If you're a longtime AudioShocker listener, then you already know that I have unusual taste in movies. You may have heard me give a glowing review of something you hated. Or maybe I railed against a film that you and millions of others enjoyed.

Look, I'm not doing this just to be difficult, weird, or different. The fact is that my taste in film just happens to be difficult, weird, and different. It's always been that way since I was a little Nick and I'm pretty sure that'll never change.

So here's my disclaimer:
I have unconventional taste in movies. Keep that in mind when you listen to our podcasts. And, hopefully, once you get a feel for my taste in film, you'll come to understand how my taste relates to yours.

Let me use examples to illustrate my point. My favorite movie of all time is The Naked Gun. It gets a 9/10 on the Nick scale. That's as high as it goes. Nothing has ever received a 10/10 and I doubt anything ever will.

Some of my other favorite films include Kingpin, Total Recall, Balls of Fury, Good Guys Wear Black, Gleaming the Cube, and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. Now are you starting to understand?

Some movies I've enjoyed (and defended) that others have maligned include X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Soul Plane, The Animal, and Charlie's Angels.

I don't care for most movies made before 1970. My favorite genres are blaxploitation, raunchy comedy, martial arts, action comedy, sci-fi and animated fantasy. Are you starting to follow me yet?

Now let's take a look at some of the films I actively dislike. Those include Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, the Bourne series, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Knocked Up, and WALL-E.

Lest you think that I just hate on stuff other people like, there are plenty of films I haven't enjoyed that are commonly disliked -- Green Lantern, X-Men: The Last Stand, Waiting, Cyborg, and Grandma's Boy. Is this all making sense to you?

I'll end with a list of my favorite actors. Just because they're in a film doesn't necessarily mean I'll like the movie... but I'll give it a shot if it stars Rob Schneider, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Anna Farris, Chuck Norris, Pam Grier, Woody Harrelson, Fred Williamson, Terry Crews, or Seann-William Scott

Anyway, I hope this helps. I don't want to disappoint anyone with my movie recommendations, but I also have to be true to myself. So when you hear me say something is good, just reference this blog post to see where we have overlaps and where we disagree.

Here's what I tweeted about Assassination Games:

• Aight!!! It's #JCVD time!!! I'm watching Assassination Games and live tweeting the experience.
• I already hit technical difficulties :)
• I'm eating a veggie protein "sausage flavor" sandwich. Really good. Hahaha I know... who cares, right? Anyway, back to my tech problems...
• I rented Assassination Games from Amazon... first time I've ever tried that before. And the streaming player froze up on me just now...
• Granted, that's after I seeked back a few times and had it paused for a few mins. But still... it shouldn't be freezing this bad!!!
• I refreshed and tried to use Amazon's "Resume" button... but it didn't work. So I have to play from the beginning (I only watched 2 mins)...
• Anyway, on with Assassination Games! I like how it started with a Nietzsche quote... ties in nicely with my current reading: Infinity War.
• And BAM! There's Van Damme :) I love the disguise he has on, with the sideburns. Hilarious.
• I had to rewind it a sec to see if I could see when #JCVD slits the guy's throat. Can't see it.
• The quick kitchen fight scene was great! #JCVD
• Oooooo sponge bath. WAIT... that's Bianca, daughter of #JCVD ... right?
• Ahhh now he looks like himself. #JCVD walking into some kind of beat down building. Music has been great so far, BTW.
• Uhhhhhh weird apartment...
• Ahhhhh it's a fake facade. Very nice touch. Clever. I dig it. The real #JCVD apartment has class. And a butt-load of weapons. AND A TURTLE!

• There's the son of #JCVD Kris. Seems a bit out of place with these older guys.
• Kris is fine, but seems a bit miscast so far.
• Sooooo Scott Adkins... uhhh sponge bathing people and chopping wood. Odd.
• He better be a good fighter cause his acting is RAW.
• The Scott Adkins scene is so boring that I started reading @GynoStar instead of watching Assassination Games. It was worth it :)
• Oooo great song on the radio. Awesome RnB. Gotta check out the soundtrack credits after the movie...
• More #JCVD ... walking to the good song. And more secret rooms. Recurring theme. Hahaha JCVD make a diet joke. Hmmm blood diamonds?
• I like how understated #JCVD has become with his acting.
• FLASHBACK! With Bianca. She's very good!!! But Adkins still somehow boring despite the tension.
• So one of the guys who effed up Bianca is Van Damme's next hit. I get it. And he has new neighbors. Who suck.
• Hahaha funny ringtone. Chess. And... AN ASCOT? I like the guy who dispatches #JCVD in this movie.
• Ohhhh Van Damme's new neighbors are hookers.
• Soooooo the action scene. I'm sorry but Adkins is killing this for me. Oooo weird #JCVD playing the violin scene. Uh oh.
• Hookers getting beat. And #JCVD saves the day, I guess. It's a little confusing. Hmmm more drama.
• Okay, Adkins is good at the action! It's a... #JCVD fight scene!!! The cinematography is solid. Great lighting. Hahaha funny guns.

• Hahahaha #JCVD slipped up for a minute... showed some of his old style of acting! Great.
• What's up with this laser scene? Hahaha what?? His name is Roland Flint? So goofy.
• So the guy who likes to kill and torture people has a scrapbook with his brother in it? HAHAHA
• #JCVD back at home annddddd the hooker is petting the turtle
• That's not a euphemism. Seriously, the hooker was petting his turtle.
• Sooooo the characters in this film: killers or hookers. I don't think there's anything else.
• I'm confused about the Interpol subplot. What do they want?
• Plot thickens! Ascot guy is an ass.
• Awkward whore = killer analogy. Not very clever. Nice #JCVD neighbor confrontation though!
• I get the Interpol subplot now. Exposition! Courtesy the ascot ass.
• "do you dream?" aaahahahahjhaha
• Ha boob closeup with funny rnb. Good stuff.
• What type of underwear is she wearing? Odd bra. Like a strapless sportsbra. Ooo #JCVD kiss
• Adkins is a good fighter. I get it. And #JCVD is being creepy. I smell a turning point.

• Oh shit jumper cables. For the balls? I hope so.
• Whoa. I don't wanna spoil it. But whoa. Raw #JCVD moment
• The Amazon streaming is great quality. Got it running to my tv via hdmi from the laptop
• It's hard to say much now without giving stuff away. But barring a good surprise ending, Assassination Games would get a 6.5 out of 10
• Finally Scott Adkins gets some intensity in his eyes!
• Hahahaha OMG #JCVD with a samurai sword. Fantastic.
• Hrmm so there was the perfect place to end it but then they tried to do an emotional epilogue and that killed it.
• The samurai sword thing would have been the perfect over the top ending for #JCVD in Assassination Games.
• Anyway that's it for now. I'll do a final review later this weekend.
• Assassination Games (2011) - 6/10 - Great stuff (Van Damme's performance, fight scenes) mixed w/ average stuff (plot, overdone ending) #JCVD

Final thoughts: Overall, Assassination Games was a decent movie that tried a bit too hard to be poignant and emotional when it should have focused more on the action.

Also, it did a piss poor job with its female characters (one of them was gang-raped off camera and put into a coma, while the other one was brutally murdered)... so that definitely didn't aid in my enjoyment of the film.

But the movie did some things very right -- Van Damme turned out a solid performance, the fight scenes were quick and strong, and the samurai sword epilogue was outrageously fantastic.

The movie would have scored a 7/10 from me if it had ended on Scott Adkins' creepy smile that followed the samurai sword moment. Instead, the film tried to do a "touching" emotional ending that didn't work because I never effectively connected with the characters in a sentimental way. Not a horrible ending... but enough to knock Assassination Games down to a 6/10.

EDIT: This episode was originally hosted by YIBR, but they've recently taken down all of their old podcasts, soon to be re-uploaded. So here's the audio of this episode instead of the normal YIBR video version. *NOTE* this is the raw audio of the conversation that I provided to the YIBR gang for editing purposes, and there's about a minute and a half of dead air at the beginning. SORRY ABOUT THAT! The conversation begins at excactly 1:31.

That right there? That's 1.5 hours of superhero movie discussion. Yes, I know. It's really long. And it starts off with me ranting about Batman movies. Be forewarned. I geek out kinda hard.

But in all seriousness, I had a fantastic time recording all of the A Month of Yamagato podcasts. MEGA CRAZY HUMONGOUS THX to Beeslo, Mongo, and Link.

Collider is sort of podcasting without realizing they're podcasting. They've got an intense set of live audio, featuring speakers such as Mike Mignola, Robert Downey Jr., and the Captain America screenwriters. Oh, and Jim Lee and Geoff Johns talk about the DC relaunch. Not too shabby.

Here's some of the audio (everything links directly to the mp3s):

• Mike Mignola
• Jim Lee and Geoff Johns (and Grant Morrison)
• Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely (Cap writers)
• Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau pt. 1
• Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau pt. 2

I haven't listened to everything yet, but what I can tell you (based on Collider's descriptions) is that Downey Jr. and Fav talk about the Iron Man movies AND The Avengers movie, Mignola talks briefly about the Hellboy movies and comics, and Lee and Johns are joined by Grant Morrison.

There's also more audio on in the blog post I didn't link to, like Warren Beatty and Richard Donner. So if that's your thing, you should probably pop over to Collider.com and check it out.

Also, I'm eating Crunchy Nut. You'll learn more about that on tomorrow's AudioShocker Podcast #182.

During O, Miami, I met many incredible poets. I also met Kool Moe Dee and Monie Love, both of whom turned out to be incredibly caring and eloquent people.

I also met James Franco, which probably means something to all you fans of the Spider-Man movies. Here's pictorial evidence :

This, I think, would officially be the closest I've ever gotten to an encounter with pop culture. I think you can tell from our facial expressions that it really meant a lot to both of us.

The next most recent encounter, before the festival, was a time two winters ago, when I was walking down the street in Chelsea, Manhattan, just after a large snowstorm, and walked past Willem Dafoe (I know, the other Spider-Man actor!, crazy!), and I was looking at him, being all, like, "I think that's Willem Dafoe!" and he looked right back at me and without even nodding, acknowledged the fact that he was, indeed, Willem Dafoe, and that no words or body language need pass between us.

And one of my best friends kind of looks like Elijah Wood, who is easily confusable with Tobey Maguire, and my mom used to watch Wings a lot, so I feel like I've pretty much met all the important actors from the Spider-Man movies. And Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst.

To compliment our Epic X-Men TV Review Endurance Marathon Extravaganza podcast series, I figure I'll toss the (first) X-Men: First Class movie trailer up here so we can find reasons to laugh at it.

