But remember -- just because these songs are free doesn't mean that you can use them for whatever you want! These songs are only for personal use and not for public broadcast of any kind (including other podcasts) without consent from Nick Marino a.k.a. Nik Furious a.k.a. me.

Anyway, these downloads are now available because I've decided to leave iTunes and Amazon and release all of my music for free from my website. Click here for more about my decision (and find out what you can expect from Nik Furious in 2012).

*For more about our new Podcasts page, as well as our updated About section, stop back here on Sunday, January 1st, 2012.

Exhibit A

For a long time, I really prided myself on my thorough-going ambivalence to The Radioheads. By the time I was aware of their presence on the pop music scene (via friends listening to "Creep" or those animated videos from OK Computer) I understood to write them off as "whiny post-grunge opportunists" and "tools of the corporate hit-making apparatus." So even tho OK Computer came out at a time when my susceptibility to such things should have been quite high (I was a sophomore in high school), I never even bothered to listen to the album straight through.

In fact, I made it all the way through college (when Kid A and Amnesiac were released to massive accolades) without ever listening to OK Computer all the way through (though I did give at least cursory listends to the aforementioned smash electronica hit albums). It wasn't until I went to graduate school for the first time (Fall 2004) that I finally listened to OK Computer straight down (due in some part, I'm sure, to the fact that one of my roommates that year was the aforementioned Dan, whose favorite band The Radioheads are). To put it succinctly: I didn't realize what a good band Radiohead was until Coldplay came out.

And then Radiohead did their whole In Rainbows thing, which liked more for the "pay what you want" model of its release. The album itself was pretty lame, and I was sad to read/see interviews where the band talked about how much they liked it (I thought Hail to the Thief was way better). But it was nice to see some anarcho-socialist principles in play with an album self-released outside of the accepted corporate-driven control structures of pop music, with consumers empowered to pay what they believed the content of the album to be worth. And some of the tracks were fine.

But now, with The King of Limbs, we're back to paying standard-issue fees for digital versions of the album ($9? Get out of here...). And Radiohead have proven themselves as just another pop band churning out singles (see the above video), not really interested in pushing forward their music stylistically, or continuing to sit on the forward guard of the new music market. Oh well. A band that was pretty interesting there, for a few years, is boring again. Yawn.

The glorious stanza is this one:

His bony beird wes kemmit and croppit,
Bot all with cale it wes bedroppit,
And he wes townysche, peirt, and gukit.
He clappit fast, he kist and chukkit
As with the glaikis he wer ouirgane.
Yit be his feirris he wald have fukkit -
"Ye brek my hart, my bony ane."

Pretty evocative. Fuck Yeah! There's another classic stanza in there was well, in the history of racy verses:

Quod he: "My kid, my capirculyoun,
My bony baib with the ruch brylyoun,
My tendir gyrle, my wallie gowdye,
My tyrlie myrlie, my crowdie mowdie,
Quhone that oure mouthis dois meit at ane,
My stang dois storkyn with your towdie:
Ye brek my hairt, my bony ane."

According to his Wikipedia entry, Dunbar is also a forefather of printing the word "cunt" as well, but I really think that both "tyrlie myrlie" and "crowdie mowdie" (especially the latter) are better.

I fell into a kind of stupor entering 2011, and one of my apparent New Year's resolutions was to allow Culturology to slip into an unannounced hiatus. But we're back, because of developments on the scene of nasty novelty rock that we here at AudioShocker just shouldn't let go unnoticed.

Back in the Fall of 2006, having spent the previous two years living in Boston, I found myself back in Pittsburgh for four months. Nick and I took full advantage of my time there, not only getting Dirty Weekend back together for an epic reunion show at the 31st Street Pub and recording fine demos of two new songs, we also recorded a handful of new tunes under our The Frank Sanchez Band moniker. When the ghost of Frank Sanchez occupies our bodies, Nick and I can sing some pretty filthy things. But I should touch on one other thing...

Going to college in the first years of the millennium, certain cultural experiences were pretty standard for the course, and two that I associate pretty closely are 1) Watching CKY videos (CKY2K coming out just in time for my and Nick's freshman year of college) and 2) Listening to songs by Boston's cock-metal favorites, Anal Cunt. Maybe because there was an AxCx song in CKY2K. Anyway, it was mostly for their track titles, which were super-offensive, but occasionally, one--looking back--must admit, made one chuckle. "I Got Athlete's Foot Showering at Mike's" is a classic. I don't think I watched CKY stuff very often, or ever listened to these songs very much, but they were out there.

So, when you come to record vulgar variety songs of your own, you tend to be aware of your influences. My biggest influence was Nick (I think my own song-writing was safely of the lonely nerd novelty genre, until he coached me along the Way of the Dirt), and his influences were... I'm not even sure... 2 Live Crew, certainly... and, Rod Stewart, I guess. Bill Cosby? But never did we say to ourselves "Let's record songs like the kind Anal Cunt makes."

Fast forward to 2010. Those 2K6/7 Frank Sanchez songs have been up at MySpace for nearly half a decade already--and listened to about twice a year. And Anal Cunt has just put out a new album. Anal Cunt, presumably, still has the strong following of shock-giggling teenagers that they've had since making the scene back in the late 80s. The Frank Sanchez Band, thankfully, goes mostly unnoticed there on the ol' internet. So, without further ado, I present two you two exhibits:

EXHIBIT A: The Frank Sanchez Band - "Fuck Yeah" (2006)

EXHIBIT B: Anal Cunt - "Fuck Yeah" (2010)

Listen to it here.

As much as I want to take some kind of credit for this--that one of the 49 listens of "Fuck Yeah" on MySpace was by Anal Cunt, and they were like "great idea,"--the moral is, mostly, that there are only so many ideas to be had out there in the world of offensive rock music. But we got to this one first. And then, thankfully, retired. (Like Frank Zappa would say, "they're just words," but after a while, I think most of us get tired of them...)

And though this guy is an industry insider, his claims seemed to genuinely be coming from the perspective of a lover of music. So his sadness at the democratization of music via internet-enabled music sharing and publicizing comes because this new system is not producing music that he thinks is good. Goodness, as I've discussed in the past, is an impossible thing to peg down, but it most boils down to having a justifiable rationale for believing that something is good or not. This is how, for instance, I can still respect Nick even though he likes terrible movies; generally speaking, he can say why he likes a thing, or I can more or less estimate, based on various trends I've witnessed across the past decade, why he thinks what he thinks is good.

So here's our industry insider's problem: like many people his age, he learned/decided what goodness was during the hey-day of 70s album rock, and his idea of goodness involves a band being able to sell out an arena, and greatness involves being not only able to sell out said arena, but also to be able to do that for several consecutive nights. And arena rock is perhaps, a true victim of the internet. Since bands (new bands) don't make that leap to arenas anymore, since they don't get enough fans, since fans, thanks to the internet, have too many choices between too many bands.

The basic argument goes like this: once upon a time, several major record labels had the machinery and infrastructure in place to give a band a chance to record an album, to disperse that album to several million fans over night, and then to put that band on a national or global tour, playing shows in front of tens of thousands of people every night. This system then generated enough capital to fund the putting on of the band's next album-tour extravaganza. Without the money generated by the music industry, bands cannot be as good as they used to be, because they can't afford good equipment, studios, engineers, or even the time to properly record an album and then take it on tour. And the bands that do manage to be good, despite their lack of resources, do not play shows to sold out arenas. If you don't play shows to sold out arenas, you are not great. Thus, we can only, in contemporary times, have nostalgic outings to arenas to see the great bands of yesteryear, as they remind us that once upon a time, there was a time called the 70s, and the 70s were great.

It's a similar argument to one that's also being had amongst book-loving people about what the role of the big publishing houses should be, and to what extent independent and especially self-publishing systems should be trusted and utilized. The music industry, even this outsider would admit, treated most of its acts like machines and commodities. But is this abuse of our popular musicians worth it in order to make the best possible music? Will indie labels and the internet ever produce any arena rockers? Certainly, independent record labels now have the infrastructure in place to nurture and support relatively large and popular acts, but is it at the sacrifice of the epic awesomeness of an arena show? Can the indie methodology continue to scale up? Should it?

I had a moment yesterday, having finished doing some work that felt good, where I flashed onto my on-going self-imposed famine from most things American-pop-cultural, and allowed myself some serious self-congratulation. Partially because I have not for a moment been bored since removing regular internet connection, television, newspapers, magazines, comics, and radio from my regular on-goings. Also, since the beginning of August (since coming over to Berlin), I have been living without a personal music-listening device. I have music on my laptop, which I listen to regularly when in my room with my laptop, but I have neither an iPod nor a portable CD player. I, as has been documented here before, have never had an iPod--remain fervently anti-Pod--but up to this point in my life, since first receiving a Discman for Christmas when I was 12 (along with a boxed-set of Weird Al Yankovic's music to that point (up through "Jurassic Park")), have always had a personal CD player handy, and have always traveled with one.

But, it turns out that the technology that facilitates my anti-Podism is backwards compatible! I so despise iPod culture that I've decided to do away with listening to music on ear bud headphones while doing any of the following activities: flying, walking around, running errands, riding trains, subways, and buses, or using my laptop in public places. This has worked out pretty well so far. My biggest test were two 13 hour train rides to and from Budapest. But never has a 13 hour train ride felt so short!

These devices have their upsides, I admit, and there's definitely been moments where I've wanted to hear music that I would have had with me had I bring CDs along, but don't have since I don't have their .mp3 representations on my laptop. And for sharing music with others, the devices are nice (that's come up a couple of times now). And, for instance, the other day I went and saw Black Mountain play, and they were incredibly awesome, so I would've liked to buy their new album, but I didn't have anything here to play it on! So maybe, some day, I will break my fast from these devices, and use them (again or for the first time), but with an increased awareness as to how unnecessary they are. I think everyone should try this. Since when were we supposed to constantly be able to listen to music anyway?

I don't really like to be this self-congratulatory, but I guess it comes along with the territory of being a cultural elitist, and especially being a cultural elitist with a long-running and multi-variegated series of acutely incisive bursts of cultural criticism (har har har). I need someone like Weird Al to show up and parody this bullshit for me, cut me down a peg or two.

favorite line: 'Put it on your hose"

Recovery is available 6.21.2010!

Since this isn't a real music video, I'll reserve my usual negative comments. I'd just like to note the following: the dad squeezes the nipple on the baby bottle, he throws his daughter's tea service on the ground and spikes the mini piano - that cracked my shit up. He may be a balding actor and this may be a ridiculously shameless use of 'swagger' & autotune, but it's also funny. If I were Puff, I would be pissed -- not because these guys were jocing my video concepts from 15 years ago -- but because they'll have more success with it in 3 months than he has in the last 15 years.

(WHERE MY MOTHER FATHERS AT?)

Really, where to begin? The American flag cape. Dancers + band in spacesuits. Overdone sing-songy vocals (plus autotune) that try to make her sound younger/ditzier than she really is. Did I mention the half-assed robot-arm swing in there too (these guys totally trumped Bieber's shitty road crew, which is impressive)? A total inability to sing/dance at the same time. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Oh, and the lyrics are basically a string of urban dictionary entries. Why is this girl popular? Not mention, the single came out during the summer, what is she doing on SNL NOW?

The laser light thing -- that actually had the potential to be cool. But instead of using a theremin, which would have been 400% gangster, we got a lame party laser. That was the last straw. I mean really, how on earth is autotune more gangster than a theremin?!

I did a little wiki-research and it looks like this Ke$ha girl's initial 'breakout' was doing the hook on a Flo-Rida's even crappier cover of You Spin Me Round? There was a big long page of credits and history, but the main references that hit me were: Paris Hilton, Katy Perry, and Pitbull --- hardly musical relationships that I would consider worthwhile.

So, excuse me while I don my hater hat and pass judgement here: Ke$ha, this was a bad performance, a bad song, and bad in general. To quote a recent meme from b-school: you need to GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

Looks like I was wrong. Soldier of Love drops Feb 9, Act like you know.

Anyway, today's video, courtesy of a functioning VEVO, is Calle 13's La Perla, featuring Rubén Blades. It's a great song, and the video is low impact - but scenic. If you can't enjoy this then... well i don't know, but something is clearly wrong with you. It's chill. And for what it's worth, it did win a Latin Grammy. Enjoy.

First and foremost, I can't get the site to work. I know it's in beta, and it just launched - but this is unacceptable. The launch was way too hyped for 2nd day performance to be this sluggish. I can't get any videos to play and the search functions are for shit. I can't even access a Beyonce video - apparently it's not authorized for my region. Pray tell, what region is licensed if not the U.S.? Also you have to access the site using the www prefix (which is redundant). That might all be minor nitpicking, but this whole thing is a joint venture with Google. Superstar uptime and IT are sort of their thing. Operational Fail.

And does this website even need to exist? I am totally comfortable watching ads on Hulu - and even on AOL or MTV when watching music videos, but where is the added value for me? All I see is value in aggregation, and maybe fewer broken video links in the future. But, reinventing the wheel, breaking everyone's current YouTube embeds, and promoting the site seems like a large outlay for small potential profits. Also, couldn't this have been defined as a new category of videos at Hulu (they have movies and tv right now) or even YouTube as opposed to a whole new site? Why not leverage Hulu's great brand image? I understand this involves a different set of parties, but I think this could have been done better. Oh wait - it totally has been:

MTV's implementation (which has an open API) of a music video streaming site is much better, and it launched last year. The design is infinitely less abrasive and offers all the same favorites, review, playlist, and social networking features that VEVO is promoting. And, they have a large (though not exhaustive) collection, including most current pop hits. The videos are easy to embed and most importantly, the site works. Booyah.

I imagine that Google / the labels will work the bugs out pretty quickly, but right now VEVO is a No-Go.

Actually, that isn't all - what the hell is RiRi wearing? Ha-HA!

The Track: Garbage. So far everything I have heard from this 'era' sounds the same. I think the beat could have been better used for something else. Gaga's inclusion is pointless play for relevance and she fails to add anything to the track. Bey is capable enough on her own, why is she bringing another 'diva' in the mix. Isn't that why she left DC in the first place? I don't get this, the same way I don't get why she did that other track with Shakira. Finally, I know I've said it before, but why does B keep trying to appear gutter glam? That's like Bill Gates saying he really digs the open source model and that he uses Plan 9. More to the point, it's not like anyone other than the Jigga Man has the remote possibility of a chance. Such a ridiculous and unbelievable tease.

The Video: Hype Williams done lost his mind. White, black, epilepsy inducing editing, a multitude of hyper color toy guns, Abu Grahib esque hoods, dudes with camera lenses for heads. Hype was clearly tripping off some Terry Gilliam Brazil / Time Bandits nonsense.

I mean check it out for yourself, it oozes excess and hubris. The whole thing is visually jarring for the sake of being so. Then again, taken as a leading indicator, we could be finally pulling out of the recession.

The video and inclusion of Ms. Disco Stick reinforces my theory that Lady Gaga is the most disruptive force in pop music right now. (Important note: B rocks a plastic m16 while Lady GarBage rocks an anemic pistol) Ciara, Beyonce, Shakira, Rihanna, and even my dear Amerie are all falling prey to and imitating her crazy, lone ranger, weirdass B.S. Every new pop diva video I see is just trying to capture some of her wackass style.

The Bottom Line: Hot, soggy, smelly refuse

But Lo! Ask and ye shall receive, from Papa Pharrel no less. Shakira's new joint Did It Again is kinda awesome - both sonically and visually.

