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Happy Labor Day from the AudioShocker.
Now that the GMAT is over, I finally have time to rant about analyze music videos again. It takes a lot of time to properly put a video in its place, believe me. Today I’ll discuss Cassie’s new joint Official Girl, featuring Lil Wayne, which premiered last week on FNMTV. As you may know, Cassie is a model who got a record deal with Bad Boy after catching the eye of producer Ryan Leslie, or something like that. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. Anyway, after a year or so hiatus she’s back on the block. I’ll address both the track and the video.
The Track: The beat is courtesy of Danja and smacks of his mentor Timbaland - that is definitely a good thing. The song is basically Cassie saying ‘i don’t want to be a jumpoff, I want to be your girl for reals,’ but it’s insincere and pushy. If she’s so tired, why doesn’t she just leave? Even Keri Hilson (who belongs to the production team that wrote the song) knows the energy isn’t worth it.
It is by ‘label magic’ alone that the super busy Lil Wayne found time to record a verse. It’s not like he even needs the cash right now. (This has seriously been the year of Weezy F Baby) Sadly, if there was any chance of this song being salvageable, the vocoder towards the end crushes it like a boulder.
The Video: After about 20 seconds you will inevitably make the Aaliyah connection. I mean come on,The bikini top with the hair and the jacket and the black pants, who are you trying to fool Cassie? This isn’t an homage - it’s cheap imitation. The director, Chris Robinson has actually worked with Aaliyah before, so I’m a little surprised. Additionally, Cassie says in an interview “I’ve never seen myself dance like this before.” What I infer from this is that you really stepped up your dancing game.
But I call bullshit. I’ve seen your other videos, so I have a good baseline. Dancing wise, the video doesn’t bring anything new to the table. It’s the same old moves from the same old Aaliyah videos of yore. If this is a ‘new level’ for you, I’m surprised Diddy didn’t bounce your ass like he did half the girls from Making The Band 3! Lastly, the white bikini. Totally gratuitous! It comes out of nowhere and has no relevance to the rest of the video. You aren’t near a pool, the beach, or even outside.
The Bottomline: Hear me out Cassie. You are a beautiful girl - but if you want to stay in the game, you need to learn to sing, act, or at least dance. They call you a ‘triple threat’ in Step Up 2 - but where is the supporting evidence?
Sorry if I throw a million posts your way this week. I feel like I have to blog my ass off now since I’ll be on the road starting Thursday. I caught today’s ep of FNMTV during the afternoon and well, I think it speaks for itself. No wait, I take that back. I’ll speak for it:
Ne-Yo - Closer (Live)
Whenever I see Ne-Yo I can’t help but think he looks like a less popular version of Chris Brown mixed with Djimon Hounsou. He does use a real band though and that’s kind of cool. Dancers’ outfits suck though.
Pink - So What
Homegirl is really in her element here. Pretty impressive that Hart agreed to do the video. I generally don’t dig Pink - and probably will continue not too - but this video is alright. Great song to get drunk too. In fact, I think I might just go do that right now.
Cassie - Official Girl
Wow. So much to say, check out this week’s full fledged review.
John Legend - Green Light ft. Andre 3000
The beat is wack, the hook sucks, and Andre 3000 employs stream of consciousness rather than structured verse - but god damn would I like to be at that party. It looks like a lot of fun. Especially if it’s not your house.
Ne-Yo - Miss Independent (Live)
Ne-Yo’s gimmick for this album is wearing suits. He also plays off the emerging trend of ‘independent women’ in hiphop. Apparently ballers no longer want to get with guap gulping groupies. Besides the obvious advantages of her picking up the check once in a while, a girl that gets her own cash might support you if your abum flops.
The Bottom Line: Pink obviously takes the gold this week - but I think I’ll give John Legend the silver for a decent party scene.
Another Saturday, another recap of FNMTV. I’m a bit out of my element this week as I haven’t heard of any of these artists. Frankly, they don’t really coincide with my sphere of musical tastes. So, please excuse my ignorance as I break it down. (and can you believe Bernie Mac just died?)
Donnie Klang - Take You There
First of all, who picks up girls in a liquor store? Second, this Puffy/Klang thing looks like it was specifically devised to compete with the Timbaland/Timberlake sound; it doesen’t compare. Puffy, please back out of the music business and retire to being simply a celebrity. Readers, if you want to see a more accurate idea of how video would have played out, please watch The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down.
Morningwood - Sugarbaby
Haha. Morningwood. I love making fun of American Apparel wearing, gold digging, label whoring, hipster girls. The puppet thing is great too. This video is good for at least 5-6 viewings before I get sick of it - and that’s saying a lot.
