Archive for the 'The Top 9' Category

The Top 9 People Michael Jackson Was Trying to Look Like

Published
by
nick marino
on July 3, 2009
in Comics, Music and The Top 9
. 0 Comments

Let’s just be honest about this: regardless of his incredible abilities as a performer, Michael Jackson had a mortifying plastic surgery addiction that was impossible to ignore.

I may not know much about plastic surgery, but I can’t imagine it’s something you go into casually without an endgame in mind. Mikey must of had some sort image of what he wanted to look like after all that surgery was done.

Unfortunately, we may never know exactly what MJ’s goal was with all those disturbing facial modifications, but here are my best nine guesses.

9. Superman. Okay, so MJ missed the mark if he was going for a Clark Kent vibe. But you have to admit that the chin implant is very superhero-esque. And when I think of superheroes with a strong chin line, first and foremost I think of Supes. Still, like I said, Michael Jackson wasn’t THAT reminiscent of the Man of Steel. If he was going for a DC Comics hero, he was probably aiming more towards…

8. Wonder Woman. This super Amazon is far more in line with MJ’s final appearance than the guardian of Metropolis. Jacko was obviously going for a feminine look, so maybe he took some cues from Diana of Themyscira (though, upon further scrutiny, MJ looked more like an old school Jack Kirby drawing than any DC superheroine). At the end of the day, whether aiming for Wonder Woman or not, Michael Jackson ended up looking like a…

7. Nightmare. Literally. We all know that Michael Jackson preferred Marvel Comics. And who better to take inspiration from than one of the greats: Steve Ditko. When my friend said MJ looked like a nightmare, I automatically added a capital N on the front. BTW, do me a favor and remember this entry for later on in the list, okay? Anyway, back to the current section of the countdown. MJ, after all was said and done, was far too put together to be going for a Nightmare look. In fact, I would say his desires were more along the lines of…

6. Betty Page. Seriously. With those lips and that silky black hair, MJ was totally going for a high-contrast pinup lady look. Ms. Page was, of course, the most notorious of the black and white pinups. Who better to emulate, right? Well, if Mikey was trying to look like Betty Page, unfortunately he ended up more like…

5. Elizabeth Taylor. Anyone else out there ever find it ironic that Michael Jackson was not only close friends with Elizabeth Taylor but also slowly turning into her? For what it’s worth, I thought about this even as a kid. And while this classic Hollywood starlet certainly inspired millions, I think it’s safe to say that Micheal’s eventual appearance seemed to be inspired a bit more by…

4. Cher. And I’m not talking 1970s Cher. I’m talking modern Cher, like Cher from the Believe video. Even if MJ was trying to look like Cher, he was aiming for the next octave up with his voice. Take that, Cher! When it came to looking like women, you two were tied. But when it came to sounding like women, well, Mikey had you beat there. But don’t fret Cher – at the end of the day, Mike wasn’t your doppelganger. He always reminded me more of…

3. Elvira. You know, the original sexy goth chick. We’ll never know if MJ really wanted to look like Elvira, but visual evidence certainly points in this direction. Hell, maybe he was just jealous and wanted to get the Tom Jones treatment too. But while Elvira always rocked a feathered fashion mullet, Michael appeared to prefer flowing black locks a bit closer to those of…

2. Snow White. The pale skin. The jet black hair. The big red lips. That whole song about talking to a mirror. His love for poisoned apples. Okay, that last one I made up. But the first three all are bonafide facts! Snow White is a pretty huge icon, just like Mike. Maybe he was trying to take the whole iconic thing to the next level. If that’s what his aim was, he was a bit off. Instead of capturing the pale countenance of Snow White, Michael Jackson ended up with the same complexion as…

1. Morbius, the Living Vampire. Not only did MJ have the complexion, he also had the miniature nose and the same exaggerated facial shape as Marvel’s resident anti-hero vampire. Remember when I told you to remember #7? Here’s the payoff: when I told my friend about the Nightmare reference, he agreed but felt that MJ resembled Morbius to a greater degree. And he’s right. The whole Michael Jackson look was very “Living Vampire.” And here’s some visual evidence:

Michael Jackson, the Living Morbius

More: The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Celebrity Deaths of the Past Couple Months

Published
by
nick marino
on June 26, 2009
in The Top 9
. 8 Comments

9. Dom DeLuise. R.I.P. Pizza the Hutt.

8. Bob Bogle. I’m sure most of you aren’t familiar with him, but Bob Bogle has been one of my guitar heroes for as long as I can remember. He was a founder of The Ventures, the world’s greatest instrumental rock band.

