You've probably encountered this at some point or another -- after recommending an anime to a friend, they immediately say, "Nah, I'm not gonna watch that. I don't like anime." Hell, some of you might even be that person.

Well, I have a confession to make: I used to that person. But I'm not anymore, thanks to the persistence of my anime-loving girlfriend, Justique. She just wouldn't give up until she found an anime that I liked.

Some of the following selections happen to be my favorite anime (although the order of this list is not necessarily reflective of my own person tastes). But regardless of my favorites, at least one of these anime series or movies is sure to change the mind of even the most staunch anime hater out there.

9. Street Fighter Alpha: The Movie - Okay, let's suppose that the anime hater in your life is opposed to Japanese animation because they're just not familiar with the characters. Well look no further than this movie! It's a Street Fighter prequel of sorts that shows the gang coming together sorta like The Muppet Movie... just with a lot more blood and hadoukens.

8. Baccano - Personally, I don't like this series at all. But I can recognize a crossover hit when I see one. Baccano is a supernatural action story set in early 1930s America. So not only is it unconventional, but it's also set in the USA, which is sure to appease those anime haters among us who can't handle the Japanese culture shock.

7. Ghost in the Shell - This is by far the most traditional anime on the list. I've included it because it's an incredible story with gorgeous animation and a profoundly intricate plot. This is the movie to show to the anime haters that think everything animated in Japan looks like Dragon Ball Z.

6. Weather Report Girl - Ahhhhh, yes!!! I love it. This rare and extremely brief two-episode anime series is about a weather girl who works for a Japanese TV station... who's obsessively driven to succeed... and enjoys furiously masturbating whenever she gets the chance. This is an extremely adult tale that's best to show to haters who think that all anime is made for tweens.

5. Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya - Alright, so this show is probably the most controversial entry on this list. Why? Because it features a lot of the tropes that often give anime a bad rap among non-fans. But it's sooooooo goddamn good that it had to make this list. It's a light-hearted, feel-good story about an awkward crew of Japanese high school students who aren't quite what they seem.

4. Avatar: The Last Airbender - Disclaimer: this isn't a Japanese series. In fact, it's a Nicktoon. As in it aired on Nickelodeon. But it's often regarded as anime by many people out there. Even though I question that classification, there's one thing that I don't question in the least -- the quality of this three-season TV show. It's absolutely brilliant. Avatar is complex, emotional, and surprisingly all-ages.

3. Perfect Blue - This is the most straight-forward story on this list. A burgeoning Japanese pop star is haunted by a stalker. That's it. Pretty simple in concept. But it's wonderfully rich in suspense and imagery. Remember when I told you to show Weather Report Girl to haters who assume that all anime is juvenile? Well, you should probably show them this one first.

2. Welcome to the NHK - This is the anime to watch with haters who think that all Japanese animation is filled with busty babes, ridiculous action, and post-apocalyptic futures. NHK is the antithesis of the anime cliche. It's a slice-of-life story about a troubled shut-in and his two best friends. It's also an incredibly moving story that's potent in any language.

1. Shin Chan - Finally, we've reached the ultimate anime to convert even the most stubborn of non-believers! Shin Chan is The Simpsons meets South Park, but with more fart jokes. It's a family sitcom primarily following a five-year-old boy who says abnormally adult things while maintaining all the mischievousness of his youth. Though I've never tried to watch this show with subtitles, I can't imagine it'd be much of a hater breaker that way. For this series, you want to make sure that the anime denier in your life is watching the English dubbed version, which is notable for airing on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

ALSO CHECK OUT:
- The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part One
- The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part Two

A year and a half ago, I did a list called The Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years. Here now is my return to that theme... my updated list of the Top 9 most underrated comedies of the past few years!

9. Finishing the Game. I love 70s movies. I love Bruce Lee. And thus I loved liked this movie. It didn't blow my mind or make me piss myself, but it was an entertaining mockumentary that rewarded me for being a Bruce Lee fan. Plus, it was a good Hollywood satire. [Buy it now: Finishing the Game on Amazon]

8. The Slammin' Salmon. Wait... this went direct-to-video but Club Dread was in theaters? THAT'S A CRIME! Similar to Finishing the Game, this wasn't super laugh out loud funny, but it had a lot of chuckles and it certainly kept my attention. It's like Waiting... but better. [Buy it now: The Slammin' Salmon on Amazon]

7. The Brothers Solomon. Truly stupid. It's hard to watch this and not cringe at the ignorance of the characters, the concept, and the humor. But there're some surprisingly hilarious and unexpected jokes that come out of left field and slap the funny in your face. [Buy it now: The Brothers Solomon on Amazon]

6. Midgets vs. Mascots. DISCLAIMER: Not for everyone! It's racist, sexist, homophobic... and so on. It's a parody, so it's not all those things in a serious way. But it'll offend you. Me, on the other hand, I think the shart scene is the greatest achievement in modern cinema. [Buy it now: Midgets vs. Mascots on Amazon]

5. I Love You Phillip Morris. Part of me wants to swap this movie out for Dance Flick and leave it off the list... BUT I left it on here because it's criminally underrated. I haven't heard any talk or buzz about it! It's funny and emotional, and it sticks with you. [Buy it now: I Love You Phillip Morris on Amazon]

4. Death at a Funeral. (The American remake, that is.) I heard bad reviews. I assumed it was Martin and Chris Rock's The Expendables. I was wrong. It's a fantastic screwball comedy along the lines of Dinner for Schmucks (another underrated comedy, natch). [Buy it now: Death at a Funeral on Amazon]

3. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard. Wow. I should have expected no less from Neal Brennan. I mean, this was shockingly funny. Stupid, yes. But incredibly funny. One of those "choke on my own laughter" kinds of funny. DISCLAIMER: It's very ignorant!!! [Buy it now: The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard on Amazon]

2. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (Extended Cut). The extended cut is looong, but it's fantastically funny. I mean, it's better to the point where I wouldn't recommend watching the non-extended cut. Bonus: this movie has lots of quotable moments. And penis. [Buy it now: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story on Amazon]

1. Gentlemen Broncos. This choice is odd for me considering how often I favor in-your-face joke delivery. But I love this film up and down. It's probably the most underrated AND funniest thing on this list. It's insane, quotable, and warrants multiple viewings. [Buy it now: Gentlemen Broncos on Amazon]

More:
- See this same list of underrated comedies on our AudioShocker Amazon aStore
- The Top 9 Most Overrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Well, I get that look a lot more than others. So here's a short list of movies that ellicit that response the most.

9. Soul Plane. Everyone I show this to agrees with me -- this movie is good.

8. Music and Lyrics. In general, I enjoy most Hugh Grant movies.

7. My Bloody Valentine. It was awesome in 3D, okay?

6. G-Force. This was also pretty awesome in 3D.

5. Muppets from Space. I think this is the best Muppet film out there, if not the best film out there.

4. Drag Me to Hell. Don't get it twisted -- this is a comedy movie.

3. Street Fighter. Again, you gotta rememeber that this is a comedy.

2. Balls of Fury. This too is a comedy movie. And a damn good one.

1. The Ladies Man. So many people thumb their nose at this and they've never seen it! Give it a chance. It's hilarious.

P.S. The Back Issue Binge is going to become a non-weekly, whenever-it's-fun-and-easy-to-meet-up sort of thing. I'll try and let you know ahead of time when it's gonna show up.

As I mentioned last time, this list was originally a submission to The Greatest Black Panther Stories Ever Told contest on the Comics Should be Good! blog (see their top 10 choices for best BP stories).

As I also mentioned, my selections for #5-1 are all classic and almost all... old, one could even claim. Maybe I'm just a classic sort of guy, ya know? Or maybe -- just maybe -- the greatest T'Challa tales just happen to be in the earlier days of the character.

05. "The Client" - Black Panther v3 #1-5 (Christopher Priest left a HUGE mark on the Panther's legacy, and it all began with this clever story arc. While I love Priest's work, his BP stories -- oddly enough -- are not my favorite of his or of the character's. But I think this is his best work with T'Challa, if only because it redefined the character for a modern audience and established an enduring status quo in terms of attitude and Wakandan culture.)

04. "Panther's Rage" - Jungle Action #6-18 (Don McGregor, Rich Buckler, and Billy Graham created what I think is safe to call the most single riveting and intense Black Panther epic in the form of Panther's Rage. It's not as much fun as Kirby's solo issues or as awe-inspiring as the Sons of the Serpent arc from Avengers, but it's amazing in its sheer length of narrative -- somewhere around 200 pages of continuous story, something which was basically unheard of at 70s Marvel. I know a lot of critics have espoused the virtues of this tale, as well as creators (Dwayne McDuffie, for example). Suffice to say I agree with them all. It's awesome.)

03. "Black Panther vs. the Sons of the Serpent" - Avengers v1 #73-74 (Roy Thomas writes a masterful two-part Avengers tale with a focus on T'Challa and his battle against the supremacist group, the Sons of the Serpent. It's one of the few BP stories that I feel successfully deals with discrimination and prejudice. However, more importantly, it's expertly crafted and exciting from start to finish. The real clincher here is #73, with pencils by Frank Giacoia. Frank is best known as an inker, but his rare turn on superhero pencils is gorgeous. Need evidence? Look no further than page 18 of #73, where BP stalks New York City at night. It's an incredible montage well ahead of its time in terms of tone and layout.)

02. "King Solomon's Frog" - Black Panther v1 #1-4 (This is a bit easier to delineate than the "Water Skin" story arc if only because it has a more distinct conclusion. These four issues fill the first half of Marvel's BP vol 1 TPB by Kirby. This arc comes second in my list of favorites because it displays the genius of Kirby's original Panther concept, while taking things to the next level of action and excitement. While BP's origin in FF #52 was fun, it wasn't as thrilling as this. Before there was Indiana Jones, there was Jack Kirby's Black Panther!)

01. "Quest for the Sacred Water Skin" - Black Panther v1 #5-7 (Sometimes it's tough to draw lines between story arcs in 60s/70s Marvel, but I've decided to lump these three issues together as an arc because they deal with the over-arching theme of T'Challa's quest to find the sacred water skin hidden in the secret City of Lost Samurai. These issues are included as the second half of Marvel's BP vol 1 TPB by Kirby. Why my top choice? Because they're simply amazing. The art, the writing, and everything about them makes for an incredible read. BP versus the Yeti. BP versus the ancient Samurai code. BP and Mister Little escape from a horde of enraged katana wielders! Too bad that few BP writers since this time have capitalized on the exciting tone Kirby displayed in this short story arc.)

That's it! Hope you liked my choices. If not, write your own in the comments.

Be back here next week for the non-Top 9 start of something very special -- Project: Basement!

However, since I wrote such a grand set of justifications for my choices, I thought I'd share them as a two-part The Top 9!

Oddly enough, all the choices on this first part of the list are fairly modern, whilst all of my part two selections lean towards the classic. Coincidence or conspiracy? You be the judge!

Honorable Mention: "Enemy of the State" - Black Panther v3 #6-12 (Honestly, I don't LOVE these issues like my other choices. But I do think they're important. Why? Because they took the tone established in Christopher Priest's first BP story arc and spun it into Marvel Universe reality. The revelation that Panther joined the Avengers to spy on them is twisted and hard to stomach, but it's also fascinating. While I wouldn't recommend these issues to anyone as their first Panther read, I do feel they're great for die-hard fans.)

09. "Two the Hard Way" - Black Panther v4 #10-11 (Okay, look, there are a lot of problems with Reggie Hudlin's take on the Black Panther. But these two BP-Cage team-up issues are just plain fun. Read and enjoy! There's nothing else to it.)

08. "See Wakanda and Die" - Black Panther v4 #39-41 (Eerie, disturbing, and thrilling, Jason Aaron and Jefte Palo deliver this stunning T'Challa tale as a tie-in to the Secret Invasion event. It's hard to put into words how gripping this quick story arc is... it's one of the most morbid BP tales I can think of, and definitely puts a somber end to the more happy-go-lucky Black Panther v4 series. The art is beautiful, the writing is smart, and the characters are endearing. But not TOO endearing. Black Panther and Storm become savage defenders of Wakanda who almost seem more fit for a Marvel MAX book than this mostly all-ages BP series.)

07. "Reconstruction" - Fantastic Four v1 #544-550 (This seven-part story is often overlooked by many fans, partly because it fell under the far-too-broad Initiative banner, and partly because it was a temporary dismantling of the classic Fantastic Four lineup. But that's what makes this Dwanye McDuffie, Paul Pelletier, and Rick Magyar story so much fun! BP essentially becomes the interim leader of the FF for this story arc and leads them on a massive cosmic journey. It's a rare chance to see BP rely on others in such a serious way. It's also an opportunity to see the great Dwayne McDuffie deliver his take on the Wakandan hero. Overall, I think this is the most underrated set of issues on this list. If you like big cosmic action AND the Black Panther, then you'll dig this.)

06. "World Tour" - Black Panther v4 #19-22 (T'Challa and Storm decide to spend their honeymoon by crisscrossing the globe and making alliances with other powerful Marvel characters in light of the impending events of Civil War. This story arc actually got split as a post-wedding tale and a Civil War tie-in in terms of branding and TPBs, but if you look at the issues, it's really one four-part arc. It's Hudlin at his best with T'Challa, making him clever, diplomatic, and dignified. Manuel Garcia turns in some INCREDIBLE art work that blew my mind back when I first read this story. I know Hudlin has his detractors, but even the biggest haters would be hard-pressed to hate this entire tale. Really, the only flaw is the uneven Doom characterization in #19, which is fairly negligible in my opinion.)

Be back next week for part 2 a.k.a. the thrilling continuation to The Top 9 Greatest Black Panther Tales!!!

9. To share your podcast online, you either need to get a webspace hosting plan or start a Libsyn (or other pay-for-podcasting) account. Personally, I recommend that you get a hosting plan, start a WordPress powered blog, and install the podPress plugin to broadcast your audio.

8. Get a USB mic or use your computer's built-in microphone.

7. To record your audio and edit stuff together, use Audacity.

6. In Audacity's "Preferences," make sure you're recording in mono. File size will be an issue down the line, and recording in mono will help keep the size down. (BTW, unless you're doing video, never record at 48.000 kHz -- always 44.100 kHz!!!)

5. For some compression and editing tips if you're using a Mac, check out my Podcast Pointers: Taking the Noise Out blog post. If you're on a PC, it's not quite as easy. SORRY! (But I do love the "Hard Limiter" effect for basic compression in the PC version of Audacity -- hope that helps.)

4. Export the edited audio out of Audacity as a .WAV or .AIF file and import it into iTunes.

3. In iTunes, set your "Import Settings" in "Preferences" to convert the imported audio into an mp3. Since podcasts normally run long and create large files, you have to make sure that the audio file isn't too huge. I suggest using mp3 settings of 80 kbs / 22.050 kHz / stereo channels / joint stereo mode / no smart encoding adjustments. (The joint stereo setting is important because it condenses the file size where possible!)

2. To get the audio file onto your webspace, you should probably use an FTP program (though some services will also offer the option to upload the audio for you -- just remember that the file may take some time to upload!). For FTP, I recommend using Filezilla. FTP is, of course, it's own beast if you've never used it before, but it's not that hard and there are tons of tutorials that can help you.

1. Anyway, there's A LOT more to it than that, but those are the basics. As a final step, I recommend that you look up some more tutorials to fine tune your podcasting experience. I have a somewhat-tutorial of my own on Google Knol called Creating a Podcast. Good luck and feel free to shoot me an email if you need any podcasting advice!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = podcasting is for lovers.

9. José Luis Pardo

1. Jimi Hendrix

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = SWEET RIFF, DUDE!

Here are the REAL reasons Teabaggers (I can't believe they actually call themselves that!) hate Captain America and always will:

9. Captain America drinks coffee, not tea.

8. On occassion, his comic book is written by radical left-wing super-liberals.

7. He was dead for the past couple years and missed the whole Sarah Palin thing.

6. His superhero partner is (or at least WAS) a social worker. HARLEM PORK BARREL POLITICS!

5. Captain America ran for president AND he watched Nixon kill himself.

4. There's a good chance that the A on his forehead actually stands for "frAnce."

3. His on-again/off-again Federal salary is just another example of out-of-control government spending.

2. That 90s Captain America movie totally sucked.

1. His shield is a circle, the same symbol liberals, gays, and cartoon lions use to describe life.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Patriotic

9. Thumb Wrestling - This is a true art and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's a game of psychological cunning and digit dexterity. Imagine the awesome closeups that'd be necessary to show this sport on TV. Riviting!

8. Chess - You would think this game of ultimate strategy would be part of the Olympic lineup, but, alas, it's been shunned. Looks like the World Chess Federation isn't nearly as methodical and plotting as they need to be if they can't even get a spot up there next to curling.

7. Cornhole - This is the youngest of these new age Olympic contenders. Frankly, this sport is probably way too frat house and tailgate right now for the Olympics, but it could ripe for the gaming.

6. Darts - Darts is to archery as ping pong is to tennis. So why not let darts go Olympic? Plus, this would actually be fun to watch on TV, I bet.

5. Billiards - It's the sport of hustlers and boring weird old people alike. Everyone from the toughest to the dorkiest can play billiards, thus making this potential Olympic competition rather interesting.

4. Butts Up - The ultimate "don't fuck it up!" schoolyard game. It's sort of like handball mixed with execution by firing squad.

3. Pillow Fighting - Is there anyone out there who hasn't had a pillow fight or some sort of equivalent battle? This might just be the most universal of all games; the ultimate lowest common denominator of sports. Plus, I think it'd be fun if there was a "slumber party" theme to the uniforms.

2. Bowling - Believe it or not, bowling isn't an offical Olympic sport. It's been a "demonstration sport," meaning it's often exhbited at the Olympic Games, but never for a medal.

1. Beer Pong - Shit, if the beer's the problem, then just call it cup pong or something else. Anyway, thanks to the USA being home to college students from across the Earth, imagine how many people the world over are now champions of this international sport??? Of course, it would be controversial... but that might actually cause people to watch the Olympics out of interest instead of "there's nothing else on TV" boredom.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Olympic

9. Motorola: Megan Fox bathing

8. Doritos: "keep your hands off my momma"

7. Kia Sorento: toy's night out

6. Bridgestone: whale in a pickup truck

5. Boost: Boost Mobile Shuffle

4. Snickers: "playing like Betty White"

3. truTV: Punxsutawney Polamalu

2. Late Show with David Letterman: Dave, Oprah, and Leno

1. Denny's: Free Grand Slam screaming chickens

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = XLIV

For the back story on these tales and more, check out Superhero History: War Machine.

9. Iron Man v1 #169-171 (first Rhodey as Iron Man, along with his second adventure in the Iron Man armor)

8. War Machine v1 #1-7 and 11 (first solo War Machine run minus crossovers; Rhodey leads Worldwatch)

7. The Crew v1 #1-7 (Rhodey avenges the death of his sister and makes some new friends in the process)

6. War Machine v1 #8 and Iron Man v1 #310 (first War Machine vs. Iron Man)

5. Iron Man v1 #281-283 (first appearance of the War Machine armor, worn by Tony Stark)

4. Iron Man v1 #300 and Marvel Comics Presents v1 #151-155 (introduces a street gang called the War Machines and events send Rhodey on a crusade to clean up the streets)

3. U.S. War Machine v1 #1-12 (alternate MAX continuity with a fleet of War Machines working for S.H.I.E.L.D.)

2. Iron Man: Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. #33-35 (a.k.a. War Machine: Weapon of S.H.I.E.L.D.; War Machine vs. Skrulls)

1. Iron Man v1 #284-291 (first Rhodey in War Machine armor; first Iron Man and War Machine team up)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = War Machine.

9. Angelina - Really, who walks out on an MTV reality show?
8. Vinny's total milquetoastness and utter irrelevance to the show
7. Ron Ron Juice - or maybe not
6. JWOWW's Battle dancing
5. GTL! GTL! GTL! - Because summer should revolve around gym, tanning, and laundry, right?
4. Snooki's hottub antics - although, someone at MTV told me that Snookin for Love is all but greenlit
3. Creepin, grenades, and grenade launchers
2. THE SITUATION
1. The Snooki punch

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 > pants.

