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The Top 9 Guesses at What the Fuck Is Going on with Captain America

Published

on June 5, 2009

. 1 Comment

Some of you AudioShockerlings may not be familiar with the premise behind this Top 9, so I'll explain it quick: Captain America #600 is receiving an unprecedented Monday (instead of Wednesday) release on June 15th, 2009. Then, only weeks later, Marvel Comics is putting out the Reborn miniseries by the current writer of Captain America (and the first issue features a cover with Cap's star on it and nothing else). Marvel Comics loves the limelight, so they obviously have something big going on.

A few things to know: Captain America is dead. Well, erm, actually, Steve Rogers is dead. He got shot a few years ago. He's almost always been Cap, but now his former WWII protege is wearing the red, white, and blues. Also, the "solicitation" copy (a.k.a. the description) of Reborn #1 will be revealed on June 16th, the day after Cap #600 hits. And there's a Captain America movie slated for the summer of 2011. So it's all interconnected and there's some secretive shit going down.

So what the fuck is really going on with Captain America? Here are my most educated and asinine guesses:

9. Captain America was raped by Doctor Light. To start some sort of 21st century Marvel Comics / DC Comics crossover, the companies have decided to show us that sexual abuse isn't just for the ladies anymore. One day, Doctor Light snuck into the Avengers Mansion and took Steve Rogers from behind when he wasn't looking. Hilarity ensues.

8. Captain America raped Doctor Light. Seems a little more shocking than the alternative, doesn't it?

7. Steve Rogers never died, he was just a Skrull the whole damn time. Since Steve's corpse received a secret burial at sea by Iron Man, Hank Pym, Namor, and the Wasp, not too many folks actually saw the body of Captain America for the last time. Wasp kicked the bucket in Secret Invasion, Tony Stark is currently erasing his entire brain while on the run from the US government, and Namor is busy ogling Emma Frost's boobies all day long. Conveniently, Hank Pym was actually a Skrull at that time (and thus will be referred to as Skank Pym from here on out). After the four of them dumped Steve's "corpse" into the Arctic Ocean, Skank Pym went down there and picked up the Steve Rogers impersonator (who was just feigning death). As Reborn #1 opens, Skank Pym and fake Steve are headed back to their Skrull spaceship where the crew is currently in the process of anally probing the real Steve Rogers just for kicks.

6. Sharon Carter is going to give birth to an elderly Steve Rogers who will de-age to be Captain America again. The title of the upcoming miniseries is reborn... so what if that title was literal? Inspired by the success of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Marvel Comics has decided to literally have Steve Rogers reemerge from the womb. How? Time travel, of course! Sharon Carter, Cap's secret agent girlfriend, thinks that she was impregnated by Steve Rogers shortly before he died. She's wrong. She was actually impregnated by an android from the future. First, the android traveled back in time to secure a sample of semen from Steve Rogers' father. Then it headed back to the future where the semen was genetically engineered to include a preexisting dosage of the Super Solider Serum. Then the android traveled to the exact point in time where Steve and Sharon were getting ready to have hot and heavy sex. The android drugged Steve and took his place. After doing the deed, the android returned home to the future. Back in our present, despite being "de-pregnated" by the Red Skull, Sharon Carter gives birth to an elderly Steve Rogers. She cares for him until Cap can get the shield swinging again. And then, in a shocking twist.. they become lovers! That's right - Sharon starts getting it on with the superhero who emerged from her own vagina as a 90-year-old man. Now that's entertainment.

5. Captain America was raped by Sharon Carter. Though not nearly as shocking as other scenarios, it provides an interesting backdrop for an exploration of female-on-male sexual abuse. The collected edition of this story will be in bookstores just in time for the Captain America movie.