Speaking of laughing at it, here are some choice screen caps from the trailer (click on them for hi-res versions):

CEREBRO! Nice face, Xavier. And where the fuck is he? It looks like a mad scientist's laboratory or something. Also, FYI, most machinery does NOT glow orange. Just sayin'.

Hey, Ross! Look!!! That's gotta be Angel Salvadore in that picture, right? WAITAMINUTE... why is she topless? And is that Xavier and Magneto poppin' a bottle in the background? ARE THEY AT A STRIP CLUB?

What's that, Mystique? You want me to come to bed? Oh, baby, you know how I like 'em -- blue and spikey.

Yes, Beast. I said blue and spiky. I guess it's your lucky day.

A year and a half ago, I did a list called The Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years. Here now is my return to that theme... my updated list of the Top 9 most underrated comedies of the past few years!

9. Finishing the Game. I love 70s movies. I love Bruce Lee. And thus I loved liked this movie. It didn't blow my mind or make me piss myself, but it was an entertaining mockumentary that rewarded me for being a Bruce Lee fan. Plus, it was a good Hollywood satire. [Buy it now: Finishing the Game on Amazon]

8. The Slammin' Salmon. Wait... this went direct-to-video but Club Dread was in theaters? THAT'S A CRIME! Similar to Finishing the Game, this wasn't super laugh out loud funny, but it had a lot of chuckles and it certainly kept my attention. It's like Waiting... but better. [Buy it now: The Slammin' Salmon on Amazon]

7. The Brothers Solomon. Truly stupid. It's hard to watch this and not cringe at the ignorance of the characters, the concept, and the humor. But there're some surprisingly hilarious and unexpected jokes that come out of left field and slap the funny in your face. [Buy it now: The Brothers Solomon on Amazon]

6. Midgets vs. Mascots. DISCLAIMER: Not for everyone! It's racist, sexist, homophobic... and so on. It's a parody, so it's not all those things in a serious way. But it'll offend you. Me, on the other hand, I think the shart scene is the greatest achievement in modern cinema. [Buy it now: Midgets vs. Mascots on Amazon]

5. I Love You Phillip Morris. Part of me wants to swap this movie out for Dance Flick and leave it off the list... BUT I left it on here because it's criminally underrated. I haven't heard any talk or buzz about it! It's funny and emotional, and it sticks with you. [Buy it now: I Love You Phillip Morris on Amazon]

4. Death at a Funeral. (The American remake, that is.) I heard bad reviews. I assumed it was Martin and Chris Rock's The Expendables. I was wrong. It's a fantastic screwball comedy along the lines of Dinner for Schmucks (another underrated comedy, natch). [Buy it now: Death at a Funeral on Amazon]

3. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard. Wow. I should have expected no less from Neal Brennan. I mean, this was shockingly funny. Stupid, yes. But incredibly funny. One of those "choke on my own laughter" kinds of funny. DISCLAIMER: It's very ignorant!!! [Buy it now: The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard on Amazon]

2. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (Extended Cut). The extended cut is looong, but it's fantastically funny. I mean, it's better to the point where I wouldn't recommend watching the non-extended cut. Bonus: this movie has lots of quotable moments. And penis. [Buy it now: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story on Amazon]

1. Gentlemen Broncos. This choice is odd for me considering how often I favor in-your-face joke delivery. But I love this film up and down. It's probably the most underrated AND funniest thing on this list. It's insane, quotable, and warrants multiple viewings. [Buy it now: Gentlemen Broncos on Amazon]

More:
- See this same list of underrated comedies on our AudioShocker Amazon aStore
- The Top 9 Most Overrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

It's EXTREME!!!*

But that's a different marathon challenge. This blog post is about the James Hong Marathong, a slightly less endurance-based (but potentially more enjoyable!) movie extravaganza.

Over the next ten episodes of A Podcast with Ross and Nick, we'll be reviewing two James Hong movies per show (along with our weekly X-Men animated episode).

And you can join in on the fun by playing along at home by using the following Marathong master list:

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #84
January 12, 2011

• Blade Runner [theatrical cut] (Netflix, Amazon)
• Missing in Action (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #85
January 19, 2011

• Big Trouble in Little China (Netflix, Amazon)
• Revenge of the Nerds 2 (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #86
January 26, 2011

• Tango and Cash (Netflix, Amazon)
• Caged Fury (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #87
February 2, 2011

• Shadowzone (Netflix, Amazon)
• Talons of the Eagle (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #88
February 9, 2011

• Wayne's World 2 (Netflix, Amazon)
• South Beach Academy (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #89
February 16, 2011

• Breakout (Netflix, Amazon)
• G2: Mortal Conquest (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #90
February 23, 2011

• The Art of War (Netflix, Amazon)
• Sucker Free City (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #91
March 2, 2011

• American Fusion (Netflix, Amazon)
• Exit 38 (Netflix, Amazon)

A Podcast with Ross and Nick #92
March 9, 2011

• Balls of Fury (Netflix, Amazon)
• Shanghai Kiss (Netflix, Amazon)
• Kung Fu Panda (Netflix, Amazon)
• How to Make Love to a Woman (Netflix, Amazon)

* Epic X-Men TV Review Endurance Marathon Extravaganza

As long time readers of Culturology (that is, Nick (and maybe Neal)) may recall, one of my favorite things about popular culture in Germany is the way they re-title movies, presumably, in order to fit in with German idiom. The classic example of this is 2008's In Bruges, which was titled See Bruges... and Die? in German. Where the English title was subtle and understated, the German title just went ahead and put it all out there. Another great example from that era (you know, back in like, 2006-2008, when movies didn't all suck?) was 3:10 to Yuma, which became, in German, Death-Train to Yuma.

So, on this trip, my most recent return to Germany, I am already defaulting to looking around to see what kind of titles foreign movies have in Germany. But it's been such a shitty year for movies that even the German titles are a let down. One exception might be Get Him to the Greek, though, as it's German title is just Man Trip. And further evidence that Germans want to be able to tell what a movie is about based on its title alone is Avatar's German sub-title, which I like to translate as Avatar: Sallying Forth to Pandora.

So why don't Americans want to know what movies are about? This of course ties in with the internet-era monstrosity that the notion of "spoiler alerts" has become. That somehow, if we know what a movie is about in any specific way, or know what is going to happen in it, then we can't possibly enjoy it. This is juvenile and foolish. So, then, even though we're the juvenile and foolish ones for feeling like the essence of a movie is (the sanctity of) its plot, it's the German titles that come off as stupid, and the Germans as the foolish ones for needing to know in simple fashion why they should bother going out to see a movie.

Though, the American movie industry still seems to make boat-loads of money despite not producing much shit that's actually worth watching, and then sometimes terrible movies (say, The Aang Legend) actually do way better abroad than they do in the States. So we're each and everyone of us--any of us with the social and financial wherewithal to go see movies at all--special little snowflakes of stupidity.

I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was...

I'll tell you a story. I once fell deeply, profoundly in love with tropical fish. I had sixty goddamn fish tanks in my house. I'd skin-dive to find just the right ones. Anisotremus virginicus, Holacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon capistratus. You name it. Then one day I say, fuck fish. I renounce fish. I vow to never set foot in the ocean again, that's how much fuck fish. That was seventeen years ago and I have never since stuck so much as a toe into that ocean. And I love the ocean!

I'm trying something new out here. Thought this might be fun! Any suggestions for future movies / quotes?

What Channel is This?

Video content distribution is converging to an all-internet accessed world. Signs point to platform agnostic websites distributing video content through personal computers (i.e. Hulu), mobile devices, and most importantly, internet connected TVs. IPTVs are already on the market, and within five years, early adopters and roughly half of the early majority will have started the exodus away from traditional TV watching behavior.

IPTV’s ability to disintermediate parties between the producer and consumer, along with the FCC’s forward-looking agenda of universal access, will hasten its acceptance as well (Ed Note: my partner Trey is a lot more optimistic about Net Neutrality than I am). It is important to recognize that the opportunity to access all video content from a website, on your television, on demand, makes traditional simulcast/broadcast TV completely obsolete. Broadcast and traditional cable TV will not disappear in the near future; however, their cachet will drop substantially.

As we move toward this world, the importance of distributor (TV channel and networks) and producer brands decreases. Today, most consumers do not associate video content with its producer. They do however associate video content with certain TV channels. As this disintermediation occurs, physical channels on a cable box will no longer exist and channel ‘brands’ will slowly die as antiquated groupings of content. Over the past decade, digital video recorders, EPGs, and syndication have already begun to loosen the association between channel and content. There are several key ways that networks create value. In this new world, all of these benefits, with the exception of advertising, will be provided by a subscription video content aggregator. Ad-based distribution will likely be taken over by a market leader such as Hulu, contributing to the complete demise network loyalty and identity.

Creating Value Through Curation

As the online library of content continues to grow (professional & amateur), we can no longer see/read/hear everything. We simply don't have the time or resources to sort through everything ourselves to find what we want, or what we may like. As a result, the ability to curate content is paramount -- and users will be willing to pay for such this service.

Netflix’s curation features need improvement. Its effectiveness in generating accurate recommendations pales in comparison to systems at sites such as Pandora, Last FM, and iTunes (Genius). Being a gateway to online content presents few barriers to entry, however, it is possible to dominate and even create a winner-take-all scenario in this business, like  Google has accomplished with its search engine. What allows Google to command a 65% market share is a marginally better search algorithm. The same is true for Pandora. Even though Last.fm offers a multitude of innovative features, Pandora’s ability to classify sound and automate its curation via an algorithm is responsible for its market leading position.

If Netflix can improve this feature, it will command significant leverage, and can establish itself as the premier destination for online video content. With a sizable lead in this technology, a producer who does not distribute through Netflix risks losing potential viewers. Additionally, Netflix’s curation tool can effectively market the content better than a network or studio can with their small marketing spend, making it more profitable for producers to forgo selling their work to a network or studio, instead retaining the rights and get paid by Netflix per view. (Ed. Note, we are assuming that Netflix continues to expand and invest in the Watch Instantly streaming service / library)

To speed up the process of improving the curation function as quickly as possible, we recommend either creating partnerships with Pandora and/or Google. Partnering with Pandora would give Netflix access to pieces of their curation algorithm and the engineers who have been building this best-of-industry platform. In addition, we recommend Neflix copy the Last.fm “scrobbler” function. The scrobbler methodology archives every piece of musical content one has played on their computer or mobile device and sends this info to Last.fm’s servers. Employing a similar methodology, Netflix could more accurately curate video content by not only recognizing what someone enjoys by telling the program as it does now (active selection), but also recognizing tastes by simply consuming content (passive selection).

