Ed. Note: This will be my last planned 'Girls I Want To Stick It To' post. The inspiration comes too infrequently and all my in-progress drafts are crap. Therefore, I think it is time to end this feature and find something new. I will however leave you with this one last piece.
I dig girls who wear glasses. Spectacles instantly pique my interest and increase sex appeal exponentially. But, I'll spare you the sexy librarian cliches today. Instead, I want to focus on why I prefer girls who wear glasses as opposed to the alternative contact lens and surgical options. I believe glasses are indicative of three things: self respect, personality, and honesty.
Wearing spectacles is an inconvenience: They slip down your nose, break easily, and are easy to lose among other things. They do however allow you to see, and vision is a sense that I value above all others. You have to respect yourself and your body before I can respect you. I am impressed by the girl who is more concerned with seeing well than looking good. (not that the two are incompatible)
Glasses reflect one's personality. Eyewear is as much a part of the fashion industry as are shoes. With no dearth of styles, colors, and labels in a given price range, I think it is plausible to gauge how adventurous one is by their glasses. Does she wear wireframes to the office but Lisa Loeb cateyes on the weekend? It speaks a lot to how she carries herself.
There is little artifice in wearing glasses. Quite the opposite. Glasses show me that a girl can be honest with me. Contacts and refractive surgery are popular because they are cosmetic solutions devised to mask an imperfection. They are the ocular equivalent of fake lashes and bronzer. (yuck) A girl wearing glasses has little to hide and can just be herself.
I don't mean to discriminate against ladies without the need or desire to wear spectacles, but in my book glasses are a go!
Jennifer Aniston is a victim of overexposure. I'm force-fed her image from the Internet, magazines, ads, television, movies, and other media constantly. I wouldn't really care about her either way, but I'm constantly being told by popular opinion that she's sexy and that's just not the truth.
The whole "I'm attractive but I still get nervous and flustered" routine just doesn't do it for me. I get it, Aniston. As an actress, you're like the perennial girl next door. No interest. Sorry.
It certainly doesn't help that I'm not much of a fan either. Friends? No. The Good Girl? No. Along Came Polly? A funny title, but still no. I did like the movie Rumor Has It... because Aniston's character travels to meet the man she thinks is her father only to sleep with him and wake up in his bed the next morning. That's hilariously twisted.
Really all this comes down to is ridiculous celebrity bashing. I mean, isn't that what I'm doing? I don't know Aniston and I'm sure she's actually a pleasant and attractive woman in person. But I'm tired of being sold on her nonexistent silver screen sex appeal, and for that reason I don't want to stick it to her.
A restaurant, that's the inspiration for today's feature. More specifically, a casual dining 'make your own stirfry' restaurant. A supplier was in town and wanted to pitch me on why we should buy his widgets. The data spoke for itself, but old boy is in the business of assuring customers and that means exercising the expense account.
Our server Holly was a trim brunette, either 20 or 24. Dressed in her catering/stagehand uniform she offered us drinks, (teetotal as it was early on Wednesday), and then flitted off to another table. I sat with a view of the wait station and as such was granted unadulterated access to Holly as she punched in orders, filled up drinks and worked her section. It was from this vantage point that I noticed her hair.
At first the pigtails seemed like an afterthought, as in 'crap I'm late for work and I haven't done my hair!' But upon inspection, I noticed the zigzag part, evenness, and symmetry - this coiffure was calculated. Unbraided and short, Holly's pigtails didn't stand at attention like the juvenile version. They started just above the ears and stopped short of her shoulders. I found myself quite distracted and totally unable to concentrate on old boy's entreaties. For the entire meal and sometime afterward I wondered if a hairstyle alone could increase tips.
So, what is the appeal? Why am I so infatuated with a hairstyle generally reserved for toddlers? Sure, there is the schoolgirl angle - but I think it really goes back to The Rockand Vanessa Marcil. Specifically the scene where engaged in 'relations', she asks Nick Cage if he likes her pigtails. Right then me and every other pubescent boy in the crowd pretty much yelled YES. Screw the missiles. Forget the VX nerve gas. Sean Who? We just wanted more pigtail! (This was also the only time I ever wanted to be Nick Cage) I don't think I need to explain this anymore. Either you're with me or you aren't.
me: I think I found my next Girl I Want To Stick It To
ro: Oh yeah? ro: Who
me: Cute Female Vocalist aka Sara Bareilles / Aimee Mann / Fiona Apple / Regina Spektor me: well ok, Aimee Mann isn't really "cute" ro: CFV...where do you come up with this stuff?
