I am considering picking up this new joint, Robopocalypse - by Daniel Wilson, since the first chapter/intro were good and Stephen King cosigned it.

Eli Sister and his brother Charlie are hired guns working for a shady Character called the Commodore out in Oregon City. Their last assignment left them with dead horses and bruised egos. Their latest involves tracking down a rogue prospector named Kermit in San Francisco. Throughout their journey, Eli discovers oral hygiene, Charlie gets drunk, and the bodies pile up.

Told from Eli's point of view, the book is full of family tension and a humorous self loathing due to an outsized reputation for violence. My favorite part would be the rather caustic description of San Francisco and the Gold Rush. As someone who is constantly being harangued about mission style tacos, the bay area tech scene, and SF coffee - I found it all rather fitting.

I don't know much about Westerns or frontier joints, but The Sisters Brothers is a fairly quick read, you won't get mired in umpteen characters, and the narrative rarely skips a beat. The plot may be sad, but the journey is hilarious.

And with that, this week's open forum book club is officially open. What up?

This past weekend I finished Kyle Smith's Love Monkey. The run down: our protagonist, 32 year old Tom Farrell, works at a tabloid called (har har) Tabloid as a robotically uninspired hack. Tom drinks too much. He exercises too little. He loathes himself just the right amount. Unsurprisingly, he has girl problems. He pines for a woman he can't have and is surrounded by others who are looking for something better. So, he takes life lessons from his dubiously successful friends, and music legends of old (Michael Stipe & Mick Jagger). Somehow he gets a bunch of these women in bed, juggles them, and then he fucks it all up. Excited yet? You really shouldn't be. Tom sucks. I hate Tom.

What strikes me about Smith was how quickly he and his protagonist simultaneously draw inspiration from Nick Hornby's High Fidelity and then trashes it at the same time (seriously, it is all but called out by name) -- all within the first 40 or so pages. Given how quickly Smith returns to musical references and plays up Tom's preferences for this album over that album and how much he talks about music, it seems hypocritical to be so down on Nick.

What the book does well is embody Tom's personal desires and aspirations in his closest friends. His desire to get married. His desire to settle down. His desire to have a kid and be happy. And his diametric opposite: his desire to be a tall, black, cut, rich, casanova who doesen't give a shit about any woman (but who ultimately is just as personally tortured by a lost love as Tom is). There's this scene in a strip club where shit just goes haywire. I read that whole section as the inner workings of a really bad drunk/depression/breakdown.

It doesn't surprise me that Tom's self described 'manboy' personality is as detestable to me as it is to all the ladies he meets. He tries to internalize all the lessons thrown at him, and he learns from each of the ladies he gets involved in, but ultimately he satisfies none of them. He's too busy trying to be all things to all people.

In the aftermath (and well worn territory) of Sept 11th, Smith addresses things like terror sex (first identified to me via a now defunct [but VERY cool] blog called The Black Table) and how unrealistic we are. Are we trying to have it all -- and is that even a reasonable expectation? Tom couldn't - but if you need a funnier, more uplifting depiction from a female's POV, queue up any recent season of 30 Rock.

--- Ok, that's what I read. Now please, tell me what you are up to, literarily speaking.

That said, I know the AS audience is nowhere near my level of progress with 2010/11 novels. So, here's what we are going to do. I am going to give you a big list of recent books (emotional, scifi, weird, bad, comedy, prize winning), and every Friday I am going to use this space to host an open book discussion form. Any title. Just start commenting and I will respond. Hopefully Pete will contribute, but I'll do my best to spice it up with brief related edititorial content. Maybe a link to amazon or an alternate book cover or something - I don't know, I'm just winging it here. I may have discussed some of these books on the main podcast, but you probably weren't listening.

The point is, summer is a great time to pick up a book and read - and with plenty of sunshine and weekend reading time ahead of you - you should all be tearing through at least one book a week. For those of you who think books are heavy, cumbersome, or don't provide enough secondary distractions, Kindles & Nooks are cheaper than ever, so there really is no excuse. Hopefully I will see some of you back here next Friday.

And now, without further adieu, the AudioShocker 2011 Open Forum Book Club reading list:

• Room by Emma Donahue (moving to say the least)
• Skippy Dies by Paul Murray (pretty long actually)
• Swamplandia! by Karen Russell (gators!)
• Kraken by China Meiville (last summer we covered The City & The City by China)
• Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart (it's weird)
• Bossypants by Tina Fey (look, its funny)
• A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan (won the Pulitzer)
• And whatever else I read later this month, perhaps Jim Shepard or this Kyle Smith book on my table.
• Or whatever YOU propose. God knows I'm always looking for a good book recommendation - but NO embossed covers.

I recently started drinking Ketel One Vodka. Why? Because it makes an exceptionally smooth Vodka Soda, and it is cheaper than Grey Goose. (come on people, C.R.E.A.M) Anyway, as of today, Ketel One's website is under construction, and this is wholly unacceptable. How does a major brand, especially one associated with liquor/spirits giant Diageo, get away with such an egregious marketing violation? Let's do some research.

