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The Top 9 WORST Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films

Published

nick marino

on March 13, 2009

in The Top 9

. 6 Comments

Halle Berry attempts to atone for Catwoman and Storm

Even that can't make up for what you did to us, Halle.

This post is a response to last week's Top 9 Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films. That list was the "glass is half full" to this post's "the glass is half empty."

It's important to note that this is our first community-created Top 9 list. If you want to get in on the action for the next Top 9 post, nominate you ideas below in the comments and we'll get to it.

Honorable mention to George Clooney (Bats), Chris O'Donnell (the Boy Wonder), and Alicia Silverstone (She-Bats) from Batman & Robin. You three sucked so much that everybody knows it, thus making your appearance on this list completely unnecessary.

9. James Marsden as Cyclops. Cyke has been a lot of things in his career, but he's never been a more of a dick than when James Marsden played him on the big screen. Jimmy tried so damn hard to be a good Scott Summers, but he sucked. He sucked so much, in fact, that the filmmakers decided to kill the character off. That's some serious sucking.

8. Jim Carrey as Riddler. I think it's the skintight suit and the jazz hands that really seal the deal on this one. Carrey almost sold me at first as Edward Nigma, but the honeymoon faded fast when he slipped into supervillainy and proceeded to give me a headache as the Riddler.

7. Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. Vinnie made a strong case for topping this list, if not for his classic "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" line. At least he gave us something to laugh at while he was stinking up the house. The entirety X-Men: The Last Stand could fill up this blog post, but let's just say that Vinnie's carrying the torch for that whole piece of shit.

6. Christian Bale as Batman. It's the voice, really. I mean, the guy isn't terrible as Bruce Wayne. But his Batman is so annoying and husky that it negates any good performance by his alter ego. Plus, he's annoyed me in two different movies as Batman. That's gotta count for something.

5. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. Damn it, Uma! You're supposed to be better than this!!! Yeah, we expected pure shit from Clooney, O'Donnell, and Silverstone in Batman & Robin... but not from you! You're the classy one. Fucking hell, Uma, even Schwarzenegger made you look bad.

4. David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury. Have you seen this made-for-TV movie? Probably not. So trust me on this one: you DON'T want to see it. Yeah, it's that bad. I promise.

3. Ben Affleck as Daredevil. Matt Murdock was blinded as a child, his father was murdered by the mob, his career was ruined by the man who also destroyed him physically, his drug addicted and deadly girlfriends have been murdered by the same man, and he's even been impersonated by another hero best known for doing roundhouse kicks in his slippers... but none of this could ever compare to the shame Daredevil felt when he was portrayed by Ben Affleck on the big screen.

2. Matt Salinger as Captain America. This one falls into the same category as Hasselhoff - you probably haven't seen it and you probably shouldn't. I saw this film as a child, and for years I had to silently work thru the emotional trauma of watching Salinger fill out Cap's threads.

1. Halle Berry as Storm AND Catwoman. An actor so nice we hate on her twice! It's not everyday that you get to royally suck as not one BUT two blockbuster superheroes. Add to it that these two characters span four different films and we've got ourselves a WORST winner! Meow!!!

More: The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li - TXT Message Review

Published

neal

on February 27, 2009

in Movies, TXT Message Reviews and Video Games

. 2 Comments

As we enter the last painstaking week before the Watchmen movie, it is important that we don't develop tunnel vision. Nick and I have been talking up the Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li movie for a hot minute, and it came out today. As you may remember from last week, we were already on the fence about this - but really, any chance to see Kristin Kreuk and Moon Bloodgood should be exercised. I caught the 5:30 showing tonight - and I think this is telling - the theater was empty. No one knew about this movie, or cares apparently. It looks like that apathy is justified. Here is the rundown in 160 characters or less:

SF blew. No lightning or helicopter kicks. Big let down. Wasn't funny either. Did Ricketts cast this one too? I'd rather re-watch the original with Van Damme.

chun-li

I'm not saying that I expected an Oscar winner. Obviously, that was going to be lame flick - but this was overly lame. The best part is when Bison starts using one of his henchpeople as a puching bag - literally. A little iMDB work exposes the real issue: The director, Andrzej Bartkowiak. Everything he touches turns into garbage. His resume includes such stinkers as DOOM, Cradle 2 The Grave, and Exit Wounds. Perhaps if DMX and Anthony Anderson had played Balrog and Vega, things would have been different. Sadly, this one was DOOMed from the start. Lastly, whoever did the costumes for this movie should be shot. - just my personal opinion.

More: What Went Wrong with Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li?

And more: Video of a Girl Fight in the Ladies Room Makes the Chun-Li Movie Look Weird

The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury

Published

nick marino

on February 27, 2009

in The Top 9

. 5 Comments

Jackson as Nick Fury

Superhero movie fans breathed a collective sigh of relief this week as Marvel Studios announced that Samuel L Jackson will be back to play Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury... back, that is, for NINE more fucking films!!!