--

Perhaps we knew this was coming all along, but instead of Netflix we should have find/replaced with Google. Or, perhaps we aren't nearly as prescient as we thought and everyone already knew all of this. Either way, we believe that producer/consumer disintermediation and an increasing demand for curation are important considerations when determining a digital strategy.

Google TV is certainly not the first attempt at 'IPTV', but it is likely to be the most well regarded. The last thing I need is another set-top box, but I excited about IPTV and what is coming next.

Background: It was over six months ago when I made a personal pact with myself -- I vowed to watch all of Jean-Claude Van Damme's starring roles in chronological order and review them each one-by-one on our site's Twitter account. It was a massive undertaking (as you can see below), and I had a great time doing it. Thx to the man himself, JCVD, and to all those who've helped create his films over the years.

• Bloodsport (1988) - 10/10
  Not only a great role for Van Damme, but also an amazing martial arts film. Classic. [original tweet 10/31/2009]
• Cyborg (1989) - 1/10
  Interesting idea but completely unwatchable. Even Jean-Claude is a dud here. Maybe his worst performance. [original tweet 11/09/2009]
• Kickboxer (1989) - 9/10
  ALMOST as good as Bloodsport, which means this is really good. Van Damme's performance might be his best. [original tweet 11/14/2009]
• Lionheart (1990) - 8/10
  An excellent film, though the story drags here and there. Some of Jean-Claude's best fights caught on film. [original tweet 11/25/2009]
• Death Warrant (1990) - 4/10
  It's watchable, just not enjoyable. Jean-Claude turns in a decent performance, but the editing is awful. [original tweet 11/30/2009]
• Double Impact (1991) - 5/10
  Tons of fun, but kind of lame at the same time. Van Damme must have been taxed by the dual role. [original tweet 12/06/2009]
• Universal Soldier (1992) - 5/10
  Not good, not bad. This film sort of sits squarely in the middle of Van Damme's filmography. [original tweet 12/13/2009]
• Nowhere to Run (1993) - 8/10
  Unexpectedly good. More folksy than Van Damme's other flicks and propped up by strong storytelling. [original tweet 12/20/2009]
• Hard Target (1993) - 4/10
  Jean-Claude is good but the whole thing is so hokey. It's John Woo to the max... no, actually, maxed out. [original tweet 12/26/2009]
• Timecop (1994) - 7/10
  Makes no sense by the end, but I'm a sucker for kickass sci-fi and time travel. Plus, Van Damme is solid here. [original tweet 01/02/2010]
• Street Fighter (1994) - 5/10
  Overall, this is a lot better than its reputation. A good film but kind of weak acting by Van Damme. [original tweet 01/09/2010]
• Sudden Death (1995) - 6/10
  "Die Hard in a hockey arena" is too long and overdone, but still very good. Great Van Damme acting. [original tweet 01/16/2010]
• Maximum Risk (1996) - 8/10
  Definitely Van Damme's most traditional "thriller" to date. He does a great job and the film is solid. [original tweet 01/23/2010]
• The Quest (1996) - 6/10
  It has issues, but Van Damme's directorial debut works well in a strange way, especially during the fights. [original tweet 01/30/2010]
• Double Team (1997) - 1/10
  I love the fact that this movie even exists... But, unfortunately, it's pretty much unwatchable. [original tweet 02/02/2010]
• Knock Off (1998) - 2/10
  It pains me to say that this Jean-Claude Van Damme / Rob Schneider team-up totally sucks. Funny idea though. [original tweet 02/05/2010]
• Legionnaire (1998) - 3/10
  Put simply: This historical epic showcases good acting by Van Damme. But it still blows. [original tweet 02/03/2010]
• Desert Heat (1999) - 6/10
  I was unimpressed at first, but fond memories of Van Damme's interesting role in this film stuck with me. [original tweet 02/11/2010]
• Universal Solider: The Return (1999)
  2/10 - It's so bad!!! Arrgghhh! I can't take it! Make the pain stop, Van Damme, make it stop! [original tweet 02/09/2010]
• Replicant (2001) - 5/10
  Jean-Claude returns to his habit of dual roles in ridiculous form. Watch this only for unintentional laughs. [original tweet 02/15/2010]
• The Order (2001) - 3/10
  Not bad, per se... But not good either. The Charlton Heston appearance is the only memorable moment. [original tweet 02/17/2010]
• Derailed (2002) - 5/10
  Despite providing fodder for Van Damme critics, this b-movie is more fun than many of his fancier flicks. [original tweet 02/19/2010]
• In Hell (2003) - 8/10
  Morbid and engaging, Jean-Claude is at his most intense since Bloodsport... only far more emotionally complex. [original tweet 02/21/2010]
• Wake of Death (2004) - 4/10
  Van Damme's acting is especially strong and emotional, but the plot lacks. That drags this one down. [original tweet 02/22/2010]
• Second in Command (2006) - 6/10
  A surprisingly enjoyable and well-crafted movie. Van Damme's decent but the story shines brighter. [original tweet 02/24/2010]
• The Hard Corps (2006) - 5/10
  Goofy and drawn out, yet still tons of fun. The plot is convoluted but the characters are charismatic. [original tweet 11/20/2010]
• Until Death (2007) - 7/10
  This odd, sick plot turns highly entertaining when combined with Van Damme's performance. A great role for JCVD. [original tweet 02/26/2010]
• The Shepard (2008) - 7/10
  An average film boosted by excellent fight choreography and the quirkiness of Van Damme's character. [original tweet 02/27/2010]
• JCVD (2008) - 9/10
  Smart film. Van Damme becomes vulnerable to the audience in a very conceptual way. Great plot and performance. [original tweet 02/28/2010]
• Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2010)
  6/10 - Unique pacing and structure. The plot is a bit too simple but the action is excellent. [original tweet 02/14/2010]
• Assassination Games (2011)
  6/10 - Great stuff (Van Damme's performance, fight scenes) mixed w/ average stuff (plot, overdone ending). [original tweet 10/30/2011]

The Quest (1996) - 6/10 - Though his character is weird, Van Damme's directorial debut is a HUGE success especially during the fights.

• more JCVD • read Tweeviews • old TXT Msg Reviews • follow us on Twitter

Maximum Risk (1996) - 8/10 - Definitely Van Damme's most traditional "thriller" to date. He does a great job and the film is solid.

More JCVD! Read Tweeviews! Old TXT Msg Reviews! Follow us on Twitter!

Sudden Death (1995) - 6/10 - "Die Hard in a hockey arena" is too long and overdone, but still very good. Great Van Damme acting.

More JCVD! Read Tweeviews! Old TXT Msg Reviews! Follow us on Twitter!

Street Fighter (1994) - 5/10 - Overall, this is a lot better than its reputation. A good film but kind of weak acting by Van Damme.

Read the new Jean-Claude Van Damme Movie Tweeviews!!!

Read the old (soooo 2009) Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Timecop (1994) - 7/10 - Makes no sense by the end, but I'm a sucker for kickass sci-fi and time travel. Plus, Van Damme is solid here.

Read the new Jean-Claude Van Damme Movie Tweeviews!!!

Read the old (soooo 2009) Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Hard Target (1993) - 4/10 - Jean-Claude is good but the whole thing is so hokey. It's John Woo to the max... no, actually, maxed out.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Nowhere to Run (1993) - 8/10 - Unexpectedly good. More folksy than Van Damme's other flicks and propped up by strong storytelling.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

The new Iron Man 2 trailer just went all sorts of live. Perhaps you should get off your ass (or on it?) and watch it now. I'm just saying, it would be the prudent thing to do. Here is the link to the 189MB full HD quicktime download, and HERE for the smaller 480p one.

Universal Soldier (1992) - 5/10 - Not good, not bad. This film sort of sits squarely in the middle of Van Damme's filmography.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Double Impact (1991) - 5/10 - Tons of fun, but kind of lame at the same time. Van Damme must have been taxed by the dual role.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

DOWNLOAD WALLPAPER :: 1280 X 1024 :: 1440 X 900 :: 1600 X 1200

Here's an extra special non-schedule wallpaper to get War Machine Month started off right. Check ya next Sunday for our regularly scheduled Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

P.S. BTW, here's the hi-res (1500 px X 2221 px) Iron Man 2 movie poster jpeg.

Death Warrant (1990) - 4/10 - It's watchable, just not enjoyable. Jean-Claude turns in a decent performance, but the editing is awful.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Lionheart (1990) - 8/10 - An excellent film, though the story drags here and there. Some of Jean-Claude's best fights caught on film.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

via The Playlist.

Kickboxer (1989) - 9/10 - ALMOST as good as Bloodsport, which means this is really good. Van Damme's performance might be his best.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Cyborg (1989) - 1/10 - Interesting idea but completely unwatchable. Even Jean-Claude is a dud here. Maybe his worst performance.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

Bloodsport (1988) - 10/10 - Not only a great role for Van Damme, but also an amazing martial arts film. Classic.

Read more Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews!!!

BdS 2 - worst accents ever. All the money went to gun battles. A few good one-liners. Excessive male nudity and Rocco/feline cameos. 5/10, true fans will enjoy.

Read more TXT Message Reviews!!!

The movie opens Friday, so don't be the doucebag who doesn't want to talk about it on Monday at the office.

For how long, you ask? I'll be posting every Saturday for the forseeable future. I'm over halfway through JCVD's film catalog, which I'm watching in (somewhat) chronological order, so this should be going on for at least a few months.

For every new Van Damme TXT Message Review I post here on the blog, I'll also tweet the full review in our AudioShocker Twitter feed. Why? Many of these JCVD TXT Message Reviews are rewrites of reviews I originally tweeted in my own personal feed, so they're already in that format. Twatters should be on the lookout for #JCVD because each review I tweet will be tagged with that.

Don't miss the Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews fun -- it all starts on Halloween a.k.a. next Saturday, October 31, 2009!!!

P.S. Also, this Monday, check out a special Culturology wherein Pete and I discuss the importance of Bloodsport and Kickboxer, contrasting and comparing the films and their themes.

Looking for more underrated comedies? See our new Son of the Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies!!!

