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The M&M Cru vs. ACDC Battle Is Over

Published
by
neal
on August 7, 2008
in TV
. 2 Comments

Yes. I’m two days late with this - but I don’t have cable and DVDs are a hell of a drug. Monday night at the Teen Choice Awards (hosted by Miley Cyrus natch), the M&M Cru had their live onstage battle with the Adam/Chu Dance Crew. See for yourself.

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According to the Applause-O-Meter, The M&M Cru won. It figures that a million jumpy tweeny girls would pick the most popular tweeny girl in the country. That’s all fine and good; it is the Teen Choice Awards afterall.

The thing is, Miley can’t dance (I mentioned that on Saturday), and it shows. She was outclassed from the get go. I mean, bringing LL Cool J to a dance battle, is a bit like eating noodles with a knife - a desperate attempt at best. Is Miley even old enough to remember LL’s hits? And - the Rerun dance? Come on, nothing is more played out and cliche than poppin’ and lockin’. What is this, Breakin? I think Miley treated this whole thing like a joke because she knew the endgame from the onset. Was there ever really a chance that she was going to lose? Starpower wins every time.

Of course, no one used starpower quite like the ACDC. Throughout the course of the battles, the ACDC employed dozens of members, the Jabbawockez crew, Chris Brown, LiLo, and even an invalid Adam Sandler! Still, they came to this party with their game faces on and walked away empty handed. There is some internet chatter saying that the ACDC recycles all their choreography. Perhaps that was the problem. I did my own visual research, and while it is true - ACDC still has better moves.

Lastly, why did they chose Fergie as the impartial moderator? Could they have found someone less qualified? Miley’s dance skills suck, but Fergie… chickenhead can. not. dance. at. all. That hip wiggle thing does not count.

The Bottom Line: ACDC got robbed!

AIMcast 03 - 90210, Skinny Jeans, Twilight, Harry Potter, and Sasha Grey

Published
by
neal
on August 5, 2008
in AIMcast Episodes
. 2 Comments

So, what’s a blogger to do when his partner in crime goes home for the weekend? Does he go on an all-out bender? Get all emo? Repress the emotional turmoil? Or, does he call up two fine young ladies and start an AIMcast? Yeah, that’s it. Join us as we discuss: 90210, How I Met Your Mother, Shia LeBeouf, Miley Cyrus, Twilight, American Apparel ads, Sia, Spring Standards, pop rocks, and waaaaaay more. Extra special thanks to my guests Rohini and Kirsten.

AIM: boomcity 8/3/08 8:14 PM
Neal has joined this chat.
Kirsten has joined this chat.
Kirsten: I meant to have the season premiere of Mad Men watched by now
Kirsten: but I don’t
Kirsten: I don’t want any spoilers
Neal: OK.
Neal: Well, let’s get started and hopefully Ro will pop in.
Kirsten: So what’s up?
Neal: Well, let’s see - NASA discovered - or claims to have discovered - water on Mars.
Kirsten: Liquid water?
Neal: Ice. But maybe a little liquid too?
Neal: I mean, even ice is a big deal
Kirsten: I thought we knew about ice?
Kirsten: I’m not super up on my Mars discoveries though
Kirsten: I thought there were traces of polar ice caps
Neal: I think no matter what, if we ever get people there it’ll just be like that movie Event Horizon
Neal: i.e. blood. dead bodies. and zero G fire
Kirsten: I never saw Event Horizon
Kirsten: so I don’t know
Neal: It was unnecessarily scary.

Continue reading ‘AIMcast 03 - 90210, Skinny Jeans, Twilight, Harry Potter, and Sasha Grey’

FNMTV - Miley Cyrus, David Banner, Hawthorne Heights, and All Time Low

Published
by
neal
on August 3, 2008
in Music and TV
. 0 Comments

So, after a dismal showing last week, FNMTV returns with 2 live performances by Miley Cyrus and some other less important stuff. How do this week’s videos stack up? Perhaps you should just keep on reading:

Miley Cyrus - 7 Things (Live)
Easily the best live performance ever on FNMTV. This is also 679 times better than the real video. Notice how Miley plays to the camera instead of the crowd and wears herself out from all the running around. I have to say, the girl has energy.

Hawthorne Heights - Rescue Me
Let this be a lesson that a Les Paul and a Flying V will not save your video (or band) from sucking. Basically, there is a crappy band with skinny ties and a girl playing Harry Houdini with technicolor stuff in the water. I’m not sold.

David Banner - Shawty Say ft. Lil Wayne
Basically… be nice to your lady and raise your kids. Otherwise, David Banner is going to sample a Lil Wayne track and then blow your lady’s back out while you sit at home. alone. At least, I think that’s the point - Banner mumbles a lot.

