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Culturology #60 - Tournament Movie Tournament: Round Two!

Published

on March 12, 2010

. 5 Comments

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND TWO Bracket:

(If you're not into reading and you want to spoil the match-ups, then skip to the bottom of this post for the ROUND THREE bracket image.)

Pete's off watching the Pittsburgh Pirates training somewhere in Florida, so I'm forced to fill-in as this week's Culturology blogger. Just to spite Pete for having fun in the sun and ditching us, I've deviously taken it upon myself to switch Culturology over to the "#00" system instead of the "000" numbering. MUWAHAHAHAHA! SO DEVIOUS!!!

Now on with the tourney:

Enter the Dragon vs. The Quick and the Dead

Location: A secret Wild West desert island manufacturing compound

Herod and Han both laughed maniacally as the battle began. Their arrogance, however, was quickly their undoing as they realized that the real fight was between Bruce Lee and Sharon Stone, each waging their own cultural war. "Who will win?" they wondered. Will The Lady snap action movie gender stereotypes in two or will Lee break down the wall holding back Asian actors in Hollywood??? Unfortunately, the battle didn't last long enough to dig deep into issues of nationality, gender, and representation -- even a moron stuck in a room full of mirrors knows that the "art of fighting without fighting" is too groundbreaking and original to be topped.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Enter the Dragon!

Bloodsport vs. The Quest

Location: Vietnam

Jean-Claude Van Damme, glistening in the moonlight, stepped forward into the ring to face his cloaked opponent. He braced for the fight as his attacker threw off his cloak and revealed himself to be... Jean-Claude Van Damme!?! Shocked and confused, 1980s JCVD pushed through the pain of training and prior defeat to land a single, staggering blow against 1990s JCVD. Somewhere in the crowd, Ray Jackson could be heard yelling, "He just broke the fucking world record!" while Roger Moore was busy crying as the bookie collected on his large debt (hint: he took Moore's career).

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Bloodsport!

Redbelt vs. Sidekicks

Location: Houston, Texas

A most unorthodox fight indeed! People paid good money to see a battle to the death, but instead all they got was Chiwetel Ejiofor screaming something over and over about how there's always an escape while Chuck Norris was busy combing his hair and signing autographs off to the side. However, as Norris' ego grew more and more menacing in size, Ejiofor landed an unexpected roundhouse kick and knocked Norris senseless. Norris was defeated so quickly that the audience wasn't even sure if he was ever there to begin with...

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Redbelt!

The Karate Kid vs. The Karate Kid, part III

Location: Reseda, California

Just like the night's earlier bout between Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jean-Claude Van Damme, it looked like the older film would easily best its younger opponent. Iconic? Check. Memorable? Check. Inspiring? Check. On the books, the original Karate Kid looked like the safest bet. But that was before Terry Silver and John Kreese decided to join in on the action. Suddenly, the tables turned as a more mature Danny and his two new companions thrashed younger Danny and his high school angst. The picture soon became clear: superior storytelling and better antagonists were more than a match for the original installment. The threequel was triumphant!!!

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid, part III!

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND THREE Bracket:

Be back next week to see which movies clobber their way into the FINAL ROUND!

Culturology 059 - Tournament Movie Tournament: Round One!

Published

pete

on March 5, 2010

in Culturology

. 9 Comments

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND ONE Bracket:

(If you're not into reading and you want to spoil the match-ups, then skip to the bottom of this post for the ROUND TWO bracket image.)

Enter the Dragon vs. DOA: Dead or Alive

Little known fact about Bruce Lee: he was also a champion beach volleyball player (and if you told him you were looking for a slightly more "mature" attitude, his pectoral muscles would inexplicably swell to three times their normal size). Facing this overwhelmingly talented, distressingly busty version of '70s icon Bruce Lee, the shiny, comfortably 21st Century characters of DOA didn't have a chance. "Based on a video game?" scoffed Lee, "Ha. Ha ha hahha haha ha."

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Enter the Dragon!

Battle Creek Brawl vs. The Quick and the Dead

Two wildly different versions of the West butted heads in this instantly classic match-up: a shanty-town were all the citizens like to stop-and-stare from time to time, and a Texas that is populated almost entirely by burly men. And those burly men were quite good at hugging each other and getting angry, but, well, they just couldn't do much against gun-slinging A-list Hollywood actors. Staring down her gun at a critically wounded Jackie Chan, who knelt bleeding on the ground, pleading for her to take pity and just end his life, Sharon Stone snickered and walked away, leaving Chan's barely breathing body to be picked at by the vultures that were swooping lower and lower.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Quick and the Dead!

Redbelt vs. Bronson Lee, Champion

The exploitation wizards that came up with Bronson Lee had no idea what they were in for, going up against David Mamet's well-dialogued Redbelt. Who'd of thought that one of the all-stars of contemporary theatre would also be a macho douchebag who was way into MMA? Bronson Lee didn't, and not only did he get his ass-kicked, but he was talked out of ever bothering trying to act again. Insult to injury, my friends, insult to injury. Perhaps either Charles Bronson or Bruce Lee would have stood a chance, but poor B.L. never did.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Redbelt!