9. The Ten. I woulda put this at #10 on the list just because, but this is The Top 9 and thusly includes no #10. Whatever. This movie is not amazing, but decently funny, if only for the Jesus in Mexico vignette. [Buy it now: The Ten on Amazon]

8. Accepted. I never hear anyone talk about this flick, despite it's now famous cast. It's pretty damn funny. Again, not amazing, but still really good. [Buy it now: Accepted on Amazon]

7. Idiocracy. On the whole, a lot of movies on this list can outdo the comedy of Idiocracy. But for a might-as-well-have-been direct-to-DVD sleeper, this movie is totally awesome. The film is very quotable. I even own a "Camacho for President" t-shirt. [Buy it now: Idiocracy on Amazon]

6. Big Stan. I have a soft spot for Rob Schneider. This isn't his best, but it's very strong (not to mention Rob's directorial debut, I think). Conceptually, it's excellent and the execution - while not being laugh-out-loud all the time - is pretty damn funny. [Buy it now: Big Stan on Amazon]

5. The Big Bounce. How many people out there saw this one? Yeah, that's what I thought. Only the people that I showed it to. Well, it's great, okay? Like Big Stan, it's more quirky funny than piss yourself funny. It's got excellent actors in it and a strong plot twist. [Buy it now: The Big Bounce on Amazon]

4. Surviving Christmas. Why so high on this list? Why even on this list? Because Ben Affleck is constantly getting shit on, which caused this gem to be largely overlooked. I think this could make an argument for "most underrated," though not the BEST of the underrated flicks here. [Buy it now: Surviving Christmas on Amazon]

3. Yes Man. This may be the least underrated on the list. It sits this high because, while being generally enjoyed, it's not a huge hit. This movie is funny enough to be a major smash, yet most people I know stayed away from it. This probably has the widest appeal of all the films on this list. [Buy it now: Yes Man on Amazon]

2. Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach. Or Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story. Whatever you want to call it, this is fucking great. I nearly peed myself at points watching this one. However, it probably has the most narrow appeal of all the films. You have to appreciate gross out comedy, situational ignorance, and cheap shocker jokes (no, not that shocker... "shocker" as in "shocking"). [Buy it now: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach on Amazon]

1. Balls of Fury. This movie tends to polarize people. And by polarize, I mean that I love it and just about everyone else thinks it's not funny. EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG. This is the real deal, a near Holy Grail of slapstick / gross out / poor taste comedy. You've got Walken, Lopez, Terry Crews, that main guy who's really funny, Maggie Q in her best role, and the French Stewart lookalike guy who voices Batman now. It's made by the guys from The State who also make Reno 911 [and The Ten]. It's got some serious comedy pedigree. And you should watch it. And love it. [Buy it now: Balls of Fury on Amazon]

See also:

- Check it! Underrated comedy movies on our AudioShocker Amazon aStore
- The Top 9 Most Overrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years
- The Top 9 Best Bad Comedy Movies (So Bad They’re Good!)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

First off, this movie is long, it clocks in around 170 minutes. Wish someone had told me that beforehand. But hey, some stories just don't fit the 120 minute Hollywood paradigm.

In short, I liked it - but it didn't move me. It's not like I had a phantom undescended testicle drop into place during the viewing or something. I didn't feel a strong desire to shout out U-S-A and enlist. If anything, you wonder how Patton succeeded at being such a huge dick for so long before getting reprimanded by Ike.

The second half was eh... I feel like all the cool stuff happened at the beginning - like in Apocalypse Now.

I was also little surprised how much the film clowns Montgomery and the British 8th. I mean, they just made that guy a total joke.

What I liked most was all the in camera work. Obviously in 1970, advanced SFX were yet to come, but nothing looks more real than a real explosion.  They had tanks, and howitzers, and blew up buildings! The cinematography was on point too - you usually don't get a lot of great camera angles with tanks.

It makes no sense that we rely on CG for everything now. I was reading in the WSJ today that it took nearly 9 months to render a CG shot of Dumbledore twirling around some fire in the new HP flick. How is that cheaper or more effective than rigging up some pyrotechnics? I motion for more in camera effects. I want to see dudes in rubber monster suits with Tom Savini makeup - not some pixel shaded microchip mashup. CG is the Autotune of movies, and we all know that Jay Z declared D.O.A. a few weeks back.

Bottomline: Glad I saw it - but not the greatest movie of all time.

Am I the only one who thought George C. Scott was related to Woody Harrelson and Ed O'Neill? I see them in his look and performance. It's a bit creepy. Perhaps Woody will star in a George C. Scott biopic.

My mom just got back from Tunisia and had been telling me about all the history and battles that took place there. The thing is, I had no interest in any of it until Patton strolls through a centuries old battlefield and starts talking about the Carthaginians, Romans, and reincarnation. Clearly all history should be presented as wistful nostalgia by a poetic army general.

Oh, and do I have terrible timing or what? Both Karl Michael Vogler (Field Marshal Erwin Rommel) and Karl Malden (Gen. Omar N. Bradley) just passed (June 9 and July 1 2009).

Or not. I only got about 10 minutes into The Brown Bunny before someone asked me to do something and I got sidetracked, but as I recall, Chloe Sevigny gives him a hummer onscreen. And the general media was mortified. I don't know what went wrong, perhaps it was one hit wonderdom, or maybe homeboy should stick to being a rocker. I'm not sure, but I know homeboy has another good movie in him.

Buffalo 66 took a while to get started but it built to a great ending. Today's loser/slacker comedies are heavy on slapstick and breakneck pacing: Airplane! to the extreme. Perhaps another Gallo film would help us remember how great it is to have a beat in between laughs. The world isn't some witty Xkcd panel or an episode of The Office. Not everything has to be mile a minute laughs.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

Neal thinks it stinks

Was not a fan. Alt ending was lame. The whole thing was just refs to other characters and setups for other movies. Remy was shitty too. And Will.I.Am??

Nick attended a later screening in Pittsburgh and had this to say:

Nick says it's a go

I enjoyed the Wolverine movie. It had its problems but overall it was pretty fun. They really fucked up Deadpool, but it still managed to make sense. 7 outta 10

Personally, I think Mr. Marino is being way too generous (I do agree re Deadpool), but he is entitled to his opinion (as are you). Look for our heated debate on Tuesday, in Podcast Episode 79!

Even though your brain is steeped in six claws and mutton chops right now, try and remember back to the Watchmen movie. It's hard, right? Believe it or not, that movie only came out two months ago (though it feels more like two years).

Around the time of the film's debut, DC Comics attempted an "After Watchmen... What's Next?" program to steer potential readers to like-minded material. I've decided that's just what Wolvie needs to coincide with his silver screen solo outing. Thusly, I present to you:

AFTER WOLVERINE... WHAT'S NEXT?

Books That Reinforce Stereotypes About the Modern Superhero

When everyone thinks about superheroes nowadays, they think about The Dark Knight, Spider-Man's evil black suit, and Superman being a deadbeat dad. (And, oh yeah, what was it called? HMMM... oh right! That Watchmen thing.)

It's true: superheroes are emo right now. "Dark" is hot. "Dead" is even hotter.

So if you like your heroes dark or dead, then you'll love these current comics:

• Batman: Battle for the Cowl. Batman's dead (sorta) and a bunch of supporting characters are fighting for the right to wear his tight blue undies.
• Captain America. Cap got killed and the shit kept rolling. He's been replaced by his once-dead teen sidekick that used to be a KGB assassin. Meanwhile, an evil scientist made Cap's girlfriend miscarry his baby.
• Dark Avengers. Marvel's premier Dark Reign title wherein the Avengers have been replaced by replica supervillains... but Johnny Q. Public doesn't know it!
• X-Force. Cyclops decides to create a black ops team of mutants who wear all black as they travel around the world and act like terrorists (or is it anti-terrorists?).

More Books With Wolverine

This one sounds deceptively easy, doesn't it? Well it's a bit trickier than it may seem. See, the Wolverine you know from the movie isn't the Wolverine who's starring in the monthly Wolverine comic book right now.

To find the Wolverine you enjoyed from the movie, you've got to look for him in:

• Wolverine: Weapon X. A brand new comic book made to (sort of) coincide with the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It's so new that I don't even know what to expect... except for six claws and mutton chops.
• New Avengers. From what I hear, Logan is still hanging around with Luke Cage and whining a lot. But I could be wrong about this.

Books That Push The Boundaries of Anti-Hero Fiction

He's a killer. He's a hero. No... he's a killer AND a hero.

If you enjoy the walking contradiction that is Wolverine, then you may also enjoy the exploits of these other famous anti-heroes:

• Lobo. I have no idea if Lobo has any comics coming out right now. He's like a cosmic Wolverine with a bad complexion and a twisted sense of humor.
• The Punisher. Already a movie star in his own right, Frank Castle straddles the line between hero and villain even more than Logan. He's got two ongoing comics on the racks right now.

Best-Selling Books From Best-Selling Authors

Riiiiiiiiiiight. We're just going to skip this one.

Books For Immature Readers

Surely, the idea of a man who backs up his irrational anger with knives that come out of his hands isn't the most mature-minded notion out there. While the "dark" trend sweeping comics right now tends to be overly emotional, some books out there still know how to have fun and not worry about it.

Here are a few current comics that delight in the more visceral elements of sequential storytelling:

• Street Fighter comics by UDON Entertainment. Street Fighter II Turbo and Street Fighter IV spend most of their time on kickass tournament fight scenes with huge SFX and bright colors that slap you in the face. Shiny pages! Big fights! AWESOME!
• Skrull Kill Krew. Evil aliens never stop trying to take over the Earth, so Riot and the Skrull Kill Krew never stop trying to kill them. Get it?

As a fitting end to this post, I should note that this upcoming Saturday is Free Comic Book Day. If you don't buy comics on the regular, why not at least stop down to your local shop and get some for free? (There's even one about Wolverine!)

Since i saw it on a Thursday, that means it went to the dollar theater last Friday... only TWO WEEKS after its debut. WOW. That's special.

And here's the icing on the cake: guess what's officially out of the dollar theater as of today? That's right, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.

It had a one week tenure at the discount movie theater before it was booted for not bringing in enough customers willing to pay $1 to see it. Only $1!!! Is this some sort of United States record, like "World's Shortest National Release"?

Hopefully this movie will clean up at the 2009 RAZZIE awards. How hilarious was Chris Klein? he had me cracking up the whole time. Brilliant performance.

And what asshole decided that Kristen Kreuk should be cast as Chun-Li over Moon Bloodgood? The only thing i can think is that Bloodgood had no experience in martial arts (is that true?) and no desire to learn. She certainly looked the part and had a boss attitude.

The problems with this film emanate from the story. Justin Marks and his producers weren't loyal to the preexisting tale of Chun-Li and Street Fighter. I'm not saying it should have been an exact translation - it just should have been close. Would it have been cheesy? A bit. But this was some sort of alternate universe where Chun-Li longed to be a concert pianist. WTF?

