Let’s be honest – Hollywood is so fucking desperate nowadays that they’ll turn anything into a movie. They love cherry picking from video games and comics because an established brand means less marketing (or, at least, easier marketing).
We can all agree that there are plenty of video games that would make awesome movies. But I think it’s safe to say that some video games should never EVER let the lens tell their tale, including:
9. Dr. Mario. At first, I was going to give this slot to Circus Charlie, one of the few scrolling games that would have appeared on this list. But then I remembered my Dr. Mario addiction that I suffered from earlier in this decade – I was so hooked on playing this game that I had to literally go cold turkey. I haven’t played a single second of Dr. Mario since that time. The addictive properties of this game may compel some hapless producer out there to try and develop a movie, but I guarantee you that it would be pure crap, through and through.
8. Anticipation. This has got to be the least popular game on this list, which means that many of you have probably never played it. Good for you. This game was the torture of my NES-playing childhood. It’s like a game show or board game adapted to the Nintendo Entertainment System… and it blows. While most of the other games on this list are at least fun to play, this one is painful. Basically, the movie potential for Anticipation is non-existent and the game play is awful.
7. Arkanoid. I must confess that, on some my more bizarre days, I’ve attempted to conjure up a coherent narrative around Arkanoid’s premise: controlling the last vestige of the mothership Arkanoid, you are the spaceship know as Vaus, which hits a silver sphere around until things break apart (namely, your enemy named Doh). While I love the insane premise that Arkanoid is more than a glorified Pong paddle slapping a little ball back and forth, I would never allow my love of Arkanoid delude me into thinking that it would make for a great film. I suggest that Hollywood movie producers follow my lead and let this concept stay relegated to video games.
6. Marble Madness. I know that this was generally accepted as a good game back in the day, but I always hated it as a kid. And now it’s one of the few classic popular video games that I haven’t played as an adult. While I’m sure that (at some point in the late 1980s) it crossed the minds of a few film producers, Marble Madness has never been developed into a feature film. I think that was for the best, don’t you?
5. Bejeweled. Like Solitaire, Bejeweled is a PC gaming phenomena. At one point in my life, I even thought that it was a fun game. I may have been wrong about the quality of its game play, but I know that I’m right about Bejeweled’s blockbuster film potential – it doesn’t exist… at all.
4. Duck Hunt. It’s classic, I’ll give it that. And maybe this Nintendo game, that came famously bundled with Super Mario Bros., would be perfect for a digital short ala Saturday Night Live. I’ll give it that as well. But anything beyond that would completely suck.
3. Solitaire. Arguably the most popular video game in the world (because it comes pre-installed on nearly every single version of the Windows operating system), Solitaire is nothing more than a PC representation of the classic (and boring) card game of the same name. If somebody told me that Solitaire had been optioned and Zak Penn was attached to write the script, I wouldn’t be surprised. With that said, I’m a dude with an open mind… but this game would make for a totally shit movie.
2. Pong. It’s the original. But just because Pong launched a gaming revolution, that doesn’t mean it should attempt to launch a film revolution as well. The game consists of two paddles, either player or computer controlled, slapping a ball back and forth. It’s simple. And it’s great just the way it is. No movie adaptations, please.
1. Tetris. I’m sure that someone out there has attempted to make Tetris into a narrative film. I bet there are even spec scripts laying around somewhere in a Hollywood studio basement. And, not to be too harsh, but that’s exactly where those Tetris: The Movie scripts belong: buried somewhere deep below the Earth, never to emerge and influence a weak-minded film producer into following their lead.
More: The Top 9 Playable Marvel Characters in Capcom Fighting Games
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
Recent Comments