A quick Whois query shows that the domain name has been registered since 1995 (actually, surprising forward looking given the time), but the domain is curiously set to expire in November of this year - pending intervention by the parent/registrar. Basically, this means that Ketel One has had at least 16 years to get it's shit together, and at least 13 years before the Diageo partnership.

Next, the WayBack Machine will prove that Ketel One has had a functional website since 1996. It had a background texture, grainy images, incorporated several links, and got to the point quite quickly: Ketel One is...the smoothest vodka imaginable. This website ran through 1997. From 1998-2000, things got a little more better, fixed width layout, more graphic navigation, martini recipes -- even a 'free video'.  2000-2008 brought various version of a flash based/intro-ed website. Post 2008, the WayBack Machine has no data, but the copyright/last update date on the current website is from 2009.

Ad Age reports that Grey Worldwide took over the Ketel One account back in 2009, and launched the 'Gentlemen, this is vodka" campaign back in Q2 of that same year. So then, perhaps there was a time lag associated with the changeover. But wait, the website copyright hasn't changed since 2009, and the copy on the website reflects the current campaign. I am going to hypothesize that Grey has been in control of the site since they got the account. Does that mean the site has been under construction for almost two years? [Since I don't have the WayBack Machine to prove my case for 2009-2011, I'm appealing to all of you for the facts]

If Grey were my agency , and they tried to sell me on a placeholder website for any longer than a month, I would have fired them on the spot [nothing personal against Grey!]. I acknowledge that according to the Diageo website, Ketel One is not a 'Global Priority Brand' -- but still, the marginal effort to create a decent website (flash based or not) is quite low. How can you afford not to have something up to date at all times? With social/Internet connected shopping becoming a reality, if you are going to put your URL on your bottle, make sure it leads to something useful. There is no value in investing in QR/mobile/WAP/apps/whatever if you don't have the content to back it up.

And that's the whole point isn't it? Either you have a website or you don't -- and with the abundance of social media outlets and web savvy professionals - is there really an excuse to not have an up to date web presence? Even a basic Twitter/Wikipedia/FB strategy would be sufficient to keep me engaged.  There is no currently official Twitter page, and Ketel's Wikipedia game is pretty sparse. The site does direct users to a Facebook fan page, but is not making use of Facebook's integrated features or even the Like button.

Now, I've seen the print/tv/outdoor ads. I totally dig the "Gentlemen, this is vodka" campaign, but how on Earth are you calling yourself marketers with such a newbie move? Keep your old website up until the new one is ready --- or don't introduce the new campaign until all of the collateral is ready! Worried about scaring people off? If you have been collecting emails and gaining fb/twitter fans, you have plenty of ways (don't write off RSS either!) to inform customers about your new site and keep them engaged.

My hastily drawn conclusion: Diageo/Ketel One, call up your account exec at Grey, or any one of the myriad web shops out there and get a real website.

Need some proof of Barry's instructional prowess? Here's a freebie. As you can see, Barry is all about getting you comfortable with the technique.

Personally, I'm excited to finally learn the finer points of doing the Stanky Leg and the Harlem Shake. (By far, my two most favorite dances. ever.)

First an example:

That's a big budget example, while this one was cheaper. These bad jackson's are becoming increasingly popular with entire sites devoted to aggregating/curating them (i.e. Book Screening)

Book ads aren't new - but book ads that are even remotely engaging are. The two most common formats I am aware of are the wan single column ads in the New Yorker and the kitschy urban thriller ads on the subway. Both are terrible and I can't remember the name of a single title or author that advertises this way.

Book trailers are a cute gimmick for YA - but the last thing I want to see is a trailer for Dan Brown's newest rag. And do adults really need to be wheedled into reading via video? I know selling books is tough and attention spans are short, but is compressing a book down to a 60 second trailer really the approach we want to take with readers? Books, even e-books, are not impulse buys. Are independent authors and academic presses going to have to start producing these things in hopes of getting titles picked up by majors? Will a Publisher's Weekly starred review still have any cachet? And how do librarians feel about this? Any residual value that librarians add, (at this point mostly recommendations to curious readers), is cut off at the knees by flashy videos.

I blame social media for this. At some point in the last 3 years, agencies and marketers decided that earning exposure without spending a dime on promotion was the ultimate goal. That is incredibly risky and stupid, especially since agencies rely heavily on media commissions. Retainers and other compensation structures may be changing this slowly, but by and large media commissions pay the bills.

But I can understand why it is so appealing to publishers. Even the major houses have extremely limited marketing budgets. I asked a sales rep this summer about book ads and he basically said that publishers can't come up with the scratch to do big ad campaigns, even digital/mobile campaigns which are typically much cheaper print. I find this all rather puzzling. Publishers are willing to use their scarce resources to create these risky trailers - but not to promote them. Considering how quickly poor week 1 sales will get a book pulled off the shelf, marketing really is the name of the game. You can't rely on social/viral media - you have to use it to augment your media strategy. And without an integrated conversion/preorder/sale option, these trailers may never lead to a sale.

