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The Top 9 Comic Book Superpowers

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nick marino
on September 4, 2008
in Comics and The Top 9
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9. Flight. Who doesn’t want to be able to fly? It’s sweet. But not so sweet that it would top this list. In fact, most superheroes that can fly are given some other sort of ability as well (Superman, Storm, Ms. Marvel, etc). Off the top of my head, the only pure flight hero I can think of is Angel (Warren Worthington III). For a time, he had that “blood can heal you” thing. But I’m sure that’s being retconned as we speak.

8. Enhanced Senses. It’s a simple notion. Take the sensory perception of a normal human and turn it up to 11 (thank you, Spinal Tap). As with characters like Wolverine, these senses are often linked to an animalistic connection. But that sort of totemistic power is a completely different thing. Daredevil is a great example of plain enhanced senses, but I personally prefer the enhanced awareness and reaction time of Slade Wilson (a.k.a. Deathstroke).

7. Invulnerability. This is another superpower often paired with other abilities, most commonly super strength. Superman is invulnerable, mostly as an afterthought. Luke Cage comes close to being a pure holder of this power, but he gained some super strength with his invulnerability. You need look no further than Avengers: The Initiative #13 and Emery Schaub (a.k.a. Butterball), a teen who had no special abilities whatsoever aside from the fact that he couldn’t get hurt.

6. Telepathy. Don’t get me wrong — telekinesis is great and all, but I’d rather have the full range of someone’s thoughts and feelings. Telepathy is the ultimate invasion of personal privacy that seems sort of delicious in a twisted kind of way. Professor Xavier is my favorite telepath, mostly because his power is extensive and he has impressive control over his ability to get into the thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) of others.

5. Agility. Maybe not the most impressive power on this list. In fact, this is probably my “pet power” choice, if only because I’ve always dreamed of rolling out of leaping somersaults like Nightcrawler or daftly dodging blows like Black Panther. Truthfully, I can’t think of a hero who has agility as a singular ability. Tigra’s close, but too totemistic. I’ll go with none other than the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man as the finest example of the ability to perform fantastic gymnastics.

4. Energy Manipulation. This one’s a doozy. I mean, there are so many ways to bend energy, absorb it, and rechannel it out. Endless iterations pop up in comic books because you can draw it however you want, splash it with bright colors, and it looks sweet. My two favorite examples of energy manipulation come in the form of Havok’s concentric blasts and Bishop’s ability to spray you back with whatever energy you shoot at him. (And of course, the Silver Surfer’s Power Cosmic too).

3. Water Manipulation. This one that’s a bit obscure and sure to have its detractors. Still, I think the ability to manipulate water is probably one of the most impressive superpowers. Straying from comics, we’ve seen fantastic examples of water manipulation by Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender. But in comics, the best example I can think of is Hydro-Man. Yeah, the character is a moron but his powers are absolutely incredible.

2. Density Control. Okay, this one is also a bit obscure. I mean, I actually had to sit down and reason out what density control entails just to write this list. This ability is not to be confused with the mass control of Harry Leland. Instead, I’m talking about Vision’s power to fluctuate between intangible and diamond-hard. Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde represent the opposite sides of this power spectrum, while Vision has the ability to make himself both ethereal and super solid with a mere thought.

1. Invisibility. Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, is probably the best pure example of this ability. She also has a host of other awesome tricks she can do that are only tangentially related to hiding herself and other objects from view. And that energy manipulation is extremely awesome. But at the end of the day, she would still have my favorite power of any superhero out there if she just had the ability to hide herself in plain sight.

Next: The Top 9 UK Oddities! [instead of The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Superhero Vehicles

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nick marino
on August 29, 2008
in Comics, Movies, TV and The Top 9
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9. Fantomex’s E.V.A.

