The Top 9 on the AudioShocker

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The Top 9 Things You Need To Know RIGHT NOW!

Published

neal

on November 6, 2009

in The Top 9

. 0 Comments

Since Nick complained so much, I thought I'd drop a little knowledge on the AS Crew.

9. The Black Eyed Peas and U2 are the worst (and most overrated) bands ever

8. You can get ANYTHING delivered in NYC

7. Your favorite rapper probably has a ghostwriter

6. Chinese run Mexican joint > Qdoba > Chipotle

5. Grades don't actually matter

4. Xenogears > Street Fighter

3. Auto-Tune was originally developed to find oil wells, not for Teddy Pain

2. Mortgage backed sneakers are not a sound investment

1. Your breath stanks

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. (Sadly, that’s what Nick calls math.)

The Top 9 Most Serene Ways to Be Injured in an Animal Attack

Published

nick marino

on October 30, 2009

in The Top 9

. 1 Comment

Because nobody sent me any Top 9s - even after I asked you so nicely last week - I will now proceed to torture you with the most ridiculous Top 9 to date.

9. Biten by a tarantula in the middle of a winning match of Rock Paper Scissors.

8. Savagely mauled by a bald eagle on the top of a peaceful mountain.

7. Clawed by a tiger while resting in a lavish royal palace.

6. Punched in the face by a large monkey while meditating on the beach.

5. Colliding with a flying squirrel when climbing a tree in the rainforest.

4. Slapped by a whale fin while snorkeling near a tropical reef.

3. Strangled by an elephant at an elegant religious ceremony.

2. Kicked by a moose while hiking in a beautiful untouched bed of snow.

1. Flung off the back of a dolphin while trying to ride it into the sunset.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

I Want to Post YOUR Top 9 Lists (So Give Them to Me)

Published

nick marino

on October 23, 2009

in The Top 9

. 3 Comments

Let this be a call heard across the blogosphere: the AudioShocker wants to post your countdowns in The Top 9! That's right, loyal AudioShocker readers (all five of you) -- I want YOU to write Top 9 lists and then I'll put the best ones up here on the blog.

Email your Top 9 ideas and/or completed lists to nick@audioshocker.com. Also make sure to include a link you'd like to promote in conjunction to your submission, be it a link to your own site or a link to something that's relevant to your list.

Finally, to help you get a grasp on the sort of thing I'm looking for, I've made a list of The Top 9 Ways to Write an AudioShocker Top 9:

9. In english, please. I only know a little bit of French and even less American Sign Language (ASL), so keep it in my native tongue.

8. Profanity is a plus. This ain't your goddamn grandma's mutherfuckin' Top 9.

7. It can be about anything you want. Movies, music, comics, video games, and TV tend to be the most popular topics around these parts, but I'm open to other stuff.

6. References to Susan Sarandon or Street Fighter are a really big plus. Yes they are.

5. Your list has to go from 9 to 1, not 1 to 9. I don't feel like re-ordering your list, so please keep it countdown style.

4. Don't give me a list that was already posted somewhere else. No repeats!

3. Normally, a list item is structured like this one. With a highlighted short first sentence and/or phrase, followed by a sentence or two of description.

2. Don't give me anything bigotted or downright mean because I won't post it. However, an exception will be made for any submissions from Neal, because he just can't help it.

1. Make sure there are only nine items in your Top 9 list. No Top 20s, no Top 5s, and sure as hell no Top 10s. I don't mind honorable mentions to start off the list, but I will only post your nine main numbered items if you send me more than that.

BONUS POINTS: If you have a Top 9 in mind but you don't want to write it out, you can call it in! Dial the AudioShocker comment line at 412-567-7606 and leave a message. Then we'll air your audio Top 9 list as a special Top 9 Podcast! Also, if you hate phones, you can record your own audio file and email it to me at nick@audioshocker.com -- just make sure it's 15 MB or less before you try to email it.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Reasons Why President Obama Won the Nobel Peace Prize

Published

nick marino

on October 16, 2009

in The Top 9

. 1 Comment

The AudioShocker's new hyper-intellectual commenter, Steven, emailed me and suggested that I offer the plebeian's view on President Obama and the Noble Peace Prize (to "attract more of the NPR crowd," he said). I accepted his proposition only under one condition: I'd do it my way.

9. Blame It on the E-E-E-E-E-Economy is a number one smash hit across northern Europe.

8. The marketing potential of Chia Obama featuring Chia Nobel Peace Prize is just too great to turn down.

7. "At least he's not George W. Bush..."

6. When the Nobel Prize committee found out that Obama is planning to go as a Summer of Love hippie for Halloween, they just couldn't pass up the opportunity to make fun of him.

5. A voluntary urinalysis proved that Obama isn't using performance enhancing drugs.

4. He's been in office for almost a year now, and President Obama hasn't done the nasty with any of his staffers OR any employees at CBS (okay, maybe just once with Katie Couric... but that was on the campaign trail).

3. It's not easy being green.

2. "At least he's not Sarah Palin..."