The Track
First off, I can actually make out the words. I know most of her songs are recorded in Spanish and then later rerecorded for us lazy American monoglots - but this is a big selling point for me as my Spanish has really fallen off. That said, it surprises me how manypeople don't listen to lyrics - legions of 13 year old girls have no idea what they are bumping on their iPods.

I'll defer to Nick for his thoughts on this incarnation of Neptunes production, but this is 'Pharrel Lite'. No Timbo-style acapella, just heavy synth with a light drumline/steel drum backbeat. I can dig it -- although would a little more knock have hurt? Afterall, isn't Pharrel the drum guy?

The video
Two words: Sexy Capoeira. I think the concept is pretty awesome, a sexy fight on a sexy bed with lots of cool flips. Haven't seen that before, so it is primo video material in my book. A bit reminiscent of La Tortura at points, and I liked that one too. Way better than coming out of a pool with a sequined mask and an aquamarine swimsuit. Inconsistency or 'artistic license' manifests itself in the form of the shower cutaways and the Japanese drummers. (Come on Fam, we all know those drums were from an 808 / tape loop.)

The bottom line
I dig it. Were I to assign a letter grade, it might fall around B+. Of course, I don't do that, so let's just go with dope.

My point is, the last time beatboxing got any real exposure was that wackass freestyle from She's All That or in that Rock Your Body joint by Justin Timberlake. And while JT may have potential - it just becomes a caricature of something great when some kid from a boy band does it (i.e Dick In A Box vis a vis Color Me Bad). I know (repeat from yesterday's podcast, yea yea) that if I approach some kids on the block and ask them what they know/like about beatboxing, some kid will start spitting raspberries into his hands. Contrast that with something like B-boying which is way more popular now then back when Breakin' came out --- or rap. Any kid on the street will tell you how much work rapping is - the streets is tough and all that - but that's it.

So, Neal, are you going to shut up soon? What are you really trying to say? I think what I am trying to say is, my boy J. Stone (NYC STERN CLASS OF 2010!) still has respect for beatboxing AND has fun with it. Perhaps you should check him out. He's been doing this for a little while, all over the world to boot. If that isn't your thing or you are looking for something a little more lowkey/alt, peep his roommate (and fellow Sternie) Corey J.

J. Stone (beatboxing) vs. Diwon (MPC) Live at Shemspeed Sukkot Party @ South Paw

Yes, I did just use a whole post to plug my personal agenda and classmates. It's my blog - deal with it!

I was unaware for example, that you can cover anything you want without permission. Yes, you have to pay some license fees whenever you record, perform, or otherwise 'act' it, but this is an established process and honestly, no one really enforces the live performance part you are actually successful (or U2 (BTW, fuck U2)). Personally, I think this is the bee's knees. As part of the gospel of Scott Sandage, covers and interpretations are an important part of musical evolution. Without them we'd be spinning our musical wheels so to speak, wearing the groove but not much else. Not to mention the power a cover has in connecting an entirely new audience to an older song (i.e. The Fugee's cover of Roberta Flack's Killing Me Softly)

Contrast this with sampling. You can't sell a record without sample clearance in most cases; as a result many great songs end up on unmarketable mixtapes. What does that mean for the artist? Less creative freedom. What does it mean for the consumer? Less choice. Of course, there are plenty of stinkers that come out of sampling. The Diplomats catalog is proof enough that some 80's Rock and R&B tracks needs to be left alone.

Printed works seem to go in reverse. You can write a book that lifts entire passages from another work as long as you properly cite the source and don't claim that it is your own original work. And you can sell your book, without paying the cited author anything, as long as you followed the correct citation protocol. However, you can obviously not rewrite the original work in your own hand and sell it. (Note: do not hand in a paper written by someone else, cite your source, and expect to get an A). While this is the basis for all plagiarism, comparatively few cases are ever pursued in the music industry, (outside stuff like the Vanilla Ice vs. Queen thing or the Milli Vanilli debacle).

Granted, my analogy is less than perfect, and my underlying arguments are based on a 30 minute conversation that I had while sick with the Stern Flu - so be still your raging heart - misinterpretations/totally wrong things may have been made or said. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am below.

Regardless, what I find so interesting about this, is how these essentially opposite use schemes have allowed both music and literature to grow effectively. Where else is that true?

Unrelated but still cool: Tomorrow is the first day of the the A3C Hip Hop Festival in Atlanta. The schedule of performances is here. If you are down south, I would recommend going - since I can't. I think you can still get cheap(ish) tickets online and around.

I used to really dig Trey Songz, and his hook on this track is pretty sick; but it's hard for me to give a fuck about Drake or his verses. His flow is just OK - there's no edge or flair to it. Not to mention the thematic content of the song is fucked considering "the times we live in". If I had a tour bus, and said tour bus looked like a 'freakshow', I would not be whining about my tumultuous internal conflicts and struggles with success and fame.

The video is pretty boring too, no more than a vehicle for Trey and Drake's faces. Nothing actually happens, it's all just passing medium shots. But perhaps Drake said it best himself: 'Buzz so big, I could probably sell a blank disc'.

Anyway, I'm glad that 'mini-weezy' has been getting so many guest spots requests recently. It can only increase the chances that he'll record some stellar hits and that he'll get stellar production throughout. As it is, I feel like most of his present hits depend pretty heavily on Weezy/Young Money.

I dig the beat, and while the flow isn't nuclear heatrock or anything, I challenge you to be sad afterward. In any case, the video is cool and the keen eye will notice some key Pittsburgh architecture. Oh, and the girl? That's Nomi Leasure (go go facebook stalking powers)

OMC's How Bizarre was as Dylon would say, FIRE. The horns, the guitar, the proto-bootie dancing by an entirely caucasian crew (something only Monster Magnet was brave/foolhardy enough to emulate), this joint had it all. Compound that with frontman Pauly Fuemana looking like an effeminate Dracula, and you have one of the most memorable pre-hiphop songs of my misspent youth (and by mispent I am refering to my Dorito orange fingers and pasty white indoor skin).

I miss this stuff dearly, though I would not be caught dead with it on my iPod. A friend saw that I had Ace of Base on my joint a few years ago and I have yet to live that down. I guess this is the killer app that karaoke was designed for: nostalgia. How bizarre indeed...

Dear Hot 97,

As a recently returned New England-expat, I was very excited to listen to Hot 97 in my car again. I remember how you brought the heat, musically speaking, and kept me up to date on hiphop. Without a doubt, Hot 97 was the only radio station qualified to serenade my ears. Hot 97 was a shining oasis in a sea of Prophet,  Clear Channel, and short playlists.

You may notice my use of the past tense above; it is intentional. The Hot 97 of today, is rather different from the one I used to listen too in high school and during college breaks. Apparently today's playlist was a unending loop of 3 Drake/Young Money tracks (Best I Ever Had, Every Girl, Successful, and now That One w/ MJB). For every six times I heard Drake, I heard maybe one JayZ (D.O.A), Wale (Chillin), or even Kid Cudi (Day and Night - the techno remix no less) track. (ed note: for those of you regular readers, you may notice some similarity to/overlap with this week's Culturology. I can assure you that I drafted this at least a week before Pete last logged into WordPress)

Now, I understand Drizzy and anyone even remotely affiliated with Lil Wayne is a hot commodity these days. I also know that you have to give the people what they want. I've even begun to accept the rapid decline of hiphop thanks to youngsters like Soulja Boy and ignorant fools like Shawty Lo. I get all that. I know that radio has a lot to do with money.

But when did you allow jackass Weezy et al to outright buy your playlist? Last I checked, blatant over the counter payola was illegal. And, how on EARTH is Fab's Throw It In The Bag track your #1 on the midday countdown? Clearly the streets are not being represented. Anyone with even half  a brain knows that the last track Fab did with any semblance of 'heatrock'ness was Breathe. Additionally, does Miss Info provide anything that her blog does not? I don't want to hear celebrity news during my midday forays into the city, all I want is hiphop! And another thing, how about a little old school RnB in the morning - give the kids a little taste of where some of these killer samples came from. I don't mean the 90's, I mean Chaka Khan's Through The Fire and Robert Flack's Killing Me Softly. There is (was?) an independent station in Rochester (whose name I don't recall since it's been 5 years) that does this amazingly well. Seriously, drive your asses to Rochester for some dope ass radio.

Obviously, I can get my musical fix via alternate methods, but I maintain that radio is the purest form of in-car entertainment. Additionally, my iPod was stolen the week and my car can't handle XM, so throw me a frickin' bone here. Moreover, I want to like Hot 97, it has a storied history of world premiers and exclusives. I value that and good programming. As they say, variety is the spice of the life. So let's put the heat back in Hot 97!

Sincerely,

Neal - AudioShocker.com

Granted, radio is hardly relevant beyond one's car, what with the internet and all. But you get what I'm trying to say right? On another note, I'll be out of blog range until the 21st. Peace!

I wouldn't say so at the time--it's entertaining enough, and I like talking about music, etc, don't get me wrong--but there's something inane about the iPod listening-conversation game. (And it should also be mentioned that this particular iPod behavioral pattern is still way better than the let's-constantly-tweak-the-playlist-and-fuck-around-so-we-never-even-hear-a-complete-song game. This particular play list was all hip-hop, which is fine too, and brought up the usual kind of conversations about hip-hop that you'd expect a bunch of 25-35 year old white graduate students to have:

+ Does Jay-Z suck or not? (Jay-Z does not suck; he was probably the last rapper to get famous based on his being a great rapper, as opposed to other, more malevolent forces in the universe. Also, Jay-Z is a better rapper than common.)

+ What MF Doom album is the best? Does it belong in the pantheon of great rap albums of all time? (Operation Doomsday, yes, yes it does.)

+ Def Jux? (Fuck no.)

+ Is it time yet for '90s nostalgia? (This split the group more decisively, with the under-30s leaning away from it and the over-30s embracing it. Further evidence of the strange demographic no-man's land of being 26-29 years old. Though, and this is outside of hip-hop, obviously, I have been having a strange tendency to feel like listening to Mogwai and Low and Dirty Three, etc. recently, which could be considered a kind of 90s nostalgia in its own right.)

+ Oh man, is this [insert next track on iPod playlist] track fresh or what? (Yes, it's fresh.)

and so on and so forth.

Again, I can't really get all that worked about such a thing. Surely the random play list thing solves many of the modern party-givers life's problems. And maybe it's just a fault I have to get so self-conscious about such activities. And DJ-ing, as a notion, at least in clubs and music venues is still alive and well (despire the iPodification of contemporary radio (ClearChannel radio being basically iPod shuffles of the seven most-payolaed songs of the week). And I'm sure I've still got a few random CDs at the bottom of a box somewhere that say something obnoxious like "Party Mix" ('cause you know, I was always hosting those bomb-ass music parties, back in my day), which is only one step better. In this context, perhaps the best thing about being the age that I am is that I am just barely old enough to have made mix tapes (several of which I still have), and to have that tape-making culture backed up by having bought actual tapes of music at the music store. Those mix-tapes were just that much more carefully made than mix CDs, which are still better than random play list shuffles.

Though, I do wonder if I'm just being a curmudgeon and an unabashed atavist. One can pretty much pick any period of time and find huge swaths of the extant culture complaining about whatever the newest media technology was (except for maybe movable type, since it promoted a level of propaganda theretofore unavailable to the theocracies of that time). I'd like to think of myself as modern, and forward-thinking, but dagnabbit why do I feel like such and old man about this stuff?

Culturology Summer of Booklove Bookclub #3: Toby Barlow's Sharp Teeth

This is moved up a week, as per Neal's request, so hopefully you've all had time to read it by now. I'm expecting big things from Neal on this one too, comments-wise. It read pretty fast for me. A good-enough, if somewhat familiar, narrative, paired with the usual werewolf's-eye-view of what it's like to be a werewolf. And it claims to be an epic poem in free verse, which provides the central gimmick of the book (yes, its a gimmick--I was not at all surprised to read in the author's bio blurb that he works in advertising; I agree that the concept of an epic poem about werewolves in Los Angeles is completely awesome).

But the book is not a poem. Just because you take your prose and chop it up into lines that look more or less like contemporary international free verse does not mean that suddenly you've written a poem. Any one who reads poetry regularly (as I do), will recognize the not-a-poemness of Sharp Teeth, the main characteristic of which is a general lack of concern for the line, and how it might work as a structural, especially sonic unit. It seems that Barlow's main concern in chopping up his sentences into poem-looking lines was to make it clear that it isn't prose.

It does work occasionally though, in terms of using the line to control the pacing in rapid-fire sequences or to rattle off quick lists of various things. But when it doesn't work, the passages clunk around (perhaps only from a poetic perspective; the average reader might not notice the clunkiness if they're not more used to reading refined verse) and the language gets boggy, boring and plain and not even the not-prose layout can't save it. Which is too bad, because most of my disagreement with the book is at this poetic level; I thought the characters and the story were fine, and its plotted well enough (if straightforwardly). There is a level of paranoia and conspiracy that is alluded to but never fully paid off, which is also a disappointment, but if I imagine a "general" reader who doesn't know anything about poetry--and most people everywhere (except maybe in Ireland) know very little about poetry--enjoying this book quite a bit. It does verge a bit on becoming a Young Adult novel as well, but that probably comes with the territory with a book about how good it feels to become part of a pack.

If you've read this and want to know what a real Novel in Verse is like, pick up Anne Carson's Autobiography of Red which is an absolutely amazing example of what a modern poet might do to craft herself an epic poem, or novel in verse.

(Culturology, and therefore the book club, will be taking a vacation for most of July, so there aren't any more advance-warning deadlines for books until Michael Chabon's Gentlemen of the Road to be read by the first Monday of August.)

The elevator opens up and bam - a freaking dog. no leash, no shame, just a big old fatass dog. To his left, hot babe, and to his right, some dude in sunglasses slanking against the glass. Tight squeeze, but we all shuffle in. I'm bored so I just stare straight ahead while homie cracks jokes about being unable to control the dog.

My sister took an actual picture and all, but it's from the back, poorly lit, etc.

Ground floor. Dog and handlers leave while my fam and I stroll out. My sister waits a beat, then whips around and says, "do you know who what was?!" me: "no?" "that was definitely John Legend!!" The doorman confirms, but I'm still skeptical. We creep outside so big sis can have her starstruck moment and witness an unfettered poochface and his model mommy un into traffic and nearly get creamed. Convincing? Almost. Few people other than famous / rich people allow their pets to run free all over a major city like NYC. Then, I spy the most damning of proof: his air-freaking-yeezies. If that isn't proof positive of celebrity and thus identity - well, I'm not sure what is.

Anyway. I'm not a big fan of Legend's music, but celebsightings are always neat. I beleive he is playing at Foxwoods or the other CT Casino in August with India.Arie.

Regina's new album Far drops on the 23rd, and Laughing With is the lead single. I know nothing about it, so I won't color my expectations with online press/junket crap. Instead, I will say I am super effing psyched. I loved her last disc, Begin to Hope, and I ended up getting all her previous stuff and seeing her live in Chicago back in 2007. I was a bit fanatical then. But hey, what's wrong with being a Regina Stan?

Laughing With seems to be a departure from the typical Regina. There is little if any dynamic range to the vocals and the piano track is way too smooth. You would never guess that this cute redhead was capable of ballbusting tracks like Flyin, Hotel Song, or Poor Little Rich Boy. Which actually brings up a sidepoint that some of her best tracks have very little piano in them at all. (Sacrilege, I know). And where is the catchy hook? Everyone knows a good lead single has to have a catchy hook!