8. Death at a Funeral

7. Grown Ups

6. Repo Men

5. Megamind

4. The Eagle Path

3. Tron: Legacy

2. Iron Man 2

1. I Love You Phillip Morris

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = pants.

9. Twelve
8. Q
7. Urien
6. Necro
5. Elena
4. Sean
3. Yun
2. Ibuki
1. Oro

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Neal hates math.

9. Tales of the TMNT #64 (very excellent Mikey issue)
8. Uncanny X-Men #287 (first story where we really see Bishop's timeline)
7. Infinity War #1 (love that opening scene!)
6. Surfer Silver #35 (love the plot twist!)
5. Wet Moon 5 (love that ending scene!)
4. Gello Apocalypse (in particular, the story starting with the Charlie Brown cover)
3. Iron Man #261 (OMG! awesome parallel plot storytelling by JRjr)
2. G-Man: Cape Crisis (can't just pick one issue!)
1. Iron Man #306 (love me some Len Kaminski arc and this issue blew my mind)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Neal hates math.

9. Thankskilling
8. MoH: Pro-Life
7. Teeth
6. Candyman
5. MoH: Cigarette Burns
4. Phone
3. Misery
2. Perfect Blue
1. Three... Extremes

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome.

9. Zombies - I am so horrendously sick of America's fascination with the undead - particularly zombies. What is so exciting about what is essentially a deranged flesh eating clown without the makeup? (Oh yeah, I hate clowns too...)

8. Twilight - Perhaps it goes without saying based on #9, but this particular parasitic bit of YA fiction can go eat some garlic laced silver nitrate and die.

7. Tyler Perry and M. Night Shyamlan - Original, eh?

6. Multi-Baby Mama Drama - If Jon & Kate plus 8 and the Octomom simply vanished, we as a nation would all be better off.

Deep Dish Sucks!

5. Chicago style deep dish pizza - The crust is overly buttery, the toppings are boring, and after one slice you're full. Pizza is NOT a casserole. [Note - I have to disagree on this one. IMO, ya gotta go straight to the source! Either Pizzeria Uno or Pizzeria Due ("due" as in italian for "two") in downtown Chi-town. Or, check out some of the local deep dish in the nearby (a.k.a. not Peoria) Chicago suburbs. - Nick] [Author's Note - Neal has been to both Due & Uno, as well as Giordano's and they all suck donkey balls! sorry Chi]

4. Hipsters - Hey you, scenesters! Guess what? I actually like music and occasionally bowling. Perhaps you could take your chain smoking, overly compressed testes somewhere else.

gross.

3. CG - The current state of computer graphics in movies is apalling. SFX look shittier and more phoned in then ever before. Remember the Matrix? If you want cool character makeup / effects, you should really just call Tom Savini.

2. Biodiesel - Nothing grinds my gears more than people who prattle on about how awesome biofuels are. Biodiesel is crap and so are your views on the environment. Oh - and screw you too ethanol. [Note - Neal once killed a man for believing in global warming. - Nick] [Author's Note - Yup, global warming is junk science]

1. Someone freezing and slicing my brain live on the Internet - They were actually doing this on Wednesday for some famous amnesiac. In three words: Do. Not. Want.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome!

sehtolc raeppasid!

Ain't nothing wrong with a little consumerism. As America starts counting down shopping days, it's only fitting that we share with you our wish lists. While none of these items are for sale - feel free to send us presents.

9. Paul Allen's Octopus Yacht - This thing has 2 helicopters and a gaggle of jetskis -- but that is just for starters. Sign us up for two.

8. Three wishes granted by Zatanna - A little piglatin and she can make anything happen; that is infinitely better than some blue skinned, harem pant wearing, Robin Williams voiced cartoon.

7. Global ban on Tyler Perry and M. Night Shyamlan - Really, how on earth are these two dudes still getting work?

6. 50 Cent's debut R&B album - Can you fathom how awesome a disc of Curtis Jackson crooning ballads would be? It would blow Before I Self Destruct out of the freaking water. It'll never happen, but I can dream.

ALF, wing man extraordinaire

5. Guest spot on Alf - Nick would most likely dirty his dungarees were this possible. I mean, imagine all the crazy hijinks with a wingman like Gordon Shumway.

4. Bootjets - Oh wait, these are like 10000% unavailable. Perhaps a more realistic question is: where the eff is my flying car already?

3. Diplomats reunion (minus Jim Jones) - Look, Diplomatic Immunity Vols. 1&2 were major and Santana's From Me To U was a classic. All I am asking is for the boys from Harlem to bury the hatchet for like 4 hours.

2. Another 'First 100 Days' for Obama - ZING! No seriously, America's CEO could use a do-over.

1. More listeners - Tell your friends, your coworkers, your boss, your boss's boss, your boss's boss's mistress: The AudioShocker Podcast wants your ears (but not in a creepy ear-necklace sort of way).

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome!

[Thx for that intro, Neal. See, I was going to do a Top 9 about Ninja Assassin because Justique and I caught an advance screening of it tonight... but Instead, Neal decided to start a Top 9 without me and left me with 2/3s of the work. Classic! Suffice to say that you'll have to wait until AudioShocker Podcast #107 on Nov 24th to find out just how awesome Ninja Assassin was (hint: it was really awesome). As for Neal's Top 9 TV characters? I'll play along. However, I've noted who chose what (mostly because I don't endorse Neal's selections). Sorry, Neal! - Nick]

9. Aang, the Avatar - What's an AudioShocker TV favorites list without some Avatar? Answer: LAME! [Nick]

8. Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad - Many peeps don't know this, but Leslie Nielsen's slapstick superstar cop started out on TV's Police Squad! before he moved to film in the Naked Gun series. [Nick]

7. Sarah Palin - Man, she sure is a character. Thank god it's all an act. (It is an act, right? Right???) [Obama]

6. The Great Gonzo - "Thank you. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music of The Flight of the Bumblebee. Music, maestro!" [Nick]

5. Homer Simpson - His character is oh so endearing. [Justique]

4. Stewie Griffin - Matricidal maniac. I'd burp that. [Neal]

3. ALF - A.K.A. Gordon Shumway [Nick]

2. Brock Samson - Actually, any character that Patrick Wharburton voices is pretty fucking awesome. [Neal]

1. Gob Bluth - Did you really think I wasn't going to take it back to Arrested Development? [Neal]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. (Sadly, that’s what Nick calls math.)

8. Banshee

7. Falcon

6. Power Girl

5. Vision

4. War Machine

3. G-Man

2. Storm

1. Superman

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. The Black Eyed Peas and U2 are the worst (and most overrated) bands ever

8. You can get ANYTHING delivered in NYC

7. Your favorite rapper probably has a ghostwriter

6. Chinese run Mexican joint > Qdoba > Chipotle

5. Grades don't actually matter

4. Xenogears > Street Fighter

3. Auto-Tune was originally developed to find oil wells, not for Teddy Pain

2. Mortgage backed sneakers are not a sound investment

1. Your breath stanks

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. (Sadly, that’s what Nick calls math.)

9. Biten by a tarantula in the middle of a winning match of Rock Paper Scissors.

8. Savagely mauled by a bald eagle on the top of a peaceful mountain.

7. Clawed by a tiger while resting in a lavish royal palace.

6. Punched in the face by a large monkey while meditating on the beach.

5. Colliding with a flying squirrel when climbing a tree in the rainforest.

4. Slapped by a whale fin while snorkeling near a tropical reef.

3. Strangled by an elephant at an elegant religious ceremony.

2. Kicked by a moose while hiking in a beautiful untouched bed of snow.

1. Flung off the back of a dolphin while trying to ride it into the sunset.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Email your Top 9 ideas and/or completed lists to nick@audioshocker.com. Also make sure to include a link you'd like to promote in conjunction to your submission, be it a link to your own site or a link to something that's relevant to your list.

Finally, to help you get a grasp on the sort of thing I'm looking for, I've made a list of The Top 9 Ways to Write an AudioShocker Top 9:

9. In english, please. I only know a little bit of French and even less American Sign Language (ASL), so keep it in my native tongue.

8. Profanity is a plus. This ain't your goddamn grandma's mutherfuckin' Top 9.

7. It can be about anything you want. Movies, music, comics, video games, and TV tend to be the most popular topics around these parts, but I'm open to other stuff.

6. References to Susan Sarandon or Street Fighter are a really big plus. Yes they are.

5. Your list has to go from 9 to 1, not 1 to 9. I don't feel like re-ordering your list, so please keep it countdown style.

4. Don't give me a list that was already posted somewhere else. No repeats!

3. Normally, a list item is structured like this one. With a highlighted short first sentence and/or phrase, followed by a sentence or two of description.

2. Don't give me anything bigotted or downright mean because I won't post it. However, an exception will be made for any submissions from Neal, because he just can't help it.

1. Make sure there are only nine items in your Top 9 list. No Top 20s, no Top 5s, and sure as hell no Top 10s. I don't mind honorable mentions to start off the list, but I will only post your nine main numbered items if you send me more than that.

BONUS POINTS: If you have a Top 9 in mind but you don't want to write it out, you can call it in! Dial the AudioShocker comment line at 412-567-7606 and leave a message. Then we'll air your audio Top 9 list as a special Top 9 Podcast! Also, if you hate phones, you can record your own audio file and email it to me at nick@audioshocker.com -- just make sure it's 15 MB or less before you try to email it.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Blame It on the E-E-E-E-E-Economy is a number one smash hit across northern Europe.

8. The marketing potential of Chia Obama featuring Chia Nobel Peace Prize is just too great to turn down.

7. "At least he's not George W. Bush..."

6. When the Nobel Prize committee found out that Obama is planning to go as a Summer of Love hippie for Halloween, they just couldn't pass up the opportunity to make fun of him.

5. A voluntary urinalysis proved that Obama isn't using performance enhancing drugs.

4. He's been in office for almost a year now, and President Obama hasn't done the nasty with any of his staffers OR any employees at CBS (okay, maybe just once with Katie Couric... but that was on the campaign trail).

3. It's not easy being green.

2. "At least he's not Sarah Palin..."

1. Two words: sexual favors.

More: President Obama Loves Big Guns and Creepy Guys in Whiteface

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Looking for more underrated comedies? See our new Son of the Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies!!!

9. The Ten. I woulda put this at #10 on the list just because, but this is The Top 9 and thusly includes no #10. Whatever. This movie is not amazing, but decently funny, if only for the Jesus in Mexico vignette. [Buy it now: The Ten on Amazon]

8. Accepted. I never hear anyone talk about this flick, despite it's now famous cast. It's pretty damn funny. Again, not amazing, but still really good. [Buy it now: Accepted on Amazon]

7. Idiocracy. On the whole, a lot of movies on this list can outdo the comedy of Idiocracy. But for a might-as-well-have-been direct-to-DVD sleeper, this movie is totally awesome. The film is very quotable. I even own a "Camacho for President" t-shirt. [Buy it now: Idiocracy on Amazon]

6. Big Stan. I have a soft spot for Rob Schneider. This isn't his best, but it's very strong (not to mention Rob's directorial debut, I think). Conceptually, it's excellent and the execution - while not being laugh-out-loud all the time - is pretty damn funny. [Buy it now: Big Stan on Amazon]

5. The Big Bounce. How many people out there saw this one? Yeah, that's what I thought. Only the people that I showed it to. Well, it's great, okay? Like Big Stan, it's more quirky funny than piss yourself funny. It's got excellent actors in it and a strong plot twist. [Buy it now: The Big Bounce on Amazon]

4. Surviving Christmas. Why so high on this list? Why even on this list? Because Ben Affleck is constantly getting shit on, which caused this gem to be largely overlooked. I think this could make an argument for "most underrated," though not the BEST of the underrated flicks here. [Buy it now: Surviving Christmas on Amazon]

3. Yes Man. This may be the least underrated on the list. It sits this high because, while being generally enjoyed, it's not a huge hit. This movie is funny enough to be a major smash, yet most people I know stayed away from it. This probably has the widest appeal of all the films on this list. [Buy it now: Yes Man on Amazon]

2. Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach. Or Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story. Whatever you want to call it, this is fucking great. I nearly peed myself at points watching this one. However, it probably has the most narrow appeal of all the films. You have to appreciate gross out comedy, situational ignorance, and cheap shocker jokes (no, not that shocker... "shocker" as in "shocking"). [Buy it now: Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach on Amazon]

1. Balls of Fury. This movie tends to polarize people. And by polarize, I mean that I love it and just about everyone else thinks it's not funny. EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG. This is the real deal, a near Holy Grail of slapstick / gross out / poor taste comedy. You've got Walken, Lopez, Terry Crews, that main guy who's really funny, Maggie Q in her best role, and the French Stewart lookalike guy who voices Batman now. It's made by the guys from The State who also make Reno 911 [and The Ten]. It's got some serious comedy pedigree. And you should watch it. And love it. [Buy it now: Balls of Fury on Amazon]

See also:

- Check it! Underrated comedy movies on our AudioShocker Amazon aStore
- The Top 9 Most Overrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years
- The Top 9 Best Bad Comedy Movies (So Bad They’re Good!)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Zombieland. This film comes out today and everybody already thinks it's gonna be the funniest thing since Janet's nipple slip. Unfortunately, audiences will be in for a huge surprise when they find out that the character arcs revolve around product placement and painfully transparent motives.

7. Role Models. Seann William Scott and Bobb'e Thompson were amazing, but Paul Rudd's performance is a serious dud. Sadly, the movie largely focuses on Rudd's character, and the best of this film is overshadowed by the worst.

6. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Conceptually, this could have been one of the greatest comedy films in American history. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is certainly one of the best comedies of this decade. However, this sequel lacks the intelligence and timing of the first film.

5. Be Kind Rewind. Is this even a comedy movie? It felt more like a filmmaking tragedy. While the poorly-coined "Sweeding" is a fantastic concept, the film fails to capitalize on its own genius and, instead, falls flat.

4. Grandma's Boy. Aside from a brief Rob Schneider cameo and a great masturbation joke, there is nothing funny in this film whatsoever. I walked out of the theater with only 20 minutes left to go.

3. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. While I appreciate puppets and sex jokes, I like them even more when they actually make me laugh. The premise is decent, but the execution needs more gusto.

2. Knocked Up. Sucks. I walked out of the theater after the first 25 minutes and asked for my money back. They refused, but offered me another ticket. Hostel 2 was pretty good.

1. Dan in Real Life. Why? WHY??? To me, this film is the epitome of "this movie stole two hours of my life and I want them back." Aside from the low lows of the egregiously horrid Dane Cook performance, everything else in this movie is completely blah and painfully unfunny.

Next: The Top 9 Most Underrated Comedy Movies of the Past Few Years!

More: The Top 9 Things That Suck About Modern Movies

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. The story toes the void between witty zombie satire and indulgent fan fiction.

8. MINOR SPOILER! (Highlight to reveal the missing words.) Even though Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray star in this wildly self-referential film, no one ever manages to mention their greatest co-achievement, Kingpin.

7. There's text integrated into the entire film (like, literally, these captions become part of the image as opposed to sitting on top). While it looks pretty good for what it is, it feels like the novelty of its perspective placement may either a) start a horribly obnoxious trend, or b) become completely unwatchable in future viewings.

6. There's an astounding frequency of product placement throughout the film, to the point where the lines between movie and commercial blur.

5. The movie features helpless female protagonists in danger... in a completely non-ironic way, mind you.

4. Product placement actually becomes central to the film's plot. Tallahassee (Woody's character) has a love for Twinkies, and this aspect becomes crucial to his character arc.

3. The filmmakers obviously wanted Michael Cera for the main role, but he either wasn't available or wasn't interested.

2. Any opportunity to say a proper noun (in this instance, a brand name) instead of a common noun is fully exploited by the writers. Hand sanitizer becomes Purell, soda becomes Mountain Dew Code Red, an SUV becomes a Cadillac Escalade, and so on.

1. While Zombieland is overall a fun movie, it's dangerously close to being consumed by its more contrived elements, and that fact makes the viewing experience slightly unsatisfactory.

More: The Top 9 Least In Demand Fan Fiction Franchises!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. The name "DC Comics" wasn't dark enough. Gotta keep up with the trends!

7. "Dork Central Entertainment" sounds better than "Dork Central Comics."

6. If you squint your eyes and look at it really fast, "DC Ent." sort of reads like "DeCent." Gotta love subliminal branding!

5. The DC offices were tired of getting calls from travel agents trying to make reservations at Washington D.C.-area comedy clubs.

4. Approximately 99.9% of kids under the age 14 have no idea what a "Comics" is. However, they all enjoy "Entertainment."

3. Paul Levtiz was defeated in a high-stakes poker game by Diane Nelson. After he lost the hand where he bet his job, the only thing he had left was the company name.

2. Disney bought Marvel. Warner Bros. got scared.

1. DC Comics employees were fed up with the constant ridicule from friends and family who learned that the company's name actually stood for "Detective Comics Comics."

More: The Top 9 DC Comics Movies Warner Bros. Should Be Making Right Now!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

We recorded and edited this top 9 10 last Wednesday night during Pre-Term Orientation (between the hours of 3-11pm), and I think the results are nothing less than stellar. Please note the Stern acting debut's of Trey, Yolanda, Julia, Xianglei, Matt, and myself as we dish the top 10 reasons to move to New York City! (Special thanks to YoYo the rat, everyone at the West 4th St. courts, and the bartender at the Slaughtered Lamb) And word up to Donny Goines for the ending credits track. (Go cop The Breakfast Club disc NOW!)

Next Week: Your regularly scheduled dose of the Top 9 as Nick presents The Top 9 Reasons Why DC Comics is Now DC Entertainment!

8. Lockheed and Figment moved to Massachusetts and got a civil union.

7. Wolverine has been seen spontaneously breaking into song during his berserker rages.

6. Disney's Beast officially dropped his lawsuit against Frank Quitely and Hank McCoy.

5. Storm is now one of the Disney Princesses.

4. Uncle Scrooge and Tony Stark have worked out a synchronized swimming routine in the Money Bin.

3. The Hulk and Kermit the Frog have been singing duets of "It's Not Easy Being Green."

2. In an effort to make himself more kid-friendly, Frank Castle has changed his codename to the Funisher.

1. Marvel has announced that Don Cheadle will be playing the role of Mouse Machine in Iron Man 2.

Next Week: Neal drops a special video versions of The Top 9 10 Reasons to Move to NYC. While I can't say I approve of this "Top 10" business, I do appreciate the week off.

More: The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. ...being the last person on the plane who somehow manages to have the biggest bag. Of course, said bag won't fit in the overhead compartment.

8. ...whining relentlessly while trying to futilely shove your oversized bag into the overhead compartment.

7. ...moving around everybody's stuff in a reckless manner because the physical logistics of your bag and the overhead compartment simply don't work.

6. ...mixing up everybody's luggage following your attempt to fit a large item into a small space and then trying to slam the overhead compartment hatch closed even when it's obvious it won't close.

5. ...cursing out the airplane because your fat ass bag couldn't fit into a small overhead space.

4. ...getting all flustered with this "goddamn stupid airplane with a fucking small overhead stupid compartment" and then acting huffy until a steward or stewardess comes over to help.

3. ...giving the steward or stewardess an attitude for not being able to fit your bag in the overhead compartment as well.

2. ...being a complete dick to every employee on the airplane even though your bag was never going to fit from the start and you should have just gate checked the damn thing.

1. ...delaying the entire takeoff process because you like to show up last for your flight while bringing an impossibly huge bag onto the airplane, despite the fact that it's obvious that your bag will never fit into the limited overhead space that's left.

More: The Top Nine Five Things That Piss Me Off When I’m Walking Down the Street!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Mummies Alive! To have fan fiction, I'm pretty certain that you need fans in the first place, so that pretty much rules out this entry. I somewhat enjoyed this bizarre "extreme zombies" cartoon back when it aired, but I'm not craving anymore of it.

7. Bosom Buddies. Tranny Tom Hanks is a tempting prospect, without a doubt, but not the sort of thing that I imagine generates much nostalgia. Though I look back fondly on this sitcom, I don't foresee fans creating new awkward reasons for him to quickly change out of men's clothing and into some female threads.

6. Contra. Greatest NES game ever? It's definitely up for debate. Greatest video game theme ever? Again, we're looking at a possible champion here. Video game with strong potential for fan fiction? Not even close. I mean, what more can you really do with this concept? Shirtless commandos are airdropped into South America to shoot rebels, robots, and aliens in the face. End of story.

