Since this isn't a real music video, I'll reserve my usual negative comments. I'd just like to note the following: the dad squeezes the nipple on the baby bottle, he throws his daughter's tea service on the ground and spikes the mini piano - that cracked my shit up. He may be a balding actor and this may be a ridiculously shameless use of 'swagger' & autotune, but it's also funny. If I were Puff, I would be pissed -- not because these guys were jocing my video concepts from 15 years ago -- but because they'll have more success with it in 3 months than he has in the last 15 years.

(WHERE MY MOTHER FATHERS AT?)

Really, where to begin? The American flag cape. Dancers + band in spacesuits. Overdone sing-songy vocals (plus autotune) that try to make her sound younger/ditzier than she really is. Did I mention the half-assed robot-arm swing in there too (these guys totally trumped Bieber's shitty road crew, which is impressive)? A total inability to sing/dance at the same time. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Oh, and the lyrics are basically a string of urban dictionary entries. Why is this girl popular? Not mention, the single came out during the summer, what is she doing on SNL NOW?

The laser light thing -- that actually had the potential to be cool. But instead of using a theremin, which would have been 400% gangster, we got a lame party laser. That was the last straw. I mean really, how on earth is autotune more gangster than a theremin?!

I did a little wiki-research and it looks like this Ke$ha girl's initial 'breakout' was doing the hook on a Flo-Rida's even crappier cover of You Spin Me Round? There was a big long page of credits and history, but the main references that hit me were: Paris Hilton, Katy Perry, and Pitbull --- hardly musical relationships that I would consider worthwhile.

So, excuse me while I don my hater hat and pass judgement here: Ke$ha, this was a bad performance, a bad song, and bad in general. To quote a recent meme from b-school: you need to GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

Looks like I was wrong. Soldier of Love drops Feb 9, Act like you know.

Anyway, today's video, courtesy of a functioning VEVO, is Calle 13's La Perla, featuring Rubén Blades. It's a great song, and the video is low impact - but scenic. If you can't enjoy this then... well i don't know, but something is clearly wrong with you. It's chill. And for what it's worth, it did win a Latin Grammy. Enjoy.

First and foremost, I can't get the site to work. I know it's in beta, and it just launched - but this is unacceptable. The launch was way too hyped for 2nd day performance to be this sluggish. I can't get any videos to play and the search functions are for shit. I can't even access a Beyonce video - apparently it's not authorized for my region. Pray tell, what region is licensed if not the U.S.? Also you have to access the site using the www prefix (which is redundant). That might all be minor nitpicking, but this whole thing is a joint venture with Google. Superstar uptime and IT are sort of their thing. Operational Fail.

And does this website even need to exist? I am totally comfortable watching ads on Hulu - and even on AOL or MTV when watching music videos, but where is the added value for me? All I see is value in aggregation, and maybe fewer broken video links in the future. But, reinventing the wheel, breaking everyone's current YouTube embeds, and promoting the site seems like a large outlay for small potential profits. Also, couldn't this have been defined as a new category of videos at Hulu (they have movies and tv right now) or even YouTube as opposed to a whole new site? Why not leverage Hulu's great brand image? I understand this involves a different set of parties, but I think this could have been done better. Oh wait - it totally has been:

MTV's implementation (which has an open API) of a music video streaming site is much better, and it launched last year. The design is infinitely less abrasive and offers all the same favorites, review, playlist, and social networking features that VEVO is promoting. And, they have a large (though not exhaustive) collection, including most current pop hits. The videos are easy to embed and most importantly, the site works. Booyah.

I imagine that Google / the labels will work the bugs out pretty quickly, but right now VEVO is a No-Go.

The Track: Garbage. So far everything I have heard from this 'era' sounds the same. I think the beat could have been better used for something else. Gaga's inclusion is pointless play for relevance and she fails to add anything to the track. Bey is capable enough on her own, why is she bringing another 'diva' in the mix. Isn't that why she left DC in the first place? I don't get this, the same way I don't get why she did that other track with Shakira. Finally, I know I've said it before, but why does B keep trying to appear gutter glam? That's like Bill Gates saying he really digs the open source model and that he uses Plan 9. More to the point, it's not like anyone other than the Jigga Man has the remote possibility of a chance. Such a ridiculous and unbelievable tease.

The Video: Hype Williams done lost his mind. White, black, epilepsy inducing editing, a multitude of hyper color toy guns, Abu Grahib esque hoods, dudes with camera lenses for heads. Hype was clearly tripping off some Terry Gilliam Brazil / Time Bandits nonsense.

I mean check it out for yourself, it oozes excess and hubris. The whole thing is visually jarring for the sake of being so. Then again, taken as a leading indicator, we could be finally pulling out of the recession.

The video and inclusion of Ms. Disco Stick reinforces my theory that Lady Gaga is the most disruptive force in pop music right now. (Important note: B rocks a plastic m16 while Lady GarBage rocks an anemic pistol) Ciara, Beyonce, Shakira, Rihanna, and even my dear Amerie are all falling prey to and imitating her crazy, lone ranger, weirdass B.S. Every new pop diva video I see is just trying to capture some of her wackass style.

The Bottom Line: Hot, soggy, smelly refuse

But Lo! Ask and ye shall receive, from Papa Pharrel no less. Shakira's new joint Did It Again is kinda awesome - both sonically and visually.

The Track
First off, I can actually make out the words. I know most of her songs are recorded in Spanish and then later rerecorded for us lazy American monoglots - but this is a big selling point for me as my Spanish has really fallen off. That said, it surprises me how manypeople don't listen to lyrics - legions of 13 year old girls have no idea what they are bumping on their iPods.

I'll defer to Nick for his thoughts on this incarnation of Neptunes production, but this is 'Pharrel Lite'. No Timbo-style acapella, just heavy synth with a light drumline/steel drum backbeat. I can dig it -- although would a little more knock have hurt? Afterall, isn't Pharrel the drum guy?

The video
Two words: Sexy Capoeira. I think the concept is pretty awesome, a sexy fight on a sexy bed with lots of cool flips. Haven't seen that before, so it is primo video material in my book. A bit reminiscent of La Tortura at points, and I liked that one too. Way better than coming out of a pool with a sequined mask and an aquamarine swimsuit. Inconsistency or 'artistic license' manifests itself in the form of the shower cutaways and the Japanese drummers. (Come on Fam, we all know those drums were from an 808 / tape loop.)

The bottom line
I dig it. Were I to assign a letter grade, it might fall around B+. Of course, I don't do that, so let's just go with dope.

I used to really dig Trey Songz, and his hook on this track is pretty sick; but it's hard for me to give a fuck about Drake or his verses. His flow is just OK - there's no edge or flair to it. Not to mention the thematic content of the song is fucked considering "the times we live in". If I had a tour bus, and said tour bus looked like a 'freakshow', I would not be whining about my tumultuous internal conflicts and struggles with success and fame.

The video is pretty boring too, no more than a vehicle for Trey and Drake's faces. Nothing actually happens, it's all just passing medium shots. But perhaps Drake said it best himself: 'Buzz so big, I could probably sell a blank disc'.

Anyway, I'm glad that 'mini-weezy' has been getting so many guest spots requests recently. It can only increase the chances that he'll record some stellar hits and that he'll get stellar production throughout. As it is, I feel like most of his present hits depend pretty heavily on Weezy/Young Money.

I dig the beat, and while the flow isn't nuclear heatrock or anything, I challenge you to be sad afterward. In any case, the video is cool and the keen eye will notice some key Pittsburgh architecture. Oh, and the girl? That's Nomi Leasure (go go facebook stalking powers)

OMC's How Bizarre was as Dylon would say, FIRE. The horns, the guitar, the proto-bootie dancing by an entirely caucasian crew (something only Monster Magnet was brave/foolhardy enough to emulate), this joint had it all. Compound that with frontman Pauly Fuemana looking like an effeminate Dracula, and you have one of the most memorable pre-hiphop songs of my misspent youth (and by mispent I am refering to my Dorito orange fingers and pasty white indoor skin).

I miss this stuff dearly, though I would not be caught dead with it on my iPod. A friend saw that I had Ace of Base on my joint a few years ago and I have yet to live that down. I guess this is the killer app that karaoke was designed for: nostalgia. How bizarre indeed...

Regina's new album Far drops on the 23rd, and Laughing With is the lead single. I know nothing about it, so I won't color my expectations with online press/junket crap. Instead, I will say I am super effing psyched. I loved her last disc, Begin to Hope, and I ended up getting all her previous stuff and seeing her live in Chicago back in 2007. I was a bit fanatical then. But hey, what's wrong with being a Regina Stan?

Laughing With seems to be a departure from the typical Regina. There is little if any dynamic range to the vocals and the piano track is way too smooth. You would never guess that this cute redhead was capable of ballbusting tracks like Flyin, Hotel Song, or Poor Little Rich Boy. Which actually brings up a sidepoint that some of her best tracks have very little piano in them at all. (Sacrilege, I know). And where is the catchy hook? Everyone knows a good lead single has to have a catchy hook!

I'm not saying I hate it, but I am saying it isn't what I was hoping for. I wanted Regina to come flying out of the gate like she did last time. Compare Laughing With to Regina's last lead single Fidelity. Fidelity is infinitely better, both acoustically and visually. It is an engaging song with highs and lows and a cute video to match. Laughing With is a downer with a boring video. Fidelity built up to a fun ending, while Laughing With ends just as lackadaisically as it began.

So Regina, I take back my comment from earlier this year back, you were never on my "shitlist", just my "come on release something already!" list. That said - I am praying for a killer second single. Laughing With is a weak effort and I know you are capable of something 10x better.

Ed Note: Moving sucks. I'm in the process of moving out and it is just a total mess. Selling furniture, putting stuff in storage, cleaning the place, paring down to the essentials - blah blah blah. The only joy I get is from tossing stuff in the dumpster. Obviously this is no excuse for irregular posting, but try to be sympathetic, ok?

Were any of you even ready to handle MObama coming in at 3:03? I nearly lost it people. We're talking a near miss.

