Batman and Batgirl and Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde… what are their personalities REALLY? At least WE know what’s got “character” – the old school live-action Captain America! It all builds up to the final question… is Power Girl still Power Girl without the boob hole in her costume??? In attempts to find an answer to this question, Ross Campbell and Nick Marino resort to haiku.
Tag Archive for 'Kitty Pryde'
Ah, yes. I remember 1991 like it was yesterday…
Okay, not exactly like it was yesterday, but I still remember when those first few issues of X-Men came out. It was sweet.
I also remember finding hundreds of them strewn throughout backissue bins for the ensuing 18 or so years. Did Marvel Comics just overprint the issues or did people really wanted to forget X-Men #1-3 that bad?
Honestly, it doesn’t matter anymore. Wednesday brought us X-Men Forever #1, a sort of revisionist X-Men #4 if you will. And here are the Top 9 things that Chris Claremont didn’t write into X-Men Forever #1 (but he probably should have!):
9. Professor X renounces his mission of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants to pursue a career as a tranny stripper. Really, what’s more popular these days than strippers? If you ask T-Pain, the answer would be: “Nothing!” To top it off, Charlie could also be a closet transvestite. So would all this make him the first tranny stripper in a floating wheelchair? The world may never know. Way to drop the ball on this one, Claremont.
8. Kitty Pryde confesses that she’s in a sexual relationship with Lockheed. There’s nothing very shocking about being gay nowadays. Stories have been there, done that. So the only truly shocking sexual plot twist left is the admission of inter-species and/or bestiality love. Luckily, Kitty would admit both of those when she owns up to getting it on with her pet dragon from outer space.
7. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus a face lift. While this isn’t truly shocking, it does make for a fascinating use of Magnetio’s metal-bending abilities. It would go down like this: Piotr turns to metal, Mags gives him a little surgical tweak to tighten up the cheeks and blend away those pesky laugh lines, and then it’s like Colossus is 10 years younger. Ahh, if only we could all be made out of metal… isn’t that right, Ashlee Simpson?
6. Cassandra Nova moves into the X-Mansion disguised as a sexy nurse. Chris Claremont, deciding to combine two character concepts into one, tells his version of the Cassandra Nova story. But his Cassie Nova is mashed up with Nurse Annie from Chuck Austen’s run on X-Men. Sexy Nurse Cassie begins a tumultuous relationship with Beast and decides that the new Sentinel invasion should feature furry mutant-killing robots in honor of her soon-to-be-deceased lover.
5. Professor X opens Xavier’s School for the Un-Gifted. Growing dissatisfied with his preoccupation with the elitist concept of “gifted,” Chuck decides to expand his mind and open his mansion doors to any and all interested students. Sooner than later, Xavier’s school becomes just like any other poorly managed public high school. Within three months, Polaris has to check every student on their way in to see if they’re carrying any guns or knives. (Hahahaha… it would be like Dangerous Minds starring Prof X! Get it? “Dangerous Minds”!!!)
4. Wolverine gets a Brazilian waxing. Yeah, he knows that the hair would only be gone for one night. But Logan has a secret date with Jean Grey and he’s got to make sure that he’s smooth like butter.
3. Sabretooth gets a Brazilian AND a manicure. Chasing after his mortal enemy, Victor Creed winds up inside the same beauty spa as Wolvie. Upon entering, he decides that his impending reunion date with Mystique would go a whole lot better if he was smoothed down and trimmed up. Imagine a great double page spread of Victor and Logan getting massages as they lay next to each other, giggling uncontrollably. That would be groundbreaking stuff right there.
2. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus that extra length he’s been seeking. Inundated by spam emails telling him that his dong needs to be longer if he wants to get in with the ladies, Piotr asks his Asteroid M director to stretch his member out a little bit. Excited with the promising results, Colossus quickly returns to Earth to share the goods with Kitty, only to find that his “Katya” is doing the nasty with a small purple alien dragon.
1. Jean Grey gets caught cheating on Cyclops thanks to Joey Greco and Cheaters. It’s a dark night at the Salem Center harbor. Scott Summers meets up outside with Joey Greco after receiving a phone call that private investigators have finally gotten the evidence they need to prove that Jean Grey is in fact cheating on him with another mutant. Scott watches the small hand-held video player and cringes. He knows who Jean is cheating on him with – that goddamn Logan. Scott and the camera crew of Cheaters quickly head to Professor Xavier’s yacht, currently docked at Pier 4. Scott charges onto the boat and confronts the scandalous lovers on their secret date. After getting up in Wolvie’s face, Logan’s adamantium-laced fist connects with Scott’s jaw and sends Cyclops to the ground. Joey Greco picks up where Scott left off, confronting Wolvie about his infidelity with Jean. Pissed, Wolverine does what he does best and stabs Joey Greco in the gut. Two weeks later, Cyclops watches the episode on TV and promptly creates a profile on NoCheatersDate.com.
More: The Top 9 Greatest X-Men Pencilers of All Time
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
I won’t be surprised if this list is completely obsolete in two weeks.
Honorable mention to the original Aquaman (Arthur Curry). I’m not sure what the hell is going on with him right now… EDIT: The Aquaman Shrine knows what’s up thanks to this Blackest Night teaser featuring a zombie who resembles a certain famous scaly-shirted DCU hero.
9. Elongated Man (Ralph Dibny). This stretchy detective met his end at the end of DC Comics’ weekly 52 comic book. But he’s probably the least “dead” character on this list, considering that he’s been shown (however sparingly) to be active even in the afterlife.
8. Kitty Pryde. Her “death” came at the end of Joss Whedon and John Cassaday’s Astonishing X-Men run. She saved the day by permanently fusing herself to a giant bullet and phasing it through the Earth. Currently hurtling thru space, she’s not technically dead… but she might as well be since there’s nothing anyone can do for her.