Craving some decent Chun-Li storytelling? Check out UDON's Street Fighter Legends: Chun-Li comic series out now. Now that's a sweet Chun-Li story! (FYI - SF Legends: Chun-Li #2 just came out this Wednesday!!!)

More: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li - TXT Message Review

And more: Video of a Girl Fight in the Ladies Room Makes the Chun-Li Movie Look Weird

"Every week now through August, Tonic will launch [auction] between 1 and 5 autographed iPods loaded with the celebrity's personal playlist."

The latest celeb to have their "personal playlist" on a Tonic iPod? Malin Akerman.

"Watchmen fans now have the opportunity to own a unique piece of comic memorabilia: an autographed iPod signed by Malin and loaded with her personal playlist."

A good thing or a music lover's nightmare? You be the judge. Here's her playlist:

Malin Akerman's Personal Playlist:

1. U2- In a little while
2. Air Traffic- Charlotte
3. Foo Fighters- Best of You
4. Nine Inch Nails- The Hand That Feeds You
5. KT Tunstall- Suddenly I See
6. Orson- No Tomorrow
7. Alien Ant Farm- Glow
8. Rilo Kiley- Breakin' Up
9. Supergrass- Moving
10. Nada Surf- Blizzard of '77
11. Peter Bjorn and John- Young Folks
12. Feist- Mushaboom
13. Imogen Heap- Speeding Cars
14. Bob Marley- Redemption Song
15. Beck- Lost Cause
16. The Petalstones- Free

The best part is that all the proceeds from Tonic's iPod auctions go to charity. The worst part is that you might get stuck listening to some songs you really hate.

P.S. By the way, I know that Akerman did a Maxim photo shoot recently. My opinion? Not that hot. However, Farrelly brothers fans already know where to get the goods - The Heartbreak Kid. The movie features Malin Akerman naked in multiple different sex scenes. Plus, it's funny as hell. Jerry Stiller tears it up. So now you know.

More: The Watchmen - TXT Message Review.

Vivid. Rorschach does not disappoint. Manhattan's CG was terrible - and Ozzy pins it all on him? Opening credits were long, but good use of the Hollis material.

Doc Manhattan ponders it all

Lesser things worth mentioning: The mix, or at least the hits are very crisp;  you can hear bones snapping and the sickening thuds in astounding aural clarity. Costumes were done well too. I can't help but think that Mad Men is responsible for the reemergence of skinny ties. And to those excited by CG male genitalia - there is plenty of blue Manhattan penis!

I'm not saying that I expected an Oscar winner. Obviously, that was going to be lame flick - but this was overly lame. The best part is when Bison starts using one of his henchpeople as a puching bag - literally. A little iMDB work exposes the real issue: The director, Andrzej Bartkowiak. Everything he touches turns into garbage. His resume includes such stinkers as DOOM, Cradle 2 The Grave, and Exit Wounds. Perhaps if DMX and Anthony Anderson had played Balrog and Vega, things would have been different. Sadly, this one was DOOMed from the start. Lastly, whoever did the costumes for this movie should be shot. - just my personal opinion.

More: What Went Wrong with Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li?

And more: Video of a Girl Fight in the Ladies Room Makes the Chun-Li Movie Look Weird

OMG. OMG OMG OMG. Everyone! you have to read this article about The Last Airbender extras casting director, DeeDee Ricketts (who is probably casting the whole damn Avatar movie, from the looks of it).

Here's a choice excerpt:

"We want you to dress in traditional cultural ethnic attire," she said. "If you're Korean, wear a kimono. If you're from Belgium, wear lederhosen."

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. Korean kimonos? Belgian lederhosen?

For added perspective, please check out this excellent op-ed piece. It features the POV of someone who actually attended the Philadelphia casting call.

And let me end this blog post right by linking to the website of DeeDee Ricketts.

Once again, a choice excerpt:

Check out the AFFRICAN IMIGRANTS we found for TEARS OF THE SUN, the Afghan Village with real AFGHANS we discovered for CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR or the LA GANG MEMBERS who made TRAINING DAY sizzle. Finding real people, who add the nuances that make any scene more believable, is what we strive for.

HOLY SHIT. Please note that both "African" and "immigrants" are spelled wrong in that paragraph. No wonder the casting is totally fucked in The Last Airbender.

P.S. If you haven't been there already, please visit Saving the World with Postage. It's a LiveJournal blog devoted to protesting the insane Avatar casting decisions.

P.P.S. Check out the new and improved Charlie Wilson's War... now featuring "real AFGHANS" who were discovered exclusively for the filming of this movie! Way to go, DD Casting!!!

Did anyone else think the show was as janky and half assed as I did? All of the presenter pairs were unprepared and acted like it was their first time reading off a teleprompter. The curtains didn't work right and Hugh Jackman is a clown. (Hi Five John C. McGinley) On Monday, when I talked to people about it they all told me how amazing Jackman was. "I never knew he was so talented / He can act, sing, dance, everything!" I suppose for those familiar only with Jackman's action movies, Wolverine does not seem so multifaceted. But anything with a passing interest in Hugh should be aware of his stage acting, his voice work in Happy Feet and Flushed Away, and the notion that ALL actors sing and dance. It's pretty much a requirement to be in the business. In any case, Jackman's enthusiasm should be credited, not his performance. Honestly, why isn't Wayne Brady hosting the Oscars? Buy American people!

I'm don't care so much about who got the awards- but I do feel like they presented an ungodly number of awards onscreen just to justify the show. I mean really, how many of us catch animated or live action shorts? Do most of us care about the award for best sound mixing and foley? And, are musicals really back? Mamma Mia! and Hairspray come out and all of a sudden musicals are back? Sorry, no. When guys like me are going to see movies like that - then perhaps musicals will be back. Until then, I call shenanigans. That musical medley was a mess too. Too much back and forth, it sounded like someone went apeshit with the radio dial.

Things I did like: the 'five presenters in the round' concept. That was kind of neat and emphasized the whole 'honor to be nominated' thing. I also liked the structure of the show illustrating the production of a movie from inception to post.

That's all I got and I have a plane to catch. Peace.

No, I'm referring to preview clips of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Check out these odd video clips featuring poorly mastered audio and plenty of out-of-context fight scenes.

The more I watch them, the more I feel uneasy about Kristen Kreuk as Chun-Li. But I'll reserve full judgment for opening night, when I plan to be sitting front and center for this new Capcom film.

Until then, I'll watch this bizarre clip of Chun-Li throwing down in the ladies room with a female sparring partner. Note the moment when Chunny shatters the stall door -- how the f*ck is that even possible!?!

Nick: Do you need me to do a fill-in podcast for this weekend? Make a command decision now because I need to plan for it if that's the case!
Neal: No, we ARE podcasting! My dad leaves by 5pm. I will be clicking/ticking like MacGyver.
Nick: okay but why like MacGyver?... I don't get it!
Neal: MacGyver... bombs...
Nick: He makes bombs?
Neal: Stop analyzing! I'll be there.
Nick: Be where? Making a bomb with MacGyver? He lives on a houseboat, you know.
Neal: Isn't that the Highlander?
Nick, Wow he lives on a houseboat too? So does Leon Phelps. All my heroes live on a houseboat. Wait, new band name! "All My Heroes Live on a Houseboat"
Neal: Should do a Top 9 Houseboat Dwellers!
Nick: Well I can only think of four off the top of my head - you got anymore?
Neal: What about TJ from European Gigolo
Nick: Holy SHIT! I forgot about T.J. You know, Neal, I've been holding out on you. Chuck Norris lived on a houseboat in one of his awesome action movies.

Perhaps you can help us add to our list. Who else in film or TV lives on a houseboat?

So what do I do? I'm into stand up, comedies, foreign, Almodovar (homeboy is in a class by himself), not-horror, superhero movies, drama, TV stuff, remakes, and hell - I even watch romcoms. I'm not into super old stuff - but I can appreciate it.

I need to re-up my queue, and QUICK! I am calling on all AudioShockers for help.

Heath Ledger wins one for the Joker

Er, um, I mean Heath Ledger wins. But the Joker won too. As so did DC Comics. Which is awesome. And so did The Dark Knight. Which is not awesome (to me).

So is this any indication of who will win the Oscar?

P.S. Colin Farrell just made a cocaine joke on national TV. Is that shocking or just totally normally nowadays? I dunno... I don't watch TV, really.

Gran Torino is Clint making racist jokes, being surly, and 'manning up' a young kid. Good stuff. The audience and I dug it. You might too, don't be a pussy.

That's all I'm going to give you right now. Tune in to Podcast Episode 63 this Tuesday for the full rundown.

Music (Arists, Singles, Videos, and Albums)

The nominees are:

• Lil Wayne - A Milli / Ms. Officer / any of his collabos.
• Pink - So What / Sober (both from Funhouse)
• Vampire Weekend - Oxford Coma
• The Ting Tings - We Started Nothing
• The Cool Kids - The Bake Sale
• Portishead - Third

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Music Winner is: The Cool Kids

Neal says: It's always hard to decide with music. This is the most subjective category there is. Lil Wayne was stellar, but vocoders prevent us from giving him top honors. Pink returned to relevance with killer singles and Vampire Weekend brought us alternative music (and a video) that didn't suck. New favorite The Ting Tings and Pete's pick Portishead rounded out our noms. I don't think you can go wrong with any of the nominees, but there can be only one winner. The fantastically hip Cool Kids know how to make a good record and their beats have ridiculous knock.

Movies (Films, Flicks, and Moving Pictures)

The nominees are:

• WALL-E
• In Bruges
• Burn After Reading
• Slumdog Millionaire
• The Wrestler

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Movies Winner is: In Bruges

Pete says: In Bruges was the best-written movie of the year and has incredible performances from its three main actors (Ralph Fiennes, Colin Farrell, and Brendan Gleeson). This is the first film from writer-director Martin McDonagh, and in that regard this strikes me as another reason to single out the film, since we can be optimistic about another strong filmic auteur (though the man is, apparently, a well-seasoned playwright) making the scene. Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler were excellent, but neither topples In Bruges as my pick for the all-caps not sucking distinction.