5. Full House. This TGIF nightmare is waaaay too obnoxious to live on it the hearts and minds of former fans. Unfortunately, I'm sure there have been plenty of fan-imagined Full House scenarios since the show's demise (spanning the gamut of good taste, I'll bet). But it must stop here and now. Bob Saget is great, but not when he's fathering the Olsen twins.

4. Street Sharks. These mutated sea predators were "Jawesome!" But who really gives a shit? They take the cake as the most ridiculous of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle knockoffs. I think it's safe to say they only live on in the most obscure recesses of pop culture memory, and thus fail to populate the desires of fan fiction authors.

3. Count Chocula. I have to hand it to General Mills - they really know how to make a breakfast cereal memorable. But memorable doesn't equal incredible fan fiction potential, let alone good story potential. While a Frankenberry team up might be the ultimate dream of some fan fictioner out there, I'm going to assume that no one really wants to read about the further adventures of this cocoa-sucking vampire.

2. Jar Jar Binks. Star Wars: The Phantom Menance was notable for many things. Namely, it made a shitload of money off of the previous three Star Wars films despite the fact that it sucked beyond belief. The other crime committed by this film was introducing the world to Jar Jar Binks, a bumbling Sambo-esque caricature that cemented George Lucas' modern day reputation. Unless fans are writing about the timely demise of Jar Jar, I don't think anyone is interested in reading it.

1. Stripperella. While Reese's hit gold with the combination of two favorites, Spike TV hit shit with its teaming of Stan Lee and Pamela Anderson (who may have also been a "Lee" at that point). Pam obviously has a thing for superheroes, having previously tackled the role of Barb Wire (not to mention her other hero roles in VIP and Baywatch). But unfortunately, Stripperella was not her super-powered breakout. As for Stan the Man, I dunno what to say. Genius? Yes. Innovator? Yes. Occasionally misguided businessman? YES. And Stripperella serves as possibly his most misguided venure (save for the financially disastrous Stan Lee Media, of course). So do people want more Stripperella so bad that they'd write it themselves? I think the answer is an emphatic "NO."

More: The Top 9 Iconic Characters with an Extra and/or Extended Body Part

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Jim Rhodes wears the Iron Man armor. To me, this is a staple of the Iron Man legacy. When Stark just can't continue on, his best friend is there to carry on the fight. While I prefer Rhodey in the War Machine armor, there's something special about the way he puts on the red and golds to help his best bud when he's down.

7. Tony Stark gets an artificial nervous system. In the first Iron Man movie, repulsor technology was brilliantly re-imagined as a life-support system mixed with a massive energy source (in compact form, to boot). Another concept from the Iron Man comics that could use this touch is the artificial central nervous system Tony Stark implements in his own body following his faked death. It's especially fascinating to watch Tony code his own nervous system like he's writing software code.

6. The Hulkbuster armor. C'mon, you know you wanna see it too. This will probably have to wait for the Avengers movie, if that!

5. Tony Stark succumbs to alcoholism. Again, maybe this is best in a a sequel or another film. Like, if we see hints of it in Iron Man 2, even more hints in Avengers, and then Iron Man 3 showcases Tony's struggle - that might maximize the emotional impact. Still, I feel this plot should start in earnest with Iron Man 2.

4. The Blacklash costume. This costume is a classic supervillain faux pas, featuring a neon green ponytail in the cowl and hot pink / fuchsia in the body. It's so insane that I would love to see Iron Man 2 attempt it. BRING ON THE CHEESE! Alas, it appears that Whiplash will never progress into his insane Blacklash threads, however, because he's a hybrid of Whiplash AND Crimson Dynamo in Iron Man 2.

3. Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan hook up. Tony Stark is a man who can have just about any woman in the world... so what happens when the one woman he genuinely cares for decides she'd rather be with his driver / (non-armored) bodyguard? This is classic drama!

2. The Telepresence armor. Tony Stark is incapacitated, but that doesn't stop him from being Iron Man. Using technology that allows him to virtually pilot a suit of Iron Man armor, Tony remotely controls his infamous red and golds. There is still a risk, of course, because neural feedback from damage to the unmanned Neuromimetic Telepresence Unit can still manifest physically on Tony's end...

1. The War Machine armor. Luckily, I already know that my top choice is going to be in Iron Man 2. However, I am dismayed that the Comic-Con Int'l footage featured Rhodey getting his gear from Justin Hammer. Hopefully this is well weaved into the plot, because I think it's essential that Rhodey dons the suit to fight for right!!!

More: The Top 9 Moments in X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

More: The Top 9 Captains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

More: The Top 9 Video Games That Should Never Be Made Into Movies

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

First and foremost, fans wait with baited beath to find out WHO will be writing and drawing WHAT over the course of the next year. The following nine comic books are the last things you will hear announced at this year's SDCC.

9. Just Imagine Rob Liefeld's DC Universe. They let Stan Lee do it, but what if DC Comics decided to get extra awesome and let the infamous Mr. Liefeld "create" all their characters? Not gonna happen. But honestly, if it did, I would buy it. I like Rob's stuff. All I'm saying is that DC is waaay too conservative with their characters to let this happen. Marvel sort of did it with Heroes Reborn, but that was a big chunk of Image Comics creators and not just the Robster. Most of all, I would love to see his extreme costume design for Wonder Woman.

8. What If... Joe Quesada Didn't Breakup Spider-Man's Marriage? In the ultimate tongue-in-cheek comics move of the century, Joey Q repents his editorial edict by writing and drawing this semi-autobiographical tale of an alternate reality where he didn't let Mary Jane make a deal with the devil to breakup her marriage to the Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man. Don't misunderstand me - this story would actually be about Joe Q and the Bullpen, not Spider-Man. We open with Joe as he's about to send down the order to breakup Pete and Mary Jane. But at the last minute, Marvel's Editor-in-Chief has second thoughts and pulls the plug on the Mephisto Mistake before it can happen.

7. Alpha Flight: Abominable Fury. Who's the baddest beast of them all? The Canadian wilderness turns into a wrestling ring as Sasquatch, Wendigo, the real Bigfoot, the (supposedly) original Yeti, and the long-lost Abominable Snowman throwdown. Featuring guest appearances by Beast, Dark Beast, and Wolverine, this is the comic book for big furry action lovers everywhere. Written and drawn by Richard Corben, this will hit shelves by Halloween 2010.

6. Aquaman: Birthright. Orange scaled shirts and shiny green pants with leg fins were never cooler!!! Matt Fraction jumps ship and makes a splash at DC Comics with his epic reinvention of Arthur Curry's origin. After kicking back a few beers with Somali pirates in international waters, Aquaman decides to go on a quest to rediscover his roots and claim his title as the king of the seas. Awesomeness ensues.

5. The Clobama Saga. That's pronounced "KLO-BAH-MAH," in case you were wondering. The concept? Barack Obama is actually a clone of Peter Parker, and his mysterious creator has just reactivated his biological programming - to destroy Spider-Man and take his place!!! The motivation? To put Obama in yet another shameless comic created just to move units. The result? A completely incoherent narrative event that spans six months of Amazing Spider-Man issues and fourteen different spin-off miniseries.

4. Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles. In honor of the 25th anniversary of Eastman and Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mirage Studios has decided to take the TMNT into the future. In an epic story event akin to The Dark Knight Returns, the Ninja Turtles are forced to redefine their role in New York City as they enter their mid 30s. This radical departure spins directly into Mid-Life Crisis Mutant Ninja Turtles, a story tentatively planned for 2034.

3. Captain America: Redead. Spinning out of the shocking events of Captain America: Reborn, Steve Rogers has returned from the dead... only to die again! First he was frozen in ice, then he was unstuck in time, and now he's lost in the land of the dead. Captain America fought the good fight, but this time it's really it - dead means dead. And in this case, dead also means a new overpriced miniseries! Written by Robert Kirkman and drawn by Arthur Suydam, this moving tale details the exploits of Steve Rogers as he brings his unique brand of justice to the afterlife.

2. Hellboy vs. KISS. The Nazi-spawned demon versus the Knights In Satan's Service!!! Artist Mike Mignola teams up with writer Gene Simmons to chronicle the intense misadventure that begins when Hellboy is sent to investigate an occult occurrence at a KISS concert. The rockers get angry when Hellboy steps onstage by mistake and steals the show. Then all fo them fight... and then they team up to take down a reborn ghoul who threatens the very fabric of time and space!

1. Spider-Man Forever. In an unprecedented move, Steve Ditko drops his indifference to Peter Parker and re-embraces the famous web-slinging superhero that he co-created. Just like Chris Claremont on X-Men Forever, Steve picks his story up immediately following the events of his last Spidey issue, Amazing Spider-Man #38. Where the story goes from there, who fucking knows? This book is never gonna happen so I see no point in rampant speculation.

More: The Top 9 Guesses at What the Fuck Is Going on with Captain America

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

I'm going to be there on Saturday from 12 PM to 6 PM at the table labeled AudioShocker (and/or Nick Marino). I won't be there on Sunday but my awesome table-mate, Shawn Atkins of Workshop13.net (comic creator of Gello Apocalypse and Explorers of the Unknown), will be there holding it down and still selling my merch.

But if all that's not enough for you, here are the Top 9 reasons you should get your ass over to the Regina Gouger Miller Gallery on the Carnegie Mellon University campus this weekend for the FREE SPF Expo:

9. It may be called the Small Press Festival, but everyone knows that size doesn't matter. Unless you're talking about penises. Then size definitely matters.

8. I'll be there with my laptop and my brand new copy of Street Fighter IV, so come kick my ass in public and humiliate me before I get really good at it.

7. Be one of the first eight lucky humans on Earth to go home with a copy of Patio 1.5, the remastered and (sort of) remixed version of the classic Unlicensed Attorneys at Law track, Patio. This song is unreleased and awesome, so come snag a copy of it on the Original Recipe CD.

6. Buy a copy of Apartment 307 and revel in the ensuing insanity.

5. Get Zombie Palin! in ashcan form. Sarah is all the rage right now since she quit being an officially recognized politician to go on a fishing trip and wear goofy fishing overalls, so don't miss this printed representation of our lovable webcomic.

4. Get your copy of The Fur Bucket EP, a Frank Sanchez / Dirty Weekend split EP packed with 9 tracks of excellence. This is the first time these songs have been out as anything other than streaming files, with the exception of the few tracks that ran as Beatcasts here on the AudioShocker.

3. Catch a sneak peak of my upcoming comic book release, Time Log! It's written by Culturology's Pete and I, penciled by Shawn, and inked by yours truly. If you get out to SPF, then you'll see me inking it at the expo when there's some downtime.

2. Pick up a copy of Cracked: Rejected, an SPF-exclusive 20 page zine by myself and Pete that details our failed pitches to Cracked Magazine (now Cracked.com). If you don't pick this up, you're going to be really confused when you listen to next week's AudioShocker Podcast #89.

1. Yeah, it's the Pittsburgh Small Press Festival, but everyone knows that big things come in small packages... unless you're talking about penises, of course. Then small things are REALLY small and big things are REALLY big. But this is a Small Press Festival - not a penis - so it's gonna be all good.

More: The Top 9 Ways the Economic Recession Has Affected the AudioShocker

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

For people who don't read comics, remember that these nine qualities may not apply to every comic book reader out there. However, you may find that these traits have a greater presence in comic book fans when compared to other people you know.

And comic book fans, if you have someone in your life that gives you a hard time about reading comics, show them this list and see if they understand you better after reading it!

9. Comic book fans are passionate. While many people would probably opt to use the term "fanatic," I think the word "passionate" is far more accurate. For example, a comics fan gets upset when a movie does a character's origin wrong. Why? Not because they're deluded and obsessed - it's because a vast majority comic book fans have affection for the source material and they want everybody to understand why the original comics are so great.

8. Comic book fans are detail-oriented people. Again, this is where detractors would use a different word or phrase. The clearest way to represent the stereotype of detail-oriented comics fans would be to call them "obsessed with irrelevancy." But that's just wrong. To a comic book fan, details aren't irrelevant - they're important aspects that add to the story. To remove details is to remove the richness of characters and settings.

7. Comic book fans are emotionally sensitive. By "emotionally sensitive," I don't mean that comics fans are crybabies. What I mean is that comic books fans tend to have a greater degree of understanding when it comes to a range of emotions, particularly sadness and anger. Because the act of reading a comic book is often very introspective, emotional story events resonate strongly and generate extensive thought in comic fans.

6. Comic book fans are generous. While I'm sure there are some misers out there, I'll bet you there are way more generous fans than stingy fans. You just have to ask them about the right stuff: namely, comic books. Comic book fans will devote their time, words, resources, and (the greatest gift of all) their comics to help you understand why they love the stories that they love so much. If you get cornered by a comic book fan who can't stop talking about a particular body of work, it's not because they're weird or stupid - it's because they want to share something with you that's given them something special.

5. Comic book fans have a strong sense of justice. Specifically, superhero fans. Superhero comics are often psycho-dramas that play out situations through a variety of moral filters. By exploring these situations from a multiplicity of angles, comic book fans actively hone their notions of justice and fairness.

4. Comic book fans crave inspiration. Whether it's visual inspiration, artistic inspiration, emotional inspiration, or spiritual inspiration, comic book fans seek out stories of perseverance and triumph to inspire themselves. This is a quality that's particularly strong in those who follow superhero comics, because superhero protagonists often seek to improve the world around them by helping others.

3. Comic book fans have tons of imagination. Obviously, after spending your days reading stories about the improbable, you develop a finely-tuned imagination. And don't confuse imagination with detachment or delusion - imagination means the ability to envision multiple possibilities across many different situations. That can come in handy in unexpected ways - at work, in the service of others, or even in an emergency.

2. Comic book fans have a great respect for storytelling. At the core of the comic reading experience is the story. Because comics are basically separate pieces of visual art intended to be experienced over time, story is integral to the act of comic book reading. Fans develop a passion for well-told stories and for those who tell quality stories. Comic fans reward the creators who tell the most engaging tales with awards, accolades, loyalty, and adoration.

1. Comic book fans are art lovers. This is possibly the most overlooked quality of comic book fans. On the whole, they love illustration and visual art. After all, they do spend endless hours viewing diverse art styles spread across thousands of pages. Comic book fans love art so much that they devote their time and resources to pursuing it in single issues, graphic novels, t-shirts, posters, and with action figures and statues (both forms of sculpture, mind you). A love for art fuels the medium of comics and, in turn, fuels the minds and hearts of those who read comic books.

More: The Top 9 Reasons I Still Haven't Seen the New Star Trek Movie

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

I may not know much about plastic surgery, but I can't imagine it's something you go into casually without an endgame in mind. Mikey must of had some sort image of what he wanted to look like after all that surgery was done.

Unfortunately, we may never know exactly what MJ's goal was with all those disturbing facial modifications, but here are my best nine guesses.

9. Superman. Okay, so MJ missed the mark if he was going for a Clark Kent vibe. But you have to admit that the chin implant is very superhero-esque. And when I think of superheroes with a strong chin line, first and foremost I think of Supes. Still, like I said, Michael Jackson wasn't THAT reminiscent of the Man of Steel. If he was going for a DC Comics hero, he was probably aiming more towards...

8. Wonder Woman. This super Amazon is far more in line with MJ's final appearance than the guardian of Metropolis. Jacko was obviously going for a feminine look, so maybe he took some cues from Diana of Themyscira (though, upon further scrutiny, MJ looked more like an old school Jack Kirby drawing than any DC superheroine). At the end of the day, whether aiming for Wonder Woman or not, Michael Jackson ended up looking like a...

7. Nightmare. Literally. We all know that Michael Jackson preferred Marvel Comics. And who better to take inspiration from than one of the greats: Steve Ditko. When my friend said MJ looked like a nightmare, I automatically added a capital N on the front. BTW, do me a favor and remember this entry for later on in the list, okay? Anyway, back to the current section of the countdown. MJ, after all was said and done, was far too put together to be going for a Nightmare look. In fact, I would say his desires were more along the lines of...

6. Betty Page. Seriously. With those lips and that silky black hair, MJ was totally going for a high-contrast pinup lady look. Ms. Page was, of course, the most notorious of the black and white pinups. Who better to emulate, right? Well, if Mikey was trying to look like Betty Page, unfortunately he ended up more like...

5. Elizabeth Taylor. Anyone else out there ever find it ironic that Michael Jackson was not only close friends with Elizabeth Taylor but also slowly turning into her? For what it's worth, I thought about this even as a kid. And while this classic Hollywood starlet certainly inspired millions, I think it's safe to say that Micheal's eventual appearance seemed to be inspired a bit more by...

4. Cher. And I'm not talking 1970s Cher. I'm talking modern Cher, like Cher from the Believe video. Even if MJ was trying to look like Cher, he was aiming for the next octave up with his voice. Take that, Cher! When it came to looking like women, you two were tied. But when it came to sounding like women, well, Mikey had you beat there. But don't fret Cher - at the end of the day, Mike wasn't your doppelganger. He always reminded me more of...

3. Elvira. You know, the original sexy goth chick. We'll never know if MJ really wanted to look like Elvira, but visual evidence certainly points in this direction. Hell, maybe he was just jealous and wanted to get the Tom Jones treatment too. But while Elvira always rocked a feathered fashion mullet, Michael appeared to prefer flowing black locks a bit closer to those of...

2. Snow White. The pale skin. The jet black hair. The big red lips. That whole song about talking to a mirror. His love for poisoned apples. Okay, that last one I made up. But the first three all are bonafide facts! Snow White is a pretty huge icon, just like Mike. Maybe he was trying to take the whole iconic thing to the next level. If that's what his aim was, he was a bit off. Instead of capturing the pale countenance of Snow White, Michael Jackson ended up with the same complexion as...

1. Morbius, the Living Vampire. Not only did MJ have the complexion, he also had the miniature nose and the same exaggerated facial shape as Marvel's resident anti-hero vampire. Remember when I told you to remember #7? Here's the payoff: when I told my friend about the Nightmare reference, he agreed but felt that MJ resembled Morbius to a greater degree. And he's right. The whole Michael Jackson look was very "Living Vampire." And here's some visual evidence:

More: The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Bob Bogle. I'm sure most of you aren't familiar with him, but Bob Bogle has been one of my guitar heroes for as long as I can remember. He was a founder of The Ventures, the world's greatest instrumental rock band.

7. Natasha Richardson. Speaking of not being familiar, I don't think I've seen any of Natasha's films. Unfortunately, thanks to the way news media works in this country, I'm very familiar with her death.

6. Mike Tyson's daughter. Exodus Tyson was strangled by a loose cord hanging down from a treadmill. Very sad.

5. Autotune. Killed by Jay-Z. Autotune's death has been hitting the pop music world pretty hard, especially T-Pain.

4. Ed McMahon. Johnny Carson's Tonight Show sideman. Star Search host. Publishers Clearing House home sabotage ringleader and over-sized check presenter. Damn, Ed did a lot of stuff.

3. Farah Fawcett. Charlie's most famous Angel died after a very public fight with cancer.

2. David Carradine. Kill Bill died an awful, kinky death. It's true that Carradine was into some weird shit, but it looks like he was able to keep most of it under the radar until his untimely passing in a Bangkok hotel room. At first it looked like suicide and/or solo sex play gone wrong, but now it seems like foul play.

1. Michael Jackson. Mikey was the man. A weird man, yes... but THE MAN nonetheless. It'll be interesting to see what the public deems his legacy to be over the course of the next couple decades.

[Thanks to Neal for inspiring this week's theme and helping put together the list.]

More: The Top 9 Currently Dead Superheroes and Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

We can all agree that there are plenty of video games that would make awesome movies. But I think it's safe to say that some video games should never EVER let the lens tell their tale, including:

9. Dr. Mario. At first, I was going to give this slot to Circus Charlie, one of the few scrolling games that would have appeared on this list. But then I remembered my Dr. Mario addiction that I suffered from earlier in this decade - I was so hooked on playing this game that I had to literally go cold turkey. I haven't played a single second of Dr. Mario since that time. The addictive properties of this game may compel some hapless producer out there to try and develop a movie, but I guarantee you that it would be pure crap, through and through.