4. The new Captain America is Batman. Over at DC Comics, everyone thinks Batman is dead. Actually, Bruce Wayne is just lost in reality. Reborn opens as the Caped Crusader is shifting across multiple different alternate realities, trying to find his way home. Bats ends up in the Marvel Universe, where he decides to have some fun and suit up as the Star Spangled Avenger. Image the merchandising and cross-promotion possibilities for Marvel and DC. We're talking big bucks, baby! Big bucks!!!

3. Steve Rogers was actually Barack Obama the whole time. Nothing sells comic books nowadays like a guest appearance by Barack Obama. Not to be outdone by the competition, Marvel Comics has decided to secretly make our 44th American president the Sentinel of Liberty. The reason Cap was "shot" in the first place? So Obama could have more time to run for president. Now that he's president, Obama wants to get back to kicking ass... Captain America style! Also, this would coordinate well with the rumor that Marvel Studios wants to cast Will Smith as Captain America. This way, Smith gets to play both Barack Obama AND Captain America in the same time movie.

2. Captain America raped Barack Obama. Seems eve more shocking than the other alternatives, doesn't it?

1. Captain America was actually Hitler the entire time. At some point during WWII, Hitler managed to kill Steve Rogers. But instead of bragging about it, Hitler decided to put on Cap's costume and impersonate him (sans creepy moustache, of course). Fast forward a year or so, and Adolf is tired of fighting the war. He fakes BOTH of his own deaths and goes underground. Years later, after extensive genetic modification, he reemerges as the "unfrozen" Captain America and joins the Avengers. He proceeds to pretend to be Steve Rogers for far longer than anyone could ever imagine. Sick of the endless charade, Adolf fakes his own death AGAIN and goes underground to plot his rebirth. In Reborn, Hitler reveals his master plan and shocks everyone by proving that he was Captain America the whole time. Then he rapes Barack Obama. The end.

More: The Top 9 Currently Dead Superheroes and Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

AudioShocker Podcast #59 - Chocolate Rain Body Doubles

Published

nick marino

on December 9, 2008

in Podcast Episodes

. 0 Comments

AudioShocker #59 [ 37:54 ] Play Now | Download

Dark Reign is at Marvel Comics as Secret Invasion ends, Nick wonders if Bucky is the emo Captain America, Neal is creeped out by the cover to Wolverine: First Class #12, Punisher: War Zone is a great date movie, Elisha Cuthbert uses a body double in He Was a Quiet Man, Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa is awesome, and GrandCentral sucks for turning off invites.

Marvel Comics Declassifies Avengers and More as Dark Reign Arrives

Published

nick marino

on December 5, 2008

in Comics

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So Secret Invasion ended Thursday and introduced some big changes to Marvel's heroes over the next few months. Something of note is that Marvel Comics "declassified" their preview covers and solicitation copy for a bunch of Avengers books thru February.

On our next show - Podcast Episode 059 on Tuesday, December 9th - I'll be talking about these recently released covers and descriptions. Way I see it, the AudioShocker will be one of the first podcasts to share our opinions on these changes.

Below is a huge list of links in chronological order of release date. The biggest thing you need to know is that Norman Osborn a.k.a. the Green Goblin is now legally in charge of the government sanctioned Avengers and Tony Stark has become the scapegoat for the entire Skrull invasion of Earth. (Here's more info on the fallout of SI)

Marvel's declassified previews:

IN STORES: December 17, 2008 SECRET INVASION: DARK REIGN #1

DARK REIGN: NEW NATION #1

INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #8

WAR MACHINE #1

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #20

IN STORES: December 24, 2008 NEW AVENGERS #48

SECRET INVASION: REQUIEM #1

INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #9

MIGHTY AVENGERS #21

DARK AVENGERS #1

IN STORES: February 4, 2009 WAR MACHINE #2

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #21

NEW AVENGERS #49

AGENTS OF ATLAS #1

INVINCIBLE IRON MAN #10

IN STORES: February 18, 2009 SECRET WARRIORS #1

DARK AVENGERS #2

MIGHTY AVENGERS #22

WAR MACHINE #3

AVENGERS: THE INITIATIVE #22

IN STORES: February 25, 2009 DARK REIGN FILES #1

NEW AVENGERS #50

I might have missed a few comics here and there, but these titles are most of the biggies that will be affected by the end of Secret Invasion and the start of Dark Reign.