There is so much cool/ interactive stuff you could do with book ads, but no one seems to care. How about an ad unit that expands, pushes the page content over to the side (these already exist), and allows you to read a chapter from the book? It could have direct links within the unit to purchase the book and continue reading, download directly to your e-reader, or order the physical copy? Or why not have an ad that shows you where the closest library or author signing is using IP geo-location? A lot of this stuff is already available, but the majors are content to ignore what's right in front of them.

If anyone has a good counter example, I'd love to see it. Things change everyday afterall.

Ok, rant over.

Collection and series such as Best American are great because they curate my whole experience and take the work out of subscribing to thousands of journals and blogs just to find something decent to read. I get to read across a range of authors and themes. However, as of late, I have a serious bone to pick with the editors of these collections: every story I read is depressing as hell.

Have any of you seen Wendy and Lucy? Imagine a film festival where every entry was like that.  How about an endless loop of the last 10 minutes of Nights of Cabiria and The Bicycle Thief? That's what these  anthologies seem like: a broken record of hopelessness and heart ripping grief.

I know that some amount of conflict is necessary to drive a story. Obviously a 100% positive narrative would not make a compelling story - but why does every anthologized short story that I read leave me with a pit in my stomach? Lee Gutkind's Becoming a Doctor, a collection of creative nonfiction written by doctors, almost had me crying myself to sleep. Three of the first five entries in The Anchor Book of New American Short Stories made me feel so dejected that I lost my appetite.

In my high school Spanish class, we read a lot of Mexican literature, There too, all the stories followed the same pattern: tragedy besets family (vital livestock/family member dies), youth goes on a journey to better his circumstances, tragedy befalls youth again, tragic end. I wish I could find the book we used so I could quote some of the examples to you, but I recall one story where a cow was killed by a snake, another with a recurring comparison of a man's hands to worms, a long drawn out tale documenting the aftermath of a grand mothers death. There was just no positive message anywhere. In fact, these may be the most terrifyingly depressing stories ever.

Editors - I'm not asking for a cute romantic comedy (I have bittorrent for that) - but would it kill you to include a few chuckle worthy tales in your neatly collected volumes? Can't the guy get the girl every now and then? Does fire/war/pestilence/disease/CANCER have to ruin every narrative? Why even bother foreshadowing or irony when your peer authors have already extinguished any possibility of optimism?

The Bottom Line: Who decided that short stories can't end in anything less than general malaise?

So I suck. But for those of you who pay attention to the podcast, you know that I was working at Time Inc. More specifically at Entertainment Weekly, InStyle, and People in business operations (basically all things digital). I was probably the oldest intern in the corporate internship program, one of perhaps 5 pursuing an MBA, and certainly the only one with an engineering background.

When I got the job, Nick and I both cracked up. Why? Because I'm not exactly InStyle or People's demo, my official background is in mechanical engineering, and Nick and I have had poor luck with Time Warner companies in the past. Perhaps you've read Nick's Sneaking Into Comics series about his quest for a gig at DC Comics?

The point is - total long shot! Crazy, right? Maybe not. Time Inc. digs long shots. Grady Smith, an editorial intern, made waves on the interwebs earlier this year when he posted a video on YouTube petitioning EW for a summer internship. It was awkward, rushed, and a bit manic, but it worked! You can catch up on all of Grady's summer work right here.

So what did I do? Who did I meet? What great advice can I pass on to you? Well, without totally violating the covenant of "thou shalt not blog about your internship": Free magazines are sweet! I can now flip through and process an entire issue of People in 5 minutes.

But seriously, Entertainment Weekly is a remarkably forward thinking magazine. Cyndi Stivers, the Managing Editor of EW.com, was extremely gracious and allowed me to badger her for an entire hour about how EW was approaching social media, ePub, iPads, mobile apps, her experiences at other publishers, and even silly things like captchas for comments. She and everyone else I met was genuinely excited about -- rather than scared of -- digital. The folks in digital marketing and sales are doing big things too. It's all about "what can we do?" and not "this is what we do!" Coming from engineering, I found it remarkably refreshing.

And you know what else? I have never seen more efficient 'all-call' meetings. Every Monday at 10am, the publishing staff would corral into a small conference room, turn on the speakerphone, spend 2 minutes catching up and then spend the next 28 getting down. to. business. It is a well oiled machine. Numbers, charts, recognitions, goals, new opportunities, guest presenters - everything gets covered in those 28 minutes and everyone is jazzed about it too. Efficiency consultants (and engineers) could learn something from EW's Publisher Ray Chelstowski.

But back to me! I spent the summer doing research and benchmarking for future products, new tech, expansion opportunities, and potential acquisitions. Marketing, mobile websites, apps, ads --  I looked into a lot of stuff. I also got to help test the new EW Must List iPhone app before it launched in July. If you haven't taken a look at it, you really should. It is a great example of why EW and I were a good fit, we both believe in curation.

