FNMTV is back like cooked crack. Unfortunately for the 2 of you that got that reference, Juelz Santana is nowhere to be found. Once again scraping the bottom of the barrel, I bring you MTV’s newest video premieres in “quickie” review style.
LL Cool J - Baby
Mr. Smith brings the ennui with a vocoder chorus, weak rhymes, terrible attempts at dancing, graphic Ts, and endorsements of drunk driving.
She and Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward spin us a macabre acid trip with a subdued soundtrack. She gets axed a few times, there are some sort of Pacman-esque ghosts, and then I’m not sure what happens. It sort of kills me to watch this since Zooey is capable of so much better.
Daughtry - What About Now: 90 Second Preview
Is this supposed to be a PSA or a reimagining of Van Halen’s Right Now? Either way, it’s so boring that even MTV could only stomach 90 seconds of it.
Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Live)
Zooey Deschanel doppelganger hops around in a short floral print jumper singing her crappy song. Nothing to see here folks. Seriously.
The D.E.Y. - you’ve heard of them right? Two bilingual rappers anchored by female vocalist and today’s subject: Élan Luz Rivera? No? How about the tracks they did with Paula DeAnda or Sean Kingston and Juelz Santana? Well, it’s not too late - their LP drops next month, so you still have time to act as if you’ve been up on them for a minute.
A quick screening test: Looks? Yes. Voice? Natch. Down with DipSet? Sweet. Broadway experience? Bonus. Élan has clearly got it going on - but that alone isn’t going to make me crack a fat. In a world of precision-manufactured pop music you need to distinguish yourself or you’re just another cute girl on Entourage.
So, what then does Élan bring to the table? The same thing a recently engaged mutual friend of Nick and mine does: her nose. More specifically, how she wrinkles it.
No joke! The way Élan wrinkles her nose when she sings, high up around the top of the bridge, is the sexiest thing ever. Watch the Sean Kingston video and you’ll see what I mean. It doesn’t even have to be a happy wrinkle! Pouty and angry wrinkles can be sexy too.
Hate your nose? In college, I took an engineering math class called Numerical Methods from a professor named Kenji Shimada. Kenji is big into computer graphics and modeling the human form. One day his lecture went tangent and he tried to explain how math and beauty are related. According to him, mathematical discontinuities make your face unique and interesting. The bridge of your nose is a particular type of discontinuity called a saddle point. Saddle points can be a pain in the ass mathematically speaking (cut to me checking for local extrema in calculus), but without them your face would be two-dimensional and easy to forget - like a kneecap. Your nose adds depth, balance, makes you recognizable, and is unique to you. Think about that the next time you curse your ski slope.
In short: Élan Luz Rivera, your nose puts you head and shoulders above the rest. And yes, I would like to stick it to you.
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