7. Natasha Richardson. Speaking of not being familiar, I don’t think I’ve seen any of Natasha’s films. Unfortunately, thanks to the way news media works in this country, I’m very familiar with her death.

6. Mike Tyson’s daughter. Exodus Tyson was strangled by a loose cord hanging down from a treadmill. Very sad.

5. Autotune. Killed by Jay-Z. Autotune’s death has been hitting the pop music world pretty hard, especially T-Pain.

4. Ed McMahon. Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show sideman. Star Search host. Publishers Clearing House home sabotage ringleader and over-sized check presenter. Damn, Ed did a lot of stuff.

3. Farah Fawcett. Charlie’s most famous Angel died after a very public fight with cancer.

2. David Carradine. Kill Bill died an awful, kinky death. It’s true that Carradine was into some weird shit, but it looks like he was able to keep most of it under the radar until his untimely passing in a Bangkok hotel room. At first it looked like suicide and/or solo sex play gone wrong, but now it seems like foul play.

1. Michael Jackson. Mikey was the man. A weird man, yes… but THE MAN nonetheless. It’ll be interesting to see what the public deems his legacy to be over the course of the next couple decades.

[Thanks to Neal for inspiring this week's theme and helping put together the list.]

More: The Top 9 Currently Dead Superheroes and Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Popular Video Games That Should Never Be Made Into Movies

Published
by
nick marino
on June 19, 2009
in Movies, The Top 9 and Video Games
. 1 Comment

Let’s be honest – Hollywood is so fucking desperate nowadays that they’ll turn anything into a movie. They love cherry picking from video games and comics because an established brand means less marketing (or, at least, easier marketing).

We can all agree that there are plenty of video games that would make awesome movies. But I think it’s safe to say that some video games should never EVER let the lens tell their tale, including:

9. Dr. Mario. At first, I was going to give this slot to Circus Charlie, one of the few scrolling games that would have appeared on this list. But then I remembered my Dr. Mario addiction that I suffered from earlier in this decade – I was so hooked on playing this game that I had to literally go cold turkey. I haven’t played a single second of Dr. Mario since that time. The addictive properties of this game may compel some hapless producer out there to try and develop a movie, but I guarantee you that it would be pure crap, through and through.

8. Anticipation. This has got to be the least popular game on this list, which means that many of you have probably never played it. Good for you. This game was the torture of my NES-playing childhood. It’s like a game show or board game adapted to the Nintendo Entertainment System… and it blows. While most of the other games on this list are at least fun to play, this one is painful. Basically, the movie potential for Anticipation is non-existent and the game play is awful.

7. Arkanoid. I must confess that, on some my more bizarre days, I’ve attempted to conjure up a coherent narrative around Arkanoid’s premise: controlling the last vestige of the mothership Arkanoid, you are the spaceship know as Vaus, which hits a silver sphere around until things break apart (namely, your enemy named Doh). While I love the insane premise that Arkanoid is more than a glorified Pong paddle slapping a little ball back and forth, I would never allow my love of Arkanoid delude me into thinking that it would make for a great film. I suggest that Hollywood movie producers follow my lead and let this concept stay relegated to video games.

6. Marble Madness. I know that this was generally accepted as a good game back in the day, but I always hated it as a kid. And now it’s one of the few classic popular video games that I haven’t played as an adult. While I’m sure that (at some point in the late 1980s) it crossed the minds of a few film producers, Marble Madness has never been developed into a feature film. I think that was for the best, don’t you?

5. Bejeweled. Like Solitaire, Bejeweled is a PC gaming phenomena. At one point in my life, I even thought that it was a fun game. I may have been wrong about the quality of its game play, but I know that I’m right about Bejeweled’s blockbuster film potential – it doesn’t exist… at all.

4. Duck Hunt. It’s classic, I’ll give it that. And maybe this Nintendo game, that came famously bundled with Super Mario Bros., would be perfect for a digital short ala Saturday Night Live. I’ll give it that as well. But anything beyond that would completely suck.