8. Anticipation. This has got to be the least popular game on this list, which means that many of you have probably never played it. Good for you. This game was the torture of my NES-playing childhood. It's like a game show or board game adapted to the Nintendo Entertainment System... and it blows. While most of the other games on this list are at least fun to play, this one is painful. Basically, the movie potential for Anticipation is non-existent and the game play is awful.

7. Arkanoid. I must confess that, on some my more bizarre days, I've attempted to conjure up a coherent narrative around Arkanoid's premise: controlling the last vestige of the mothership Arkanoid, you are the spaceship know as Vaus, which hits a silver sphere around until things break apart (namely, your enemy named Doh). While I love the insane premise that Arkanoid is more than a glorified Pong paddle slapping a little ball back and forth, I would never allow my love of Arkanoid delude me into thinking that it would make for a great film. I suggest that Hollywood movie producers follow my lead and let this concept stay relegated to video games.

6. Marble Madness. I know that this was generally accepted as a good game back in the day, but I always hated it as a kid. And now it's one of the few classic popular video games that I haven't played as an adult. While I'm sure that (at some point in the late 1980s) it crossed the minds of a few film producers, Marble Madness has never been developed into a feature film. I think that was for the best, don't you?

5. Bejeweled. Like Solitaire, Bejeweled is a PC gaming phenomena. At one point in my life, I even thought that it was a fun game. I may have been wrong about the quality of its game play, but I know that I'm right about Bejeweled's blockbuster film potential - it doesn't exist... at all.

4. Duck Hunt. It's classic, I'll give it that. And maybe this Nintendo game, that came famously bundled with Super Mario Bros., would be perfect for a digital short ala Saturday Night Live. I'll give it that as well. But anything beyond that would completely suck.

3. Solitaire. Arguably the most popular video game in the world (because it comes pre-installed on nearly every single version of the Windows operating system), Solitaire is nothing more than a PC representation of the classic (and boring) card game of the same name. If somebody told me that Solitaire had been optioned and Zak Penn was attached to write the script, I wouldn't be surprised. With that said, I'm a dude with an open mind... but this game would make for a totally shit movie.

2. Pong. It's the original. But just because Pong launched a gaming revolution, that doesn't mean it should attempt to launch a film revolution as well. The game consists of two paddles, either player or computer controlled, slapping a ball back and forth. It's simple. And it's great just the way it is. No movie adaptations, please.

1. Tetris. I'm sure that someone out there has attempted to make Tetris into a narrative film. I bet there are even spec scripts laying around somewhere in a Hollywood studio basement. And, not to be too harsh, but that's exactly where those Tetris: The Movie scripts belong: buried somewhere deep below the Earth, never to emerge and influence a weak-minded film producer into following their lead.

More: The Top 9 Playable Marvel Characters in Capcom Fighting Games

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Okay, not exactly like it was yesterday, but I still remember when those first few issues of X-Men came out. It was sweet.

I also remember finding hundreds of them strewn throughout backissue bins for the ensuing 18 or so years. Did Marvel Comics just overprint the issues or did people really wanted to forget X-Men #1-3 that bad?

Honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. Wednesday brought us X-Men Forever #1, a sort of revisionist X-Men #4 if you will. And here are the Top 9 things that Chris Claremont didn't write into X-Men Forever #1 (but he probably should have!):

9. Professor X renounces his mission of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants to pursue a career as a tranny stripper. Really, what's more popular these days than strippers? If you ask T-Pain, the answer would be: "Nothing!" To top it off, Charlie could also be a closet transvestite. So would all this make him the first tranny stripper in a floating wheelchair? The world may never know. Way to drop the ball on this one, Claremont.

8. Kitty Pryde confesses that she's in a sexual relationship with Lockheed. There's nothing very shocking about being gay nowadays. Stories have been there, done that. So the only truly shocking sexual plot twist left is the admission of inter-species and/or bestiality love. Luckily, Kitty would admit both of those when she owns up to getting it on with her pet dragon from outer space.

7. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus a face lift. While this isn't truly shocking, it does make for a fascinating use of Magnetio's metal-bending abilities. It would go down like this: Piotr turns to metal, Mags gives him a little surgical tweak to tighten up the cheeks and blend away those pesky laugh lines, and then it's like Colossus is 10 years younger. Ahh, if only we could all be made out of metal... isn't that right, Ashlee Simpson?

6. Cassandra Nova moves into the X-Mansion disguised as a sexy nurse. Chris Claremont, deciding to combine two character concepts into one, tells his version of the Cassandra Nova story. But his Cassie Nova is mashed up with Nurse Annie from Chuck Austen's run on X-Men. Sexy Nurse Cassie begins a tumultuous relationship with Beast and decides that the new Sentinel invasion should feature furry mutant-killing robots in honor of her soon-to-be-deceased lover.

5. Professor X opens Xavier's School for the Un-Gifted. Growing dissatisfied with his preoccupation with the elitist concept of "gifted," Chuck decides to expand his mind and open his mansion doors to any and all interested students. Sooner than later, Xavier's school becomes just like any other poorly managed public high school. Within three months, Polaris has to check every student on their way in to see if they're carrying any guns or knives. (Hahahaha... it would be like Dangerous Minds starring Prof X! Get it? "Dangerous Minds"!!!)

4. Wolverine gets a Brazilian waxing. Yeah, he knows that the hair would only be gone for one night. But Logan has a secret date with Jean Grey and he's got to make sure that he's smooth like butter.

3. Sabretooth gets a Brazilian AND a manicure. Chasing after his mortal enemy, Victor Creed winds up inside the same beauty spa as Wolvie. Upon entering, he decides that his impending reunion date with Mystique would go a whole lot better if he was smoothed down and trimmed up. Imagine a great double page spread of Victor and Logan getting massages as they lay next to each other, giggling uncontrollably. That would be groundbreaking stuff right there.

2. Magneto uses his powers to give Colossus that extra length he's been seeking. Inundated by spam emails telling him that his dong needs to be longer if he wants to get in with the ladies, Piotr asks his Asteroid M director to stretch his member out a little bit. Excited with the promising results, Colossus quickly returns to Earth to share the goods with Kitty, only to find that his "Katya" is doing the nasty with a small purple alien dragon.

1. Jean Grey gets caught cheating on Cyclops thanks to Joey Greco and Cheaters. It's a dark night at the Salem Center harbor. Scott Summers meets up outside with Joey Greco after receiving a phone call that private investigators have finally gotten the evidence they need to prove that Jean Grey is in fact cheating on him with another mutant. Scott watches the small hand-held video player and cringes. He knows who Jean is cheating on him with - that goddamn Logan. Scott and the camera crew of Cheaters quickly head to Professor Xavier's yacht, currently docked at Pier 4. Scott charges onto the boat and confronts the scandalous lovers on their secret date. After getting up in Wolvie's face, Logan's adamantium-laced fist connects with Scott's jaw and sends Cyclops to the ground. Joey Greco picks up where Scott left off, confronting Wolvie about his infidelity with Jean. Pissed, Wolverine does what he does best and stabs Joey Greco in the gut. Two weeks later, Cyclops watches the episode on TV and promptly creates a profile on NoCheatersDate.com.

More: The Top 9 Greatest X-Men Pencilers of All Time

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

A few things to know: Captain America is dead. Well, erm, actually, Steve Rogers is dead. He got shot a few years ago. He's almost always been Cap, but now his former WWII protege is wearing the red, white, and blues. Also, the "solicitation" copy (a.k.a. the description) of Reborn #1 will be revealed on June 16th, the day after Cap #600 hits. And there's a Captain America movie slated for the summer of 2011. So it's all interconnected and there's some secretive shit going down.

So what the fuck is really going on with Captain America? Here are my most educated and asinine guesses:

9. Captain America was raped by Doctor Light. To start some sort of 21st century Marvel Comics / DC Comics crossover, the companies have decided to show us that sexual abuse isn't just for the ladies anymore. One day, Doctor Light snuck into the Avengers Mansion and took Steve Rogers from behind when he wasn't looking. Hilarity ensues.

8. Captain America raped Doctor Light. Seems a little more shocking than the alternative, doesn't it?

7. Steve Rogers never died, he was just a Skrull the whole damn time. Since Steve's corpse received a secret burial at sea by Iron Man, Hank Pym, Namor, and the Wasp, not too many folks actually saw the body of Captain America for the last time. Wasp kicked the bucket in Secret Invasion, Tony Stark is currently erasing his entire brain while on the run from the US government, and Namor is busy ogling Emma Frost's boobies all day long. Conveniently, Hank Pym was actually a Skrull at that time (and thus will be referred to as Skank Pym from here on out). After the four of them dumped Steve's "corpse" into the Arctic Ocean, Skank Pym went down there and picked up the Steve Rogers impersonator (who was just feigning death). As Reborn #1 opens, Skank Pym and fake Steve are headed back to their Skrull spaceship where the crew is currently in the process of anally probing the real Steve Rogers just for kicks.

6. Sharon Carter is going to give birth to an elderly Steve Rogers who will de-age to be Captain America again. The title of the upcoming miniseries is reborn... so what if that title was literal? Inspired by the success of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Marvel Comics has decided to literally have Steve Rogers reemerge from the womb. How? Time travel, of course! Sharon Carter, Cap's secret agent girlfriend, thinks that she was impregnated by Steve Rogers shortly before he died. She's wrong. She was actually impregnated by an android from the future. First, the android traveled back in time to secure a sample of semen from Steve Rogers' father. Then it headed back to the future where the semen was genetically engineered to include a preexisting dosage of the Super Solider Serum. Then the android traveled to the exact point in time where Steve and Sharon were getting ready to have hot and heavy sex. The android drugged Steve and took his place. After doing the deed, the android returned home to the future. Back in our present, despite being "de-pregnated" by the Red Skull, Sharon Carter gives birth to an elderly Steve Rogers. She cares for him until Cap can get the shield swinging again. And then, in a shocking twist.. they become lovers! That's right - Sharon starts getting it on with the superhero who emerged from her own vagina as a 90-year-old man. Now that's entertainment.

5. Captain America was raped by Sharon Carter. Though not nearly as shocking as other scenarios, it provides an interesting backdrop for an exploration of female-on-male sexual abuse. The collected edition of this story will be in bookstores just in time for the Captain America movie.

4. The new Captain America is Batman. Over at DC Comics, everyone thinks Batman is dead. Actually, Bruce Wayne is just lost in reality. Reborn opens as the Caped Crusader is shifting across multiple different alternate realities, trying to find his way home. Bats ends up in the Marvel Universe, where he decides to have some fun and suit up as the Star Spangled Avenger. Image the merchandising and cross-promotion possibilities for Marvel and DC. We're talking big bucks, baby! Big bucks!!!

3. Steve Rogers was actually Barack Obama the whole time. Nothing sells comic books nowadays like a guest appearance by Barack Obama. Not to be outdone by the competition, Marvel Comics has decided to secretly make our 44th American president the Sentinel of Liberty. The reason Cap was "shot" in the first place? So Obama could have more time to run for president. Now that he's president, Obama wants to get back to kicking ass... Captain America style! Also, this would coordinate well with the rumor that Marvel Studios wants to cast Will Smith as Captain America. This way, Smith gets to play both Barack Obama AND Captain America in the same time movie.

2. Captain America raped Barack Obama. Seems eve more shocking than the other alternatives, doesn't it?

1. Captain America was actually Hitler the entire time. At some point during WWII, Hitler managed to kill Steve Rogers. But instead of bragging about it, Hitler decided to put on Cap's costume and impersonate him (sans creepy moustache, of course). Fast forward a year or so, and Adolf is tired of fighting the war. He fakes BOTH of his own deaths and goes underground. Years later, after extensive genetic modification, he reemerges as the "unfrozen" Captain America and joins the Avengers. He proceeds to pretend to be Steve Rogers for far longer than anyone could ever imagine. Sick of the endless charade, Adolf fakes his own death AGAIN and goes underground to plot his rebirth. In Reborn, Hitler reveals his master plan and shocks everyone by proving that he was Captain America the whole time. Then he rapes Barack Obama. The end.

More: The Top 9 Currently Dead Superheroes and Supervillains

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. An atrocious noise began to filter down as my neighbor then decided to vacuum directly above my bed (and, in turn, my head) for a good 30 minutes. Laying awake and angry about the noise, my thoughts wandered as...

7. I started thinking about how bad I want to read my Iron Man "Armor Wars II" backissues. But I promised myself I'd finish reading A Scanner Darkly before I started reading any new comic books because...

6. I've been desperate to finish reading A Scanner Darkly for Pete's Culturology book club. I vowed to complete it in time for this Monday, despite the fact that I've reached the end of a grand total of two prose novels in the past four years. Thus, with the loud sucking noise still persisting...

5. I finished reading A Scanner Darkly and it sucked. And that makes me cranky. You wouldn't like me when I'm cranky. Disappointed with the novel and still unable to sleep...

4. I found myself busy responding to the AudioShocker Grammar Police on a throw-away post I wrote about zombies. Pleased that Neal stuck up for me, I then decided to peruse some other blog comments when...

3. I became perplexed while trying to figure out why Neal saw Sanchez, of "Dirty Sanchez" fame, as a "sweaty day laborer." I mean, why couldn't Sanchez be a wealthy Mexico City businessman or a student at a prestigious university who just happened to like both blow jobs AND anal sex? Recognizing a trend...

2. I became concerned that a lot of people I know like to make comments that perpetuate negative Hispanic stereotypes. And after all this, I see that it's now 4 AM and I'm still awake because...

1. I'm busy writing this goddamn list.

More: The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part One (Remember how I used to split The Top 9 up into two parts? How obnoxious!)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Ross Campbell wants us to pay him to do podcast interviews from now on. (C'mon, Ross... the damn things are already shameless fucking self-promotion!)

8. To save money on multimedia expenses, we almost changed our catchphrase to "Music. Movie. Comic. A little bit of media here and there is sort of our thing."

7. To save even more money, we almost changed our catchphrase to "iMeem. Hulu. Zuda. Free media is DEFINITELY our thing."

6. Gotham Chopra stopped hanging around the blog because his comic books all turned to liquid. (Get it!?! Virgin Comics = Liquid Comics! They used to be in print and now they're just online! ... Okay, fine, you win - the joke sucked.)

5. Justique has a whole lot less extra cash to spend on pornography. (She's down to about $200 per day.)

4. Nick has even less extra cash to spend on hookers. (He's down to about $2 per week... but DAMN that prosthetic handjob is worth every penny!)

3. Kirsten stopped commenting on Pete's blog posts because she was too busy earning some extra money on the side working as a high-paid lesbian escort (see this incriminating photo for evidence).

2. Neal couldn't hire the Elan Luz Rivera lookalike stripper he wanted for his birthday. (Instead, he had to settle for the Susan Sarandon lookalike GMILF from next door.)

1. We know you love the AudioShocker just the way it is, but be on the look out for our new blog name... COMING SOON: "Tampax Tampons presents the AudioShocker podcast & blog"!!! (Our new catchphrase: "We're stuffing some music, movies, and comics all up in that shit!")

More: The Top 9 Social Networks! (And how to choose the right one for you.)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Just because I'm a stubborn bastard, here are the Top 9 reasons I'm still refusing to go see the Star Trek motion picture at my local cineplex.

9. The line "What do you suggest we do, Spock? Spank it!?!" appears nowhere within this film's dialogue.

8. Where's Sulu Prime? I was hoping for some hot John-Cho-on-George-Takei action.

7. I was busying watching the entirety of Star Trek: The Original Series for FREE on YouTube.

6. Patrick Stewart is in the new Wolverine movie, not the new Star Trek movie. (Granted, he's only a CG face... but he's still in there!)

5. The trailers contain no scenes whatsoever involving a Star Fleet vessel and a whale.

4. I was busy watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine for the third time.

3. According to all the trailers and previews I've seen, Uhura exists only to act as a sexy love interest. I mean, seriously, they just keep showing that same shot of her taking her shirt off. Zoe Saldana should be pissed.

2. Zachary Quinto looks like an elf, not a Vulcan.

1. There's no William Shatner cameo.

More: The Top 9 Ways to Piss Me Off in the Movie Theater! (The #1 entry on that list happened to me for my entire third viewing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine... that guy now has a special place in hell waiting for him.)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. For some odd reason, a Hugh Jackman lookalike was cast in the role of Wolvie's father. This would be all well and good if it weren't for the fact that the guy playing Wolverine's father actually turns out NOT to be Wolverine's father. Did the casting director even read the script?

8. Nobody at a thuggish New Orleans dive bar seems to notice the ridiculously extravagant poker player wearing a top hat and shuffling cards with his arms stretched wide like a bad stage magician. Never mind the fact that he goes by the name Remy.

7. When Logan spies a decapitated bear head casually laying around his lumberjack work site, he logically jumps to the conclusion that Sabretooth must be nearby (because, ya know, severed bear heads follow Victor Creed like the scent of cheap perfume on an ugly hooker).

6. An elderly couple spies Logan as he goes streaking across their secluded Canadian farm (unbeknownst to them, naked Wolvie just escaped from the Weapon X project).

5. To portray mutant teleporter John Wraith, apparently will.i.am raided Burt Reynolds' closet circa 1978.

4. Remember that elderly couple? Yeah, Agent Zero picks them off through a small, dirty barn window. They drop dead and Wolvie gets mad. Then Stryker and Zero blow up the barn. Exploding barns = AWESOME.

3. Naked Wolverine jumps into a waterfall to escape the Weapon X project. I know it should have been an exciting moment, but all I could think was, "Oh shit. That's gonna be really fucking cold. SHRINKAGE!"

2. Wolverine goes one-on-one in the boxing ring with a severely overweight Fred Dukes to get some answers about Stryker's plans. Fred's enormous, jiggly man-boobs are going to give me nightmares tonight. I guarantee it.

1. Logan learns he's been double-crossed in the worst way when Silver Fox is revealed to be alive and well, employed by Stryker at his "secret" military base... which begs the question: did she fake every orgasm?

More: The Top 9 Most Intimidating Supervillains! (Featuring no less than two (2!) of the characters from X-Men Origins: Wolverine.)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Therefore, in place of that comparably mundane countdown, I present to you a collection of well-known characters - both fictional and otherwise - who have that extra special something that makes them all the more memorable.

9. Mr. Fantastic. Probably the least known entity on this list, Mr. Fantastic makes up for his lack of popularity among the masses by being, by and large, the most extendable member of this countdown. I mean, the guy can stretch EVERYTHING. And by "EVERYTHING" I mean he can also stretch his dick. And when I think of extended dicks, my thoughts naturally lead to...

8. Kim Kardashian. Ya know, maybe Kim isn't quite "this list" material... but she is pretty damn popular right now, to the point where nine out of ten people could easily tell you that she's primarily known for having a huge ass. Speaking of being known for having a huge body part, let's talk about...

7. The Coneheads. Their enlarged and elongated craniums are far more iconic than you would expect. Amazingly, this ancient Saturday Night Live sketch managed to return in the mid-90s as a corny spinoff film. Their longevity might be even better than...

6. ZZ Top. The super stretched beards of ZZ Top are both "extra" and "extended," making them natural choices for this list. That's a double whammy right there, folks. They might even have the most famous extended body parts in rock, if not for Tommy Lee and...

5. Gene Simmons. While the awesomeness of KISS as a whole is somewhat up for debate, it's pretty safe to say that the length of Gene Simmons' tongue is universally accepted as "really fucking long." And although this makes for a rather weak transition into our next candidate, Gene is a HUGE fan of Marvel Comics, publisher of...

4. Wolverine. Of course, you knew he was going to be on this list from the start. Wolvie's extendable claws make him extremely iconic on the page and on the big screen. Plus, they make it cool to run around the house with a bunch of kitchen knives between your knuckles. Speaking of kitchens, that reminds me of...

3. Marge Simpson. Marge's giant blue beehive hairdo is the shit. Just admit it. It turns you on. You want to caress it and feel it wrap around you with its warm embrace... I know you do. Don't lie to me or else you'll end up like...

2. Pinocchio. This little guy might just have world's most famous nose. I mean, who's his big competition? Off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone else who can claim their fame solely for their proboscis. Still, this devious wooden puppet can't hold a candle to...

1. The Three-Boobied Lady from Total Recall. C'mon! How can you NOT love this chick? I can sum up her elite iconic status in one short phrase that says all you need to know: she's a Martian hooker with three boobs!!!

