me: I think I found my next Girl I Want To Stick It To
ro: Oh yeah? ro: Who
neal: Cute Female Vocalist aka Sara Bareilles / Aimee Mann / Fiona Apple / Regina Spektor neal: well ok, Aimee Mann isn’t really “cute” ro: CFV…where do you come up with this stuff?
Sara Bareilles may have a strong nose, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing and her music is accessible - which I like in my female vocalists. She writes songs that aren’t atrocious, spiked with vocoder, or full of the screechy notes that R&B divas are infatuated with.
Aimee Mann’s music is like Valium, and that combined with a shot of Jack Daniels is how I get through winter. Thanks Chris, (my roommate from freshman year) for introducing me.
Fiona Apple recorded the best music she ever would when she was 16, but it took me till I was 25 to realize it. That record gets a lot of play according to my iTunes stats. Fiona is sort of the antithesis of a PPG but that pout is pretty attractive.
And Regina! Regina Spektor is too cute for words and it’s disarming. One minute you’re listening to these sweet love songs and then BAM! she’s cursing like a sailor, singing about about ODing, and belting out funny ditties about people fucking to her music.
The conversation ended pretty abruptly since Ro was busy last week, but you get the point. Female vocalists and particularly those who play the piano, (do you play Aimee?), rank pretty high in my book. My friend Evan came to the same conclusion a year or two before I did and he won’t let me forget it.
Cute Female Vocalist, I’d love to help you warm up before the show. Don’t get it? How about this: I’d like to stick it to you.
I think I am a somewhat well dressed fellow considering that I live in a Midwest sinkhole. I don’t rock sweatpants outside the house, my belt matches my shoes, I don’t have a mullet, and I am aware of trends before they appear at Old Navy. I am definitely no Sartorialist, but no one has ever said “Wow Neal you look like shit today” either. I believe this qualifies me to say the following: gladiator sandals are ugly.
I chose to bring this up now that we are in the heat of summer. Everywhere I go, girls are rocking these ridiculous things. It reeks of Crocs. I don’t understand the appeal, or the practicality of fastening and unfastening upwards of 5 buckles. They come in heels, boots, knee highs, flats, etc too. The message is: no matter what kind of shoes you like, we can make them ugly.
You need perfect legs to make the look even remotely palatable - like this, and if the shoes don’t match the outfit - forget it. I imagine this trend is costing American’s hundreds in pedicures. There go all those stimulus checks! Less important, considering what women will endure in the name of fashion, is the total lack of arch support. Perhaps one of our readers can inform me as to how comfortable it is to walk around in these.
I’m not a foot person and neither are most dudes I know, so your shiny complicated shoes are just a big distraction. Wouldn’t you rather that people looked at your smiling face and not your poorly maintained cuticles?
Here’s a mantra: 2 buckles or a T-strap - it looks like crap.
her: Happy 7th of July! me: What? her: Isn’t today an excellent day? me: It’s Monday, overcast, and storming. her: Perfect time to get a jump on the week!
That is the fictional conversation I had earlier with today’s subject: the perky positive girl (PPG). PPGs wear permanent smiles and are optimistic to the point of being insufferable. I like to picture Mandy Moore in the first act of Saved.Miley Cyrus and Reese Witherspoon fit the description too. PPGs see good even where there isn’t any. It is nearly impossible to bum these girls out. Many have strong religious convictions, but that isn’t a rule. Plenty of PPGs would just as readily sidestep that quagmire.
So, how could I be attracted to someone so sickeningly sweet? I suppose it’s physics. I radiate a lot of negative energy. I can’t help it - I expect the worst. When a PPG enters my space I am acutely aware of it. I am yin and she yang. Less cryptically, opposites attract. Flirtatious arguing ensues and then I’m smitten. Like a battery, we produce a lot of energy (she’s the cathode in this simile) and that’s kind of sexy.
Lastly, PPGs are in HR terms ‘internally motivated’. They will use any means necessary to achieve their goals, and that makes them valuable allies - as long as you don’t cross them. You can bet that Bonnie Parker was a PPG during her run with Clyde. Think about how this could work in your favor.
Happy 7th of July Perky Positive Girl. You are right, is an excellent day and I want to stick it to you!
