Tag Archive for 'The Top 9'

The Top 9 Whatever I Want, Bitch! You Got a Problem With That?

9. Nachos. I want some fucking nachos. Some crappy, 7-Eleven nachos.

8. Root Beer. I want some goddamn root beer with my fucking nachos.

7. Porn. Possibly ebony or asian, but most importantly lesbian.

6. An Action Movie. After the nachos, root beer, and porno, I want a balls-to-the-wall action movie. But not the lame “Bourne” style that they make now. I want a 90s style action movie with weird sci-fi overtones, obvious in-camera special effects (preferably bad makeup FX), and some sort of social commentary. Like Total Recall or Street Fighter.

5. Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Carmel corn and buttered popcorn flavors only.

4. A Nap. After all that, I’m going to be a little tired.

3. NES Games. After a refreshing nap, what better way to pass the time than by playing some awesome Nintendo Entertainment System video games? I have Super Mario Bros 1 and 3, Pinball, Tetris, Jackie Chan’s Action Kung Fu, Double Dragon, and Bartman Meets Radioactive Man. I also have Road Runner tucked away somewhere, but that game blows.

2. RoadBlasters. I love my NES game selection at home, but I need more variety. I’m in the mood for RoadBlasters, the awesome driving game where the box art looks like the cars from the cartoon M.A.S.K.

1. Go To Sleep And Do It All Over Again. After I finish playing RoadBlasters, I want to go to bed. Then I want to wake up the next morning and do all of this stuff again, in order. Of course, I’ll watch a different porno and a different action movie, but I’ll still eat the same stuff and play RoadBlasters by the end. This shall be known as an endless, infinite cycle of fun.

Next: The Top 9 Characters in the Marvel Universe That Have Stepped Up Since Civil War!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Things That May Have Gone Wrong with Last Defenders - Part One

Reflecting back on this recent miniseries from Marvel Comics, I’m fascinated by its underwhelming promotion and reception. Last Defenders was a smart, fun, and kinetic story that followed Nighthawk thru an introspective journey into modern superheroics. Kyle Richmond asked a lot of existential questions about his place in the universe and received a lot of answers in the form of temporal tampering via Yandroth, a time traveling superbaddie with a big chip on his quantum shoulder.

So what went wrong? I’m no expert, but I am an asshole. That’s why I’m only giving you reason nine thru five this week.

9. Was the art accessible enough? I found the story both brilliant and confusing. Jim Muniz, Cam Smith, and Antonio Fabela brought this journey to life in a sort of Ed McGuinness meets Duncan Rouleau way. The art was a big selling point for me, mostly because the stylized visuals took what could have been a painfully old school story and made it impossibly fresh. But was the art too stylized for this book’s demographic?

8. Was Last Defenders TOO old school? To say that this could have been “painfully old-school” is not a knock to Joe Casey or Keith Giffen. They both did a great job here, with Giffen co-writing the first few issues and Casey carrying the rest. The story pulls from the Defenders back catalog of adventures in an obsessive way that’s just as disorienting as it is fun. This comic was like a thesis statement on Defenders history, sprinkled with non-team team book irony.

Continue reading ‘The Top 9 Things That May Have Gone Wrong with Last Defenders - Part One’

The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don’t Need to Be Saved - Part Two

Yeah, so last week I ran The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don’t Need to Be Saved - Part One, which consisted solely of reasons nine thru six. Why? Because I’m a dick.

And now, for your consideration, are the decidedly more irreverent Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don’t Need to Be Saved reasons five thru one:

5. Newspaper comic strips are dying because fewer and fewer people want to read newspapers, not because they don’t want to read comics. Now they go and read this stuff on the Internet. They’re called “webcomics” and those are doing just fine.

4. Seriously, Hollywood wants to give comic books fellatio right now. In fact, they may have already finished the fellatio and moved onto the hardcore doggiestyle section of “Filmstriptease presents Cramming Comics vol 1.” Soon they’re going to be finishing off vol 1 with a spectacular facial (which could be as soon as Watchmen or as far away as the Avengers movie). It all depends on how long Hollywood can keep it up.

3. Single issues are really a niche product at this point and I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to change that. I’m part of that niche audience and I love the singles, but most people want a bigger chunk of story. If that’s the case, let the singles slowly fade away and bring on the graphic novels because…

2. Graphic novel sales continue to look hopeful. Bookstores are carrying graphic novels by the hoard and putting them up in huge floor displays all the time. I don’t think that would happen if there wasn’t some serious coin to be made. Guys whose names have been on the tip of my tongue for the majority of my natural life are slowly becoming adored literary idols for a new generation of readers. Fuck, I just saw Watchmen sitting on a shelf in Borders in their “Bestsellers” section when I went to buy the Iron Man DVD.