I'm not saying I hate it, but I am saying it isn't what I was hoping for. I wanted Regina to come flying out of the gate like she did last time. Compare Laughing With to Regina's last lead single Fidelity. Fidelity is infinitely better, both acoustically and visually. It is an engaging song with highs and lows and a cute video to match. Laughing With is a downer with a boring video. Fidelity built up to a fun ending, while Laughing With ends just as lackadaisically as it began.

So Regina, I take back my comment from earlier this year back, you were never on my "shitlist", just my "come on release something already!" list. That said - I am praying for a killer second single. Laughing With is a weak effort and I know you are capable of something 10x better.

Ed Note: Moving sucks. I'm in the process of moving out and it is just a total mess. Selling furniture, putting stuff in storage, cleaning the place, paring down to the essentials - blah blah blah. The only joy I get is from tossing stuff in the dumpster. Obviously this is no excuse for irregular posting, but try to be sympathetic, ok?

Were any of you even ready to handle MObama coming in at 3:03? I nearly lost it people. We're talking a near miss.

Oh BTW, I'm officially on educational leave as of 4pm today and headed to the sunny beaches of Folly Beach, SC. I'll see all your broke asses in a week! ESTOY DE VACACIONES!

Despite with these relative disappointments, there are a number of other records I am looking forward too.

Amy Winehouse - Say what you will about Amy Baby's drug wacked out lifestyle, Back to Black was a phenomenal disc. I've been waiting for something new since 2007. Hurry the fuck up Amy!

Modest Mouse - I was late on the MM bandwagon, but I made up for it with rabid fandom. Much like Amy, MM hasn't given me a studio worthy in a hot minute. I hear there is an EP upcoming in August, but until then, I'll be Satin In A Coffin.

Clipse - Road Till The Casket Drops - If the mixtape remixes are any indication, the album should be great. I'm talking hardbottomed knock and carefully exaggerated punchlines. Clipse isn't always 100% - but when they're on, they're on. (a lot like Cam). And if you still need proof, listen to Kind of A Big Deal. You'll be sold.

Rilo Kiley or Feist - Yeah, I know they are totally different, but either would be sufficient for another year. Perhaps RK, Feist's last disc is probably still sufficient for another year (that goes double for The Ting Tings). There are only so many albums I can overplay in a year.

The Cool Kids - When Fish Ride Bicycles - I'm sorry, I had to mention it. I'll shut up now!

That's all I got for today. What records are you waiting for?

Chuck Season Finale
From the moment Chuck threw the first kick, Kirsten called it, 'Guys, I know Kung-Fu'. Cue her cheering and me groaning. It was a great ep - but if NBC axes the show, I won't cry too much. This is as natural an endpoint as any. We all knew Chuck would re-up with the Intersect, but who knew his dad was one too? Bringing Chuck's dad back as a recurring character and killing off Bryce is way too shark jumpy for me. Compound that with Devon knowing about Chuck's secret identity and things get sticky. Plus now Chuck is some sort of super autodidact? Too Matrixy. My opinion: lock all this shit down in S3E1 or just end the show now and leave people salivating.

Did you miss the ep? watch it here courtesy of Hulu:

The Cool Kids - Gone Fishing Mixtape
(Ed. Note: Neal selected The Cool Kids' Bake Sale as 2008 You Don't Suck Awards Music Winner)
The mixtape dropped on Monday. This is just the quiet before the storm (When Fish Ride Bicycles). You have to love how artists are using the lead up to their studio albums to drop free mixtapes full of even more great tracks. Peep Champions for a great piano beat and the updated Pennies remix for guest verses by Luda and Bun B. The tape is a little overstuffed considering the typical Cool Kids release is between six and eleven tracks. Of course, single artist 'mixtapes' regularly weigh in over 30 tracks, so whatever. Also take a listen to Hammer Bros. and Broadcasting Live.

House - S5E23 - Under My Skin
Great episode. The patient's skin sloughs off, House detoxes, and though I'll miss halluci-Amber... DO IT TO IT HOUSE! HIT THAT! Um, anyway, moving on....

Eminem - 3 A.M Music Video

Cold Garbage. I can't even watch the whole thing. The flow is terrible and the visuals are as trite as it gets. I'm not feeling any of the cuts I have heard from Relapse so far. I hope he's saving the best for later.

Swine Flu
What's the quickest way to get the pig flu? Twitter! Get it? It's a joke. (though not a very timely one) Anyway, this is about as much H1N1 as any blog post should have, so I'm done with that, and this blog post. BOOYAH!

This is where I should probably tell you about my predictions for summer jams. The thing is, I haven't heard a Hey Ma, Hot In Herre, or Izzo (HOVA) yet this year. Am I destined to spend my precious 4 days on the beach listening to Lady Gaga, Flo Rida, and (gasp) Jeezy!? If so, kill me now and spare me the horror. But, perhaps my musical sphere is just too small - I do live in a musical vacuum afterall.

So help me out here AudioShocker readers: What are your 2009 Summer Jam picks?

Need some more inspiration? This track, Would You Like To Ride, by Mr. West, Malik Yousef, and Common was my joint around... 2003 or 2004. The track is syrupy smooth and works whether you are cruising at 25, blazing at 80, or just standing still. Kanye stuck to the basics and relied on a few simple samples combined with a steady knocking beat. West's verse gives us a preview of the great wordplay we've come to associate him with, and Common just destroys Erykah Badu. If you weren't already up on this one -- act like you know!

Sadly, the video is trash - but real summer jams should be on the stereo - not your television!

The album drops 4/21 (4:20 FAIL)

Ha - what a clever title! Anyway, let's get to it.  We've all seen the I Love College video.  We've all heard the requisite Eminem comparisons. We've all thought to ourselves, "Seriously? Is this guy for real?" These days, Ash Roth, like Soulja Boy's wack ass, seems to be inescapable when it comes to hip hop.

I'm not sure I really buy the whole package - but I was willing to give him (and maybe next week Bobby Ray (formerly B.o.B)) a shot. I mean, I Love College is obviously a gimmick right? There has to be something else.

And I think there might be. I copped the album, Asleep In The Bread Aisle, the other night and I have been putting it through it's paces. I'll reserve my comments for the Podcast, so I actually have time for an informed opinion, but a couple quick notes.

Production seems solid, the beats are simple and uncomplicated. To it's credit, the album is actually pretty light on guests considering the amount of hype that dude has. Chester French, Busta, New Kingdom, Jazzy Pha, Cee-lo, Beanie Siegel - that is pretty good for a debut album these days.

How nuts is this mixtape cover?!

So far, two tracks are standing out to me, Bad Day (ft. Jazzy Pha) and Fallin'. They're both story tracks (I really dig story tracks) with decent beats and are a little different than what I had heard up till now.

Fallin' gives you a piece of where Ash is coming from (or if you are a cynical dick - where the label wants him to come from). take a listen for a different take on Roth.

Bad Day - if it had a few more sound effects, increased BPM, more bass, and a little bit of manic yelling would be a dead ringer for an Eminem track. The track is great (and short!) - but Ash, please don't shoot a video for it. It will only cement your image as an Em-clone. Use Sour Patch Kids or something instead.

Too lazy to download? Well too bad, YouTube removed all the embeds I had. Pfffff

That is about as far as I have gotten so far, so stay tune in next Tuesday!

But have you ever wondered what you could do with a pack of extra-large pingpong balls, some color filters, a couple friends, and a half hour of tape? Apparently Consequence and Rik Cordero did, and the result is this totally awesome (and short) music video for Buggin' Out 2009. I am digging the simplicity and crazy eye antics. Sometimes less is more people. (aspiring video directors take note!). And how do I feel about throwing back to an old Tribe song? I'll co-sign that too.

Want to see more lo-fi video classics? Check out Mjeezy in Emancipation (you'll have to use your auditory imagination since YouTube went all gestapo) or my onscreen debut in ETwo.

(Nick is totally gonna kill me for calling his stuff lo-fi!)

That said, what is so bad about sniffing sharpies and waking up with wood? Those are totally natural things that no one should not be ashamed of. Sometimes I call people and tell them about it; just ask Nick.

Like last week, I have not had enough time to digest the new disc, but I can say the following: I like the mixtape more!

The tape got me hyped up and in the space of 15 minutes, and I went from being totally ignorant about U-N-I to loving their style. But A Love Supreme is not doing it for me. I'll need some more time to get into it.

Perhaps it was the frenetic energy and novelty of the Mick Boogie mixtape. Honestly, I'm not sure what is up, the beat production, MCs, etc are the same. So what happened to the heat?

The first 7 tracks do nothing for me. They are non-grooveable tracks. Supreme gets meta and the punchlines get lost in the hyperactive wordplay. If this is supposed to be a mock brag track - I am not feeling it. In fact, the lyricism seems lacking throughout the disc - but that may be due to my extremely brief listening period... Anyway. Lately starts off with this cool 'tick tick tick' percussive beat and then the background synth's and adlibs ruin it.

And The second half of the disc isn't much better. Voltron, track 8 of 15, is the first with any knock. But, it cops the organ style too hard and comes off sounding like a really copycat of The Cool Kids Delivery Men.

Hammertime is 3 minutes and 19 seconds of warm garbage. How is this even a song? Lauren London may be a beautiful video chick, but she is irrelevant to this track. Halftime sounds like a reject / pre-vocoder demo from 808's and Heartbreak.

A Love Supreme, the eponymous and final track, is the only track that fits. And that is only because it is a snoozeworthy track closing out a totally underwhelming album.

I don't mean to be overly pejorative, but this disc goes against all of my (albeit limited) experience with U-N-I. Perhaps Y-O and Thurz just wanted to go in a different direction? I say that because even their first collaboration, Chicken and Watermelon kept it upbeat and exciting with Let Me Be, Fat Girl, etc. And, as I said before, Before There Was Love was packed full of great tracks: Cali Soul, Cast'em Out, Think About It, Run Son, Monster, etc - that tape is a five alarm fire!

The Bottom Line: Better luck next time.

So what can I write about that is timely, perhaps SXSW? Neh. I wasn't there and I am just not that hip. (I didn't know about the Air Yeezy till January!)  But what then? Ok, I got it: a quick preview of three upcoming/recent albums that I am interested in. Disclaimer: I really have not had much time with any of these discs, my opinions are likely to change in a couple weeks.

MF DOOM - Born Like This

Honestly, no Doom joint is ever going to top Rhymes Like Dimes. And, I kinda fell out of love with Doom's records after Nick's fateful 21st birthday. But I suppose all of that is irrelevant to this discussion.

Doom returns with more of those crazy ill beats that make you think "what the hell was he on?" Are you looking for more out of context narration over superhero cartoon music? Well, look no further than Cellz.

Gazillion Ear (get it?) is probably the track everyone will talk about, but it is classic Doom. In general, the collabo's aren't terribly inspiring (look out for Raekwon and Ghostface)

Still Dope does remind me of Rhymes though - if for no other reasons than because the beat is similar and I can actually make out the lyrics - of course that is probably because Doom isn't even on it.

I suppose if you are a hardcore MF fan, you will cop this regardless, but I can never dig more than 10% of a Doom album.

The Decemberists - Hazards of Love

Colin Meloy and his band are all about the concept album, and Hazards is just that. A story about some starcrossed lovers set to music in the style of everyone's favorite sea shanty singers. Really, that should be enough of a description for you.

The disc starts with a three minute organ prelude track that's like a really long THX demo at the movies. After that, it all sounds like ye olde Decemberists album. Again, I have only spent about a week of discontinuous listening on this - but while I really dug the previous 4 albums, I am finding this one a bit harder to get into.

The songs are self contained, but does anyone listen to an album linearly anymore? If this were a record, or if it had visuals, or performed live - I might be more inclined towards it. As it stands, Hazards is just way too hip for me.

And another thing! I feel like The Decemberists stole their whole MO from Squonk Opera. Anyone who is anyone in Western PA knows about Squonk after all. Basically, they combine music, art, and drama into their own brand of opera. It is actually pretty fucking cool. Check out their album Inferno to get a taste.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz

Perhaps I am most excited about It's Blitz. Back when they were just coming out and Maps was burning up the charts, I was totally out of the loop, (much as I am now) but was intrigued by this tiny 3 piece band and all their energy. I think my fledgling interest in Modest Mouse helped prepare me as well.

So, what up with this disc? It left me with a number of questions that perhaps you guys can answer: Did Yeah Yeah Yeahs always use keyboards this much? Is this supposed to be an electronic dance record? Heads Will Roll and Soft Shock have me thinking Goldfrapp (or am I totally off base here?) And do I hear some Feist-y influence coming through?

But don't get it twisted. I dig the keyboards and I like Feist. It's cool how the record is all over the place. Every track (except the lead single, Zero) has a big sound, and the disc ranges from in your face to subdued (Little Shadow). Of course, subdued is relative.

So far, Dull Life is my favorite track. It has the driving guitar I was looking for and the strained Karen O vocals that I desire. And for those wanting to relive the past, Shame and Fortune recalls Gold Lion. Dragon Queen had me grooving too - but it even if it probably isn't radio hit material.

Basically, despite the truncated gestation period, I am telling you to go buy It's Blitz.

The Track: Let me be clear here. I fucking love the backbeat. Producers have been killing it on percussion recently. I could do without the baby voice as it reminds me a lot of Beyonce's Diva, but it isn't nearly as annoying here. At the end of the track, it drops out and then there is that "bop bop bop beat it up like a drummer" thing. Classic! It is a real nice touch.

Let's talk punchlines and lyrics. Ever since This Is Why I'm Hot, MIMS street cred has been under scrutiny. I mean, he is about as hard as Will.I.Am or Flo Rida. So when MIMS brings lines like:

When I roll up on you niggas like a ska-ter
Move if you wanna when you see that red la-ser
No matter how you move bet that infrared will chase ya
Then I keep it movin, homey see you la-ter

I have to close my eyes and pretend that he is someone else - someone who I perceive as being a more thuggish ruggish dude. Afterall, MIMS has more in common with hipster-hop than he does Suge Knight. But here is the real test: do I keep listening to it? Yes. It is a fun track. I'd pump this in my car now that the weather is breaking.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not address the whole "MIMS is jockin' Gillie Da Kid's flo" thing. I see where everyone is coming from, and MIMS does look pretty guilty. However, unlike Gillie, he amps it up and keeps the flo dynamic. I do not care for Gillie's seeming monotone. And another thing. It's not like Gillie invented the fast/slow flow. Busta Rhymes and plenty of other artists have employed it in the past.

The Video: Talk about simple. There is very little art to this video. I feel like it is a cross between something The Cool Kids would do and the moving dolly part of Will Smith's Summertime. Basically, we have MIMS sidescrolling through some street scenes with some random dancers on a short loop. It is an interesting take on the standard performance video, but it doesn't do anything for me.

The 3 second loop thing is kind of pointless. Maybe if there were some scratching on the track it would have made sense? And the twisting thing? Also stupid. For a lead single/video I expected something more kinetic - especially considering the title.

The Bottom Line: It's hot - feel free to turn up the volume (in your car).

The Track: While I always dug the beat, the Dream's crappy falsetto is just earthshatteringly annoying. I am so glad he reached out and brought in some of the game's best lyricists. Juelz, Luda, and Fab are masters of the punchline -- and getting all three of them on the same track is major. They really redeemed this otherwise wasted beat.