3. Solitaire. Arguably the most popular video game in the world (because it comes pre-installed on nearly every single version of the Windows operating system), Solitaire is nothing more than a PC representation of the classic (and boring) card game of the same name. If somebody told me that Solitaire had been optioned and Zak Penn was attached to write the script, I wouldn’t be surprised. With that said, I’m a dude with an open mind… but this game would make for a totally shit movie.

2. Pong. It’s the original. But just because Pong launched a gaming revolution, that doesn’t mean it should attempt to launch a film revolution as well. The game consists of two paddles, either player or computer controlled, slapping a ball back and forth. It’s simple. And it’s great just the way it is. No movie adaptations, please.

1. Tetris. I’m sure that someone out there has attempted to make Tetris into a narrative film. I bet there are even spec scripts laying around somewhere in a Hollywood studio basement. And, not to be too harsh, but that’s exactly where those Tetris: The Movie scripts belong: buried somewhere deep below the Earth, never to emerge and influence a weak-minded film producer into following their lead.

More: The Top 9 Playable Marvel Characters in Capcom Fighting Games

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Guesses at What the Fuck Is Going on with Captain America

Published
by
nick marino
on June 5, 2009
in Comics, Misc and The Top 9
. 1 Comment

Some of you AudioShockerlings may not be familiar with the premise behind this Top 9, so I’ll explain it quick: Captain America #600 is receiving an unprecedented Monday (instead of Wednesday) release on June 15th, 2009. Then, only weeks later, Marvel Comics is putting out the Reborn miniseries by the current writer of Captain America (and the first issue features a cover with Cap’s star on it and nothing else). Marvel Comics loves the limelight, so they obviously have something big going on.

A few things to know: Captain America is dead. Well, erm, actually, Steve Rogers is dead. He got shot a few years ago. He’s almost always been Cap, but now his former WWII protege is wearing the red, white, and blues. Also, the “solicitation” copy (a.k.a. the description) of Reborn #1 will be revealed on June 16th, the day after Cap #600 hits. And there’s a Captain America movie slated for the summer of 2011. So it’s all interconnected and there’s some secretive shit going down.

So what the fuck is really going on with Captain America? Here are my most educated and asinine guesses:

9. Captain America was raped by Doctor Light. To start some sort of 21st century Marvel Comics / DC Comics crossover, the companies have decided to show us that sexual abuse isn’t just for the ladies anymore. One day, Doctor Light snuck into the Avengers Mansion and took Steve Rogers from behind when he wasn’t looking. Hilarity ensues.

8. Captain America raped Doctor Light. Seems a little more shocking than the alternative, doesn’t it?

7. Steve Rogers never died, he was just a Skrull the whole damn time. Since Steve’s corpse received a secret burial at sea by Iron Man, Hank Pym, Namor, and the Wasp, not too many folks actually saw the body of Captain America for the last time. Wasp kicked the bucket in Secret Invasion, Tony Stark is currently erasing his entire brain while on the run from the US government, and Namor is busy ogling Emma Frost’s boobies all day long. Conveniently, Hank Pym was actually a Skrull at that time (and thus will be referred to as Skank Pym from here on out). After the four of them dumped Steve’s “corpse” into the Arctic Ocean, Skank Pym went down there and picked up the Steve Rogers impersonator (who was just feigning death). As Reborn #1 opens, Skank Pym and fake Steve are headed back to their Skrull spaceship where the crew is currently in the process of anally probing the real Steve Rogers just for kicks.

6. Sharon Carter is going to give birth to an elderly Steve Rogers who will de-age to be Captain America again. The title of the upcoming miniseries is reborn… so what if that title was literal? Inspired by the success of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Marvel Comics has decided to literally have Steve Rogers reemerge from the womb. How? Time travel, of course! Sharon Carter, Cap’s secret agent girlfriend, thinks that she was impregnated by Steve Rogers shortly before he died. She’s wrong. She was actually impregnated by an android from the future. First, the android traveled back in time to secure a sample of semen from Steve Rogers’ father. Then it headed back to the future where the semen was genetically engineered to include a preexisting dosage of the Super Solider Serum. Then the android traveled to the exact point in time where Steve and Sharon were getting ready to have hot and heavy sex. The android drugged Steve and took his place. After doing the deed, the android returned home to the future. Back in our present, despite being “de-pregnated” by the Red Skull, Sharon Carter gives birth to an elderly Steve Rogers. She cares for him until Cap can get the shield swinging again. And then, in a shocking twist.. they become lovers! That’s right – Sharon starts getting it on with the superhero who emerged from her own vagina as a 90-year-old man. Now that’s entertainment.

