This post is my declaration of intent (which Neal told me not to declare) to post a shitload of opinions and ratings of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies in the form of TXT Message Reviews.
For how long, you ask? I'll be posting every Saturday for the forseeable future. I'm over halfway through JCVD's film catalog, which I'm watching in (somewhat) chronological order, so this should be going on for at least a few months.
For every new Van Damme TXT Message Review I post here on the blog, I'll also tweet the full review in our AudioShocker Twitter feed. Why? Many of these JCVD TXT Message Reviews are rewrites of reviews I originally tweeted in my own personal feed, so they're already in that format. Twatters should be on the lookout for #JCVD because each review I tweet will be tagged with that.
Don't miss the Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews fun -- it all starts on Halloween a.k.a. next Saturday, October 31, 2009!!!
P.S. Also, this Monday, check out a special Culturology wherein Pete and I discuss the importance of Bloodsport and Kickboxer, contrasting and comparing the films and their themes.
It was raining in New Haven today, which meant the movie theater was going to get mobbed by 4pm. So, in order to avoid the hoard of marauding teenagers, my brother and I decided on the 1:15 viewing of Marvel's newest masterpiece, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. As usual, our reactions in 160 characters of less (seriously Twitter, what is with the 140 limit?)
Neal thinks it stinks
Was not a fan. Alt ending was lame. The whole thing was just refs to other characters and setups for other movies. Remy was shitty too. And Will.I.Am??
Nick attended a later screening in Pittsburgh and had this to say:
Nick says it's a go
I enjoyed the Wolverine movie. It had its problems but overall it was pretty fun. They really fucked up Deadpool, but it still managed to make sense. 7 outta 10
Personally, I think Mr. Marino is being way too generous (I do agree re Deadpool), but he is entitled to his opinion (as are you). Look for our heated debate on Tuesday, in Podcast Episode 79!
A few hours ago, I emerged from a dark theater into an equally dark parking lot and briefly mistook it for spring. My car was covered in dew and all around me kids were lighting cigarettes and chatting excitedly about what they had just seen. Cellphones flipped open, engines cranked, and I quickly said peace to my friends as I headed home. It was 2:45 AM when I checked my watch. This was my first midnight show, and I'm glad it was for The Watchmen. It's late, so I probably won't send this text message to Nick, but here is what I wrote on my way to the car - please note - there is some minor spoiler material here:
Vivid. Rorschach does not disappoint. Manhattan's CG was terrible - and Ozzy pins it all on him? Opening credits were long, but good use of the Hollis material.
Doc Manhattan ponders it all
Lesser things worth mentioning: The mix, or at least the hits are very crisp; you can hear bones snapping and the sickening thuds in astounding aural clarity. Costumes were done well too. I can't help but think that Mad Men is responsible for the reemergence of skinny ties. And to those excited by CG male genitalia - there is plenty of blue Manhattan penis!
As we enter the last painstaking week before the Watchmen movie, it is important that we don't develop tunnel vision. Nick and I have been talking up the Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li movie for a hot minute, and it came out today. As you may remember from last week, we were already on the fence about this - but really, any chance to see Kristin Kreuk and Moon Bloodgood should be exercised. I caught the 5:30 showing tonight - and I think this is telling - the theater was empty. No one knew about this movie, or cares apparently. It looks like that apathy is justified. Here is the rundown in 160 characters or less:
SF blew. No lightning or helicopter kicks. Big let down. Wasn't funny either. Did Ricketts cast this one too? I'd rather re-watch the original with Van Damme.
I'm not saying that I expected an Oscar winner. Obviously, that was going to be lame flick - but this was overly lame. The best part is when Bison starts using one of his henchpeople as a puching bag - literally. A little iMDB work exposes the real issue: The director, Andrzej Bartkowiak. Everything he touches turns into garbage. His resume includes such stinkers as DOOM, Cradle 2 The Grave, and Exit Wounds. Perhaps if DMX and Anthony Anderson had played Balrog and Vega, things would have been different. Sadly, this one was DOOMed from the start. Lastly, whoever did the costumes for this movie should be shot. - just my personal opinion.