1. Two words: sexual favors.

More: President Obama Loves Big Guns and Creepy Guys in Whiteface

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years

Published

nick marino

on October 9, 2009

in Movies and The Top 9

. 6 Comments

Underrated Comedy Movies - Accepted, Balls of Fury, Balls Out, The Ten

Looking for more underrated comedies? See our new Son of the Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies!!!

9. The Ten. I woulda put this at #10 on the list just because, but this is The Top 9 and thusly includes no #10. Whatever. This movie is not amazing, but decently funny, if only for the Jesus in Mexico vignette. [Buy it now: The Ten on Amazon]

8. Accepted. I never hear anyone talk about this flick, despite it's now famous cast. It's pretty damn funny. Again, not amazing, but still really good. [Buy it now: Accepted on Amazon]

7. Idiocracy. On the whole, a lot of movies on this list can outdo the comedy of Idiocracy. But for a might-as-well-have-been direct-to-DVD sleeper, this movie is totally awesome. The film is very quotable. I even own a "Camacho for President" t-shirt. [Buy it now: Idiocracy on Amazon]

6. Big Stan. I have a soft spot for Rob Schneider. This isn't his best, but it's very strong (not to mention Rob's directorial debut, I think). Conceptually, it's excellent and the execution - while not being laugh-out-loud all the time - is pretty damn funny. [Buy it now: Big Stan on Amazon]

5. The Big Bounce. How many people out there saw this one? Yeah, that's what I thought. Only the people that I showed it to. Well, it's great, okay? Like Big Stan, it's more quirky funny than piss yourself funny. It's got excellent actors in it and a strong plot twist. [Buy it now: The Big Bounce on Amazon]

4. Surviving Christmas. Why so high on this list? Why even on this list? Because Ben Affleck is constantly getting shit on, which caused this gem to be largely overlooked. I think this could make an argument for "most underrated," though not the BEST of the underrated flicks here. [Buy it now: Surviving Christmas on Amazon]

3. Yes Man. This may be the least underrated on the list. It sits this high because, while being generally enjoyed, it's not a huge hit. This movie is funny enough to be a major smash, yet most people I know stayed away from it. This probably has the widest appeal of all the films on this list. [Buy it now: Yes Man on Amazon]

2. Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach. Or Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story. Whatever you want to call it, this is fucking great. I nearly peed myself at points watching this one. However, it probably has the most narrow appeal of all the films. You have to appreciate gross out comedy, situational ignorance, and cheap shocker jokes (no, not that shocker... "shocker" as in "shocking"). [Buy it now: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach on Amazon]

1. Balls of Fury. This movie tends to polarize people. And by polarize, I mean that I love it and just about everyone else thinks it's not funny. EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG. This is the real deal, a near Holy Grail of slapstick / gross out / poor taste comedy. You've got Walken, Lopez, Terry Crews, that main guy who's really funny, Maggie Q in her best role, and the French Stewart lookalike guy who voices Batman now. It's made by the guys from The State who also make Reno 911 [and The Ten]. It's got some serious comedy pedigree. And you should watch it. And love it. [Buy it now: Balls of Fury on Amazon]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Most Overrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years

Published

nick marino

on October 2, 2009

in The Top 9

. 11 Comments

9. The Hangover. It's not that the movie doesn't have its laughs... it's just that the beginning sucks, the ending lacks any final over-the-top joke, and the editing leaves in way too many unfunny moments.

8. Zombieland. This film comes out today and everybody already thinks it's gonna be the funniest thing since Janet's nipple slip. Unfortunately, audiences will be in for a huge surprise when they find out that the character arcs revolve around product placement and painfully transparent motives.

7. Role Models. Seann William Scott and Bobb'e Thompson were amazing, but Paul Rudd's performance is a serious dud. Sadly, the movie largely focuses on Rudd's character, and the best of this film is overshadowed by the worst.

6. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Conceptually, this could have been one of the greatest comedy films in American history. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is certainly one of the best comedies of this decade. However, this sequel lacks the intelligence and timing of the first film.

5. Be Kind Rewind. Is this even a comedy movie? It felt more like a filmmaking tragedy. While the poorly-coined "Sweeding" is a fantastic concept, the film fails to capitalize on its own genius and, instead, falls flat.

4. Grandma's Boy. Aside from a brief Rob Schneider cameo and a great masturbation joke, there is nothing funny in this film whatsoever. I walked out of the theater with only 20 minutes left to go.

3. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. While I appreciate puppets and sex jokes, I like them even more when they actually make me laugh. The premise is decent, but the execution needs more gusto.

2. Knocked Up. Sucks. I walked out of the theater after the first 25 minutes and asked for my money back. They refused, but offered me another ticket. Hostel 2 was pretty good.

1. Dan in Real Life. Why? WHY??? To me, this film is the epitome of "this movie stole two hours of my life and I want them back." Aside from the low lows of the egregiously horrid Dane Cook performance, everything else in this movie is completely blah and painfully unfunny.

Next: The Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years!

