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The Top 9 WORST Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films

Published

nick marino

on March 13, 2009

in The Top 9

. 6 Comments

Halle Berry attempts to atone for Catwoman and Storm

Even that can't make up for what you did to us, Halle.

This post is a response to last week's Top 9 Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films. That list was the "glass is half full" to this post's "the glass is half empty."

It's important to note that this is our first community-created Top 9 list. If you want to get in on the action for the next Top 9 post, nominate you ideas below in the comments and we'll get to it.

Honorable mention to George Clooney (Bats), Chris O'Donnell (the Boy Wonder), and Alicia Silverstone (She-Bats) from Batman & Robin. You three sucked so much that everybody knows it, thus making your appearance on this list completely unnecessary.

9. James Marsden as Cyclops. Cyke has been a lot of things in his career, but he's never been a more of a dick than when James Marsden played him on the big screen. Jimmy tried so damn hard to be a good Scott Summers, but he sucked. He sucked so much, in fact, that the filmmakers decided to kill the character off. That's some serious sucking.

8. Jim Carrey as Riddler. I think it's the skintight suit and the jazz hands that really seal the deal on this one. Carrey almost sold me at first as Edward Nigma, but the honeymoon faded fast when he slipped into supervillainy and proceeded to give me a headache as the Riddler.

7. Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. Vinnie made a strong case for topping this list, if not for his classic "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" line. At least he gave us something to laugh at while he was stinking up the house. The entirety X-Men: The Last Stand could fill up this blog post, but let's just say that Vinnie's carrying the torch for that whole piece of shit.

6. Christian Bale as Batman. It's the voice, really. I mean, the guy isn't terrible as Bruce Wayne. But his Batman is so annoying and husky that it negates any good performance by his alter ego. Plus, he's annoyed me in two different movies as Batman. That's gotta count for something.

5. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. Damn it, Uma! You're supposed to be better than this!!! Yeah, we expected pure shit from Clooney, O'Donnell, and Silverstone in Batman & Robin... but not from you! You're the classy one. Fucking hell, Uma, even Schwarzenegger made you look bad.

4. David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury. Have you seen this made-for-TV movie? Probably not. So trust me on this one: you DON'T want to see it. Yeah, it's that bad. I promise.

3. Ben Affleck as Daredevil. Matt Murdock was blinded as a child, his father was murdered by the mob, his career was ruined by the man who also destroyed him physically, his drug addicted and deadly girlfriends have been murdered by the same man, and he's even been impersonated by another hero best known for doing roundhouse kicks in his slippers... but none of this could ever compare to the shame Daredevil felt when he was portrayed by Ben Affleck on the big screen.

2. Matt Salinger as Captain America. This one falls into the same category as Hasselhoff - you probably haven't seen it and you probably shouldn't. I saw this film as a child, and for years I had to silently work thru the emotional trauma of watching Salinger fill out Cap's threads.

1. Halle Berry as Storm AND Catwoman. An actor so nice we hate on her twice! It's not everyday that you get to royally suck as not one BUT two blockbuster superheroes. Add to it that these two characters span four different films and we've got ourselves a WORST winner! Meow!!!

More: The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Superheroes Who Don't Have a Solo Series Right Now (But Should Have One!)

Published

nick marino

on February 20, 2009

in The Top 9

. 5 Comments

9. Luke Cage. New Avengers may feature Carl Lucas in the lead, but the big name heroes in the book limit his face time. I want a Cage solo series wherein our invulnerable heavy hitter from Harlem handles business on his downtime.

8. Havok. He's getting a big profile bump soon in the War of Kings event, so this would be the perfect time to spin him out into his own series again. Alex Summers has already carried Mutant X on his own and he headlined X-Factor for years. Just get him back in his classic duds before he launches his new solo book!

7. Zatanna. The Bat-books need some magic. Even with Bruce Wayne MIA right now, this classic JLA hero could interact in Gotham City in interesting ways. The Arkham Asylum crowd are used to fists and gadgets. But what if they had to fight spells instead?

6. Falcon. I had an awesome idea today -- a new Marvel Two-in-One or Marvel Team Up book featuring Falcon as the reoccurring hero. Sam Wilson can fly and talk to birds, but he needs a power upgrade to handle major threats. Solution? Use his Rolodex to boost his brawn on the battlefield.