5. Captain America was raped by Sharon Carter. Though not nearly as shocking as other scenarios, it provides an interesting backdrop for an exploration of female-on-male sexual abuse. The collected edition of this story will be in bookstores just in time for the Captain America movie.

4. The new Captain America is Batman. Over at DC Comics, everyone thinks Batman is dead. Actually, Bruce Wayne is just lost in reality. Reborn opens as the Caped Crusader is shifting across multiple different alternate realities, trying to find his way home. Bats ends up in the Marvel Universe, where he decides to have some fun and suit up as the Star Spangled Avenger. Image the merchandising and cross-promotion possibilities for Marvel and DC. We’re talking big bucks, baby! Big bucks!!!

3. Steve Rogers was actually Barack Obama the whole time. Nothing sells comic books nowadays like a guest appearance by Barack Obama. Not to be outdone by the competition, Marvel Comics has decided to secretly make our 44th American president the Sentinel of Liberty. The reason Cap was “shot” in the first place? So Obama could have more time to run for president. Now that he’s president, Obama wants to get back to kicking ass… Captain America style! Also, this would coordinate well with the rumor that Marvel Studios wants to cast Will Smith as Captain America. This way, Smith gets to play both Barack Obama AND Captain America in the same time movie.

2. Captain America raped Barack Obama. Seems eve more shocking than the other alternatives, doesn’t it?

1. Captain America was actually Hitler the entire time. At some point during WWII, Hitler managed to kill Steve Rogers. But instead of bragging about it, Hitler decided to put on Cap’s costume and impersonate him (sans creepy moustache, of course). Fast forward a year or so, and Adolf is tired of fighting the war. He fakes BOTH of his own deaths and goes underground. Years later, after extensive genetic modification, he reemerges as the “unfrozen” Captain America and joins the Avengers. He proceeds to pretend to be Steve Rogers for far longer than anyone could ever imagine. Sick of the endless charade, Adolf fakes his own death AGAIN and goes underground to plot his rebirth. In Reborn, Hitler reveals his master plan and shocks everyone by proving that he was Captain America the whole time. Then he rapes Barack Obama. The end.

More: The Top 9 Currently Dead Superheroes and Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Reasons I Can’t Get Back to Sleep at 4 AM

Published
by
nick marino
on May 29, 2009
in Books, Misc and The Top 9
. 0 Comments

9. At approximately 2 AM EST on Friday, May 29, 2009, a savagely loud banging noise emanated from my ceiling as my upstairs neighbor decided to start rearranging furniture in the middle of the night. Then, once the banging subsided…

8. An atrocious noise began to filter down as my neighbor then decided to vacuum directly above my bed (and, in turn, my head) for a good 30 minutes. Laying awake and angry about the noise, my thoughts wandered as…

7. I started thinking about how bad I want to read my Iron Man “Armor Wars II” backissues. But I promised myself I’d finish reading A Scanner Darkly before I started reading any new comic books because…

6. I’ve been desperate to finish reading A Scanner Darkly for Pete’s Culturology book club. I vowed to complete it in time for this Monday, despite the fact that I’ve reached the end of a grand total of two prose novels in the past four years. Thus, with the loud sucking noise still persisting…

5. I finished reading A Scanner Darkly and it sucked. And that makes me cranky. You wouldn’t like me when I’m cranky. Disappointed with the novel and still unable to sleep…

4. I found myself busy responding to the AudioShocker Grammar Police on a throw-away post I wrote about zombies. Pleased that Neal stuck up for me, I then decided to peruse some other blog comments when…

3. I became perplexed while trying to figure out why Neal saw Sanchez, of “Dirty Sanchez” fame, as a “sweaty day laborer.” I mean, why couldn’t Sanchez be a wealthy Mexico City businessman or a student at a prestigious university who just happened to like both blow jobs AND anal sex? Recognizing a trend…

2. I became concerned that a lot of people I know like to make comments that perpetuate negative Hispanic stereotypes. And after all this, I see that it’s now 4 AM and I’m still awake because…

1. I’m busy writing this goddamn list.

More: The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime – Part One (Remember how I used to split The Top 9 up into two parts? How obnoxious!)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Ways the Economic Recession Has Affected the AudioShocker

Published
by
nick marino
on May 22, 2009
in Comics, Misc and The Top 9
. 2 Comments

It’s sad but true. Even a financial stalwart like the AudioShocker has buckled under the pressure of the economic crisis. Here are the Top 9 crazy events that have transpired due to monetary doom sweeping across all of America.

