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The Top 9 Celebrity Deaths of the Past Couple Months

9. Dom DeLuise. R.I.P. Pizza the Hutt.

8. Bob Bogle. I’m sure most of you aren’t familiar with him, but Bob Bogle has been one of my guitar heroes for as long as I can remember. He was a founder of The Ventures, the world’s greatest instrumental rock band.

7. Natasha Richardson. Speaking of not being familiar, I don’t think I’ve seen any of Natasha’s films. Unfortunately, thanks to the way news media works in this country, I’m very familiar with her death.

6. Mike Tyson’s daughter. Exodus Tyson was strangled by a loose cord hanging down from a treadmill. Very sad.

5. Autotune. Killed by Jay-Z. Autotune’s death has been hitting the pop music world pretty hard, especially T-Pain.

4. Ed McMahon. Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show sideman. Star Search host. Publishers Clearing House home sabotage ringleader and over-sized check presenter. Damn, Ed did a lot of stuff.

3. Farah Fawcett. Charlie’s most famous Angel died after a very public fight with cancer.

2. David Carradine. Kill Bill died an awful, kinky death. It’s true that Carradine was into some weird shit, but it looks like he was able to keep most of it under the radar until his untimely passing in a Bangkok hotel room. At first it looked like suicide and/or solo sex play gone wrong, but now it seems like foul play.

1. Michael Jackson. Mikey was the man. A weird man, yes… but THE MAN nonetheless. It’ll be interesting to see what the public deems his legacy to be over the course of the next couple decades.

[Thanks to Neal for inspiring this week's theme and helping put together the list.]

More: The Top 9 Currently Dead Superheroes and Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

WTF Happended to Vincent Gallo?

Just a passing thought – but am I the only person who thought Buffalo 66 was great and that Gallo would go on to do other great movies? I mean, if Lyle Lovett and Tom Waits could do it, certainly a lanky ass bearded proto-hipster could. And, he even cast Mickey Rourke back when no one gave a crap about him.

Or not. I only got about 10 minutes into The Brown Bunny before someone asked me to do something and I got sidetracked, but as I recall, Chloe Sevigny gives him a hummer onscreen. And the general media was mortified. I don’t know what went wrong, perhaps it was one hit wonderdom, or maybe homeboy should stick to being a rocker. I’m not sure, but I know homeboy has another good movie in him.

Buffalo 66 took a while to get started but it built to a great ending. Today’s loser/slacker comedies are heavy on slapstick and breakneck pacing: Airplane! to the extreme. Perhaps another Gallo film would help us remember how great it is to have a beat in between laughs. The world isn’t some witty Xkcd panel or an episode of The Office. Not everything has to be mile a minute laughs.

Anyway, just thought I’d share that.

Super Haters #1 – Meet the Haters

Meet the Haters

Thanks to Seth Fronzoli for helping me give Destruct-O-Tron his name. Thanks to Neal for co-writing and performing the Super Haters theme song with me (you can listen to the theme song below!).

 
 Super Haters theme song [0:25m]: Play Now | Download

John Legend, My Sister, and His Unleased Pooch in Chronicles of the Air Yeezy

This happened on Father’s Day. My brother, mom, and I all drove in to see my sister who was in NYC (from DC) for work. Pops would join us later after he handled some business back in the Elm city. Anyway, we went downtown to the Grand Tribeca, got some coffee, and hung out with big sis until it was time to leave and meet up with pops.

The elevator opens up and bam – a freaking dog. no leash, no shame, just a big old fatass dog. To his left, hot babe, and to his right, some dude in sunglasses slanking against the glass. Tight squeeze, but we all shuffle in. I’m bored so I just stare straight ahead while homie cracks jokes about being unable to control the dog.

The actual picture my sister took is somewhere on her phone - and of the back of them. hardly worth posting.

My sister took an actual picture and all, but it's from the back, poorly lit, etc.

