9 episodes of The Jersey Shore, that's all MTV saw fit to bless us with. Sadly, the show is over and I'm stuck with reruns. What to do? How about a Top 9 recounting my favorite Dirty Shore craziness? This also allows me to not write a real column this week. Fist pump that baby!
9. Angelina - Really, who walks out on an MTV reality show? 8. Vinny's total milquetoastness and utter irrelevance to the show 7. Ron Ron Juice - or maybe not 6. JWOWW's Battle dancing 5. GTL! GTL! GTL! - Because summer should revolve around gym, tanning, and laundry, right? 4. Snooki's hottub antics - although, someone at MTV told me that Snookin for Love is all but greenlit 3. Creepin, grenades, and grenade launchers 2. THE SITUATION 1. The Snooki punch
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 > pants.
I want to like VEVO. Unfortunately, there are a number of issues standing in the way.
First and foremost, I can't get the site to work. I know it's in beta, and it just launched - but this is unacceptable. The launch was way too hyped for 2nd day performance to be this sluggish. I can't get any videos to play and the search functions are for shit. I can't even access a Beyonce video - apparently it's not authorized for my region. Pray tell, what region is licensed if not the U.S.? Also you have to access the site using the www prefix (which is redundant). That might all be minor nitpicking, but this whole thing is a joint venture with Google. Superstar uptime and IT are sort of their thing. Operational Fail.
And does this website even need to exist? I am totally comfortable watching ads on Hulu - and even on AOL or MTV when watching music videos, but where is the added value for me? All I see is value in aggregation, and maybe fewer broken video links in the future. But, reinventing the wheel, breaking everyone's current YouTube embeds, and promoting the site seems like a large outlay for small potential profits. Also, couldn't this have been defined as a new category of videos at Hulu (they have movies and tv right now) or even YouTube as opposed to a whole new site? Why not leverage Hulu's great brand image? I understand this involves a different set of parties, but I think this could have been done better. Oh wait - it totally has been:
MTV's implementation (which has an open API) of a music video streaming site is much better, and it launched last year. The design is infinitely less abrasive and offers all the same favorites, review, playlist, and social networking features that VEVO is promoting. And, they have a large (though not exhaustive) collection, including most current pop hits. The videos are easy to embed and most importantly, the site works. Booyah.
I imagine that Google / the labels will work the bugs out pretty quickly, but right now VEVO is a No-Go.
I'm not sure how to process Beyonce's alter ego, Sasha Fierce, anymore. I can't even come up with a witty headline. The 'good' vs. 'edgy' single release strategy was cute back in 2008, but 4+ cycles later I am over it. In any case, B just dropped a new video for Video Phone featuring (no surprise here) Lady Gaga.
The Track: Garbage. So far everything I have heard from this 'era' sounds the same. I think the beat could have been better used for something else. Gaga's inclusion is pointless play for relevance and she fails to add anything to the track. Bey is capable enough on her own, why is she bringing another 'diva' in the mix. Isn't that why she left DC in the first place? I don't get this, the same way I don't get why she did that other track with Shakira. Finally, I know I've said it before, but why does B keep trying to appear gutter glam? That's like Bill Gates saying he really digs the open source model and that he uses Plan 9. More to the point, it's not like anyone other than the Jigga Man has the remote possibility of a chance. Such a ridiculous and unbelievable tease.
The Video: Hype Williams done lost his mind. White, black, epilepsy inducing editing, a multitude of hyper color toy guns, Abu Grahib esque hoods, dudes with camera lenses for heads. Hype was clearly tripping off some Terry Gilliam Brazil / Time Bandits nonsense.
I mean check it out for yourself, it oozes excess and hubris. The whole thing is visually jarring for the sake of being so. Then again, taken as a leading indicator, we could be finally pulling out of the recession.
The video and inclusion of Ms. Disco Stick reinforces my theory that Lady Gaga is the most disruptive force in pop music right now. (Important note: B rocks a plastic m16 while Lady GarBage rocks an anemic pistol) Ciara, Beyonce, Shakira, Rihanna, and even my dear Amerie are all falling prey to and imitating her crazy, lone ranger, weirdass B.S. Every new pop diva video I see is just trying to capture some of her wackass style.
Let me state for the record: I am not a Drake stan. But, I have listened to the Heartbreak Drake disc a few times and won't turn it off it someone puts it on. I am not a stan - not even a fan - more like a guy who passively listens. Anyway, someone finally got around to shooting a video for Successful and here it is:
I used to really dig Trey Songz, and his hook on this track is pretty sick; but it's hard for me to give a fuck about Drake or his verses. His flow is just OK - there's no edge or flair to it. Not to mention the thematic content of the song is fucked considering "the times we live in". If I had a tour bus, and said tour bus looked like a 'freakshow', I would not be whining about my tumultuous internal conflicts and struggles with success and fame.
The video is pretty boring too, no more than a vehicle for Trey and Drake's faces. Nothing actually happens, it's all just passing medium shots. But perhaps Drake said it best himself: 'Buzz so big, I could probably sell a blank disc'.