7. Sabretooth (Victor Creed). Vic was skewered by Wolverine in (the most recent) Wolverine #55. It’s kind of bad timing if you ask me – Sabretooth is going to be played on the big screen in May (or tonight, on your computer, thanks to bittorrent) by Liev Schreiber. Too bad he’s nowhere to be found in the Wolverine books!
6. Shredder (Oroku Saki). Mirage Comics no longer publishes a current ongoing Turtles narrative. Rather, the Tales of the TMNT series jumps around time and delivers stories from the entire timeline of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But, as far as I know, Shredder is still dead in the “present.” And he’s still awesome, dead or not.
5. Martian Manhunter (J’onn J’onzz). Marty got toasted by the Human Flame in Final Crisis #1. DC had been giving J’onn the runaround for the past few years anyway, so it was no big loss when he went up in flames. He’ll definitely be back at some point because he’s too awesome to stay dead for too long.
4. Jean Grey. Yep, still dead… I think. Who knows with this one? Her most recent “death” was in New X-Men #150, when Wolverine stabbed her and the Phoenix force saved her and then she was promptly murdered by Magento / Xorn / none of the above. Whatever. It’s always been messy when it comes to Jean.
3. Thanos. Landing in the number three spot is Thanos. Why? Because I like him, damn it! And because this is the guy who almost completely controlled the universe but decided to bitch out at the very last minute just because he felt like it. Sweet! He was later destroyed by Drax in the original Annihilation limited series.
2. Batman (Bruce Wayne). Okay, this is kind of a cheat. In Final Crisis #6 we see Bats die, and then we see him back again at the very end of Final Crisis #7. But for all intents and purposes, Bruce is dead to the DC Universe. I mean, people are “battling” for his cowl as we speak. And that’s fine by me.
1. Captain America (Steve Rogers). Steve took a bullet for his country in (the most recent) Captain America #25. His mantle is currently being filled by his long-thought-dead WWII sidekick, Bucky Barnes, who was actually in an off-again on-again cryogenic deep sleep that was suspended only when the USSR wanted their “Winter Soldier” to go ice someone. Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
More: The Top 9 Superheroes I DON’T Want to Hang Out With
And more: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
9. Flight. Who doesn’t want to be able to fly? It’s sweet. But not so sweet that it would top this list. In fact, most superheroes that can fly are given some other sort of ability as well (Superman, Storm, Ms. Marvel, etc). Off the top of my head, the only pure flight hero I can think of is Angel (Warren Worthington III). For a time, he had that “blood can heal you” thing. But I’m sure that’s being retconned as we speak.
8. Enhanced Senses. It’s a simple notion. Take the sensory perception of a normal human and turn it up to 11 (thank you, Spinal Tap). As with characters like Wolverine, these senses are often linked to an animalistic connection. But that sort of totemistic power is a completely different thing. Daredevil is a great example of plain enhanced senses, but I personally prefer the enhanced awareness and reaction time of Slade Wilson (a.k.a. Deathstroke).
7. Invulnerability. This is another superpower often paired with other abilities, most commonly super strength. Superman is invulnerable, mostly as an afterthought. Luke Cage comes close to being a pure holder of this power, but he gained some super strength with his invulnerability. You need look no further than Avengers: The Initiative #13 and Emery Schaub (a.k.a. Butterball), a teen who had no special abilities whatsoever aside from the fact that he couldn’t get hurt.
6. Telepathy. Don’t get me wrong — telekinesis is great and all, but I’d rather have the full range of someone’s thoughts and feelings. Telepathy is the ultimate invasion of personal privacy that seems sort of delicious in a twisted kind of way. Professor Xavier is my favorite telepath, mostly because his power is extensive and he has impressive control over his ability to get into the thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) of others.
5. Agility. Maybe not the most impressive power on this list. In fact, this is probably my “pet power” choice, if only because I’ve always dreamed of rolling out of leaping somersaults like Nightcrawler or daftly dodging blows like Black Panther. Truthfully, I can’t think of a hero who has agility as a singular ability. Tigra’s close, but too totemistic. I’ll go with none other than the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man as the finest example of the ability to perform fantastic gymnastics.
4. Energy Manipulation. This one’s a doozy. I mean, there are so many ways to bend energy, absorb it, and rechannel it out. Endless iterations pop up in comic books because you can draw it however you want, splash it with bright colors, and it looks sweet. My two favorite examples of energy manipulation come in the form of Havok’s concentric blasts and Bishop’s ability to spray you back with whatever energy you shoot at him. (And of course, the Silver Surfer’s Power Cosmic too).
3. Water Manipulation. This one that’s a bit obscure and sure to have its detractors. Still, I think the ability to manipulate water is probably one of the most impressive superpowers. Straying from comics, we’ve seen fantastic examples of water manipulation by Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender. But in comics, the best example I can think of is Hydro-Man. Yeah, the character is a moron but his powers are absolutely incredible.
2. Density Control. Okay, this one is also a bit obscure. I mean, I actually had to sit down and reason out what density control entails just to write this list. This ability is not to be confused with the mass control of Harry Leland. Instead, I’m talking about Vision’s power to fluctuate between intangible and diamond-hard. Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde represent the opposite sides of this power spectrum, while Vision has the ability to make himself both ethereal and super solid with a mere thought.
1. Invisibility. Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, is probably the best pure example of this ability. She also has a host of other awesome tricks she can do that are only tangentially related to hiding herself and other objects from view. And that energy manipulation is extremely awesome. But at the end of the day, she would still have my favorite power of any superhero out there if she just had the ability to hide herself in plain sight.
Next: The Top 9 UK Oddities! [instead of The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks]
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
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