Comics (Ongoings, Minis, One-Shots, and OGNs)

The nominees are:

• Avengers: The Initiative #14-19 (Marvel Comics)
• Kill All Parents! (Image Comics)
• Terra #1-4 (DC Comics)
• War Machine: Weapon of SHIELD #33-35 (Marvel Comics)
• Water Baby (Minx / DC Comics)

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Comics Winner is: War Machine: Weapon of SHIELD #33-35

Nick says: I'm obsessed with War Machine thanks to this story arc. These issues (a.k.a. Iron Man: Director of SHIELD #33-35) follow Jim Rhodes after an electronic recording of Tony Stark prompts him to prepare for an impending crisis (Secret Invasion). Christos Gage, Sean Chen, Sandu Florea, Jay David Ramos, Joe Caramagna, Adi Granov, and Bill Rosemann are all in top form as they deliver the best comics of 2008. (This goes without says that I've been nursing an addiction to Marvel vs. Capcom lately and Rhodey happens to be my fighter of choice.)

Television (Shows, Finales, and Premiers)

The nominees are:

• Chuck
• Avatar
• Metalocalypse
• Mad Men
• The Spectacular Spider-Man

The 2008 YOU DON'T SUCK Television Winner is: Avatar: The Last Airbender

We say: Honestly, was there ever really a doubt? Avatar has been an AudioShocker favorite since before there was an AudioShocker.com! This Nickelodeon original made us sit up and take notice with its tremendous visuals, compelling story, and surprisingly mature themes. We're sad we couldn't give Chuck and Mad Men higher marks, but Buster Bluth and Don Draper would want it this way. Now we're keeping our eyes peeled for new episodes of Big Love, BSG, Entourage, and Spectacular Spidey!

Anyway, the snow (and the exceedingly s l o w drive home today) got me thinking about Greg Rucka's upcoming (Well, Sept 11 2009 isn't exactly close, but whatever) arctic thriller Whiteout. The art was cool - if a little hard to see considering the format - and the story kept along at a decent clip. As I recall, the book was an engrossing read. Fast forward a couple years and BAM! it's movie time. I hold to what I said a year ago in Podcast 007 and I am excited to see good a story reach the silver screen.

But Kate Beckinsdale in the lead? I'm not entirely sure about that casting choice - couldn't they get Lena Headey? Lena has been utterly destroying tough girl roles lately in 300 and The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Interestingly, both are British, but Headey kicks much more ass.

All I have seen are a few production stills, and I haven't been following the news - but I am kind of excited to see this. Superhero comics and movies are great, but when graphic fiction makes it to the screen because of their superior storytelling and concept alone, I think that is just the fucking coolest. Nick said it a few weeks back, comic books are the new spec scripts. So, maybe you should go out and pick up the trade paperback. I'm sure there are a million of them on the racks at B&N, right next to all the Watchmen and Sin City books. And if you like Whiteout, you may like Queen & Country (it's a lot more involved though).

Warzone. HOLY FUCK! You know shit is real when Castle blows up a dude in midair. Tom Jane and Travolta could never have done this. W I L D.

Seriously, shit gets wild in the first ten minutes when Frank Castle decapitates an old man, murders his wife, and all takes out an entire dinner party in 35 seconds. in the dark. It is kind of like a fakely-serious Army of Darkness, and Ray Stevenson is my new pick to be the next Bruce Campbell.

Want to hear more? Well perhaps you should tune in this Tuesday for Podcast #59!

I rarely ever link blog, but for these superhero movie re-cut comics it must be done:

Finished wet moon 4. Loved unknown, the cleo & mara thing, and especially the ending.

For good measure, here's an interview with Ross on Comic Book Resources about Water Baby and Wet Moon 4. And for extra awesome measure, here are the AudioShocker's most recent podcast interviews with Ross, one about Water Baby and the other about Wet Moon 4.

I'm curious to see if Y The Last Man ever really gets made and does anyone really care about Green Lantern? Of course, there are some stinkers on this list and I never did like Akira. Still, cruise on over and see if your favorite comic has sold out for a slice of that big money pie.

Personally, I won't be satisfied until the long awaited Cerebus vs. Judge Death comes out.

QoS sucked. No humor, no gadgets, no fun; I'm unimpressed. The best part was the Minority Report style computer interface. This 'Gritty' 007 is boring.

Oh well, perhaps Daniel Craig will get it right next time.

Recently, the franchise has been making some odd choices when it comes to themes: Sheryl Crow, Madonna, Garbage, etc. Tina Turner's was the best in recent memory (despite the involvement of King Douche Bono). Still, I was a bit surprised to see two very different artists, Alicia Keys and Jack White, put together for this project.

The Track (guest track analysis by Nick): Jack White's searing electric guitar captures the signature sound of the classic James Bond theme while Alicia Keys' piano is a clever homage to Live and Let Die.

But the mastering on this song sucks. The vocals are like a lyrical dominatrix whipping the holy hell out of the backing track. It hurts to hear Jack White's whine and Alicia Key's shrill in unison. And the songwriting is a mess. Instead of being a fresh interpretation of a classic structure, Another Way to Die is erratic and discomforting.

The Video: Does anyone else think that Jack White looks like Johnny Depp's George Jung? The video tries to be all edgy but it just coming off super crappy. It's all blue and black punctuated with spurts of white and yellow ribbon. Perhaps it will look good with the opening credits montage? Also, what is up with A Keys eye makeup? It is eight types of overdone. (Just like this video)

The Bottom Line: Fuck me slowly with a chainsaw. I hope the movie is better than this video.

1. The title. "First Avenger"? The original Avengers are the ones who un-froze Cap from his Arctic cryogenic stasis in the first place! How the hell is he the "first Avenger"?! I know that this title has been out there for some time now, but I thought I'd mention this as it is endlessly perplexing.

2. The time the article was posted. When I went to look at the official date of announcement, I was surprised to find that this story dropped at 10:00 PM on a Sunday. I know it has to be ready for the Monday papers, but that's still a strange time to go and publish it online.

3. Joe Johnson is directing Captain America instead of Ant-Man. You would think that Johnson, with his notable experience as the director of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, would have been tapped for the Ant-Man movie. Nope. They gave him a WWII Captain America period piece instead. This guy obviously knows how to do small stuff on a big scale, yet he's been hired to take over the superhero that requires the least amount of fantasy special effects.

4. The picture accompanying the article. The Hollywood Reporter went out of their way to give a brief history of Steve Rogers, even going so far as to mention the horrid 90s Captain America film. But they ran a picture of the wrong Captain America!!!

Instead of showing Steve Rogers in costume, they have Bucky wearing the new Captain America outfit. WTF?! It could be Marvel's fault or it could be THR's fault. Either way, it's both funny and sad at the same time. You can even see the knife hanging on Bucky's belt in the image (not to mention those goofy stars on his shoulders).

All-in-all, I'm glad that this is going to get made. I would much rather see a Captain America movie set in the 70s with Steve and The Falcon fighting side-by-side, but any good Cap movie is better than no Cap movie.

Most of all, I'm excited at the prospect of this film hitting theaters a month or so before The Avengers movie. That means Cap will end up in the Arctic at the end of this film and then he'll get de-thawed in The Avengers just mere weeks later. That's awesome!!! I can't even think of another example of tight movie continuity like that. I'm about to piss myself just imagining how sweet that will be.

Nuff said for right now. But as I think of anything else worth saying about the movie, I'll edit my thoughts into this post.

EDIT 1: Next Avengers is my favorite of the Marvel direct-to-DVD animated films so far.

EDIT 2: Okay, after thinking on it a bit, the only flaw that I can find with this film is the character design and animation of the Hulk. The way the character is conceptually roped into the story works very well for me. But when the Green Goliath finally appears, he just doesn't look right.

Hulk's movements are too jumpy and not nearly menacing enough. His body language suggests "Tasmanian Devil" more than "strongest one there is." Still, this is hardly an issue. The story still works great and the character fits in even if he doesn't visually fullfil his part to the fullest.

EDIT 3: I really enjoyed the character of Azari in Next Avengers. He's obviously the kid of T'Challa and Storm. For some reason they never say Storm explicitly, which I assume is because Marvel Studios doesn't currently have the rights to reproduce Storm in an animated release. He's also a tad bit underdeveloped compared to his Next Avengers teammates. Still, his straight man persona and wonderful design worked.

Speaking of the design, I found it interesting that Azari had some striking visual similarities to Nezhno a.k.a. Gentle from New X-Men. Nezhno's vibrainum tattoos look very similar to Azari's markings that light up with electricity. Since Craig Kyle and Christopher Yost both worked on this movie, I'm curious to know how much Azari was influenced by Nezhno. Actually, considering how long animated features are in production, it's possible that Nezhno was actually influenced by Azari.

EDIT 4: Here's another favorable review of Next Avengers by Ed Liu over on Toon Zone. It echos some similar sentiments that you see here (no Storm mention = probably a rights issue), but Ed also has some differing opinions as well (especially his take on Pym's character, which I didn't have a problem with at all!).

EDIT 5: The only element of the Next Avengers story that's truly divergent from the Marvel Comics 616 Universe is the creation of Ultron. Yeah, Cap hooking up with Black Widow is a little far fetched, but Ultron being created by Tony Stark instead of Hank Pym is a radical departure.

Seeing as how Tony is the caretaker of the children and a focal figure in the film, having him directly responsible for Ultron makes sense in terms of this story's emotional development. It also allows for other small flourishes such as the moment when Pym determines that Azari can break into Ultron's fortress because the locks are the same as the maintenance hatches at their home.

EDIT 6: As I end my broadcast day here at the AudioShocker, I'd like to give a special mention to the spooky scene where the kids end up in Ultron's "trophy room." As they enter, we see the tattered costumes of the fallen original Avengers. It's not long before the lights click on and reveal a seemingly endless vertical corridor of costumes, alluding to a momentous massacre of Earth's heroes.

The creepy visual was (in my mind, whether conscious by the filmmakers or not) akin to the Return to Oz scene where we catch a glimpse of the towering room full of interchangeable heads worn by Princess Mombi. Damn, I still get chills just thinking about all those eerie heads!

tropic thunder was pretty effin funny. tom cruise puts it down! def better than i was expecting. retard humor may not be for everyone, but i dug it.

If you hate opposed to Ben Stiller, you probably won't love this - but I guarantee you'll laugh your ass off.

anna farris continues to be crazy funny. she's totally in the zone. the other girls are kinda man of the house. didn't realize it was a happy madison movie.

Nick is also a Farris fan. I wonder what he will think... Perhaps you should tune in next Tuesday and find out!

Truthfully, it all leaves me feeling cold. If the movie is just a direct adaptation of the comic, then who gives a shit? I already read Watchmen. It was great. I don't need to read it again, let alone sit as a captive audience member for some ungodly length of time in a movie theater. By the way, three fucking hours??! Snyder, are you out of your gourd? I sat thru 2.5 hours of The Dark Poop and I almost screamed in pain after 1.5 hours. If Watchmen is going to be 180 minutes, then split it in half ala Kill Bill so I can go home for a couple months in the middle.