Ground floor. Dog and handlers leave while my fam and I stroll out. My sister waits a beat, then whips around and says, “do you know who what was?!” me: “no?” “that was definitely John Legend!!” The doorman confirms, but I’m still skeptical. We creep outside so big sis can have her starstruck moment and witness an unfettered poochface and his model mommy un into traffic and nearly get creamed. Convincing? Almost. Few people other than famous / rich people allow their pets to run free all over a major city like NYC. Then, I spy the most damning of proof: his air-freaking-yeezies. If that isn’t proof positive of celebrity and thus identity – well, I’m not sure what is.

Anyway. I’m not a big fan of Legend’s music, but celebsightings are always neat. I beleive he is playing at Foxwoods or the other CT Casino in August with India.Arie.

A Podcast with Ross and Nick 003 – X-Men Movies Debated!!!

Ross Campbell loves X-Men: The Last Stand (the third one). Nick Marino loves X-Men (the first one). It’s X-Men 1 vs. X-Men 3 in a movie debate battle royale (where the only REAL loser is X2: X-Men United). Will Nick be swayed by Ross’ love for the top-grossing yet critically-panned third installment? Or will Ross be persuaded by Nick’s passion for the groundbreaking yet visually-underwhelming first chapter? So much suspense! So many questions!! So many exclamation points!!! Also: Ross hates CG Patrick Stewart in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Nik Neptune puts a face to the name.

 
 A Podcast with Ross and Nick #3 [31:25m]: Play Now | Download

Podcast Episode 085 – The Death of Transporting Ballistic Fanboys

Nick is not feeling Fanboys, Neal is not feeling Transporter 3, Lil Flip raps about Kim Kardashian while Hurricane Chris raps about Halle Berry, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever sucks, Nick is listening to a lot of video game music from vgmusic.com (Contra is the best), the guys reminisce about watching Booker T. play live, Death of Autotune prompts Nick to serenade Neal with Believe (you know, by Cher), the guys wanna know what happened to Alia Shawkat, and Nick talks about Captain America #600 (new) and Iron Man #182 (old).

 
 AudioShocker Podcast #85 [46:22m]: Play Now | Download

Culturology 035 – Demographic Disposition and Bland Comedy

Having received several quasi-favorable reviews–not high praise exactly, but admissions of funniness–from a couple of reliable sources, I went ahead over the weekend and went out to see The Hangover, to see what all the fuss was about. Given that the movie’s already been in theaters for three weeks, there’s not a whole lot I can say here that hasn’t already been said, but it was kind of funny. But it was also clear why the thing has been so popular, since it’s not not-funny either.

Maybe it’s an age thing, once again. I’m in the closing months of my mid-20s, soon to be embarking on my late-20s, and more and more I find this to be an awkward age. I probably sit at about the median age of my social circles, but that means that a fair number of people that I see socially on a regular basis are already in their 30s (mostly in their early-30s, but a few are in their mid-30s). I bring this up because of a certain logic that seems to exist in comedy movies, that movies about high school are written for a pre-teen audience (though the raunchy subset of high school movies finds a broader audience, I suppose), movies about college for a high school audience, movies about twentysomethings capering about (Saving Silverman, maybe?) for college students, and movies about thirtysomethings written for twentysomethings. So, by only several minutes into The Hangover, I found myself thinking “wow! I can’t wait ’til I’m in my mid-to-late thirties!”.

If this age-based thing seems too general, or off base, it’s also further complicated by The Hangover’s simultaneous existence as a caper comedy and as a Vegas movie at the same time. It may well, in fact, just be the fact that it takes place in Las Vegas that this movie is successful at all (how could a combination of Dude, Where’s My Car? and Very Bad Things succeed otherwise?). Given that some many of its jokes seem so familiar, the thing won’t age well, but then again, that’s not really the point, I suppose. Comedy-for-the-ages is a different beast than comedies-that-make-hundreds-of-millions-of-dollars (or even of less immoderate success). Take, for instance, Something About Mary and Kingpin, from all the way back in the ’90s: Mary seemed like the ground-breaking movie at the time, as the culmination of the ’90s gross-out movement, and made more money (I’d imagine), but Kingpin was the movie built to last–Bill Murray’s comb-over alone will maintain this movie for centuries to come (not to mention possibly the best groin-hit (between Harrelson and the two baddies) of all time). I could rattle off a massive list of classic comedies but there’s no real point to it; I’m fairly confidant that the trends would point to aspects of quality rather than quantity of viewers.