Oh BTW, I'm officially on educational leave as of 4pm today and headed to the sunny beaches of Folly Beach, SC. I'll see all your broke asses in a week! ESTOY DE VACACIONES!

Chuck Season Finale
From the moment Chuck threw the first kick, Kirsten called it, 'Guys, I know Kung-Fu'. Cue her cheering and me groaning. It was a great ep - but if NBC axes the show, I won't cry too much. This is as natural an endpoint as any. We all knew Chuck would re-up with the Intersect, but who knew his dad was one too? Bringing Chuck's dad back as a recurring character and killing off Bryce is way too shark jumpy for me. Compound that with Devon knowing about Chuck's secret identity and things get sticky. Plus now Chuck is some sort of super autodidact? Too Matrixy. My opinion: lock all this shit down in S3E1 or just end the show now and leave people salivating.

Did you miss the ep? watch it here courtesy of Hulu:

The Cool Kids - Gone Fishing Mixtape
(Ed. Note: Neal selected The Cool Kids' Bake Sale as 2008 You Don't Suck Awards Music Winner)
The mixtape dropped on Monday. This is just the quiet before the storm (When Fish Ride Bicycles). You have to love how artists are using the lead up to their studio albums to drop free mixtapes full of even more great tracks. Peep Champions for a great piano beat and the updated Pennies remix for guest verses by Luda and Bun B. The tape is a little overstuffed considering the typical Cool Kids release is between six and eleven tracks. Of course, single artist 'mixtapes' regularly weigh in over 30 tracks, so whatever. Also take a listen to Hammer Bros. and Broadcasting Live.

House - S5E23 - Under My Skin
Great episode. The patient's skin sloughs off, House detoxes, and though I'll miss halluci-Amber... DO IT TO IT HOUSE! HIT THAT! Um, anyway, moving on....

Eminem - 3 A.M Music Video

Cold Garbage. I can't even watch the whole thing. The flow is terrible and the visuals are as trite as it gets. I'm not feeling any of the cuts I have heard from Relapse so far. I hope he's saving the best for later.

Swine Flu
What's the quickest way to get the pig flu? Twitter! Get it? It's a joke. (though not a very timely one) Anyway, this is about as much H1N1 as any blog post should have, so I'm done with that, and this blog post. BOOYAH!

This is where I should probably tell you about my predictions for summer jams. The thing is, I haven't heard a Hey Ma, Hot In Herre, or Izzo (HOVA) yet this year. Am I destined to spend my precious 4 days on the beach listening to Lady Gaga, Flo Rida, and (gasp) Jeezy!? If so, kill me now and spare me the horror. But, perhaps my musical sphere is just too small - I do live in a musical vacuum afterall.

So help me out here AudioShocker readers: What are your 2009 Summer Jam picks?

Need some more inspiration? This track, Would You Like To Ride, by Mr. West, Malik Yousef, and Common was my joint around... 2003 or 2004. The track is syrupy smooth and works whether you are cruising at 25, blazing at 80, or just standing still. Kanye stuck to the basics and relied on a few simple samples combined with a steady knocking beat. West's verse gives us a preview of the great wordplay we've come to associate him with, and Common just destroys Erykah Badu. If you weren't already up on this one -- act like you know!

Sadly, the video is trash - but real summer jams should be on the stereo - not your television!

But have you ever wondered what you could do with a pack of extra-large pingpong balls, some color filters, a couple friends, and a half hour of tape? Apparently Consequence and Rik Cordero did, and the result is this totally awesome (and short) music video for Buggin' Out 2009. I am digging the simplicity and crazy eye antics. Sometimes less is more people. (aspiring video directors take note!). And how do I feel about throwing back to an old Tribe song? I'll co-sign that too.

Want to see more lo-fi video classics? Check out Mjeezy in Emancipation (you'll have to use your auditory imagination since YouTube went all gestapo) or my onscreen debut in ETwo.

(Nick is totally gonna kill me for calling his stuff lo-fi!)

The Track: Let me be clear here. I fucking love the backbeat. Producers have been killing it on percussion recently. I could do without the baby voice as it reminds me a lot of Beyonce's Diva, but it isn't nearly as annoying here. At the end of the track, it drops out and then there is that "bop bop bop beat it up like a drummer" thing. Classic! It is a real nice touch.

Let's talk punchlines and lyrics. Ever since This Is Why I'm Hot, MIMS street cred has been under scrutiny. I mean, he is about as hard as Will.I.Am or Flo Rida. So when MIMS brings lines like:

When I roll up on you niggas like a ska-ter
Move if you wanna when you see that red la-ser
No matter how you move bet that infrared will chase ya
Then I keep it movin, homey see you la-ter

I have to close my eyes and pretend that he is someone else - someone who I perceive as being a more thuggish ruggish dude. Afterall, MIMS has more in common with hipster-hop than he does Suge Knight. But here is the real test: do I keep listening to it? Yes. It is a fun track. I'd pump this in my car now that the weather is breaking.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not address the whole "MIMS is jockin' Gillie Da Kid's flo" thing. I see where everyone is coming from, and MIMS does look pretty guilty. However, unlike Gillie, he amps it up and keeps the flo dynamic. I do not care for Gillie's seeming monotone. And another thing. It's not like Gillie invented the fast/slow flow. Busta Rhymes and plenty of other artists have employed it in the past.

The Video: Talk about simple. There is very little art to this video. I feel like it is a cross between something The Cool Kids would do and the moving dolly part of Will Smith's Summertime. Basically, we have MIMS sidescrolling through some street scenes with some random dancers on a short loop. It is an interesting take on the standard performance video, but it doesn't do anything for me.

The 3 second loop thing is kind of pointless. Maybe if there were some scratching on the track it would have made sense? And the twisting thing? Also stupid. For a lead single/video I expected something more kinetic - especially considering the title.

The Bottom Line: It's hot - feel free to turn up the volume (in your car).

The Track: While I always dug the beat, the Dream's crappy falsetto is just earthshatteringly annoying. I am so glad he reached out and brought in some of the game's best lyricists. Juelz, Luda, and Fab are masters of the punchline -- and getting all three of them on the same track is major. They really redeemed this otherwise wasted beat.

Fab spends half his verse referring to JayZ and Crime Mob before he pulls out something funny:

Let me drop a jewel on ya, put a rock in ear
Can I call you nana? cause you got that rockin' chair

Luda's verse is heavy on 'lovey dovy' crap instead of double entendre punchlines, but he makes an attempt:

The thought is sensational, it's perfect bliss
I'm ready to take the milky way to your hershey's kiss
You know my tongue's got batteries in it
The bedroom, we lose calories in it & start families in it

Ricky Ross' verse is short and terrible. It is all forced gov/president references, and they all fall flat.

But Juelz Santana cold shuts it down:

Call me Mr. Shoe- shine, baby I'm a polish ya
And I leave ya spit clean, I don't use no polisher

So get another shot of ciroc in ya
Cause I'm gon' be rockin' ya
Treat you like my first lady
I'll put my Barack in ya

The Video: What we have here is a hot tranny mess of style jockin'. This video is a less creative version of Kanye's Golddigger -- which of course involves the whole "couple guys and some models" treatment. The difference is it's the guys who are on the magazine covers, and not pinup girls. And whose idea was it to outfit Fab AND Juelz in  LouisV gear? That is way too much product placement! Oh, and is it just me or does The Dream looks exactly like Chris Breezy from the Freeze video?

And you know what? 'Rockin that thang' amounts to 2-stepping for pretty girls. Even Crime Mob threw in some poppin' and dippin'. This is about as involved as the dancing in a Shwayze video. Is it just me, or is club-style hiphop dancing getting really lazy? I mean Lean With It Rock With It,  The Stanky Leg, The Arab Money Dance... I think I might be onto something.

Finally, a general query for all of you out there in the blogosphere: is there a website/repository that lists video girls and what videos they have been in? I'm thinking of something like iMDB for music videos. It would give me another dimension for these posts.

The Bottom Line: I suppose that sometimes, guest spots can polish up a turd.

The beat is dead simple: knock and keyboards. It could be a little heavier (this is DipSet...) but it fits the track pretty well. I wonder if we're going to see a lot of YouTube freestyles over this one.

The video is fairly literal, and low budget - but isn't that exactly what a economically conscious video should be? Killa doesn't try to impress us with his acting skills either, he keeps it real. I totally buy that he doesn't really know how to conduct himself in a job interview. I also buy the idea that no one would give him any respect in a job interview, regardless of how polite he was.

And getting a job with a few priors? Cam knows it isn't easy.

I went in for an interview, for delivery
"Locked up, felonies?" now the dude's quizzing me
You working on my future, why you need to know my history?
All he did was Google me, no big mystery

Like I said, it isn't complex, but it is a good track. What IS a little more complex is the public's infatuation with Jim Jones.

In the last couple years, Jones' career has really taken off - but WHY? For some reason, guys like Yayo, Flav, Farnsworth Bentley, and now Jones - all former hypemen - get tons of airplay. And while I could sit here and philosophize about how I think he is aiming himself squarely at the frat demographic, instead I'll leave you with Jones' new video for Na Na Nana Na Na, which in addition to being the polar opposite of Cam's, just dropped as I was writing this post. (Jeebus, a Élan Luz Rivera cameo? She is just all up in my mindspace this week!) Enjoy.

Check out The D.E.Y.'s new video for I Need You. It's got three short vignettes and the track is just plain feel good. Look out for Obama's body double at 1:47! I'm digging it, and of course my thing for Élan Luz Rivera is totally unrelated. Check out Divine's MySpace page for some preview tracks off the album.

T.I.'s Dead and Gone blows. I know this is TIP's second collaboration with Justin Timberlake, but its soooooo boring. TLC (big up to Left Eye!) and Bone Thugs and Harmony did such 'cautionary tales' way better with Waterfalls and Crossroads.

Ludacris' Nasty Girl suffers from a Plies infestation, overuse of an old line from an old Usher track, and a thoroughly unimaginative video. Let's not even discuss the total lack of bass. I mean, what the hell Luda - a LACK OF BASS? You know better than to pull that horseshit. And Plies - the iced out 'goon' ski mask - are you fucking serious? I lack words...

