It’s that time of year again! Exciting announcements of future projects will be flowing fast and furious out of the 2009 San Diego Comic-Con International as the comic book publishing industry celebrates hardcore for the entire weekend.
First and foremost, fans wait with baited beath to find out WHO will be writing and drawing WHAT over the course of the next year. The following nine comic books are the last things you will hear announced at this year’s SDCC.
9. Just Imagine Rob Liefeld’s DC Universe. They let Stan Lee do it, but what if DC Comics decided to get extra awesome and let the infamous Mr. Liefeld “create” all their characters? Not gonna happen. But honestly, if it did, I would buy it. I like Rob’s stuff. All I’m saying is that DC is waaay too conservative with their characters to let this happen. Marvel sort of did it with Heroes Reborn, but that was a big chunk of Image Comics creators and not just the Robster. Most of all, I would love to see his extreme costume design for Wonder Woman.
8. What If… Joe Quesada Didn’t Breakup Spider-Man’s Marriage? In the ultimate tongue-in-cheek comics move of the century, Joey Q repents his editorial edict by writing and drawing this semi-autobiographical tale of an alternate reality where he didn’t let Mary Jane make a deal with the devil to breakup her marriage to the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. Don’t misunderstand me – this story would actually be about Joe Q and the Bullpen, not Spider-Man. We open with Joe as he’s about to send down the order to breakup Pete and Mary Jane. But at the last minute, Marvel’s Editor-in-Chief has second thoughts and pulls the plug on the Mephisto Mistake before it can happen.
7. Alpha Flight: Abominable Fury. Who’s the baddest beast of them all? The Canadian wilderness turns into a wrestling ring as Sasquatch, Wendigo, the real Bigfoot, the (supposedly) original Yeti, and the long-lost Abominable Snowman throwdown. Featuring guest appearances by Beast, Dark Beast, and Wolverine, this is the comic book for big furry action lovers everywhere. Written and drawn by Richard Corben, this will hit shelves by Halloween 2010.
6. Aquaman: Birthright. Orange scaled shirts and shiny green pants with leg fins were never cooler!!! Matt Fraction jumps ship and makes a splash at DC Comics with his epic reinvention of Arthur Curry’s origin. After kicking back a few beers with Somali pirates in international waters, Aquaman decides to go on a quest to rediscover his roots and claim his title as the king of the seas. Awesomeness ensues.
5. The Clobama Saga. That’s pronounced “KLO-BAH-MAH,” in case you were wondering. The concept? Barack Obama is actually a clone of Peter Parker, and his mysterious creator has just reactivated his biological programming – to destroy Spider-Man and take his place!!! The motivation? To put Obama in yet another shameless comic created just to move units. The result? A completely incoherent narrative event that spans six months of Amazing Spider-Man issues and fourteen different spin-off miniseries.
4. Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles. In honor of the 25th anniversary of Eastman and Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mirage Studios has decided to take the TMNT into the future. In an epic story event akin to The Dark Knight Returns, the Ninja Turtles are forced to redefine their role in New York City as they enter their mid 30s. This radical departure spins directly into Mid-Life Crisis Mutant Ninja Turtles, a story tentatively planned for 2034.
3. Captain America: Redead. Spinning out of the shocking events of Captain America: Reborn, Steve Rogers has returned from the dead… only to die again! First he was frozen in ice, then he was unstuck in time, and now he’s lost in the land of the dead. Captain America fought the good fight, but this time it’s really it – dead means dead. And in this case, dead also means a new overpriced miniseries! Written by Robert Kirkman and drawn by Arthur Suydam, this moving tale details the exploits of Steve Rogers as he brings his unique brand of justice to the afterlife.
2. Hellboy vs. KISS. The Nazi-spawned demon versus the Knights In Satan’s Service!!! Artist Mike Mignola teams up with writer Gene Simmons to chronicle the intense misadventure that begins when Hellboy is sent to investigate an occult occurrence at a KISS concert. The rockers get angry when Hellboy steps onstage by mistake and steals the show. Then all fo them fight… and then they team up to take down a reborn ghoul who threatens the very fabric of time and space!
1. Spider-Man Forever. In an unprecedented move, Steve Ditko drops his indifference to Peter Parker and re-embraces the famous web-slinging superhero that he co-created. Just like Chris Claremont on X-Men Forever, Steve picks his story up immediately following the events of his last Spidey issue, Amazing Spider-Man #38. Where the story goes from there, who fucking knows? This book is never gonna happen so I see no point in rampant speculation.
More: The Top 9 Guesses at What the Fuck Is Going on with Captain America
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
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