Jean-Claude Van Damme on the AudioShocker

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Assassination Games movie review [SPOILERS!]

Published

on October 30, 2011

. 0 Comments

Jean-Claude Van Damme has a new film out and I watched it on Friday night. I decided to live-tweet my viewing experience since I have a long-standing history of tweeting Jean-Claude Van Damme movie reviews.

JCVD is a straight shooter

Here's what I tweeted about Assassination Games:

Aight!!! It's #JCVD time!!! I'm watching Assassination Games and live tweeting the experience.
I already hit technical difficulties :)
I'm eating a veggie protein "sausage flavor" sandwich. Really good. Hahaha I know... who cares, right? Anyway, back to my tech problems...
I rented Assassination Games from Amazon... first time I've ever tried that before. And the streaming player froze up on me just now...
Granted, that's after I seeked back a few times and had it paused for a few mins. But still... it shouldn't be freezing this bad!!!
I refreshed and tried to use Amazon's "Resume" button... but it didn't work. So I have to play from the beginning (I only watched 2 mins)...
Anyway, on with Assassination Games! I like how it started with a Nietzsche quote... ties in nicely with my current reading: Infinity War.
And BAM! There's Van Damme :) I love the disguise he has on, with the sideburns. Hilarious.
I had to rewind it a sec to see if I could see when #JCVD slits the guy's throat. Can't see it.
The quick kitchen fight scene was great! #JCVD
Oooooo sponge bath. WAIT... that's Bianca, daughter of #JCVD ... right?
Ahhh now he looks like himself. #JCVD walking into some kind of beat down building. Music has been great so far, BTW.
Uhhhhhh weird apartment...
Ahhhhh it's a fake facade. Very nice touch. Clever. I dig it. The real #JCVD apartment has class. And a butt-load of weapons. AND A TURTLE!

Kris and Bianca

There's the son of #JCVD Kris. Seems a bit out of place with these older guys.
Kris is fine, but seems a bit miscast so far.
Sooooo Scott Adkins... uhhh sponge bathing people and chopping wood. Odd.
He better be a good fighter cause his acting is RAW.
The Scott Adkins scene is so boring that I started reading @GynoStar instead of watching Assassination Games. It was worth it :)
Oooo great song on the radio. Awesome RnB. Gotta check out the soundtrack credits after the movie...
More #JCVD ... walking to the good song. And more secret rooms. Recurring theme. Hahaha JCVD make a diet joke. Hmmm blood diamonds?
I like how understated #JCVD has become with his acting.
FLASHBACK! With Bianca. She's very good!!! But Adkins still somehow boring despite the tension.
So one of the guys who effed up Bianca is Van Damme's next hit. I get it. And he has new neighbors. Who suck.
Hahaha funny ringtone. Chess. And... AN ASCOT? I like the guy who dispatches #JCVD in this movie.
Ohhhh Van Damme's new neighbors are hookers.
Soooooo the action scene. I'm sorry but Adkins is killing this for me. Oooo weird #JCVD playing the violin scene. Uh oh.
Hookers getting beat. And #JCVD saves the day, I guess. It's a little confusing. Hmmm more drama.
Okay, Adkins is good at the action! It's a... #JCVD fight scene!!! The cinematography is solid. Great lighting. Hahaha funny guns.

Van Damme... just coolin out

Hahahaha #JCVD slipped up for a minute... showed some of his old style of acting! Great.
What's up with this laser scene? Hahaha what?? His name is Roland Flint? So goofy.
So the guy who likes to kill and torture people has a scrapbook with his brother in it? HAHAHA
#JCVD back at home annddddd the hooker is petting the turtle
That's not a euphemism. Seriously, the hooker was petting his turtle.
Sooooo the characters in this film: killers or hookers. I don't think there's anything else.
I'm confused about the Interpol subplot. What do they want?
Plot thickens! Ascot guy is an ass.
Awkward whore = killer analogy. Not very clever. Nice #JCVD neighbor confrontation though!
I get the Interpol subplot now. Exposition! Courtesy the ascot ass.
"do you dream?" aaahahahahjhaha
Ha boob closeup with funny rnb. Good stuff.
What type of underwear is she wearing? Odd bra. Like a strapless sportsbra. Ooo #JCVD kiss
Adkins is a good fighter. I get it. And #JCVD is being creepy. I smell a turning point.