Asher Roth's I Love College describes maybe one of my college party experiences. Most of the parties I went too were in someone's crappy basement with no girls. And after junior year, all the kids on Beeler magically stopped having house parties. It made no sense. I get that adolescent partying is an easy genre to exploit - but the whole thing seems about 6 years too late: American Pie came out in 1999 and Old School was 2003, you know what I mean?

Chester French's She Loves Everybody deserves a positive nod - but it is overly cutesy at the same time. Also, I am done with The Neptunes. I thought the girl was AudioShocker favorite Elisha Cuthbert for the first two spins until I looked closer. Still, personal prejudices aside, this video is the most original of the bunch.

Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You oscillates between performance shots and Kelly throwing stuff out a window. To be sure, nutty chicks like this are not my style. You don't fuck crazy. That is some sage advice for all of you out there. Anyway, if you want to see a guy get hassled by his psycho girlfriend - this is the video for you.

And I'm spent. Was it good for you too?

The Track: This beat is the raunchy 90210-esque love triangle of a thuggish ruggish hard knock beat, a baby-voiced chorus, and a broken violin. If it were just the percussion, this beat would be savage. I love the drumline sound mixed with the kick of the 808. But as it is, my brain can't process all three elements at once.

You've know how cocaine is often cut with crap like baby laxative? Well here the track is the yayo, (shoutout to John Forté who just got out of lockdown. Talk about stayin alive!), while the laxatives are everything else.

The entire idea of a thugged out Beyonce track always strikes me as mildly ridiculous (This is a stickup/ You see the mask/ I need them bags of that money). Furthermore, is there anyone who doesn't already acknowledge her diva status? I get the feeling that Beyonce is facing some sort of street-cred crisis. It's as though she feels that if she doesn't release tracks like this every now and then, she'll lose her ghetto pass. Well I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news B, but if you ever had a ghetto pass - it expired the day you gerrymandered Destiny's Child around yourself and Kelly Rowland.

And I call bullshit all over the chorus. Everyone I know who calls themselves a diva is a spoiled, bratty, twelve year old acting, daddy's girl. How can you compare that with being a hustler? Diva's are high maintenence. A hustler doesn't rely on anyone but himself.

The Video: Here is my impression of the director's pitch: "Hey B, I got an idea. Let's take your recent and wildly successful video and do it over again in a warehouse with some golden mannequins." Amazing, I know.

The director, Melina, has quite a few videos to her credit (Go Girl, Just Dance, Money Maker) - but at least half of them are stinkers (Sensual Seduction, Good Good, Green Light, anything by NeYo....) Curiously, she did not direct the Single Ladies video. Which begs the question: What the fuck, when did jocking Robert Palmer's marketing strategy become cool?

And while some artists release one video at a time, Beyonce likes to drop deuces. As we discussed on the podcast yesterday, this is probably just part of the split personality / Sasha Fierce thing. Release a soulful song (Halo) and a really in your face track simultaneously (Diva). I understand it, but I also understand saturation. Single Ladies is way more popular than If I Were A Boy, to the point where only one single can be relevant at any given time. This did not work so well with the last album either, when she released 4 videos at the same time and no one knew about 3 of them. Interesting experiment though.

Here is the thing, the black, the white, the dancers, the warehouse, the mannequins, the crazy angular outfits, those ridiculous sunglasses at the beginning, I can't take it! This video is an audio-visual cacophony. I'm all for art and high fashion and dancing - but, I think I prefer B at the end of the video:  jeans, t-shirt, and a ponytail.

The Bottom Line: When was the last time your diva ass had to hustle for shit B?

The Track: Remember Mario's Just A Friend from 2002? Yeah, well Freeze sounds a lot like it. I mean a lot. The vocoder is always unwelcome, but I'm starting to accept that it is not going away anytime soon. And, all gratuitous pop, lock, and droppin aside, the song isn't terrible. There aren't any good punchlines or anything, so I doubt this will be popular with any real heads out there, but perhaps the b-boys will like it. I mean, it is hard to criticize someone for telling you to get your ass on the floor and move it. Also, this is one of very few T-Pain joints not about strippers/strip clubs. I see that as an improvement.

The Video: This half animation / rotoscoping, half live action technicolor thing has me making comparisons to T-Pain's other recent videos Can't Believe It and Good Life. Personally, I'd like to see a little more originality and a little less of this three ring circus/top hat crap. The video is all dancers on glass floors, pastel silhouettes, quick cuts, and that weird 60's multiplier video effect. Of course, Chris Brown's major appeal lies in his dancing skills, so his presence on this record is pretty understandable. Overall though, I am unimpressed.

The Bottomline: A weak beginning to the 2009 Music Video season.

So, I branched out. I listened to the radio in the beat up company Jetta we drove to work. I spent time watching the D99FM music video channel. I've already told you about Belanova and how much I dig their track Rosa Pastel and Calle 13 / Nelly Furtado's cloyingly sweet yet saucy No Hay Igual. I discovered how much people in Monterrey love the Strokes and Robbie William's Rudebox. I also discovered Julieta Venegas.

Venegas' new album Limón y Sal was burning up the charts when I arrived. She doesn't really fall into the CFV category, as she is more pop than that. But her music is listenable, she makes a watchable music video - the eponymous lead single had one of those early 90s / REM style videos, and it kept me afloat in a sea of Shakira.

Venegas recently, (as in, 6 months ago) recorded an Unplugged session for MTVTr3s and I think it is worth a listen. The first clip is the lead single Limón y Sal and the even more catchy Eres Para Mi. This isn't mindblowing the way that Shakira's Unplugged performance was mindblowing (seriously, it was probably the best thing she ever did) - but neither is it 'world music' a la Toto. Just watch:

San Pedro Garza Garcia - the neighborhood I lived in was full of rich things: expensive cars, expensive houses, expensive restaurants, expensive shopping, expensive nightclubs (that threw me out once), expensive stripclubs (that I never went to), expensive bars that served you drinks by the liter, hookah lounges, etc. It is the richest municipality in Mexico -- if not all of Latin America, and I'll always assosciate Venegas (and unfortunately Robbie Williams) with those images and months. So today, as I sit around depressed by the economy and my shrinking bank account balances, I plan on firing up some Venegas and pretending it's still Dec 3rd 2006 and that mom just hung up on me again for telling her how sunburned I was getting at the pool.

I can't even begin to tell you how offended I am by this - both from a musical and cultural perspective - and I'm not even Muslim. I can't seem to find an 'official' video, so this YouTube 'video remix' will have to do. Seriously, autotuned Arabic? (it's not actually Arabic either btw) As if my day wasn't bad enough, I have to deal with this shit.

The dance instruction video is a bit apologetic and tries to explain it all away, but what the fuck? How do you even begin to reconcile this without going all Van Gogh? I'm sorry Busta, but if I am offended - something is wrong. Am I being overly sensitive? Is this not a big deal so much as a poorly conceived song? Either way, you need to get your act together Mr. Rhymes, because this is not acceptable.

The Track: Tell me you don't like Valentino's weeohweeohweeohwee cop call chorus thing. I love it -- almost as much as I love Weezy for NOT using a vocoder on this. That is huge for me. Maybe the vocoder is done for 2008? The beat is laid back and I'm actually pretty surprised this was not released as a summer jam, would have been big.

And the rhymes!! I can't hate - Weezy keeps it hot.

She know I'm raw, she know I'm from the streets // And all she want me to do is fuck the police

And after we got done, I said lady what's your number she said 911

Breakfast in bed turn into breakfast and head (this verse isn't in the video)

The obligatory negatory: Wayne has taken up an affectation that I am dubbing 'The Dorian Self-Laugh'; it was first brought to light by Dr. Cox on Scrubs. Zack Braff's J.D. did this stupid self laugh whenever he made a joke and no one else thought it was funny. Well, Weezy has been doing the same thing recently - after every. single. line. Other examples? Check T-Pain's Can't Believe It and Mike Jone's Cuddy Buddy. It's like the new delay double and I find it similarly bothersome. Hopefully, Mr. Carter will grow out of it quickly. However, given his repertoire of vocoder hits this year, it may be a while.

The Video: Hot cops may be cliche, but they make for an entertaining video. I mean who hasn't wanted to get it on with a Hot Cop? Ladies and Lads alike. It's the basis for an entire genre of porn. Frisking hot perps? I want to do that. Mugshot modeling? I've seen it before, but I still chuckled. 3 hot cop dancers and squad cars? Yeah, I can suspend disbelief. Obviously this isn't anything groundbreaking or new, but it's easily digestible fluff that I can watch it more than once.

While somewhat unrelated, I disliked that the 2nd video Comfortable used the same video treatment/model. I am of the mind that videos self contained packages that can stand on their own. But Comfortable is easy to ignore, so it's all good.

The Bottom Line: Perhaps this is some of that 'change we can beleive in'

Recently, the franchise has been making some odd choices when it comes to themes: Sheryl Crow, Madonna, Garbage, etc. Tina Turner's was the best in recent memory (despite the involvement of King Douche Bono). Still, I was a bit surprised to see two very different artists, Alicia Keys and Jack White, put together for this project.

The Track (guest track analysis by Nick): Jack White's searing electric guitar captures the signature sound of the classic James Bond theme while Alicia Keys' piano is a clever homage to Live and Let Die.

But the mastering on this song sucks. The vocals are like a lyrical dominatrix whipping the holy hell out of the backing track. It hurts to hear Jack White's whine and Alicia Key's shrill in unison. And the songwriting is a mess. Instead of being a fresh interpretation of a classic structure, Another Way to Die is erratic and discomforting.

The Video: Does anyone else think that Jack White looks like Johnny Depp's George Jung? The video tries to be all edgy but it just coming off super crappy. It's all blue and black punctuated with spurts of white and yellow ribbon. Perhaps it will look good with the opening credits montage? Also, what is up with A Keys eye makeup? It is eight types of overdone. (Just like this video)

The Bottom Line: Fuck me slowly with a chainsaw. I hope the movie is better than this video.