The D.E.Y. - you’ve heard of them right? Two bilingual rappers anchored by female vocalist and today’s subject: Élan Luz Rivera? No? How about the tracks they did with Paula DeAnda or Sean Kingston and Juelz Santana? Well, it’s not too late - their LP drops next month, so you still have time to act as if you’ve been up on them for a minute.
A quick screening test: Looks? Yes. Voice? Natch. Down with DipSet? Sweet. Broadway experience? Bonus. Élan has clearly got it going on - but that alone isn’t going to make me crack a fat. In a world of precision-manufactured pop music you need to distinguish yourself or you’re just another cute girl on Entourage.
So, what then does Élan bring to the table? The same thing a recently engaged mutual friend of Nick and mine does: her nose. More specifically, how she wrinkles it.
No joke! The way Élan wrinkles her nose when she sings, high up around the top of the bridge, is the sexiest thing ever. Watch the Sean Kingston video and you’ll see what I mean. It doesn’t even have to be a happy wrinkle! Pouty and angry wrinkles can be sexy too.
Hate your nose? In college, I took an engineering math class called Numerical Methods from a professor named Kenji Shimada. Kenji is big into computer graphics and modeling the human form. One day his lecture went tangent and he tried to explain how math and beauty are related. According to him, mathematical discontinuities make your face unique and interesting. The bridge of your nose is a particular type of discontinuity called a saddle point. Saddle points can be a pain in the ass mathematically speaking (cut to me checking for local extrema in calculus), but without them your face would be two-dimensional and easy to forget - like a kneecap. Your nose adds depth, balance, makes you recognizable, and is unique to you. Think about that the next time you curse your ski slope.
In short: Élan Luz Rivera, your nose puts you head and shoulders above the rest. And yes, I would like to stick it to you.
Anne Hathaway is tops in my book. I know she looks like Maria Menounos if she’s wears a lot of makeup - but I’ll let it sliiiide.
She’s stunning - a real beauty. Seriously, if there were a secret club that beautiful women belonged to, Anne would be sitting next to Cindy Crawford and Salma Hayek. And talk about someone you could take home to mom - one smile and it’d be over! That smile could light up the Mariana’s Trench.
Beauty aside, Annie (as she’s known to her friends), is a versatile actress. From family friendly Disney movies to heavy Ang Lee dramas, to ridiculous comedies with Steve Carell, she can do it all. She’s isn’t afraid to use all her assets, or to paraphrase one of the old timers at work, “she ain’t afraid to pull the rack out.” I say, good observation.
I was both surprised and delighted to discover that Hathaway turned down the lead role in Knocked Up. I disliked that film and I’m glad that Anne saw it the way I did: devoid of humor.
Anne Hathaway. Million dollar smile? Check! Talent and Range? Double Check! Do I want to stick it to her? C-H-E-C-K!
While Kelly Ripa may not be a girl, she is definitely a cougar/milf worth our attention. She makes Regis’ talk show bearable and looks effin’ amazing for a 38 year old mother of three. I mean jeez, whatever she’s doing - it’s working!
Kelly is basically everything I want in a sugar mama. Ladies - please take note! If you are searingly hot, loaded, good humored, and short enough to wear heels without making me look bad - you too may qualify. Her soap star past also gives me the impression that she knows how to feign interest - a quality that would really work with my ego.
Lastly, I know it’s part of her job to be up on current trends and such - but here at the AudioShocker we dig commitment to pop culture. I bet Kelly would fit right in co-hosting an episode of the AudioShocker Podcast.
Yes you read that headline correctly, I do not want to stick it to SJP. Obviously, there is her resemblance to Dee Snyder. It is well documented so I won’t waste ink on it, but it really is uncanny. Also, in Flight of the Navigator - she kind of shouts out Twisted Sister - almost foreshadowing the hilarious reality.
Maybe the real problem is that I can’t divorce SJP from Carrie Bradshaw. Sex and The City never entertained me and as a straight teenage guy living in New Haven, it didn’t have much for me to relate to. And that would be fine, if there weren’t an ‘epic’ movie being shoved in my face.