The Cab - I’ll Run
This video is comprised of a band performance, long shaggy hair flying around, and some people making out in front of public transportation. There’s no tension, conflict, narrative, and no running. Lastly, is the lead singer seriously rocking a non-skinny tie in 2008? What a fashion faux pas! Homeboy needs a new stylist.
Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes (Live)
Santogold is kind of like a skinny Macy Gray, with a simiarly hard to listen to voice. Don’t even get me started on the leotard / jumpsuit outfit. I just can’t get into her steez. Sorry!
The Bottom Line: Morningwood wins the gold medal for “least terrible video” this week along with a special commendation for actually being funny.
In Sunday’s FNMTV post I promised a full length review of Bow Wow’s new video Marco Polo ft. Soulja Boy and I aim to please. My only regret is that I can not write a positive review. Unlike Bow Wow’s last collaboration, Girlfriend, Marco Polo just plain sucks.
The Track: Ok. Marco Polo, is that supposed to be slang? I don’t get it. The beat is ridiculous and is basically a ripoff of Jibbs’ Chain Hang Low. The speed up/slow down chorus isn’t helping either. You might be tempted to call it ‘call and response,’ but I’d like to propose something different: retarded.
Bow Wow’s last few singles have made it clear that he can’t carry a song by himself. What’s worse is that the current hiphop climate enables and encourages this. To his credit, Bow Wow does put up two verses to Soulja Boy’s one. Soulja Boy’s delivery is weak and borders on monotone at times. How this kid got a deal is beyond me. He seems content to just shit all over the track and call it a wrap.
Marco Polo is a cut and dry brag track, but it does have a couple comical lines.
Went to the mall and I blacked out / Now my closet full of J’z like a crackhouse.
This is not the matrix, but I am the Oracle. Do you want to get me with me? The question is rhetorical.
Of course there are plenty of poorly conceived lines too. ‘First one to put ice in a G Shock‘ So you put diamonds in a cheap plastic watch. How does this make you a baller? S.O.B. cause girls love the initials. last time I checked, being an SOB wasn’t sweet at all.
There is way too much name/brand dropping on this cut. I think rappers need to cut back, or at least stop promoting the same gaudy shit. Louis Vuitton peaked in the 60s. Oh, and ‘the next Will Smith’? Sure. Whatever you say.
The Video: Basically, Bow Wow and Soulja Boy are doing community service cleaning up a beach/pool. They get bored and decide to have a ‘tween beach/pool party. Marco Polo is a pool game so, that’s how they tie it back to the track.
The connection is tenuous at best, and it certainly doesn’t help that no one is actually playing Marco Polo. More importantly - when did Marco Polo become Peekaboo? And the subtitles. I think this video was made for illiterate, man-babies who need something to watch while Blue’s Clues is on hiatus. The video girls are cute and all - but I can tell that this video is definitely for the teenage set. The whole thing reminds me of a 15 year old’s MySpace inspired fantasy.
I’ve said it before, but Bow Wow really really really wishes he was T.I. He is jocking his style way too hard. He’s even trying to copy homeboy’s body language. Honestly, If I were T.I. (or T.I.P.) I would have to sue. Soulja Boy on the other hand is just the newest member of the ‘how stupid can I look on camera club’. The sunglasses, the backpack, the board ’shorts’. If you ever want to be taken seriously - wear clothes that fit. I can no longer tolerate dress sized white T’s, beaters, long shorts, and other ridiculous fashion choices. I know Bow Wow can dress better - he used to hang out with Omarion for chrissakes!
Oh, and speaking of jocking styles, when did Bow Wow start thinking he was Mike Jones? The phone number at the end was genius self promotion - but how could you rip that off 3 years after the fact?
The Bottom Line: Soulja Boy sucks. Bow Wow can’t do a solo track. This video is an embarassment to hiphop.
Only 4 videos this week? FNMTV is really dropping the ball. Well, I don’t have a ton of time this weekend anyway, so our quickies will have to be even quicker.
Danity Kane - Bad Girl
Diddy’s girls make a mockery and tries to cash in on the comic book movie trend. Missy Elliot drops a verse too. Oh, and there are some costume changes that go by too fast to appreciate. Mannequins have more personality than these ladies.
Bow Wow - Marco Polo
Wow. I have way too much to say about this - so I’ll save it for this week’s full length music video review. Watch out for that early next week. short version: trite unrepentant tween garbage.