The obvious question is "what the hell took so long?" Really, we've had the technology to do this for at least 3 years and YouTube has been doing it foreverrrrr. Still, as if I needed another reason to not pay attention at work, I can now spend endless hours watching Queen and Tom Petty music videos. In order to properly honor this, I give you Europe's magnum opus - Final Countdown. Enjoy.

The Track: The Kardinal hails from Canada but loves that dancehall sound. I got real burned out on dancehall back in 2003 when Beanie and Elephant Man were doing it real big. I'm more of a gentrified reggae person and Kardinal's version is easy to digest. That said, I think he may be trying a little too hard. Even as the scion of Jamaican immigrants - Ontario is hardly the Caribbean Islands. You're steez is less beleivable than Yatismahu's.

Interestingly, there are at least three versions of this song, each with a different IT girl doing the hook: Keri Hilson, Rihanna (probably the best), and Nicole Scherzinger. The video features Hilson who honestly needs the exposure.

I'm about 50% on Kardinal covering Tide Is High. Blondie did a great job with it back in the 80s, but this is a little different. It will probably grow on me - but I feel a little betrayed to see my favorite 80s hooks used this way. What's next, Walking on Sunshine?

The Video: Remember Sean Paul's Get Busy and Like Glue music videos?  Kardinal is basically an even more accessible version of Sean Paul. I don't see much differentiation here. I'd even posit that Sean Paul and Beanie Man had better dancers. But, it didn't bore me.

Of note: There is a bonus snippet of Nina at the end. Despite my thing about double videos, I enjoyed its briefness and double entendre. Look out for the new Dr. Dre headphones in this video too. They are being placed in almost every new video right now. Lastly, I really really really hate Keri Hilson's haircut and the bleached bang tips. I can not handle that.

The Bottom Line: Not mindblowing, but a solid non-sucky performance.

The Track: First off, this beat blows. The high pitched baby voice thing is about 3 years too old and the slowjam tempo does not fit. Also, is Ne-Yo even on this track? He puts in maybe half a verse. Jamie Foxx's presence is an enigma. What is the point of an R&B singer featuring another R&B singer on his record? It works for rappers, (check Maino's Hi Hater Remix) but only because they have distinctive flos and styles.

Speaking of rappers, Fab must have received my note about the streets hurting for a new track. This is the second time in about two months that I have written about him and the second time he's collaboed with Ne-Yo. Sadly, the verse isn't exactly top notch pimp. It sounds like he wrote it in the taxi on the way to the studio.

And While I can't argue that having one's own money isn't important to me, you won't see me atop parapets shouting "my girl is financially independent and fiscally responsible!" I like picking up the check on a date. It drives me nuts when a girl wants to go dutch. Let me have the satisfaction of doing something positive after an entire workday of sloth and work avoidance. You can get the movie or desert afterwards if it matters that much. Also - I don't carry cash.

I mean it's great if she has her own loot- but don't let it define your relationship.

The Video: Hey, does this sound familiar: black, white, 3 dudes, and 4 models? Thought so. I am tremendously underwhelmed by the visuals. There is so little to talk about that I'm stopping right here.

Of note: Independent women Eve and Estelle stop by for a quick cameo. I can dig it. Really, when was the last time Eve came across as anything but an independent woman? And Estelle is pretty hot right now. She was nominated for the Mercury Prize you know.

The Bottomline: Hey Ne-Yo, if she's got her own, why don't you ask her to buy you a better video?

The Track: Luda says it best at the tail end of the track between shout outs to Chris Brown and Sean Garret: 'It's too easy'. He's right. The hand claps, knock, and syrupy flow have me sprung. The track reminds me of Nelly's E.I. mixed with Drop It Like It's Hot. I could do without Sean Garret's vocals. Oldboy should stick to producing - he's actually good at it.

Luda is big on name dropping - but it's part of his style. He owns it, just like how Agness Deyn owns that blonde pixie cut. Surprisingly, none of the punchlines are noteworthy. I didn't find myself running the track back to hear a line again. That is kind of unprecedented for Ludacris. I still like the track, but I am a little disappointed.

The Video: Luda's videos typically involve a lot of girls. More specifically, girls dancing, looking good, and being flirtatious. It adds to the appeal of the party and Chris Brown doesn't do videos unless he can show off his moves. Seriously, show me a video where he isn't MJing around the dance floor.

I know that all sounds dangerously close to Ryan Leslie's video, but Luda uses it. Sure, the girls are hot, but that's not the point. They are a mean's to a punchline, and the joke is on them. The speech bubbles give each girl a voice, but that voice is exactly what guys want to hear. The video portrays women with the mentality of an Axe Body Spray commercial.

Two more things - At the beginning of verse two Luda drops a line about girls wanting families and security. Look closely at the supporting bubble, you have to laugh. Also, the speech bubbles should really be thought bubbles.

The Bottom Line: Kind of mediocre - I encourage Luda to spend some time on punchlines. They are a signature part of his repetoire.

The Track: The beat is mellow and I'm all about that. Not every track needs wicked knock. I didn't like the synth at first, but I've really warmed up to it. The percussion is well designed too. Hand drums playing off a synth? Yes. Cassie provides the backing vocals, natch. She sounds a little flat and detached, like she's in a daze - perhaps that's the point? It's sort of hypnotic in its monotony.

Fab's verse had me hooked because of how it handles a pet peeve of mine. I have reviled name-dropping in the past, but Fab turns it around. He incorporates the names into the verse as punchlines and not just as obnoxious references. His lines get better and better: 'I got you Amy Winedout', 'I hop out the suicides looking so Cobain', and 'They come back want more grams, right back, like Lindsey out the program'. If that doesn't get a rise of out of your punchline meter, perhaps you should stop listening to hiphop.

The Video: The 'official' video is your typical 'white background' video but in gray. The treatment must have read like this: 2 guys, 4 models, all gray. The '2 guys and some models' concept is not new either. Schwayze did it. So did Lil Wayne and Lloyd. Remember Golddigger? SAME THING. There are plenty more examples. It's the buddy cop equivalent of music videos: you're not really sure if Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan belong in the same movie, but it's easy to watch and you're too lazy to change the channel.

The 'alternate' version of the video is fairly unremarkable except that it is in color. Alternate videos strike me as a sign that the album isn't going to stand by itself without being crammed with extras.

Remember George Michael's Freedom video? No one ever does stuff like that anymore, which is sad. It is the closest thing to a perfect music video I have seen to date. It had models, explosions, good set and costume design, new technology, replay value, and it wasn't just a taped performance!

The Bottom Line: Decent track, routine video. It happens.

The Track: The beat is courtesy of Danja and smacks of his mentor Timbaland - that is definitely a good thing. The song is basically Cassie saying 'i don't want to be a jumpoff, I want to be your girl for reals,' but it's insincere and pushy. If she's so tired, why doesn't she just leave? Even Keri Hilson (who belongs to the production team that wrote the song) knows the energy isn't worth it.

It is by 'label magic' alone that the super busy Lil Wayne found time to record a verse. It's not like he even needs the cash right now. (This has seriously been the year of Weezy F Baby) Sadly, if there was any chance of this song being salvageable, the vocoder towards the end crushes it like a boulder.

The Video: After about 20 seconds you will inevitably make the Aaliyah connection. I mean come on,The bikini top with the hair and the jacket and the black pants, who are you trying to fool Cassie? This isn't an homage - it's cheap imitation. The director, Chris Robinson has actually worked with Aaliyah before, so I'm a little surprised. Additionally, Cassie says in an interview "I've never seen myself dance like this before." What I infer from this is that you really stepped up your dancing game.

But I call bullshit. I've seen your other videos, so I have a good baseline. Dancing wise, the video doesn't bring anything new to the table. It's the same old moves from the same old Aaliyah videos of yore. If this is a 'new level' for you, I'm surprised Diddy didn't bounce your ass like he did half the girls from Making The Band 3! Lastly, the white bikini. Totally gratuitous! It comes out of nowhere and has no relevance to the rest of the video. You aren't near a pool, the beach, or even outside.

The Bottomline: Hear me out Cassie. You are a beautiful girl - but if you want to stay in the game, you need to learn to sing, act, or at least dance. They call you a 'triple threat' in Step Up 2 - but where is the supporting evidence?

Ne-Yo - Closer (Live)
Whenever I see Ne-Yo I can't help but think he looks like a less popular version of Chris Brown mixed with Djimon Hounsou. He does use a real band though and that's kind of cool. Dancers' outfits suck though.

Pink - So What
Homegirl is really in her element here. Pretty impressive that Hart agreed to do the video. I generally don't dig Pink - and probably will continue not too - but this video is alright. Great song to get drunk too. In fact, I think I might just go do that right now.

Cassie - Official Girl
Wow. So much to say, check out this week's full fledged review.

John Legend - Green Light ft. Andre 3000
The beat is wack, the hook sucks, and Andre 3000 employs stream of consciousness rather than structured verse - but god damn would I like to be at that party. It looks like a lot of fun. Especially if it's not your house.

Ne-Yo - Miss Independent (Live)
Ne-Yo's gimmick for this album is wearing suits. He also plays off the emerging trend of 'independent women' in hiphop. Apparently ballers no longer want to get with guap gulping groupies. Besides the obvious advantages of her picking up the check once in a while, a girl that gets her own cash might support you if your abum flops.

The Bottom Line: Pink obviously takes the gold this week - but I think I'll give John Legend the silver for a decent party scene.

Gym Class Heroes - Cookie Jar
I hope this is supposed to be a joke. The 'white background video' returns with a vengeance, a vocoder, and shitty synth line. If The Cool Kids are a bunch of lame scene kids - then what the eff is this? I just can't take any part of this seriously, not with homeboy's bull nose ring.