Fab spends half his verse referring to JayZ and Crime Mob before he pulls out something funny:

Let me drop a jewel on ya, put a rock in ear
Can I call you nana? cause you got that rockin' chair

Luda's verse is heavy on 'lovey dovy' crap instead of double entendre punchlines, but he makes an attempt:

The thought is sensational, it's perfect bliss
I'm ready to take the milky way to your hershey's kiss
You know my tongue's got batteries in it
The bedroom, we lose calories in it & start families in it

Ricky Ross' verse is short and terrible. It is all forced gov/president references, and they all fall flat.

But Juelz Santana cold shuts it down:

Call me Mr. Shoe- shine, baby I'm a polish ya
And I leave ya spit clean, I don't use no polisher

So get another shot of ciroc in ya
Cause I'm gon' be rockin' ya
Treat you like my first lady
I'll put my Barack in ya

The Video: What we have here is a hot tranny mess of style jockin'. This video is a less creative version of Kanye's Golddigger -- which of course involves the whole "couple guys and some models" treatment. The difference is it's the guys who are on the magazine covers, and not pinup girls. And whose idea was it to outfit Fab AND Juelz in  LouisV gear? That is way too much product placement! Oh, and is it just me or does The Dream looks exactly like Chris Breezy from the Freeze video?

And you know what? 'Rockin that thang' amounts to 2-stepping for pretty girls. Even Crime Mob threw in some poppin' and dippin'. This is about as involved as the dancing in a Shwayze video. Is it just me, or is club-style hiphop dancing getting really lazy? I mean Lean With It Rock With It,  The Stanky Leg, The Arab Money Dance... I think I might be onto something.

Finally, a general query for all of you out there in the blogosphere: is there a website/repository that lists video girls and what videos they have been in? I'm thinking of something like iMDB for music videos. It would give me another dimension for these posts.

The Bottom Line: I suppose that sometimes, guest spots can polish up a turd.

"Every week now through August, Tonic will launch [auction] between 1 and 5 autographed iPods loaded with the celebrity's personal playlist."

The latest celeb to have their "personal playlist" on a Tonic iPod? Malin Akerman.

"Watchmen fans now have the opportunity to own a unique piece of comic memorabilia: an autographed iPod signed by Malin and loaded with her personal playlist."

A good thing or a music lover's nightmare? You be the judge. Here's her playlist:

Malin Akerman's Personal Playlist:

1. U2- In a little while
2. Air Traffic- Charlotte
3. Foo Fighters- Best of You
4. Nine Inch Nails- The Hand That Feeds You
5. KT Tunstall- Suddenly I See
6. Orson- No Tomorrow
7. Alien Ant Farm- Glow
8. Rilo Kiley- Breakin' Up
9. Supergrass- Moving
10. Nada Surf- Blizzard of '77
11. Peter Bjorn and John- Young Folks
12. Feist- Mushaboom
13. Imogen Heap- Speeding Cars
14. Bob Marley- Redemption Song
15. Beck- Lost Cause
16. The Petalstones- Free

The best part is that all the proceeds from Tonic's iPod auctions go to charity. The worst part is that you might get stuck listening to some songs you really hate.

P.S. By the way, I know that Akerman did a Maxim photo shoot recently. My opinion? Not that hot. However, Farrelly brothers fans already know where to get the goods - The Heartbreak Kid. The movie features Malin Akerman naked in multiple different sex scenes. Plus, it's funny as hell. Jerry Stiller tears it up. So now you know.

More: The Watchmen - TXT Message Review.

The beat is dead simple: knock and keyboards. It could be a little heavier (this is DipSet...) but it fits the track pretty well. I wonder if we're going to see a lot of YouTube freestyles over this one.

The video is fairly literal, and low budget - but isn't that exactly what a economically conscious video should be? Killa doesn't try to impress us with his acting skills either, he keeps it real. I totally buy that he doesn't really know how to conduct himself in a job interview. I also buy the idea that no one would give him any respect in a job interview, regardless of how polite he was.

And getting a job with a few priors? Cam knows it isn't easy.

I went in for an interview, for delivery
"Locked up, felonies?" now the dude's quizzing me
You working on my future, why you need to know my history?
All he did was Google me, no big mystery

Like I said, it isn't complex, but it is a good track. What IS a little more complex is the public's infatuation with Jim Jones.

In the last couple years, Jones' career has really taken off - but WHY? For some reason, guys like Yayo, Flav, Farnsworth Bentley, and now Jones - all former hypemen - get tons of airplay. And while I could sit here and philosophize about how I think he is aiming himself squarely at the frat demographic, instead I'll leave you with Jones' new video for Na Na Nana Na Na, which in addition to being the polar opposite of Cam's, just dropped as I was writing this post. (Jeebus, a Élan Luz Rivera cameo? She is just all up in my mindspace this week!) Enjoy.

Check out The D.E.Y.'s new video for I Need You. It's got three short vignettes and the track is just plain feel good. Look out for Obama's body double at 1:47! I'm digging it, and of course my thing for Élan Luz Rivera is totally unrelated. Check out Divine's MySpace page for some preview tracks off the album.

Maybe I'm too hard on Kanye nowadays... or maybe the once-prolific producer is just out of his fucking mind.

High on fame and the opportunity to control a captive crowd, Kanye West filmed an episode of VH1 Storytellers recently and said some weird shit and some really stupid shit. Here, for your reading pleasure, are choices quotes from Kanye's adventures in storytelling:

Kanye on Chris Brown and his recent abuse of Rihanna.

"Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life."

Kanye on two famous guys named Michael that have nothing to do with each other.

"Michael Jackson, amazing. Michael Phelps, amazing ... He's a real fucking person; he makes mistakes."

Kanye on "The Juice."

"O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing though?"

Kanye on supposedly being snubbed backstage at the Grammys by Thom Yorke of Radiohead.

"So when he performed at the Grammys, I sat the fuck down."

Hmm... I mean, Kanye, did it ever occur to you that you were at THE GRAMMYS, a major live production that's broadcast around the world, and Yorke may have been a bit busy? Give the guy a break!

On the other hand, should we give Chris Brown a break? I say FUCK NO! Giving the biggest benefit of the doubt I can, I'll agree that he made a mistake. Does that mean we shouldn't give him hell for it? NO! Do you know what the picture of Rihanna looks like, Kanye? What is it, Diane? Tell me. Do you know!?!

Anyway, not that there's anything really wrong with what Kanye said about Michael Phelps, Jackson, or Simpson. I just thought I'd toss those comments in to add to the overall ambiance of insane foot-in-mouth ranting created by the Chris Brown and Thom Yorke stuff.

T.I.'s Dead and Gone blows. I know this is TIP's second collaboration with Justin Timberlake, but its soooooo boring. TLC (big up to Left Eye!) and Bone Thugs and Harmony did such 'cautionary tales' way better with Waterfalls and Crossroads.

Ludacris' Nasty Girl suffers from a Plies infestation, overuse of an old line from an old Usher track, and a thoroughly unimaginative video. Let's not even discuss the total lack of bass. I mean, what the hell Luda - a LACK OF BASS? You know better than to pull that horseshit. And Plies - the iced out 'goon' ski mask - are you fucking serious? I lack words...

Asher Roth's I Love College describes maybe one of my college party experiences. Most of the parties I went too were in someone's crappy basement with no girls. And after junior year, all the kids on Beeler magically stopped having house parties. It made no sense. I get that adolescent partying is an easy genre to exploit - but the whole thing seems about 6 years too late: American Pie came out in 1999 and Old School was 2003, you know what I mean?

Chester French's She Loves Everybody deserves a positive nod - but it is overly cutesy at the same time. Also, I am done with The Neptunes. I thought the girl was AudioShocker favorite Elisha Cuthbert for the first two spins until I looked closer. Still, personal prejudices aside, this video is the most original of the bunch.

Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck Without You oscillates between performance shots and Kelly throwing stuff out a window. To be sure, nutty chicks like this are not my style. You don't fuck crazy. That is some sage advice for all of you out there. Anyway, if you want to see a guy get hassled by his psycho girlfriend - this is the video for you.

And I'm spent. Was it good for you too?

I didn't watch the Grammy's, because I don't give a damn. But when I heard about the Rihanna / Chris Breezy thing, I was hardly surprised. I never bought their relationship in the first place, and it all seems rather contrived. Basically, some words were exchanged, things got a little heated, and Chris Brown went to jail for a minute or two. That's about as much as I'm willing to believe right now.

And while people the globe over are scratching their heads as to why this happened, my theory is simple: competition. Rihanna and Brown are competing brands in a market (pop music) where popularity translates directly into dollars. Whoever makes more greenbacks is clearly winning.

The thing is, the competition was unfair from the get go. Rihanna wins straight up. It is no wonder that Breezy lost his temper. Want proof? Consider the following:

Hits
If nothing else, we will always remember Rihanna for Umbrella, no doubt her best single. Chris Brown's best track? Probably Run It! - and need I mention how crucial Juelz Santana's presence was to its success? Additionally, according to the Billboard Hot 100 - Rihanna has 4 Number 1's while Chris Brown clocks in at 2.
Winner - Rihanna

Gimmicks
This is a pretty easy one to call. On one hand, you have Rihanna's weird haircuts and crazy clothes. On the other hand, you have Chris Brown's lack of fashion sense and incredibly energetic dancing. Being a clothes horse is easy - doing that weird backflip thing is kinda hard.
Winner - Chris Brown.

Sales
Not quite the same as hits. Hits is subjective - sales is definitely objective. So, lets take a look at some figures from Nielsen. If you sort through it all, you will note the following: Rihanna ranks #6 in the 2008 Top 10 Selling Digital Songs while Brown comes in at #9. She is also THE Top Selling Digital Artist - where Chris is #4. The absolute numbers may all be large, but even comparatively, Rihanna just totally murders Brown. Also - Chris has to share the credit with Jordin Sparks. This isn't applicable to regular album sales, but who still buys CDs?
Winner - Rihanna

Videos
Music videos may be less relevant now than they were 10 years ago, but that hasn't stopped anyone from making them. As a pop musician, videos are extremely important, they are how one engages new audiences. It is important to branch out and be creative. This is a place where Chris Brown could use some work. I know you are a great dancer - but is that it? It's the Usher syndrome: the only thing Chris is any good at is dancing. Meanwhile, Rihanna has kept her videos fresh, topical, and even though I don't dig some of them (Disturbia, Unfaithful, etc) they are all unique.
Winner - Rihanna

These are obviously handpicked examples, but does Chris really have anything on Rihanna? He does get more guest spots and collabos. He is on the same label as T-Pain. He can actually dance. But even with all of that, Rihanna is a bigger brand. So, is it really that suprising that come Grammy time, Chris Brown lost his temper and got into an "altercation"?

Lastly, it looks like neither Rihanna nor Chris won any of the awards they were up for. How sad is that?

Eminem's lead singles rely on their hooks. Catchy and annoying are the name of the game here. But this chorus is too long to be catchy, and it's too kinetic to be annoying. If I can't memorize the entire thing, how am I supposed to hum it at work? The flow is too choppy, he's enunciating each line, and where are all the sound effect doubles? I'm actually a little disappointed. And Em, if you're so sad to see the game the way it is -- maybe you should release records more frequently. Look at T.I., Weezy, and even *shudder* T-Pain. They took over 2008 by attrition and market saturation. Back in 2003 you were the king, but you'll have to put in work to get back on top. Renegade was great and all - but even JayZ isn't selling like he used too. Oh, and I also have a few things to say about the rest of the Platinum Trio.

WTF Dre? You come back with this great beat and then proceed to ruin it by talking about your garage full of vintage cars. Seriously Dre, if you are going to do brag tracks - at least brag about something new. I'm so over cars. Why don't rappers ever talk about their reverse osmosis filters or panic rooms? Also, is Dre still relevant outside of the Beats by Dre headphones? (I guarantee you there is a pair in the video for this song) Everyone knows that Timbaland is the heavy hitter hitmaker now.

And then there's, 50 Cent. If I've said it once - I've said it a million times: 50 needs to stop rapping and release an R&B album already. His verse is more benign than a declawed cat. It's basically a 30 second rehash of In Da Club; which is to say, better than 94% of his other work. There isn't much gangster to it, but after moving next door to Martha Stewart, the only burner he's packing is a hot-glue gun.

The Bottom Line: The beat gets two thumbs up, but the verses are too pedestrian for a lead single.

And while I'm a little embarrassed that I don't know anything about U-N-I, it's never too late to start.

The Track: This beat is the raunchy 90210-esque love triangle of a thuggish ruggish hard knock beat, a baby-voiced chorus, and a broken violin. If it were just the percussion, this beat would be savage. I love the drumline sound mixed with the kick of the 808. But as it is, my brain can't process all three elements at once.

You've know how cocaine is often cut with crap like baby laxative? Well here the track is the yayo, (shoutout to John Forté who just got out of lockdown. Talk about stayin alive!), while the laxatives are everything else.

The entire idea of a thugged out Beyonce track always strikes me as mildly ridiculous (This is a stickup/ You see the mask/ I need them bags of that money). Furthermore, is there anyone who doesn't already acknowledge her diva status? I get the feeling that Beyonce is facing some sort of street-cred crisis. It's as though she feels that if she doesn't release tracks like this every now and then, she'll lose her ghetto pass. Well I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news B, but if you ever had a ghetto pass - it expired the day you gerrymandered Destiny's Child around yourself and Kelly Rowland.

And I call bullshit all over the chorus. Everyone I know who calls themselves a diva is a spoiled, bratty, twelve year old acting, daddy's girl. How can you compare that with being a hustler? Diva's are high maintenence. A hustler doesn't rely on anyone but himself.

The Video: Here is my impression of the director's pitch: "Hey B, I got an idea. Let's take your recent and wildly successful video and do it over again in a warehouse with some golden mannequins." Amazing, I know.

The director, Melina, has quite a few videos to her credit (Go Girl, Just Dance, Money Maker) - but at least half of them are stinkers (Sensual Seduction, Good Good, Green Light, anything by NeYo....) Curiously, she did not direct the Single Ladies video. Which begs the question: What the fuck, when did jocking Robert Palmer's marketing strategy become cool?

And while some artists release one video at a time, Beyonce likes to drop deuces. As we discussed on the podcast yesterday, this is probably just part of the split personality / Sasha Fierce thing. Release a soulful song (Halo) and a really in your face track simultaneously (Diva). I understand it, but I also understand saturation. Single Ladies is way more popular than If I Were A Boy, to the point where only one single can be relevant at any given time. This did not work so well with the last album either, when she released 4 videos at the same time and no one knew about 3 of them. Interesting experiment though.

Here is the thing, the black, the white, the dancers, the warehouse, the mannequins, the crazy angular outfits, those ridiculous sunglasses at the beginning, I can't take it! This video is an audio-visual cacophony. I'm all for art and high fashion and dancing - but, I think I prefer B at the end of the video:  jeans, t-shirt, and a ponytail.

The Bottom Line: When was the last time your diva ass had to hustle for shit B?

I've been going through a bit of a musical crisis recently, and I don't mean some sort of purple lit Fosse number. I am starting to hate every single album I own. Discs with previously infinite replay value no longer titillate. Fashion Nugget, once represented the quintessential Cake album, but now it lays fallow in the rotation. The problem is not genre specific. Aimee Mann's latest album and the Skillz's disc which I extolled as recently as October fall flat now. Even the stalwart guardians of Harlem, The Diplomats, fail to stir my spirit.