More: What Went Wrong with Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li?
And more: Video of a Girl Fight in the Ladies Room Makes the Chun-Li Movie Look Weird
Saturday afternoon, Peoria Illinois, 1:35pm, a jam packed movie theater. I'm there to see Eastwood's new flick Gran Torino and apparently so is everyone else in town. The $5 matinee is hard to pass up. Post-flick I tried to send nick a text, but after dropping my phone so many times, I can't use the backspace key. Anyway, here is what I would have said in 160 characters or less:
Gran Torino is Clint making racist jokes, being surly, and 'manning up' a young kid. Good stuff. The audience and I dug it. You might too, don't be a pussy.
That's all I'm going to give you right now. Tune in to Podcast Episode 63 this Tuesday for the full rundown.
I had my good annual review today and I worked past 3pm on a Friday (I rarely make it past 3:01). Rare form indeed. I also have nothing to do this weekend except grad school applications. So, I figured I deserved a small treat and went to see Marvel Knights' first picture: Punisher Warzone. I expected a lot of squibs and gun play - like something out of perennial favorite The Boondock Saints - but I was not quite prepared for this. As usual, my postmortem, as furiously tapped out to Nick, in 160 characters or less.
Warzone. HOLY FUCK! You know shit is real when Castle blows up a dude in midair. Tom Jane and Travolta could never have done this. W I L D.
Seriously, shit gets wild in the first ten minutes when Frank Castle decapitates an old man, murders his wife, and all takes out an entire dinner party in 35 seconds. in the dark. It is kind of like a fakely-serious Army of Darkness, and Ray Stevenson is my new pick to be the next Bruce Campbell.
Want to hear more? Well perhaps you should tune in this Tuesday for Podcast #59!
I read Ross Campbell's Wet Moon 4: Drowned in Evil graphic novel last week in preparation for our podcast interview airing on December 2, 2008. Here's the text message I sent to Ross when I was done:
Finished wet moon 4. Loved unknown, the cleo & mara thing, and especially the ending.
For good measure, here's an interview with Ross on Comic Book Resources about Water Baby and Wet Moon 4. And for extra awesome measure, here are the AudioShocker's most recent podcast interviews with Ross, one about Water Baby and the other about Wet Moon 4.
I mentioned earlier this week that Bond movies are uniquely formulated to appeal to a wide audience. James Bond is popular because his moves are predictable and consistently entertaining. Despite a battery of negative press, I braved the cold and the cynics to form my own opinion. My thoughts follow, as usual, in 160 characters or less.
QoS sucked. No humor, no gadgets, no fun; I'm unimpressed. The best part was the Minority Report style computer interface. This 'Gritty' 007 is boring.
Oh well, perhaps Daniel Craig will get it right next time.
When I first saw the trailer for Tropic Thunder, I was less than impressed. 'Oh great, another Ben Stiller movie with umpteen quotes that I'll be hearing for the next three years.' Well, the quotability doesn't compare to Zoolander, but the movie cracked me up. (a celebrity packed cast certainly didn't hurt) Here's the deal: 160 characters or less - as texted to Nick upon egress.
tropic thunder was pretty effin funny. tom cruise puts it down! def better than i was expecting. retard humor may not be for everyone, but i dug it.
If you hate opposed to Ben Stiller, you probably won't love this - but I guarantee you'll laugh your ass off.
I decided to take the day off. I needed some Neal time and hit the movies. Two things you may not know about me: I enjoy seeing movies alone and Anna Farris is one of my favorite actresses. She and Regina Hall were the best parts of the Scary Movie flicks. I don't even think I need to mention her performance in Just Friends. So, it was a no-brainer when I realized that her new movie,The House Bunny, opened today. Here's the skinny in 160 characters or less.
anna farris continues to be crazy funny. she's totally in the zone. the other girls are kinda man of the house. didn't realize it was a happy madison movie.
Nick is also a Farris fan. I wonder what he will think... Perhaps you should tune in next Tuesday and find out!
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