Laser eyes versus lightning limbs!
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Tag Archive for 'Cyclops'
Ross Campbell loves X-Men: The Last Stand (the third one). Nick Marino loves X-Men (the first one). It's X-Men 1 vs. X-Men 3 in a movie debate battle royale (where the only REAL loser is X2: X-Men United). Will Nick be swayed by Ross' love for the top-grossing yet critically-panned third installment? Or will Ross be persuaded by Nick's passion for the groundbreaking yet visually-underwhelming first chapter? So much suspense! So many questions!! So many exclamation points!!! Also: Ross hates CG Patrick Stewart in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Nik Neptune puts a face to the name.
Ah, yes. I remember 1991 like it was yesterday...
Okay, not exactly like it was yesterday, but I still remember when those first few issues of X-Men came out. It was sweet.
I also remember finding hundreds of them strewn throughout backissue bins for the ensuing 18 or so years. Did Marvel Comics just overprint the issues or did people really wanted to forget X-Men #1-3 that bad?
Honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. Wednesday brought us X-Men Forever #1, a sort of revisionist X-Men #4 if you will. And here are the Top 9 things that Chris Claremont didn't write into X-Men Forever #1 (but he probably should have!):
9. Professor X renounces his mission of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants to pursue a career as a tranny stripper. Really, what's more popular these days than strippers? If you ask T-Pain, the answer would be: "Nothing!" To top it off, Charlie could also be a closet transvestite. So would all this make him the first tranny stripper in a floating wheelchair? The world may never know. Way to drop the ball on this one, Claremont.
8. Kitty Pryde confesses that she's in a sexual relationship with Lockheed. There's nothing very shocking about being gay nowadays. Stories have been there, done that. So the only truly shocking sexual plot twist left is the admission of inter-species and/or bestiality love. Luckily, Kitty would admit both of those when she owns up to getting it on with her pet dragon from outer space.
7. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus a face lift. While this isn't truly shocking, it does make for a fascinating use of Magnetio's metal-bending abilities. It would go down like this: Piotr turns to metal, Mags gives him a little surgical tweak to tighten up the cheeks and blend away those pesky laugh lines, and then it's like Colossus is 10 years younger. Ahh, if only we could all be made out of metal... isn't that right, Ashlee Simpson?
6. Cassandra Nova moves into the X-Mansion disguised as a sexy nurse. Chris Claremont, deciding to combine two character concepts into one, tells his version of the Cassandra Nova story. But his Cassie Nova is mashed up with Nurse Annie from Chuck Austen's run on X-Men. Sexy Nurse Cassie begins a tumultuous relationship with Beast and decides that the new Sentinel invasion should feature furry mutant-killing robots in honor of her soon-to-be-deceased lover.
5. Professor X opens Xavier's School for the Un-Gifted. Growing dissatisfied with his preoccupation with the elitist concept of "gifted," Chuck decides to expand his mind and open his mansion doors to any and all interested students. Sooner than later, Xavier's school becomes just like any other poorly managed public high school. Within three months, Polaris has to check every student on their way in to see if they're carrying any guns or knives. (Hahahaha... it would be like Dangerous Minds starring Prof X! Get it? "Dangerous Minds"!!!)
4. Wolverine gets a Brazilian waxing. Yeah, he knows that the hair would only be gone for one night. But Logan has a secret date with Jean Grey and he's got to make sure that he's smooth like butter.
3. Sabretooth gets a Brazilian AND a manicure. Chasing after his mortal enemy, Victor Creed winds up inside the same beauty spa as Wolvie. Upon entering, he decides that his impending reunion date with Mystique would go a whole lot better if he was smoothed down and trimmed up. Imagine a great double page spread of Victor and Logan getting massages as they lay next to each other, giggling uncontrollably. That would be groundbreaking stuff right there.
2. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus that extra length he's been seeking. Inundated by spam emails telling him that his dong needs to be longer if he wants to get in with the ladies, Piotr asks his Asteroid M director to stretch his member out a little bit. Excited with the promising results, Colossus quickly returns to Earth to share the goods with Kitty, only to find that his "Katya" is doing the nasty with a small purple alien dragon.
