ArchivePage 3 of 89
All I gotta say is, “Sorry Scotty, I disagree.”
9. José Luis Pardo
8. Dennis Coffey
7. Roger Troutman
6. Ray Parker, Jr.
5. Ron Wood
4. Ernie Isley
3. Eddie Van Halen
2. Steve Cropper
1. Jimi Hendrix
Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = SWEET RIFF, DUDE!
- Bloodsport (1988) – 10/10 – Not only a great role for Van Damme, but also an amazing martial arts film. Classic.
- Cyborg (1989) – 1/10 – Interesting idea but completely unwatchable. Even Jean-Claude is a dud here. Maybe his worst performance.
- Kickboxer (1989) – 9/10 – ALMOST as good as Bloodsport, which means this is really good. Van Damme’s performance might be his best.
- Lionheart (1990) – 8/10 – An excellent film, though the story drags here and there. Some of Jean-Claude’s best fights caught on film.
- Death Warrant (1990) – 4/10 – It’s watchable, just not enjoyable. Jean-Claude turns in a decent performance, but the editing is awful.
- Double Impact (1991) – 5/10 – Tons of fun, but kind of lame at the same time. Van Damme must have been taxed by the dual role.
- Universal Soldier (1992) – 5/10 – Not good, not bad. This film sort of sits squarely in the middle of Van Damme’s filmography.
- Nowhere to Run (1993) – 8/10 – Unexpectedly good. More folksy than Van Damme’s other flicks and propped up by strong storytelling.
- Hard Target (1993) – 4/10 – Jean-Claude is good but the whole thing is so hokey. It’s John Woo to the max… no, actually, maxed out.
- Timecop (1994) – 7/10 – Makes no sense by the end, but I’m a sucker for kickass sci-fi and time travel. Plus, Van Damme is solid here.
- Street Fighter (1994) – 5/10 – Overall, this is a lot better than its reputation. A good film but kind of weak acting by Van Damme.
- Sudden Death (1995) – 6/10 – “Die Hard in a hockey arena” is too long and overdone, but still very good. Great Van Damme acting.
- Maximum Risk (1996) – 8/10 – Definitely Van Damme’s most traditional “thriller” to date. He does a great job and the film is solid.
- The Quest (1996) – 6/10 – It has issues, but Van Damme’s directorial debut works well in a strange way, especially during the fights.
- Double Team (1997) – 1/10 – I love the fact that this movie even exists… But, unfortunately, it’s pretty much unwatchable.
- Knock Off (1998) – 2/10 – It pains me to say that this Jean-Claude Van Damme / Rob Schneider team-up totally sucks. Funny idea though.
- Legionnaire (1998) – 3/10 – Put simply: This historical epic showcases good acting by Van Damme. But it still blows.
- Desert Heat (1999) – 6/10 – I was unimpressed at first, but fond memories of Van Damme’s interesting role in this film stuck with me.
- Universal Solider: The Return (1999) – 2/10 – It’s so bad!!! Arrgghhh! I can’t take it! Make the pain stop, Van Damme, make it stop!
- Replicant (2001) – 5/10 – Jean-Claude returns to his habit of dual roles in ridiculous form. Watch this only for unintentional laughs.
- The Order (2001) – 3/10 – Not bad, per se… But not good either. The Charlton Heston appearance is the only memorable moment.
- Derailed (2002) – 5/10 – Despite providing fodder for Van Damme critics, this b-movie is more fun than many of his fancier flicks.
- In Hell (2003) – 8/10 – Morbid and engaging, Jean-Claude is at his most intense since Bloodsport… only far more emotionally complex.
- Wake of Death (2004) – 4/10 – Van Damme’s acting is especially strong and emotional, but the plot lacks. That drags this one down.
- Second in Command (2006) – 6/10 – A surprisingly enjoyable and well-crafted movie. Van Damme’s decent but the story shines brighter.
- The Hard Corps (2006) – 5/10 – Goofy and drawn out, yet still tons of fun. The plot is convoluted but the characters are charismatic.
- Until Death (2007) – 7/10 – This odd, sick plot turns highly entertaining when combined with Van Damme’s performance. A great role for JCVD.
- The Shepard (2008) – 7/10 – An average film boosted by excellent fight choreography and the quirkiness of Van Damme’s character.
- JCVD (2008) – 9/10 – Smart film. Van Damme becomes vulnerable to the audience in a very conceptual way. Great plot and performance.
- Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2010) – 6/10 – Unique pacing and structure. The plot is a bit too simple but the action is excellent.
As of tomorrow, the AudioShocker Twitter feed will say goodbye to #JCVD until his next film because we’ll be done tweeting reviews of his entire catalog! Keep an eye on this space tomorrow, where we’ll have a master list of all our Jean-Claude Van Damme Tweeviews.
And starting on March 1st: A YEAR OF ELECTRIC BLUE BEGINS! I’ll be tweeting a new Superman comic book review everyday for the next couple months, focusing on the year (1997-1998) when the Man of Steel gained a new look and new powers. The naming system for the reviews will follow the “triangle numbers” because that’s the reading order of the issues.
