I'm going to be there on Saturday from 12 PM to 6 PM at the table labeled AudioShocker (and/or Nick Marino). I won't be there on Sunday but my awesome table-mate, Shawn Atkins of Workshop13.net (comic creator of Gello Apocalypse and Explorers of the Unknown), will be there holding it down and still selling my merch.

But if all that's not enough for you, here are the Top 9 reasons you should get your ass over to the Regina Gouger Miller Gallery on the Carnegie Mellon University campus this weekend for the FREE SPF Expo:

9. It may be called the Small Press Festival, but everyone knows that size doesn't matter. Unless you're talking about penises. Then size definitely matters.

8. I'll be there with my laptop and my brand new copy of Street Fighter IV, so come kick my ass in public and humiliate me before I get really good at it.

7. Be one of the first eight lucky humans on Earth to go home with a copy of Patio 1.5, the remastered and (sort of) remixed version of the classic Unlicensed Attorneys at Law track, Patio. This song is unreleased and awesome, so come snag a copy of it on the Original Recipe CD.

6. Buy a copy of Apartment 307 and revel in the ensuing insanity.

5. Get Zombie Palin! in ashcan form. Sarah is all the rage right now since she quit being an officially recognized politician to go on a fishing trip and wear goofy fishing overalls, so don't miss this printed representation of our lovable webcomic.

4. Get your copy of The Fur Bucket EP, a Frank Sanchez / Dirty Weekend split EP packed with 9 tracks of excellence. This is the first time these songs have been out as anything other than streaming files, with the exception of the few tracks that ran as Beatcasts here on the AudioShocker.

3. Catch a sneak peak of my upcoming comic book release, Time Log! It's written by Culturology's Pete and I, penciled by Shawn, and inked by yours truly. If you get out to SPF, then you'll see me inking it at the expo when there's some downtime.

2. Pick up a copy of Cracked: Rejected, an SPF-exclusive 20 page zine by myself and Pete that details our failed pitches to Cracked Magazine (now Cracked.com). If you don't pick this up, you're going to be really confused when you listen to next week's AudioShocker Podcast #89.

1. Yeah, it's the Pittsburgh Small Press Festival, but everyone knows that big things come in small packages... unless you're talking about penises, of course. Then small things are REALLY small and big things are REALLY big. But this is a Small Press Festival - not a penis - so it's gonna be all good.

More: The Top 9 Ways the Economic Recession Has Affected the AudioShocker

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Then, after the end theme, the guys discuss some shocking casting news for The Last Airbender - Dev Patel is in as Zuko. As usual, the casting makes no sense and Neal is revoking M. Night Shyamalan's Chaat Stand Pass.

I think It is remarkable that out of 19 categories, Lauryn Hill walked away with 4 Moon Men, and Fatboy Slim took 3. Were the post-Fugees and overly accessible 'techno' that appealing to our collective musical pallete? (Ugh, FUCK Moby) Additionally, I have no idea how Will Smith's Miami got Best Male Video (and why are there gender specific categories?). Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It was great in 1998, but past success should not be used as a basis for future accolades.

And weren't boy bands huge until at least 2001? How then did the Backstreet Boys get Viewer's Choice but nothing else? I call shenanigans all over this list. Nonplussed, I dug deeper and pulled up the 1998 list. While it skews toward rock/alt, Madonna's Ray of Light just totally kills it - 5 Moon Men! How is Madonna spastically moving in front of a green screen worthy of awards for great choreography, direction, or editing? Could it be sales?

Let's look into that, according to the BillBoard Hot 100 and The Village Voice, the top single of 1999 was either Cher's Believe or TLC's No Scrubs. I don't see Lauryn Hill or Fatboy Slim anywhere. This suggests that the VMAs are based on something other than spins or sales. Fair enough, this is the Video Music Awards. But wait...

BOMBSHELL - Britney Spears' first single...Baby One More Time was released in Q4 1998, the album was released January 12th 1999, and the 1999 VMAs were in September. It does not add up. How is it that from 1998-2000, Spears won exactly zero Moon Men? Seriously, how many of you called TRL to request that video?

Personally, I am a little surprised that TLC's No Scrubs didn't clean up. That video was what 1999 was all about - hip hop explicitly defining the vernacular and the end of the shiny suit.  TLC was pretty huge in the 90s: Creep, Waterfalls, etc., and No Scrubs was a major hit. Even Jay-Z and rat-faced Ja Rule's Can I get A... or Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca would have been better choices than Doo Wop or Praise You.

Of course, the VMAs are indicative of nothing. They do not represent music sales, viewer requests, or any other quantifiable measure. Like all awards shows, they are a foil for shameless PR, red carpet pageantry, live performances, and mirror-facing self-congratulatory masturbation. It looks like MTV has recently (at least in 2008) extended the voting process to the public. Still, who are they fooling? You can't divorce a song from its music video. Nobody wants to watch a music video, no matter how awesome it is, if the accompanying song does not appeal to them.

Granted, my argument may have a few holes, and this is all based on two hours of armchair research, but I just cannot buy the 1999 MTV VMA results.

Here is big my question for the MTV VMA judges/voting committee: If Nick and I shoot a UAL video and pony up some guap, can we have the 2009 awards for Best Group/Rap/Breakthrough Video? We need to know soon, so that we can get our entourage ready.

EDIT: If you dig this song, then check out my similar song, Bacon, on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, eMusic and most other popular pay-for-download sites as a part of my album, Brilliant Shower.

EDIT: If you dig this song, then check out the instrumental version, Bacon, on iTunes, Amazon, Napster, eMusic and most other popular pay-for-download sites as a part of the Nik Furious album, Brilliant Shower.