Crank 2 was way funnier than The Hangover. Very different types of movies, admittedly, but the comparison can be made since The Hangover definitely went for the still-new “this is awesome” model of movie-making. Except that very little of its concepts were particularly awesome, and the thing was quite slackly-paced. The pacing issue probably has to do with it being a Vegas movie, where the director, one assumes, is compelled to lovingly film all those beautiful hotel rooms and hallways and scenic vistas blah blah blah. As usual, with popular things like this, part of me hopes that it leads some minority of its viewers towards actually good things, but that probably isn’t the case with this. Giggle! “So many crazy things happen in Las Vegas OMG!”

The only other point I want to bring up, dealing again with this movie’s placement in the canon of all comedies ever, has to do with Zach Galifinakis’s role. Dude’s been doing the awkward-comic thing for a while now, to decent effect (anyone else remember his turn in Out Cold? I sure do). Owes something to Andy Kaufmann, I’d assume. And he does pretty well steal most of the scenes he’s in–though, that’s not much of a feat when you’re competing against Ed Helms and some other douchebag. But awkward comedy is easy, especially for a mainstream audience, since it would seem much newer to them. Why? Because comedy is all about timing (for the best-timed joke in the history of movies, see the “It’s Enrico Pallazzo!” gag from the first Naked Gun movie), and awkward comedy is based in disrupting that timing. I can’t think of many things that I appreciate more than a well-timed joke (there were a couple decently timed gags in The Hangover but not many), and this can also appreciate blatant disregard for anti-timing, but in a movie where things more or less just move forward and jokes come and go, the awkward thing gets really boring.

And I guess that’s why I tried to warn myself off of writing about this movie, since it was doomed to boil down to “popular movies are boring,” which, while true, also leads to the similar aphorism that “elitists are annoying.”

Pete Can’t Believe He Hasn’t Read This By Now #4: William Faulkner’s Sartoris

I’m not sure by what this book should be hailed. It’s Faulkner’s third novel, and the first dealing with Yoknapatawpha County and its residents, but not first “major” novel overstates the case. The thing definitely shows signs of Faulkner having not quite his stride as a serious writer. But, given that it’s the first of the whole spate of amazing novels that defined and developed Faulkner’s primary literary universe, it’s an important work. I don’t know why I hadn’t read it by now; I guess because it isn’t as good as the sequence of amazing novels that followed it. In that regard, I tended to think of it as his first novel as I read it. Similar to reading Kundera’s The Joke last week, I’ve found it quite rewarding to go back and read the earliest novel of a writer whose later works I enjoy quite a bit.

Pretty much every summer, going back to my sophomore year of college, I’ve gotten this urge to read Faulkner. Something about the humidity maybe, draws me towards his descriptions of Mississippi. So it was only a matter of time before I got around to reading Sartoris. Reading one or two Faulkner novels a summer for eight summers in a row gets you there eventually. The plotting (really, the lack of plotting) in Sartoris once again matched the pace of my summer to this point, moving slowly, with not all that much happening. Given the amount of story that followed this book, though, its not surprising that its 300 pages take such a broad view and move so slowly, since Faulkner, here, is already trying to build so much of his imaginary world.

It’s interesting to me as well that, reading it after so many of the other Yoknapatawpha novels, this book didn’t feel like a “prequel” at all–that has something to do with the timelessness of Faulkner’s story-telling, and the sort of shifts in time that take place in those other works. Given that, what makes it seem earlier is really in the craft.

