Joe Johnson is the director of The First Avenger: Captain America, Austin Powers rips off Cap’s story, RocknRolla is evidence that Guy Ritchie hates old people, redbox teaches Nick that Secrets of the Furious Five sucks, Djimon Hounsou will be the voice of the Black Panther, Beyonce wants to play Wonder Woman, President Obama, NealShyam.com, Internet Explorer sucks at displaying .png files, Terra #1 is awesome, Neal knows more about the Teen Titans than Nick, and Vixen: Return of the Lion is all about going to Africa to hunt down Lindsay Lohan (who is now officially bisexual).
Tag Archive for 'kung fu panda'
I don’t like to complain about somebody else’s work, especially when I’m not already a creator of the thing I’m trashing. But I’ll make an exception for modern movies. I’m talking about stuff like The Dark Knight and Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. To be safe, let’s say that these following 9 suck factors apply to most movies of the mid-to-late ’00s.
9. The comedy scripts are really dumb and the drama scripts are way too serious.
8. Everything is “dark” all the time. What the fuck does that even mean?
7. Almost every big budget action movie is now a psychological thriller.
6. Catch phrases and reoccurring gags, while formerly being kickass or fun, are now just annoying.
5. Three names that tell me a movie could be better with different actors: Gyllenhaal, Ferrell, and Bale.
4. Do youth always have to be corrupted as their elders reveal a shocking hidden secret?
3. CG in live action films, while having the ability to be excellent, is overused and tends to look like shit.
2. 90 minutes is all I need. If your movie is over 120 minutes, chances are it sucks. A lot.
1. Getting nominated for an Oscar basically means that I will not enjoy watching your movie.
Of course, this doesn’t apply to everything. Some superhero films (notably Iron Man and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer) have been excellent. And animated films have been solid (I’m looking at you, Kung Fu Panda).
Next: The Top 9 Ways to Piss Me Off in the Movie Theater!
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
Arguing about Hancock, Jason Bateman, Gotham Chopra, Love Guru, Darrell Hammond, Kung Fu Panda, Teeth the movie, The Cool Kids, Twitter Feet, Avatar: The Last Airbender returns next week, perky positive girl, Mandy Moore, Weeds, Spider-Man, multidimensional superheroes, Kill All Parents, Vix #1, Secret Invasion and Final Crisis shirts at Hot Topic, scenesters, and more.
I dipped out of work early today in order to grab a Honkers Ale at Old Chicago before screening M. Night Shyamalan’s newest attempt at cinema. Here is the text I sent Nick on my way out of the theater. (160 characters or less)
The Happening wasn’t scary or entertaining. message was totally lame - shitty even for a matinee. Shyamalan is making my last name look bad.
I probably should have seen Get Smart or Kung Fu Panda instead.
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