All Time Low - Poppin
Oh I get it. It’s another video making fun of suburban white kids and their love of gaudy hip hop style and trappings. Isn’t making fun of a cliche even more cliche? Also, this band blows. They sound like what garbage would sound like, if garbage sang and played instruments.

Miley Cyrus - Fly on The Wall (Live)
Miley, you were doing so well until this! I can’t bring myself to say good things about this. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t a B-52s cover. And the secret spy dancers? Come on, we all know you can’t dance. (Of course, I can’t wait to see the end of the battle on Monday)

The bottom line: It’s kind of a wash, but Miley Cyrus still places above everyone else this week. Till next time.

The Mummy 3 - TXT Message Review

Published
by
neal
on August 3, 2008
in Movies and TXT Message Reviews
. 0 Comments

So, my friend Ryan is moving to England till the end of the year. It’s great for his career, but terrible for my social life. Since he flies out tomorrow, I met up with Ryan for brews and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Afterward, I flipped my phone to give the Nick the rundown. (btw, that movie is great) As usual, 160 characters or less:

Too many one-liners, even for a movie about mummies - but otherwise enjoyable. Also, Maria Bello >> Rachel Weisz.

Jet Li as The Dragon Emperor in The Mummy 3

Side note: did you know Michelle Yeoh is 46!? I think I may have found the next Cougar I Want To Stick It To. Rahr!

Top 9 Reasons Why The My Sassy Girl Remake Will Suck

Published
by
neal
on August 2, 2008
in Movies and The Top 9
. 0 Comments

Nick isn’t the only one who can do one of these Top 9 Lists. While he takes the week off, let’s take a minute to chat about My Sassy Girl.

The original 2001 film is definitely in my top 10. It was a great example of how foreign film is totally capable of handing Hollywood its own ass. Sure, it was a romcom, but it was a good one. I was pretty psyched to hear that it was being remade and I followed it for a little while, but eventually lost touch. Fast forward to Sunday when I was looking for art for Monday’s post, I remembered that Elisha Cuthbert was slated to play the lead. It was then I realized the dire situation.

9. Remaking Asian movies was a big thing 4 years ago, but it has cooled down a lot since then. Not much hype to cash in on now.

8. Jesse Bradford, the dude from Bring It On? Are you effing serious? The protagonist role calls for a dopey dude, someone more down on his luck and not so smug.

7. Elisha Cuthbert, while ridiculously cute, is way too chipper and perky to play the girl.

6. I’m 75% sure they removed the AWOL soldier scene.

5. The trailer. Don’t believe me? Here is a version of the same voice over/dialogue dubbed over footage from the original movie. I think it speaks for itself.

4. The movie posters! Which of these would you rather see? A dude getting a noogie or something resembling a Meg Ryan movie?

My Sassy Girl (2001) Movie Poster My Sassy Girl (2008) Movie Poster

3. Anna Faris wasn’t cast in the lead role. Did you see Just Friends? She would have been perfect for this. Alternatively, Zooey Deschanel.

2. 99% chance that the girl’s catchphrase ‘Wanna Die!?’ was eliminated

1. The sure sign this was all a terrible idea: direct to DVD!

*Sigh* remakes… more like My Sappy Girl. I really hope the movie proves me wrong. Until then, I will be awaiting the red envelope. (DVD release is scheduled for Aug. 26th)

Next: The Top 9 Best Moments from Avatar: The Last Airbender! (for real this time!!!)

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is a better number. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Bow Wow - Marco Polo Is Not Peekaboo

Published
by
neal
on July 30, 2008
in Music
. 4 Comments

In Sunday’s FNMTV post I promised a full length review of Bow Wow’s new video Marco Polo ft. Soulja Boy and I aim to please. My only regret is that I can not write a positive review. Unlike Bow Wow’s last collaboration, Girlfriend, Marco Polo just plain sucks.

The Track: Ok. Marco Polo, is that supposed to be slang? I don’t get it. The beat is ridiculous and is basically a ripoff of Jibbs’ Chain Hang Low. The speed up/slow down chorus isn’t helping either. You might be tempted to call it ‘call and response,’ but I’d like to propose something different: retarded.

Bow Wow’s last few singles have made it clear that he can’t carry a song by himself. What’s worse is that the current hiphop climate enables and encourages this. To his credit, Bow Wow does put up two verses to Soulja Boy’s one. Soulja Boy’s delivery is weak and borders on monotone at times. How this kid got a deal is beyond me. He seems content to just shit all over the track and call it a wrap.