I wrote a big long thing about this in May, and no one read it - so I'll make this easy. Thanks to the Internet, we have access (free or paid) to an infinite amount of content. Of course, not all of it is good. In fact, separating the wheat from the chaff is probably the hardest part of getting your hands on good content, and that's why you need a curator. That's why you trust specific blogs, it's why you get excited about Netflix recommendations, and it's why you need EW to find & deliver to you the best wheat. More importantly, time is money. Curation is where the money is.

If there was anything that I was frustrated by, it was "scale." Scale was the kiss of death for most of my big ideas. "How come we aren't doing promotion X? It'd really appeal to our readers!" "We don't have the scale." Perhaps, scale is certainly an important consideration in cost/benefit analysis, but it reminds me of why I was dying to get out of engineering. I was tired of hearing "No, that just isn't done." Of course, I was an intern with limited knowledge of previous endeavors and research - so scale could very well have been that important. Bottom line, I don't like how quick people were to invoke it. If you never try anything new, you'll never achieve scale either!

Obviously I made PowerPoint decks, wrote reports, read reports, compiled spreadsheets, and did a lot of Googling. All interns do that. You are never going to get out of that no matter how creative you are. I invented scrollpop/AudioShocker Shoutouts ads in my freetime, but then I went right back to updating slides. But there are some really fun things like focus groups, lunch with the CEO, brownbags with other division heads, etc that you'd never get access to outside an internship program. A big firm offers you a lot of resources that you'd be crazy not to take advantage of. (Of course, it's also easy to become a number, so watch out for that)

Now you know what I was doing for the past 9 weeks. I'm actually a little sad that I couldn't stay longer and work on more stuff. Next up? I'd like to get more into marketing, maybe at an interactive agency. Any ideas?

Every few comments, you will now see a line that says "AudioShocker Shoutouts!". If you mousewheel over it, or mouse through it, a small banner will reveal itself or 'pop' in. We aren't trying to be tricky, malicious, or intrusive. We just want to try out some revenue possibilities and hopefully cover our costs for the site. Here is a little demo:

Our first shoutout this month is for AudioShocker regular Ross Campbell's stellar Shadoweyes project. If you are interested in advertising on the site, please email us.

To my knowledge, we are really the only people doing this, and we're interested in your feedback. I coded the whole shebang myself over the weekend and consider it a personal triumph. (and I will cut you if you try to steal it or pass it off as your own!)

favorite line: 'Put it on your hose"

Recovery is available 6.21.2010!

But wait, I haven't told you what Figment is yet! Well Ok, here is the deal: Figment is an online reading and writing community focusing on young-adult literature. Short stories, poetry, novels, maybe even essays and graphic fiction in the future -- the possibilities are endless. More specifically though, we want to engage mobile users and break away from coffee shop laptop curse. Why not read a novel on your phone or write a haiku on the bus home from school? We want you to be able to participate wherever you are and with whatever you have. Figment is about high availability, a wide selection, and user participation. Figment was inspired by Japan's cell-phone novel culture, and an article published in the New Yorker by our co-founder Dana Goodyear.

We see this as a great way to connect teens to each other and their favorite authors. I really hope you will all sign up and write yourselves in.

ACK! is webcomic about two side characters from the epic Mahabharata - set in Jersey. The art is a dead ringer for the classic Amar Chitra Katha books that I grew up with - but don't get it twisted, the  the story is more Bill & Ted than Ram & Laksman. As noted on SM, the comic is only a couple weeks in, but the strip offers infinite possibility. It definitely has Axe Cop potential.

I've bagged on ACK Media and others (the publisher of the original ACK comics)  in the past - for not finding a way to modernize their catalog or appeal to the current crop of diasporized Indians. Obviously, ACK! is not the family friendly panacea- but it is a great example of adapting nostalgia to modern tastes and pop culture refs like Jersey Shore. It is similar to what Adult Swim / Cartoon Network did with the Hannah-Barbera library. So make sure you tune in next week, I know I will.

A-Dub: Sporting my AudioShocker t-shirt halfway across the US to St. Louis.

Neal: Pics or it didn't happen!

A-Dub: Ugh, FINE:

Adub rocks a ladies classic AudioShocker logo T

What Channel is This?

Video content distribution is converging to an all-internet accessed world. Signs point to platform agnostic websites distributing video content through personal computers (i.e. Hulu), mobile devices, and most importantly, internet connected TVs. IPTVs are already on the market, and within five years, early adopters and roughly half of the early majority will have started the exodus away from traditional TV watching behavior.

IPTV’s ability to disintermediate parties between the producer and consumer, along with the FCC’s forward-looking agenda of universal access, will hasten its acceptance as well (Ed Note: my partner Trey is a lot more optimistic about Net Neutrality than I am). It is important to recognize that the opportunity to access all video content from a website, on your television, on demand, makes traditional simulcast/broadcast TV completely obsolete. Broadcast and traditional cable TV will not disappear in the near future; however, their cachet will drop substantially.