The Top 9 Marvel Universe Characters That Have Stepped Up Since Civil War

Published

nick marino

on November 14, 2008

in The Top 9

. 2 Comments

9. Nighthawk - There's a reason this list starts with Kyle Richmond: he's stepped up (during and) since Civil War, but not enough to be a rising star. Simply put, Nighthawk is more important in the Marvel Universe now than he was previous to Civil War. Not by a lot, mind you. Just more than before. I thought that his starring role in Last Defenders was a trippy superhero hoot, and I hope that writers continue to push his story further in the direction that Joe Casey kindly put him on.

8. Iron Man - I would be remiss to not include the Iron Avenger in my countdown. Plain and simple, Tony Stark has become the new Wolverine. Now that he has a breakout Hollywood blockbuster under his belt, his street cred is only going up. For readers of Marvel Comics since Civil War, Tony's star status is a no-brainer. In fact, he's bordering on overexposure lately, and that's why he's so low on this list. The fact remains that Iron Man is more integral to the Marvel Universe now than ever, and it's safe to say that things will be staying like that for quite some time to come.

7. Hercules - The Lion of Olympus is now the proud owner of his own critically acclaimed solo series (shamelessly stolen from Hulk), and from the looks of things, he's going to be in Mighty Avengers after Secret Invasion. After smashing the shit out of Clor in the final issue of Civil War, Herc has been on the fast-track to fandom. He's been the star of some of the best event tie-in stories of the past few years, and if things keep going the way they are right now, Hercules will be one of Marvel's biggest stars in the upcoming decade.

6. Luke Cage - Carl Lucas was the breakout star of New Avengers following Avengers Disassembled. But following Civil War, Luke took leadership of the team and became this top selling title's lead character. Luke is now a bonafide staple of the Marvel Universe after languishing on the sidelines for decades. Need proof? Cage gets name-checked by Q-Tip in his new album Renaissance on the track "Dance On Glass," where Q-Tip calls himself the "Luke Cage of the loose leaf page."

Continue reading 'The Top 9 Marvel Universe Characters That Have Stepped Up Since Civil War'

Wizard World Philly Cup O Joe, AudioShocker Style

Published

nick marino

on May 31, 2008

in Comics

. 4 Comments

So I went to Wizard World Philadelphia today. It was my second convention experience in my 21 plus years of being a fanatic comic book fan. It was my first time going to a comic book convention panel, and I chose Cup O Joe to pop my panel cherry.

It was a glorified press conference with fans instead of press outlets asking the questions. Of course, I took notes on the best news tidbits just for you:

Fred Van Lente and Kev Walker will be the creative team behind Marvel Zombies 3, debuting in September. This mini series will see the Marvel Zombies cross into Marvel 616 continuity proper (though 616 Black Panther, with the new Fantastic Four in tow, already crossed over with the Galactus infused zombies last year). This mini series will see the reveal of Florida's Initiative team.
Ed Brubaker is gearing up to introduce Lady Bullseye in the Daredevil series. The preview slide that Marvel showed looked like a cross between Bullseye, Elektra, and Typhoid Mary.
An adept fan asked what was coming up for Black Panther (a favorite of this blogger). Joe Quesada explained that T'Challa is under the guide of editor Axel Alonso and fans can be sure that the character will be involved in every crossover / Marvel line event possible. Joe then went on to refer to Alonso as a "whore" before he mentioned that BET's Black Panther animated series will feature a great deal of content from Reginald Hudlin's first story arc of Black Panther.
Musing on One More Day, Joe explained that something happened on the Wedding Day of Peter and Mary Jane that caused the current Mephisto influenced reality where Spider-Man currently exists. The "how" will all be revealed over the course of Brand New Day. And yes, Peter and Aunt May still lived in Avengers Tower. Mary Jane, however, may have not been there with them (the answer was vague).
Hulk (the Jeph Loeb relaunch series) will have an incredible pair of artists doing a tag-team job after the first story arc. Hulk #7-9 will be drawn by Art Adams and Frank Cho working together on alternating scenes. That is just wonderful, according to me. I would have bought this week's King Size Hulk if only it wasn't stuffed with reprints and marked up to $4.99. Hopefully the Adams and Cho issues will only run $2.99.
Another adept fan asked about the Crew. Tom Brevoort said there are no plans for the Crew to return as a unit, though Rhodey is in Avengers: The Initiative and Junta is in Last Defenders.
The panel took a turn towards the nasty when a fan asked if Aunt May still hooked up with Jarvis, a character recently revealed to be a Skrull in Secret Invasion. This led to Tom Brevoort cracking jokes about Aunt May missing her period. Joe Q got in on the fun when he said, "Skrull or no Skrull, Aunt May has her needs." That's a classic quote right there.

The AudioShocker got to act as newsmaker when we finally asked about Senator Kooning, the only regularly appearing black character in Iron Man that just happens to have a last name that's one letter off (and sounds exactly like) a racial slur. Joe Q looked like a dear in the headlights and Tom Brevoort did his best impression of a Bush White House spokesperson, saying that Jack Kooning was named after a historical figure. That must be one of the most obscure historical figures around because I've never seen a single word about this "historical" figure. Suffice to say, I'm unconvinced but I appreciated the candid response.

All in all, the panel was fun. I stayed around afterwards to thank Tom B for answering my question even though it was a tough one. I also asked one more final query about the fate of the Falcon, who has been rumored (in the most vague sense) to kick the bucket in the near future. According to Tom Brevoort, don't expect the Falcon to go anywhere anytime soon. Thanks, Tom. Now I can rest easy.

ComicShocker Week 14 2008

Published

nick marino

on April 2, 2008

in Comics

. 0 Comments

I guess I expected Secret Invasion #1 to be a bit more shocking. Not that it wasn't good - Lenil Yu's pencils look strong with Mark Morales on inks and Laura Martin on colors; Brian Michael Bendis delivers a strong script. But the overall story felt much like your typical issue of New Avengers. That's a good thing, of course. But not necessarily an event comic thing.

I certainly wasn't out and out taken aback by any Skrull development that happened. Surprised a bit? Maybe here and there. But no "knock me on my ass" moments like the first issue of Civil War. I remember finishing Civil War #1 with my mouth agape, shocked at the words of Iron Man. It had attitude like the Bad Boys movies and hyper-real visuals. Secret Invasion, on the other hand, has a decidedly slow burn pace that feels more like a political thriller than a big action movie.

And I'm sure that's the point. I imagine that Bendis wants this story to read a bit more mature and subtle than the past two Marvel Comics spring / summer events (the aforementioned Civil War and World War Hulk). To that end, he is successful. However, I didn't drop my jaw anywhere. I didn't even scream anything out loud, often a sign that I'm lost in the fictional illusion of the story to my delight.

But like I said, the book is good. I'm not going to be spoilerish, that is unless talking about the fulfillment of expectations counts as spoilers (which, this reader believes, can have way more spoiler potential than learning about the plot). It is excellent to see Luke Cage as a pivotal player in the Marvel Universe, even if Lenil Yu doesn't know which way his tiara should be facing (ooo, watch out for spoilers!!!).

My favorite part of the issue? Three words: Reed Richards spaghetti. Mr. Fantastic needs to score a licensing deal with Ragu now. Visually, this moment is a close second only to Clor getting his robotic brains bashed out by Hercules. It's creepy and fascinating at the same time.