Marco Polo is a cut and dry brag track, but it does have a couple comical lines.

Went to the mall and I blacked out / Now my closet full of J’z like a crackhouse.

This is not the matrix, but I am the Oracle. Do you want to get me with me? The question is rhetorical.

Of course there are plenty of poorly conceived lines too. ‘First one to put ice in a G Shock‘ So you put diamonds in a cheap plastic watch. How does this make you a baller? S.O.B. cause girls love the initials. last time I checked, being an SOB wasn’t sweet at all.

There is way too much name/brand dropping on this cut. I think rappers need to cut back, or at least stop promoting the same gaudy shit. Louis Vuitton peaked in the 60s. Oh, and ‘the next Will Smith’? Sure. Whatever you say.

The Video: Basically, Bow Wow and Soulja Boy are doing community service cleaning up a beach/pool. They get bored and decide to have a ‘tween beach/pool party. Marco Polo is a pool game so, that’s how they tie it back to the track.

The connection is tenuous at best, and it certainly doesn’t help that no one is actually playing Marco Polo. More importantly - when did Marco Polo become Peekaboo? And the subtitles. I think this video was made for illiterate, man-babies who need something to watch while Blue’s Clues is on hiatus. The video girls are cute and all - but I can tell that this video is definitely for the teenage set. The whole thing reminds me of a 15 year old’s MySpace inspired fantasy.

I’ve said it before, but Bow Wow really really really wishes he was T.I. He is jocking his style way too hard. He’s even trying to copy homeboy’s body language. Honestly, If I were T.I. (or T.I.P.) I would have to sue. Soulja Boy on the other hand is just the newest member of the ‘how stupid can I look on camera club’. The sunglasses, the backpack, the board ’shorts’. If you ever want to be taken seriously - wear clothes that fit. I can no longer tolerate dress sized white T’s, beaters, long shorts, and other ridiculous fashion choices. I know Bow Wow can dress better - he used to hang out with Omarion for chrissakes!

Oh, and speaking of jocking styles, when did Bow Wow start thinking he was Mike Jones? The phone number at the end was genius self promotion - but how could you rip that off 3 years after the fact?

The Bottom Line: Soulja Boy sucks. Bow Wow can’t do a solo track. This video is an embarassment to hiphop.

Girls I Want To Stick It To - Pigtail Girl

Published
by
neal
on July 28, 2008
in Misc
. 1 Comment

Elisha Cuthbert pretty much sums up my predisposition to blonde too.A restaurant, that’s the inspiration for today’s feature. More specifically, a casual dining ‘make your own stirfry‘ restaurant. A supplier was in town and wanted to pitch me on why we should buy his widgets. The data spoke for itself, but old boy is in the business of assuring customers and that means exercising the expense account.

Our server Holly was a trim brunette, either 20 or 24. Dressed in her catering/stagehand uniform she offered us drinks, (teetotal as it was early on Wednesday), and then flitted off to another table. I sat with a view of the wait station and as such was granted unadulterated access to Holly as she punched in orders, filled up drinks and worked her section. It was from this vantage point that I noticed her hair.

At first the pigtails seemed like an afterthought, as in ‘crap I’m late for work and I haven’t done my hair!’ But upon inspection, I noticed the zigzag part, evenness, and symmetry - this coiffure was calculated. Unbraided and short, Holly’s pigtails didn’t stand at attention like the juvenile version. They started just above the ears and stopped short of her shoulders. I found myself quite distracted and totally unable to concentrate on old boy’s entreaties. For the entire meal and sometime afterward I wondered if a hairstyle alone could increase tips.

So, what is the appeal? Why am I so infatuated with a hairstyle generally reserved for toddlers? Sure, there is the schoolgirl angle - but I think it really goes back to The Rock and Vanessa Marcil. Specifically the scene where engaged in ‘relations’, she asks Nick Cage if he likes her pigtails. Right then me and every other pubescent boy in the crowd pretty much yelled YES. Screw the missiles. Forget the VX nerve gas. Sean Who? We just wanted more pigtail! (This was also the only time I ever wanted to be Nick Cage) I don’t think I need to explain this anymore. Either you’re with me or you aren’t.

The bottom line: Pigtails. Yes please!

FNMTV - Danity Kane, Bow Wow, Chromeo, and Toyko Police Club

Published
by
neal
on July 27, 2008
in Music and TV
. 1 Comment

Only 4 videos this week? FNMTV is really dropping the ball. Well, I don’t have a ton of time this weekend anyway, so our quickies will have to be even quicker.