As we move toward this world, the importance of distributor (TV channel and networks) and producer brands decreases. Today, most consumers do not associate video content with its producer. They do however associate video content with certain TV channels. As this disintermediation occurs, physical channels on a cable box will no longer exist and channel ‘brands’ will slowly die as antiquated groupings of content. Over the past decade, digital video recorders, EPGs, and syndication have already begun to loosen the association between channel and content. There are several key ways that networks create value. In this new world, all of these benefits, with the exception of advertising, will be provided by a subscription video content aggregator. Ad-based distribution will likely be taken over by a market leader such as Hulu, contributing to the complete demise network loyalty and identity.

Creating Value Through Curation

As the online library of content continues to grow (professional & amateur), we can no longer see/read/hear everything. We simply don't have the time or resources to sort through everything ourselves to find what we want, or what we may like. As a result, the ability to curate content is paramount -- and users will be willing to pay for such this service.

Netflix’s curation features need improvement. Its effectiveness in generating accurate recommendations pales in comparison to systems at sites such as Pandora, Last FM, and iTunes (Genius). Being a gateway to online content presents few barriers to entry, however, it is possible to dominate and even create a winner-take-all scenario in this business, like  Google has accomplished with its search engine. What allows Google to command a 65% market share is a marginally better search algorithm. The same is true for Pandora. Even though Last.fm offers a multitude of innovative features, Pandora’s ability to classify sound and automate its curation via an algorithm is responsible for its market leading position.

If Netflix can improve this feature, it will command significant leverage, and can establish itself as the premier destination for online video content. With a sizable lead in this technology, a producer who does not distribute through Netflix risks losing potential viewers. Additionally, Netflix’s curation tool can effectively market the content better than a network or studio can with their small marketing spend, making it more profitable for producers to forgo selling their work to a network or studio, instead retaining the rights and get paid by Netflix per view. (Ed. Note, we are assuming that Netflix continues to expand and invest in the Watch Instantly streaming service / library)

To speed up the process of improving the curation function as quickly as possible, we recommend either creating partnerships with Pandora and/or Google. Partnering with Pandora would give Netflix access to pieces of their curation algorithm and the engineers who have been building this best-of-industry platform. In addition, we recommend Neflix copy the Last.fm “scrobbler” function. The scrobbler methodology archives every piece of musical content one has played on their computer or mobile device and sends this info to Last.fm’s servers. Employing a similar methodology, Netflix could more accurately curate video content by not only recognizing what someone enjoys by telling the program as it does now (active selection), but also recognizing tastes by simply consuming content (passive selection).

--

Perhaps we knew this was coming all along, but instead of Netflix we should have find/replaced with Google. Or, perhaps we aren't nearly as prescient as we thought and everyone already knew all of this. Either way, we believe that producer/consumer disintermediation and an increasing demand for curation are important considerations when determining a digital strategy.

Google TV is certainly not the first attempt at 'IPTV', but it is likely to be the most well regarded. The last thing I need is another set-top box, but I excited about IPTV and what is coming next.

Since this isn't a real music video, I'll reserve my usual negative comments. I'd just like to note the following: the dad squeezes the nipple on the baby bottle, he throws his daughter's tea service on the ground and spikes the mini piano - that cracked my shit up. He may be a balding actor and this may be a ridiculously shameless use of 'swagger' & autotune, but it's also funny. If I were Puff, I would be pissed -- not because these guys were jocing my video concepts from 15 years ago -- but because they'll have more success with it in 3 months than he has in the last 15 years.

(WHERE MY MOTHER FATHERS AT?)

Really, where to begin? The American flag cape. Dancers + band in spacesuits. Overdone sing-songy vocals (plus autotune) that try to make her sound younger/ditzier than she really is. Did I mention the half-assed robot-arm swing in there too (these guys totally trumped Bieber's shitty road crew, which is impressive)? A total inability to sing/dance at the same time. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Oh, and the lyrics are basically a string of urban dictionary entries. Why is this girl popular? Not mention, the single came out during the summer, what is she doing on SNL NOW?

The laser light thing -- that actually had the potential to be cool. But instead of using a theremin, which would have been 400% gangster, we got a lame party laser. That was the last straw. I mean really, how on earth is autotune more gangster than a theremin?!

I did a little wiki-research and it looks like this Ke$ha girl's initial 'breakout' was doing the hook on a Flo-Rida's even crappier cover of You Spin Me Round? There was a big long page of credits and history, but the main references that hit me were: Paris Hilton, Katy Perry, and Pitbull --- hardly musical relationships that I would consider worthwhile.