5. Sasquatch. Marvel's Canadian heavy hitter needs a new lease on stardom. Put him in his own series where he's fighting the horror creatures of the Marvel Universe. His lighthearted attitude and love for science will contrast well with fantasy themed horror elements.

4. Psylocke. Betsy Braddock needs a new modus operandi. My suggestion? A classic kung fu street series. Have her hang with Iron Fist, fight alongside Shang-Chi, and buddy up with the Daughters of the Dragon. Bring in the X-Men now and then to boost sales.

3. Joker. A supervillain (or "super villain," as DC Comics would say) series is always a tricky thing. But the Joker is a tricky kind of guy, so it just might work. With Heath Ledger's star performance as the Clown Price of Crime, Joker's profile is higher than ever -- now just put him in his own comic book full of funny and twisted tales.

2. Storm. Lucky for me, she just finished up a mini series. But I would like to see another mini lined up, or better yet, an ongoing book for this mutant weather goddess. Give Chris Claremont the writing assignment and put Aaron Lopresti on art duties.

1. Aquaman. Plain and simple. The classic DC Comics water hero, Arthur Curry. He's one of the big guns and he needs to get his own title, even if it's just a mini series! Ride that seahorse, baby, ride!!!

More: The Top 9 Marvel Universe Characters That Have Stepped Up Since Civil War!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

AudioShocker Podcast #67 - Debbie Does Jersey City

Published

nick marino

on February 10, 2009

in Podcast Episodes

. 2 Comments

AudioShocker #67 [ 50:46 ] Play Now | Download

Coraline in 3D is awesome, Neal was not taken with Liam Neeson in Taken, Michael Phelps should be allowed to smoke as much weed as he wants, Hulk Vs. Wolverine is just okay, Eulogy is quirky but funny, Rob Schneider in The Hot Chick gets funnier with time, Neal enjoyed The Cleaner, Keanu Reeves in Cowboy Beebop, Battlestar Galactica finally gets some action, My Chemical Romance suckles from the teat of Watchmen, Black Panther #1 is an excellent issue, X-Men: The Times and Life of Lucas Bishop #1 is pretty good too, and Kyle Baker can pretty much do whatever the hell he wants in comics.

FOX News claims there are "only a few black superheroes"

Published

nick marino

on January 27, 2009

in Comics

. 7 Comments

WTF!?! FOX News, are you drunk???

Read this article wherein Fox News claims there are only a few black superheroes and then goes on to support its claim in the worst way possible by showing tons of evidence that there are lots of black superheroes (for example, they mention the Museum of Black Superheroes).

Tom Brevoort (not known to be a huge fan of this blog) gets a quote in, but it feels like FOX News managed to choose the worst quote possible from Tom. Then the article gets quotes from a lot of guys I've never ever heard of who completely misrepresent black characters in comics. What, was it too hard to talk to Dwayne McDuffie or Christopher Priest? Or did they just know better than to let themselves get quoted by FOX News???

Erik Larsen is actually the most eloquent commentator on the subject, saying, "The characters in comics are often too ethnic for a white audience and too embarrassing for a black one." While holding a bit of hyperbole, the statement does manage to nail down a lingering problem at most major comic book companies: their black characters are trying to hard to be "black."

Basically, writers often overstress the heritage of non-white characters, especially black characters. This has not always been the case (see War Machine vol 1) nor is it a huge problem nowadays, but it does explain a lot. In particular, it explains the one thing FOX News manages to get right in this article - few black superheroes "have achieved mainstream appeal" (though Blade, Storm, and John Stewart have done pretty damn well for themselves).

Anyway, as an antidote to this madness, I would like to link to this list of black female superheroes that just goes on and on and on forever. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, FOX News!!!

UPDATE: Oh, wait, as I was typing this article they added an even more bizarre interactive image to the article. Again, WTF!?!