Anyway, I'm glad that 'mini-weezy' has been getting so many guest spots requests recently. It can only increase the chances that he'll record some stellar hits and that he'll get stellar production throughout. As it is, I feel like most of his present hits depend pretty heavily on Weezy/Young Money.
Remember when Chumbawumba, Savage Garden, The Cardigans, and Prodigy were ripping the charts to pieces? Yeah, high-school was a hell of a time for me musically. And while a couple of those acts might still be around, the general notion of foreign import one-hit-wonder never seems to go away. I mean, hits come and go, but by and large - foreign acts have a tough time getting traction anywhere outside their homeland. Call it the "who the fuck are these dudes and why am I still listening to this?" syndrome.
OMC's How Bizarrewas as Dylon would say, FIRE. The horns, the guitar, the proto-bootie dancing by an entirely caucasian crew (something only Monster Magnet was brave/foolhardy enough to emulate), this joint had it all. Compound that with frontman Pauly Fuemana looking like an effeminate Dracula, and you have one of the most memorable pre-hiphop songs of my misspent youth (and by mispent I am refering to my Dorito orange fingers and pasty white indoor skin).
I miss this stuff dearly, though I would not be caught dead with it on my iPod. A friend saw that I had Ace of Base on my joint a few years ago and I have yet to live that down. I guess this is the killer app that karaoke was designed for: nostalgia. How bizarre indeed...
I harsh a lot on music videos for their shameless name/label dropping b.s. and general stuntin. I get all heated over poorly cast video chicks, bad dance routines, even worse treatments, and white backgrounds. In the end though, I thoroughly enjoy the multimillion dollar music video. It is more than just a guilty pleasure of mine, I genuinely enjoy watching their suckitude. (unlike HFCS, which I actively avoid)
But have you ever wondered what you could do with a pack of extra-large pingpong balls, some color filters, a couple friends, and a half hour of tape? Apparently Consequence and Rik Cordero did, and the result is this totally awesome (and short) music video for Buggin' Out 2009. I am digging the simplicity and crazy eye antics. Sometimes less is more people. (aspiring video directors take note!). And how do I feel about throwing back to an old Tribe song? I'll co-sign that too.
Want to see more lo-fi video classics? Check out Mjeezy in Emancipation (you'll have to use your auditory imagination since YouTube went all gestapo) or my onscreen debut in ETwo.
(Nick is totally gonna kill me for calling his stuff lo-fi!)
I don't know what is going on here. I still can not get my hands on The D.E.Y.'s debut LP The DEY Has Come. I mean, I could buy the import EP - but $35-45? Seriously Amazon? So fuck, what is a guy to do? Troll YouTube and MTV.com of course!
Check out The D.E.Y.'s new video for I Need You. It's got three short vignettes and the track is just plain feel good. Look out for Obama's body double at 1:47! I'm digging it, and of course my thing for Élan Luz Rivera is totally unrelated. Check out Divine's MySpace page for some preview tracks off the album.
Look Out! Neal Shyam is bringing the ruckus with a fresh music video review. Beyonce dropped new videos for Halo and Diva last week, and after viewing both, I decided to train my sights on the greater of two evils. My assessment covers both track and video, natch.
The Track: This beat is the raunchy 90210-esque love triangle of a thuggish ruggish hard knock beat, a baby-voiced chorus, and a broken violin. If it were just the percussion, this beat would be savage. I love the drumline sound mixed with the kick of the 808. But as it is, my brain can't process all three elements at once.
You've know how cocaine is often cut with crap like baby laxative? Well here the track is the yayo, (shoutout to John Forté who just got out of lockdown. Talk about stayin alive!), while the laxatives are everything else.
The entire idea of a thugged out Beyonce track always strikes me as mildly ridiculous (This is a stickup/ You see the mask/ I need them bags of that money). Furthermore, is there anyone who doesn't already acknowledge her diva status? I get the feeling that Beyonce is facing some sort of street-cred crisis. It's as though she feels that if she doesn't release tracks like this every now and then, she'll lose her ghetto pass. Well I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news B, but if you ever had a ghetto pass - it expired the day you gerrymandered Destiny's Child around yourself and Kelly Rowland.
And I call bullshit all over the chorus. Everyone I know who calls themselves a diva is a spoiled, bratty, twelve year old acting, daddy's girl. How can you compare that with being a hustler? Diva's are high maintenence. A hustler doesn't rely on anyone but himself.
The Video: Here is my impression of the director's pitch: "Hey B, I got an idea. Let's take your recent and wildly successful video and do it over again in a warehouse with some golden mannequins." Amazing, I know.
The director, Melina, has quite a few videos to her credit (Go Girl, Just Dance, Money Maker) - but at least half of them are stinkers (Sensual Seduction, Good Good, Green Light, anything by NeYo....) Curiously, she did not direct the Single Ladies video. Which begs the question: What the fuck, when did jocking Robert Palmer's marketing strategy become cool?