This is not a scene from Assassination Games

Oh shit jumper cables. For the balls? I hope so.
Whoa. I don't wanna spoil it. But whoa. Raw #JCVD moment
The Amazon streaming is great quality. Got it running to my tv via hdmi from the laptop
It's hard to say much now without giving stuff away. But barring a good surprise ending, Assassination Games would get a 6.5 out of 10
Finally Scott Adkins gets some intensity in his eyes!
Hahahaha OMG #JCVD with a samurai sword. Fantastic.
Hrmm so there was the perfect place to end it but then they tried to do an emotional epilogue and that killed it.
The samurai sword thing would have been the perfect over the top ending for #JCVD in Assassination Games.
Anyway that's it for now. I'll do a final review later this weekend.
Assassination Games (2011) - 6/10 - Great stuff (Van Damme's performance, fight scenes) mixed w/ average stuff (plot, overdone ending) #JCVD

Final thoughts: Overall, Assassination Games was a decent movie that tried a bit too hard to be poignant and emotional when it should have focused more on the action.

Also, it did a piss poor job with its female characters (one of them was gang-raped off camera and put into a coma, while the other one was brutally murdered)... so that definitely didn't aid in my enjoyment of the film.

But the movie did some things very right -- Van Damme turned out a solid performance, the fight scenes were quick and strong, and the samurai sword epilogue was outrageously fantastic.

The movie would have scored a 7/10 from me if it had ended on Scott Adkins' creepy smile that followed the samurai sword moment. Instead, the film tried to do a "touching" emotional ending that didn't work because I never effectively connected with the characters in a sentimental way. Not a horrible ending... but enough to knock Assassination Games down to a 6/10.

AudioShocker Podcast #178 - Hair Helmet

Published

nick marino

on May 17, 2011

in Podcast Episodes

. 7 Comments

AudioShocker Podcast #178 [ 24:54 ] Play Now | Download

Nick shares his recipe for Maple Watermelon Mustard Glaze... AND he shares his Kung Fu Panda 2 advance review. Neal doesn't understand why it took so long to make a second one. Nick talks about JCVD's Kung Fu Panda cameo AND he recommends Van Damme's new reality show, Behind Closed Doors (check this episode of Jean-Claude preparing to film his part as Master Croc).

Then Neal introduces the concept of the 80s hair helmet fashion trend... WHY DID IT EXIST?!?!?!? That spins off into a discussion of hair fashion over the decades. Nick is confused by a Tumblr post that he can't find anymore, and then Neal introduces a bunch of random topics.

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #42 - The Van Damme-cast!!!

Published

nick marino

on March 31, 2010

in Podcast Episodes

. 0 Comments

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #042 [ 47:16 ] Play Now | Download

Jean-Claude Van Damme. The man, the myth, the podcast subject! Desert Heat gets it goin, Nowhere to Run picks it up and takes it In Hell, which doesn't stop Until Death... until JCVD, that is. Next week: the Broncanusscast! Or maybe just the Hesscast. Whatever.

Culturology 059 - Tournament Movie Tournament: Round One!

Published

pete

on March 5, 2010

in Culturology

. 9 Comments

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND ONE Bracket:

(If you're not into reading and you want to spoil the match-ups, then skip to the bottom of this post for the ROUND TWO bracket image.)

Enter the Dragon vs. DOA: Dead or Alive

Little known fact about Bruce Lee: he was also a champion beach volleyball player (and if you told him you were looking for a slightly more "mature" attitude, his pectoral muscles would inexplicably swell to three times their normal size). Facing this overwhelmingly talented, distressingly busty version of '70s icon Bruce Lee, the shiny, comfortably 21st Century characters of DOA didn't have a chance. "Based on a video game?" scoffed Lee, "Ha. Ha ha hahha haha ha."

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Enter the Dragon!

Battle Creek Brawl vs. The Quick and the Dead

Two wildly different versions of the West butted heads in this instantly classic match-up: a shanty-town were all the citizens like to stop-and-stare from time to time, and a Texas that is populated almost entirely by burly men. And those burly men were quite good at hugging each other and getting angry, but, well, they just couldn't do much against gun-slinging A-list Hollywood actors. Staring down her gun at a critically wounded Jackie Chan, who knelt bleeding on the ground, pleading for her to take pity and just end his life, Sharon Stone snickered and walked away, leaving Chan's barely breathing body to be picked at by the vultures that were swooping lower and lower.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Quick and the Dead!

Redbelt vs. Bronson Lee, Champion

The exploitation wizards that came up with Bronson Lee had no idea what they were in for, going up against David Mamet's well-dialogued Redbelt. Who'd of thought that one of the all-stars of contemporary theatre would also be a macho douchebag who was way into MMA? Bronson Lee didn't, and not only did he get his ass-kicked, but he was talked out of ever bothering trying to act again. Insult to injury, my friends, insult to injury. Perhaps either Charles Bronson or Bruce Lee would have stood a chance, but poor B.L. never did.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Redbelt!