Sara Bareilles may have a strong nose, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing and her music is accessible - which I like in my female vocalists. She writes songs that aren't atrocious, spiked with vocoder, or full of the screechy notes that R&B divas are infatuated with.
Aimee Mann's music is like Valium, and that combined with a shot of Jack Daniels is how I get through winter. Thanks Chris, (my roommate from freshman year) for introducing me.
Fiona Apple recorded the best music she ever would when she was 16, but it took me till I was 25 to realize it. That record gets a lot of play according to my iTunes stats. Fiona is sort of the antithesis of a PPG but that pout is pretty attractive.
And Regina! Regina Spektor is too cute for words and it's disarming. One minute you're listening to these sweet love songs and then BAM! she's cursing like a sailor, singing about about ODing, and belting out funny ditties about people fucking to her music.
The conversation ended pretty abruptly since Ro was busy last week, but you get the point. Female vocalists and particularly those who play the piano, (do you play Aimee?), rank pretty high in my book. My friend Evan came to the same conclusion a year or two before I did and he won't let me forget it.
Cute Female Vocalist, I'd love to help you warm up before the show. Don't get it? How about this: I'd like to stick it to you.
her: Happy 7th of July! me: What? her: Isn't today an excellent day? me: It's Monday, overcast, and storming. her: Perfect time to get a jump on the week!
That is the fictional conversation I had earlier with today's subject: the perky positive girl (PPG). PPGs wear permanent smiles and are optimistic to the point of being insufferable. I like to picture Mandy Moore in the first act of Saved.Miley Cyrus and Reese Witherspoon fit the description too. PPGs see good even where there isn't any. It is nearly impossible to bum these girls out. Many have strong religious convictions, but that isn't a rule. Plenty of PPGs would just as readily sidestep that quagmire.
So, how could I be attracted to someone so sickeningly sweet? I suppose it's physics. I radiate a lot of negative energy. I can't help it - I expect the worst. When a PPG enters my space I am acutely aware of it. I am yin and she yang. Less cryptically, opposites attract. Flirtatious arguing ensues and then I'm smitten. Like a battery, we produce a lot of energy (she's the cathode in this simile) and that's kind of sexy.
Lastly, PPGs are in HR terms 'internally motivated'. They will use any means necessary to achieve their goals, and that makes them valuable allies - as long as you don't cross them. You can bet that Bonnie Parker was a PPG during her run with Clyde. Think about how this could work in your favor.
Happy 7th of July Perky Positive Girl. You are right, is an excellent day and I want to stick it to you!
The D.E.Y. - you've heard of them right? Two bilingual rappers anchored by female vocalist and today's subject: Élan Luz Rivera? No? How about the tracks they did with Paula DeAnda or Sean Kingston and Juelz Santana? Well, it's not too late - their LP drops next month, so you still have time to act as if you've been up on them for a minute.
A quick screening test: Looks? Yes. Voice? Natch. Down with DipSet? Sweet. Broadway experience? Bonus. Élan has clearly got it going on - but that alone isn't going to make me crack a fat. In a world of precision-manufactured pop music you need to distinguish yourself or you're just another cute girl on Entourage.
So, what then does Élan bring to the table? The same thing a recently engaged mutual friend of Nick and mine does: her nose. More specifically, how she wrinkles it.
No joke! The way Élan wrinkles her nose when she sings, high up around the top of the bridge, is the sexiest thing ever. Watch the Sean Kingston video and you'll see what I mean. It doesn't even have to be a happy wrinkle! Pouty and angry wrinkles can be sexy too.
Hate your nose? In college, I took an engineering math class called Numerical Methods from a professor named Kenji Shimada. Kenji is big into computer graphics and modeling the human form. One day his lecture went tangent and he tried to explain how math and beauty are related. According to him, mathematical discontinuities make your face unique and interesting. The bridge of your nose is a particular type of discontinuity called a saddle point. Saddle points can be a pain in the ass mathematically speaking (cut to me checking for local extrema in calculus), but without them your face would be two-dimensional and easy to forget - like a kneecap. Your nose adds depth, balance, makes you recognizable, and is unique to you. Think about that the next time you curse your ski slope.
In short: Élan Luz Rivera, your nose puts you head and shoulders above the rest. And yes, I would like to stick it to you.