8. Captain America’s Motorcycle

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Turtle Van

6. Avengers’ Quinjet

5. X-Men’s Blackbird

4. Batman’s Batmobile

3. Fantastic Four’s Fantasticar

2. Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane

1. Silver Surfer’s Board

Next: The Top 9 Comic Book Superpowers!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Ways to Piss Me Off in the Movie Theater

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nick marino
on August 22, 2008
in Movies and The Top 9
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9. Asking stupid questions out loud. Surprisingly, I don’t mind if you talk during the movie. Sometimes a well-placed joke can make a boring film better. But I do mind if you start asking dumb questions about the characters or the plot that will be clearly answered in time if you just pay attention and shut the @#$% up.

8. Sitting next to me and texting during the the movie. Ever notice what happens when the movie starts? The lights turn off. That means it goes dark in the theater and any light not coming from the screen is really distracting. Don’t sit next to me and text message your stupid friends about the gangbang you’re going to after the movie because your annoying cellphone is shining its stupid light in my eyes.

7. Leaving your obnoxious ringtone ready to play at full blast. Cellphone ringtones are glorified midi files with awful melodies and atrocious sound f/x. Still, I’m aware that the majority of Americans are going deaf from listening to their Bon Jovi mp3s too loud on their iPods, so I try to be merciful. But if you refuse to put your cellphone on vibrate and you have an annoying ringtone, either leave the phone at home or don’t sit in my theater.

6. Throwing your trash under my feet. I love being a slob at the movies just as much as the next guy. But don’t throw your garbage under my seat or anywhere else in my personal sloppy space. I don’t want to stand up and step on your half-eaten nachos or your sticky leftover Sour Patch Kids sugar. And I especially don’t want to step in a puddle of your warm Dr. Pepper.

5. Pulling on or tugging at my chair as you go to and from your seat. This sounds like an obscure complaint, but it happens all the time. A lot of people out there must be gravity challenged because this never fails to piss me off. When you’re in the row behind me and you have to piss in the middle of the movie, don’t use the back of my seat as a shaky hand rail on your way out to the bathroom AND on your way back in.

4. Making excessively loud eating noises. Sneaking food into the movies is a grand tradition that I proudly participate in to the fullest. But if you’re bringing your own food into the theater, don’t eat it so @#$%ing loud that I can’t hear the movie. To the guy who sat next to me in Speed Racer — you don’t need to crunch everything with your mouth wide open and then audibly schlurp your fingers clean when you’re done.

3. Sitting next to me and eat nasty food. I’ll never forget when I went to see the Blair Witch Project. The whiny woman who sat down next to me had a concession stand hot dog, and it smelled like rotting ham. As the lights began to dim, I quickly glanced at the nasty wiener and I kid you not — it was pale gray. If you’re going to eat something gross and/or fetid at the movies, go sit next to someone other than me.

2. Applauding during or after the film. This isn’t a concert, jackass. There are no live performers to feel the appreciation of your applause. It’s a bunch of still images strung together on a thin strip of gelatin that gets played real fast through a projector. That strip of film doesn’t give a @#$% whether you clap or not. Laugh, gasp, scream, whatever. I don’t care. Just don’t clap for the moving pictures.

1. Kicking the back of my seat. I understand that for some especially tall people out there, certain movie theater seating just doesn’t have enough leg room. But is it really necessary to thwack the back of my seat throughout the entire movie? No, it’s not. And you’re a moron if you do it. And I will turn around and tell you off too — in the middle of the film with no hesitation — if it gets to be too much.

Next: The Top 9 Superhero Vehicles!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains (Just in Time for SDCC 2008)

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nick marino
on July 26, 2008
in Comics and The Top 9
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Let’s get right to it:

9. Circus of Crime - It’s not that that clowns aren’t scary because they are. But a whole crew of baddies based on the entertainment you’d find under a big top? It just seems so innocent and goofy. They’re not making me shake in my boots. They may very well be both hilarious AND dangerous, but not intimidating.

8. Vulture - Anyone that can drop me from up high and snap my neck gets a few automatic intimidation points. But the ruffled green suit takes a few of those points away. Then you find out that this guy is a crotchety, frail, and elderly kook. That’s when you can say goodbye to all intimidation points.

