Tag Archive for 'T-Pain'

The Top 9 Things You Need To Know RIGHT NOW!

Since Nick complained so much, I thought I’d drop a little knowledge on the AS Crew.

9. The Black Eyed Peas and U2 are the worst (and most overrated) bands ever

8. You can get ANYTHING delivered in NYC

7. Your favorite rapper probably has a ghostwriter

6. Chinese run Mexican joint > Qdoba > Chipotle

5. Grades don’t actually matter

4. Xenogears > Street Fighter

3. Auto-Tune was originally developed to find oil wells, not for Teddy Pain

2. Mortgage backed sneakers are not a sound investment

1. Your breath stanks

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. (Sadly, that’s what Nick calls math.)

AudioShocker Podcast #99 – Turn Off the Lights

Teddy Pendergrass, Hot Rod, Surrogates, online dating, T-Pain, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Zombieland and product placement, Arestes by Euripedes, Timecop, Third Rock from the Sun, Hellsing anime, and more… next week: #100, baby! YEEEEAH!

The Top 9 Things That Didn’t Happen in X-Men Forever #1

Ah, yes. I remember 1991 like it was yesterday…

Okay, not exactly like it was yesterday, but I still remember when those first few issues of X-Men came out. It was sweet.

I also remember finding hundreds of them strewn throughout backissue bins for the ensuing 18 or so years. Did Marvel Comics just overprint the issues or did people really wanted to forget X-Men #1-3 that bad?

Honestly, it doesn’t matter anymore. Wednesday brought us X-Men Forever #1, a sort of revisionist X-Men #4 if you will. And here are the Top 9 things that Chris Claremont didn’t write into X-Men Forever #1 (but he probably should have!):

9. Professor X renounces his mission of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants to pursue a career as a tranny stripper. Really, what’s more popular these days than strippers? If you ask T-Pain, the answer would be: “Nothing!” To top it off, Charlie could also be a closet transvestite. So would all this make him the first tranny stripper in a floating wheelchair? The world may never know. Way to drop the ball on this one, Claremont.

8. Kitty Pryde confesses that she’s in a sexual relationship with Lockheed. There’s nothing very shocking about being gay nowadays. Stories have been there, done that. So the only truly shocking sexual plot twist left is the admission of inter-species and/or bestiality love. Luckily, Kitty would admit both of those when she owns up to getting it on with her pet dragon from outer space.

7. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus a face lift. While this isn’t truly shocking, it does make for a fascinating use of Magnetio’s metal-bending abilities. It would go down like this: Piotr turns to metal, Mags gives him a little surgical tweak to tighten up the cheeks and blend away those pesky laugh lines, and then it’s like Colossus is 10 years younger. Ahh, if only we could all be made out of metal… isn’t that right, Ashlee Simpson?

6. Cassandra Nova moves into the X-Mansion disguised as a sexy nurse. Chris Claremont, deciding to combine two character concepts into one, tells his version of the Cassandra Nova story. But his Cassie Nova is mashed up with Nurse Annie from Chuck Austen’s run on X-Men. Sexy Nurse Cassie begins a tumultuous relationship with Beast and decides that the new Sentinel invasion should feature furry mutant-killing robots in honor of her soon-to-be-deceased lover.

5. Professor X opens Xavier’s School for the Un-Gifted. Growing dissatisfied with his preoccupation with the elitist concept of “gifted,” Chuck decides to expand his mind and open his mansion doors to any and all interested students. Sooner than later, Xavier’s school becomes just like any other poorly managed public high school. Within three months, Polaris has to check every student on their way in to see if they’re carrying any guns or knives. (Hahahaha… it would be like Dangerous Minds starring Prof X! Get it? “Dangerous Minds”!!!)

4. Wolverine gets a Brazilian waxing. Yeah, he knows that the hair would only be gone for one night. But Logan has a secret date with Jean Grey and he’s got to make sure that he’s smooth like butter.

3. Sabretooth gets a Brazilian AND a manicure. Chasing after his mortal enemy, Victor Creed winds up inside the same beauty spa as Wolvie. Upon entering, he decides that his impending reunion date with Mystique would go a whole lot better if he was smoothed down and trimmed up. Imagine a great double page spread of Victor and Logan getting massages as they lay next to each other, giggling uncontrollably. That would be groundbreaking stuff right there.

2. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus that extra length he’s been seeking. Inundated by spam emails telling him that his dong needs to be longer if he wants to get in with the ladies, Piotr asks his Asteroid M director to stretch his member out a little bit. Excited with the promising results, Colossus quickly returns to Earth to share the goods with Kitty, only to find that his “Katya” is doing the nasty with a small purple alien dragon.