The Game - My Life (ft. Lil Wayne)
Game is such a drama queen. Is his life really that hard? Wait till the end where he smears a cross on his chest - in blood. Seriously, how effing into yourself are you? You are not John Lennon, Biggie, or Jesus. And who name drops Kanye twice on a track? As if that weren't enough, Lil Wayne rides shotgun with a vocoder. Weezy is giving T-pain a run for his money.

We The Kings - Check Yes Juliet (Live)
I've never even heard of these oldboys, but it sounds a lot like Panic at the Disco. In other words: they are probably popular, but not for any logical reason.

Solange - Sandcastle Disco
Solange is Beyonce's sister in case you didn't know. The song is pretty breezy - but hey, it's a song about a DJ, I expected as much. Yeah, this is a "white background video", but I like it more than others I have seen recently. Overuse of CG? Perhaps, but I dig the whole mod/60's thing. We both know this could have been done way worse.

The Bottom Line: The Game needs to stop feeling himself so much. He is no longer relavant in my musical sphere.

Donnie Klang - Take You There
First of all, who picks up girls in a liquor store? Second, this Puffy/Klang thing looks like it was specifically devised to compete with the Timbaland/Timberlake sound; it doesen't compare. Puffy, please back out of the music business and retire to being simply a celebrity. Readers, if you want to see a more accurate idea of how video would have played out, please watch The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down.

Morningwood - Sugarbaby
Haha. Morningwood. I love making fun of American Apparel wearing, gold digging, label whoring, hipster girls. The puppet thing is great too. This video is good for at least 5-6 viewings before I get sick of it - and that's saying a lot.

The Cab - I'll Run
This video is comprised of a band performance, long shaggy hair flying around, and some people making out in front of public transportation. There's no tension, conflict, narrative, and no running. Lastly, is the lead singer seriously rocking a non-skinny tie in 2008? What a fashion faux pas! Homeboy needs a new stylist.

Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes (Live)
Santogold is kind of like a skinny Macy Gray, with a simiarly hard to listen to voice. Don't even get me started on the leotard / jumpsuit outfit. I just can't get into her steez. Sorry!

The Bottom Line: Morningwood wins the gold medal for "least terrible video" this week along with a special commendation for actually being funny.

Miley Cyrus - 7 Things (Live)
Easily the best live performance ever on FNMTV. This is also 679 times better than the real video. Notice how Miley plays to the camera instead of the crowd and wears herself out from all the running around. I have to say, the girl has energy.

Hawthorne Heights - Rescue Me
Let this be a lesson that a Les Paul and a Flying V will not save your video (or band) from sucking. Basically, there is a crappy band with skinny ties and a girl playing Harry Houdini with technicolor stuff in the water. I'm not sold.

David Banner - Shawty Say ft. Lil Wayne
Basically... be nice to your lady and raise your kids. Otherwise, David Banner is going to sample a Lil Wayne track and then blow your lady's back out while you sit at home. alone. At least, I think that's the point - Banner mumbles a lot.

All Time Low - Poppin
Oh I get it. It's another video making fun of suburban white kids and their love of gaudy hip hop style and trappings. Isn't making fun of a cliche even more cliche? Also, this band blows. They sound like what garbage would sound like, if garbage sang and played instruments.

Miley Cyrus - Fly on The Wall (Live)
Miley, you were doing so well until this! I can't bring myself to say good things about this. In fact, I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't a B-52s cover. And the secret spy dancers? Come on, we all know you can't dance. (Of course, I can't wait to see the end of the battle on Monday)

The bottom line: It's kind of a wash, but Miley Cyrus still places above everyone else this week. Till next time.

The Track: Ok. Marco Polo, is that supposed to be slang? I don't get it. The beat is ridiculous and is basically a ripoff of Jibbs' Chain Hang Low. The speed up/slow down chorus isn't helping either. You might be tempted to call it 'call and response,' but I'd like to propose something different: retarded.

Bow Wow's last few singles have made it clear that he can't carry a song by himself. What's worse is that the current hiphop climate enables and encourages this. To his credit, Bow Wow does put up two verses to Soulja Boy's one. Soulja Boy's delivery is weak and borders on monotone at times. How this kid got a deal is beyond me. He seems content to just shit all over the track and call it a wrap.

Marco Polo is a cut and dry brag track, but it does have a couple comical lines.

Went to the mall and I blacked out / Now my closet full of J'z like a crackhouse.

This is not the matrix, but I am the Oracle. Do you want to get me with me? The question is rhetorical.

Of course there are plenty of poorly conceived lines too. 'First one to put ice in a G Shock' So you put diamonds in a cheap plastic watch. How does this make you a baller? S.O.B. cause girls love the initials. last time I checked, being an SOB wasn't sweet at all.

There is way too much name/brand dropping on this cut. I think rappers need to cut back, or at least stop promoting the same gaudy shit. Louis Vuitton peaked in the 60s. Oh, and 'the next Will Smith'? Sure. Whatever you say.

The Video: Basically, Bow Wow and Soulja Boy are doing community service cleaning up a beach/pool. They get bored and decide to have a 'tween beach/pool party. Marco Polo is a pool game so, that's how they tie it back to the track.

The connection is tenuous at best, and it certainly doesn't help that no one is actually playing Marco Polo. More importantly - when did Marco Polo become Peekaboo? And the subtitles. I think this video was made for illiterate, man-babies who need something to watch while Blue's Clues is on hiatus. The video girls are cute and all - but I can tell that this video is definitely for the teenage set. The whole thing reminds me of a 15 year old's MySpace inspired fantasy.

I've said it before, but Bow Wow really really really wishes he was T.I. He is jocking his style way too hard. He's even trying to copy homeboy's body language. Honestly, If I were T.I. (or T.I.P.) I would have to sue. Soulja Boy on the other hand is just the newest member of the 'how stupid can I look on camera club'. The sunglasses, the backpack, the board 'shorts'. If you ever want to be taken seriously - wear clothes that fit. I can no longer tolerate dress sized white T's, beaters, long shorts, and other ridiculous fashion choices. I know Bow Wow can dress better - he used to hang out with Omarion for chrissakes!

Oh, and speaking of jocking styles, when did Bow Wow start thinking he was Mike Jones? The phone number at the end was genius self promotion - but how could you rip that off 3 years after the fact?

The Bottom Line: Soulja Boy sucks. Bow Wow can't do a solo track. This video is an embarassment to hiphop.

Danity Kane - Bad Girl
Diddy's girls make a mockery and tries to cash in on the comic book movie trend. Missy Elliot drops a verse too. Oh, and there are some costume changes that go by too fast to appreciate. Mannequins have more personality than these ladies.

Bow Wow - Marco Polo
Wow. I have way too much to say about this - so I'll save it for this week's full length music video review. Watch out for that early next week. short version: trite unrepentant tween garbage.

Chromeo - Momma's Boy
This is a 2008 update of A-Ha's Take on Me with a vocoder and without the falsetto) Not sure I dig the thematic content though. Seems a bit too Elektra/Odepius.

Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Live)
Hey TPC has anyone ever told you that you're like a really shitty version of The Shins combined with The Strokes?

Chromeo wins the award for least terrible video this week.

Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up (Live)
OMFG it's Hanson! No wait, it's a non-girl-looking version of Hanson that wishes it was Maroon 5. As usual, this live performance is kind of half-assed. Watch the real video instead. It's stupid, but Danny Trejo is in it for like 3 seconds. That dude is awesome.

Nelly - Body On Me
Uhm... Did Nelly and Ashanti get back together? Am I that out of the loop? Didn't he crush her and she was doing late night drivebys or something? Either way, this is a pretty low impact video. Akon's voice is nearly tolerable for once too. Nothing special or even that flashy here. Surprising considering the whole thing takes place in a casino.

Shwayze - Corona and Lime
I won't comment on how ridiculous Shwayze is as a concept. You can read the artist bio yourself. The video is funny enough though. It's a little California Girls and a little Weird Al. That said, these have to be the whitest and least freaky deaky 'video-hos' ever. You could take this video home to mama or show it to your 8 year old.

Slipknot - Psycho Social
All I know about Slipknot is that they have a lot of drummers and they like masks. Both were present and I think I saw a tympany too. There is some stuff on fire - giant paper mache heads I believe. Who writes the treatments for these videos? If I were a record label exec I would be thinking, "My toddler's nightmares are more creative than this."

Lesley Roy - I'm Gone, I'm Going
Only two words to describe this: CHUBRIL LAVIGNE.

The Track: When I realized this was the track from the Verizon commercial I've seen at the movies for the last 2 months, I almost shut it off. But I lingered. It turns out the worst part of the song is that keyboard intro before the bass really drops in. The beat is courtesy of The Runaways and not Timbaland. No guest verse, no vocoder, no screechy notes, no skits, no dance breakdown, none of that stuff. It is listenable, and so far, I haven't noticed the severely flawed logic present in other current hits such as Danity Kane's Damaged. Love it or hate it - prepare to hear this in the club all effing summer long.

The Video: Whoever wrote the treatment for this video watches a lot of HBO. This is Million Dollar Baby meets Flashdance meets The Pussy Cat Dolls. Confused? There is boxing, a wardrobe stolen from Jennifer Beals' closet, and wet hair / dancing that reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. Perhaps she rubbed off on Keri during the Scream shoot?

It probably went something like this: Ok, We'll dress up Keri in something totally backdrop-inappropriate and she will alternatively spar and makeout with her trainer; he must have tattoos. Oh - she knocks some other chick out too, and at the end she gets ugly highlights and leaves.

Keri's silver tapsuit (is that what it's called?) is as ridiculous as her interpretive dancing/voguing, and I swear I saw some Happy Hands Club choreography in there. It was kind of hard to watch this without wanting to laugh. Hilson does look good and is clearly doing the damn thing, but I'm not sold.

The Bottom line: Energy is better heard and not seen.

LL Cool J - Baby
Mr. Smith brings the ennui with a vocoder chorus, weak rhymes, terrible attempts at dancing, graphic Ts, and endorsements of drunk driving.

She and Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward spin us a macabre acid trip with a subdued soundtrack. She gets axed a few times, there are some sort of Pacman-esque ghosts, and then I'm not sure what happens. It sort of kills me to watch this since Zooey is capable of so much better.