1. Jean Grey gets caught cheating on Cyclops thanks to Joey Greco and Cheaters. It's a dark night at the Salem Center harbor. Scott Summers meets up outside with Joey Greco after receiving a phone call that private investigators have finally gotten the evidence they need to prove that Jean Grey is in fact cheating on him with another mutant. Scott watches the small hand-held video player and cringes. He knows who Jean is cheating on him with - that goddamn Logan. Scott and the camera crew of Cheaters quickly head to Professor Xavier's yacht, currently docked at Pier 4. Scott charges onto the boat and confronts the scandalous lovers on their secret date. After getting up in Wolvie's face, Logan's adamantium-laced fist connects with Scott's jaw and sends Cyclops to the ground. Joey Greco picks up where Scott left off, confronting Wolvie about his infidelity with Jean. Pissed, Wolverine does what he does best and stabs Joey Greco in the gut. Two weeks later, Cyclops watches the episode on TV and promptly creates a profile on NoCheatersDate.com.
More: The Top 9 Greatest X-Men Pencilers of All Time
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
Even that can't make up for what you did to us, Halle.
This post is a response to last week's Top 9 Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films. That list was the "glass is half full" to this post's "the glass is half empty."
It's important to note that this is our first community-created Top 9 list. If you want to get in on the action for the next Top 9 post, nominate you ideas below in the comments and we'll get to it.
Honorable mention to George Clooney (Bats), Chris O'Donnell (the Boy Wonder), and Alicia Silverstone (She-Bats) from Batman & Robin. You three sucked so much that everybody knows it, thus making your appearance on this list completely unnecessary.
9. James Marsden as Cyclops. Cyke has been a lot of things in his career, but he's never been a more of a dick than when James Marsden played him on the big screen. Jimmy tried so damn hard to be a good Scott Summers, but he sucked. He sucked so much, in fact, that the filmmakers decided to kill the character off. That's some serious sucking.
8. Jim Carrey as Riddler. I think it's the skintight suit and the jazz hands that really seal the deal on this one. Carrey almost sold me at first as Edward Nigma, but the honeymoon faded fast when he slipped into supervillainy and proceeded to give me a headache as the Riddler.
7. Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. Vinnie made a strong case for topping this list, if not for his classic "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" line. At least he gave us something to laugh at while he was stinking up the house. The entirety X-Men: The Last Stand could fill up this blog post, but let's just say that Vinnie's carrying the torch for that whole piece of shit.
6. Christian Bale as Batman. It's the voice, really. I mean, the guy isn't terrible as Bruce Wayne. But his Batman is so annoying and husky that it negates any good performance by his alter ego. Plus, he's annoyed me in two different movies as Batman. That's gotta count for something.
5. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. Damn it, Uma! You're supposed to be better than this!!! Yeah, we expected pure shit from Clooney, O'Donnell, and Silverstone in Batman & Robin... but not from you! You're the classy one. Fucking hell, Uma, even Schwarzenegger made you look bad.
4. David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury. Have you seen this made-for-TV movie? Probably not. So trust me on this one: you DON'T want to see it. Yeah, it's that bad. I promise.
3. Ben Affleck as Daredevil. Matt Murdock was blinded as a child, his father was murdered by the mob, his career was ruined by the man who also destroyed him physically, his drug addicted and deadly girlfriends have been murdered by the same man, and he's even been impersonated by another hero best known for doing roundhouse kicks in his slippers... but none of this could ever compare to the shame Daredevil felt when he was portrayed by Ben Affleck on the big screen.
2. Matt Salinger as Captain America. This one falls into the same category as Hasselhoff - you probably haven't seen it and you probably shouldn't. I saw this film as a child, and for years I had to silently work thru the emotional trauma of watching Salinger fill out Cap's threads.
1. Halle Berry as Storm AND Catwoman. An actor so nice we hate on her twice! It's not everyday that you get to royally suck as not one BUT two blockbuster superheroes. Add to it that these two characters span four different films and we've got ourselves a WORST winner! Meow!!!
More: The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury.
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
This wallpaper is a tribute to four of the finest "special heroes" available in Marvel vs. Capcom. Granted, these characters are all playable in other Capcom fighters, but I find them to be more memorable for their "helper" abilities. Psylocke has that awesome battering ram move, Cyke shoots his eye beams, Iceman has the excellent "ice falling from the sky!" move, and Rogue has some hefty uppercut action.