More: The Top 9 Biggest Superhero Movie Mistakes of the Past Ten Years.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Jessica Alba's blue eyes in 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I actually love this film, to the chagrin of many superhero movie enthusiasts on the Internet. But one thing nearly ruined the movie for me - Jessica Alba's fake blue eyes. Aside from the fact that the first Fantastic Four film featured Alba's far more subtle peepers, her new contacts were an unreal shade of disturbing (and distracting) blue. Still, they could never be as distracting as...

8. Christian Bale's husky voice in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. I don't care for the new Batman movies, but I do recognize how much they satisfy their audience. Still, there's one negative thing that most fans agree on: Bale's Batman voice is ridiculous. His husky, throaty whisper is enough to make me crack up during even the most serious and thrilling scenes. But even though Bale's Batman needs a little vocal work, he's still light years ahead of...

7. Ben Affleck starring as Matt Murdock in Daredevil. There was just something supremely wrong with Matt Damon's boy toy taking the lead role in Daredevil. He was stiff, he didn't look the part, and his bad acting destroyed any chance of a redeeming sequel. Instead, it gave us an ever crappier spinoff movie because apparently...

6. Someone thought it was a good idea to make an Elektra solo film. Elektra Natchios was played by Jennifer Garner in a skimpy Spandex outfit. I assume that's the only reason why this horrid Daredevil spinoff got the green light, because the rest of the movie is shit. Still, a solo Elektra movie could never be as bad as...

5. A Catwoman film removed from everything Batman. Warner Bros. decided to make Catwoman a legacy character and remove her feline ferocity from the Batman franchise with Halle Berry's Catwoman solo film. Don't get me wrong - Catwoman is a great character. But taking her out of the Batman universe is a slap in the face to loyal Batman fans and a confusing turn of events for the general public. Unfortunately, this wasn't the only superhero flub perpetrated by...

4. Halle Berry. That's right. Not only did this actress crap on Catwoman, she took a dump on Storm too (in three consecutive X-Men films!). That's four awful superhero performances in one decade. Why, Halle? WHY??? At least she wasn't cast in...

3. The obnoxious musical number featured in Spider-Man 3. I truly enjoyed the beginning of Spider-Man 3... until I realized that I was watching a Spider-Man movie and not a romantic comedy about three friends caught in a love triangle. Upon realizing how lame that was, Sam Raimi delivered the killing blow - a Toby Maguire song and dance number. Something inside me died that day. The decision to include this musical interlude is only eclipsed by the misguided decision to make...

2. Superman Returns as a sequel. Now this is supremely hypocritical on my part because I've never seen the film. But did I even need to? It's a sequel to Superman II... a movie I didn't even like that was made over 25 years ago!!! To make matters worse, Bryan Singer ditched the X-Men franchise to make this film, which leads us to...

1. X-Men: The Last Stand. The whole movie. One. Big. Mistake.

More: The Top 9 DC Comics Movies Warner Bros. Should Be Making Right Now.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Green Arrow. Supermax, eh? What a fucking stupid idea. Why would you introduce Green Arrow to the film audience through a prison breakout movie? Play this one close to the vest and tell the tale of a spoiled rich kid that turns into a modern Robin Hood. It's that easy. Get some imaginative director to envision fun archery antics (including a slo-mo Matrix style arrow shot, of course) and you've got another superhero blockbuster on your hands, Warner Bros.

8. Metropolis. This is an unusual suggestion that could work out unusually well - take the highly successful Smallville TV series and spin it off into a blockbuster film where everything we know about the TV show changes. Let Clark Kent grow up and make the transition that we knew he was always going to make. Bring back familiar cast members - Lex, Lana, and more - while solidifying Clark's status in the big city. Show Kal-El taking hold of the Superman mantle and growing into his infamous role.

7. Arkham Asylum. A horror movie where the spotlight is on the Batman's rogues gallery. People already know the cast of characters well... so now give them a freaky thriller where every villain gets the same sort of hyper-serious treatment that Heath Ledger and company gave to the Joker. The story could focus on one frightening night when the prisoners of Arkham get loose inside the building and attempt to escape from the asylum. Tell the story from the viewpoint of a psychiatrist working there. People would love this.

6. Green Lantern. Supposedly, this movie is going to get made soon. But Warner Bros., you're like the "the film studio that cried wolf" when it comes to superhero movies. I'll believe that you're actually making this when I see some production stills or photos from the set. And it's probably best to go with the John Stewart version of the character - that's who the public is mostly familiar nowadays. Plus, the DCU film universe could use a bit of diversity.

5. The Daily Planet. A film about the most famous fictional newspaper in the world. Redefine Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and Perry White for the masses. Show what it's like to cover news in a world where the unbelievable happens on a regular basis. On the whole, this should be largely devoid of Superman (maybe just a little foreshadowing). However, this movie must be developed with the notion that relaunching the Superman franchise as a sequel is a given. As a tease, have the final scene feature a young Clark Kent being introduced to Lois Lane for the very first time.

4. Flash. The character is truly iconic. That's what he has in spades over most other superheroes. His name alone gives you everything you need to know: it's all about speed. Plus, the Flash logo makes for incredible merchandising. The marketing potential for this property is tremendous. To top it off, this legacy character has more than one classic iteration. Therefore, you can kill off Barry in the second film (for unparalleled dramatic superhero tension) and have Wally rise to the challenge.

3. Aquaman. As a huge Aquaman fan, I may be a bit biased. But this character is known across the world and beloved by many who grew up on Super Friends. Those two things alone make it the perfect time for an Aquaman movie, which would be a lavish underwater epic. Still need more proof that this should get made? Entourage has already done the viral promotion for the film! Warner Bros., if you wait too damn long then you'll never be able to capitalize on that free publicity!!!

2. Superman Begins. Yeah, we already have five modern Superman movies, not to mention countless hours of animated film and TV shows, and then there's Smallville... and a WHOLE LOT MORE. But the Superman film franchise is in the crapper right now. Warner Bros., just admit that Superman Returns didn't turn out like you expected and relaunch the whole franchise from the beginning. Keep it simple and go with the "Begins" motif that worked wonders for your Batman franchise.

1. Wonder Woman. Seriously, why is there no Wonder Woman movie yet? I know the story blah blah blah Whedon blah blah blah wrote a script blah blah. WHO CARES!?! Just make the damn movie already!!! This is one of the most famous superheroes in the world and all she has right now is a dated (albeit awesome) 70s TV series and a (LAME!) direct-to-DVD animated film. Stop making excuses, Warner Bros., and make a goddamn Wonder Woman movie!

More: The Top 9 WORST Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. 2 for 1. If you play your cards right, you may get invited to two consecutive seders. Imagine Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner back to back.

8. Exclusivity. Outside large Jewish communities, Passover largely flies under the radar. As such, most seders I have been to were pretty small and intimate. I always got a kick out of being the only Indian kid in town who knew the bread prayer.

7. Matzo ball soup. Like I could really leave this out, talk about a staple!

6. Passover Coke. I suppose it is a symptom of living in Peoria that I just found out about this. (and no, this isn't kosher cocaine) I am going to buy every freaking yellow capped bottle I see. (no HFCS!)

Follow the yellow cap to HFCS-free bliss

5. Brisket. No joke. I love me some hot and juicy brisket. I'll chomp on that stuff until my jaw hurts. Everyone in Sq seems to be a genius when it comes to beef.

4. Finding the afikoman. I can't say I was ever very good at this game - but it was a lot of fun tearing the place apart looking for a piece of matzo.

3. Wine. 4 cups - it's a Rabbinic requirement. Nothing says awesome like a religiously mandated tipple.

2. The Passover story. When we were kids, my parents would always invite stranded CMU grad students over for Thanksgiving and my sister and I would have to recite the story of the first Thanksgiving. So come spring, it was nice to have someone else do the storytelling.

My only weakness

1. Manischewitz Macaroons. You know, I could do a Top 9 based on Manischewitz products alone, but these macaroons, seemingly available only during Passover, are my favorite. I buy these suckers by the truckload every chance I get.

That's it folks. Nick will be back next week with a superwacky Texas themed Top 9. Stay tuned!

More: The Top 9 UK Oddities

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what Nick calls math.

I won't be surprised if this list is completely obsolete in two weeks.

Honorable mention to the original Aquaman (Arthur Curry). I'm not sure what the hell is going on with him right now... EDIT: The Aquaman Shrine knows what's up thanks to this Blackest Night teaser featuring a zombie who resembles a certain famous scaly-shirted DCU hero.

9. Elongated Man (Ralph Dibny). This stretchy detective met his end at the end of DC Comics' weekly 52 comic book. But he's probably the least "dead" character on this list, considering that he's been shown (however sparingly) to be active even in the afterlife.

8. Kitty Pryde. Her "death" came at the end of Joss Whedon and John Cassaday's Astonishing X-Men run. She saved the day by permanently fusing herself to a giant bullet and phasing it through the Earth. Currently hurtling thru space, she's not technically dead... but she might as well be since there's nothing anyone can do for her.

7. Sabretooth (Victor Creed). Vic was skewered by Wolverine in (the most recent) Wolverine #55. It's kind of bad timing if you ask me - Sabretooth is going to be played on the big screen in May (or tonight, on your computer, thanks to bittorrent) by Liev Schreiber. Too bad he's nowhere to be found in the Wolverine books!

6. Shredder (Oroku Saki). Mirage Comics no longer publishes a current ongoing Turtles narrative. Rather, the Tales of the TMNT series jumps around time and delivers stories from the entire timeline of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But, as far as I know, Shredder is still dead in the "present." And he's still awesome, dead or not.

5. Martian Manhunter (J'onn J'onzz). Marty got toasted by the Human Flame in Final Crisis #1. DC had been giving J'onn the runaround for the past few years anyway, so it was no big loss when he went up in flames. He'll definitely be back at some point because he's too awesome to stay dead for too long.

4. Jean Grey. Yep, still dead... I think. Who knows with this one? Her most recent "death" was in New X-Men #150, when Wolverine stabbed her and the Phoenix force saved her and then she was promptly murdered by Magento / Xorn / none of the above. Whatever. It's always been messy when it comes to Jean.

3. Thanos. Landing in the number three spot is Thanos. Why? Because I like him, damn it! And because this is the guy who almost completely controlled the universe but decided to bitch out at the very last minute just because he felt like it. Sweet! He was later destroyed by Drax in the original Annihilation limited series.

2. Batman (Bruce Wayne). Okay, this is kind of a cheat. In Final Crisis #6 we see Bats die, and then we see him back again at the very end of Final Crisis #7. But for all intents and purposes, Bruce is dead to the DC Universe. I mean, people are "battling" for his cowl as we speak. And that's fine by me.

1. Captain America (Steve Rogers). Steve took a bullet for his country in (the most recent) Captain America #25. His mantle is currently being filled by his long-thought-dead WWII sidekick, Bucky Barnes, who was actually in an off-again on-again cryogenic deep sleep that was suspended only when the USSR wanted their "Winter Soldier" to go ice someone. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

More: The Top 9 Superheroes I DON’T Want to Hang Out With

And more: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

ALF is worried we're not gonna pick his favorites.

8. ALF Episode #84 - Hooked on a Feeling (Season 4). Due to his alien physiology, Gordon Shumway can get high off of cotton... and he quickly gets addicted. He goes on a tear and devours all the cotton in the house. To make matters better, the episode features ALF hallucinating.

7. ALF Episode #49 - I'm Your Puppet (Season 2). ALF gets a ventriloquist dummy, thus creating the ultimate in meta commentary. To sweeten the deal, ALF's puppet is a parody of Paul Fusco, creator of ALF and the primary puppeteer.

6. ALF Episode #97 - When I'm Sixty-Four (Season 4). Lonely and curious about the presence of a famous Hollywood celebrity, ALF sneaks into a local nursing home and parties the night away. The change of scenery is refreshing and funny, while the supporting cast really pumps up ALF's jokes.

5. ALF Episode #24 - Weird Science (Season 1). While being completely hilarious, this episode is also frighteningly factual. ALF tells Brian that his diorama of the Solar System is incomplete - it's missing two planets beyond Pluto, Dave and Alvin. Though largely coincidental, we know now that ALF's description of the outer Solar System isn't so far-fetched.

4. ALF Episode #95 - Gimme That Old Time Religion (Season 4). ALF becomes a preacher. This religious satire is biting and ridiculous. It also produced my favorite ALF quote:

[from the Melmacian scripture according to Barry] He who burps downwind can party with me anytime.

3. ALF Episode #71 - Superstition (Season 3). ALF and the Tanners perform a traditional Melmac ceremony in the backyard wherein everyone must wear meat strapped against their bodies to atone for the reckless destruction of a history book. Classic.

2. ALF Episode #63 - Alone Again, Naturally (Season 3). Maybe it's the change of scenery. Maybe it's the ludicrous situation that ALF gets himself into. Or maybe it's the perfect combination of location, scenario, and weird wit that makes this "kidnapping" so damn funny and re-watchable.

1. ALF Episode #42 - We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert (Season 2). This episode features ALF playing paddle ball, which is probably the show's single most hilarious physical moment. Add to that the fact that this episode has the greatest use of recurring gags in the entire series (slugs), as well ALF embalming the dead Uncle Albert in peaches in the Tanner's bathtub, and you have the pinnacle of the ALF television series!

More: BREAKING NEWS: Stephen Colbert Has Twatted

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Honorable mention goes to deviantART, which is actually one of the better social networks out there because it allows you to express yourself through your work. But jeers to deviantART for being so obsessed with "membership benefits." GET REAL! This is the Internet. People want shit for free.

Non-honorable mentions go to Google's orkut and Yahoo!'s Kickstart. Your networks suck, guys. Stick to making search engines instead. Wait... actually, Yahoo!, you should probably just give up on that too.

9. Yuwie. You should join this social network if you are: stupid. Yuwie popped on the scene real big in 2007, promising to give its members a piece of the site's advertising revenue. In actuality, all it did was waste precious time that countless suckers could have spent changing their status updates on Facebook. Total revenue earned? $0.00!!!

8. Ning. You should join this social network if you are: obtuse. While the idea behind the Ning network - join Ning and start your OWN social networking site - is sound, the actual network is a confusing and bizarre place. Due to its mission statement, the user base is severely fragmented. While the concept promotes unique expression, the reality is that Ning lacks a coherent purpose.

7. Friendster. You should join this social network if you are: obsolete. For all intents and purposes, Friendster is dead. This was the precursor to MySpace and the first international social networking hit. But those glory days are long gone. Now, Friendster is like an apocalyptic Mad Max website where profiles have been recklessly abandoned for over half a decade while spammers openly roam the network bandwidth. You can join this network or you can go purchase a VHS player. Your choice. Same results.

6. LinkedIn. You should join this social network if you are: snobby. Do I really care about your professional achievements? NO! I want to post pictures of me and my friends getting drunk. I want to read stupid, time-wasting status updates about people I haven't seen for at least 10 years. LinkedIn denies me both of these guilty pleasures and instead asks me to share my work history. PUH-LEASE, LinkedIn!!! Why so serious?

5. Bebo. You should join this social network if you are: lame. Really, there's no other way to say it. Including myself, an admitted social networking addict, there are only four people I know on Bebo. And they're ALL lame (sorry, guys!). The network is even worse than hi5 (see #4 on this list), and that's saying something. Bebo is going nowhere fast. REALLY fast.

4. hi5. You should join this social network if you are: Hispanic. At least, that's what social networking experts would have you think. Honestly, I think hi5 is just boring. But apparently hi5 is popular among users that speak Spanish as a first language... popular, that is, according to hi5. They say the network will catch on in the United States soon. But unless they make some serious upgrades, I don't think it's going anywhere but straight to the bottom of this list.

3. MySpace. You should join this social network if you are: trashy. I'm sorry to say it, but you are officially in your twilight years, MySpace. Just like Friendster before you, you are a fallen giant. It's sad really - it was far too easy to corrupt your system with irritating spam and gaudy page designs. The only people actively using MySpace nowadays are either painfully behind the curve or fully at peace with their own trashy existence.

2. Twitter. You should join this social network if you are: trendy. It's called "micro-blogging." Don't feel bad if you don't get it - Twitter didn't get it for the first three years of its own existence. Since 2006, Twitter has been crashing and pissing off its abnormally loyal members on a regular basis. Only within the past couple months has Twitter fully embraced its social network celebrity status. Now it's poised to overtake Facebook if the (new) social networking giant ever falls.

1. Facebook. You should join this social network if you are: human. Founded in 2004, this social network was originally open only to select American university students. Slowly, it opened up to all students and became an international network. Then it opened its doors to everyone on Earth... who, surprisingly, all joined. Now, after having conquered the entire human race, Facebook seeks to network with all manner of living organisms on Earth before it steadily begins its network expansion out into the vast reaches of the Milky Way Galaxy.

More: The AudioShocker Is Trashy, Trendy, and Human!!!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Even that can't make up for what you did to us, Halle.

This post is a response to last week's Top 9 Actors in Live-Action Superhero Films. That list was the "glass is half full" to this post's "the glass is half empty."

It's important to note that this is our first community-created Top 9 list. If you want to get in on the action for the next Top 9 post, nominate you ideas below in the comments and we'll get to it.

Honorable mention to George Clooney (Bats), Chris O'Donnell (the Boy Wonder), and Alicia Silverstone (She-Bats) from Batman & Robin. You three sucked so much that everybody knows it, thus making your appearance on this list completely unnecessary.

9. James Marsden as Cyclops. Cyke has been a lot of things in his career, but he's never been a more of a dick than when James Marsden played him on the big screen. Jimmy tried so damn hard to be a good Scott Summers, but he sucked. He sucked so much, in fact, that the filmmakers decided to kill the character off. That's some serious sucking.

8. Jim Carrey as Riddler. I think it's the skintight suit and the jazz hands that really seal the deal on this one. Carrey almost sold me at first as Edward Nigma, but the honeymoon faded fast when he slipped into supervillainy and proceeded to give me a headache as the Riddler.

7. Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. Vinnie made a strong case for topping this list, if not for his classic "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" line. At least he gave us something to laugh at while he was stinking up the house. The entirety X-Men: The Last Stand could fill up this blog post, but let's just say that Vinnie's carrying the torch for that whole piece of shit.

6. Christian Bale as Batman. It's the voice, really. I mean, the guy isn't terrible as Bruce Wayne. But his Batman is so annoying and husky that it negates any good performance by his alter ego. Plus, he's annoyed me in two different movies as Batman. That's gotta count for something.

5. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. Damn it, Uma! You're supposed to be better than this!!! Yeah, we expected pure shit from Clooney, O'Donnell, and Silverstone in Batman & Robin... but not from you! You're the classy one. Fucking hell, Uma, even Schwarzenegger made you look bad.

4. David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury. Have you seen this made-for-TV movie? Probably not. So trust me on this one: you DON'T want to see it. Yeah, it's that bad. I promise.

3. Ben Affleck as Daredevil. Matt Murdock was blinded as a child, his father was murdered by the mob, his career was ruined by the man who also destroyed him physically, his drug addicted and deadly girlfriends have been murdered by the same man, and he's even been impersonated by another hero best known for doing roundhouse kicks in his slippers... but none of this could ever compare to the shame Daredevil felt when he was portrayed by Ben Affleck on the big screen.

2. Matt Salinger as Captain America. This one falls into the same category as Hasselhoff - you probably haven't seen it and you probably shouldn't. I saw this film as a child, and for years I had to silently work thru the emotional trauma of watching Salinger fill out Cap's threads.

1. Halle Berry as Storm AND Catwoman. An actor so nice we hate on her twice! It's not everyday that you get to royally suck as not one BUT two blockbuster superheroes. Add to it that these two characters span four different films and we've got ourselves a WORST winner! Meow!!!

More: The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Ian McKellen as Magneto

You could say that the premise of this post is shamelessly stolen from ComicBook.com's Top 10 Comic Book Movie Actors. I prefer to think of this as a response. The execution of their list was excellent, but I disagree with their selections.

For better or worse, I'm focusing on superhero comic book films and live-action material only. Otherwise, this list would be dominated by Will Smith (Men in Black), Mark Hamill (Joker), and Kevin Conroy (Batman).