Particularly disconcerting is Faulkner’s treatment of African-American characters, often resorting unnecessarily to broad-strokes and racist stereotypes (an issue that he had corrected (at least to some extent) in his later works). I think most of us white middle-class readers are taught how to deal with this sort of stereotype-laden writing in Junior High, when we read Mark Twain, and are taught to ignore the “n-word” and consider it part of the social tapestry or whatever. But that’s not really satisfactory. Produces a lot of white liberal awkwardness, if nothing else. What’s strange here is that many of the black characters are well-developed, embark upon sub-plots and are treated fairly and humanely. Faulkner resorts to stereotype mostly in the background; in sentences that were either never written or edited out of later novels, or at the very least presented more complicatedly. Writing the novels about the South, especially during a timespan between the Civil War and The Great Depression, from the perspective that he had, Faulkner’s racism–or the racism in his characters–is generally present in all his works, but complicatedly so; in Sartoris its not complicated at all, but at least the reader can take to heart that it eventually will be (if never completely satisfyingly so).

For July 6th: Toby Barlow’s Sharp Teeth

War Machine What If? Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

What if War Machine kicked your ass?

Ye olde fist of War Machine is coming at cha, baby!

DOWNLOAD WALLPAPER :: 1280 X 1024 :: 1440 X 900 :: 1600 X 1200

Obviously I have some sort of weird addiction to War Machine. He’s in about 50% of all the Hyper Combo Wallpapers I’ve ever published. And my love for Marvel vs. Capcom certainly doesn’t diminish my infatuation with War Machine whatsoever.

While browsing the Internet for more hi-res Rhodey art, I stumbled upon an early Dan Slott issue – What If? #63: What if War Machine Had Not Destroyed the Living Laser? The art you see here is courtesy Manny Galan. I extracted the War Machine image from the cover, Photoshopped it at a high DPI using the cutout filter, and ended up with the excellent desktop wallpaper you see here.

Thanks to Demian’s Gamebook for the cover scan. Now go make sure that you get your ass back here next Monday for a new Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

More: War Machine Hyper Combo Wallpaper Archives!

Captain America Forever…

Let’s be honest: we all saw it coming. However, I expected Monday’s news to be a bit more sensational than the return of Steve Rogers… especially considering that it managed to peak at #3 on CNN’s top 10 news stories by mid-day.

But no, it’s just that simple. Steve Rogers is back. That’s what Reborn is all about. The “how” of his return is, I assume, the real shocker here.

I went to the comic shop on Monday evening, which turned out to be a great idea. Not necessarily great because of Captain America #600 (which is a good comic, by the way), but great because I got to hang with Phantom of the Attic’s Wayne Wise and the Comic Book Pitt’s Scott “The Duke.” On a normal Wednesday, it’s too busy to hang out and really talk. But on a slow Monday (which it was, despite the Monday release of Cap #600), I had all the time in the world to bullshit before I bought the comic and walked out the door.

So what about Cap’s return? He barely ever left, right? This could easily be called “Forever” instead of “Reborn”… except that I think the Reborn title has some literal significance here. Sharon Carter remembers shooting Steve with some sort of wide-mouth gun-shaped thing. To me, it looks like she took a tissue sample with it.

And then we see Sin, the Red Skull’s baby girl, in the jail infirmary. She’s restrained to her stretcher. But she also looks sort of pregnant, doesn’t she? Obviously there’s more to meets the eye because Crossbones won’t stop saying how people have no idea what really happened.

And then, of course, the Red Robot Skull sits around for a couple pages and soliloquizes about how loved the tension he had with Steve Rogers. He just couldn’t get enough of the back and forth fighting. He wanted to kill Cap, of course, but he was also exhilarated by the prospect of battling him constantly. I wonder if he just sits around all day and reminisces like this. The Red Skull has always been a nostalgia-deluded fool under Brubaker, hasn’t he?

