Tag Archive for ‘Dr. Strange’ at AudioShocker

9. Man-Thing. Aside from the obvious ridicule I’d endure from my friends for chilling with someone named Man-Thing, I don’t feel like “burning at the touch” of a weird swamp monster who can’t hold a conversation.

8. Luke Cage. Power Man used to be awesome but now he’s all into conspiracy theories and hiding out from “the man.” Hanging out with Cage nowadays means putting on disguises to buy hot dogs and running underground to eat them in a deserted subway tunnel.

7. Green Arrow. Aside from being obnoxious and preachy, Ollie Queen would be extreme rude to any attractive women in his vicinity. Then he’d insist on playing darts for money until I’m broke. Not my idea of fun.

6. Doctor Strange. Seemingly fresh at first, cute sayings like “by the hoary hordes of Haggoth!” would get really old really fast. I would end up telling Stephen Strange that his “hoary whore mouth of Haggoth better shut the fuck up!” before I put my foot in it.

5. Hawkgirl. Along with being uneasy about her wings and the giant mace, I wouldn’t be able to take her seriously in that bird mask. Then, if I asked her to take it off, Kendra would probably give me a line about how it’s her proud warrior garb and my request insults her.

4. Hank Pym. Something is bound to go wrong. If he’s not losing his mind and pretending to be a different bug, then he’s slapping his wife around or getting abducted by aliens. It’s not his fault he’s a writers’ punching bag, but that doesn’t mean I want to hang out with him.

3. Emma Frost. Seriously, what a bitch. The White Queen has the worst attitude in the entire Marvel Universe. She would whine about everything. The pizza’s not hot enough, the restaurant is too dirty, her ludicrous costume is riding up her crack, etc.

2. Havok. Alex Summers will ditch me halfway through our night to tell some woman he just met that he’s deeply in love with her and can’t live without her. He’ll stick me with the bill and run off to the southwest United States, where I won’t hear from him again for years. At least, that’s what he always does to the X-Men.

1. Cyclops. What’s worse than getting ditched by Alex Summers? Chilling with his brother Scott as he rants about “how hard it is to live life when I can’t relax for one moment because the smallest slip could result in my ruby quartz glasses falling off, causing my eyes to release powerful blasts of cosmic energy that could harm the people I love!”

Next: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Reflecting back on this recent miniseries from Marvel Comics, I’m fascinated by its underwhelming promotion and reception. Last Defenders was a smart, fun, and kinetic story that followed Nighthawk thru an introspective journey into modern superheroics. Kyle Richmond asked a lot of existential questions about his place in the universe and received a lot of answers in the form of temporal tampering via Yandroth, a time traveling superbaddie with a big chip on his quantum shoulder.

So what went wrong? I’m no expert, but I am an asshole. That’s why I’m only giving you reason nine thru five this week.

9. Was the art accessible enough? I found the story both brilliant and confusing. Jim Muniz, Cam Smith, and Antonio Fabela brought this journey to life in a sort of Ed McGuinness meets Duncan Rouleau way. The art was a big selling point for me, mostly because the stylized visuals took what could have been a painfully old school story and made it impossibly fresh. But was the art too stylized for this book’s demographic?

8. Was Last Defenders TOO old school? To say that this could have been “painfully old-school” is not a knock to Joe Casey or Keith Giffen. They both did a great job here, with Giffen co-writing the first few issues and Casey carrying the rest. The story pulls from the Defenders back catalog of adventures in an obsessive way that’s just as disorienting as it is fun. This comic was like a thesis statement on Defenders history, sprinkled with non-team team book irony.

Continue reading ‘The Top 9 Things That May Have Gone Wrong with Last Defenders – Part One’