So, excuse me while I don my hater hat and pass judgement here: Ke$ha, this was a bad performance, a bad song, and bad in general. To quote a recent meme from b-school: you need to GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

Of course, the first thing I did when I got my hands on the game changer was to fire up audioshocker.com, and some other websites under the AS umbrella. Here is what I found:

nealshyam.com - looking good in the neighborhood (pure html)
stoutandporter.com - not bad baby. (WP, custom theme)
nickmarino.net - hot tranny mess (WP, customized theme)
audioshocker.com - 50% functional. (WP, customized theme)

75% of these sites run WP, and that alone should qualify them to run fairly well on the iPad - and they do. You can definitely navigate, view posts, read the main page, etc. However, without Flash the AudioShocker page is robbed of its most critical, longest running, and eponymous feature: the podcast!

I did a bit of searching for flash alternative mp3 players - and you know what - there really isn't a comprehensive alternative. The main 1pixel out player we use is simply fantastic, but that's clearly a no go. Next, up was the JW player we used to have in the sidebar. Again, no go. How about these newfangled HTML5 elements? The entire world is up in arms about streaming video from Hulu / Netflix, so clearly there must be a simple solution for audio, right? Wrong.

While there are a few javascript based options that use the new HTML5  audio tags, it just raises the latent format war between webkit browsers and Firefox. This article at html5doctor sums it up:

The most significant issue is the cross-browser implementation, where lack of a common supported audio format among browsers causes complications. If developers want to take full advantage of all browsers that support HTML 5 audio, they’ll need to create both MP3 and Ogg (and in Opera’s case, WAV) versions of the audio file they want to stream!

Funny isn't it? I usually bash Flash for being a waste of bandwidth and a crutch for lazy web designers, but perhaps I should revise my statements. Flash is still terrible for plenty of reasons, but it does allow coders to effectively write out browser incompatibility problems. I have never had to worry about the podcast player not working on someone's computer. Further, I challenge anyone to tell me, with a straight face, that they use ogg files.

There is no way on earth I am going to create (actually, there is no way Nick is going to create) three separate audio files, post them to the page using some hacked together css/html that prioritizes/uses fallbacks to trick your browser into playing the correct audio. That goes against everything the Internet stands for (easy info sharing).

Nope. WWC, Adobe, Mozilla, WebKit -- get your shit together! Either standardize rendering engines to recognize multiple formats in the audio tag, or offload all of the necessary hackery to a simple js library. I want to make the AS website HTML5 compliant as soon as possible, and this is holding me up.

Kept it all rather low key, I got invited to a dinner party in Brooklyn, which was essentially catered by a chef -- red snapper. parsnip puree. duck. mushrooms. garlic. thyme. cookies. etc. it was as they say 'muy deli'.

I also got this gem of an email from OKC: Still single? Come check out your matches and find the women who want to meet you for your birthday! Click here to find your birthday matches!

Wow. You sent me an email on my birthday asking if I was still single. In what mind-bending scenario is this an appropriate question to ask someone on their birthday? What's next - asking me if I did my taxes at a family funeral? "Hey, I know you're dealing with cancer -- but did you remember to turn off the stove?" OKC, you are weird as shit.

You know how your body performs best on that circadian rhythm thing? Perhaps birthdays are the right time to make directional changes / resolutions. I don't have any fresh ones, as I am still working on those previously announced - but I'll leave you with that nugget. And this (recently discovered) awesomeness:

In case you are totally unhip, here is the story so far: Walt teaches chemistry in New Mexico. Walt gets cancer. Walt wants to provide for his family, hooks up with a former student and, starts manufacturing and dealing meth. Oh wait - Walt err 'Heisenberg's' brother in law is a DEA agent, and Bob Odenkirk is their crooked lawyer/fixer. Hijinks (and plenty of drama) ensue between our extremely unlikely drug kingpins.

This show is all sorts of entertaining, so get familiar! Sundays. 10pm, AMC.

Instead, I'd like to take today's post to make a major announcement: I am quitting french fries. No more! I no longer plan to put those delectable, crunchy, death sticks down my gullet. This isn't part of some new fangled diet (i ain't going paleo!), I just need to remove this poison from my repertoire, and here are three good reasons why:

1. Fries are a garbage food. Sure, they're delicious, but what do you expect from deep fried starch laced with sodium. Fries are like wicked sirens, they call to us promising tender caresses and love. Instead, we get love handles, cholesterol, and blood sugar spikes. Homie don't play that. I'm 26, Indian, and my family history includes heart disease. I refuse to let a tuber determine my expiration date.

2. I'm poor. Fries may not cost a whole lot at a micro level, (99 cents at the low end), but waitstaff the world over continually try to upsell me on fries. With dollar menus the norm at fast food joints, a 99C fry can easily add 25% to your order. In New York, anything that looks remotely like a sandwich can be served as a "platter" (i.e. w/fries) for an additional $2.50, and it starts to add up. Fries don't make fiscal sense.