7. Penguin - Okay, seriously, he is creepy as hell in Batman Returns. But in the comic books, Oswald Cobblepot is a bit jollier and a lot less grimy. He’s like a rotund dwarf straight out of some Willy Wonka wonderland. Plus, he has a fantastic umbrella collection. I repeat… an umbrella collection.

6. Baron Zemo - Back when he was bad, Zemo didn’t have much in terms of intimidation except for a laser gun and the occasional mind control device. What he did have plenty of, however, was the color fuchsia, watermelon stripes, and snow leopard fur trim. Talk about a costume that really steals away some thunder…

5. Mister Sinister - I think it’s the weird arching tassels that function as a cape bridge and a collar at the same time. They make the guy look like a total moron. The “pasty pale with glowing red diamond” look takes his edge away too. This week saw the introduction of Miss Sinister. Will she be more intimidating? Only time will tell.

4. Paste-Pot-Pete - Hahahahahaha! Oh Paste Pot Pete, you’re such an unfortunate victim of corny 1960s Marvel Comics humor. Partway through your career, you changed your name to Trapster. But it was too late. The damage was already done. You will forever be remembered as Paste-Pot-Pete, no matter how many tricky or ensnaring traps you set.

3. Black Manta - It’s the helmet, really. Otherwise, I could go either way. He’s not the most impressive bad guy out there, but he’s not the weakest wimp on the scene. Still, that bulbous headgear makes me chortle every time. I actually think it looks sweet… for a Halloween costume making fun of a failed sci-fi movie from the 1950s.

2. Goblin Queen - For Maddie Pryor, it really comes down to the whole package. Her weird S&M meets leather straps fetish costume is pretty goofy. The fact that her name is “Goblin Queen” is worth a giggle. And knowing that she’s a clone with magic powers? Well, that just makes the entirety of this villain seem rather silly.

1. Blacklash / Whiplash - Unfortunately, having a neon green ponytail coming out of his head kind of negates any intimidation factor present… that, and the flowing fuchsia cape. The costume really makes Mark Scarlotti look silly. I mean, getting hit hard with a whip will always inspire a bit of fear. But that fear is easily erased by laughter as soon as you get a look at this guy.

It’s really all about the costume and the look. The powers here are a mix of magic, enhanced strength, super smarts, and expert weaponry. But all of these supervillains have one thing in common: they look lame!

Next: The Top 9 Best Moments from Avatar: The Last Airbender!

EDIT: Nick is otherwise occupied, so Neal will be giving you The Top 9 Reasons Why The My Sassy Girl Remake Will Suck!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Most Intimidating Supervillains (Comic Book Villains, Of Course)

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nick marino
on July 19, 2008
in Comics and The Top 9
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This is the list that almost wasn’t. I was ready to make this yet another “the Top 9 reasons the list I said would happen isn’t going to happen,” but I stuck it out and here it is.

9. Blob - Would you want to get stuck in this man’s folds? I don’t think so. Last thing I would want is to be smothered by Fred Duke’s fat.

8. Morlun - I’ve never been more afraid for the safety of a superhero than when Morlun showed up in Amazing Spider-Man and beat the snot out of Spidey.

7. Mystique - A terrorist sociopath that can change her appearance at will. She’s intelligent, cunning, violent, and amoral.

6. Sabretooth - Every year, Sabretooth hunts Wolverine down and beats him within an inch of his life. Then Victor Creed goes off and murders someone Wolvie loves.

5. Venom - Now that Mac Gargan bites off limbs and other body parts from other people when he gets hungry, I’m feeling pretty intimidated.

4. Magneto - I fear Magneto’s deep convictions. He has the will and physical power to act upon whatever he believes to be right (even if it means death and destruction).

3. Cassandra Nova - Charles Xavier strangled his twin sister to death in the womb, but she survived. Then she savagely massacred 16 million mutants using Sentinels assembled from pieces of scrap.