I am serious; this is not something I take lightly. Albums like From Me To U are more than just great discs, they are the soundtrack to my life. That disc used to be a musical flashback to my junior year in college, the FTC house, and the debauchery of my 21st birthday. I can barely stand to her Juelz Santana's voice anymore. In fact, Killer Cam, SAS, J.R. Writer, and the whole clique sound old and busted now.

Is this the natural way of things, to randomly fall out of love with our favorite music? It is a cruel hypothesis. Will I forsake Modest Mouse and Good News For People Who Love Bad News if something slightly more engaging comes along? Why has Blues Traveler's Four lasted so much longer than Dave Matthews' Under The Table And Dreaming? When did Diana Krall replace her husband in my head space? Sure, musical tastes change, but this is maddening. There are people who still love Def Lep. To them, 80s hair metal never went out of style. Me, I'm losing my taste for albums less than a month after I get them. (For the record, I am not 'hip' when it comes to music. I usually 'discover' new bands about 1-2 years after they break.)

Solutions? I have had varied and fleeting success. I tried more focused, but less frequent listening, but imposing rules defeats the point of casual listening. In 2007 I went to several shows, which were great, but now those three artists are all on my shitlist (Regina Spektor, The Decemberists, and Badly Drawn Boy). I even tried to open myself to more genres and artists, but it isn't a switch you can just flip. I didn't warm up to hip hop until high school, and only in college was I able to acknowledge the indie scene.

So I appeal to you, the AudioShocker community, please help me out. There must be a way to overcome my musical ennui.

I think It is remarkable that out of 19 categories, Lauryn Hill walked away with 4 Moon Men, and Fatboy Slim took 3. Were the post-Fugees and overly accessible 'techno' that appealing to our collective musical pallete? (Ugh, FUCK Moby) Additionally, I have no idea how Will Smith's Miami got Best Male Video (and why are there gender specific categories?). Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It was great in 1998, but past success should not be used as a basis for future accolades.

And weren't boy bands huge until at least 2001? How then did the Backstreet Boys get Viewer's Choice but nothing else? I call shenanigans all over this list. Nonplussed, I dug deeper and pulled up the 1998 list. While it skews toward rock/alt, Madonna's Ray of Light just totally kills it - 5 Moon Men! How is Madonna spastically moving in front of a green screen worthy of awards for great choreography, direction, or editing? Could it be sales?

Let's look into that, according to the BillBoard Hot 100 and The Village Voice, the top single of 1999 was either Cher's Believe or TLC's No Scrubs. I don't see Lauryn Hill or Fatboy Slim anywhere. This suggests that the VMAs are based on something other than spins or sales. Fair enough, this is the Video Music Awards. But wait...

BOMBSHELL - Britney Spears' first single...Baby One More Time was released in Q4 1998, the album was released January 12th 1999, and the 1999 VMAs were in September. It does not add up. How is it that from 1998-2000, Spears won exactly zero Moon Men? Seriously, how many of you called TRL to request that video?

Personally, I am a little surprised that TLC's No Scrubs didn't clean up. That video was what 1999 was all about - hip hop explicitly defining the vernacular and the end of the shiny suit.  TLC was pretty huge in the 90s: Creep, Waterfalls, etc., and No Scrubs was a major hit. Even Jay-Z and rat-faced Ja Rule's Can I get A... or Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca would have been better choices than Doo Wop or Praise You.

Of course, the VMAs are indicative of nothing. They do not represent music sales, viewer requests, or any other quantifiable measure. Like all awards shows, they are a foil for shameless PR, red carpet pageantry, live performances, and mirror-facing self-congratulatory masturbation. It looks like MTV has recently (at least in 2008) extended the voting process to the public. Still, who are they fooling? You can't divorce a song from its music video. Nobody wants to watch a music video, no matter how awesome it is, if the accompanying song does not appeal to them.

Granted, my argument may have a few holes, and this is all based on two hours of armchair research, but I just cannot buy the 1999 MTV VMA results.

Here is big my question for the MTV VMA judges/voting committee: If Nick and I shoot a UAL video and pony up some guap, can we have the 2009 awards for Best Group/Rap/Breakthrough Video? We need to know soon, so that we can get our entourage ready.

The Track: Remember Mario's Just A Friend from 2002? Yeah, well Freeze sounds a lot like it. I mean a lot. The vocoder is always unwelcome, but I'm starting to accept that it is not going away anytime soon. And, all gratuitous pop, lock, and droppin aside, the song isn't terrible. There aren't any good punchlines or anything, so I doubt this will be popular with any real heads out there, but perhaps the b-boys will like it. I mean, it is hard to criticize someone for telling you to get your ass on the floor and move it. Also, this is one of very few T-Pain joints not about strippers/strip clubs. I see that as an improvement.

The Video: This half animation / rotoscoping, half live action technicolor thing has me making comparisons to T-Pain's other recent videos Can't Believe It and Good Life. Personally, I'd like to see a little more originality and a little less of this three ring circus/top hat crap. The video is all dancers on glass floors, pastel silhouettes, quick cuts, and that weird 60's multiplier video effect. Of course, Chris Brown's major appeal lies in his dancing skills, so his presence on this record is pretty understandable. Overall though, I am unimpressed.

The Bottomline: A weak beginning to the 2009 Music Video season.

Music (Arists, Singles, Videos, and Albums)

The nominees are:

• Lil Wayne - A Milli / Ms. Officer / any of his collabos.
• Pink - So What / Sober (both from Funhouse)
• Vampire Weekend - Oxford Coma
• The Ting Tings - We Started Nothing
• The Cool Kids - The Bake Sale
• Portishead - Third

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Music Winner is: The Cool Kids

Neal says: It's always hard to decide with music. This is the most subjective category there is. Lil Wayne was stellar, but vocoders prevent us from giving him top honors. Pink returned to relevance with killer singles and Vampire Weekend brought us alternative music (and a video) that didn't suck. New favorite The Ting Tings and Pete's pick Portishead rounded out our noms. I don't think you can go wrong with any of the nominees, but there can be only one winner. The fantastically hip Cool Kids know how to make a good record and their beats have ridiculous knock.

Movies (Films, Flicks, and Moving Pictures)

The nominees are:

• WALL-E
• In Bruges
• Burn After Reading
• Slumdog Millionaire
• The Wrestler

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Movies Winner is: In Bruges

Pete says: In Bruges was the best-written movie of the year and has incredible performances from its three main actors (Ralph Fiennes, Colin Farrell, and Brendan Gleeson). This is the first film from writer-director Martin McDonagh, and in that regard this strikes me as another reason to single out the film, since we can be optimistic about another strong filmic auteur (though the man is, apparently, a well-seasoned playwright) making the scene. Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler were excellent, but neither topples In Bruges as my pick for the all-caps not sucking distinction.

Comics (Ongoings, Minis, One-Shots, and OGNs)

The nominees are:

• Avengers: The Initiative #14-19 (Marvel Comics)
• Kill All Parents! (Image Comics)
• Terra #1-4 (DC Comics)
• War Machine: Weapon of SHIELD #33-35 (Marvel Comics)
• Water Baby (Minx / DC Comics)

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Comics Winner is: War Machine: Weapon of SHIELD #33-35

Nick says: I'm obsessed with War Machine thanks to this story arc. These issues (a.k.a. Iron Man: Director of SHIELD #33-35) follow Jim Rhodes after an electronic recording of Tony Stark prompts him to prepare for an impending crisis (Secret Invasion). Christos Gage, Sean Chen, Sandu Florea, Jay David Ramos, Joe Caramagna, Adi Granov, and Bill Rosemann are all in top form as they deliver the best comics of 2008. (This goes without says that I've been nursing an addiction to Marvel vs. Capcom lately and Rhodey happens to be my fighter of choice.)

Television (Shows, Finales, and Premiers)

The nominees are:

• Chuck
• Avatar
• Metalocalypse
• Mad Men
• The Spectacular Spider-Man

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Television Winner is: Avatar: The Last Airbender

We say: Honestly, was there ever really a doubt? Avatar has been an AudioShocker favorite since before there was an AudioShocker.com! This Nickelodeon original made us sit up and take notice with its tremendous visuals, compelling story, and surprisingly mature themes. We're sad we couldn't give Chuck and Mad Men higher marks, but Buster Bluth and Don Draper would want it this way. Now we're keeping our eyes peeled for new episodes of Big Love, BSG, Entourage, and Spectacular Spidey!

New Year's pretty much demands a good playlist. After 364 days of b.s. ClearChannel, NPR, and shitty club music - I want to pre-party and get hype to some outrageous self-indulgent jams. Here is a sample of what is on my playlist for this evening. What's on yours?

1. 99 Problems - Jay Z
2. Ghetto Supastar - Pras ft. Mya and ODB
3. Shut Up And Let Me Go - The Ting Tings
4. Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz
5. Ride Wit Me - Nelly
6. What I Got - Sublime
7. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - The Spin Doctors
8. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
9. Basket Case - Greenday
10. Fly - Sugar Ray

During the course of our round table, we found ourselves with a lot of conflicting views: who looks better (in US Weekly and onscreen), Aniston or Jolie?, is Beyonce going to have a baby in 2009 --  or is Lil Wayne going to fall off?, who rocks harder, U2 or Journey?, neighborhoods vs. subdivisions, Eliza Dushku vs. Elisha Cuthbert, Pittsburgh vs. Harrisburg (S T E E L  C I T Y baby), and even blondes vs. brunettes (I think you all know where I stand).

Of course, I was drinking and my voice rings loud, so I dominated the discussion. But I'm never sure how my opinion sits with you readers. That said, I'd like conduct an informal poll regarding the most heated of our discussions:

U2 Vs. Journey

(when it comes to the ultimate test: karaoke, are you going to pick Don't Stop Believin' or Sunday Bloody Sunday?)

Leave a comment and tell us who you are rooting for.

So, I branched out. I listened to the radio in the beat up company Jetta we drove to work. I spent time watching the D99FM music video channel. I've already told you about Belanova and how much I dig their track Rosa Pastel and Calle 13 / Nelly Furtado's cloyingly sweet yet saucy No Hay Igual. I discovered how much people in Monterrey love the Strokes and Robbie William's Rudebox. I also discovered Julieta Venegas.

Venegas' new album Limón y Sal was burning up the charts when I arrived. She doesn't really fall into the CFV category, as she is more pop than that. But her music is listenable, she makes a watchable music video - the eponymous lead single had one of those early 90s / REM style videos, and it kept me afloat in a sea of Shakira.

Venegas recently, (as in, 6 months ago) recorded an Unplugged session for MTVTr3s and I think it is worth a listen. The first clip is the lead single Limón y Sal and the even more catchy Eres Para Mi. This isn't mindblowing the way that Shakira's Unplugged performance was mindblowing (seriously, it was probably the best thing she ever did) - but neither is it 'world music' a la Toto. Just watch:

San Pedro Garza Garcia - the neighborhood I lived in was full of rich things: expensive cars, expensive houses, expensive restaurants, expensive shopping, expensive nightclubs (that threw me out once), expensive stripclubs (that I never went to), expensive bars that served you drinks by the liter, hookah lounges, etc. It is the richest municipality in Mexico -- if not all of Latin America, and I'll always assosciate Venegas (and unfortunately Robbie Williams) with those images and months. So today, as I sit around depressed by the economy and my shrinking bank account balances, I plan on firing up some Venegas and pretending it's still Dec 3rd 2006 and that mom just hung up on me again for telling her how sunburned I was getting at the pool.

I can't even begin to tell you how offended I am by this - both from a musical and cultural perspective - and I'm not even Muslim. I can't seem to find an 'official' video, so this YouTube 'video remix' will have to do. Seriously, autotuned Arabic? (it's not actually Arabic either btw) As if my day wasn't bad enough, I have to deal with this shit.

The dance instruction video is a bit apologetic and tries to explain it all away, but what the fuck? How do you even begin to reconcile this without going all Van Gogh? I'm sorry Busta, but if I am offended - something is wrong. Am I being overly sensitive? Is this not a big deal so much as a poorly conceived song? Either way, you need to get your act together Mr. Rhymes, because this is not acceptable.

Seriously, the first two tracks - Say You Will and Welcome to Heartbreak - are not even close to anything known as hip hop. Instead, Kayne sings RnB vocals drenched in vocoder and auto-tune.

The third track, Heartless, features some sort-of-rapping. But that sort-of-rapping sort of sucks, so it's pretty irrelevant. Getting back to hardcore VnB on the fourth track, Amazing, Kanye sings some more while Young Jeezy stops by to stink up the place.

Next up is Love Lockdown, the first single off the disc. It's a combo of Jesus Walks drums, poorly utilized Daft Punk vocal effects, and a song structure straight out of Tainted Love. Basically, it sounds like shit.

The following track, Paranoid, is a step in the right direction. The melody is strong and the song has a powerful forward movement. Kanye actually spits some rhymes here, but they're nothing insightful or infectious. This song is by far the best thing on 808s and Heartbreak.

Props to Kanye for naming the seventh track RoboCop. Too bad the song blows. Next up is Street Lights, which sucks so let's just breeze past that one. Actually, come to think of it, Bad News sounds like poop too so let's keep it moving.

This takes us to track 10, See You in My Nightmares. Now that's a nice way to sum up this album: I'll probably have nightmares about it. Hell, even Lil Wanye can't save this song.

Coldest Winter isn't as awful as its predecessors, but I still didn't enjoy it. At this point, I'm pretty sure that Kanye's next project will be a duet album with Annie Lennox.

The "bonus track" is a horrid live freestyle called Pinocchio Story. It's full of people screaming in the background. At first, you might think they're screaming out of joy. But by the end of track, it's 100% obvious that they're screaming in pain. They've just been subjected to entire concert of this crap. I would be screaming too.

The Track: Tell me you don't like Valentino's weeohweeohweeohwee cop call chorus thing. I love it -- almost as much as I love Weezy for NOT using a vocoder on this. That is huge for me. Maybe the vocoder is done for 2008? The beat is laid back and I'm actually pretty surprised this was not released as a summer jam, would have been big.

And the rhymes!! I can't hate - Weezy keeps it hot.

She know I'm raw, she know I'm from the streets // And all she want me to do is fuck the police

And after we got done, I said lady what's your number she said 911

Breakfast in bed turn into breakfast and head (this verse isn't in the video)

The obligatory negatory: Wayne has taken up an affectation that I am dubbing 'The Dorian Self-Laugh'; it was first brought to light by Dr. Cox on Scrubs. Zack Braff's J.D. did this stupid self laugh whenever he made a joke and no one else thought it was funny. Well, Weezy has been doing the same thing recently - after every. single. line. Other examples? Check T-Pain's Can't Believe It and Mike Jone's Cuddy Buddy. It's like the new delay double and I find it similarly bothersome. Hopefully, Mr. Carter will grow out of it quickly. However, given his repertoire of vocoder hits this year, it may be a while.

The Video: Hot cops may be cliche, but they make for an entertaining video. I mean who hasn't wanted to get it on with a Hot Cop? Ladies and Lads alike. It's the basis for an entire genre of porn. Frisking hot perps? I want to do that. Mugshot modeling? I've seen it before, but I still chuckled. 3 hot cop dancers and squad cars? Yeah, I can suspend disbelief. Obviously this isn't anything groundbreaking or new, but it's easily digestible fluff that I can watch it more than once.

While somewhat unrelated, I disliked that the 2nd video Comfortable used the same video treatment/model. I am of the mind that videos self contained packages that can stand on their own. But Comfortable is easy to ignore, so it's all good.