1. Jean Grey gets caught cheating on Cyclops thanks to Joey Greco and Cheaters. It’s a dark night at the Salem Center harbor. Scott Summers meets up outside with Joey Greco after receiving a phone call that private investigators have finally gotten the evidence they need to prove that Jean Grey is in fact cheating on him with another mutant. Scott watches the small hand-held video player and cringes. He knows who Jean is cheating on him with – that goddamn Logan. Scott and the camera crew of Cheaters quickly head to Professor Xavier’s yacht, currently docked at Pier 4. Scott charges onto the boat and confronts the scandalous lovers on their secret date. After getting up in Wolvie’s face, Logan’s adamantium-laced fist connects with Scott’s jaw and sends Cyclops to the ground. Joey Greco picks up where Scott left off, confronting Wolvie about his infidelity with Jean. Pissed, Wolverine does what he does best and stabs Joey Greco in the gut. Two weeks later, Cyclops watches the episode on TV and promptly creates a profile on NoCheatersDate.com.

More: The Top 9 Greatest X-Men Pencilers of All Time

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

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AudioShocker Podcast #79 – Podcast Crossover! Wolverine! Free Comics!

Our first ever podcast crossover event! AudioShocker vs. Comic Book Pitt! Nick vs. Duke, DanG, and Link! Titans collide and then unite against a common enemy: the villainous Ed Piskor! Live from Phantom of the Attic Comics on Free Comic Book Day 2009… can they stop evil Ed in time?

When it all ends, Neal and Nick talk X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Straight up? Neal hated it. Nick liked it. They argue the pros and cons of the Hugh Jackman solo flick including Will.I.Am, Emma Frost, Gambit, Deadpool, and more. Then Nick delivers his report on the Death Note: L, Change the WorLd one-night-only subtitled presentation. Then pure media mayhem erupts into Nick of Time, Must Love Dogs, Darkstalkers, Free Comic Book Day 2009 comics, Collage, Carlitta Durand, The Clipse, Kanye, KRS-One, Eminem and the Punisher, and tons more.

Chris Brown Vs. Rihanna – FIGHT!

Ed Note: The Database went down last night and only recently came back up. As a result, I have not had much time to edit this post. I’ll be correcting and fixing things throughout the day.

I didn’t watch the Grammy’s, because I don’t give a damn. But when I heard about the Rihanna / Chris Breezy thing, I was hardly surprised. I never bought their relationship in the first place, and it all seems rather contrived. Basically, some words were exchanged, things got a little heated, and Chris Brown went to jail for a minute or two. That’s about as much as I’m willing to believe right now.

And while people the globe over are scratching their heads as to why this happened, my theory is simple: competition. Rihanna and Brown are competing brands in a market (pop music) where popularity translates directly into dollars. Whoever makes more greenbacks is clearly winning.

The thing is, the competition was unfair from the get go. Rihanna wins straight up. It is no wonder that Breezy lost his temper. Want proof? Consider the following:

If nothing else, we will always remember Rihanna for Umbrella, no doubt her best single. Chris Brown’s best track? Probably Run It! – and need I mention how crucial Juelz Santana’s presence was to its success? Additionally, according to the Billboard Hot 100 – Rihanna has 4 Number 1’s while Chris Brown clocks in at 2.
Winner – Rihanna

This is a pretty easy one to call. On one hand, you have Rihanna’s weird haircuts and crazy clothes. On the other hand, you have Chris Brown’s lack of fashion sense and incredibly energetic dancing. Being a clothes horse is easy – doing that weird backflip thing is kinda hard.
Winner – Chris Brown.

Not quite the same as hits. Hits is subjective – sales is definitely objective. So, lets take a look at some figures from Nielsen. If you sort through it all, you will note the following: Rihanna ranks #6 in the 2008 Top 10 Selling Digital Songs while Brown comes in at #9. She is also THE Top Selling Digital Artist – where Chris is #4. The absolute numbers may all be large, but even comparatively, Rihanna just totally murders Brown. Also – Chris has to share the credit with Jordin Sparks. This isn’t applicable to regular album sales, but who still buys CDs?
Winner – Rihanna

Music videos may be less relevant now than they were 10 years ago, but that hasn’t stopped anyone from making them. As a pop musician, videos are extremely important, they are how one engages new audiences. It is important to branch out and be creative. This is a place where Chris Brown could use some work. I know you are a great dancer – but is that it? It’s the Usher syndrome: the only thing Chris is any good at is dancing. Meanwhile, Rihanna has kept her videos fresh, topical, and even though I don’t dig some of them (Disturbia, Unfaithful, etc) they are all unique.
Winner – Rihanna

These are obviously handpicked examples, but does Chris really have anything on Rihanna? He does get more guest spots and collabos. He is on the same label as T-Pain. He can actually dance. But even with all of that, Rihanna is a bigger brand. So, is it really that suprising that come Grammy time, Chris Brown lost his temper and got into an “altercation”?

Lastly, it looks like neither Rihanna nor Chris won any of the awards they were up for. How sad is that?

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