Chromeo - Momma’s Boy
This is a 2008 update of A-Ha’s Take on Me with a vocoder and without the falsetto) Not sure I dig the thematic content though. Seems a bit too Elektra/Odepius.
Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Live)
Hey TPC has anyone ever told you that you’re like a really shitty version of The Shins combined with The Strokes?
Chromeo wins the award for least terrible video this week.
It’s another installment of FNMTV, 5 super quick music video reviews from the master of vitriol (me). This week’s videos were ‘easy listening’ for the most part. Don’t believe me? Check them out for yourself.
Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up (Live)
OMFG it’s Hanson! No wait, it’s a non-girl-looking version of Hanson that wishes it was Maroon 5. As usual, this live performance is kind of half-assed. Watch the real video instead. It’s stupid, but Danny Trejo is in it for like 3 seconds. That dude is awesome.
Nelly - Body On Me
Uhm… Did Nelly and Ashanti get back together? Am I that out of the loop? Didn’t he crush her and she was doing late night drivebys or something? Either way, this is a pretty low impact video. Akon’s voice is nearly tolerable for once too. Nothing special or even that flashy here. Surprising considering the whole thing takes place in a casino.
Shwayze - Corona and Lime
I won’t comment on how ridiculous Shwayze is as a concept. You can read the artist bio yourself. The video is funny enough though. It’s a little California Girls and a little Weird Al. That said, these have to be the whitest and least freaky deaky ‘video-hos’ ever. You could take this video home to mama or show it to your 8 year old.
Slipknot - Psycho Social
All I know about Slipknot is that they have a lot of drummers and they like masks. Both were present and I think I saw a tympany too. There is some stuff on fire - giant paper mache heads I believe. Who writes the treatments for these videos? If I were a record label exec I would be thinking, “My toddler’s nightmares are more creative than this.”
Lesley Roy - I’m Gone, I’m Going
Only two words to describe this: CHUBRIL LAVIGNE.
Keri Hilson just released the video for the lead single Energy off her new album. I don’t know much about Keri, but it turns out she actually has been active for some time. I do know that Timbaland has been promoting her quite a bit these last few months though. So, how does the video stack up? Read on to find out.
The Track: When I realized this was the track from the Verizon commercial I’ve seen at the movies for the last 2 months, I almost shut it off. But I lingered. It turns out the worst part of the song is that keyboard intro before the bass really drops in. The beat is courtesy of The Runaways and not Timbaland. No guest verse, no vocoder, no screechy notes, no skits, no dance breakdown, none of that stuff. It is listenable, and so far, I haven’t noticed the severely flawed logic present in other current hits such as Danity Kane’s Damaged. Love it or hate it - prepare to hear this in the club all effing summer long.
The Video: Whoever wrote the treatment for this video watches a lot of HBO. This is Million Dollar Baby meets Flashdance meets The Pussy Cat Dolls. Confused? There is boxing, a wardrobe stolen from Jennifer Beals’ closet, and wet hair / dancing that reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. Perhaps she rubbed off on Keri during the Scream shoot?
It probably went something like this: Ok, We’ll dress up Keri in something totally backdrop-inappropriate and she will alternatively spar and makeout with her trainer; he must have tattoos. Oh - she knocks some other chick out too, and at the end she gets ugly highlights and leaves.
Keri’s silver tapsuit (is that what it’s called?) is as ridiculous as her interpretive dancing/voguing, and I swear I saw some Happy Hands Club choreography in there. It was kind of hard to watch this without wanting to laugh. Hilson does look good and is clearly doing the damn thing, but I’m not sold.
The Bottom line: Energy is better heard and not seen.
FNMTV is back like cooked crack. Unfortunately for the 2 of you that got that reference, Juelz Santana is nowhere to be found. Once again scraping the bottom of the barrel, I bring you MTV’s newest video premieres in “quickie” review style.
LL Cool J - Baby
Mr. Smith brings the ennui with a vocoder chorus, weak rhymes, terrible attempts at dancing, graphic Ts, and endorsements of drunk driving.
She and Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward spin us a macabre acid trip with a subdued soundtrack. She gets axed a few times, there are some sort of Pacman-esque ghosts, and then I’m not sure what happens. It sort of kills me to watch this since Zooey is capable of so much better.
Daughtry - What About Now: 90 Second Preview
Is this supposed to be a PSA or a reimagining of Van Halen’s Right Now? Either way, it’s so boring that even MTV could only stomach 90 seconds of it.
Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Live)
Zooey Deschanel doppelganger hops around in a short floral print jumper singing her crappy song. Nothing to see here folks. Seriously.
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