3. I can do better. I live in the Northeast. Between New Haven and NYC there is a corridor of gustatory delights. From Modern Apizza to Mamoun's Fallafels to the Bouchon Bakery - I can find better food and save up my ducats for more delicious fare such as fresh sushi or a gourmet mac and cheese. Even in the least health/finance conscious case, I would rather trade in fries for a craft beer. Not to mention, fries serve mainly as a HFCS-laden ketchup delivery tool.

Will I miss sweet potato fries? Yes. Will it be hard to always say "no i don't want to make it a 'meal'"? You betcha. But fries are evil and they will kill your body, wallet, and epicuriosity.

Fries are bad. Sermon over.

Ha! These guys get it.

One week till spring break, and you know what that means: MIDTERMS! I have finance and marketing tests this week, as well as a take home final for my leadership class. After spending 8 hours writing the most ridiculous paper on Coca-Cola, I proudly bounded out of my room and loudly exclaimed to my roommates that I had finished principle bullshittery, or the rough cut. All it needs now is a quick edit before I send it in.

I felt quite amused with myself after uttering it. And for the second time in a row, this one is not in Urban Dictionary yet. I think it really sums up the paper writing process which, as any cinematographer will tell you, is an art form.

prin·ci·pal·bull·shit·a·ry [prin-suh-pahl-bool-shit-uh-ree]

-noun

1. The phase during which a paper is mostly written, usually including large amounts of fluff. The draft is then sent for final editing or 'post': Hey Nick, I just finished principal bullshittery on my take home final, one quick edit tomorrow and I'm turning it in.

[Origin: Loosely adapted from principal photography as used in the film industry. BTW This is another AudioShocker original]

Human Target - this show is a bonafide problem, so act like you know. Mark Valley's boyscout character on Boston Legal was laughably dismissed as a 'Ken Doll' more than once. (James Spader was truly spot on with that observation) However, Valley is exactly the right person to play Christopher Chance. He's a bodyguard for hire with a former cop partner and a witty/subversive/unabashed thief helper. I think it's kind of daring to have a regular cast of three guys with no recurring female roles (s0 far). But, it works, and Jackie Earle Haley is finally getting his due as Guerrero.

Modern Family - Yup. It's that good. It's like some network/creative genius was like "what if we make a really funny show about a really diverse family situation" and then managed to execute that. And though I am a super late comer to the show, there is zero learning curve. There is like zero continuity between episodes.

Archer - I watch this garbage because there is swearing, H. Jon Benjamin and Aisha Tyler. That is pretty much it. It is like a weird combination of AdultSwim concepts like Home Movies, The Boondocks, and ATHF/Sealab/Frisky Dingo all rolled into animated shitshow. You probably won't like it, but I kind of do.

Community - I slept on this show for a while too, but I find it significantly funnier/fresher than some of the other stuff (see below) on NBC right now. Perhaps it's all about the Abed and Troy dynamic. That or Chevy Chase in his most phoned in role ever.

Things that no longer tickle my pickle include: The Simpsons, 75% of Seth MacFarlane's stuff, The Office and most 30Rock episodes. I am just sorta done with those.

Better Off Ted, and the second coming of Scrubs (which is like having feelings for your ex-girlfriend who broke your heart three times) all are in my rotation but eh... only if Hulu puts them in my queue.

And that, is all she freaking wrote. Also, LAST CALL FOR MBA Media and Entertainment Conference Tickets (Friday, Feb 26th, all day at NYU)

A. I spent Saturday morning meeting noted writer Ved Mehta at his UES residence. I also met former PM of India, Inder Gujral's son and grandson. BTW, the tea was great as was the coffeecake. It was like basking in the bright sunny rays of the Indian Diaspora. And what was casting those rays you might ask? Perhaps it was master painter M F Husain's rendering of Mehta's two daughters. (My mom and sister are big Husain fans, the dude is crazy awesome. They'd kill for a MFH original). It was a rather pleasant morning. I apologize for all the namedropping, but I am continually impressed by the company my dad keeps.

B. Speaking of writers, JD Salinger died last week. I find it hard to empathize with the Twittards though, because I *gasp* never read Catcher In The Rye, nor do I feel moved to do so now. I did however see Igby Goes Down, and I am comfortable with that experience and the funny joke Kieran Culkin makes about my alma mater, Choate Rosemary Hall.

C. Groundhog Day is tomorrow, and I'll be damned if that little bastard isn't going to crap all over us with another six weeks of winter. Obviously, I'm getting a little sick of Punxsutawney P. How come he can't just pretend to not see it - or how about this: LOOK UP!? That furball has the most famous shadow ever to slank around Pennsylvania. Bill Murray should be furious that we've learned nothing from all this endless repetition. I mean come on, you KNOW he's going to see his shadow and then we'll all end up using it as an excuse for our seasonal depression.

D. There is a new ice cream spot near my place called Holey Cream, that serves a homemade donut ice cream sammich. Take a minute to comprehend that and then RUN to 9th Ave in Hell's Kitchen for your own.