Marvel vs. Capcom Wallpaper - Download Full-Size 1440 x 900
Thanks again to The Fighter's Generation for the Capcom drawings, and be back here next Monday for another Hyper Combo Wallpaper!!!
(P.S. Yeah, I flipped Betsy, so her tattoo is on the wrong side... SORRY!)
Okay, first, let's set the ground rules. X-Men: Children of the Atom can't be considered in the running. It's too hard to find, and in all my years of love for Capcom fighting games I've never had the chance to play it. Also stricken from the record is Marvel vs. Capcom 2. I know I'll hear a lot of whining about that, but here's why it's off the list - the playability sucks. The designers spent too much time on character sprites and not enough time on defined playability. Characters may look good, but they only have a fraction of the moves that characters have in the other Marvel fighting games. Therefore, I will allow Marvel Super Heroes, X-Men vs. Street Fighter, Marvel vs. Street Fighter, and Marvel vs. Capcom.
9. Blackheart - Yeah, Ghost Rider was popular in the late 90s, but Blackheart!?! Along with Shuma-Gorath, Blackheart was a bizarre choice for a baddie. Still, his playability is awesome, with excellent long range attacks and a few really great specials.
8. Cyclops - Personally, I think Cyke is a natural for a fighting game. He's got big power and he's also a scrapper. His eyebeams make him a great long range character, while his kicks make him a strong close range fighter. The only flaw is that he doesn't have more variations in his eyebeam moves.
7. Gambit - In the Capcom series, Gambit is one of your all purpose agile characters, contrasting especially well with with Jin and Strider Hiryu in Marvel vs.Capcom. Gambit has great power moves, like when he smashes your face in with his staff or charges you up to throw you. And his specials are huge.
6. Spider-Man - Spidey is another one of your all purpose agile fighters, with even greater speed and damage hits than Gambit. I like to use Spidey when I've been beat a few times in a row by an opponent. Bringing Spidey out and landing lots of fast, close range hits is especially demoralizing to a challenger.
5. Wolverine - While Spidey does have great speed and close range attacks, Wolvie has the capability to utterly devastate another player when you're in a bind. His charging moves are especially powerful, and his speed can do irreparable damage in a short space of time.
4. Hulk - Big hits. That's what Hulk does best. Often, he accepts far more damage than smaller characters like Wolvie and Spidey, which can be frustrating. But when Hulk lands his hits, the battle is decisive and it ends fast. His specials are decent, but his regular kicks and punches have tremendous power.
3. War Machine - Rhodey is the replacement for Iron Man in the later Marvel fighting games. While they are basically the same character, War Machine has a few extra moves that make him superior. But even beyond that, his playability is fantastic, with wonderful long range projectile attacks, solid close range strikes, and tremendous specials. Plus, the SFX make a little metal noise when he gets hit. How cool is that?
2. Captain America - Okay, Cap has next to no long range attacks. He's not a well rounded character by any means. But he is by far the best close range fighter, mixing agility with strong basic moves. He's not as fast as Spidey or Wolvie, but his hits tend to land better and with greater effect. His specials are solid, and his power moves are always dependable. Plus, it's demoralizing to an opponent to lose to Cap because he doesn't have all the fancy projectiles or flashy power moves.
1. Juggernaut - An odd choice for the top of the list, but well deserving. Juggs has the hit presence of the Hulk, but with greater speed and agility. His blocks are far more dependable than the Jade Giant or Zangief (the other big brawler characters). And his specials always wreck an opponent. To top it off, Juggy is a wonderful character even in assist mode (as a "sepcial hero"). Overall, he's the biggest bang-for-your-buck in Marvel fighting games made by Capcom.
Next: The Top 9 Fighting Games!
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
9. Man-Thing. Aside from the obvious ridicule I'd endure from my friends for chilling with someone named Man-Thing, I don't feel like "burning at the touch" of a weird swamp monster who can't hold a conversation.
8. Luke Cage. Power Man used to be awesome but now he's all into conspiracy theories and hiding out from "the man." Hanging out with Cage nowadays means putting on disguises to buy hot dogs and running underground to eat them in a deserted subway tunnel.
7. Green Arrow. Aside from being obnoxious and preachy, Ollie Queen would be extreme rude to any attractive women in his vicinity. Then he'd insist on playing darts for money until I'm broke. Not my idea of fun.