2. Joker - One minute he could be laughing with you and the next minute he could be torturing you to death. Plus, he enjoys it when Batman beats his face in.

1. Doctor Doom - Victor Von Doom is a mad scientist monarch that’s a true master of robotics and disguise (via his Doombots). He’s violent, deceptive, and brilliant. Plus, he’s into magic and he can time travel.

Common themes? Five out of nine villains predominantly tangle with the X-Men. Though I was raised on X-Men comics (and Marvel Comics, for that matter), that was a bit of a surprise to me. There’s also quite a lack of DC Comics supervillains, not to mention characters from other comic book publishers (Shredder, maybe).

Next: The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Reasons This Week’s List Isn’t The Top 9 Best Synthesizer Solos

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nick marino
on July 11, 2008
in Music and The Top 9
. 2 Comments

At the end of last week’s Top 9 list, I thought I’d throw readers for a curve and announce this week’s list as “The Top 9 Best Synthesizer Solos.” I should have planned more carefully before I wrote that. Here’s the Top 9 reasons why that list just isn’t going to happen:

9. What I consider to be a genius synth solo just won’t cut it for most people.
8. Do you know how many synthesizer solos there are out there? Exactly, neither do I.
7. Most of my favorite synth lines are actually background parts or repetitive riffs.
6. Almost every single solo on the list would have been played by George Duke.
5. While Raydio has some of the best synth lines ever, they rarely happen as a solo.
4. Do Daft Punk synth parts count as solos or not? They loop them so damn much.
3. The solo from “One Hundred Ways” sounds better sampled in “Rhymes Like Dimes.”
2. Synths get used so much now that your favorite flute solo might actually be synth.
1. The only solo locked down on my list was #1: “Blow Your Head” by Fred Wesley & the JB’s.

And with that said, there’s nothing much else to say. If you have a favorite synth solo, post it in the comments.

Next: The Top 9 Most Intimidating Supervillains!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Best Bad Comedy Movies (So Bad They’re Good!)

Published
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nick marino
on July 4, 2008
in Movies and The Top 9
. 2 Comments

Okay, seriously, if these nine comedy movies were actually bad, I wouldn’t like them. By “bad,” I mean “in bad taste” or not received well by the movie going public.

9. Houseguest (1995)
8. Bachelor Party (1984)
7. Irish Jam (2006)
6. My Boss’s Daughter (2003)
5. Orgazmo (1997)
4. Screwed (2000)
3. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
2. Soul Plane (2004)
1. Kingpin (1996)

What are some common themes here? Sex, for one. And big losers for another. In fact, every main character is a “loser” or “down on their luck” at the beginning of the film. Pittsburgh is also a reoccurring theme, acting as the setting for Houseguest, Screwed, and a good part of Kingpin.

Notable exceptions to this list are the Naked Gun and Night Shift, if only because they are generally well received and accepted as quality comedy films.

Next: The Top 9 Best Synthesizer Solos!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Best B-Movies (It’s the Best of the Worst)

Published
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nick marino
on June 28, 2008
in Movies and The Top 9
. 2 Comments

Wikipedia defines a B-Movie as: “any low-budget, commercial motion picture meant neither as an arthouse film nor as pornography.” It’s safe to say that none of these films are fine art, nor are they sexy enough to be porn.

9. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
8. Karate Cop (1974)
7. Hercules in New York (1970)
6. Shaft (1971)
5. Cemetery Man (1994)
4. Dolemite (1975)
3. Gleaming the Cube (1989)
2. Night of the Juggler (1980)
1. Good Guys Wear Black (1978)

Even when the drama is plain crap in these movies, the action shines through. Notable moments include the extravagant chase scene in Night of the Juggler, the sweet skateboarding action in Gleaming the Cube, and the martial arts prowess of Chuck Norris in both Good Guys Wear Black and Karate Cop (also known as Slaughter in San Francisco).

Next: The Top 9 Best Bad Comedy Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.