Danity Kane - Bad Girl
Diddy’s girls make a mockery and tries to cash in on the comic book movie trend. Missy Elliot drops a verse too. Oh, and there are some costume changes that go by too fast to appreciate. Mannequins have more personality than these ladies.

Bow Wow - Marco Polo
Wow. I have way too much to say about this - so I’ll save it for this week’s full length music video review. Watch out for that early next week. short version: trite unrepentant tween garbage.

Chromeo - Momma’s Boy
This is a 2008 update of A-Ha’s Take on Me with a vocoder and without the falsetto) Not sure I dig the thematic content though. Seems a bit too Elektra/Odepius.

Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Live)
Hey TPC has anyone ever told you that you’re like a really shitty version of The Shins combined with The Strokes?

Chromeo wins the award for least terrible video this week.

Down With The Delay Double! I Heard You the First Time

Published
by
neal
on July 24, 2008
in Music
. 2 Comments

I’d like to discuss a trend that has become an increasing annoyance: the ‘delay double’ (yes, I just coined that term). We’ve talked about doubles on the podcast before. Basically, a double is when you record a line a second time, slightly different and layer it back over the original. Puffy explained this really well in an episode of Making the Band. Pretty much everyone does doubles. They are easy to do and give tracks a little oomph.

Proper doubles are subtle and they don’t call attention to themselves. Listen to 99 Problems by JayZ. You barely notice it, but Jay doubles during the chorus. It adds a whole new acoustic dimension. This is what Puffy was getting at.

A ‘delay double’ is when you repeat a certain line or excerpt again for emphasis - but it’s delayed a second or two. For example, you may hear something like ‘Shorty be the hottest thing I ever seen,’ followed quickly by ‘I ever seen’. Often it will be whispered or hushed and extended.

Delay doubles are used extensively in hip hop and pop music. The reasoning is simple: it’s easy and it simulates a listener repeating his favorite part of a lyric. If you hear a particularly good punchline, the kind that makes you go ‘ooooo snap!’ and hip hop heads live for, you may be tempted to repeat the last two or three words. That is what the delay double is after. Producers are trying to encode this reaction into the track up front.

A prime example of offensive delay doubling is Bustit Baby by Plies. Take a listen. He does it on every. single. line. First, there are no punchlines worth repeating. Second, even if there were - repeating the last two words of each line is just plain annoying; your listeners are not deaf! Someone please clue me in - how does this sell records? Is this what’s hot in the street? Is this what you’d call really hood? Sadly, this is not an isolated incident.

Usher and Jeezy are both guilty of misdemeanor delay doubling on Love in This Club. I think I could cosign the delay if it were used a little more sparingly, but things as they are, I want to slap every artist employing it. Other offenders include: Destiny’s Child (Soldier), Mariah Carey (Touch My Body), The Dream’s (I Luv Ur Girl) and heaps and heaps of others. Even Mos Def must be brought to task (Ghetto Rock)!

I’m sorry to say it, but delay doubles may one day unseat the vocoder as the worst thing to ever happen to music.

FNMTV - Jonas Brothers, Shwayze, Nelly, and Slipknot

Published
by
neal
on July 20, 2008
in Music and TV
. 0 Comments

It’s another installment of FNMTV, 5 super quick music video reviews from the master of vitriol (me). This week’s videos were ‘easy listening’ for the most part. Don’t believe me? Check them out for yourself.

Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up (Live)
OMFG it’s Hanson! No wait, it’s a non-girl-looking version of Hanson that wishes it was Maroon 5. As usual, this live performance is kind of half-assed. Watch the real video instead. It’s stupid, but Danny Trejo is in it for like 3 seconds. That dude is awesome.

Nelly - Body On Me
Uhm… Did Nelly and Ashanti get back together? Am I that out of the loop? Didn’t he crush her and she was doing late night drivebys or something? Either way, this is a pretty low impact video. Akon’s voice is nearly tolerable for once too. Nothing special or even that flashy here. Surprising considering the whole thing takes place in a casino.

Shwayze - Corona and Lime
I won’t comment on how ridiculous Shwayze is as a concept. You can read the artist bio yourself. The video is funny enough though. It’s a little California Girls and a little Weird Al. That said, these have to be the whitest and least freaky deaky ‘video-hos’ ever. You could take this video home to mama or show it to your 8 year old.

Slipknot - Psycho Social
All I know about Slipknot is that they have a lot of drummers and they like masks. Both were present and I think I saw a tympany too. There is some stuff on fire - giant paper mache heads I believe. Who writes the treatments for these videos? If I were a record label exec I would be thinking, “My toddler’s nightmares are more creative than this.”

Lesley Roy - I’m Gone, I’m Going
Only two words to describe this: CHUBRIL LAVIGNE.