6. Doctor Strange. Seemingly fresh at first, cute sayings like "by the hoary hordes of Haggoth!" would get really old really fast. I would end up telling Stephen Strange that his "hoary whore mouth of Haggoth better shut the fuck up!" before I put my foot in it.
5. Hawkgirl. Along with being uneasy about her wings and the giant mace, I wouldn't be able to take her seriously in that bird mask. Then, if I asked her to take it off, Kendra would probably give me a line about how it's her proud warrior garb and my request insults her.
4. Hank Pym. Something is bound to go wrong. If he's not losing his mind and pretending to be a different bug, then he's slapping his wife around or getting abducted by aliens. It's not his fault he's a writers' punching bag, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with him.
3. Emma Frost. Seriously, what a bitch. The White Queen has the worst attitude in the entire Marvel Universe. She would whine about everything. The pizza's not hot enough, the restaurant is too dirty, her ludicrous costume is riding up her crack, etc.
2. Havok. Alex Summers will ditch me halfway through our night to tell some woman he just met that he's deeply in love with her and can't live without her. He'll stick me with the bill and run off to the southwest United States, where I won't hear from him again for years. At least, that's what he always does to the X-Men.
1. Cyclops. What's worse than getting ditched by Alex Summers? Chilling with his brother Scott as he rants about "how hard it is to live life when I can't relax for one moment because the smallest slip could result in my ruby quartz glasses falling off, causing my eyes to release powerful blasts of cosmic energy that could harm the people I love!"
Next: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With!
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.
Talking about Sifu Kisu, rosin vs. resin, Michael Turner art, Iron Man, Tony Stark, Obadiah Stane, School Daze, Horton Hears a Who, Captain America as a Communist, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, Dummy, One Missed Call, Free Comic Book Day 2008, Cyclops in The Castro with no shirt on, fancy cheeses, funny nipple stories, creepy Miley Cyrus pictures, South Park WGA episode, how hookers got the name hookers, The Riches, Mighty Avengers #13, Avengers / Invaders #1, Invincible Iron Man #1, Young X-Men #2, and of course we got more.
I’ve been having a running conversation with a friend about the current state of the X-Men. Hell, I’ve even been sharing my theory online with non-receptive comic book fans on message boards (known as “fanboys” by some and “trolls” by others – I prefer straight up “fans”). And the more I think about it, the more I wonder:
When did the X-Men go from optimism to extinction?
Evolution has always been a part of X-Men comics. The very X-Men concept itself beleaguers the notion of human growth. And while extinction is a reality of evolution in some respects, the gloomy concept of fading legacy has become the dominant reality of the X-Universe.
What initially attracted me to the X-Men was their enormous spirit of optimism in the face of adversity. If you’re reading any X-books nowadays, you’ll know that the adversity is still there… only the optimism seems completely gone.
Take Professor Charles Xavier, for example. He’s the founder of the X-Men and leader for long stretches throughout team history. Lately, his main role has been that of secret sinner. Writers seem to have fun writing Charles as the ideological champion with serious things to hide. This was interesting the first time. Now it’s tired. Let the guy be a hero. What’s so wrong with that?
Cyclops was always the stiff guy that made tough choices with the best of intentions. Now he’s sending former X-Men off on covert killing missions and justifying his preemptive strikes as reasonable behavior in the name of security. What? George W. Cyclops. Right.
Oddly enough, the only character that seems too good to be true lately is Wolverine. He’s transformed from an unpredictable violent killer into a handsome sage with murder in his past (and present). It’s not a bad move, but it is odd.
Storm was once an inspirational force of nature among the X-Men. Now she’s relegated to a minor supporting role in the X-books. She’s seems like she’s around just to keep up appearances more that anything. She really needs to move up to the big leagues now. Marvel ought to make her an Avenger and call it a day.
Beast was once a bouncy scientist with a playful spirit. Now he’s digging through mass mutant graves and making deals with murderers to try and genetically engineer a cure for mutant extinction. Say what? It’s like some weird apocalyptic reality that only seems to affect mutants.
I’m not asking for anything to revert or change back to the way it once was. What I desire, however, is a sense of hope to emanate from the tales of the X-Men. After all, it was X-Men comic books that taught me tolerance, appreciation, and the value of forging a family made of your closest friends. What do they teach now? How to spend your final days with a deadly vendetta?
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