There's a fine balance between changing too much and changing too little. Elektra? Too much. Sin City? Too little. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer? Perfect. The personalities were fully intact. Tim Story and company nailed the essence of the characters, so it was okay to go places they've never gone before in the comics. Galactus is essentially a cloud, but Surfer, the F4 crew, Alicia, and Doom all had it right so I didn't really mind. Frankie Raye got the short end of the adaptation stick, and Surfer was impassioned by Susan instead of Alicia. But those minor points were easily overshadowed by what worked. X-Men and X2 were the same way. Batman and Batman Returns were too. And viewers know it when they get the real deal. Just this past spring we had the Iron Man movie, a near-perfect concoction that only changed what needed to be changed and left the rest in tact.

On the flip side, if you're going to change TOO MUCH I think you should go balls to the wall. For example, Batman: The Movie from the late 1960s. It's a ludicrous mashup of characters and themes into a whole new slew of Caped Crusader stew. The movie becomes its own creation as opposed to an adaptation. Blade was like this as well, seeing as how the film's foundation in comics was purely conceptual. Nonetheless, it worked.

Zack Snyder has gone around giving fan jobs [Get it??? It's like a hand job but it's a fan job! I just made that up.] in interviews saying that it'll be a success if the Watchmen movie is just one long advertisement for the comic. PUH-LEASE, Snyder! Quit trying to get fans off with your pandering. Make your own creative work and stand by it! Sure, I wanted to see Wolverine as a murderous hairy midget, but Bryan Singer sold me on the suave Hugh Jackman. Yeah, I would have liked Galactus as a purple giant flying on a humongous Bowflex, but I understand how silly that would look. The cloud was fine. There is so much about the Watchmen mini series that is confusing and bizarre, and I don't need to see it all on screen like it came right out of the comics.

I don't want the current upswing of moviegoer good faith in comic book adaptations to die out. Literally putting comics on the screen could kill it. I think superhero movies need to have their own legs and internal logic. There's definite difference between what looks good hand-drawn on a printed page and what works on celluloid.

Too many one-liners, even for a movie about mummies - but otherwise enjoyable. Also, Maria Bello >> Rachel Weisz.

Side note: did you know Michelle Yeoh is 46!? I think I may have found the next Cougar I Want To Stick It To. Rahr!

Last week's end of Book 3: Fire has left me with mixed feelings. [SPOILER ALERT from here on out.] I think that this Avatar season culminates in a fashion that might be a bit too happy for my tastes. We've still got villains in the form of a demoralized former Fire Lord Ozai and a chained Princess Azula. But just about everything else ended up in a nice, neat package.

The only cliffhanger / dangling plot thread is the mystery of Zuko's mom (and potentially Katara's mom as well). It's vaguely interesting, but nothing too compelling. It feels like the creative team on the show planned for three seasons and stuck to their guns even when Avatar got renewed for three more seasons (making a total of six Avatar "Books" last that I heard).

And I think it's awesome that they stuck to their guns. Too many "great" tales have been turned to "good" or "okay" by giving into the push for an endless bevy of serialized stories that can be marketed to an exhausted audience (*ahem* Star Wars *ahem*). But this ending is so happy that I actually wish the characters were in a bit more pain. The triumphant conclusion isn't gratifying -- it actually feels hollow. Where's the suspense?

This time last year, I was absolutely riveted by the ending of Book 2: Earth. Now I feel a bit tired of the Avatar Universe. With so many missed airdates and never-ending plot teases, my patience was beginning to wear thin before Book 3 even ended.

I also feel like Nickelodeon has severely mismarketed this property, continuing to aim it exclusively at an adolescent demographic when the stories have an obvious appeal to the Generation Y crowd.

Speaking of marketing Avatar, what's up with the Avatar trilogy of films directed by M. Night Shyamalan? He was quoted as saying that his first film would cover both Books 1 and 2. It's hard to imagine how he would still make a trilogy out of this presuming that Books 3 and 4 would combine to make film number two.

So what does the future hold for this franchise? Do we follow our heroes as they rebuild a diverse world that's free from the controlling hand of the Fire Nation? Do we get to see Aang restore the Air Temples now that he's in touch with the spirit of the nature itself (a.k.a. will he "create" new airbenders now that he can give and take bending abilities)?

I would actually be fine if this was simply the end of Avatar. It could be nice to revisit the Avatar Universe down the road when Aang's all grown up. Or maybe Nickelodeon should skip ahead in time significantly and let the story follow the next Avatar (you know, the one that would follow Aang). I guess all I'm wondering is: have we seen the last of the Last Airbender as we know him?

EDIT: I ask and Nickelodeon answers. According to an SDCC Avatar panel from this weekend's Comic-Con International in San Diego, Avatar: The Last Airbender was always intended to be three Books / seasons. Furthermore, it's just a bad rumor that there are going to be six seasons of Avatar. As we know it, the show is over.

As for the Airbender movie by Shyamalan, the first film will be a direct adaptation of Book 1: Water. At the panel, creators Michael DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko also said that they're working to get an Avatar show soundtrack released.

Superhero movie franchises have been lucky in that their sequels often eclipse their first outings. And The Dark Knight was better than Batman Begins. But certainly not "biggest opening weekend of all-time" better.

The Batsuit. In ten years, that stiff Batsuit will be almost as laughable as Batnipples on George Clooney.

The Batvoice. "Hey Christian," Nolan says to the film's star, "I want you to give me a husky whisper that sounds like you just gargled with whisky and Clorox. And make sure it sounds like @#$%."

Organized crime in Gotham City. It's strangely segregated and full of stereotypes. When the Russian, Italian, and black mobsters held a joint meeting with a Chinese corporate criminal, I cringed throughout the whole scene. Most of white characters were stereotyped heavily too -- they were all righteous control freaks that went mad with power (from Batman to Harvey Dent to Jim Gordon to even the Joker).

Rachel Dawes. She's was as stiff as the Batsuit and a total snoozefest.

Excessive runtime. I was ready for The Dark Knight to be over after an hour and a half. To my surprise, I still had AN HOUR TO GO. I would have preferred a "Previously in The Dark Knight..." showing a quick montage of the boring @#$% from the first half of the film, and then BAM! the movie actually starts in as the Joker busts out of jail.

When did Batman stop being fun? Both The Dark Knight and its predecessor are stalwarts of the serious. They struggle to remove any and all camp from the concept of Bruce Wayne and his billionaire's hobby of crime fighting. C'mon, the guy dresses up like a freakin' bat! He punches a psychotic clown in the face for fun! Batman is naturally campy. And that's not a bad thing.

To all the people who produced The Dark Knight and to all those who celebrated its "realistic" qualities while overlooking the fact that the movie was largely devoid of smiles, laughter, and fun:

Why so serious?

It is with this same level of personal duty or dharma, that I bring you my mobile review. As per the usual, 160 characters or less and typed out to Nick with a quickness known only to Jay Garrick and his successors.

Now that's what im talking about! dent and joker were well cast. twoface makeup is wacker than batman's voice though. brutal film. savage.

Tuesday's podcast will be heavily focused on The Dark Knight. I hope that isn't a problem.

The Track: When I realized this was the track from the Verizon commercial I've seen at the movies for the last 2 months, I almost shut it off. But I lingered. It turns out the worst part of the song is that keyboard intro before the bass really drops in. The beat is courtesy of The Runaways and not Timbaland. No guest verse, no vocoder, no screechy notes, no skits, no dance breakdown, none of that stuff. It is listenable, and so far, I haven't noticed the severely flawed logic present in other current hits such as Danity Kane's Damaged. Love it or hate it - prepare to hear this in the club all effing summer long.

The Video: Whoever wrote the treatment for this video watches a lot of HBO. This is Million Dollar Baby meets Flashdance meets The Pussy Cat Dolls. Confused? There is boxing, a wardrobe stolen from Jennifer Beals' closet, and wet hair / dancing that reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. Perhaps she rubbed off on Keri during the Scream shoot?

It probably went something like this: Ok, We'll dress up Keri in something totally backdrop-inappropriate and she will alternatively spar and makeout with her trainer; he must have tattoos. Oh - she knocks some other chick out too, and at the end she gets ugly highlights and leaves.

Keri's silver tapsuit (is that what it's called?) is as ridiculous as her interpretive dancing/voguing, and I swear I saw some Happy Hands Club choreography in there. It was kind of hard to watch this without wanting to laugh. Hilson does look good and is clearly doing the damn thing, but I'm not sold.

The Bottom line: Energy is better heard and not seen.

visuals were great but they went by too fast. character development was poor. won't win any awards.

Want to know more? Tune in the the podcast!

hancock was great. action and the origin worked for me. best superhero movie of the summer so far. hopefully they don't ruin it with a sequel.

Upon second thought though, this is not the 'best superhero movie of the summer so far' - but it certainly is the most creative and original.

I'm reserving the rest of my commentary for next week's Podcast.

In order to substantiate my prior opinions, I took in the 5:15 PM screening this afternoon. My post-flick txt (<160 characters) to Nick below:

Audience was all old people and a crying baby. Action was good, Jolie looks busted, Freeman pulls a Sam Jackson. Still fails to convey the point of the book.

The Happening wasn't scary or entertaining. message was totally lame - shitty even for a matinee. Shyamalan is making my last name look bad.

I probably should have seen Get Smart or Kung Fu Panda instead.

Movie was real mediocre. And i stayed all the way thru the credits for nothing! I thought liv tyler was the best actor in it. Roth was good too.

That about sums up how I feel about the whole thing. Now here are a few quick cameo spoilers for those who go to see The Incredible Hulk:

1. Director Louis Leterrier has been spouting off about a Captain America cameo, which is grossly misleading. My guess is that SPOILERS! when Thunderbolt Ross pulls a blue vial out of a weird cryo-bucket marked Dr. Reinstein, that blue goo inside the vial is some "Captain America" (remember, Leterrier never said anything about a Steve Rogers cameo).

2. Is that a secret Luke Cage cameo I saw when the Abomination starts smashing around in Harlem??? This may just be wishful thinking on my part, but we get a quick glimpse at a sizable looking guy running onto the street instead off the street when Harlem is getting torn up. I think this is none other than Carl Lucas a.k.a. Luke Cage. The tipping point: he's decked out in yellow.