Honorable mentions: Adam West has some serious balls. Next? Jeff Bridges as Obadiah Stane in Iron Man. Finally, Stan "The Man" Lee. Who could forget "Guy Who Gets Turned Away from Reed and Sue's Wedding" or "Guy Who Gets Sick from Banner's Blood in a Soda Bottle"???

9. Michael Chiklis as The Thing. It's easy to forget that Chiklis is under pounds and pounds of makeup because he makes Ben Grimm look so natural. His work is both memorable and charming. Big props.

8. Heath Ledger as Joker. Should he be higher up on this list? While Ledger was terrific, I don't dig on his performance as much as most. I think he was solid and unique (and worthy of this list), but his acting was also very forced.

7. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. A truly odd choice for the role of Logan. Back in 2000, everyone said Wolvie was too soft in X-Men. Though he was unusually sensitive, he really let loose in X2: X-Men United and claimed the character in that film.

6. Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. She became a cat. Seriously, Selina Kyle never looked so sexy and so feline in her entire existence until Michelle took hold of the role. The physical element of her performance is simply amazing.

5. Michael Keaton as Batman. The litmus test for being great? Keaton's Bruce Wanye sticks in my head like no other live-action Batman performance. Like Jackman, he's an oddity from a casting perspective, but he really delivers.

4. Famke Janssen as Jean Grey. I can close my eyes right now and hear the soft delivery of Famke as Jean. Her acting is so well-rounded and composed that I always forget I'm watching an actress and completely believe I'm watching Jean Grey.

3. Jack Nicholson as Joker. It seems easy to play a wacky Joker until you think about the inherent contradiction between his aggression and his humor. Nicholson maintained an amazing balance that inspired fear and laughter at the same time.

2. Sir Ian McKellen as Magneto. Now this is what I'm talking about! When you find yourself quoting an actor without even trying, they've done their job. "Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?" "We are the future, Charles, not them." Wonderful.

1. Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man. Downey is Tony. Tony is Downey. I mean, REALLY, this guy became the character. Tony Stark, while having fluctuating levels of charm within his own comics, was catapulted to the Hall of Fame of Charisma by Robert Downey, Jr. 'Nuff said.

More: Comic Book Disloyalty and the Future of Cinema.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Jackson as Nick Fury

While is certainly feels good to know that Sam isn't feuding with Marvel anymore, our collective thoughts now turn to bigger questions: for example, if the Formula 51 actor (no, not Formula 50, you asshats... but I bet Curtis was thinking of Formula 51 when he named his Vitamin Water... it tastes like Flintstones Vitamins, BTW...) takes Marvel Studios up on its full contractual option, which Marvel Comics will get turned into blockbuster flicks for Sam's next nine movies?

"HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS!" because here comes The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury:

9. Ant-Man. This movie has been announced, so I figure it's going to get made eventually. Sam should have a cameo in this one if only to stop by and call Hank Pym a "MUTHERFUCKER!" for slapping Janet around.

8. Thor. Again, this movie sure looks like it's going to get made (by Kenneth Branagh, nonetheless). It's the perfect opportunity to hear Sammy shout, "Hold onto your Asgardian butt, Odinson!"

7. Captain America: The First Avenger. Stupid title, but it's getting made. It'll all be worth it, however, when Sam gets to yell, "Yes these Nazis deserve to die, and I hope they BURN IN HELL!"

6. Iron Man 2. This movie should pick up where the last one left off, with Robert Downey Jr saying, "What? Join your Avenger Initiative!?! You just broke into my house!!! Fuck off, Fury!"

5. The Avengers. Again, already announced. I hope Marvel Studios picks up on the plot hints from the Ultimates 2 storyline and delivers a scene where Bruce Banner walks in on Nick Fury as he fucks the shit out of Betty Ross. "HULK SMASH SEXY EYEPATCH MAN!"

4. S.H.I.E.L.D. Recent press coverage features mention of a potential S.H.I.E.L.D. film. Go for it, Marvel! Just give me tons of Samuel L Jackson LMDs running around shouting, "Fuck you, MUTHERFUCKERs! I'm the real Nick Fury!!!"

3. Secret Warriors. Now the fun begins as I make shit up out of thin air. My first choice? A hilarious Secret Warriors laugh fest starring Samuel L Jackson. Nick Fury has just recruited the next generation of superheroes... but these kids just want to throw keggers and party all day!!! Watch as Colonel Fury tries to control these wild young recruits and turn them into the heroes of tomorrow! Co-starring Jonah Hill as The Druid, Shia Leboeuf as Hellfire, and Elisha Cuthbert as Quake.

2. Nick Fury 2: Identity Crisis. What about the first Nick Fury movie, you ask? It's already been made! Yeah, it sucked... but we have to honor past continuity. The only reasonable solution is to make a movie starring BOTH Samuel L Jackson and David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury(s) from alternate dimensions. The plot will revolve around their Wile E Coyote antics to destroy each other to claim the title of Ultimate Nick Fury.

1. Fury Vs. 007. You know you want it! Fiction's two biggest super spies duke it out with crazy gadgets and souped up sports cars. In the tradition of the mighty Marvel team-up, these two will realize they're on the same side halfway thru the movie and then go fight a common enemy: Jason Bourne, the hotshot wannabe super spy who's really just an emo amnesiac. Then, after they kick the shit out of Bourne, Nick Fury and James Bond will go tag team Betty Ross and make Bruce Banner cry again. "HULK SMASH THREESOME!"

More: The Top 9 Best Live-Action Superhero Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Havok. He's getting a big profile bump soon in the War of Kings event, so this would be the perfect time to spin him out into his own series again. Alex Summers has already carried Mutant X on his own and he headlined X-Factor for years. Just get him back in his classic duds before he launches his new solo book!

7. Zatanna. The Bat-books need some magic. Even with Bruce Wayne MIA right now, this classic JLA hero could interact in Gotham City in interesting ways. The Arkham Asylum crowd are used to fists and gadgets. But what if they had to fight spells instead?

6. Falcon. I had an awesome idea today -- a new Marvel Two-in-One or Marvel Team Up book featuring Falcon as the reoccurring hero. Sam Wilson can fly and talk to birds, but he needs a power upgrade to handle major threats. Solution? Use his Rolodex to boost his brawn on the battlefield.

5. Sasquatch. Marvel's Canadian heavy hitter needs a new lease on stardom. Put him in his own series where he's fighting the horror creatures of the Marvel Universe. His lighthearted attitude and love for science will contrast well with fantasy themed horror elements.

4. Psylocke. Betsy Braddock needs a new modus operandi. My suggestion? A classic kung fu street series. Have her hang with Iron Fist, fight alongside Shang-Chi, and buddy up with the Daughters of the Dragon. Bring in the X-Men now and then to boost sales.

3. Joker. A supervillain (or "super villain," as DC Comics would say) series is always a tricky thing. But the Joker is a tricky kind of guy, so it just might work. With Heath Ledger's star performance as the Clown Price of Crime, Joker's profile is higher than ever -- now just put him in his own comic book full of funny and twisted tales.

2. Storm. Lucky for me, she just finished up a mini series. But I would like to see another mini lined up, or better yet, an ongoing book for this mutant weather goddess. Give Chris Claremont the writing assignment and put Aaron Lopresti on art duties.

1. Aquaman. Plain and simple. The classic DC Comics water hero, Arthur Curry. He's one of the big guns and he needs to get his own title, even if it's just a mini series! Ride that seahorse, baby, ride!!!

More: The Top 9 Marvel Universe Characters That Have Stepped Up Since Civil War!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Back in 2005, I contacted Chalk Outline Party, a band looking to replace their departing bassist. I always stayed mum about my "rock" influences when asked, but the Chalk guys seemed like an alright bunch so I gave it to them straight: "Well," I said, "I mostly listen to rap now, but my rock influences? Um... I'm into Van Halen!"

The singer got real serious and said, "I love Van Halen. Earlier today I went out for a run and then I came home, did a few push-ups, and listened to 'Unchained.' I was so pumped. And our guitar player here? Eddie is his main influence!"

Two weeks later and I still hadn't heard back from the band. That's when I realized the awful truth: those fuckers were making fun of me! Well the joke's on them because Eddie Van Halen will go down in history as one of the most innovative and unique electric guitarists of all time. And I am not ashamed to say I love me some Van Halen music (Michael Anthony and Alex Van Halen included!!!).

However, my taste in VH might be a bit outside the accepted norm... here's my list of the Top 9 greatest Van Halen songs:

9. 1984 - What the fuck, right? Yeah, I know it's all synth. It's also all awesome.

8. Mean Street - The verse is a little silly, but the chorus is incredible.

7. Jump - It's a bit bubblegum, but it really rocks.

6. It's About Time - If I ever made a time travel movie, this would be on the soundtrack.

5. Why Can't This Be Love - Love the intro, love the verse, and I love the hook. I love this song.

4. Panama - A streamlined, kickass anthem.

3. Best of Both Worlds - Another excellent anthem, this one with touches of beauty.

2. Up For Breakfast - A double entendre track, filled with allegories relating sex to breakfast food. Sounds like it came straight out of my songbook.

1. Unchained - One of my favorite rock songs of all time. The chorus inspires countless comic book action sequences every time I listen to it.

9. Mortal Kombat - I don't care much for this game. The playability is just whatever. However, the game is a cultural phenomenon. And it does have a few redeeming qualities, namely the fatalities. Also, the first MK movie was sweet.

8. Tekken 3 - You can't have a top fighting games list without a Tekken game. As for which Tekken to choose, that's up for debate. I don't like the arcade version of Tekken 5 and I forget the nuances of the other versions. I deferred to Justique for this decision, and she chose Tekken 3 as the best.

7. Street Fighter Alpha 3 - The playability is intriguing, with character quality ranging from painfully stiff to amazingly fluid. Even though the response time could be improved, the character sprites are terrific and the overall selection of playable characters is wonderful.

6. Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi - On the face of it, this game appears to be a subpar licensed fighter from an era of awkward 3D gameplay. But this game has everything you need -- competitive playability, decent character customization options, great unlockable characters, fun little secret tricks (like giving the characters tiny bodies and huge heads), and a solid mythology to pull from (in this case, the marketable Star Wars mythology).

5. Soulcalibur II – Exquisite playability. Great character moves, strong specials, nice looking stages, good character design, and quality response time. I think it lacks some of the finer touches of the top versus fighters on this list, but this fighting game is a modern classic and true fan favorite.

4. Marvel vs. Capcom - I went over this last week, so I won't do it all again. Suffice to say that Marvel vs. Capcom 2 is not allowed on this list. But that's no true loss as its predecessor has far stronger gameplay anyway. In fact, I would venture to say that this is Capcom's most well-rounded versus fighter: the character designs are elegant, the playability and response time are almost perfect, the customization options and unlockables are good incentives, and it's a great cast.

3. Dead or Alive 2 - Customization decadence. A plethora of unlockable costumes make this game like Barbie dolls for dudes. It certainly doesn't hurt that the gameplay is extremely strong, with a ton of awesome moves and a surprisingly diverse set of fighting styles. And don't forget about the ever-classic "age" option, which gives all the ladies giant boobies when you set it to "99."

2. Marvel Super Heroes - I'm not your average gamer. I'm a comic book fan that just happens to love fighting games, not the other way around. And this game is the ultimate in comic book fighting game indulgence. The character sprites are absolutely amazing. Sometimes I just turn on my PS1 and watch the intro to Marvel Super Heroes play over and over. The proportions, the movements, the speed - it's all there, like the heroes have come to life right off of the pages. The playability is extremely competitive and the Infinity Gems theme makes for some awesome special moves. It's almost the greatest fighting game ever, with the clear exception of...

1. Street Fighter II Turbo - Let me tell you a story. I was 11 years old. My family was on a rare overseas trip to Italy. And on this particular day, we were visiting the small mountain town of Bisenti. We started at the bottom, driving up a long spiraling road. First it was sunny, then it was rainy, then it started to hail, then it started snowing, and finally it was bright and sunny again at the top. Though Bisenti was supposed to be my ancestral home, I was bored as shit... until I stumbled into the tiny general store in the center of town and saw the Street Fighter II arcade game glowing like it dropped out of heaven. I slipped a coin into the slot, selected E. Honda, and played that game until I had to be forcibly removed from the premises. I was just a little kid but I was two characters away from beating the damn game on one coin. Two months later I was back at home, playing Street Fighter II Turbo for the first time on a console and I cleaned my friend's clock so bad that he actually started to cry. Thus began my love affair with fighting games and Street Fighter. SF II Turbo is pretty much universally accepted as the best version of this classic versus fighter, and most certainly deserving of the top honors here on the AudioShocker.

Previous: The Top 9 Playable Marvel Characters in Capcom Fighting Games!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Blackheart - Yeah, Ghost Rider was popular in the late 90s, but Blackheart!?! Along with Shuma-Gorath, Blackheart was a bizarre choice for a baddie. Still, his playability is awesome, with excellent long range attacks and a few really great specials.

8. Cyclops - Personally, I think Cyke is a natural for a fighting game. He's got big power and he's also a scrapper. His eyebeams make him a great long range character, while his kicks make him a strong close range fighter. The only flaw is that he doesn't have more variations in his eyebeam moves.

7. Gambit - In the Capcom series, Gambit is one of your all purpose agile characters, contrasting especially well with with Jin and Strider Hiryu in Marvel vs.Capcom. Gambit has great power moves, like when he smashes your face in with his staff or charges you up to throw you. And his specials are huge.

6. Spider-Man - Spidey is another one of your all purpose agile fighters, with even greater speed and damage hits than Gambit. I like to use Spidey when I've been beat a few times in a row by an opponent. Bringing Spidey out and landing lots of fast, close range hits is especially demoralizing to a challenger.

5. Wolverine - While Spidey does have great speed and close range attacks, Wolvie has the capability to utterly devastate another player when you're in a bind. His charging moves are especially powerful, and his speed can do irreparable damage in a short space of time.

4. Hulk - Big hits. That's what Hulk does best. Often, he accepts far more damage than smaller characters like Wolvie and Spidey, which can be frustrating. But when Hulk lands his hits, the battle is decisive and it ends fast. His specials are decent, but his regular kicks and punches have tremendous power.

3. War Machine - Rhodey is the replacement for Iron Man in the later Marvel fighting games. While they are basically the same character, War Machine has a few extra moves that make him superior. But even beyond that, his playability is fantastic, with wonderful long range projectile attacks, solid close range strikes, and tremendous specials. Plus, the SFX make a little metal noise when he gets hit. How cool is that?

2. Captain America - Okay, Cap has next to no long range attacks. He's not a well rounded character by any means. But he is by far the best close range fighter, mixing agility with strong basic moves. He's not as fast as Spidey or Wolvie, but his hits tend to land better and with greater effect. His specials are solid, and his power moves are always dependable. Plus, it's demoralizing to an opponent to lose to Cap because he doesn't have all the fancy projectiles or flashy power moves.

1. Juggernaut - An odd choice for the top of the list, but well deserving. Juggs has the hit presence of the Hulk, but with greater speed and agility. His blocks are far more dependable than the Jade Giant or Zangief (the other big brawler characters). And his specials always wreck an opponent. To top it off, Juggy is a wonderful character even in assist mode (as a "sepcial hero"). Overall, he's the biggest bang-for-your-buck in Marvel fighting games made by Capcom.

Next: The Top 9 Fighting Games!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Rick Leonardi

8. Chris Bachalo

7. John Romita, Jr.

6. Frank Quitely

5. Neal Adams

4. Dave Cockrum

3. Jim Lee

2. John Byrne

1. Paul Smith

Next: The Top 9 Playable Marvel Characters in Capcom Fighting Games!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Is Gleaming the Cube ever going to get a new DVD release? The world's greatest skateboarding action-drama has been languishing in near obscurity for almost 10 years thanks to stupid movie companies and their DVD publishing. Gleaming the Cube should be in discount bins at Walmart, not out-of-print!

7. When did wholesome become a codeword for underage slut? Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, the Cheetah Girls, and the list goes on and on. WTF???!!! I don't want to see sexualized high school girls! I want to see full grown sexy women! Who the hell is behind the marketing of these young girls because they should be ashamed (and slapped).

6. Where can I get a quality copy of Darkstalkers for the PS1? I looked on Amazon and I found a copy for a decent price but it was still a pretty high price. This leads me to my next question, which is...

5. Which version of Darkstalkers should I get for the PS1??? Ross has the third one and he likes it. But I'm kind of a snob about this stuff -- I don't need all the characters, I just need the best playability. Case in point: I'll take Capcom's Marvel Super Heroes over Marvel vs. Capcom 2 any day. Same with Street Fighter II Turbo over Street Fighter Alpha 3. But before I can even buy one of these damn Darkstalkers games, I need to know...

4. What's a good website for buying old school video games? I love to play NES and PS1 games, but I have to search all around when I want to buy one. I need a good website for getting any used game I want.

3. Does anyone know a GOOD social networking profile aggregator that will let me view information from multiple MySpace profiles simultaneously? I've tried like 10 of these damn aggregators in the past few days and they all pretty much suck. Power.com would be perfect except it only allows for one MySpace account.

2. Who is going to be the next Black Panther? From the looks of it, it can't be Storm (hint: BP has brown eyes on the cover of February's first issue). So is it going to be T'Challa's sister, Shuri, or what?!

1. What the fuck is a "meme"!?! Ross tried to explain it to me, but I still don't get it. So it's something that people pass around online? Could that be more fucking ambiguous?!!! I need a quality definition and Wikipedia just isn't cutting it.

Next: The Top 9 Botanists of the 18th Century!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Thunderball. You know, from the Wrecking Crew. He's got that awesome wrecking ball on a chain that he swings around. We'd go to a condemned building and swing that damned ball around until the whole place comes crashing down. Around the time that he decides to go rob a bank, I'll just say I'm tired and head home.

8. Deathstroke. I would convince Slade Wilson that we should go to an underground fighting tournament and have some fun. We'll do the Munson and McCracken routine from Kingpin, and pretend we're inexperienced betters. Then I'd sit back and watch Deathstroke take out every single chump one-by-one.

7. Catwoman. Sexy and spontaneous, we'd definitely do something fun. She's more of a trickster baddie than a malicious villain, so I wouldn't have to worry about risking my life too much during one night out with Selina Kyle. It would just get boring to hear her talk over and over about how great Batman is.

6. Dr. Doom. Okay, he's a bit nuts. But he can travel through time, he's a scientific genius, and he certainly doesn't lack entertainment value. The only way a hang out session with Victor Von Doom could go downhill would be if he tried to make me his servant or something like that.

5. Riddler. Our conversations would be utterly confusing but his constant need to tell me interesting puns and mystery stories could actually end up being really enjoyable. I mean, one night of Edward Nigma would be enough. But I think it would be worth it for a single hang out session.

4. Batroc. C'mon, you know that I would hang with Georges for one night and one night only for this simple reason - parkour. I would meet up with Batroc in a city that has a lot of low roofs and I would watch him do crazy stunts all night... preferably, somewhere with a lot of poured concrete architecture.

3. Mystique. I would work real hard to stay on Mystique's good side all night because when I go home with her later, I can have sex with anyone I want! It just takes Raven Darkholme one simple thought and BAM! I can choose from Kerry Washington or Lucy Liu (or why not both!?!). Excellent.

2. Namor. Yeah, the guy is a bit unstable. But the Sub-Mariner has an entire underwater kingdom at his command, and I would want to spend at least one hang out session traveling the ocean depths with him. I would ask to visit all sorts of incredible scenic underwater locations that air breathers have never seen before.

1. Galactus. Okay, first off, I would not want to hang with him on a "hungry" night. Well, I guess he's always hungry... but you catch my drift. Galactus and I would chill shortly after he's eaten. Thus he would be in a jovial mood, and I would ask the oldest being in the universe all sorts of fascinating questions about the cosmos.

Previous: The Top 9 Superheroes I DON’T Want to Hang Out With!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Luke Cage. Power Man used to be awesome but now he's all into conspiracy theories and hiding out from "the man." Hanging out with Cage nowadays means putting on disguises to buy hot dogs and running underground to eat them in a deserted subway tunnel.

7. Green Arrow. Aside from being obnoxious and preachy, Ollie Queen would be extreme rude to any attractive women in his vicinity. Then he'd insist on playing darts for money until I'm broke. Not my idea of fun.