Suffice to say that I was far more fascinated by the villains in Cap #600. Truthfully, I enjoyed the appearances by Falcon, Rikki, Patriot, and the other heroes. But the baddies were so much more compelling. Plus, the villains seemed to drop way more hints about the direction of Reborn.

The Top 9 Popular Video Games That Should Never Be Made Into Movies

Let’s be honest – Hollywood is so fucking desperate nowadays that they’ll turn anything into a movie. They love cherry picking from video games and comics because an established brand means less marketing (or, at least, easier marketing).

We can all agree that there are plenty of video games that would make awesome movies. But I think it’s safe to say that some video games should never EVER let the lens tell their tale, including:

9. Dr. Mario. At first, I was going to give this slot to Circus Charlie, one of the few scrolling games that would have appeared on this list. But then I remembered my Dr. Mario addiction that I suffered from earlier in this decade – I was so hooked on playing this game that I had to literally go cold turkey. I haven’t played a single second of Dr. Mario since that time. The addictive properties of this game may compel some hapless producer out there to try and develop a movie, but I guarantee you that it would be pure crap, through and through.

8. Anticipation. This has got to be the least popular game on this list, which means that many of you have probably never played it. Good for you. This game was the torture of my NES-playing childhood. It’s like a game show or board game adapted to the Nintendo Entertainment System… and it blows. While most of the other games on this list are at least fun to play, this one is painful. Basically, the movie potential for Anticipation is non-existent and the game play is awful.

7. Arkanoid. I must confess that, on some my more bizarre days, I’ve attempted to conjure up a coherent narrative around Arkanoid’s premise: controlling the last vestige of the mothership Arkanoid, you are the spaceship know as Vaus, which hits a silver sphere around until things break apart (namely, your enemy named Doh). While I love the insane premise that Arkanoid is more than a glorified Pong paddle slapping a little ball back and forth, I would never allow my love of Arkanoid delude me into thinking that it would make for a great film. I suggest that Hollywood movie producers follow my lead and let this concept stay relegated to video games.

6. Marble Madness. I know that this was generally accepted as a good game back in the day, but I always hated it as a kid. And now it’s one of the few classic popular video games that I haven’t played as an adult. While I’m sure that (at some point in the late 1980s) it crossed the minds of a few film producers, Marble Madness has never been developed into a feature film. I think that was for the best, don’t you?

5. Bejeweled. Like Solitaire, Bejeweled is a PC gaming phenomena. At one point in my life, I even thought that it was a fun game. I may have been wrong about the quality of its game play, but I know that I’m right about Bejeweled’s blockbuster film potential – it doesn’t exist… at all.

4. Duck Hunt. It’s classic, I’ll give it that. And maybe this Nintendo game, that came famously bundled with Super Mario Bros., would be perfect for a digital short ala Saturday Night Live. I’ll give it that as well. But anything beyond that would completely suck.

3. Solitaire. Arguably the most popular video game in the world (because it comes pre-installed on nearly every single version of the Windows operating system), Solitaire is nothing more than a PC representation of the classic (and boring) card game of the same name. If somebody told me that Solitaire had been optioned and Zak Penn was attached to write the script, I wouldn’t be surprised. With that said, I’m a dude with an open mind… but this game would make for a totally shit movie.

2. Pong. It’s the original. But just because Pong launched a gaming revolution, that doesn’t mean it should attempt to launch a film revolution as well. The game consists of two paddles, either player or computer controlled, slapping a ball back and forth. It’s simple. And it’s great just the way it is. No movie adaptations, please.

1. Tetris. I’m sure that someone out there has attempted to make Tetris into a narrative film. I bet there are even spec scripts laying around somewhere in a Hollywood studio basement. And, not to be too harsh, but that’s exactly where those Tetris: The Movie scripts belong: buried somewhere deep below the Earth, never to emerge and influence a weak-minded film producer into following their lead.

More: The Top 9 Playable Marvel Characters in Capcom Fighting Games

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.