AudioShocker

9. Asking stupid questions out loud. Surprisingly, I don’t mind if you talk during the movie. Sometimes a well-placed joke can make a boring film better. But I do mind if you start asking dumb questions about the characters or the plot that will be clearly answered in time if you just pay attention and shut the @#$% up.

8. Sitting next to me and texting during the the movie. Ever notice what happens when the movie starts? The lights turn off. That means it goes dark in the theater and any light not coming from the screen is really distracting. Don’t sit next to me and text message your stupid friends about the gangbang you’re going to after the movie because your annoying cellphone is shining its stupid light in my eyes.

7. Leaving your obnoxious ringtone ready to play at full blast. Cellphone ringtones are glorified midi files with awful melodies and atrocious sound f/x. Still, I’m aware that the majority of Americans are going deaf from listening to their Bon Jovi mp3s too loud on their iPods, so I try to be merciful. But if you refuse to put your cellphone on vibrate and you have an annoying ringtone, either leave the phone at home or don’t sit in my theater.

6. Throwing your trash under my feet. I love being a slob at the movies just as much as the next guy. But don’t throw your garbage under my seat or anywhere else in my personal sloppy space. I don’t want to stand up and step on your half-eaten nachos or your sticky leftover Sour Patch Kids sugar. And I especially don’t want to step in a puddle of your warm Dr. Pepper.

5. Pulling on or tugging at my chair as you go to and from your seat. This sounds like an obscure complaint, but it happens all the time. A lot of people out there must be gravity challenged because this never fails to piss me off. When you’re in the row behind me and you have to piss in the middle of the movie, don’t use the back of my seat as a shaky hand rail on your way out to the bathroom AND on your way back in.

4. Making excessively loud eating noises. Sneaking food into the movies is a grand tradition that I proudly participate in to the fullest. But if you’re bringing your own food into the theater, don’t eat it so @#$%ing loud that I can’t hear the movie. To the guy who sat next to me in Speed Racer — you don’t need to crunch everything with your mouth wide open and then audibly schlurp your fingers clean when you’re done.

3. Sitting next to me and eat nasty food. I’ll never forget when I went to see the Blair Witch Project. The whiny woman who sat down next to me had a concession stand hot dog, and it smelled like rotting ham. As the lights began to dim, I quickly glanced at the nasty wiener and I kid you not — it was pale gray. If you’re going to eat something gross and/or fetid at the movies, go sit next to someone other than me.

2. Applauding during or after the film. This isn’t a concert, jackass. There are no live performers to feel the appreciation of your applause. It’s a bunch of still images strung together on a thin strip of gelatin that gets played real fast through a projector. That strip of film doesn’t give a @#$% whether you clap or not. Laugh, gasp, scream, whatever. I don’t care. Just don’t clap for the moving pictures.

1. Kicking the back of my seat. I understand that for some especially tall people out there, certain movie theater seating just doesn’t have enough leg room. But is it really necessary to thwack the back of my seat throughout the entire movie? No, it’s not. And you’re a moron if you do it. And I will turn around and tell you off too — in the middle of the film with no hesitation — if it gets to be too much.

Next: The Top 9 Superhero Vehicles!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.