3. Don't stay past the credits. There's nothing there. The Tony Stark cameo at the end of the film hits right before the credits, but it looks like it was supposed to follow them. Nick Fury makes no appearances (though his name flashes across the screen briefly). After the credits wrapped, the crowd at my theater was complaining that Nick Fury didn't show up. Sucks he wasn't there but how awesome is it to hear moviegoers complaining about a lack of Nick Fury?!!

saw hulk - better than prev. liv tyler is uggo. hate cg. stark cameo sucks.

Sound interesting? Tune in Tuesday for the whole story

Maybe the real problem is that I can't divorce SJP from Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and The City never entertained me and as a straight teenage guy living in New Haven, it didn't have much for me to relate to. And that would be fine, if there weren't an 'epic' movie being shoved in my face.

Parker hit the career-making-role jackpot with Carrie - but it's a double-edged sword. While she'll be remembered for popularizing Cosmopolitans and Manolos - she'll also be associated with Carrie's narcissism and selfishness. As occasional AS contributor Kirsten 'The Kitchen' notes, "...whenever one of the other girls complains about her life, Carrie finds a way to make a pun and bring the conversation back to herself."

Perhaps I'm just too hung up on SATC, but I'm sorry SJP: I do not want to stick it to you. My sincerest apologies.

The most interesting thing I'm experiencing right now is the stunningly favorable popular sentiment about the quality of the film. People who have never picked up a comic book and never will are telling me how it's their favorite superhero film they've ever seen.

A friend of mine raised a good point -- this movie was all about Tony Stark. Iron Man showed up a few times, but we were sold the genius inventor billionaire for the majority of the film instead of the guy in a robot suit.

A great observation, if you ask me. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm still shocked by how well this movie has been received. I'm extremely pleased for Marvel Studios, I'll tell you that. And I'm glad to see that Shellhead is green lit for a sequel. Thor, well, I'm iffy on that.

And 2011? Damn, that should be a fine year for comic book movies. When I was sitting in the theater watching Iron Man, I just kept thinking to myself, "this movie is okay, but how awesome will the Captain America movie be?" Seeing Cap tossing his shield around on the big screen will be a rather religious day for me. No doubt this movie will eclipse the earlier Captain America film.

That same year will see the Avengers movie, if everything goes to plan. Man, how are they going to pull that off? The first test was the Samuel L Jackson cameo after the Iron Man credits. That was good. The next test will be the Robert Downey Jr cameo as Iron Man in The Incredible Hulk. That's probably my most anticipated movie moment of the year right there.

I know that some have decried the idea of a Captain America movie separate from the Avengers film. My feeling is that we need to see Cap slinging his shield away from the big team to really appreciate the character. We need to see Falcon gliding across the New York City skyline while Cap leaps from rooftop to rooftop. I think we need to see Cap's mettle tested by going up against the Sons of the Serpent or Hate-Monger.

Not saying I'm right about any of that, mind you. I just think we need to understand Steve Rogers as a man coming to grips with the America that exists outside of his ideals. That way we get a better feel for the motivation and majesty of the person that he is (and there better be some Falcon in there!!!).

P.S. How trippy was it to see Obadiah Stane on a giant movie screen?

If Michelle Rodriguez and Angelina Jolie made babies together - and one of them had a sense of humor, the product might resemble this week's celeb crush: Mila Kunis.

You obviously know her as Jackie Burkhart from That 70s Show and the voice of Meg Griffin on The Family Guy, but did you know she's been dating Macaulay Culkin for like 6 years? If that is indicative of the caliber of dude she can tolerate, I should be in like Flynn!

Seriously though, she's smoking hot, excels at comedy, and isn't a hollywood mess like some other starlets. Bonus - we both are concerned about our eye-health! Clearly a match made in IMDb / Wikipedia heaven.

In conclusion: Mila Kunis, I want to stick it to you.

Who had any idea that the fantastic comedy Run, Fat Boy, Run was written by eccentric comedian Michael Ian Black and directed by sitcom star David Schwimmer??!!!

Michael Ian Black, for those who of you not in the know, is a comedian who has an interesting resume of television, movie, and advertising reaching back into the 1990s. I know him best from The State, the MTV show that tore down my world of comedy as a young lad and rebuilt it into a bigger, better, and stronger machine. Since that time, he's worked on various productions (such as Sierra Mist commercials). I think that Run, Fat Boy, Run is probably my favorite of his 2000s work. This past week on the AudioShocker, I ragged on his film Wedding Daze. That one was a bit stinky. But Run, Fat Boy, Run makes up for that.

David Schwimmer, well, he was Ross on Friends. A show that I loathed for its constant replays that messed up my Simpsons rerun watching schedule and caused me many headaches when I couldn't change the channel. No doubt that the guy's a great comedic actor, but still he was no Friends after all and that has to count for a few points against him. He's redeemed himself in my eyes by taking on the director's role of Run, Fat Boy, Run. His work here is terrifically minimal while being character obsessed (you could say Juno was like that too but the difference here is that Run, Fat Boy, Run is good while Juno was passable). Schwimmer, however, has always been partially redeemed in my mind for starring in the movie Breast Men (something I still need to see…).

No wonder I enjoyed Run, Fat Boy, Run so much (we talked about it in a past podcast but I can't remember when). Of course, Simon Pegg deserves props for his rewrite of the script. How'd I know that? From this interview with Michael Ian Black, of course. And the whole cast deserves props too because they're great. Don't go in expecting to piss yourself from laughter but do know that this movie is genuinely funny while having more heart than it knows what to do with. And thanks to Dylan Moran, the movie also has more butt cheeks than it knows what to do with.

The movie is a loosely based upon the 1971 robbery of a London bank. The heist goes off beautifully until the robbers' walkie talkies are picked up by a local Ham Radio operator. The robbery allegedly has national security implications and the press is quickly gagged. As if that weren't enough, Statham's crew is also pursued by a sadistic bookie, crooked cops, and agents from MI5. Did I mention there was a cute girl (Saffron Burrows) in it?

I wouldn't say the film is extremely well acted, but the characters have that John Cleese sort of humor that keeps my attention. Well, everyone except the David X character. He seemed like a caricature if anything. Statham appears extremely calm throughout the film. His voice and his eyes do all the acting for him. Diehard Statham fans may lament the lack of kicks, punches, and headbutts until the last 10 minutes of the film. I have a feeling that Statham wrote that short sequence into his contract, 'I must be able to hit a dude with a brick - or I walk.'

The story moves along briskly and does not lag. You get from concept to plan to caper to chase to resolution on schedule, much like the MTA train from New Haven to Grand Central. I find this extremely important to a movie like this. This is not the place for introspective monologues or cathartic breakdowns. I'd like to thank the director and editor for their work here.

The Bank Job is simultaneously plausible, wrly funny, and compelling. You may be tempted to draw parallels to Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, but this film does not rely on slapstick or unintelligible accents to entertain. The plot is simple, the twists are predictable, and it all works. A caper film without all the Hollywood flash - trailer below:

The Beat: While it was produced by Tricky Stewart, (Umbrella) I doubt you'll be hearing the studio cut in the clubs anytime soon. This beat is mellower and more subdued than his other work (Me Against the Music and B2K's Uh Huh). Personally, I need more knock, a faster tempo, and less synth mashing.

The Video: Oh Kenneth! Is this the only role you know how to play? Mariah and Jack play dressup while romping through her house and his fantasy. Mariah is no stranger to campy videos (Heartbreaker, Honey, etc) so it all made perfect sense to me. Of note: no backup dancers.

I don't care what anyone says, Mariah looks damn good! Did you know she's going to be 39 this year? I also just discovered that she and I share a birthday. Mariah - interested in a joint party?

Lastly, I doubt that Mariah is familiar with 802.11n, and last time I checked it was still a draft protocol, but what do I know?

The Content: Yeah, yeah, it's a throwaway love song. Fine, but you can't deny the genius of the lines:

If there's a camera up in here then I best not catch this flick on YouTube

Church! seriously people, YouTube is no place for your personal business. Save it for RedTube.

Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white T / I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans

Hands down, the best line of the entire track.

...'cause I'm all up in my business like a Wendy interview

Classic! I can't stand Wendy Williams.

Imagine, all that - and I haven't even gotten to sexy stuff!

The Vocals: Mariah is best known for being able to hit crazy high notes. Sadly, age has taken its toll and like so many others she too has resorted to the vocoder. At first I thought it was just a weird double - but no dice. To her credit, she doesen't use the demon-box to hit high notes or commit Cher & T-pain grade felonies. I can appreciate that.

The Bottom Line: The Voice is looking good despite an unexciting beat, a campy video involving a unicorn, and a vocoded delivery lacking her signature high notes.

Let me be honest with you: I think this movie sucks. I caught a free screening last night and damn am I glad it was free. I would have been pissed if I payed to see it.

The story follows three wealthy, eccentric white American brothers as they travel to India in hopes of a "spiritual" journey. If the spiritual journey thing wasn't trite enough for you, I promise it gets worse. All they end up doing is going on a self-indulgent rampage that reaffirms their insecure, awkward, and unattractive personalities.

The Indian characters mostly merge together in a sort of tasteless way. There's a pervasive feeling of disrespect for India, its culture, and its people that's often accompanied by Wes Anderson's weak attempts to show the grandeur of the country as "strange and foreign." The whole thing feels ignorant. Hopefully I can get Justique post her thoughts as well. She had some interesting things to say.

I wouldn't say that the film is visually stunning or anything. The intro scene is pretty savage as far as unprovoked violence goes. The action scenes are all quick cuts and impacts. I would say the action sequences are on par with the last Bourne movie. The one standout was a prayer scene that really calms you down before the next big action rush.

Colonel Faris' is probably the best played character in the entire film. A cop concerned with more than just punching the clock, he could easily be the Saudi John McClane. On the lighter side, he quotes the Hulk and Steve Austin as two of the reasons he became a cop.

The Kingdom also marks what has to be Jason Bateman's first non-comedic role ever. While this is not Teen Wolf Too or anything, Bateman is not expressing any range either. His character is pretty mundane until the end actually.

Timingwise, the movie does not lag much and kept my interest well. The action is well paced and doesent get so thick that you can't tell what is going on or who is fighting whom. That said, I think the producers must have been nervous enough about the film to lock in Jeremy Piven. Piven plays the same character as on Entourage - just with a Kevlar vest under his $3000 dollar suits.

I don't think the Kingdom is going to win a bunch of awards, because in the end it is just another action movie. The political statement is well worn territory and much like our administration - it just seems futile. But, if you want to see some dudes get capped, watch Jennifer Garner shove a knife in a man's crotch, or you just want to watch Jamie Foxx sweat - this could be the movie for you.