Tag Archive for 'superheroes'
I rarely ever link blog, but for these superhero movie re-cut comics it must be done:
NOTE: Please see last week’s The Top 9 Superheroes I DON’T Want to Hang Out With.
9. Thunderball. You know, from the Wrecking Crew. He’s got that awesome wrecking ball on a chain that he swings around. We’d go to a condemned building and swing that damned ball around until the whole place comes crashing down. Around the time that he decides to go rob a bank, I’ll just say I’m tired and head home.
8. Deathstroke. I would convince Slade Wilson that we should go to an underground fighting tournament and have some fun. We’ll do the Munson and McCracken routine from Kingpin, and pretend we’re inexperienced betters. Then I’d sit back and watch Deathstroke take out every single chump one-by-one.
7. Catwoman. Sexy and spontaneous, we’d definitely do something fun. She’s more of a trickster baddie than a malicious villain, so I wouldn’t have to worry about risking my life too much during one night out with Selina Kyle. It would just get boring to hear her talk over and over about how great Batman is.
6. Dr. Doom. Okay, he’s a bit nuts. But he can travel through time, he’s a scientific genius, and he certainly doesn’t lack entertainment value. The only way a hang out session with Victor Von Doom could go downhill would be if he tried to make me his servant or something like that.
5. Riddler. Our conversations would be utterly confusing but his constant need to tell me interesting puns and mystery stories could actually end up being really enjoyable. I mean, one night of Edward Nigma would be enough. But I think it would be worth it for a single hang out session.
4. Batroc. C’mon, you know that I would hang with Georges for one night and one night only for this simple reason - parkour. I would meet up with Batroc in a city that has a lot of low roofs and I would watch him do crazy stunts all night… preferably, somewhere with a lot of poured concrete architecture.
3. Mystique. I would work real hard to stay on Mystique’s good side all night because when I go home with her later, I can have sex with anyone I want! It just takes Raven Darkholme one simple thought and BAM! I can choose from Kerry Washington or Lucy Liu (or why not both!?!). Excellent.
2. Namor. Yeah, the guy is a bit unstable. But the Sub-Mariner has an entire underwater kingdom at his command, and I would want to spend at least one hang out session traveling the ocean depths with him. I would ask to visit all sorts of incredible scenic underwater locations that air breathers have never seen before.
1. Galactus. Okay, first off, I would not want to hang with him on a “hungry” night. Well, I guess he’s always hungry… but you catch my drift. Galactus and I would chill shortly after he’s eaten. Thus he would be in a jovial mood, and I would ask the oldest being in the universe all sorts of fascinating questions about the cosmos.
Next: The Top 9 Gadgets That Inspector Gadget Needs to Get!
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
9. Man-Thing. Aside from the obvious ridicule I’d endure from my friends for chilling with someone named Man-Thing, I don’t feel like “burning at the touch” of a weird swamp monster who can’t hold a conversation.
8. Luke Cage. Power Man used to be awesome but now he’s all into conspiracy theories and hiding out from “the man.” Hanging out with Cage nowadays means putting on disguises to buy hot dogs and running underground to eat them in a deserted subway tunnel.
7. Green Arrow. Aside from being obnoxious and preachy, Ollie Queen would be extreme rude to any attractive women in his vicinity. Then he’d insist on playing darts for money until I’m broke. Not my idea of fun.
6. Dr. Strange. Seemingly fresh at first, cute sayings like “by the hoary hordes of Haggoth!” would get really old really fast. I would end up telling Stephen Strange that his “hoary whore mouth of Haggoth better shut the fuck up!” before I put my foot in it.
5. Hawkgirl. Along with being uneasy about her wings and the giant mace, I wouldn’t be able to take her seriously in that bird mask. Then, if I asked her to take it off, Kendra would probably give me a line about how it’s her proud warrior garb and my request insults her.
4. Hank Pym. Something is bound to go wrong. If he’s not losing his mind and pretending to be a different bug, then he’s slapping his wife around or getting abducted by aliens. It’s not his fault he’s a writers’ punching bag, but that doesn’t mean I want to hang out with him.
3. Emma Frost. Seriously, what a bitch. The White Queen has the worst attitude in the entire Marvel Universe. She would whine about everything. The pizza’s not hot enough, the restaurant is too dirty, her ludicrous costume is riding up her crack, etc.
2. Havok. Alex Summers will ditch me halfway through our night to tell some woman he just met that he’s deeply in love with her and can’t live without her. He’ll stick me with the bill and run off to the southwest United States, where I won’t hear from him again for years. At least, that’s what he always does to the X-Men.
1. Cyclops. What’s worse than getting ditched by Alex Summers? Chilling with his brother Scott as he rants about “how hard it is to live life when I can’t relax for one moment because the smallest slip could result in my ruby quartz glasses falling off, causing my eyes to release powerful blasts of cosmic energy that could harm the people I love!”
Next: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
On Sunday, The Hollywood Reporter announced Joe Johnson as the director of 2011’s The First Avenger: Captain America. On the good side, this movie looks like it’s actually going to happen. On the bad side — as it is with any superhero adaptation announcement — there were a number of oddities with The Hollywood Reporter’s article.
1. The title. “First Avenger”? The original Avengers are the ones who un-froze Cap from his Arctic cryogenic stasis in the first place! How the hell is he the “first Avenger”?! I know that this title has been out there for some time now, but I thought I’d mention this as it is endlessly perplexing.
2. The time the article was posted. When I went to look at the official date of announcement, I was surprised to find that this story dropped at 10:00 PM on a Sunday. I know it has to be ready for the Monday papers, but that’s still a strange time to go and publish it online.
3. Joe Johnson is directing Captain America instead of Ant-Man. You would think that Johnson, with his notable experience as the director of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, would have been tapped for the Ant-Man movie. Nope. They gave him a WWII Captain America period piece instead. This guy obviously knows how to do small stuff on a big scale, yet he’s been hired to take over the superhero that requires the least amount of fantasy special effects.
4. The picture accompanying the article. The Hollywood Reporter went out of their way to give a brief history of Steve Rogers, even going so far as to mention the horrid 90s Captain America film. But they ran a picture of the wrong Captain America!!!
Instead of showing Steve Rogers in costume, they have Bucky wearing the new Captain America outfit. WTF?! It could be Marvel’s fault or it could be THR’s fault. Either way, it’s both funny and sad at the same time. You can even see the knife hanging on Bucky’s belt in the image (not to mention those goofy stars on his shoulders).
All-in-all, I’m glad that this is going to get made. I would much rather see a Captain America movie set in the 70s with Steve and The Falcon fighting side-by-side, but any good Cap movie is better than no Cap movie.
Most of all, I’m excited at the prospect of this film hitting theaters a month or so before The Avengers movie. That means Cap will end up in the Arctic at the end of this film and then he’ll get de-thawed in The Avengers just mere weeks later. That’s awesome!!! I can’t even think of another example of tight movie continuity like that. I’m about to piss myself just imagining how sweet that will be.
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