The Top 9 Comic Book Superpowers

Published

nick marino

on September 4, 2008

in The Top 9

. 2 Comments

9. Flight. Who doesn't want to be able to fly? It's sweet. But not so sweet that it would top this list. In fact, most superheroes that can fly are given some other sort of ability as well (Superman, Storm, Ms. Marvel, etc). Off the top of my head, the only pure flight hero I can think of is Angel (Warren Worthington III). For a time, he had that "blood can heal you" thing. But I'm sure that's being retconned as we speak.

8. Enhanced Senses. It's a simple notion. Take the sensory perception of a normal human and turn it up to 11 (thank you, Spinal Tap). As with characters like Wolverine, these senses are often linked to an animalistic connection. But that sort of totemistic power is a completely different thing. Daredevil is a great example of plain enhanced senses, but I personally prefer the enhanced awareness and reaction time of Slade Wilson (a.k.a. Deathstroke).

7. Invulnerability. This is another superpower often paired with other abilities, most commonly super strength. Superman is invulnerable, mostly as an afterthought. Luke Cage comes close to being a pure holder of this power, but he gained some super strength with his invulnerability. You need look no further than Avengers: The Initiative #13 and Emery Schaub (a.k.a. Butterball), a teen who had no special abilities whatsoever aside from the fact that he couldn't get hurt.

6. Telepathy. Don't get me wrong -- telekinesis is great and all, but I'd rather have the full range of someone's thoughts and feelings. Telepathy is the ultimate invasion of personal privacy that seems sort of delicious in a twisted kind of way. Professor Xavier is my favorite telepath, mostly because his power is extensive and he has impressive control over his ability to get into the thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) of others.

5. Agility. Maybe not the most impressive power on this list. In fact, this is probably my "pet power" choice, if only because I've always dreamed of rolling out of leaping somersaults like Nightcrawler or daftly dodging blows like Black Panther. Truthfully, I can't think of a hero who has agility as a singular ability. Tigra's close, but too totemistic. I'll go with none other than the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man as the finest example of the ability to perform fantastic gymnastics.

4. Energy Manipulation. This one's a doozy. I mean, there are so many ways to bend energy, absorb it, and rechannel it out. Endless iterations pop up in comic books because you can draw it however you want, splash it with bright colors, and it looks sweet. My two favorite examples of energy manipulation come in the form of Havok's concentric blasts and Bishop's ability to spray you back with whatever energy you shoot at him. (And of course, the Silver Surfer's Power Cosmic too).

3. Water Manipulation. This one that's a bit obscure and sure to have its detractors. Still, I think the ability to manipulate water is probably one of the most impressive superpowers. Straying from comics, we've seen fantastic examples of water manipulation by Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender. But in comics, the best example I can think of is Hydro-Man. Yeah, the character is a moron but his powers are absolutely incredible.

2. Density Control. Okay, this one is also a bit obscure. I mean, I actually had to sit down and reason out what density control entails just to write this list. This ability is not to be confused with the mass control of Harry Leland. Instead, I'm talking about Vision's power to fluctuate between intangible and diamond-hard. Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde represent the opposite sides of this power spectrum, while Vision has the ability to make himself both ethereal and super solid with a mere thought.

1. Invisibility. Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, is probably the best pure example of this ability. She also has a host of other awesome tricks she can do that are only tangentially related to hiding herself and other objects from view. And that energy manipulation is extremely awesome. But at the end of the day, she would still have my favorite power of any superhero out there if she just had the ability to hide herself in plain sight.

Next: The Top 9 UK Oddities! [instead of The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Driving Forces Behind Three of the Biggest Media Franchises of the Past 25 Years

Published

nick marino

on July 10, 2008

in Comics

. 0 Comments

I was reading about how Larry Hama is joining up with IDW to reboot the G.I. Joe franchise in time for the new movie, and I had a realization -- three of the biggest entertainment and merchandising franchises of the past 25 years have have each had a single person with creative vision that acted as a driving force behind the mythology of the brand.

That's not to say that these three individuals are the sole contributors. Countless editors, producers, writers, artists, and others have made invaluable contributions to the X-Men, Transformers, and G.I. Joe over the years. But none can take a massive amount of credit quite like these three gentlemen can.

Chris Claremont - The X-Men

For the vast majority of comic book readers this is a no brainer. CC has been shepherding the X-Men in one way or another for the past 30 years (and then some, really). He didn't create all of the core X-Men icons from scratch, but he imbued the personalities and character traits that have made Wolverine, Storm, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Phoenix, and the rest of the crew famous.