Parker hit the career-making-role jackpot with Carrie - but it’s a double-edged sword. While she’ll be remembered for popularizing Cosmopolitans and Manolos - she’ll also be associated with Carrie’s narcissism and selfishness. As occasional AS contributor Kirsten ‘The Kitchen’ notes, “…whenever one of the other girls complains about her life, Carrie finds a way to make a pun and bring the conversation back to herself.”
Perhaps I’m just too hung up on SATC, but I’m sorry SJP: I do not want to stick it to you. My sincerest apologies.
So, I got back a couple days ago from my Memorial Day vacation in Folly Beach, SC. FB is about 25 minutes from Charleston (owing in large part to the 30mph speed limit on the island). This was my 2nd annual trip with 13 other kids from this ridiculous hamlet I am loathe to call home.
We ate Cocoa Pebbles in the morning, sat on the beach during the day, and watched the Karate Kid trilogy at night. It is worth noting that we aimed to consume a lot of YeungLing and ignore work/ cellphones. In these endeavors we were successful. I also finally understand the importance of SPF 30 and what this crazy ’sunburn’ thing is.
If you are lucky enough to have a friend with access to a large beach house I recommend you take advantage of it - right now! Book a ticket, gas up the whip, pump up your bike - do what it takes - but GO!
And with that - I give you the least incriminating photos of the trip, (thanks for the pictures Todd).
Sunrise on the beach.
The Cougar Club at The College of Charleston. Think about it.
Sorry folks - I was in the UK all last week. It kinda sucked. I missed a whole week of TV including BSG. However, more importantly - I missed this:
Yeah, that. Now, say what you will about Lisa Edelstein’sDr. Cuddy and her seemingly permanent dour face, she’s got a little sexy to her. She’s got style and pulls off skirts extremely well. I’m not going to wax poetic about this or anything. Afterall, I’ve seen better stripteases by better looking people. I’m just a sucker for pigtails. Thank you Television and Lisa Edelstein for making my Monday bearable.
Women’s volleyball is one of the sexiest team sports around - and I am not talking about the beach ‘n bikini variety.
For years, I associated volleyball with high-fiving watch-check flexing Naval Aviators and overtanned dudes in sandlots surrounded by ESPN cameras.
Nay, it wasn’t until my chi-chi education, at Choate Rosemary Hall, that I had my revelation. What changed my mind? I’ll tell you what it wasn’t: mandatory team sports participation — but that is a discussion for another day.
Everything about the female volleyball uniform exudes sex. Refer to the figure at right.
The tiny spandex shorts accentuate the gluteals and give even the stumpiest of ladies a willowy profile. Kneepads (not shown) serve double duty: adding contrast to the outfit and providing some much kneeded (har har) protection. Jerseys vary from the small and clingy (shown) to the baggy and NBA-esque. Ponytails, frenchbraids, and the occasional headband are the coiffures of choice.
If that sounds good at rest - imagine it in motion. From the first set to the last desperate bump pass, ladies volleyball is a multi-sensory experience. Powerful serves yield resonating thumps - quickly drowned out by grunts, heel screeches, and players calling out “I got it!” As the game progresses you can feel the breeze of every vengeful spike and dive. And when the final volley ends you can smell defeat, while across the net the winners huddle together jumping and cheering.
The composite effect is in a word, mesmerizing.
In summary: Volleyball Girl - I want to stick it to you. Shorts, kneepads, ponytail, and all.
her: Happy 7th of July!
The D.E.Y. - you’ve heard of them right? Two bilingual rappers anchored by female vocalist and today’s subject: Élan Luz Rivera? No? How about the tracks they did with 
Anne Hathaway is tops in my book. I know she looks like Maria Menounos if she’s wears a lot of makeup - but I’ll let it sliiiide.
While Kelly Ripa may not be a girl, she is definitely a cougar/milf worth our attention. She makes Regis’ talk show bearable and looks effin’ amazing for a 38 year old mother of three. I mean jeez, whatever she’s doing - it’s working!
Yes you read that headline correctly, I do not want to stick it to SJP. Obviously, there is her resemblance to Dee Snyder. It is well documented so I won’t waste ink on it, but it really is uncanny. Also, in Flight of the Navigator - she 
Women’s volleyball is one of the sexiest team sports around - and I am not talking about the beach ‘n bikini variety.