Daughtry - What About Now: 90 Second Preview
Is this supposed to be a PSA or a reimagining of Van Halen's Right Now? Either way, it's so boring that even MTV could only stomach 90 seconds of it.

Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Live)
Zooey Deschanel doppelganger hops around in a short floral print jumper singing her crappy song. Nothing to see here folks. Seriously.

Rihanna - Take a Bow (Live)
I can handle the song and the lackluster performance, but the haircut is maddening. She looks like Halle Berry from the early 90s - and that's not meant as a compliment.

T.I. - No Matter What
This whole thing seems really out of place. T.I. is at the top of his game right now - so why is he doing with a track that belongs on a comeback CD? T.I. needs to be doing more Big Things Poppin and less stuff like this. The track and video are boring and about 10 years too early.

No Age - Eraser
The first 2/3rds of the song is an extended intro instrumental without any depth. The remaining 1/3rd is incomprehensible and visually obscured by a fog machine, lights, and transitions. A huge whooshing waste of production dollars.

Day 26 - Since You've Been Gone
Jagged Edge and Blackstreet weren't what I would call originals in the realm of R&B, but they had their own sound. This song smells way too much like them though. Diddy, you need to get right and figure out what you want to do with BadBoy. Also, graphic T's are so over - is HipHop really just waking up to them?

Maroon 5 - If I Never See Your Face Again (Live)
The best thing that Adam Levine ever did was the I Ran SNL video with Andy Samberg, while Rihanna's last decent video was Shut Up And Drive. I really miss the razor sharp bob she had going before. This performance is 8 types of crap. And Levine should chop 'em off already - it'd be a lot easier than the falsetto.

The Track: Nelly is no stranger to songs about fashion accessories or shoes, ie Grillz and Air Force Ones. He also has a good working relationship with Jermaine Dupri. A recipe for success right? Well it's a recipe, that's for sure. The track sounds like a LOT like Grillz - minus knock. I suppose I should appreciate his dedication to a particular subject and being able towrite an entire song about it, but I can't. Downright trite and derivative I say! Singing a song where half the lyrics read like a Jordan's catalog exhibit's neither talent nor creativity.

There is no point discussing the outlandishness of the message here either. Obviously there are worse things than scuffing your $200 Nikes. But, to put it in perspective - if I were 16 and had just spent $200 on new shoes - a scuff would seriously fuck up my whole day.

Right after Ciara's verse, Nelly throws back to J-Kwon's Tipsy and it totally made my day. All the lyrical genius is stored right here: "patent leather #11's we call 'em Space Jams," "a spare off in my car just in case I catch a scar" That is what I expect for a top tier artist like Nelly. Sadly, 15 seconds of genius isn't going to make up for the other 4.75 minutes of crap.

The Video: What possesses a man to write two songs about Nikes? Most likely a lot of free shoes. Perhaps Nelly can give SJP some tips. Homeboy is decked out in Jordan gear from head to toe. It borders on shameless label whoring. The video is a commercial for the cult of Air Jordan. If you like Jordan's you'll probably like it, and if not (like me) - you won't.

The scene with the dude in the Celtics Jersey may not seem funny, but it is probably the funniest part of the video. That or Dupri's ridiculous glasses. Nelly doesn't exactly excel at comedy the way someone like T.I. does.

The turning point is when Ciara shows up, out of nowhere, and reminds us of her important contributions to hiphop. Namely, her excellent dancing skills and smoking' hot body. Is she dropping an album anytime soon? The last one was pretty good.

The Bottom Line: I'll watch anything with Ciara in it.

Lil Mama - I'm What It Is (Strike a Pose)

Old skool rope chains, T-Pain sans vocoder channeling the pied piper, and Missy Elliot style antics make for a pretty kid-friendly video. I wouldn't hesitate to show this to an 8 year old.

Boys Like Girls - Thunder

The band members all have similar haircuts to other bands, they sing slow and deep at first and then jump up an octave to belt out the chorus. Flashback / performance videos like this are boring. If I want to relive getting drunk in high school and doing dumb townie shit... I'll look out my window at the douchebag highschoolers on summer vacation.

Shawty Lo - Foolish (Remix)

DJ Khaled has never been on a decent track, so this was doomed from the beginning. Morever, what self respecting rapper wears a beater when he has a gut - and for that matter CAPRIS? I'm not even watching the rest of this video. 39 seconds in and I am over it. I won't even mention that Baby, AKA The Birdman, drops a vocoder verse.

Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

This actually did not suck. The whole thing reminded of a Wes Anderson movie- but one that didn't suck. In fact, if all of Wes Anderson's stuff was this short and pithy - Nick and I might like the guy a lot more.

Duffy - Mercy (Live)

I don't know much about Duffy, but her voice is definitely an acquired taste. I can get into the track, but I'd like it more if it were by another vocalist. ZING! Other than that, this ain't much to write home about. Here is the original video.

Lil Wayne - A Milli (Live)

It's no secret that I'm not a huge fan of Lil Wayne's recent records - but apparently he gets crowds hype. And really, how can I disagree with that? If you can rock 'em right, you must be doing something right. He did race through the song though - he was def in a hurry to get out of there.

That's it ladies and gents. You don't have to go home - you can stay and comment here!

The new music videos are linked below along with a very brief synopsis. Honestly, I disliked all of these videos enough that I won't waste our time with full length reviews.

Flo Rida w/ Will.I.Am - Ayer
Will.I.Am and Flo Rida do a club track with a crappy hook - in a bank. At least it's not about strippers this time. Of note: the video girls are not up to par; I posit this video was done on the cheap - ironic considering the setting.

The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go
It's basically a younger (blonde) version of The White Stripes. Remember Seven Nation Army? Yeah, this is just like that. Seriously, track and video.

Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up
Carmit, Kimberly, Ashley, Jessica, and Melody - I totally get it. You wanted to be famous sooo bad that you smeared on fake tanner, took dance classes, and did a lot of crunches. And look, you totally got it! Now you get to dance in the background and compete for screentime while Nicole sings! Sofa King Great!

Snoop Dogg ft. Everlast and Willie Nelson - My Medicine
Hey Snoop - didn't Nelly have a country crossover hit back in 2004 with Tim McGraw? Aren't you a bit late to the party? Snoop is a pimp no matter what medium he operates in. This 'country' track is no exception. I have to give him cred for attempting this, but "I'd like to dedicate this record right here to my main man Johnny Cash - a real American Gangster" Are you effing serious?

Panic at the Disco - That Green Gentleman (Live)
A live performance is hardly a video - and I am fairly ignorant about this group. So, I looked up the actual video. WAY BETTER. I don't dig the track, but the video is totally watchable.

And the coup de grace: Snoop Dogg and Panic At the Disco - Gin and Juice
E P I C   F A I L. This is as pointless and brand damaging as Snoop's shortlived TV show. I know, I know, MTV sort of created you - but did you take a bloodoath or something requiring you to do whatever they ask?

In any case, Ray J's new video for Gifts drops this week and guess who has something to say about it.

The Track: The song itself can be summed up pretty easily, this girl has nice humps and is rather adept at working poles. Perhaps it is obvious, but Ray J would like to stick it to her. I can certainly appreciate the sentiment. But seriously, when is hiphop's obsession with strippers/stripclubs going to end? I'm not sure this is how we should be spending our stimulus checks. Additionally, how uncreative is 'gifts'? My humps introduced a new phrase into the lexicon - gifts does nothing for me.

Regarding the beat, I dig it. I'm not sure it's a club beat, but maybe it'll get remixed. If you take your beats with brutal knock you may want to sit this one out. The vocoder is a bit excessive and I could do without it, but there's no escaping it these days.

Something that surprised me was the absence of a guest verse. I was really expecting another lame wannabe like Yung Berg to lay down a short 'me too' verse. Considering the ubiquity of guest spots on today's hiphop records, I am actually pleasantly surprised. I like it when an artist pulls off an entire song by himself - so kudos for that.

Ray J is all about making accessible music for people who don't really listen to hiphop. While I was on vacation I was reminded of how many people ignore hiphop lyrics at the club. If that is you, this could be your new summer jam.

The Video: It is official, I am sick of the "white background, widescreen" video. Jay Z, this is your fault. It may be easy to film, but come on - how about some production value, a little bit of spectacle.

The video combines the following: hot ladies, dancers, an entourage, a few high priced accessories, and an official 2 step. This may have passed for a cool minimalist video a few years ago, but not today. I need a little more than this to hold my attention. I need visual gags, punchlines, and a shot of at least one car.

There are no strippers in this video. The girls we see are definitely not strippers. Most songs with references to strippers at least have some suggestive booty dancing. This video has a 2 step - which is one step removed from swaying back and forth. In fact, the girls seem to be included only because without them it'd be a sausage fest. This video is all about showcasing Ray J and his post-Kardashian / Sexy Can I image.

Lastly, like any artist Ray is proud of his record sales. Unlike other artists, he seems to be exceptionally proud of his digital downloads and presents us with a large plaque. Apparently he has sold over 500,000 copies of Sexy Can I online, primarily to 13 year olds and sorority girls no doubt.

The Bottom Line: It's Pop-hop. Plain and simple.

I decided that my old video rating criteria was kinda weak. So, instead of the usual beat, video, content, and vocals, I'm going to break it into the track and the video. I'll still cover the same stuff, but organizationally this is simpler.

The Track: This is the 'get hype' track to play at your next blockparty or Friday night pre-game. Instead of club knocking body thumping bass, the percussion is all tablas and bongos. The beat is courtesy of the Hitmen - in case you were wondering.

Vocally, Busta is at his best when he speeds up his delivery. As with Touch It, he varies his flow between slow, fast, soft, and loud. Unlike Touch It, there is no verbal trigger ('Get low Bust' and 'Turn it up!') signaling the change; Busta's flo is like a sine wave with its crescendos. I noticed very little, if any, namedropping - which is pretty rare in hiphop these days. The flipside is that there isn't much in the way of a killer punchline either;  'I keep a smile on my face but carry the Bushmaster!' is about the best I heard.