9. Ross Campbell wants us to pay him to do podcast interviews from now on. (C’mon, Ross… the damn things are already shameless fucking self-promotion!)

8. To save money on multimedia expenses, we almost changed our catchphrase to “Music. Movie. Comic. A little bit of media here and there is sort of our thing.”

7. To save even more money, we almost changed our catchphrase to “iMeem. Hulu. Zuda. Free media is DEFINITELY our thing.”

6. Gotham Chopra stopped hanging around the blog because his comic books all turned to liquid. (Get it!?! Virgin Comics = Liquid Comics! They used to be in print and now they’re just online! … Okay, fine, you win – the joke sucked.)

5. Justique has a whole lot less extra cash to spend on pornography. (She’s down to about $200 per day.)

4. Nick has even less extra cash to spend on hookers. (He’s down to about $2 per week… but DAMN that prosthetic handjob is worth every penny!)

3. Kirsten stopped commenting on Pete’s blog posts because she was too busy earning some extra money on the side working as a high-paid lesbian escort (see this incriminating photo for evidence).

2. Neal couldn’t hire the Elan Luz Rivera lookalike stripper he wanted for his birthday. (Instead, he had to settle for the Susan Sarandon lookalike GMILF from next door.)

1. We know you love the AudioShocker just the way it is, but be on the look out for our new blog name… COMING SOON: “Tampax Tampons presents the AudioShocker podcast & blog”!!! (Our new catchphrase: “We’re stuffing some music, movies, and comics all up in that shit!”)

More: The Top 9 Social Networks! (And how to choose the right one for you.)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Reasons I Still Haven’t Seen the New Star Trek Movie

Published
by
nick marino
on May 15, 2009
in Misc, Movies and The Top 9
. 8 Comments

Pete (and Neal) would have you believe that the new Star Trek movie is SOOOO much better than X-Men Origins: Wolverine. SUCK IT, PETE!

Just because I’m a stubborn bastard, here are the Top 9 reasons I’m still refusing to go see the Star Trek motion picture at my local cineplex.

9. The line “What do you suggest we do, Spock? Spank it!?!” appears nowhere within this film’s dialogue.

8. Where’s Sulu Prime? I was hoping for some hot John-Cho-on-George-Takei action.

7. I was busying watching the entirety of Star Trek: The Original Series for FREE on YouTube.

6. Patrick Stewart is in the new Wolverine movie, not the new Star Trek movie. (Granted, he’s only a CG face… but he’s still in there!)

5. The trailers contain no scenes whatsoever involving a Star Fleet vessel and a whale.

4. I was busy watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine for the third time.

3. According to all the trailers and previews I’ve seen, Uhura exists only to act as a sexy love interest. I mean, seriously, they just keep showing that same shot of her taking her shirt off. Zoe Saldana should be pissed.

2. Zachary Quinto looks like an elf, not a Vulcan.

1. There’s no William Shatner cameo.

More: The Top 9 Ways to Piss Me Off in the Movie Theater! (The #1 entry on that list happened to me for my entire third viewing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine… that guy now has a special place in hell waiting for him.)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Moments in X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Published
by
nick marino
on May 8, 2009
in Misc, Movies and The Top 9
. 6 Comments

Everyone is all like, “WAHHHH! The Wolverine movie wasn’t good enough! Boo-hoo!” I say FUCK ‘EM! X-Men Origins: Wolverine was balls-to-the-wall fun both times I saw it. Here are the Top 9 the silliest and most wonderful moments from this blockbuster popcorn epic.

9. For some odd reason, a Hugh Jackman lookalike was cast in the role of Wolvie’s father. This would be all well and good if it weren’t for the fact that the guy playing Wolverine’s father actually turns out NOT to be Wolverine’s father. Did the casting director even read the script?

8. Nobody at a thuggish New Orleans dive bar seems to notice the ridiculously extravagant poker player wearing a top hat and shuffling cards with his arms stretched wide like a bad stage magician. Never mind the fact that he goes by the name Remy.