1. Comic book storytelling continues to improve. I see it every week when I read my Wednesday haul of new comics. And at the end of the day, it’s all about good content.

Next: The Top 9 Things That May Have Gone Wrong with Last Defenders - Part One

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don’t Need to Be Saved - Part One

A bunch of comic book people are like, “OH NO! Comic books are going to die in five years because we’re not kissing the general public in the ass enough! Our business plan is all wrong! Creators are mismanaging their careers! And Superman isn’t accessible to five year olds anymore!!!”

You know what? Shut up. That’s right. I said it. Just shut the fuck up.

Comics aren’t going to “die” and they certainly don’t need to be “saved.” Here are the top 9 reasons why:

9. Comics are a medium of expression rooted in the most basic form of visual storytelling short of acting — a picture and some words. How the hell can you “save” that and how could it ever “die”?

8. If you’re worried about the modern comic book publishing industry dying, well then that’s a whole other thing. But I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon when you have some of the world’s most lucrative licensed characters coming out of a long legacy of comic book publishing.

7. While superheroes are bound to fall out of favor in Hollywood in a couple of years, actual interest in physical comics is going up. Trust me, I know. People used to ask me if the movies were anything like the stories. Now they ask me where they can go to buy the comics. Hell, even MTV and the LA Times now have blogs that address comic book news on a daily basis. That’s only going to boost interest.

6. This shit is cyclical. Sales of comics will dip and they will rise. They will do that, over and over, until the day humans no longer view printed media and digital projection screens connected to their information boxes.

At some point in the recent past this column became a two-parter thing. Totally defeats the purpose of a having top 9, right? Well that’s just the kind of mindfuck arseholeness I’m all about so deal with it!!! The final five reasons why comics don’t need to be saved will be here in only seven short days, and I promise they are way more offensive and interesting these these first four reasons.

Next: The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don’t Need to Be Saved - Part Two!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part Two

It was way back last week when I wrote about The Top #9-5 Horror / Psychological Anime… but it feels like only nanoseconds ago! Oh well, time flies when you’re watching anime. Here’s the rest:

4. Paranoia Agent. Satoshi Kon strikes again. This psychological mind fuck had me addicted from the first episode. No more words…go watch this one.

3. Requiem from the Darkness. Scariest anime and above all most disturbing media form I have ever experienced. There is violence from the start and the last few episodes were really horrifying. I’m still in the process of rewatching, slowly inching my way toward what I know will only disgust me, though I’m probably a little numb to the horror by now. Great anime! A must see for both horror and anime fans alike.

2. Higurashi no Naku Koro ni & Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai. How could I possibly follow up that last choice…with a delicious little twist called When the Cicadas Cry! It seems like your normal cheesy harem anime, but right from the start you know there’s something wrong. It’s either the foreshadowed murders at the beginning of each arc or the actual conclusion at the end. Watch the first four episodes. If you’re not hooked then turn it off.

1. Doomed Megalopolis. My absolute favorite. Twisted in its own way, I fell in love with the first episode. I won’t offer any spoilers or character peeks or anything like that. Just watch this supernatural thriller and prepare to be haunted.

Next: The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don’t Need to Be Saved - Part One!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part One

9. Wicked City. This only made the list because I enjoy movies that have spider-women with fanged vaginas. In all seriousness though, this movie is a great find though definitely for adults. I want to talk about the characters because that’s where the amusement begins. There’s the tall, dark and handsome secret agent man for our world, the pale and beautiful yet secretly monstrous Black World woman, and the horny old man that helps to keep a truce between their worlds. Its even got a woman deep throating a tentacle of sort! It’s honestly a really bad neo-noir and altogether awesome movie. I like it cause it doesn’t take itself too seriously while balancing a weak story with a lot of general anime horror.

8. Le Portrait de Petit Cossette. Oh man…this has a place in my heart. I knew I was going to like this OVA when i first heard the theme song. Beautiful violins. Not for everyone by any means, this anime is dark in many different ways. The imagery and artistic style is a bit jarring at first but I very much appreciated it upon repeated viewings. My advice: just bear with it…even if you don’t like it, there’s still an interesting twist worth seeing. I mean, it’s only three episodes right?

7. Boogiepop Phantom. Hmmm…took me FOREVER to find and watch this one. I think this one is more interesting than horrific (which is what i like) but it has a Serial Experiments Lain feel to it: not giving away too much in one episode but still making you watch it for its climax. The animation style is wonderful, the colors dark and gray. I can’t rave enough about this OVA. I absolutely love it. The stories are so well done that i still have them vividly imprinted on my mind even now. Boogiepop Phantom, though about as dated as Wicked City, has a much darker and more mysterious feel and if you’re into that sort of thing…check it out. It’s worth it.