6. Doctor Strange. Seemingly fresh at first, cute sayings like "by the hoary hordes of Haggoth!" would get really old really fast. I would end up telling Stephen Strange that his "hoary whore mouth of Haggoth better shut the fuck up!" before I put my foot in it.

5. Hawkgirl. Along with being uneasy about her wings and the giant mace, I wouldn't be able to take her seriously in that bird mask. Then, if I asked her to take it off, Kendra would probably give me a line about how it's her proud warrior garb and my request insults her.

4. Hank Pym. Something is bound to go wrong. If he's not losing his mind and pretending to be a different bug, then he's slapping his wife around or getting abducted by aliens. It's not his fault he's a writers' punching bag, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with him.

3. Emma Frost. Seriously, what a bitch. The White Queen has the worst attitude in the entire Marvel Universe. She would whine about everything. The pizza's not hot enough, the restaurant is too dirty, her ludicrous costume is riding up her crack, etc.

2. Havok. Alex Summers will ditch me halfway through our night to tell some woman he just met that he's deeply in love with her and can't live without her. He'll stick me with the bill and run off to the southwest United States, where I won't hear from him again for years. At least, that's what he always does to the X-Men.

1. Cyclops. What's worse than getting ditched by Alex Summers? Chilling with his brother Scott as he rants about "how hard it is to live life when I can't relax for one moment because the smallest slip could result in my ruby quartz glasses falling off, causing my eyes to release powerful blasts of cosmic energy that could harm the people I love!"

Next: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Iron Man - I would be remiss to not include the Iron Avenger in my countdown. Plain and simple, Tony Stark has become the new Wolverine. Now that he has a breakout Hollywood blockbuster under his belt, his street cred is only going up. For readers of Marvel Comics since Civil War, Tony's star status is a no-brainer. In fact, he's bordering on overexposure lately, and that's why he's so low on this list. The fact remains that Iron Man is more integral to the Marvel Universe now than ever, and it's safe to say that things will be staying like that for quite some time to come.

7. Hercules - The Lion of Olympus is now the proud owner of his own critically acclaimed solo series (shamelessly stolen from Hulk), and from the looks of things, he's going to be in Mighty Avengers after Secret Invasion. After smashing the shit out of Clor in the final issue of Civil War, Herc has been on the fast-track to fandom. He's been the star of some of the best event tie-in stories of the past few years, and if things keep going the way they are right now, Hercules will be one of Marvel's biggest stars in the upcoming decade.

6. Luke Cage - Carl Lucas was the breakout star of New Avengers following Avengers Disassembled. But following Civil War, Luke took leadership of the team and became this top selling title's lead character. Luke is now a bonafide staple of the Marvel Universe after languishing on the sidelines for decades. Need proof? Cage gets name-checked by Q-Tip in his new album Renaissance on the track "Dance On Glass," where Q-Tip calls himself the "Luke Cage of the loose leaf page."

5. Iron Fist - So things were a little weird for Iron Fist during Civil War. First, he was pretending to be Daredevil over in DD's solo title, and then he was "officially" wearing the duds of Daredevil in Civil War (but never named as such during the mini series). However, the post-Civil War landscape has been kind to Danny Rand, granting him New Avengers status and a wonderful solo series. A much-needed costume redesign and a newly invented Iron Fist legacy have granted this son of K'un-Lun a fresh lease on life (if he can survive his 33rd birthday, that is...).

4. War Machine - In the Marvel Universe, Jim Rhodes was pretty much MIA for the first half of this decade (save for The Crew, but even then Rhodey was trying to pawn his War Machine helmet instead of wearing it). Following Civil War, Dan Slott saved Rhodey from obscurity by placing him in charge of the Initiative's Camp Hammond. Since then, War Machine has been slowly heating up. Now, with Secret Invasion nearing its end, he's ready to boil. War Machine has taken over Iron Man: Director of SHIELD, and he's spinning off into his own series post-SI that looks to be a real knockout.

3. Ms. Marvel - Carol Danvers was doing pretty well pre-Civil War, but it was nothing compared to her star status since Captain America surrendered. Ms. Marvel rose to leadership of the government-sanctioned New York state Initiative team in Mighty Avengers, while steering her own solo series into interesting territory. My guess is that Carol won't be the leader of the Mighty Avengers following Secret Invasion, but she's still going big places in the Marvel Universe.

2. American Eagle - Okay, maybe it's a bit of a cheat putting Jason Strongbow so high up on this list. But high his short guest spot in Thunderbolts gave new meaning to stealing the spotlight. He fought off the insane Colorado Initiative team, paralyzing Bullseye in the process. Marvel.com has just launched a digital-only American Eagle comic this past Wednesday, featuring the work of Jason Aaron and Richard Isanove. That alone is enough to make me purchase a subscription to Marvel's Digital Comics Unlimited.

1. 3-D Man - The hero formerly known as Triathlon has been redefined in the page of Avengers: The Initiative since Civil War, currently taking the lead during the Secret Invasion tie-in issues. Delroy Garrett, Jr.'s superhero legacy has always been connected to 3-D Man, but he officially assumed the title following his Initiative graduation. Now, with shape changing Skrulls covering Earth, Delroy can see them for what they are thanks to his goggles (a special gift from Chuck and Hal Chandler, who together formed the original 3-D Man). It's unclear what the future holds for 3-D Man, but his upcoming Skrull Kill Krew mini series stands to be a great read if it's anything like the past story arc of Avengers: The Initiative.

Next: There is no way I can keep filling in "Next" for this column!!! Consider this your last "Next"!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Root Beer. I want some goddamn root beer with my fucking nachos.

7. Porn. Possibly ebony or asian, but most importantly lesbian.

6. An Action Movie. After the nachos, root beer, and porno, I want a balls-to-the-wall action movie. But not the lame "Bourne" style that they make now. I want a 90s style action movie with weird sci-fi overtones, obvious in-camera special effects (preferably bad makeup FX), and some sort of social commentary. Like Total Recall or Street Fighter.

5. Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Carmel corn and buttered popcorn flavors only.

4. A Nap. After all that, I'm going to be a little tired.

3. NES Games. After a refreshing nap, what better way to pass the time than by playing some awesome Nintendo Entertainment System video games? I have Super Mario Bros 1 and 3, Pinball, Tetris, Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu, Double Dragon, and Bartman Meets Radioactive Man. I also have Road Runner tucked away somewhere, but that game blows.

2. RoadBlasters. I love my NES game selection at home, but I need more variety. I'm in the mood for RoadBlasters, the awesome driving game where the box art looks like the cars from the cartoon M.A.S.K.

1. Go To Sleep And Do It All Over Again. After I finish playing RoadBlasters, I want to go to bed. Then I want to wake up the next morning and do all of this stuff again, in order. Of course, I'll watch a different porno and a different action movie, but I'll still eat the same stuff and play RoadBlasters by the end. This shall be known as an endless, infinite cycle of fun.

Next: The Top 9 Characters in the Marvel Universe That Have Stepped Up Since Civil War!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. That gross bug guy who owns Anakin (Watto) - He's a really gross, asshole slave owner that spends his days forging the life experience that will one day cause Anakin Skywalker to kill millions across the universe.

8. Jet Porkins - I don't know what the hell he looks like. I couldn't pick him out of a lineup of Star Wars fighter dudes to save my life. But his name is hilarious and for that alone he makes this list.

7. Darth Maul - Really, it's mostly the double-edged lightsaber. I like that dude who has a head that looks like a lumpy penis too, but Maul is way sweeter with his wacked-out facepaint and spikes.

6. Fish head guy who bosses people around in Episode VI (Admiral Ackbar) - Does he do anything in that movie? I don't know. But he's got that crazy-ass head and I like it.

5. Lando Calrissian - A hustler that lives in a floating cloud fortress and dresses lives a Wild West meets Victorian pimp. How could you NOT like that?

4. Yoda - Imagine a senile gnome doing backflips in outerspace. That's Yoda, the moldy martial arts midget master.

3. Princess Leia (but only when she's in a bikini and chained to Jabba the Hutt) - Otherwise, she annoys me. But Carrie Fisher looked hot as fuck when she was chained up in that weird bikini. I know you know what I'm talking about.

2. Chewbacca - He's Bigfoot in space. It's a deceptively simple concept that works incredibly well.

1. The fat blue elephant guy who plays the piano in Return of the Jedi (Max Rebo) - By far the most awesome character in Star Wars. He got knocked down a notch when George Lucas insisted on redoing the music in Return of the Jedi. But the Captain EO meets circus synth jam he's playing in the original version of Jedi is teh SHIT. Plus, his keyboard is sweet as all hell. Where do I get one of those? This guy would probably make for the best Halloween costume ever.

Next: The Top 9 Whatever I Want, Bitch! You Got a Problem With That?

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

4. What's the deal with Mark Millar's New Defenders? Here's part of where Marvel went wrong with Last Defenders. Mark Millar's Fantastic Four has, directly after the completion of Last Defenders, introduced a team of New Defenders. Think about that. Casey writes a book called Last Defenders, detailing the ULTIMATE fated destiny of the team, only to have Millar spin out his time-traveling future Defenders in a book featuring another cast of elemental characters. Plus, Millar's gearing up for the Lady Liberators, featuring She-Hulk (a member of the fated Last Defenders), and Valkyrie (a classic Defender).

How did that go down? Was FF editorial too scared to say no to Mark Millar? He is, after all, the new golden boy of the intersection between comic books and movies. Meanwhile, Joe Casey has been Marvel's resident Avengers continuity custodian for the past few years. If Millar is Marvel's rock star renegade writer, Joe Casey is Marvel's team book librarian who makes sure that you don't run down the halls.

3. Did Last Defenders get shorted on promotion from Marvel Comics? Despite his longing to play in the sandbox of continuity nostalgia all day, I saw Joe Casey take a break and go to bat for Last Defenders all over the Internet. And that was nearly all I saw from Marvel regarding this book. There were very few ads for Last Defenders, none of which utilized Jim Muniz's captivating art. And the book's promotion was highly obtuse. No one announced Last Defenders as the end-all love note to Defenders history. That angle may have actually attracted more readers.

2. Was Last Defenders unfairly overlooked by reviewers? Despite Casey's passion for the content and his fairly sophisticated method of storytelling, I saw little-to-no hype on this miniseries from reviewers. I thought it was positively fantastic for most of its issues. And while I concede that the story gets awfully confusing, the final issue wrapped it up nice and neat for me. It created an intriguing blueprint for future Defenders stories.

1. Where are the Last Defenders follow-up stories? Millar obviously had no trouble getting his Defenders approved despite the fact that it blows right past everything that Casey, Giffen, Muniz, Smith, and Fabela just did. The lack of internal Marvel promotion leads me to believe that this book either underwhelmed with sales or simply didn't lineup with the company's future plans. I haven't seen anything suggesting that the Last Defenders lineup will appear anywhere else.

It's a shame that this is all we'll get out of Casey's elegant Last Defenders concept. This story is a smart piece of fallout from Civil War -- but it got released too long after the end of the Civil War event to make a splash. So just like Christopher Priest's The Crew, Dwayne McDuffie's Fantastic Four, and Scott Lobdell's Alpha Flight vol. 3, it looks like Last Defenders now sits on Marvel's list of "to be ignored" superhero stories that took bold steps but never received the recognition they deserved.

Next: The Top 9 Star Wars Characters to Dress Up as for Halloween

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

So what went wrong? I'm no expert, but I am an asshole. That's why I'm only giving you reason nine thru five this week.

9. Was the art accessible enough? I found the story both brilliant and confusing. Jim Muniz, Cam Smith, and Antonio Fabela brought this journey to life in a sort of Ed McGuinness meets Duncan Rouleau way. The art was a big selling point for me, mostly because the stylized visuals took what could have been a painfully old school story and made it impossibly fresh. But was the art too stylized for this book's demographic?

8. Was Last Defenders TOO old school? To say that this could have been "painfully old-school" is not a knock to Joe Casey or Keith Giffen. They both did a great job here, with Giffen co-writing the first few issues and Casey carrying the rest. The story pulls from the Defenders back catalog of adventures in an obsessive way that's just as disorienting as it is fun. This comic was like a thesis statement on Defenders history, sprinkled with non-team team book irony.

7. Was Last Defenders TOO confusing? I truly enjoyed this miniseries but I was truly confused too. The book managed to be equal parts lighthearted and heavy, hitting a balance that I find lacking in modern superhero stories (a.k.a. things get too heavy for me). Still, this comic jumped around a hell of a lot. There were character vignettes that never really paid off (Hellcat, Dr. Strange, Colossus, and Blazing Skull) and there were plenty of Nighthawk moments that still leave me scratching my head. Plus, I'm still not sure I have a grasp on Yandroth's motivation.

6. Wait… what about the archetypes (and where's Silver Surfer)? In an odd stroke of revisionist history, Casey theorizes that the archetypes embodied by Hulk, Namor, Dr. Strange, and Nighthawk comprise the fated essence of the Defenders... except, he says, that they actually don't. According to Casey, you still need a strongman, water elemental, mystic, and airborne inspiration. But they need to be eccentric versions of those archetypes and not the classics. Except that Silver Surfer is the classic airborne Defender, not Nighthawk… right?

5. So are the Last Defenders elemental archetypes or not? Following Casey's end logic, you actually end up needing a team of elementals. She-Hulk = earth, Krang = water, Son of Satan = fire, and Nighthawk = air. I like that. I love elemental collections, especially since Avatar: The Last Airbender (also see the recent Family Dynamic mini from DC Comics, which got the short end of the stick too). And not to be overlooked, the elemental nature of the Fantastic Four is what makes them so streamlined as a team concept. So Casey makes the case for the Last Defenders to be elementals without ever actually saying that's part of the equation. What's the deal with the ambiguity, Joe?

Next: The Top 9 Things That May Have Gone Wrong with Last Defenders - Part Two

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

And now, for your consideration, are the decidedly more irreverent Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don't Need to Be Saved reasons five thru one:

5. Newspaper comic strips are dying because fewer and fewer people want to read newspapers, not because they don't want to read comics. Now they go and read this stuff on the Internet. They're called "webcomics" and those are doing just fine.

4. Seriously, Hollywood wants to give comic books fellatio right now. In fact, they may have already finished the fellatio and moved onto the hardcore doggiestyle section of "Filmstriptease presents Cramming Comics vol 1." Soon they're going to be finishing off vol 1 with a spectacular facial (which could be as soon as Watchmen or as far away as the Avengers movie). It all depends on how long Hollywood can keep it up.

3. Single issues are really a niche product at this point and I don't think there's anything that's going to change that. I'm part of that niche audience and I love the singles, but most people want a bigger chunk of story. If that's the case, let the singles slowly fade away and bring on the graphic novels because...

2. Graphic novel sales continue to look hopeful. Bookstores are carrying graphic novels by the hoard and putting them up in huge floor displays all the time. I don't think that would happen if there wasn't some serious coin to be made. Guys whose names have been on the tip of my tongue for the majority of my natural life are slowly becoming adored literary idols for a new generation of readers. Fuck, I just saw Watchmen sitting on a shelf in Borders in their "Bestsellers" section when I went to buy the Iron Man DVD.

1. Comic book storytelling continues to improve. I see it every week when I read my Wednesday haul of new comics. And at the end of the day, it's all about good content.

Next: The Top 9 Things That May Have Gone Wrong with Last Defenders - Part One

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

You know what? Shut up. That's right. I said it. Just shut the fuck up.

Comics aren't going to "die" and they certainly don't need to be "saved." Here are the top 9 reasons why:

9. Comics are a medium of expression rooted in the most basic form of visual storytelling short of acting -- a picture and some words. How the hell can you "save" that and how could it ever "die"?

8. If you're worried about the modern comic book publishing industry dying, well then that's a whole other thing. But I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon when you have some of the world's most lucrative licensed characters coming out of a long legacy of comic book publishing.

7. While superheroes are bound to fall out of favor in Hollywood in a couple of years, actual interest in physical comics is going up. Trust me, I know. People used to ask me if the movies were anything like the stories. Now they ask me where they can go to buy the comics. Hell, even MTV and the LA Times now have blogs that address comic book news on a daily basis. That's only going to boost interest.

6. This shit is cyclical. Sales of comics will dip and they will rise. They will do that, over and over, until the day humans no longer view printed media and digital projection screens connected to their information boxes.

At some point in the recent past this column became a two-parter thing. Totally defeats the purpose of a having top 9, right? Well that's just the kind of mindfuck arseholeness I'm all about so deal with it!!! The final five reasons why comics don't need to be saved will be here in only seven short days, and I promise they are way more offensive and interesting these these first four reasons.

Next: The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don't Need to Be Saved - Part Two!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

It was way back in The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part One when I wrote about The Top #9-5 Horror / Psychological Anime... but it feels like only nanoseconds ago! Oh well, time flies when you're watching anime. Here's the rest:

4. Paranoia Agent [Buy it on DVD] Satoshi Kon strikes again. This psychological mind fuck had me addicted from the first episode. No more words...go watch this one.

3. Requiem from the Darkness [Buy it on DVD] Scariest anime and above all most disturbing media form I have ever experienced. There is violence from the start and the last few episodes were really horrifying. I'm still in the process of rewatching, slowly inching my way toward what I know will only disgust me, though I'm probably a little numb to the horror by now. Great anime! A must see for both horror and anime fans alike.

2. Higurashi no Naku Koro ni & Higurashi no Naku Koro ni Kai [Buy it on DVD] How could I possibly follow up that last choice...with a delicious little twist called When the Cicadas Cry! It seems like your normal cheesy harem anime, but right from the start you know there's something wrong. It's either the foreshadowed murders at the beginning of each arc or the actual conclusion at the end. Watch the first four episodes. If you're not hooked then turn it off.

1. Doomed Megalopolis [Buy it on DVD] My absolute favorite. Twisted in its own way, I fell in love with the first episode. I won't offer any spoilers or character peeks or anything like that. Just watch this supernatural thriller and prepare to be haunted.

Next: The Top 9 Reasons Why Comics Don't Need to Be Saved - Part One!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

[Check out The Top 9 Psychological Anime at the AudioShocker Amazon Store]

9. Wicked City [Buy it on DVD] This only made the list because I enjoy movies that have spider-women with fanged vaginas. In all seriousness though, this movie is a great find though definitely for adults. I want to talk about the characters because that's where the amusement begins. There's the tall, dark and handsome secret agent man for our world, the pale and beautiful yet secretly monstrous Black World woman, and the horny old man that helps to keep a truce between their worlds. Its even got a woman deep throating a tentacle of sort! It's honestly a really bad neo-noir and altogether awesome movie. I like it cause it doesn't take itself too seriously while balancing a weak story with a lot of general anime horror.

8. Le Portrait de Petit Cossette [Buy it on DVD] Oh man...this has a place in my heart. I knew I was going to like this OVA when i first heard the theme song. Beautiful violins. Not for everyone by any means, this anime is dark in many different ways. The imagery and artistic style is a bit jarring at first but I very much appreciated it upon repeated viewings. My advice: just bear with it...even if you don't like it, there's still an interesting twist worth seeing. I mean, it's only three episodes right?

7. Boogiepop Phantom [Buy it on DVD] Hmmm...took me FOREVER to find and watch this one. I think this one is more interesting than horrific (which is what i like) but it has a Serial Experiments Lain feel to it: not giving away too much in one episode but still making you watch it for its climax. The animation style is wonderful, the colors dark and gray. I can't rave enough about this OVA. I absolutely love it. The stories are so well done that i still have them vividly imprinted on my mind even now. Boogiepop Phantom, though about as dated as Wicked City, has a much darker and more mysterious feel and if you're into that sort of thing...check it out. It's worth it.

6. Ninja Scroll [Buy it on DVD] A giant grin crosses my face when I think of this movie. I remember laying in bed with Nick one night and trying to get him to watch it. Early on in the movie, probably the first fifteen minutes, a monsters blade flashes on the screen and about a dozen men were sliced. Before their bodies hit the ground it was raining blood. Morbid huh? Needless to say, I had to turn it off so my snookims didn't get nightmares. When I watched it in its entirety, I thought it was magnificent. The characters are amazing, ranging from a woman who can not be poisoned to a man whose own body can generate enough electricity to kill. Great movie, great characters, great animation style. Definitely deserves its reputation.