7. When Logan spies a decapitated bear head casually laying around his lumberjack work site, he logically jumps to the conclusion that Sabretooth must be nearby (because, ya know, severed bear heads follow Victor Creed like the scent of cheap perfume on an ugly hooker).

6. An elderly couple spies Logan as he goes streaking across their secluded Canadian farm (unbeknownst to them, naked Wolvie just escaped from the Weapon X project).

5. To portray mutant teleporter John Wraith, apparently will.i.am raided Burt Reynolds’ closet circa 1978.

4. Remember that elderly couple? Yeah, Agent Zero picks them off through a small, dirty barn window. They drop dead and Wolvie gets mad. Then Stryker and Zero blow up the barn. Exploding barns = AWESOME.

3. Naked Wolverine jumps into a waterfall to escape the Weapon X project. I know it should have been an exciting moment, but all I could think was, “Oh shit. That’s gonna be really fucking cold. SHRINKAGE!”

2. Wolverine goes one-on-one in the boxing ring with a severely overweight Fred Dukes to get some answers about Stryker’s plans. Fred’s enormous, jiggly man-boobs are going to give me nightmares tonight. I guarantee it.

1. Logan learns he’s been double-crossed in the worst way when Silver Fox is revealed to be alive and well, employed by Stryker at his “secret” military base… which begs the question: did she fake every orgasm?

More: The Top 9 Most Intimidating Supervillains! (Featuring no less than two (2!) of the characters from X-Men Origins: Wolverine.)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The Top 9 Iconic Characters with an Extra and/or Extended Body Part

Published
by
nick marino
on May 1, 2009
in Books, Comics, Misc, Movies, Music, TV and The Top 9
. 1 Comment

X-men Origins: Wolverine hits theaters today and, originally, I had planned to make this list The Top 9 Common Household Items That Remind Me of Wolverine. I decided against that when I realized that every entry on the list would be a variation on the table fork.

Therefore, in place of that comparably mundane countdown, I present to you a collection of well-known characters – both fictional and otherwise – who have that extra special something that makes them all the more memorable.

9. Mr. Fantastic. Probably the least known entity on this list, Mr. Fantastic makes up for his lack of popularity among the masses by being, by and large, the most extendable member of this countdown. I mean, the guy can stretch EVERYTHING. And by “EVERYTHING” I mean he can also stretch his dick. And when I think of extended dicks, my thoughts naturally lead to…

8. Kim Kardashian. Ya know, maybe Kim isn’t quite “this list” material… but she is pretty damn popular right now, to the point where nine out of ten people could easily tell you that she’s primarily known for having a huge ass. Speaking of being known for having a huge body part, let’s talk about…

7. The Coneheads. Their enlarged and elongated craniums are far more iconic than you would expect. Amazingly, this ancient Saturday Night Live sketch managed to return in the mid-90s as a corny spinoff film. Their longevity might be even better than…

6. ZZ Top. The super stretched beards of ZZ Top are both “extra” and “extended,” making them natural choices for this list. That’s a double whammy right there, folks. They might even have the most famous extended body parts in rock, if not for Tommy Lee and…

5. Gene Simmons. While the awesomeness of KISS as a whole is somewhat up for debate, it’s pretty safe to say that the length of Gene Simmons’ tongue is universally accepted as “really fucking long.” And although this makes for a rather weak transition into our next candidate, Gene is a HUGE fan of Marvel Comics, publisher of…

4. Wolverine. Of course, you knew he was going to be on this list from the start. Wolvie’s extendable claws make him extremely iconic on the page and on the big screen. Plus, they make it cool to run around the house with a bunch of kitchen knives between your knuckles. Speaking of kitchens, that reminds me of…

3. Marge Simpson. Marge’s giant blue beehive hairdo is the shit. Just admit it. It turns you on. You want to caress it and feel it wrap around you with its warm embrace… I know you do. Don’t lie to me or else you’ll end up like…

2. Pinocchio. This little guy might just have world’s most famous nose. I mean, who’s his big competition? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of anyone else who can claim their fame solely for their proboscis. Still, this devious wooden puppet can’t hold a candle to…

1. The Three-Boobied Lady from Total Recall. C’mon! How can you NOT love this chick? I can sum up her elite iconic status in one short phrase that says all you need to know: she’s a Martian hooker with three boobs!!!

More: The Top 9 Biggest Superhero Movie Mistakes of the Past Ten Years.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.