6. Ninja Scroll. A giant grin crosses my face when I think of this movie. I remember laying in bed with Nick one night and trying to get him to watch it. Early on in the movie, probably the first fifteen minutes, a monsters blade flashes on the screen and about a dozen men were sliced. Before their bodies hit the ground it was raining blood. Morbid huh? Needless to say, I had to turn it off so my snookims didn’t get nightmares. When I watched it in its entirety, I thought it was magnificent. The characters are amazing, ranging from a woman who can not be poisoned to a man whose own body can generate enough electricity to kill. Great movie, great characters, great animation style. Definitely deserves its reputation.

5. Perfect Blue. Satoshi Kon is one of my favorite creators and this movie is none short of genius. More psychological than horror, it bends the mind’s perceptions of what is real and what is not. Just like most of Kon’s films, you can dig out any meaning you want and still enjoy the film. I’ve only seen the dubbed version but, like Akira, that was enough for me. Just watch this one. Saying anything else would ruin the surprise.

To be continued in seven short days… (you CAN wait, right?)

Next: The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part Two!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 UK Oddities

Traveling is not new to me. I’ve been plenty of places - but usually I don’t stay long enough to recognize persistent trends. Here are some things I’ve noticed while working in the UK this week that totally drove me up the wall:

9. Older women (30ish) are really into dying their hair red. I mean seriously red.

8. The majority of young men have spiky hair; occasionally in faux hawks. All the TV commercials are for pomade and hair clay that promise to keep your spikes straight despite helmets and noogies. This is also a popular hairstyle with the balding set.

7. Everyone wears black pants. It’s as if khakis are taboo or something. I feel like a total weirdo in my sand colored slacks.

6. UK Hotels don’t have alarm clocks.

4. The toilets here flush like Niagara Falls.

3. Dudes out here resemble really crappy Euro-trash. They love to rock white shoes with white belts. Somehow, they pull girls.

2. Cabbies speak this ridiculous patois. While technically English, it sounds like cockney gibberish.

1. There is a new brunette bartender at O’Neill’s Irish Pub in Peterborough. If you ask her for an Irish Carbomb she will charge you separately for a shot of Jameson’s, a shot of Baileys, and half a pint of Guinness. Then, she will mix them together all at once creating a curdled concoction that can only be described as ‘effing gross’. It will cost $12.

Next: The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime! (by Justique, nonetheless!) [The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks is postponed indefinitely!!!]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Comic Book Superpowers

9. Flight. Who doesn’t want to be able to fly? It’s sweet. But not so sweet that it would top this list. In fact, most superheroes that can fly are given some other sort of ability as well (Superman, Storm, Ms. Marvel, etc). Off the top of my head, the only pure flight hero I can think of is Angel (Warren Worthington III). For a time, he had that “blood can heal you” thing. But I’m sure that’s being retconned as we speak.

8. Enhanced Senses. It’s a simple notion. Take the sensory perception of a normal human and turn it up to 11 (thank you, Spinal Tap). As with characters like Wolverine, these senses are often linked to an animalistic connection. But that sort of totemistic power is a completely different thing. Daredevil is a great example of plain enhanced senses, but I personally prefer the enhanced awareness and reaction time of Slade Wilson (a.k.a. Deathstroke).

7. Invulnerability. This is another superpower often paired with other abilities, most commonly super strength. Superman is invulnerable, mostly as an afterthought. Luke Cage comes close to being a pure holder of this power, but he gained some super strength with his invulnerability. You need look no further than Avengers: The Initiative #13 and Emery Schaub (a.k.a. Butterball), a teen who had no special abilities whatsoever aside from the fact that he couldn’t get hurt.

6. Telepathy. Don’t get me wrong — telekinesis is great and all, but I’d rather have the full range of someone’s thoughts and feelings. Telepathy is the ultimate invasion of personal privacy that seems sort of delicious in a twisted kind of way. Professor Xavier is my favorite telepath, mostly because his power is extensive and he has impressive control over his ability to get into the thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) of others.

5. Agility. Maybe not the most impressive power on this list. In fact, this is probably my “pet power” choice, if only because I’ve always dreamed of rolling out of leaping somersaults like Nightcrawler or daftly dodging blows like Black Panther. Truthfully, I can’t think of a hero who has agility as a singular ability. Tigra’s close, but too totemistic. I’ll go with none other than the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man as the finest example of the ability to perform fantastic gymnastics.

4. Energy Manipulation. This one’s a doozy. I mean, there are so many ways to bend energy, absorb it, and rechannel it out. Endless iterations pop up in comic books because you can draw it however you want, splash it with bright colors, and it looks sweet. My two favorite examples of energy manipulation come in the form of Havok’s concentric blasts and Bishop’s ability to spray you back with whatever energy you shoot at him. (And of course, the Silver Surfer’s Power Cosmic too).