The Video: First of all, Spliff Star is still around? WTF? Seriously, Busta - dude has been in like every one of your videos but gets ZERO rhyme time, and he looks like a turtle. Spliff must be the most patient hype man ever - its been over 10 years since we first saw him.

Anyway - this video is seriously all about 'what else can we get Busta to put on?' Homie rocks no less than 5 different hats, 3 wigs, and 6 different outfits. I bet dude has bespoke suits from Saville Row too. The newscaster wig and the King Kong outfit are hilarious.

The treatment for the video went something like this: We'll take Busta, Spliff, some unrelated sets, a trailer full of ridiculous outfits, a camera, the entourage, a couple ladies, and a fire hose and let them go wild for a few hours. None of the vignettes relate to each other. I think the director had five or six mediocre ideas and decided to film all of them even though the song was only 3.5 minutes long.

Touch It had the same basic video with more girls. Maybe Busta feels that the music video is becoming less and less relevant? More importantly - what do you think?

The Bottom Line: An accessible party track with an unrelated video. 3 out of 5 potential heatrocks (if I had such a scale)

Alicia needs to write more songs like this. It's light and breezy, totally unlike like some of her other tracks (Karma comes to mind). For a little while, I have been worried that Alicia was incapable of writing a song without  devastating heartbreak somewhere along the way.

Now, I could break it down for you AS style (beat, video, content, and vocals) - but that would really just be a waste of time here. We can take it for granted that: A Keys can sing, her songs have great thematic content, and she has an excellent production team. That leaves one thing: the video.

AK claims that the video was inspired by School Daze. As I noted in this week's podcast, I'm not really familiar with most of the Spike Lee canon - so that doesn't mean much to me. But, after watching this video I may have to see it.

The video is basically a backdrop for Alicia Keys to play dress-up. That said, I have not seen A Keys look this good since that collabo she did with Usher. The big gold earrings? Awesome. The black mermaid dress? Amazing. And it doesn't stop there - a little pink lipstick and Ms. Keys goes from classically elegant to seductive and sultry. Outside of a photoshoot - this is arguably the best that Alicia has ever looked onscreen. (Sidenote, is it just me, or does A Keys look a little like Sasha Grey with the blue eyeshadow in the scenes where she's on her bed?)

The big thing that distresses me about A Keys is telephones and side conversations. This video continues Alicia's ridiculous habit of featuring phone conversations in her videos. It is totally superfluous and serves no purpose. This theme is present in no less than 4 of her videos.

The Bottom Line: Alicia Keys does pop music and looks good doing it.

The first Wiz Khalifa track I ever heard was Pittsburgh Sound and I dug it. Youngin' on his Grind was kinda ehhh and I believe Nick did not feel it either. I don't think Wiz is as inspired as JayZ or anything - but I like that he reps the 412, how he refers to PA as Pistolvania, and that he produces his videos locally on a small budget (or so it seems).

Now then, I currently live in PEORIA, ILLINOIS - hardly a hothouse of hiphop talent and certainly not a trendsetting market for music. Last week, I heard a new track that sampled that ridiculous Alice Deejay techno-pop song Better Off Alone. Imagine my surprise when the DJ came on and said "Hope you liked that new joint by Wiz Haleefa." I nearly crashed my car!

I raced home, flipped up YouTube, and briefly mourned upon discovering that DJ was in fact telling the truth. So, try to stay calm - I'll break it down for you with what I like to call: The AudioShocker Method

The Beat: I'm not sure what posessed Wiz to choose this beat - or why it is getting airplay. I know the economy is in the toilet - but listening to music from 1999 isn't going to reverse the recession. This track is not a viable economic stimulus package. In short: too much synth, too little knock. This is inline with last week's Usher video.

The Video: Like I said earlier, Wiz's videos always look really amateur. Whether that is a label issue or a personal preference is unclear - but I don't mind. I have a strong feeling this was taped in Pittsburgh. The tip off? None of these girls are good dancers, so they couldn't be professional video hos.

The 'around the world' concept was good - even if it was entirely green screened. I really enjoyed the part with the British Guard getting down. It rips off that Fergie video, but I'll let it slide. Also, the astronaut doing the moonwalk - PRICELESS! That sealed it for me.

My only real gripe is that in a city FULL of Indian women, the casting director couldn't find 4 for the India segment? I swear I saw a white chick in there somewhere. Or maybe that was for the Middle Eastern portion. Either way, poor casting.

The Content: Another song about making it rain on girls in the strip club? I'm really getting tired of this. Where are these strip clubs that have good looking girls? I ask, because Pittsburgh is not one of them. The chorus is weak and the verse is devoid of new slang or funny references (both extremely important in my book). I feel like I have already heard every joke and punchline in this song before. You know, in every one of those other songs about strippers and the rain dance.

The Vocals: Wiz doesn't have much in the way of a unique style. He lacks a distinct sound that you would immediately recognize and associate with him. Maybe he just needs more time in the game.

The Bottom Line: Wiz regurgitates tired thematic content over an ill-chosen beat and presents it with a rough around the edges - but entertaining video.

Usher just dropped a new video: Love In This Club, perhaps you have heard of it. By now, you should be familiar with our criteria: beat, video, content, and vocals.

The Beat: When I first heard this, I thought I was listening to the world's worst house / trance / techno / whatever track. The piano doesn't fit and either does the dance breakdown. While it screams "remix me a million times", I can not get into it. Yeah may have been the last good beat that Usher had - and that was a Lil Jon production!

The Video: Usher really must dig Jacksons, because this is not his first mini-movie music video. The concept: Usher hallucinates some cute girl in an empty club, parties with an bunch of celebrity cameos, does a little dance, and then magically she's gone along with the club and he's standing in a pile of rubble. Yup, totally ridiculous. It's kind of like the Usher Raymond version of Thriller - only the girl is in control, there aren't any zombies, and there is no redeeming or comedic value to it.

The cameos were irrelevant and homeboy jocs Kanye's style. The sunglasses, the black leather jacket and outfit - all stolen from the Good Life video. Of course, Kanye cosigns with his cameo, so maybe it isn't a big deal. The video overuses lens-flares more than the new Danity Kane joint and has an orange cast to it. Also, what is with the chains that the girls keep giving out? I don't think that is ever explained.

On the positive side, the video doesn't rely on product placement or slow closeups of iced out watches. Although, there was a great opportunity to plug Louboutin heels that went unutilized.

The Content: I won't spend time on the chorus because there is nothing to say, though I will take issue Jeezy's mediocre verse.

'Bout to hit the club make a movie yeah rated R... blah blah blah something about being a trap star.

Jeezy, you really couldn't find something to rhyme with Rated X? I've been to weddings with more scandalous dance floors than your average R-rated movie.

Also - 'on the floor' of the club? Have you ever looked at the floor of a nightclub? It's gross. I'm fairly sure if you stare at the floor long enough you'll contract the clap.

The Vocals: Does anyone really dig Jeezy's flow? I do not. Usher could have gotten a much slicker MC to do the verse. I vote for Young Joc. T-Pain's Bartender may have the Vocoder Virus - but it was infinitely better than this.

The Bottom Line: Seriously Usher Raymond, what the hell? This is by far the worst track I have heard this year. Crappy beat, ridiculous chorus, bad verses, poorly lit and photographed video, etc etc etc. The list just keeps on going. I'm sorry to hate so much, but I can't help it!

Have a different point of view? Tell me all about it below!

The Beat: I didn't like Blue Magic. I don't like this beat either and both were produced by The Neptunes. I think Pharrell keeps the best beats for tracks where he gets a video cameo. I am remarkably unimpressed by this beat. It is too acid/downtempo (well, minus some of the bass). This shit belongs in a darkly lit lounge. And speaking of darkly lit...

The Video: Who shoots an entire video in the dark? Whatever the significance, it is lost upon me. Why even bother shooting a video if you can't see it? Even Bjork videos make more sense than this.

The Content: According to MTV, 'Jigga's not just an obsession -- he's an addiction.' Ok, I get it: JayZ's music/lovegame is so fresh that this girl is straight fiending for it. The punchlines and metaphors aren't top notch - but they don't depend on namedropping either (which is good). The sexual/addiction angle is well applied and tame enough that it won't be mutilated by radio.

The Vocals: JayZ has a great delivery and can ride beats exceptionally well. It is well documented, and I can't clown it at all. Remember the Gray Album and how awesome that was? Yeah, me too. However, Jigga's delivery is out of place here. The whole thing sounds like an extended guest verse on someone else's track. I am not feeling it.

The Bottom Line: The merit of the verse is overpowered by the mediocrity of the beat and unwatchable video. Maybe someone will remix this over another beat and it'll sound better. The only good track/video off this disc so far has been Roc Boys (And the Winner Is).

The Beat: The intro piano line sounds like it was stolen from a daytime soap. Fortunately, it doesn't last long and Timbaland promptly dispenses a Promiscuous Girl grade beat. The subtle synth line works really well against the snaps. Are you dancing yet?

The Video: Whoever styled this video has a great sense of humor. The elevator girls are well cast and the 'hood rat' has the best facial expressions. The dancers look like they got lost on the way to a Sir Mixalot / MC Hammer video shoot. The whole "Elevator" thing is funny without being overdone; Aerosmith would be proud. And did you catch the GMILF at the end?! Negatives: a little too much product placement (watch, Gucci bag, iPhone etc), celeb cameos (Rick Ross and like every other dude from MIA) were extensive, and too many shots of Flo Rida's lame tattoo.

The Content: Basically Flo Rida is saying that regardless of what kind of girl you are. Golddigger, classy dyme, or hood rat - he can do you right. Does this sound like well worn territory to you? It is. Every rapper has one of these "I love all types of women" tracks. Remember Girls Girls Girls by JayZ or E.I. by Nelly? The major difference here is that Flo doesn't use punchlines - just pop culture references like "drop that top model body."