Anne Hathaway is tops in my book. I know she looks like Maria Menounos if she's wears a lot of makeup - but I'll let it sliiiide.
She's stunning - a real beauty. Seriously, if there were a secret club that beautiful women belonged to, Anne would be sitting next to Cindy Crawford and Salma Hayek. And talk about someone you could take home to mom - one smile and it'd be over! That smile could light up the Mariana's Trench.
Beauty aside, Annie (as she's known to her friends), is a versatile actress. From family friendly Disney movies to heavy Ang Lee dramas, to ridiculous comedies with Steve Carell, she can do it all. She's isn't afraid to use all her assets, or to paraphrase one of the old timers at work, "she ain't afraid to pull the rack out." I say, good observation.
I was both surprised and delighted to discover that Hathaway turned down the lead role in Knocked Up. I disliked that film and I'm glad that Anne saw it the way I did: devoid of humor.
Anne Hathaway. Million dollar smile? Check! Talent and Range? Double Check! Do I want to stick it to her? C-H-E-C-K!
While Kelly Ripa may not be a girl, she is definitely a cougar/milf worth our attention. She makes Regis' talk show bearable and looks effin' amazing for a 38 year old mother of three. I mean jeez, whatever she's doing - it's working!
Kelly is basically everything I want in a sugar mama. Ladies - please take note! If you are searingly hot, loaded, good humored, and short enough to wear heels without making me look bad - you too may qualify. Her soap star past also gives me the impression that she knows how to feign interest - a quality that would really work with my ego.
Lastly, I know it's part of her job to be up on current trends and such - but here at the AudioShocker we dig commitment to pop culture. I bet Kelly would fit right in co-hosting an episode of the AudioShocker Podcast.
Yes you read that headline correctly, I do not want to stick it to SJP. Obviously, there is her resemblance to Dee Snyder. It is well documented so I won't waste ink on it, but it really is uncanny. Also, in Flight of the Navigator - she kind of shouts out Twisted Sister - almost foreshadowing the hilarious reality.
Maybe the real problem is that I can't divorce SJP from Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and The City never entertained me and as a straight teenage guy living in New Haven, it didn't have much for me to relate to. And that would be fine, if there weren't an 'epic' movie being shoved in my face.
Parker hit the career-making-role jackpot with Carrie - but it's a double-edged sword. While she'll be remembered for popularizing Cosmopolitans and Manolos - she'll also be associated with Carrie's narcissism and selfishness. As occasional AS contributor Kirsten 'The Kitchen' notes, "...whenever one of the other girls complains about her life, Carrie finds a way to make a pun and bring the conversation back to herself."
Perhaps I'm just too hung up on SATC, but I'm sorry SJP: I do not want to stick it to you. My sincerest apologies.
Sorry folks - I was in the UK all last week. It kinda sucked. I missed a whole week of TV including BSG. However, more importantly - I missed this:
Yeah, that. Now, say what you will about Lisa Edelstein'sDr. Cuddy and her seemingly permanent dour face, she's got a little sexy to her. She's got style and pulls off skirts extremely well. I'm not going to wax poetic about this or anything. Afterall, I've seen better stripteases by better looking people. I'm just a sucker for pigtails. Thank you Television and Lisa Edelstein for making my Monday bearable.
Ed. Note: This will be my last planned 'Girls I Want To Stick It To' post. The inspiration comes too infrequently and all my in-progress drafts are crap. Therefore, I think it is time to end this feature and find something new. I will however leave you with this one last piece. 
A restaurant, that's the inspiration for today's feature. More specifically, a casual dining 'make your own 
her: Happy 7th of July!
The D.E.Y. - you've heard of them right? Two bilingual rappers anchored by female vocalist and today's subject: Élan Luz Rivera? No? How about the tracks they did with 
Anne Hathaway is tops in my book. I know she looks like Maria Menounos if she's wears a lot of makeup - but I'll let it sliiiide.
While Kelly Ripa may not be a girl, she is definitely a cougar/milf worth our attention. She makes Regis' talk show bearable and looks effin' amazing for a 38 year old mother of three. I mean jeez, whatever she's doing - it's working!
Yes you read that headline correctly, I do not want to stick it to SJP. Obviously, there is her resemblance to Dee Snyder. It is well documented so I won't waste ink on it, but it really is uncanny. Also, in Flight of the Navigator - she 
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