Sidekicks vs. Bloodfist

This was one of the toughest matches to call in the whole first round, because both of these movies are so... uh... good! Bloodfist fared well in the early goings, as it took immediate advantage of being readily available on DVD to control the early goings of the fight. But once Sidekicks realized that its cult status, being available almost exclusively on hard-to-find VHS tapes and bootleg DVDs snapped out of its racist day-dreaming to conjure an early-nineties Chuck Norris that was still more or less in fighting form. And also, Joe Piscopo beat Billy Blanks in a swimsuit competition. Sidekicks sneaks into round two! It might just be worth watching!

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Sidekicks!

Mortal Kombat vs. The Quest

The longest, knock-down drag-out fight of the first round. Mortal Kombat came out waving around it's many shittily-animated arms, claiming re-watchability, and a superior level of Enter the Dragon knock-offery. But then Jean-Claude Van Damme ran around with some kids, took off his shirt, and did a split, and everyone in the audience, Christopher Lambert included, swooned. This one will be debated into the ages. Was it a fair fight? Were the judges biased by a bizarre, unhealthy fascination with the Muscles from Brussels? Are they rejecting all video-game based tournament movies until Marvel Vs. Capcom finally gets greenlighted? The world may never know.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Quest!

Bloodsport vs. Best of the Best

Come on people. Bloodsport wins. Duh. Bloodsport won with its eyes closed.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Bloodsport!

The Karate Kid vs. Never Back Down

One of the greatest sports movies (let alone tournament movies) ever made faces it's most successful (and not all that successful, at that) knock-off. There may well have been things about the 2000s that were okay, but Never Back Down wasn't really one of them. No contest. Way to go, Daniel-son.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid!

Over the Top vs. The Karate Kid, Part III

We've met many people over the years that have claimed to have been entertained by Over the Top, but we don't really believe them. Meanwhile, KKPIII is a much better, way more over the top B-movie than Over the Top. It's not even time yet, in just the first round, to even sing the full praises of The Karate Kid, Part III. A sleeper candidate? A wildcard? Could be, could be...

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid, part III!

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND TWO Bracket:

Be back next week to see which movies fight their way into ROUND THREE!

Culturology 058 - Tournament Movie Tournament!

Published

pete

on February 26, 2010

in Culturology

. 6 Comments

Here at Culturology, Nick and I are getting a jump on the NCAA's upcoming March Madness by hosting a tournament of our own. What better kind of tournament than a tournament tournament? So check out the bracket below (click to enlarge) and make your choices! Then tune in next week to see how the first round plays out.

The ROUND ONE contenders:

Battle Creek Brawl: They tried to make Jackie Chan famous right after his brief appearance in Enter the Dragon. Despite flashes of his amazing charisma, it would take another decade after this movie for Chan to make it big (as big as Billy Kiss from Pittsburgh).

Best of the Best: Eric Roberts leads a team of American characters in a charge against a superior Korean Taekwondo team.

Bloodfist: Low budget fighting in the Philippines that spawned eight sequels -- more than any other movie on this list. With Billy Blanks!

Bloodsport: Jean-Claude Van Damme in the role that he never bettered, in his first and best movie. The clear favorite in the tournament.

Bronson Lee, Champion: What do you get if you cross Charles Bronson and Bruce Lee? A motherfucking champion, that's what.

DOA: Dead or Alive: Like Enter the Dragon, but with volleyball.

Enter the Dragon: The original. But is it the best?

The Karate Kid: One of the truly classic tournament movies, even if it's not as intense as the more adult fare of Bloodsport or Enter the Dragon. But can 1984's favorite plucky New Jerseyite win a whole tournament tournament in 2010?

The Karate Kid, part III: The oft-overlooked final chapter of the original Karate Kid trilogy. Most people think it went right from KK II to The Next Karate Kid, but first the Karate Kid and Mr. Miyagi had to take on some seriously menacing Vietnam veterans.

Mortal Kombat: The entirely watchable first foray into franchising the iconic video game into a filmic empire. One of the many Enter the Dragon homages in the tournament. With Christopher Lambert!

Never Back Down: Karate Kid, reinvented for douchebags in the 21st century.

Over the Top: Sylvester Stallone never speaks above a whisper (he must have been really tired when they filmed this) in this B-movie, truck-driving, arm-wrestling, father-son-bonding classic.

The Quest: Jean-Claude Van Damme is a street fighting stilt mime scamp (possibly some sort of weird child labor offender... or fetishist), forced to escape New York City and stow away on a cargo boat, where he proceeds to get caught, get saved, and get sold into martial arts slavery in Thailand. Also directed by JCVD.

The Quick and the Dead: Sam Raimi's dolly zoom wild west classic. Gene Hackman, Sharon Stone, a young Leonardo DiCaprio, and guns! What more could a tournament movie need?

Redbelt: David Mamet loves MMA. Who would've guessed? Clearly the artsy-fartsiest of the movies in the tournament.

Sidekicks: A very special vanity project for Chuck Norris, but is he really in this movie, or just a figment of our overactive imaginations?

That's the list! So now go, download the ROUND ONE bracket, and play along to see if your picks move onto ROUND TWO next Friday!