While is certainly feels good to know that Sam isn't feuding with Marvel anymore, our collective thoughts now turn to bigger questions: for example, if the Formula 51 actor (no, not Formula 50, you asshats... but I bet Curtis was thinking of Formula 51 when he named his Vitamin Water... it tastes like Flintstones Vitamins, BTW...) takes Marvel Studios up on its full contractual option, which Marvel Comics will get turned into blockbuster flicks for Sam's next nine movies?

"HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS!" because here comes The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury:

9. Ant-Man. This movie has been announced, so I figure it's going to get made eventually. Sam should have a cameo in this one if only to stop by and call Hank Pym a "MUTHERFUCKER!" for slapping Janet around.

8. Thor. Again, this movie sure looks like it's going to get made (by Kenneth Branagh, nonetheless). It's the perfect opportunity to hear Sammy shout, "Hold onto your Asgardian butt, Odinson!"

7. Captain America: The First Avenger. Stupid title, but it's getting made. It'll all be worth it, however, when Sam gets to yell, "Yes these Nazis deserve to die, and I hope they BURN IN HELL!"

6. Iron Man 2. This movie should pick up where the last one left off, with Robert Downey Jr saying, "What? Join your Avenger Initiative!?! You just broke into my house!!! Fuck off, Fury!"

5. The Avengers. Again, already announced. I hope Marvel Studios picks up on the plot hints from the Ultimates 2 storyline and delivers a scene where Bruce Banner walks in on Nick Fury as he fucks the shit out of Betty Ross. "HULK SMASH SEXY EYEPATCH MAN!"

4. S.H.I.E.L.D. Recent press coverage features mention of a potential S.H.I.E.L.D. film. Go for it, Marvel! Just give me tons of Samuel L Jackson LMDs running around shouting, "Fuck you, MUTHERFUCKERs! I'm the real Nick Fury!!!"

3. Secret Warriors. Now the fun begins as I make shit up out of thin air. My first choice? A hilarious Secret Warriors laugh fest starring Samuel L Jackson. Nick Fury has just recruited the next generation of superheroes... but these kids just want to throw keggers and party all day!!! Watch as Colonel Fury tries to control these wild young recruits and turn them into the heroes of tomorrow! Co-starring Jonah Hill as The Druid, Shia Leboeuf as Hellfire, and Elisha Cuthbert as Quake.

2. Nick Fury 2: Identity Crisis. What about the first Nick Fury movie, you ask? It's already been made! Yeah, it sucked... but we have to honor past continuity. The only reasonable solution is to make a movie starring BOTH Samuel L Jackson and David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury(s) from alternate dimensions. The plot will revolve around their Wile E Coyote antics to destroy each other to claim the title of Ultimate Nick Fury.

1. Fury Vs. 007. You know you want it! Fiction's two biggest super spies duke it out with crazy gadgets and souped up sports cars. In the tradition of the mighty Marvel team-up, these two will realize they're on the same side halfway thru the movie and then go fight a common enemy: Jason Bourne, the hotshot wannabe super spy who's really just an emo amnesiac. Then, after they kick the shit out of Bourne, Nick Fury and James Bond will go tag team Betty Ross and make Bruce Banner cry again. "HULK SMASH THREESOME!"

More: The Top 9 Best Live-Action Superhero Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Incredible Hulk - TXT Review 2 and Cameo Spoilers

Published

nick marino

on June 14, 2008

in Movies and TXT Message Reviews

. 3 Comments

Here's what I sent to Neal on the ride home from the movie theater:

Movie was real mediocre. And i stayed all the way thru the credits for nothing! I thought liv tyler was the best actor in it. Roth was good too.

That about sums up how I feel about the whole thing. Now here are a few quick cameo spoilers for those who go to see The Incredible Hulk:

1. Director Louis Leterrier has been spouting off about a Captain America cameo, which is grossly misleading. My guess is that SPOILERS! when Thunderbolt Ross pulls a blue vial out of a weird cryo-bucket marked Dr. Reinstein, that blue goo inside the vial is some "Captain America" (remember, Leterrier never said anything about a Steve Rogers cameo).

2. Is that a secret Luke Cage cameo I saw when the Abomination starts smashing around in Harlem??? This may just be wishful thinking on my part, but we get a quick glimpse at a sizable looking guy running onto the street instead off the street when Harlem is getting torn up. I think this is none other than Carl Lucas a.k.a. Luke Cage. The tipping point: he's decked out in yellow.

3. Don't stay past the credits. There's nothing there. The Tony Stark cameo at the end of the film hits right before the credits, but it looks like it was supposed to follow them. Nick Fury makes no appearances (though his name flashes across the screen briefly). After the credits wrapped, the crowd at my theater was complaining that Nick Fury didn't show up. Sucks he wasn't there but how awesome is it to hear moviegoers complaining about a lack of Nick Fury?!!