Sidekicks vs. Bloodfist

This was one of the toughest matches to call in the whole first round, because both of these movies are so... uh... good! Bloodfist fared well in the early goings, as it took immediate advantage of being readily available on DVD to control the early goings of the fight. But once Sidekicks realized that its cult status, being available almost exclusively on hard-to-find VHS tapes and bootleg DVDs snapped out of its racist day-dreaming to conjure an early-nineties Chuck Norris that was still more or less in fighting form. And also, Joe Piscopo beat Billy Blanks in a swimsuit competition. Sidekicks sneaks into round two! It might just be worth watching!

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Sidekicks!

Mortal Kombat vs. The Quest

The longest, knock-down drag-out fight of the first round. Mortal Kombat came out waving around it's many shittily-animated arms, claiming re-watchability, and a superior level of Enter the Dragon knock-offery. But then Jean-Claude Van Damme ran around with some kids, took off his shirt, and did a split, and everyone in the audience, Christopher Lambert included, swooned. This one will be debated into the ages. Was it a fair fight? Were the judges biased by a bizarre, unhealthy fascination with the Muscles from Brussels? Are they rejecting all video-game based tournament movies until Marvel Vs. Capcom finally gets greenlighted? The world may never know.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Quest!

Bloodsport vs. Best of the Best

Come on people. Bloodsport wins. Duh. Bloodsport won with its eyes closed.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Bloodsport!

The Karate Kid vs. Never Back Down

One of the greatest sports movies (let alone tournament movies) ever made faces it's most successful (and not all that successful, at that) knock-off. There may well have been things about the 2000s that were okay, but Never Back Down wasn't really one of them. No contest. Way to go, Daniel-son.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid!

Over the Top vs. The Karate Kid, Part III

We've met many people over the years that have claimed to have been entertained by Over the Top, but we don't really believe them. Meanwhile, KKPIII is a much better, way more over the top B-movie than Over the Top. It's not even time yet, in just the first round, to even sing the full praises of The Karate Kid, Part III. A sleeper candidate? A wildcard? Could be, could be...

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid, part III!

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND TWO Bracket:

Be back next week to see which movies fight their way into ROUND THREE!

Jean-Claude Van Damme Movie Review Master List

Published

nick marino

on February 28, 2010

in Movies

. 9 Comments

Background: It was over six months ago when I made a personal pact with myself -- I vowed to watch all of Jean-Claude Van Damme's starring roles in chronological order and review them each one-by-one on our site's Twitter account. It was a massive undertaking (as you can see below), and I had a great time doing it. Thx to the man himself, JCVD, and to all those who've helped create his films over the years.