More: The Top 9 Things That Suck About Modern Movies

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Things That Felt a Little Bit Off About Zombieland

Published

nick marino

on September 25, 2009

in The Top 9

. 13 Comments

I caught a sneak preview of Zombieland on Wednesday night. I enjoyed it. But I also saw it for free, which goes a long way in my book. If I had to pay to go see it, I would have been a bit let down. Here's why:

9. The story toes the void between witty zombie satire and indulgent fan fiction.

8. MINOR SPOILER! (Highlight to reveal the missing words.) Even though Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray star in this wildly self-referential film, no one ever manages to mention their greatest co-achievement, Kingpin.

7. There's text integrated into the entire film (like, literally, these captions become part of the image as opposed to sitting on top). While it looks pretty good for what it is, it feels like the novelty of its perspective placement may either a) start a horribly obnoxious trend, or b) become completely unwatchable in future viewings.

6. There's an astounding frequency of product placement throughout the film, to the point where the lines between movie and commercial blur.

5. The movie features helpless female protagonists in danger... in a completely non-ironic way, mind you.

4. Product placement actually becomes central to the film's plot. Tallahassee (Woody's character) has a love for Twinkies, and this aspect becomes crucial to his character arc.

3. The filmmakers obviously wanted Michael Cera for the main role, but he either wasn't available or wasn't interested.

2. Any opportunity to say a proper noun (in this instance, a brand name) instead of a common noun is fully exploited by the writers. Hand sanitizer becomes Purell, soda becomes Mountain Dew Code Red, an SUV becomes a Cadillac Escalade, and so on.

1. While Zombieland is overall a fun movie, it's dangerously close to being consumed by its more contrived elements, and that fact makes the viewing experience slightly unsatisfactory.

More: The Top 9 Least In Demand Fan Fiction Franchises!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Reasons Why DC Comics is Now DC Entertainment

Published

nick marino

on September 18, 2009

in The Top 9

. 4 Comments

9. Warner Bros. executives were confused by the DC Comics company name, stating, "There's nothing particularly funny about these books..."

8. The name "DC Comics" wasn't dark enough. Gotta keep up with the trends!

7. "Dork Central Entertainment" sounds better than "Dork Central Comics."

6. If you squint your eyes and look at it really fast, "DC Ent." sort of reads like "DeCent." Gotta love subliminal branding!

5. The DC offices were tired of getting calls from travel agents trying to make reservations at Washington D.C.-area comedy clubs.

4. Approximately 99.9% of kids under the age 14 have no idea what a "Comics" is. However, they all enjoy "Entertainment."

3. Paul Levtiz was defeated in a high-stakes poker game by Diane Nelson. After he lost the hand where he bet his job, the only thing he had left was the company name.

2. Disney bought Marvel. Warner Bros. got scared.

1. DC Comics employees were fed up with the constant ridicule from friends and family who learned that the company's name actually stood for "Detective Comics Comics."

More: The Top 9 DC Comics Movies Warner Bros. Should Be Making Right Now!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

A Special Video Treat - The Top 10 Reasons to Move to NYC

Published

neal

on September 11, 2009

in The Top 9

. 0 Comments

As my first week of classes coasts to an end, and I think it is only fitting to release this gem to all of you. Behold, the world premiere of The Stern Class of 2011, Block 1 Team 2 (The Straight Shooters) talent show skit. Taped in HD, broadcast via Vimeo, direct to you.

We recorded and edited this top 9 10 last Wednesday night during Pre-Term Orientation (between the hours of 3-11pm), and I think the results are nothing less than stellar. Please note the Stern acting debut's of Trey, Yolanda, Julia, Xianglei, Matt, and myself as we dish the top 10 reasons to move to New York City! (Special thanks to YoYo the rat, everyone at the West 4th St. courts, and the bartender at the Slaughtered Lamb) And word up to Donny Goines for the ending credits track. (Go cop The Breakfast Club disc NOW!)

Next Week: Your regularly scheduled dose of the Top 9 as Nick presents The Top 9 Reasons Why DC Comics is Now DC Entertainment!

The Top 9 Ways Marvel Has Changed Since It Was Purchased by Disney

Published

nick marino

on September 4, 2009

in The Top 9

. 0 Comments

9. Captain America is asking everyone to refer to him as Captain Charming from now on.

8. Lockheed and Figment moved to Massachusetts and got a civil union.

7. Wolverine has been seen spontaneously breaking into song during his berserker rages.

6. Disney's Beast officially dropped his lawsuit against Frank Quitely and Hank McCoy.

5. Storm is now one of the Disney Princesses.

4. Uncle Scrooge and Tony Stark have worked out a synchronized swimming routine in the Money Bin.

3. The Hulk and Kermit the Frog have been singing duets of "It's Not Easy Being Green."

2. In an effort to make himself more kid-friendly, Frank Castle has changed his codename to the Funisher.

1. Marvel has announced that Don Cheadle will be playing the role of Mouse Machine in Iron Man 2.

Next Week: Neal drops a special video versions of The Top 9 10 Reasons to Move to NYC. While I can't say I approve of this "Top 10" business, I do appreciate the week off.

More: The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.