And while some artists release one video at a time, Beyonce likes to drop deuces. As we discussed on the podcast yesterday, this is probably just part of the split personality / Sasha Fierce thing. Release a soulful song (Halo) and a really in your face track simultaneously (Diva). I understand it, but I also understand saturation. Single Ladies is way more popular than If I Were A Boy, to the point where only one single can be relevant at any given time. This did not work so well with the last album either, when she released 4 videos at the same time and no one knew about 3 of them. Interesting experiment though.
Here is the thing, the black, the white, the dancers, the warehouse, the mannequins, the crazy angular outfits, those ridiculous sunglasses at the beginning, I can't take it! This video is an audio-visual cacophony. I'm all for art and high fashion and dancing - but, I think I prefer B at the end of the video: jeans, t-shirt, and a ponytail.
The Bottom Line: When was the last time your diva ass had to hustle for shit B?
Ok people, the internet and I do not have a new music video review for you. Instead, please consider the following list of MTV Music Video Awards winners from 1999 and tell me it isn't suspect.
Video Of The Year
Lauryn Hill, “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
Male Video
Will Smith, “Miami”
Female Video
Lauryn Hill, “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
Group Video
TLC, “No Scrubs”
Rap Video
Jay-Z feat. Ja Rule & Amil-Lion, “Can I Get A …”
Dance Video
Ricky Martin, “Livin' La Vida Loca”
Rock Video
Korn, “Freak on a Leash”
Hip-Hop Video
Beastie Boys, “Intergalactic”
New Artist
Eminem, “My Name Is”
Video from a Film
Madonna, “Beautiful Stranger, ”Austin Powers 2
R&B Video
Lauryn Hill, “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
Direction
Fatboy Slim, “Praise You”
Choreography
Fatboy Slim, “Praise You”
Art Direction
Lauryn Hill, “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
Editing
Korn, “Freak on a Leash”
Cinematography
Marilyn Manson, “The Dope Show,”
Special Effects
Garbage, “Special”
Breakthrough Video
Fatboy Slim, “Praise You”
Viewers' Choice
Backstreet Boys, “I Want It That Way
(source: Infoplease.com)
I think It is remarkable that out of 19 categories, Lauryn Hill walked away with 4 Moon Men, and Fatboy Slim took 3. Were the post-Fugees and overly accessible 'techno' that appealing to our collective musical pallete? (Ugh, FUCK Moby) Additionally, I have no idea how Will Smith's Miami got Best Male Video (and why are there gender specific categories?). Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It was great in 1998, but past success should not be used as a basis for future accolades.
And weren't boy bands huge until at least 2001? How then did the Backstreet Boys get Viewer's Choice but nothing else? I call shenanigans all over this list. Nonplussed, I dug deeper and pulled up the 1998 list. While it skews toward rock/alt, Madonna's Ray of Light just totally kills it - 5 Moon Men! How is Madonna spastically moving in front of a green screen worthy of awards for great choreography, direction, or editing? Could it be sales?
Let's look into that, according to the BillBoard Hot 100 and The Village Voice, the top single of 1999 was either Cher's Believe or TLC's No Scrubs. I don't see Lauryn Hill or Fatboy Slim anywhere. This suggests that the VMAs are based on something other than spins or sales. Fair enough, this is the Video Music Awards. But wait...
BOMBSHELL - Britney Spears' first single...Baby One More Time was released in Q4 1998, the album was released January 12th 1999, and the 1999 VMAs were in September. It does not add up. How is it that from 1998-2000, Spears won exactly zero Moon Men? Seriously, how many of you called TRL to request that video?
Personally, I am a little surprised that TLC's No Scrubs didn't clean up. That video was what 1999 was all about - hip hop explicitly defining the vernacular and the end of the shiny suit. TLC was pretty huge in the 90s: Creep, Waterfalls, etc., and No Scrubs was a major hit. Even Jay-Z and rat-faced Ja Rule's Can I get A... or Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca would have been better choices than Doo Wop or Praise You.
Of course, the VMAs are indicative of nothing. They do not represent music sales, viewer requests, or any other quantifiable measure. Like all awards shows, they are a foil for shameless PR, red carpet pageantry, live performances, and mirror-facing self-congratulatory masturbation. It looks like MTV has recently (at least in 2008) extended the voting process to the public. Still, who are they fooling? You can't divorce a song from its music video. Nobody wants to watch a music video, no matter how awesome it is, if the accompanying song does not appeal to them.
Granted, my argument may have a few holes, and this is all based on two hours of armchair research, but I just cannot buy the 1999 MTV VMA results.
Here is big my question for the MTV VMA judges/voting committee: If Nick and I shoot a UAL video and pony up some guap, can we have the 2009 awards for Best Group/Rap/Breakthrough Video? We need to know soon, so that we can get our entourage ready.
Last week I took you back to Monterrey, Mexico circa 2006 and told you all about Julietta Venegas. I enjoyed that so much that this week I'm throwing it back even further, back to 1998 and one of my shitty weather favorites: Eagle-Eye Cherry's Save Tonight. This is just one of those great 90s videos that didn't take itself too seriously and came out moderately funny. Granted, none of us have heard much from Eagle-Eye ever since, but at least we have this gem to remember him by. (Yes, it is a busy week at work, and no, I do not have time to review Britney Spear's new video Circus)
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