The Vocals: Flo can't ride a beat like Nelly or JayZ, but, I'll take homeboy over Akon, T-Pain, or Hurricane Chris anyday. Also, his delivery is pretty clear.

The Bottom Line: The hook is simple enough for your grandma, and maybe that's enough to make this track a hit. A great video certainly can't hurt either. Enjoy this one.

Missy's new combo Ching-A-Ling / Shake Your Pom Pom just hit, and since I'm feeling prolific this week, I'll give you the breakdown for both videos.

Ching-A-Ling

The Beat: The beat doesn't do it for me. I am not a fan at all. It is not worth explaining further.

The Video: I was a little concerned at first. The video starts off looking like a hip-hop Gap Ad: dancers wearing bright colors in a white room. However, the choreography does not disappoint. The spider/shoe thing is something you don't see everyday and is reminiscent of Labyrinth. Missy keeps it fresh.

The Content: Has Missy made a track that didn't revolve around her ass or shaking it? I don't think so, and that is fine with me. 'So fresh and clean you can call me Irish Spring," is a pretty campy line. Missy is all about cheesy punchlines.

The Vocals: The chorus is annoyingly catchy. Additionally, the whole thing sounds muddy. The punchlines get lost in the delivery - not her best.

Shake Your Pom Pom

The Beat: This beat is so hot I can't handle it. I'm a sucker for the drums. I immediately started thinking of Naughty by Nature.

The Video: F I R E. Booty dancers doing it right. I want to be at this house party right now. Seriously, where is it? I will turn that shit out.

The Content: Another song about dancing and booty? Why not? The song doesn't describe a specific dance like Walk it Out, Flap Your Wings, or Crank Dat. Instead, Missy focuses on getting down. This is an important distinction and Missy doesn't drop any new slang (besides the title itself) or innovative rhymes.

The Vocals: The vocals are really loud on the track and Missy's voice is assertive but not overpowering. I really dig Missy's delivery here. She uses a kinetic flow that almost no one even attempts that these days. It sounds kind of like Lipstick by Lil Mama. My only issue is the weak chorus.

The Bottom Line: While Ching-A-Ling has a decent video, it does not have the appeal of Shake Your Pom Pom. Ching-A-Ling is for serious Missy fans. Shake Your Pom Pom is much more accessible and would make an excellent -if short- addition to your workout mix.

10. Basketcase - Green Day - 6th grade was a crazy time full of self-loathing and the noxious whiff of puberty. Sound familiar?

9. No Diggity - Blackstreet -This may have been one my first experience with booty dancers. It looks like they jacked Boyz II Men's wardrobe for this video, but at least they weren't sporting shiny suits.

8. Du Hast - Rammstein - Years before assclowns like SlipKnot were getting airplay, there was Rammstein. Tell me this doesen't make you want to run into the street and slap a fat kid.

7. Glycerine - Bush - I feel like I could have put ANY Bush track from the first album here. The video might be 'simple' by today's standards, but this used to pass for a decent video 10 years ago.

6. Wonderwall - Oasis - Joke all you want, but I know you own this CD. I used to listen to this on gray rainy days. Seeing as how I grew up in Pittsburgh - you can imagine how often that was. This video went straight from MTV to VH1's Pop-up Video. If that isn't indicative of its massive popularity, I am not sure what is.

5. Where It's At - Beck - It does not mean much out of context, but 'I got two turn tables and a microphone' was like a warcry in 1996 at my middle school. I was really straightedge at the time, so I imagined that this was what getting high was like: a bunch of poorly lit unrelated vignettes.

4. Virtual Insanity - Jamiroquai - OK, maybe you saw this one coming - but god damn was this a cool video. Admit it, you wish you had thought of this. It also won the 1997 MTV video awards for 'Breakthrough Video' and 'Video of the Year'.

3. Criminal - Fiona Apple - I didn't understand this one when it came out, but then again, I didn't know what the term "strung out" meant either. The video is rich with color, and except for Fiona's high-waisted duds could easily be confused with something more recent.

2. Who Sucked Out The Feeling - Superdrag - FUCK I love this song. Back when 'Buzzworthy' meant something on MTV. This video requires no additional justification.

1. Ride Wit Me - Nelly - While it came out in 2001 and is not strictly speaking a throwback- this is an amazing video and Nelly's finest work ever. Country Grammar and E.I. were also heavy hitters - but they had nothing on this. Fast whip? Check. Video hos? Check? Posse? Check. This video has it all. This was the standard by which I judged all other videos for at least five years.

Think you've got a better list? Leave us a comment below and maybe we'll talk about it on the next podcast!

The Beat: I like it, plain and simple. The piano plays well off of the backbeat. It won't win a Grammy for production - but it's catchy and has replay value. Will you be humming this tomorrow after 4 listens? Possibly.

The Video: Light, breezy, and its got a motorcycle! What is not to like? I think they are even partying in a pool at the end. How cool is that? (I haven't seen that since Mandy Moore's breakout Candy)The video suits the song pretty well, so it is pretty hard for me to fault it. Bedingfield looks a lot like Kristen Bell in this video - and I sort of dig that. Our favorite reader Ro noted that the video-guy is "very very hot," and lastly, could Kingston rock a larger chain? It looks like he has a gilded UPS box around his neck.

The Content: It's a love song. No deep metaphors, no witty punchlines (even from Kingston), or anything similar. While I like my songs to be witty, this is pop music - not a Common record. No major complaints here.

The Vocals: You would think that a video that shoots 3/3 would have no problem making a slam dunk right? WRONG. Natasha, this little pop package was perfect until you had to go and wreck it with a Vocoder. Granted, Bedingfield's offense is a minor misdemeanor compared to T-Pain's felonious rapsheet , but it was totally unnecessary.

The Bottom Line? An otherwise very decent pop video is marred by the pervasive Vocoder Virus. If the Vocoder is not a deal breaker for you than this is pretty decent pop music; refreshing considering our last video review.

That's all I got. Keep it gully.

The Beat - The beat is more abrasive than a Gobi Desert sandstorm. I honestly had to stop listening to the song after about 30 seconds and take an Aspirin. The track was produced by Bloodshy & Avant, the same Swedish gents that we can thank for such gems as Toxic and Me Against the Music.

The Video - This video consists of 4 things in rotation: Britney, video girls, paparazzi, and tabloid covers. The video girls are not even remotely relevant, but I suppose it's not a pop video without them. Sidenote - Is there a union for video girls? Britney sports a post-Sabrina Melissa Joan Heart look which seems a bit out place. This video is remarkably forgettable.

The Vocals - Using a Vocoder is a crime and I hereby sentence Britney to 25-life! (That goes double for Cher and triple for T-Pain). What is up with producers and the Vocoder? There is not a single second of this track that is vocoder-free.

Please support our Vocoder Boycott. We can stop the industry from cramming over produced, untalented garbage like this into our ear holes with our wallets.

Content - The song itself can be summed up in the following statement, 'Yall wish you were as popular with the media and paparazzi as me. However you are not and I am, so stop hatin!' In that respect, maybe there is some witty truth in the opening line, 'I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17'. Then again, Britney has a line about trying to be a good working mommy and being unique or something. That is funny since she is filthy rich and everyone in Hollywood is preggers. Fuck, even Jessica Alba has a baby bump now.

The bottom line? If this were a Paris Hilton video I could easily write it off and move on. However, this is Britney Spears and I expect more from my pop stars. Cowgirl up and entertain me Britney - because this shit doesn't cut it.

The track itself is pure A Keys. The snapping and the slow beat are both well utilized. Vocals are on point, the chorus has this strained feeling to it, and the doubles aren't overdone either. A Keys makes sad sexy.

Video wise, Alicia has never looked better. She has this neck vein popping during the video - I'm not sure if she is really feeling the song or what, but I dig it. The straight hair? Yeah, I'm aroused. The only product placement in this video is the (Nokia?) cellphone - a recurring element of Key's videos.

Common, the most overexposed dude in hiphop after Will.I.Am, plays the male lead in the video. Are they dating or something? She was in his new video too. I think this all started with Smokin' Aces.

The Verdict? HEATROCK! I am putting this into heavy rotation on my playlist.

That said. Omarion with facial hair? Bow Wow in a vest trying to rock a T.I. style? What the hell is that all about? And, video girls a full foot taller than either of these two kids? That is so far from realistic, even for a 'tween' aimed hip hop video.

I mean, it's got to be hard to be in the hip hop game at 5 ' 7", but damn. Even Mario rocks girls his own age/height in videos. I feel like Bow and Omarion are dating their older sisters when I watch this. Does that creep you out too?

Look out for some crazy moves by Omarion. Dude looks like he has to pee during the whole video. Also, I think this video should really have been released by O - with Bow listed as a guest/hypeman. Homie lays down one verse while Mr. Grandberry carries the entire track. That is fucked up. Let's give the You Got Served star some credit!

I think it would be fair to say that Umbrella by Rihanna has a pretty wide appeal. It features a guest spot by Jay-Z, a fun beat, and well... Rihanna covered in silver paint. Critics may harp on the jarring chorus - but people also still dig the Macarena. The point is, the song is great for the treadmill, twerkin at the club, and generally rocking out.

The problem? Mandy Moore decided that she had to cover it over at Yahoo Music. Have you watched this shit? Is she seriously using a house band? A guitar? Does she really have her eyes closed as she tries to emote so passionately into the mic? Why does she have the video on in the background? The whole thing looks like some crap taped in 1998 when RealPlayer was still a big deal and you could get 60 million in venture capital without a viable product.

Pay attention to the intro, Mandy doesn't even seem that into the song. It's her favorite song 'of the moment', and she's 'not a big Top 40 sort of listener'. Oh Mandy you forgetful lass, your first single Candy was top 40 music! You owe all your initial success to the pop charts. Way to turn one of my favorite summer jams into a pile of steaming crap Mandy.

My open appeal to Ms. Moore: Stick to funny TV cameos with your boyfriend of the minute and romantic comedies. The way your wrinkle your face when you say "You can't deny how melodic this song is," is too good for this silly attempt at a music career. Please Mandy, step away from the mic and back on screen.