The X-Men franchise was ready to die over at Marvel Comics in the mid-70s when it was relaunched with a new international cast. Chris wasn't part of the infamous Giant-Size X-Men #1, but he took over shortly thereafter and stayed until the early 1990s (from Uncanny X-Men #94-279). That includes the legendary Dark Phoenix Saga and Days of Future Past with John Byrne. He also wrote X-Men: God Loves, Man Kills, a short graphic novel that inspired Bryan Singer's x2.

He's launched new X-titles and helped to expand the role of mutants in the Marvel Universe far beyond Salem Center, New York. He's also revisited the main series for a couple short runs. In this decade, Chris has dedicated most (but not all) of his creative efforts to pushing the X-Men franchise into the future with X-Men: The End and GeNext (GeNext #3 hits comic book stores today).

Larry Hama - G.I. Joe

Larry does it all when it comes to comic books. I primarily know him as an editor, starting at DC Comics in the late 70s and moving over to Marvel in 80s. But he began as an artist, penciling a bunch of different series in the 70s before making the move to editorial. However, the Larry Hama we're going to talk about here is a writer.

Specifically, he's the writer of the file cards on the back of the G.I. Joe action figures, the influence of which cannot be overstated. Larry also wrote the 155 issue G.I. Joe comic book series from Marvel Comics, which (as is the case with Transformers as well) was really just a birthplace for ideas that would inform the TV series and the overall mythology of the Joe Universe.

Larry's been a huge part of comics for the better part of 30 years now, including notable work on Wolverine and Bucky O'Hare. Let me say for the record that Bucky O'Hare -- an okay comic, a decent cartoon, and an even better line of action figures -- has impacted my life immensely thru the Bucky O'Hare NES video game. Beating that ludicrously difficult game took my cousins and I a good ten years.

Simon Furman - Transformers

I don't know nearly as much about Simon Furman as I do about Claremont and Hama. I've been reading X-Men comics since before I could actually read the words, and I caught G.I. Joe fever as an 11-year-old (when the series was in heavy repeats on the USA Network). But the only Transformers I ever latched onto were the characters in Beast Machines, a sacrilegious cartoon for most TF fans.

But despite practically avoiding Transformers all my life, I couldn't avoid the impact of Simon Furman. He's been writing TF comics since the mid-80s, and his contributions to the Transformers Universe are legendary. I don't know which characters Furman created, but I know that his origin for the Transformers is generally preferred by hardcore fans.

Last I checked, Furman is still writing TF stories with IDW, the same publisher that's bringing back Larry Hama for their newly acquired G.I. Joe publishing license. He's also the creator of Death's Head, a character that was conceived for the Transformers Universe (but officially owned by Marvel Comics). Death's Head was most recently revamped in the Amazing Fantasy redux series and carried over (sorta) into Planet Hulk.

ComicShocker Week 08 2008

Published

nick marino

on February 20, 2008

in Comics

. 2 Comments

I’ve been having a running conversation with a friend about the current state of the X-Men. Hell, I’ve even been sharing my theory online with non-receptive comic book fans on message boards (known as “fanboys” by some and “trolls” by others – I prefer straight up “fans”). And the more I think about it, the more I wonder:

When did the X-Men go from optimism to extinction?

Evolution has always been a part of X-Men comics. The very X-Men concept itself beleaguers the notion of human growth. And while extinction is a reality of evolution in some respects, the gloomy concept of fading legacy has become the dominant reality of the X-Universe.

What initially attracted me to the X-Men was their enormous spirit of optimism in the face of adversity. If you’re reading any X-books nowadays, you’ll know that the adversity is still there… only the optimism seems completely gone.

Take Professor Charles Xavier, for example. He’s the founder of the X-Men and leader for long stretches throughout team history. Lately, his main role has been that of secret sinner. Writers seem to have fun writing Charles as the ideological champion with serious things to hide. This was interesting the first time. Now it’s tired. Let the guy be a hero. What’s so wrong with that?