Bloodsport (1988) - 10/10
Not only a great role for Van Damme, but also an amazing martial arts film. Classic. [original tweet 10/31/2009]
Cyborg (1989) - 1/10
Interesting idea but completely unwatchable. Even Jean-Claude is a dud here. Maybe his worst performance. [original tweet 11/09/2009]
Kickboxer (1989) - 9/10
ALMOST as good as Bloodsport, which means this is really good. Van Damme's performance might be his best. [original tweet 11/14/2009]
Lionheart (1990) - 8/10
An excellent film, though the story drags here and there. Some of Jean-Claude's best fights caught on film. [original tweet 11/25/2009]
Death Warrant (1990) - 4/10
It's watchable, just not enjoyable. Jean-Claude turns in a decent performance, but the editing is awful. [original tweet 11/30/2009]
Double Impact (1991) - 5/10
Tons of fun, but kind of lame at the same time. Van Damme must have been taxed by the dual role. [original tweet 12/06/2009]
Universal Soldier (1992) - 5/10
Not good, not bad. This film sort of sits squarely in the middle of Van Damme's filmography. [original tweet 12/13/2009]
Nowhere to Run (1993) - 8/10
Unexpectedly good. More folksy than Van Damme's other flicks and propped up by strong storytelling. [original tweet 12/20/2009]
Hard Target (1993) - 4/10
Jean-Claude is good but the whole thing is so hokey. It's John Woo to the max... no, actually, maxed out. [original tweet 12/26/2009]
Timecop (1994) - 7/10
Makes no sense by the end, but I'm a sucker for kickass sci-fi and time travel. Plus, Van Damme is solid here. [original tweet 01/02/2010]
Street Fighter (1994) - 5/10
Overall, this is a lot better than its reputation. A good film but kind of weak acting by Van Damme. [original tweet 01/09/2010]
Sudden Death (1995) - 6/10
"Die Hard in a hockey arena" is too long and overdone, but still very good. Great Van Damme acting. [original tweet 01/16/2010]
Maximum Risk (1996) - 8/10
Definitely Van Damme's most traditional "thriller" to date. He does a great job and the film is solid. [original tweet 01/23/2010]
The Quest (1996) - 6/10
It has issues, but Van Damme's directorial debut works well in a strange way, especially during the fights. [original tweet 01/30/2010]
Double Team (1997) - 1/10
I love the fact that this movie even exists... But, unfortunately, it's pretty much unwatchable. [original tweet 02/02/2010]
Knock Off (1998) - 2/10
It pains me to say that this Jean-Claude Van Damme / Rob Schneider team-up totally sucks. Funny idea though. [original tweet 02/05/2010]
Legionnaire (1998) - 3/10
Put simply: This historical epic showcases good acting by Van Damme. But it still blows. [original tweet 02/03/2010]
Desert Heat (1999) - 6/10
I was unimpressed at first, but fond memories of Van Damme's interesting role in this film stuck with me. [original tweet 02/11/2010]
Universal Solider: The Return (1999)
2/10 - It's so bad!!! Arrgghhh! I can't take it! Make the pain stop, Van Damme, make it stop! [original tweet 02/09/2010]
Replicant (2001) - 5/10
Jean-Claude returns to his habit of dual roles in ridiculous form. Watch this only for unintentional laughs. [original tweet 02/15/2010]
The Order (2001) - 3/10
Not bad, per se... But not good either. The Charlton Heston appearance is the only memorable moment. [original tweet 02/17/2010]
Derailed (2002) - 5/10
Despite providing fodder for Van Damme critics, this b-movie is more fun than many of his fancier flicks. [original tweet 02/19/2010]
In Hell (2003) - 8/10
Morbid and engaging, Jean-Claude is at his most intense since Bloodsport... only far more emotionally complex. [original tweet 02/21/2010]
Wake of Death (2004) - 4/10
Van Damme's acting is especially strong and emotional, but the plot lacks. That drags this one down. [original tweet 02/22/2010]
Second in Command (2006) - 6/10
A surprisingly enjoyable and well-crafted movie. Van Damme's decent but the story shines brighter. [original tweet 02/24/2010]
The Hard Corps (2006) - 5/10
Goofy and drawn out, yet still tons of fun. The plot is convoluted but the characters are charismatic. [original tweet 11/20/2010]
Until Death (2007) - 7/10
This odd, sick plot turns highly entertaining when combined with Van Damme's performance. A great role for JCVD. [original tweet 02/26/2010]
The Shepard (2008) - 7/10
An average film boosted by excellent fight choreography and the quirkiness of Van Damme's character. [original tweet 02/27/2010]
JCVD (2008) - 9/10
Smart film. Van Damme becomes vulnerable to the audience in a very conceptual way. Great plot and performance. [original tweet 02/28/2010]
Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2010)
6/10 - Unique pacing and structure. The plot is a bit too simple but the action is excellent. [original tweet 02/14/2010]
Assassination Games (2011)
6/10 - Great stuff (Van Damme's performance, fight scenes) mixed w/ average stuff (plot, overdone ending). [original tweet 10/30/2011]

AudioShocker Podcast #118 - Focus Groups

Published

nick marino

on February 16, 2010

in Podcast Episodes

. 14 Comments

AudioShocker Podcast #118 [ 33:51 ] Play Now | Download

The Holiday focus group, Lil Wayne's Rebirth, Gucci Mane, Mike Jones lost weight, Kevin Smith kicked off Southwest, Yale Cabaret's Missed Connections, Camron Diaz can't cry, Hero Tomorrow, Moon, Sherlock Holmes, JCVD in Universal Soldier: Regeneration, VIP, and more weirdness.

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #36 - The Poopcast

Published

nick marino

on February 10, 2010

in Podcast Episodes

. 8 Comments

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #36 [ 32:20 ] Play Now | Download

Ross and Nick share their finest poop stories in the one, the only... POOPCAST! Ross pees on his family, Nick poops in the pool, Ross poops at the airport, Nick likes a low toilet... especially in Ikea, strange library bathroom photos, Ross reveals a pooping secret and claims a turd, and Nicks squeezes a turd in London. Then, after the end theme, it's Mark's Van Damme trivia challenge and Ross complains about Bloodsport. NEXT WEEK: TMNTcast!!!

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #35 - The Book of Rachael

Published

nick marino

on February 3, 2010

in Podcast Episodes

. 16 Comments

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #35 [ 43:40 ] Play Now | Download

Unicorns, TalkShoe, Ross is ruining the AudioShocker, Nick really hates the 4thletter!, grammatic stylization, Pandorum, Dennis and Randy, JCVD, Ross loves Replicant, Daybreakers, Avatar nominations, long wait in Netflix queue, Book of Eli and Rachael Ray, pull list chopping, Hulk, and Bugles. Next week: the poopcast!!!