3. Water Manipulation. This one that’s a bit obscure and sure to have its detractors. Still, I think the ability to manipulate water is probably one of the most impressive superpowers. Straying from comics, we’ve seen fantastic examples of water manipulation by Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender. But in comics, the best example I can think of is Hydro-Man. Yeah, the character is a moron but his powers are absolutely incredible.

2. Density Control. Okay, this one is also a bit obscure. I mean, I actually had to sit down and reason out what density control entails just to write this list. This ability is not to be confused with the mass control of Harry Leland. Instead, I’m talking about Vision’s power to fluctuate between intangible and diamond-hard. Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde represent the opposite sides of this power spectrum, while Vision has the ability to make himself both ethereal and super solid with a mere thought.

1. Invisibility. Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, is probably the best pure example of this ability. She also has a host of other awesome tricks she can do that are only tangentially related to hiding herself and other objects from view. And that energy manipulation is extremely awesome. But at the end of the day, she would still have my favorite power of any superhero out there if she just had the ability to hide herself in plain sight.

Next: The Top 9 UK Oddities! [instead of The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Superhero Vehicles

9. Fantomex’s E.V.A.

8. Captain America’s Motorcycle

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Turtle Van

6. Avengers’ Quinjet

5. X-Men’s Blackbird

4. Batman’s Batmobile

3. Fantastic Four’s Fantasticar

2. Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane

1. Silver Surfer’s Board

Next: The Top 9 Comic Book Superpowers!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Ways to Piss Me Off in the Movie Theater

9. Asking stupid questions out loud. Surprisingly, I don’t mind if you talk during the movie. Sometimes a well-placed joke can make a boring film better. But I do mind if you start asking dumb questions about the characters or the plot that will be clearly answered in time if you just pay attention and shut the @#$% up.

8. Sitting next to me and texting during the the movie. Ever notice what happens when the movie starts? The lights turn off. That means it goes dark in the theater and any light not coming from the screen is really distracting. Don’t sit next to me and text message your stupid friends about the gangbang you’re going to after the movie because your annoying cellphone is shining its stupid light in my eyes.

7. Leaving your obnoxious ringtone ready to play at full blast. Cellphone ringtones are glorified midi files with awful melodies and atrocious sound f/x. Still, I’m aware that the majority of Americans are going deaf from listening to their Bon Jovi mp3s too loud on their iPods, so I try to be merciful. But if you refuse to put your cellphone on vibrate and you have an annoying ringtone, either leave the phone at home or don’t sit in my theater.

6. Throwing your trash under my feet. I love being a slob at the movies just as much as the next guy. But don’t throw your garbage under my seat or anywhere else in my personal sloppy space. I don’t want to stand up and step on your half-eaten nachos or your sticky leftover Sour Patch Kids sugar. And I especially don’t want to step in a puddle of your warm Dr. Pepper.

5. Pulling on or tugging at my chair as you go to and from your seat. This sounds like an obscure complaint, but it happens all the time. A lot of people out there must be gravity challenged because this never fails to piss me off. When you’re in the row behind me and you have to piss in the middle of the movie, don’t use the back of my seat as a shaky hand rail on your way out to the bathroom AND on your way back in.

4. Making excessively loud eating noises. Sneaking food into the movies is a grand tradition that I proudly participate in to the fullest. But if you’re bringing your own food into the theater, don’t eat it so @#$%ing loud that I can’t hear the movie. To the guy who sat next to me in Speed Racer — you don’t need to crunch everything with your mouth wide open and then audibly schlurp your fingers clean when you’re done.

3. Sitting next to me and eat nasty food. I’ll never forget when I went to see the Blair Witch Project. The whiny woman who sat down next to me had a concession stand hot dog, and it smelled like rotting ham. As the lights began to dim, I quickly glanced at the nasty wiener and I kid you not — it was pale gray. If you’re going to eat something gross and/or fetid at the movies, go sit next to someone other than me.

2. Applauding during or after the film. This isn’t a concert, jackass. There are no live performers to feel the appreciation of your applause. It’s a bunch of still images strung together on a thin strip of gelatin that gets played real fast through a projector. That strip of film doesn’t give a @#$% whether you clap or not. Laugh, gasp, scream, whatever. I don’t care. Just don’t clap for the moving pictures.

1. Kicking the back of my seat. I understand that for some especially tall people out there, certain movie theater seating just doesn’t have enough leg room. But is it really necessary to thwack the back of my seat throughout the entire movie? No, it’s not. And you’re a moron if you do it. And I will turn around and tell you off too — in the middle of the film with no hesitation — if it gets to be too much.

Next: The Top 9 Superhero Vehicles!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.