The Bottom Line: Perhaps this is some of that 'change we can beleive in'

Recently, the franchise has been making some odd choices when it comes to themes: Sheryl Crow, Madonna, Garbage, etc. Tina Turner's was the best in recent memory (despite the involvement of King Douche Bono). Still, I was a bit surprised to see two very different artists, Alicia Keys and Jack White, put together for this project.

The Track (guest track analysis by Nick): Jack White's searing electric guitar captures the signature sound of the classic James Bond theme while Alicia Keys' piano is a clever homage to Live and Let Die.

But the mastering on this song sucks. The vocals are like a lyrical dominatrix whipping the holy hell out of the backing track. It hurts to hear Jack White's whine and Alicia Key's shrill in unison. And the songwriting is a mess. Instead of being a fresh interpretation of a classic structure, Another Way to Die is erratic and discomforting.

The Video: Does anyone else think that Jack White looks like Johnny Depp's George Jung? The video tries to be all edgy but it just coming off super crappy. It's all blue and black punctuated with spurts of white and yellow ribbon. Perhaps it will look good with the opening credits montage? Also, what is up with A Keys eye makeup? It is eight types of overdone. (Just like this video)

The Bottom Line: Fuck me slowly with a chainsaw. I hope the movie is better than this video.

The obvious question is "what the hell took so long?" Really, we've had the technology to do this for at least 3 years and YouTube has been doing it foreverrrrr. Still, as if I needed another reason to not pay attention at work, I can now spend endless hours watching Queen and Tom Petty music videos. In order to properly honor this, I give you Europe's magnum opus - Final Countdown. Enjoy.

The Track: The Kardinal hails from Canada but loves that dancehall sound. I got real burned out on dancehall back in 2003 when Beanie and Elephant Man were doing it real big. I'm more of a gentrified reggae person and Kardinal's version is easy to digest. That said, I think he may be trying a little too hard. Even as the scion of Jamaican immigrants - Ontario is hardly the Caribbean Islands. You're steez is less beleivable than Yatismahu's.

Interestingly, there are at least three versions of this song, each with a different IT girl doing the hook: Keri Hilson, Rihanna (probably the best), and Nicole Scherzinger. The video features Hilson who honestly needs the exposure.

I'm about 50% on Kardinal covering Tide Is High. Blondie did a great job with it back in the 80s, but this is a little different. It will probably grow on me - but I feel a little betrayed to see my favorite 80s hooks used this way. What's next, Walking on Sunshine?

The Video: Remember Sean Paul's Get Busy and Like Glue music videos?  Kardinal is basically an even more accessible version of Sean Paul. I don't see much differentiation here. I'd even posit that Sean Paul and Beanie Man had better dancers. But, it didn't bore me.

Of note: There is a bonus snippet of Nina at the end. Despite my thing about double videos, I enjoyed its briefness and double entendre. Look out for the new Dr. Dre headphones in this video too. They are being placed in almost every new video right now. Lastly, I really really really hate Keri Hilson's haircut and the bleached bang tips. I can not handle that.

The Bottom Line: Not mindblowing, but a solid non-sucky performance.

The Track: First off, this beat blows. The high pitched baby voice thing is about 3 years too old and the slowjam tempo does not fit. Also, is Ne-Yo even on this track? He puts in maybe half a verse. Jamie Foxx's presence is an enigma. What is the point of an R&B singer featuring another R&B singer on his record? It works for rappers, (check Maino's Hi Hater Remix) but only because they have distinctive flos and styles.

Speaking of rappers, Fab must have received my note about the streets hurting for a new track. This is the second time in about two months that I have written about him and the second time he's collaboed with Ne-Yo. Sadly, the verse isn't exactly top notch pimp. It sounds like he wrote it in the taxi on the way to the studio.

And While I can't argue that having one's own money isn't important to me, you won't see me atop parapets shouting "my girl is financially independent and fiscally responsible!" I like picking up the check on a date. It drives me nuts when a girl wants to go dutch. Let me have the satisfaction of doing something positive after an entire workday of sloth and work avoidance. You can get the movie or desert afterwards if it matters that much. Also - I don't carry cash.

I mean it's great if she has her own loot- but don't let it define your relationship.

The Video: Hey, does this sound familiar: black, white, 3 dudes, and 4 models? Thought so. I am tremendously underwhelmed by the visuals. There is so little to talk about that I'm stopping right here.

Of note: Independent women Eve and Estelle stop by for a quick cameo. I can dig it. Really, when was the last time Eve came across as anything but an independent woman? And Estelle is pretty hot right now. She was nominated for the Mercury Prize you know.

The Bottomline: Hey Ne-Yo, if she's got her own, why don't you ask her to buy you a better video?

The Track: Luda says it best at the tail end of the track between shout outs to Chris Brown and Sean Garret: 'It's too easy'. He's right. The hand claps, knock, and syrupy flow have me sprung. The track reminds me of Nelly's E.I. mixed with Drop It Like It's Hot. I could do without Sean Garret's vocals. Oldboy should stick to producing - he's actually good at it.

Luda is big on name dropping - but it's part of his style. He owns it, just like how Agness Deyn owns that blonde pixie cut. Surprisingly, none of the punchlines are noteworthy. I didn't find myself running the track back to hear a line again. That is kind of unprecedented for Ludacris. I still like the track, but I am a little disappointed.

The Video: Luda's videos typically involve a lot of girls. More specifically, girls dancing, looking good, and being flirtatious. It adds to the appeal of the party and Chris Brown doesn't do videos unless he can show off his moves. Seriously, show me a video where he isn't MJing around the dance floor.

I know that all sounds dangerously close to Ryan Leslie's video, but Luda uses it. Sure, the girls are hot, but that's not the point. They are a mean's to a punchline, and the joke is on them. The speech bubbles give each girl a voice, but that voice is exactly what guys want to hear. The video portrays women with the mentality of an Axe Body Spray commercial.

Two more things - At the beginning of verse two Luda drops a line about girls wanting families and security. Look closely at the supporting bubble, you have to laugh. Also, the speech bubbles should really be thought bubbles.

The Bottom Line: Kind of mediocre - I encourage Luda to spend some time on punchlines. They are a signature part of his repetoire.

The album features a ton of producers including DJ Jazzy Jeff and ?uestlove. Black Thought, Common, and Freeway are the only named guests.

My favorite cuts:

So Far So Good - Reminds me of a Slum Village cut.

Sick - Great brag track. I dig the beat and all the references. This would be good for a dance battle.

He Don't Own Me - What is it with handdrums? They are so hot right now!

My Phone - Another name dropping brag track like 'Sick', but about girls. Builds up to a great ending.

Hold Tight - The horns do it for me and the rhymes are tight.

Be Alright - Like I said, it's smooth and upbeat.

Preachin To The Choir - Remember story tracks? This is a rare treat these days.

The Bottom Line: The album has some solid tracks. But as LeVar Burton would say, you don't have to take my word for it.

The Track: The beat is mellow and I'm all about that. Not every track needs wicked knock. I didn't like the synth at first, but I've really warmed up to it. The percussion is well designed too. Hand drums playing off a synth? Yes. Cassie provides the backing vocals, natch. She sounds a little flat and detached, like she's in a daze - perhaps that's the point? It's sort of hypnotic in its monotony.

Fab's verse had me hooked because of how it handles a pet peeve of mine. I have reviled name-dropping in the past, but Fab turns it around. He incorporates the names into the verse as punchlines and not just as obnoxious references. His lines get better and better: 'I got you Amy Winedout', 'I hop out the suicides looking so Cobain', and 'They come back want more grams, right back, like Lindsey out the program'. If that doesn't get a rise of out of your punchline meter, perhaps you should stop listening to hiphop.

The Video: The 'official' video is your typical 'white background' video but in gray. The treatment must have read like this: 2 guys, 4 models, all gray. The '2 guys and some models' concept is not new either. Schwayze did it. So did Lil Wayne and Lloyd. Remember Golddigger? SAME THING. There are plenty more examples. It's the buddy cop equivalent of music videos: you're not really sure if Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan belong in the same movie, but it's easy to watch and you're too lazy to change the channel.

The 'alternate' version of the video is fairly unremarkable except that it is in color. Alternate videos strike me as a sign that the album isn't going to stand by itself without being crammed with extras.

Remember George Michael's Freedom video? No one ever does stuff like that anymore, which is sad. It is the closest thing to a perfect music video I have seen to date. It had models, explosions, good set and costume design, new technology, replay value, and it wasn't just a taped performance!

The Bottom Line: Decent track, routine video. It happens.

The Track: The beat is courtesy of Danja and smacks of his mentor Timbaland - that is definitely a good thing. The song is basically Cassie saying 'i don't want to be a jumpoff, I want to be your girl for reals,' but it's insincere and pushy. If she's so tired, why doesn't she just leave? Even Keri Hilson (who belongs to the production team that wrote the song) knows the energy isn't worth it.

It is by 'label magic' alone that the super busy Lil Wayne found time to record a verse. It's not like he even needs the cash right now. (This has seriously been the year of Weezy F Baby) Sadly, if there was any chance of this song being salvageable, the vocoder towards the end crushes it like a boulder.

The Video: After about 20 seconds you will inevitably make the Aaliyah connection. I mean come on,The bikini top with the hair and the jacket and the black pants, who are you trying to fool Cassie? This isn't an homage - it's cheap imitation. The director, Chris Robinson has actually worked with Aaliyah before, so I'm a little surprised. Additionally, Cassie says in an interview "I've never seen myself dance like this before." What I infer from this is that you really stepped up your dancing game.

But I call bullshit. I've seen your other videos, so I have a good baseline. Dancing wise, the video doesn't bring anything new to the table. It's the same old moves from the same old Aaliyah videos of yore. If this is a 'new level' for you, I'm surprised Diddy didn't bounce your ass like he did half the girls from Making The Band 3! Lastly, the white bikini. Totally gratuitous! It comes out of nowhere and has no relevance to the rest of the video. You aren't near a pool, the beach, or even outside.

The Bottomline: Hear me out Cassie. You are a beautiful girl - but if you want to stay in the game, you need to learn to sing, act, or at least dance. They call you a 'triple threat' in Step Up 2 - but where is the supporting evidence?

Ne-Yo - Closer (Live)
Whenever I see Ne-Yo I can't help but think he looks like a less popular version of Chris Brown mixed with Djimon Hounsou. He does use a real band though and that's kind of cool. Dancers' outfits suck though.

Pink - So What
Homegirl is really in her element here. Pretty impressive that Hart agreed to do the video. I generally don't dig Pink - and probably will continue not too - but this video is alright. Great song to get drunk too. In fact, I think I might just go do that right now.

Cassie - Official Girl
Wow. So much to say, check out this week's full fledged review.

John Legend - Green Light ft. Andre 3000
The beat is wack, the hook sucks, and Andre 3000 employs stream of consciousness rather than structured verse - but god damn would I like to be at that party. It looks like a lot of fun. Especially if it's not your house.

Ne-Yo - Miss Independent (Live)
Ne-Yo's gimmick for this album is wearing suits. He also plays off the emerging trend of 'independent women' in hiphop. Apparently ballers no longer want to get with guap gulping groupies. Besides the obvious advantages of her picking up the check once in a while, a girl that gets her own cash might support you if your abum flops.

The Bottom Line: Pink obviously takes the gold this week - but I think I'll give John Legend the silver for a decent party scene.

Gym Class Heroes - Cookie Jar
I hope this is supposed to be a joke. The 'white background video' returns with a vengeance, a vocoder, and shitty synth line. If The Cool Kids are a bunch of lame scene kids - then what the eff is this? I just can't take any part of this seriously, not with homeboy's bull nose ring.

The Game - My Life (ft. Lil Wayne)
Game is such a drama queen. Is his life really that hard? Wait till the end where he smears a cross on his chest - in blood. Seriously, how effing into yourself are you? You are not John Lennon, Biggie, or Jesus. And who name drops Kanye twice on a track? As if that weren't enough, Lil Wayne rides shotgun with a vocoder. Weezy is giving T-pain a run for his money.

We The Kings - Check Yes Juliet (Live)
I've never even heard of these oldboys, but it sounds a lot like Panic at the Disco. In other words: they are probably popular, but not for any logical reason.

Solange - Sandcastle Disco
Solange is Beyonce's sister in case you didn't know. The song is pretty breezy - but hey, it's a song about a DJ, I expected as much. Yeah, this is a "white background video", but I like it more than others I have seen recently. Overuse of CG? Perhaps, but I dig the whole mod/60's thing. We both know this could have been done way worse.

The Bottom Line: The Game needs to stop feeling himself so much. He is no longer relavant in my musical sphere.

Donnie Klang - Take You There
First of all, who picks up girls in a liquor store? Second, this Puffy/Klang thing looks like it was specifically devised to compete with the Timbaland/Timberlake sound; it doesen't compare. Puffy, please back out of the music business and retire to being simply a celebrity. Readers, if you want to see a more accurate idea of how video would have played out, please watch The Boys & Girls Guide to Getting Down.

Morningwood - Sugarbaby
Haha. Morningwood. I love making fun of American Apparel wearing, gold digging, label whoring, hipster girls. The puppet thing is great too. This video is good for at least 5-6 viewings before I get sick of it - and that's saying a lot.

The Cab - I'll Run
This video is comprised of a band performance, long shaggy hair flying around, and some people making out in front of public transportation. There's no tension, conflict, narrative, and no running. Lastly, is the lead singer seriously rocking a non-skinny tie in 2008? What a fashion faux pas! Homeboy needs a new stylist.

Santogold - L.E.S. Artistes (Live)
Santogold is kind of like a skinny Macy Gray, with a simiarly hard to listen to voice. Don't even get me started on the leotard / jumpsuit outfit. I just can't get into her steez. Sorry!

The Bottom Line: Morningwood wins the gold medal for "least terrible video" this week along with a special commendation for actually being funny.

According to the Applause-O-Meter, The M&M Cru won. It figures that a million jumpy tweeny girls would pick the most popular tweeny girl in the country. That's all fine and good; it is the Teen Choice Awards afterall.

The thing is, Miley can't dance (I mentioned that on Saturday), and it shows. She was outclassed from the get go. I mean, bringing LL Cool J to a dance battle, is a bit like eating noodles with a knife - a desperate attempt at best. Is Miley even old enough to remember LL's hits? And - the Rerun dance? Come on, nothing is more played out and cliche than poppin' and lockin'. What is this, Breakin? I think Miley treated this whole thing like a joke because she knew the endgame from the onset. Was there ever really a chance that she was going to lose? Starpower wins every time.

Of course, no one used starpower quite like the ACDC. Throughout the course of the battles, the ACDC employed dozens of members, the Jabbawockez crew, Chris Brown, LiLo, and even an invalid Adam Sandler! Still, they came to this party with their game faces on and walked away empty handed. There is some internet chatter saying that the ACDC recycles all their choreography. Perhaps that was the problem. I did my own visual research, and while it is true - ACDC still has better moves.

Lastly, why did they chose Fergie as the impartial moderator? Could they have found someone less qualified? Miley's dance skills suck, but Fergie... chickenhead can. not. dance. at. all. That hip wiggle thing does not count.

The Bottom Line: ACDC got robbed!

Miley Cyrus - 7 Things (Live)
Easily the best live performance ever on FNMTV. This is also 679 times better than the real video. Notice how Miley plays to the camera instead of the crowd and wears herself out from all the running around. I have to say, the girl has energy.