Now on with the tweets!
- Until Death (2007) – 7/10 – This odd, sick plot turns highly entertaining when combined with Van Damme’s performance. A great role for #JCVD 11:10 AM Feb 26th
- Donatello: The Brain Thief #4 – 8/10 – Lawson’s final issue is the best. A near-silent display of solid storytelling with a twisted ending. 11:43 AM Feb 25th
- Second in Command (2006) – 6/10 – A surprisingly enjoyable and well-crafted movie. Van Damme’s decent but the story shines brighter. #JCVD 11:10 AM Feb 24th
- Culturology is coming down with a case of March Madness! Next month, sixteen of our favorites will face off in a Tournament Movie Tournament 12:53 PM Feb 23rd
- Donatello: The Brain Thief #3 – 7/10 – The art excels in the close ups. The action picks up and sets the tone for the rest of the story. 11:35 AM Feb 23rd
- Wake of Death (2004) – 4/10 – Van Damme’s acting is especially strong and emotional, but the plot lacks. That drags this one down. #JCVD 11:10 AM Feb 22nd
- Donatello: The Brain Thief #2 – 5/10 – Depicts a creepy, methodical title character. Good issue overall but lacks the charm of the others. 4:10 PM Feb 21st
- In Hell (2003) – 8/10 – Morbid and engaging, Jean-Claude is at his most intense since Bloodsport… only far more emotionally complex. #JCVD 11:10 AM Feb 21st
- Donatello: The Brain Thief #1 – 6/10 – Good establishing issue, showing the latest Baxter as an organic machine. Both minimal and thrilling. 11:10 PM Feb 20th
Here at Culturology, Nick and I are getting a jump on the NCAA’s upcoming March Madness by hosting a tournament of our own. What better kind of tournament than a tournament tournament? So check out the bracket below (click to enlarge) and make your choices! Then tune in next week to see how the first round plays out.
The ROUND ONE contenders:
Battle Creek Brawl: They tried to make Jackie Chan famous right after his brief appearance in Enter the Dragon. Despite flashes of his amazing charisma, it would take another decade after this movie for Chan to make it big (as big as Billy Kiss from Pittsburgh).
Best of the Best: Eric Roberts leads a team of American characters in a charge against a superior Korean Taekwondo team.
Bloodfist: Low budget fighting in the Philippines that spawned eight sequels — more than any other movie on this list. With Billy Blanks!
Bloodsport: Jean-Claude Van Damme in the role that he never bettered, in his first and best movie. The clear favorite in the tournament.
Bronson Lee, Champion: What do you get if you cross Charles Bronson and Bruce Lee? A motherfucking champion, that’s what.
DOA: Dead or Alive: Like Enter the Dragon, but with volleyball.
Enter the Dragon: The original. But is it the best?
The Karate Kid: One of the truly classic tournament movies, even if it’s not as intense as the more adult fare of Bloodsport or Enter the Dragon. But can 1984’s favorite plucky New Jerseyite win a whole tournament tournament in 2010?
The Karate Kid, part III: The oft-overlooked final chapter of the original Karate Kid trilogy. Most people think it went right from KK II to The Next Karate Kid, but first the Karate Kid and Mr. Miyagi had to take on some seriously menacing Vietnam veterans.
Mortal Kombat: The entirely watchable first foray into franchising the iconic video game into a filmic empire. One of the many Enter the Dragon homages in the tournament. With Christopher Lambert!
Never Back Down: Karate Kid, reinvented for douchebags in the 21st century.
Over the Top: Sylvester Stallone never speaks above a whisper (he must have been really tired when they filmed this) in this B-movie, truck-driving, arm-wrestling, father-son-bonding classic.
The Quest: Jean-Claude Van Damme is a street fighting stilt mime scamp (possibly some sort of weird child labor offender… or fetishist), forced to escape New York City and stow away on a cargo boat, where he proceeds to get caught, get saved, and get sold into martial arts slavery in Thailand. Also directed by JCVD.
The Quick and the Dead: Sam Raimi’s dolly zoom wild west classic. Gene Hackman, Sharon Stone, a young Leonardo DiCaprio, and guns! What more could a tournament movie need?
Redbelt: David Mamet loves MMA. Who would’ve guessed? Clearly the artsy-fartsiest of the movies in the tournament.
Sidekicks: A very special vanity project for Chuck Norris, but is he really in this movie, or just a figment of our overactive imaginations?
That’s the list! So now go, download the ROUND ONE bracket, and play along to see if your picks move onto ROUND TWO next Friday!
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I feel like Yun and Felicia would make a great couple in some sort of bizarre Capcom inhabited reality. Too bad they’re busy fighting to the death in Hyper Combo Wallpaper! Next Friday, enter month two of our Capcom Fighting Evolution feature.
Ross and Nick air their 2007 TMNT animated movie grievances (and some more 2003 4kids cartoon ones), what is Michelangelo’s character?, is everybody’s favorite Donatello?, Donatello: The Brain Thief and the other Lawson TMNT minis. NEXT: The Turlecast, pt 3 featuring the TMNT video games, the live-action show, and more comics.
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