Cyclops was always the stiff guy that made tough choices with the best of intentions. Now he’s sending former X-Men off on covert killing missions and justifying his preemptive strikes as reasonable behavior in the name of security. What? George W. Cyclops. Right.

Oddly enough, the only character that seems too good to be true lately is Wolverine. He’s transformed from an unpredictable violent killer into a handsome sage with murder in his past (and present). It’s not a bad move, but it is odd.

Storm was once an inspirational force of nature among the X-Men. Now she’s relegated to a minor supporting role in the X-books. She’s seems like she’s around just to keep up appearances more that anything. She really needs to move up to the big leagues now. Marvel ought to make her an Avenger and call it a day.

Beast was once a bouncy scientist with a playful spirit. Now he’s digging through mass mutant graves and making deals with murderers to try and genetically engineer a cure for mutant extinction. Say what? It’s like some weird apocalyptic reality that only seems to affect mutants.

I’m not asking for anything to revert or change back to the way it once was. What I desire, however, is a sense of hope to emanate from the tales of the X-Men. After all, it was X-Men comic books that taught me tolerance, appreciation, and the value of forging a family made of your closest friends. What do they teach now? How to spend your final days with a deadly vendetta?

Comic Pick - Week 52 2007

Published

nick marino

on December 29, 2007

in Comics

. 0 Comments

Black Panther #33 has stellar art by Andrea Di Vito and a smart story by Reginald Hudlin. T'Challa, Johnny, and Ben are captives on a Skrull planet. Storm has avoided capture and in this issue she ends up in Skrull Uptown, modeled after late 60s / early 70s Harlem.

We meet Skrull MLK, Jr. and Skrull Malcolm. Storm sides with Skrull Malcolm and prepares to sneak through the back door into the Skrull Arena where Panther and the rest of the crew have been enslaved as gladiators. It's a great story that's easy on the eyes. And it's the final Comic Pick of 2007. Catch you in 2008, baby.

Comic Pick - Week 42 2007

Published

nick marino

on October 19, 2007

in Comics

. 0 Comments

The 99 #1 How do you pick a winner when there are so many good choices? Really, I think it would be Mighty Avengers #5 by Brian Michael Bendis, Frank Cho, Jason Keith, and Dave Lanphear. But they've set such a ridiculously high standard for this Ultron story arc that their outstanding quality almost seems average.

Then there was Marvel Adventures The Avengers #17, a surprise hit that features the Marvel Adventures Universe introduction of Vision. The story used Storm as a sort of beginning and end to the tale, so you know I was hooked. On top of the amazing art penciled by Ig Guara, the story by Ty Templeton offered up some interesting perspectives on artificial intelligence and the creation (and modification) of life.

Ahh but there was also The 99 #1 from Teshkeel Comics. The story (written by Fabian Nicieza, drawn by John McCrea, and conceived by creator Dr. Al-Mutawa) tells of young adults and children who come into contact with Noor Stones, thus releasing super powered potential. The book smacks of teamwork and diversity. That means they found my soft spot. It's like an even more international re-imagining of everything the X-Men concept does right. There's a free preview issue of The 99 online (I still have yet to read it). I know it's only the first issue of the American version of this series, but it seems rich with potential. For that reason, The 99 #1 is my comic pick of the week.

And I didn't even read Justice League of America #14 yet by Dwayne McDuffie! The guy's on a roll and I can't wait to see what happens. What a great week for comic books...

Comic Pick - Week 41 2007

Published

nick marino

on October 12, 2007

in Comics

. 0 Comments

Fantastic Four #550 is the best of McDuffie's tales yet on this run. It's smart, bold, big, and human. It takes the team from the furthest reaches of space and reality back to their kitchen. It's pure sci-fi superhero fun. It's also thoughtful and very compassionate, which really sold me.

*Sniffle* The main reason I was picking up this series will soon be gone. This is the final issue featuring Black Panther and Storm as regular cast members, and DAMN what a story. The other reason I was picking up this book - Dwanye McDuffie - will also be departing, but he has at least two issues to go. His brilliant storytelling has taken a series that I always struggled to enjoy and turned it into one of my favorite must-read comic books.

If you want to get some more in-depth info on this issue, check out my full review of Fantastic Four #550.