Hawthorne Heights - Rescue Me
Let this be a lesson that a Les Paul and a Flying V will not save your video (or band) from sucking. Basically, there is a crappy band with skinny ties and a girl playing Harry Houdini with technicolor stuff in the water. I'm not sold.

David Banner - Shawty Say ft. Lil Wayne
Basically... be nice to your lady and raise your kids. Otherwise, David Banner is going to sample a Lil Wayne track and then blow your lady's back out while you sit at home. alone. At least, I think that's the point - Banner mumbles a lot.

All Time Low - Poppin
Oh I get it. It's another video making fun of suburban white kids and their love of gaudy hip hop style and trappings. Isn't making fun of a cliche even more cliche? Also, this band blows. They sound like what garbage would sound like, if garbage sang and played instruments.

Miley Cyrus - Fly on The Wall (Live)
Miley, you were doing so well until this! I can't bring myself to say good things about this. In fact, I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't a B-52s cover. And the secret spy dancers? Come on, we all know you can't dance. (Of course, I can't wait to see the end of the battle on Monday)

The bottom line: It's kind of a wash, but Miley Cyrus still places above everyone else this week. Till next time.

The Track: Ok. Marco Polo, is that supposed to be slang? I don't get it. The beat is ridiculous and is basically a ripoff of Jibbs' Chain Hang Low. The speed up/slow down chorus isn't helping either. You might be tempted to call it 'call and response,' but I'd like to propose something different: retarded.

Bow Wow's last few singles have made it clear that he can't carry a song by himself. What's worse is that the current hiphop climate enables and encourages this. To his credit, Bow Wow does put up two verses to Soulja Boy's one. Soulja Boy's delivery is weak and borders on monotone at times. How this kid got a deal is beyond me. He seems content to just shit all over the track and call it a wrap.

Marco Polo is a cut and dry brag track, but it does have a couple comical lines.

Went to the mall and I blacked out / Now my closet full of J'z like a crackhouse.

This is not the matrix, but I am the Oracle. Do you want to get me with me? The question is rhetorical.

Of course there are plenty of poorly conceived lines too. 'First one to put ice in a G Shock' So you put diamonds in a cheap plastic watch. How does this make you a baller? S.O.B. cause girls love the initials. last time I checked, being an SOB wasn't sweet at all.

There is way too much name/brand dropping on this cut. I think rappers need to cut back, or at least stop promoting the same gaudy shit. Louis Vuitton peaked in the 60s. Oh, and 'the next Will Smith'? Sure. Whatever you say.

The Video: Basically, Bow Wow and Soulja Boy are doing community service cleaning up a beach/pool. They get bored and decide to have a 'tween beach/pool party. Marco Polo is a pool game so, that's how they tie it back to the track.

The connection is tenuous at best, and it certainly doesn't help that no one is actually playing Marco Polo. More importantly - when did Marco Polo become Peekaboo? And the subtitles. I think this video was made for illiterate, man-babies who need something to watch while Blue's Clues is on hiatus. The video girls are cute and all - but I can tell that this video is definitely for the teenage set. The whole thing reminds me of a 15 year old's MySpace inspired fantasy.

I've said it before, but Bow Wow really really really wishes he was T.I. He is jocking his style way too hard. He's even trying to copy homeboy's body language. Honestly, If I were T.I. (or T.I.P.) I would have to sue. Soulja Boy on the other hand is just the newest member of the 'how stupid can I look on camera club'. The sunglasses, the backpack, the board 'shorts'. If you ever want to be taken seriously - wear clothes that fit. I can no longer tolerate dress sized white T's, beaters, long shorts, and other ridiculous fashion choices. I know Bow Wow can dress better - he used to hang out with Omarion for chrissakes!

Oh, and speaking of jocking styles, when did Bow Wow start thinking he was Mike Jones? The phone number at the end was genius self promotion - but how could you rip that off 3 years after the fact?

The Bottom Line: Soulja Boy sucks. Bow Wow can't do a solo track. This video is an embarassment to hiphop.

Danity Kane - Bad Girl
Diddy's girls make a mockery and tries to cash in on the comic book movie trend. Missy Elliot drops a verse too. Oh, and there are some costume changes that go by too fast to appreciate. Mannequins have more personality than these ladies.

Bow Wow - Marco Polo
Wow. I have way too much to say about this - so I'll save it for this week's full length music video review. Watch out for that early next week. short version: trite unrepentant tween garbage.

Chromeo - Momma's Boy
This is a 2008 update of A-Ha's Take on Me with a vocoder and without the falsetto) Not sure I dig the thematic content though. Seems a bit too Elektra/Odepius.

Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Live)
Hey TPC has anyone ever told you that you're like a really shitty version of The Shins combined with The Strokes?

Chromeo wins the award for least terrible video this week.

Proper doubles are subtle and they don't call attention to themselves. Listen to 99 Problems by JayZ. You barely notice it, but Jay doubles during the chorus. It adds a whole new acoustic dimension. This is what Puffy was getting at.

A 'delay double' is when you repeat a certain line or excerpt again for emphasis - but it's delayed a second or two. For example, you may hear something like 'Shorty be the hottest thing I ever seen,' followed quickly by 'I ever seen'. Often it will be whispered or hushed and extended.

Delay doubles are used extensively in hip hop and pop music. The reasoning is simple: it's easy and it simulates a listener repeating his favorite part of a lyric. If you hear a particularly good punchline, the kind that makes you go 'ooooo snap!' and hip hop heads live for, you may be tempted to repeat the last two or three words. That is what the delay double is after. Producers are trying to encode this reaction into the track up front.

A prime example of offensive delay doubling is Bustit Baby by Plies. Take a listen. He does it on every. single. line. First, there are no punchlines worth repeating. Second, even if there were - repeating the last two words of each line is just plain annoying; your listeners are not deaf! Someone please clue me in - how does this sell records? Is this what's hot in the street? Is this what you'd call really hood? Sadly, this is not an isolated incident.

Usher and Jeezy are both guilty of misdemeanor delay doubling on Love in This Club. I think I could cosign the delay if it were used a little more sparingly, but things as they are, I want to slap every artist employing it. Other offenders include: Destiny's Child (Soldier), Mariah Carey (Touch My Body), The Dream's (I Luv Ur Girl) and heaps and heaps of others. Even Mos Def must be brought to task (Ghetto Rock)!

I'm sorry to say it, but delay doubles may one day unseat the vocoder as the worst thing to ever happen to music.

Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up (Live)
OMFG it's Hanson! No wait, it's a non-girl-looking version of Hanson that wishes it was Maroon 5. As usual, this live performance is kind of half-assed. Watch the real video instead. It's stupid, but Danny Trejo is in it for like 3 seconds. That dude is awesome.

Nelly - Body On Me
Uhm... Did Nelly and Ashanti get back together? Am I that out of the loop? Didn't he crush her and she was doing late night drivebys or something? Either way, this is a pretty low impact video. Akon's voice is nearly tolerable for once too. Nothing special or even that flashy here. Surprising considering the whole thing takes place in a casino.

Shwayze - Corona and Lime
I won't comment on how ridiculous Shwayze is as a concept. You can read the artist bio yourself. The video is funny enough though. It's a little California Girls and a little Weird Al. That said, these have to be the whitest and least freaky deaky 'video-hos' ever. You could take this video home to mama or show it to your 8 year old.

Slipknot - Psycho Social
All I know about Slipknot is that they have a lot of drummers and they like masks. Both were present and I think I saw a tympany too. There is some stuff on fire - giant paper mache heads I believe. Who writes the treatments for these videos? If I were a record label exec I would be thinking, "My toddler's nightmares are more creative than this."

Lesley Roy - I'm Gone, I'm Going
Only two words to describe this: CHUBRIL LAVIGNE.

The Track: When I realized this was the track from the Verizon commercial I've seen at the movies for the last 2 months, I almost shut it off. But I lingered. It turns out the worst part of the song is that keyboard intro before the bass really drops in. The beat is courtesy of The Runaways and not Timbaland. No guest verse, no vocoder, no screechy notes, no skits, no dance breakdown, none of that stuff. It is listenable, and so far, I haven't noticed the severely flawed logic present in other current hits such as Danity Kane's Damaged. Love it or hate it - prepare to hear this in the club all effing summer long.

The Video: Whoever wrote the treatment for this video watches a lot of HBO. This is Million Dollar Baby meets Flashdance meets The Pussy Cat Dolls. Confused? There is boxing, a wardrobe stolen from Jennifer Beals' closet, and wet hair / dancing that reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. Perhaps she rubbed off on Keri during the Scream shoot?

It probably went something like this: Ok, We'll dress up Keri in something totally backdrop-inappropriate and she will alternatively spar and makeout with her trainer; he must have tattoos. Oh - she knocks some other chick out too, and at the end she gets ugly highlights and leaves.

Keri's silver tapsuit (is that what it's called?) is as ridiculous as her interpretive dancing/voguing, and I swear I saw some Happy Hands Club choreography in there. It was kind of hard to watch this without wanting to laugh. Hilson does look good and is clearly doing the damn thing, but I'm not sold.

The Bottom line: Energy is better heard and not seen.

me: I think I found my next Girl I Want To Stick It To
ro: Oh yeah?
ro: Who
me: Cute Female Vocalist aka  Sara Bareilles / Aimee Mann / Fiona Apple / Regina Spektor
me: well ok, Aimee Mann isn't really "cute"
ro: CFV...where do you come up with this stuff?

Sara Bareilles may have a strong nose, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing and her music is accessible - which I like in my female vocalists. She writes songs that aren't atrocious, spiked with vocoder, or full of the screechy notes that R&B divas are infatuated with.

Aimee Mann's music is like Valium, and that combined with a shot of Jack Daniels is how I get through winter. Thanks Chris, (my roommate from freshman year) for introducing me.

Fiona Apple recorded the best music she ever would when she was 16, but it took me till I was 25 to realize it. That record gets a lot of play according to my iTunes stats. Fiona is sort of the antithesis of a PPG but that pout is pretty attractive.

And Regina! Regina Spektor is too cute for words and it's disarming. One minute you're listening to these sweet love songs and then BAM! she's cursing like a sailor, singing about about ODing, and belting out funny ditties about people fucking to her music.

The conversation ended pretty abruptly since Ro was busy last week, but you get the point. Female vocalists and particularly those who play the piano, (do you play Aimee?), rank pretty high in my book. My friend Evan came to the same conclusion a year or two before I did and he won't let me forget it.

Cute Female Vocalist, I'd love to help you warm up before the show. Don't get it? How about this: I'd like to stick it to you.

LL Cool J - Baby
Mr. Smith brings the ennui with a vocoder chorus, weak rhymes, terrible attempts at dancing, graphic Ts, and endorsements of drunk driving.

She and Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward spin us a macabre acid trip with a subdued soundtrack. She gets axed a few times, there are some sort of Pacman-esque ghosts, and then I'm not sure what happens. It sort of kills me to watch this since Zooey is capable of so much better.

Daughtry - What About Now: 90 Second Preview
Is this supposed to be a PSA or a reimagining of Van Halen's Right Now? Either way, it's so boring that even MTV could only stomach 90 seconds of it.

Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Live)
Zooey Deschanel doppelganger hops around in a short floral print jumper singing her crappy song. Nothing to see here folks. Seriously.

Rihanna - Take a Bow (Live)
I can handle the song and the lackluster performance, but the haircut is maddening. She looks like Halle Berry from the early 90s - and that's not meant as a compliment.

T.I. - No Matter What
This whole thing seems really out of place. T.I. is at the top of his game right now - so why is he doing with a track that belongs on a comeback CD? T.I. needs to be doing more Big Things Poppin and less stuff like this. The track and video are boring and about 10 years too early.

No Age - Eraser
The first 2/3rds of the song is an extended intro instrumental without any depth. The remaining 1/3rd is incomprehensible and visually obscured by a fog machine, lights, and transitions. A huge whooshing waste of production dollars.

Day 26 - Since You've Been Gone
Jagged Edge and Blackstreet weren't what I would call originals in the realm of R&B, but they had their own sound. This song smells way too much like them though. Diddy, you need to get right and figure out what you want to do with BadBoy. Also, graphic T's are so over - is HipHop really just waking up to them?

Maroon 5 - If I Never See Your Face Again (Live)
The best thing that Adam Levine ever did was the I Ran SNL video with Andy Samberg, while Rihanna's last decent video was Shut Up And Drive. I really miss the razor sharp bob she had going before. This performance is 8 types of crap. And Levine should chop 'em off already - it'd be a lot easier than the falsetto.

The Track: Nelly is no stranger to songs about fashion accessories or shoes, ie Grillz and Air Force Ones. He also has a good working relationship with Jermaine Dupri. A recipe for success right? Well it's a recipe, that's for sure. The track sounds like a LOT like Grillz - minus knock. I suppose I should appreciate his dedication to a particular subject and being able towrite an entire song about it, but I can't. Downright trite and derivative I say! Singing a song where half the lyrics read like a Jordan's catalog exhibit's neither talent nor creativity.

There is no point discussing the outlandishness of the message here either. Obviously there are worse things than scuffing your $200 Nikes. But, to put it in perspective - if I were 16 and had just spent $200 on new shoes - a scuff would seriously fuck up my whole day.

Right after Ciara's verse, Nelly throws back to J-Kwon's Tipsy and it totally made my day. All the lyrical genius is stored right here: "patent leather #11's we call 'em Space Jams," "a spare off in my car just in case I catch a scar" That is what I expect for a top tier artist like Nelly. Sadly, 15 seconds of genius isn't going to make up for the other 4.75 minutes of crap.

The Video: What possesses a man to write two songs about Nikes? Most likely a lot of free shoes. Perhaps Nelly can give SJP some tips. Homeboy is decked out in Jordan gear from head to toe. It borders on shameless label whoring. The video is a commercial for the cult of Air Jordan. If you like Jordan's you'll probably like it, and if not (like me) - you won't.

The scene with the dude in the Celtics Jersey may not seem funny, but it is probably the funniest part of the video. That or Dupri's ridiculous glasses. Nelly doesn't exactly excel at comedy the way someone like T.I. does.

The turning point is when Ciara shows up, out of nowhere, and reminds us of her important contributions to hiphop. Namely, her excellent dancing skills and smoking' hot body. Is she dropping an album anytime soon? The last one was pretty good.

The Bottom Line: I'll watch anything with Ciara in it.

Lil Mama - I'm What It Is (Strike a Pose)

Old skool rope chains, T-Pain sans vocoder channeling the pied piper, and Missy Elliot style antics make for a pretty kid-friendly video. I wouldn't hesitate to show this to an 8 year old.

Boys Like Girls - Thunder

The band members all have similar haircuts to other bands, they sing slow and deep at first and then jump up an octave to belt out the chorus. Flashback / performance videos like this are boring. If I want to relive getting drunk in high school and doing dumb townie shit... I'll look out my window at the douchebag highschoolers on summer vacation.

Shawty Lo - Foolish (Remix)

DJ Khaled has never been on a decent track, so this was doomed from the beginning. Morever, what self respecting rapper wears a beater when he has a gut - and for that matter CAPRIS? I'm not even watching the rest of this video. 39 seconds in and I am over it. I won't even mention that Baby, AKA The Birdman, drops a vocoder verse.

Vampire Weekend - Oxford Comma

This actually did not suck. The whole thing reminded of a Wes Anderson movie- but one that didn't suck. In fact, if all of Wes Anderson's stuff was this short and pithy - Nick and I might like the guy a lot more.