5. Perfect Blue [Buy it on DVD] Satoshi Kon is one of my favorite creators and this movie is none short of genius. More psychological than horror, it bends the mind's perceptions of what is real and what is not. Just like most of Kon's films, you can dig out any meaning you want and still enjoy the film. I've only seen the dubbed version but, like Akira, that was enough for me. Just watch this one. Saying anything else would ruin the surprise.

To be continued in seven short days... (you CAN wait, right?)

Next: The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime - Part Two!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Older women (30ish) are really into dying their hair red. I mean seriously red.

8. The majority of young men have spiky hair; occasionally in faux hawks. All the TV commercials are for pomade and hair clay that promise to keep your spikes straight despite helmets and noogies. This is also a popular hairstyle with the balding set.

7. Everyone wears black pants. It's as if khakis are taboo or something. I feel like a total weirdo in my sand colored slacks.

6. UK Hotels don't have alarm clocks.

4. The toilets here flush like Niagara Falls.

3. Dudes out here resemble really crappy Euro-trash. They love to rock white shoes with white belts. Somehow, they pull girls.

2. Cabbies speak this ridiculous patois. While technically English, it sounds like cockney gibberish.

1. There is a new brunette bartender at O'Neill's Irish Pub in Peterborough. If you ask her for an Irish Carbomb she will charge you separately for a shot of Jameson's, a shot of Baileys, and half a pint of Guinness. Then, she will mix them together all at once creating a curdled concoction that can only be described as 'effing gross'. It will cost $12.

Next: The Top 9 Horror / Psychological Anime! (by Justique, nonetheless!) [The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks is postponed indefinitely!!!]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Enhanced Senses. It's a simple notion. Take the sensory perception of a normal human and turn it up to 11 (thank you, Spinal Tap). As with characters like Wolverine, these senses are often linked to an animalistic connection. But that sort of totemistic power is a completely different thing. Daredevil is a great example of plain enhanced senses, but I personally prefer the enhanced awareness and reaction time of Slade Wilson (a.k.a. Deathstroke).

7. Invulnerability. This is another superpower often paired with other abilities, most commonly super strength. Superman is invulnerable, mostly as an afterthought. Luke Cage comes close to being a pure holder of this power, but he gained some super strength with his invulnerability. You need look no further than Avengers: The Initiative #13 and Emery Schaub (a.k.a. Butterball), a teen who had no special abilities whatsoever aside from the fact that he couldn't get hurt.

6. Telepathy. Don't get me wrong -- telekinesis is great and all, but I'd rather have the full range of someone's thoughts and feelings. Telepathy is the ultimate invasion of personal privacy that seems sort of delicious in a twisted kind of way. Professor Xavier is my favorite telepath, mostly because his power is extensive and he has impressive control over his ability to get into the thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) of others.

5. Agility. Maybe not the most impressive power on this list. In fact, this is probably my "pet power" choice, if only because I've always dreamed of rolling out of leaping somersaults like Nightcrawler or daftly dodging blows like Black Panther. Truthfully, I can't think of a hero who has agility as a singular ability. Tigra's close, but too totemistic. I'll go with none other than the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man as the finest example of the ability to perform fantastic gymnastics.

4. Energy Manipulation. This one's a doozy. I mean, there are so many ways to bend energy, absorb it, and rechannel it out. Endless iterations pop up in comic books because you can draw it however you want, splash it with bright colors, and it looks sweet. My two favorite examples of energy manipulation come in the form of Havok's concentric blasts and Bishop's ability to spray you back with whatever energy you shoot at him. (And of course, the Silver Surfer's Power Cosmic too).

3. Water Manipulation. This one that's a bit obscure and sure to have its detractors. Still, I think the ability to manipulate water is probably one of the most impressive superpowers. Straying from comics, we've seen fantastic examples of water manipulation by Katara in Avatar: The Last Airbender. But in comics, the best example I can think of is Hydro-Man. Yeah, the character is a moron but his powers are absolutely incredible.

2. Density Control. Okay, this one is also a bit obscure. I mean, I actually had to sit down and reason out what density control entails just to write this list. This ability is not to be confused with the mass control of Harry Leland. Instead, I'm talking about Vision's power to fluctuate between intangible and diamond-hard. Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde represent the opposite sides of this power spectrum, while Vision has the ability to make himself both ethereal and super solid with a mere thought.

1. Invisibility. Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, is probably the best pure example of this ability. She also has a host of other awesome tricks she can do that are only tangentially related to hiding herself and other objects from view. And that energy manipulation is extremely awesome. But at the end of the day, she would still have my favorite power of any superhero out there if she just had the ability to hide herself in plain sight.

Next: The Top 9 UK Oddities! [instead of The Top 9 Obscure Movie Soundtracks]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Fantomex's E.V.A.. From Grant Morrison's run on New X-Men comes Fantomex and his mutant gift, which acts as both his external nervous system AND his kickass transportation.

8. Captain America's Motorcycle. Kind of a boring inclusion, but you gotta admit that Cap looks sweet when he's tearing it up on his bike. Bonus points for the use of Cap's motorcycle in the 80s made-for-TV movies.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Turtle Van. Well, in the comics, if I'm not mistaken... it's just a van. But in the cartoon, it was a tricked out mobile fortress! And the toy was pretty excellent as well. TURTLE POWER!

6. Avengers' Quinjet. I feel like I had to include this one not because it's that great but because it's a memorable superhero vehicle.

5. X-Men's Blackbird. I love the Blackbird. Some of the most intense X-Men drama has happened aboard this vessel. If this list were based strictly on good memories, this would be #1.

4. Batman's Batmobile. Yeah, it's the Batmobile. It's classic. It's iconic. Me, I prefer the old school hot rod style Batmobile. The modern ones lack a certain flashy charisma.

3. Fantastic Four's Fantasticar. Look, it splits apart. Isn't that enough for you? Plus, this damn thing has been to how many different dimensions? It's awesome.

2. Wonder Woman's Invisible Plane. It's a plane. It's invisible. It's an invisible plane. How does it work? WHO KNOWS??? What I do know: it rules.

1. Silver Surfer's Board. You really can't top the combination of the Power Cosmic and surfing. I mean, hell, the Silver Surfer is the ultimate mobile superhero! To this day I still pretend I'm the philosophic chromed-out guy-formerly-known-as-Norrin-Radd whenever I use my skateboard to go to the grocery store.

Next: The Top 9 Comic Book Superpowers!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

8. Sitting next to me and texting during the the movie. Ever notice what happens when the movie starts? The lights turn off. That means it goes dark in the theater and any light not coming from the screen is really distracting. Don't sit next to me and text message your stupid friends about the gangbang you're going to after the movie because your annoying cellphone is shining its stupid light in my eyes.

7. Leaving your obnoxious ringtone ready to play at full blast. Cellphone ringtones are glorified midi files with awful melodies and atrocious sound f/x. Still, I'm aware that the majority of Americans are going deaf from listening to their Bon Jovi mp3s too loud on their iPods, so I try to be merciful. But if you refuse to put your cellphone on vibrate and you have an annoying ringtone, either leave the phone at home or don't sit in my theater.

6. Throwing your trash under my feet. I love being a slob at the movies just as much as the next guy. But don't throw your garbage under my seat or anywhere else in my personal sloppy space. I don't want to stand up and step on your half-eaten nachos or your sticky leftover Sour Patch Kids sugar. And I especially don't want to step in a puddle of your warm Dr. Pepper.

5. Pulling on or tugging at my chair as you go to and from your seat. This sounds like an obscure complaint, but it happens all the time. A lot of people out there must be gravity challenged because this never fails to piss me off. When you're in the row behind me and you have to piss in the middle of the movie, don't use the back of my seat as a shaky hand rail on your way out to the bathroom AND on your way back in.

4. Making excessively loud eating noises. Sneaking food into the movies is a grand tradition that I proudly participate in to the fullest. But if you're bringing your own food into the theater, don't eat it so @#$%ing loud that I can't hear the movie. To the guy who sat next to me in Speed Racer -- you don't need to crunch everything with your mouth wide open and then audibly schlurp your fingers clean when you're done.

3. Sitting next to me and eat nasty food. I'll never forget when I went to see the Blair Witch Project. The whiny woman who sat down next to me had a concession stand hot dog, and it smelled like rotting ham. As the lights began to dim, I quickly glanced at the nasty wiener and I kid you not -- it was pale gray. If you're going to eat something gross and/or fetid at the movies, go sit next to someone other than me.

2. Applauding during or after the film. This isn't a concert, jackass. There are no live performers to feel the appreciation of your applause. It's a bunch of still images strung together on a thin strip of gelatin that gets played real fast through a projector. That strip of film doesn't give a @#$% whether you clap or not. Laugh, gasp, scream, whatever. I don't care. Just don't clap for the moving pictures.

1. Kicking the back of my seat. I understand that for some especially tall people out there, certain movie theater seating just doesn't have enough leg room. But is it really necessary to thwack the back of my seat throughout the entire movie? No, it's not. And you're a moron if you do it. And I will turn around and tell you off too -- in the middle of the film with no hesitation -- if it gets to be too much.

More: The Top 9 Things That Suck About Modern Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. The comedy scripts are really dumb and the drama scripts are way too serious.

8. Everything is "dark" all the time. What the fuck does that even mean?

7. Almost every big budget action movie is now a psychological thriller.

6. Catch phrases and reoccurring gags, while formerly being kickass or fun, are now just annoying.

5. Three names that tell me a movie could be better with different actors: Gyllenhaal, Ferrell, and Bale.

4. Do youth always have to be corrupted as their elders reveal a shocking hidden secret?

3. CG in live action films, while having the ability to be excellent, is overused and tends to look like shit.

2. 90 minutes is all I need. If your movie is over 120 minutes, chances are it sucks. A lot.

1. Getting nominated for an Oscar basically means that I will not enjoy watching your movie.

Of course, this doesn't apply to everything. Some superhero films (notably Iron Man and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer) have been excellent. And animated films have been solid (I'm looking at you, Kung Fu Panda).

More: The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. "It's important that you be prepared for anything!" (Book 1 Chapter 5)

8. The Firebending Masters shoot colored flames (Book 3 Chapter 13)

7. Aang becomes a giant water monster to fight the Fire Nation (Book 1 Chapter 20)

6. Katara learns bloodbending and fights Hama (Book 3 Chapter 8)

5. Sokka and Momo trip on cactus juice (Book 2 Chapter 11)

4. Suki captures the Warden at Boiling Rock prison (Book 3 Chapter 15)

3. Wan Shi Tong's Spirit Library (Book 2 Chapter 10)

2. "Flameyo Hotman!" (Book 3 Chapter 2)

1. Aang energybends to take away Fire Lord Ozai's bending ability (Book 3 Chapter 21)

I co-wrote this list with Justique. She nominated a few moments I never would have thought of (see numbers 9, 4, and 1), while I definitely had a few that weren't at the top of her list (in particular, number 3). Then, of course, there were a few unanimous nominations that couldn't be denied (especially numbers 8, 5, and 2).

It's all in your court now, M. Night Shyamalan. If you're going to write, produce, and direct the live action Airbender movies, you better be on the ball. Don't @#$% this one up!!!

Next: The Top 9 Things That Suck About Modern Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

The original 2001 film is definitely in my top 10. It was a great example of how foreign film is totally capable of handing Hollywood its own ass. Sure, it was a romcom, but it was a good one. I was pretty psyched to hear that it was being remade and I followed it for a little while, but eventually lost touch. Fast forward to Sunday when I was looking for art for Monday's post, I remembered that Elisha Cuthbert was slated to play the lead. It was then I realized the dire situation.

9. Remaking Asian movies was a big thing 4 years ago, but it has cooled down a lot since then. Not much hype to cash in on now.

8. Jesse Bradford, the dude from Bring It On? Are you effing serious? The protagonist role calls for a dopey dude, someone more down on his luck and not so smug.

7. Elisha Cuthbert, while ridiculously cute, is way too chipper and perky to play the girl.

6. I'm 75% sure they removed the AWOL soldier scene.

5. The trailer. Don't believe me? Here is a version of the same voice over/dialogue dubbed over footage from the original movie. I think it speaks for itself.

4. The movie posters! Which of these would you rather see? A dude getting a noogie or something resembling a Meg Ryan movie?

3. Anna Faris wasn't cast in the lead role. Did you see Just Friends? She would have been perfect for this. Alternatively, Zooey Deschanel.

2. 99% chance that the girl's catchphrase 'Wanna Die!?' was eliminated

1. The sure sign this was all a terrible idea: direct to DVD!

*Sigh* remakes... more like My Sappy Girl. I really hope the movie proves me wrong. Until then, I will be awaiting the red envelope. (DVD release is scheduled for Aug. 26th)

Next: The Top 9 Best Moments from Avatar: The Last Airbender! (for real this time!!!)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

9. Circus of Crime - It's not that that clowns aren't scary because they are. But a whole crew of baddies based on the entertainment you'd find under a big top? It just seems so innocent and goofy. They're not making me shake in my boots. They may very well be both hilarious AND dangerous, but not intimidating.

8. Vulture - Anyone that can drop me from up high and snap my neck gets a few automatic intimidation points. But the ruffled green suit takes a few of those points away. Then you find out that this guy is a crotchety, frail, and elderly kook. That's when you can say goodbye to all intimidation points.

7. Penguin - Okay, seriously, he is creepy as hell in Batman Returns. But in the comic books, Oswald Cobblepot is a bit jollier and a lot less grimy. He's like a rotund dwarf straight out of some Willy Wonka wonderland. Plus, he has a fantastic umbrella collection. I repeat... an umbrella collection.

6. Baron Zemo - Back when he was bad, Zemo didn't have much in terms of intimidation except for a laser gun and the occasional mind control device. What he did have plenty of, however, was the color fuchsia, watermelon stripes, and snow leopard fur trim. Talk about a costume that really steals away some thunder...

5. Mister Sinister - I think it's the weird arching tassels that function as a cape bridge and a collar at the same time. They make the guy look like a total moron. The "pasty pale with glowing red diamond" look takes his edge away too. This week saw the introduction of Miss Sinister. Will she be more intimidating? Only time will tell.

4. Paste-Pot-Pete - Hahahahahaha! Oh Paste-Pot-Pete, you're such an unfortunate victim of corny 1960s Marvel Comics humor. Partway through your career, you changed your name to Trapster. But it was too late. The damage was already done. You will forever be remembered as Paste-Pot-Pete, no matter how many tricky or ensnaring traps you set.

3. Black Manta - It's the helmet, really. Otherwise, I could go either way. He's not the most impressive bad guy out there, but he's not the weakest wimp on the scene. Still, that bulbous headgear makes me chortle every time. I actually think it looks sweet... for a Halloween costume making fun of a failed sci-fi movie from the 1950s.

2. Goblin Queen - For Maddie Pryor, it really comes down to the whole package. Her weird S&M meets leather straps fetish costume is pretty goofy. The fact that her name is "Goblin Queen" is worth a giggle. And knowing that she's a clone with magic powers? Well, that just makes the entirety of this villain seem rather silly.

1. Blacklash / Whiplash - Unfortunately, having a neon green ponytail coming out of his head kind of negates any intimidation factor present… that, and the flowing fuchsia cape. The costume really makes Mark Scarlotti look silly. I mean, getting hit hard with a whip will always inspire a bit of fear. But that fear is easily erased by laughter as soon as you get a look at this guy.

It's really all about the costume and the look. The powers here are a mix of magic, enhanced strength, super smarts, and expert weaponry. But all of these supervillains have one thing in common: they look lame!

Next: The Top 9 Best Moments from Avatar: The Last Airbender!

EDIT: Nick is otherwise occupied, so Neal will be giving you The Top 9 Reasons Why The My Sassy Girl Remake Will Suck!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that's what I call math.

9. Blob - Would you want to get stuck in this man's folds? I don't think so. Last thing I would want is to be smothered by Fred Duke's fat.

8. Morlun - I've never been more afraid for the safety of a superhero than when Morlun showed up in Amazing Spider-Man and beat the snot out of Spidey.

7. Mystique - A terrorist sociopath that can change her appearance at will. She's intelligent, cunning, violent, and amoral.

6. Sabretooth - Every year, Sabretooth hunts Wolverine down and beats him within an inch of his life. Then Victor Creed goes off and murders someone Wolvie loves.

5. Venom - Now that Mac Gargan bites off limbs and other body parts from other people when he gets hungry, I'm feeling pretty intimidated.

4. Magneto - I fear Magneto's deep convictions. He has the will and physical power to act upon whatever he believes to be right (even if it means death and destruction).

3. Cassandra Nova - Charles Xavier strangled his twin sister to death in the womb, but she survived. Then she savagely massacred 16 million mutants using Sentinels assembled from pieces of scrap.

2. Joker - One minute he could be laughing with you and the next minute he could be torturing you to death. Plus, he enjoys it when Batman beats his face in.

1. Doctor Doom - Victor Von Doom is a mad scientist monarch that's a true master of robotics and disguise (via his Doombots). He's violent, deceptive, and brilliant. Plus, he's into magic and he can time travel.

Common themes? Five out of nine villains predominantly tangle with the X-Men. Though I was raised on X-Men comics (and Marvel Comics, for that matter), that was a bit of a surprise to me. There's also quite a lack of DC Comics supervillains, not to mention characters from other comic book publishers (Shredder, maybe).

Next: The Top 9 Least Intimidating Supervillains!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that's what I call math.

9. What I consider to be a genius synth solo just won't cut it for most people.
8. Do you know how many synthesizer solos there are out there? Exactly, neither do I.
7. Most of my favorite synth lines are actually background parts or repetitive riffs.
6. Almost every single solo on the list would have been played by George Duke.
5. While Raydio has some of the best synth lines ever, they rarely happen as a solo.
4. Do Daft Punk synth parts count as solos or not? They loop them so damn much.
3. The solo from "One Hundred Ways" sounds better sampled in "Rhymes Like Dimes."
2. Synths get used so much now that your favorite flute solo might actually be synth.
1. The only solo locked down on my list was #1: "Blow Your Head" by Fred Wesley & the JB's.

And with that said, there's nothing much else to say. If you have a favorite synth solo, post it in the comments.

Next: The Top 9 Most Intimidating Supervillains!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that's what I call math.

9. Houseguest (1995)
8. Bachelor Party (1984)
7. Irish Jam (2006)
6. My Boss's Daughter (2003)
5. Orgazmo (1997)
4. Screwed (2000)
3. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
2. Soul Plane (2004)
1. Kingpin (1996)

What are some common themes here? Sex, for one. And big losers for another. In fact, every main character is a "loser" or "down on their luck" at the beginning of the film. Pittsburgh is also a reoccurring theme, acting as the setting for Houseguest, Screwed, and a good part of Kingpin.

Notable exceptions to this list are the Naked Gun and Night Shift, if only because they are generally well received and accepted as quality comedy films.

Next: The Top 9 Best Synthesizer Solos!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that's what I call math.

9. Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
8. Karate Cop (1974)
7. Hercules in New York (1970)
6. Shaft (1971)
5. Cemetery Man (1994)
4. Dolemite (1975)
3. Gleaming the Cube (1989)
2. Night of the Juggler (1980)
1. Good Guys Wear Black (1978)

Even when the drama is plain crap in these movies, the action shines through. Notable moments include the extravagant chase scene in Night of the Juggler, the sweet skateboarding action in Gleaming the Cube, and the martial arts prowess of Chuck Norris in both Good Guys Wear Black and Karate Cop (also known as Slaughter in San Francisco).

Next: The Top 9 Best Bad Comedy Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that's what I call math.

9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
8. Blade (1998)
7. Batman: The Movie (1966)
6. X2 (2005)
5. Batman Returns (1992)
4. Iron Man (2008)
3. Batman (1989)
2. X-Men (2000)
1. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

I know what you must be thinking. "Nick," you're saying to yourself, "You are completely out of your @#$%ing mind." But go back and reread the list. The effect should sound something like, "Wait… this list is actually quite brilliant."

So here's the thing: I KNOW that people out there will disagree with me. If you think there's a better Top 9 Best Live-Action Superhero Movies, then post your version in the comments.

However, if you don't post your own version of this Top 9, I will consider my list as unchallenged and therefore the definitive list of Best Live-Action Superhero Movies by default.

More: The Top 9 Ways to Piss Me Off in the Movie Theater!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.