Duffy - Mercy (Live)

I don't know much about Duffy, but her voice is definitely an acquired taste. I can get into the track, but I'd like it more if it were by another vocalist. ZING! Other than that, this ain't much to write home about. Here is the original video.

Lil Wayne - A Milli (Live)

It's no secret that I'm not a huge fan of Lil Wayne's recent records - but apparently he gets crowds hype. And really, how can I disagree with that? If you can rock 'em right, you must be doing something right. He did race through the song though - he was def in a hurry to get out of there.

That's it ladies and gents. You don't have to go home - you can stay and comment here!

A quick screening test: Looks? Yes. Voice? Natch. Down with DipSet? Sweet. Broadway experience? Bonus. Élan has clearly got it going on - but that alone isn't going to make me crack a fat. In a world of precision-manufactured pop music you need to distinguish yourself or you're just another cute girl on Entourage.

So, what then does Élan bring to the table? The same thing a recently engaged mutual friend of Nick and mine does: her nose. More specifically, how she wrinkles it.

No joke! The way Élan wrinkles her nose when she sings, high up around the top of the bridge, is the sexiest thing ever. Watch the Sean Kingston video and you'll see what I mean. It doesn't even have to be a happy wrinkle! Pouty and angry wrinkles can be sexy too.

Hate your nose? In college, I took an engineering math class called Numerical Methods from a professor named Kenji Shimada. Kenji is big into computer graphics and modeling the human form. One day his lecture went tangent and he tried to explain how math and beauty are related. According to him, mathematical discontinuities make your face unique and interesting. The bridge of your nose is a particular type of discontinuity called a saddle point. Saddle points can be a pain in the ass mathematically speaking (cut to me checking for local extrema in calculus), but without them your face would be two-dimensional and easy to forget - like a kneecap. Your nose adds depth, balance, makes you recognizable, and is unique to you. Think about that the next time you curse your ski slope.

In short: Élan Luz Rivera, your nose puts you head and shoulders above the rest. And yes, I would like to stick it to you.

The new music videos are linked below along with a very brief synopsis. Honestly, I disliked all of these videos enough that I won't waste our time with full length reviews.

Flo Rida w/ Will.I.Am - Ayer
Will.I.Am and Flo Rida do a club track with a crappy hook - in a bank. At least it's not about strippers this time. Of note: the video girls are not up to par; I posit this video was done on the cheap - ironic considering the setting.

The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go
It's basically a younger (blonde) version of The White Stripes. Remember Seven Nation Army? Yeah, this is just like that. Seriously, track and video.

Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up
Carmit, Kimberly, Ashley, Jessica, and Melody - I totally get it. You wanted to be famous sooo bad that you smeared on fake tanner, took dance classes, and did a lot of crunches. And look, you totally got it! Now you get to dance in the background and compete for screentime while Nicole sings! Sofa King Great!

Snoop Dogg ft. Everlast and Willie Nelson - My Medicine
Hey Snoop - didn't Nelly have a country crossover hit back in 2004 with Tim McGraw? Aren't you a bit late to the party? Snoop is a pimp no matter what medium he operates in. This 'country' track is no exception. I have to give him cred for attempting this, but "I'd like to dedicate this record right here to my main man Johnny Cash - a real American Gangster" Are you effing serious?

Panic at the Disco - That Green Gentleman (Live)
A live performance is hardly a video - and I am fairly ignorant about this group. So, I looked up the actual video. WAY BETTER. I don't dig the track, but the video is totally watchable.

And the coup de grace: Snoop Dogg and Panic At the Disco - Gin and Juice
E P I C   F A I L. This is as pointless and brand damaging as Snoop's shortlived TV show. I know, I know, MTV sort of created you - but did you take a bloodoath or something requiring you to do whatever they ask?

In any case, Ray J's new video for Gifts drops this week and guess who has something to say about it.

The Track: The song itself can be summed up pretty easily, this girl has nice humps and is rather adept at working poles. Perhaps it is obvious, but Ray J would like to stick it to her. I can certainly appreciate the sentiment. But seriously, when is hiphop's obsession with strippers/stripclubs going to end? I'm not sure this is how we should be spending our stimulus checks. Additionally, how uncreative is 'gifts'? My humps introduced a new phrase into the lexicon - gifts does nothing for me.

Regarding the beat, I dig it. I'm not sure it's a club beat, but maybe it'll get remixed. If you take your beats with brutal knock you may want to sit this one out. The vocoder is a bit excessive and I could do without it, but there's no escaping it these days.

Something that surprised me was the absence of a guest verse. I was really expecting another lame wannabe like Yung Berg to lay down a short 'me too' verse. Considering the ubiquity of guest spots on today's hiphop records, I am actually pleasantly surprised. I like it when an artist pulls off an entire song by himself - so kudos for that.

Ray J is all about making accessible music for people who don't really listen to hiphop. While I was on vacation I was reminded of how many people ignore hiphop lyrics at the club. If that is you, this could be your new summer jam.

The Video: It is official, I am sick of the "white background, widescreen" video. Jay Z, this is your fault. It may be easy to film, but come on - how about some production value, a little bit of spectacle.

The video combines the following: hot ladies, dancers, an entourage, a few high priced accessories, and an official 2 step. This may have passed for a cool minimalist video a few years ago, but not today. I need a little more than this to hold my attention. I need visual gags, punchlines, and a shot of at least one car.

There are no strippers in this video. The girls we see are definitely not strippers. Most songs with references to strippers at least have some suggestive booty dancing. This video has a 2 step - which is one step removed from swaying back and forth. In fact, the girls seem to be included only because without them it'd be a sausage fest. This video is all about showcasing Ray J and his post-Kardashian / Sexy Can I image.

Lastly, like any artist Ray is proud of his record sales. Unlike other artists, he seems to be exceptionally proud of his digital downloads and presents us with a large plaque. Apparently he has sold over 500,000 copies of Sexy Can I online, primarily to 13 year olds and sorority girls no doubt.

The Bottom Line: It's Pop-hop. Plain and simple.

I decided that my old video rating criteria was kinda weak. So, instead of the usual beat, video, content, and vocals, I'm going to break it into the track and the video. I'll still cover the same stuff, but organizationally this is simpler.

The Track: This is the 'get hype' track to play at your next blockparty or Friday night pre-game. Instead of club knocking body thumping bass, the percussion is all tablas and bongos. The beat is courtesy of the Hitmen - in case you were wondering.

Vocally, Busta is at his best when he speeds up his delivery. As with Touch It, he varies his flow between slow, fast, soft, and loud. Unlike Touch It, there is no verbal trigger ('Get low Bust' and 'Turn it up!') signaling the change; Busta's flo is like a sine wave with its crescendos. I noticed very little, if any, namedropping - which is pretty rare in hiphop these days. The flipside is that there isn't much in the way of a killer punchline either;  'I keep a smile on my face but carry the Bushmaster!' is about the best I heard.

The Video: First of all, Spliff Star is still around? WTF? Seriously, Busta - dude has been in like every one of your videos but gets ZERO rhyme time, and he looks like a turtle. Spliff must be the most patient hype man ever - its been over 10 years since we first saw him.

Anyway - this video is seriously all about 'what else can we get Busta to put on?' Homie rocks no less than 5 different hats, 3 wigs, and 6 different outfits. I bet dude has bespoke suits from Saville Row too. The newscaster wig and the King Kong outfit are hilarious.

The treatment for the video went something like this: We'll take Busta, Spliff, some unrelated sets, a trailer full of ridiculous outfits, a camera, the entourage, a couple ladies, and a fire hose and let them go wild for a few hours. None of the vignettes relate to each other. I think the director had five or six mediocre ideas and decided to film all of them even though the song was only 3.5 minutes long.

Touch It had the same basic video with more girls. Maybe Busta feels that the music video is becoming less and less relevant? More importantly - what do you think?

The Bottom Line: An accessible party track with an unrelated video. 3 out of 5 potential heatrocks (if I had such a scale)

Alicia needs to write more songs like this. It's light and breezy, totally unlike like some of her other tracks (Karma comes to mind). For a little while, I have been worried that Alicia was incapable of writing a song without  devastating heartbreak somewhere along the way.

Now, I could break it down for you AS style (beat, video, content, and vocals) - but that would really just be a waste of time here. We can take it for granted that: A Keys can sing, her songs have great thematic content, and she has an excellent production team. That leaves one thing: the video.

AK claims that the video was inspired by School Daze. As I noted in this week's podcast, I'm not really familiar with most of the Spike Lee canon - so that doesn't mean much to me. But, after watching this video I may have to see it.

The video is basically a backdrop for Alicia Keys to play dress-up. That said, I have not seen A Keys look this good since that collabo she did with Usher. The big gold earrings? Awesome. The black mermaid dress? Amazing. And it doesn't stop there - a little pink lipstick and Ms. Keys goes from classically elegant to seductive and sultry. Outside of a photoshoot - this is arguably the best that Alicia has ever looked onscreen. (Sidenote, is it just me, or does A Keys look a little like Sasha Grey with the blue eyeshadow in the scenes where she's on her bed?)

The big thing that distresses me about A Keys is telephones and side conversations. This video continues Alicia's ridiculous habit of featuring phone conversations in her videos. It is totally superfluous and serves no purpose. This theme is present in no less than 4 of her videos.

The Bottom Line: Alicia Keys does pop music and looks good doing it.

The first Wiz Khalifa track I ever heard was Pittsburgh Sound and I dug it. Youngin' on his Grind was kinda ehhh and I believe Nick did not feel it either. I don't think Wiz is as inspired as JayZ or anything - but I like that he reps the 412, how he refers to PA as Pistolvania, and that he produces his videos locally on a small budget (or so it seems).

Now then, I currently live in PEORIA, ILLINOIS - hardly a hothouse of hiphop talent and certainly not a trendsetting market for music. Last week, I heard a new track that sampled that ridiculous Alice Deejay techno-pop song Better Off Alone. Imagine my surprise when the DJ came on and said "Hope you liked that new joint by Wiz Haleefa." I nearly crashed my car!

I raced home, flipped up YouTube, and briefly mourned upon discovering that DJ was in fact telling the truth. So, try to stay calm - I'll break it down for you with what I like to call: The AudioShocker Method

The Beat: I'm not sure what posessed Wiz to choose this beat - or why it is getting airplay. I know the economy is in the toilet - but listening to music from 1999 isn't going to reverse the recession. This track is not a viable economic stimulus package. In short: too much synth, too little knock. This is inline with last week's Usher video.

The Video: Like I said earlier, Wiz's videos always look really amateur. Whether that is a label issue or a personal preference is unclear - but I don't mind. I have a strong feeling this was taped in Pittsburgh. The tip off? None of these girls are good dancers, so they couldn't be professional video hos.

The 'around the world' concept was good - even if it was entirely green screened. I really enjoyed the part with the British Guard getting down. It rips off that Fergie video, but I'll let it slide. Also, the astronaut doing the moonwalk - PRICELESS! That sealed it for me.

My only real gripe is that in a city FULL of Indian women, the casting director couldn't find 4 for the India segment? I swear I saw a white chick in there somewhere. Or maybe that was for the Middle Eastern portion. Either way, poor casting.

The Content: Another song about making it rain on girls in the strip club? I'm really getting tired of this. Where are these strip clubs that have good looking girls? I ask, because Pittsburgh is not one of them. The chorus is weak and the verse is devoid of new slang or funny references (both extremely important in my book). I feel like I have already heard every joke and punchline in this song before. You know, in every one of those other songs about strippers and the rain dance.

The Vocals: Wiz doesn't have much in the way of a unique style. He lacks a distinct sound that you would immediately recognize and associate with him. Maybe he just needs more time in the game.

The Bottom Line: Wiz regurgitates tired thematic content over an ill-chosen beat and presents it with a rough around the edges - but entertaining video.

Usher just dropped a new video: Love In This Club, perhaps you have heard of it. By now, you should be familiar with our criteria: beat, video, content, and vocals.

The Beat: When I first heard this, I thought I was listening to the world's worst house / trance / techno / whatever track. The piano doesn't fit and either does the dance breakdown. While it screams "remix me a million times", I can not get into it. Yeah may have been the last good beat that Usher had - and that was a Lil Jon production!

The Video: Usher really must dig Jacksons, because this is not his first mini-movie music video. The concept: Usher hallucinates some cute girl in an empty club, parties with an bunch of celebrity cameos, does a little dance, and then magically she's gone along with the club and he's standing in a pile of rubble. Yup, totally ridiculous. It's kind of like the Usher Raymond version of Thriller - only the girl is in control, there aren't any zombies, and there is no redeeming or comedic value to it.

The cameos were irrelevant and homeboy jocs Kanye's style. The sunglasses, the black leather jacket and outfit - all stolen from the Good Life video. Of course, Kanye cosigns with his cameo, so maybe it isn't a big deal. The video overuses lens-flares more than the new Danity Kane joint and has an orange cast to it. Also, what is with the chains that the girls keep giving out? I don't think that is ever explained.

On the positive side, the video doesn't rely on product placement or slow closeups of iced out watches. Although, there was a great opportunity to plug Louboutin heels that went unutilized.

The Content: I won't spend time on the chorus because there is nothing to say, though I will take issue Jeezy's mediocre verse.

'Bout to hit the club make a movie yeah rated R... blah blah blah something about being a trap star.

Jeezy, you really couldn't find something to rhyme with Rated X? I've been to weddings with more scandalous dance floors than your average R-rated movie.

Also - 'on the floor' of the club? Have you ever looked at the floor of a nightclub? It's gross. I'm fairly sure if you stare at the floor long enough you'll contract the clap.

The Vocals: Does anyone really dig Jeezy's flow? I do not. Usher could have gotten a much slicker MC to do the verse. I vote for Young Joc. T-Pain's Bartender may have the Vocoder Virus - but it was infinitely better than this.

The Bottom Line: Seriously Usher Raymond, what the hell? This is by far the worst track I have heard this year. Crappy beat, ridiculous chorus, bad verses, poorly lit and photographed video, etc etc etc. The list just keeps on going. I'm sorry to hate so much, but I can't help it!

Have a different point of view? Tell me all about it below!

The Beat: I didn't like Blue Magic. I don't like this beat either and both were produced by The Neptunes. I think Pharrell keeps the best beats for tracks where he gets a video cameo. I am remarkably unimpressed by this beat. It is too acid/downtempo (well, minus some of the bass). This shit belongs in a darkly lit lounge. And speaking of darkly lit...

The Video: Who shoots an entire video in the dark? Whatever the significance, it is lost upon me. Why even bother shooting a video if you can't see it? Even Bjork videos make more sense than this.

The Content: According to MTV, 'Jigga's not just an obsession -- he's an addiction.' Ok, I get it: JayZ's music/lovegame is so fresh that this girl is straight fiending for it. The punchlines and metaphors aren't top notch - but they don't depend on namedropping either (which is good). The sexual/addiction angle is well applied and tame enough that it won't be mutilated by radio.

The Vocals: JayZ has a great delivery and can ride beats exceptionally well. It is well documented, and I can't clown it at all. Remember the Gray Album and how awesome that was? Yeah, me too. However, Jigga's delivery is out of place here. The whole thing sounds like an extended guest verse on someone else's track. I am not feeling it.

The Bottom Line: The merit of the verse is overpowered by the mediocrity of the beat and unwatchable video. Maybe someone will remix this over another beat and it'll sound better. The only good track/video off this disc so far has been Roc Boys (And the Winner Is).