E. And most importantly, Nick and I decided that the AudioShocker is going to start running ads on the site (and potentially the feed) in the near future. I know I know I know. But here's the thing, this website costs us money and we'd like to make a small fraction of that money back. We haven't picked out a formal ad scheme yet, but we are working on a rate card and we'd love to have your business. Ads will likely run in the sidebar and will be as unobtrusive as possible. Additionally, we are accepting sponsorship offers for the main Tuesday podcast. If you are interested, please email neal, nick, or audio @audioshocker.com.

To the fans, I PROMISE, ads will never change what we are about: music, movies, comics. Why? Because, media is kind of our thing. Podcasts will always be recorded in verite. Pete's columns will remain late, lame, and halfassed. Justique will continue to  put Nick in weird positions and make background noises. Nick will work even harder to find new JCVD movies. And I will never stop hating flash/vocoders.

Thanks and have a great week!

9. Angelina - Really, who walks out on an MTV reality show?
8. Vinny's total milquetoastness and utter irrelevance to the show
7. Ron Ron Juice - or maybe not
6. JWOWW's Battle dancing
5. GTL! GTL! GTL! - Because summer should revolve around gym, tanning, and laundry, right?
4. Snooki's hottub antics - although, someone at MTV told me that Snookin for Love is all but greenlit
3. Creepin, grenades, and grenade launchers
2. THE SITUATION
1. The Snooki punch

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 > pants.

The conference brings together the nation's top MBA students as well as media, entertainment, and related companies. The purpose is to foster informative dialogue about the film, print, music, television, sports, and publishing industries. Last year's attendance reached a record 600 MBA students. The keynote speakers this year are Philippe Dauman, CEO of Viacom and Janet Robinson, CEO of the New York Times.

I am organizing a panel on business development / Creating sustainable franchises and have secured several heavyweight panelists. I'd tell you all about them, but you'll just have to come to the panel. I can say that my panelists represent a certain popular TV show, a major player in comics, a giant in the live entertainment industry, and an extremely popular video game series.

And that is just mine. From venture capital to mobile media, talent management to corporate strategy, we are doing it all.

Want to know about the other 14 panels? Check it out the full list here with descriptions.

There is no press at the event, so the AS Crew won't be representing. But, as one of the organizers from NYU, I am ordering all Tristate (hell, we have kids from France coming) students to attend. Registration opens on Thursday the 28th, and it will sell out.

Instead of the typical swill about music and other inane things, let's focus on today's holiday. I recently found out that someone fairly close to me is responsible for why Carnegie Mellon University does not give it's students all of MLK day off (or at least when I attended they did not). Instead there is a half-day of 'activities' and other things planned, after AM classes. I'd apologize for this "transgression" against your party schedule, but really - how important is a day off from classes?

According the Wikipedia, labor unions proposed and championed MLK Day as a foil for another federal holiday. Bravo labor unions, way to totally use an awesome dude's assassination for your personal profit. While on the outside an admirable cause, that is nearly as underhanded as the various Hallmark Holidays we are bombarded with daily.

Of course, it doesn't matter how it got established, it is a day for us to remember Dr. King and his contributions. That's all I've got people.

Oh look, the 'user experience' people are already gathering their riotous mob and marching up to my residence. Let's get something straight, I am not saying that 'Kubrick should be enough for anyone,' (please tell me someone gets that reference). What I am saying, is that web design isn't what it used to be, and what your website looks like is less important than you think it is.

Flash
It's no secret that I have no love for Flash. What started as Macromedia's incredible new low-bandwidth ad delivery medium has become a bandwidth heavy, inescapable, behemoth. Designers use it as a crutch, choosing it over the appropriate CSS/HTML for even the simplest navigation tasks. Most web jobs require a soft mallet; Flash is a sledgehammer. (And don't get me started on the restaurant industry's collective misuse of flash and 'intro' pages)

Most blogs depend on Flash, and it is mainly used for media embeds. After all, without cute video embeds, blogs would be pretty boring. Embedding is super easy, and HD video has made fullscreen viewing enjoyable. So, as long as the video works, is anyone paying attention to the rest of the blog? Do you even look at the sidebar or footer?

RSS
Prior to 2008, I used to launch about 15 individual sites every time I opened up Firefox/Phoenix/Firebird/IE/Netscape/Mosaic/whatever. There was so much crap to sort through, so many useless elements being loaded - and everytime I hit refresh I was hoping for a new story.

Today every website on earth has an RSS feed, and the benefits are seemingly endless. I can follow upwards of 50 websites, news feeds, blogs, and webcomics without missing a beat. I haven't been to the slashdot/engadget/lifehacker front page in over two years - no more ad heavy pages or extraneous flash elements.

And let's not start crying about lost ad revenue. Several sites have successfully included ad's into their RSS feeds. I don't have the conversion rates, but these ads are short, sweet, and unobtrusive.

Granted, RSS strips out some formatting, typography, special characters and royally screws with jump/more tags - but to those who believe in it, that is a negligible price for the the benefits of aggregation. And who even clicks on jumps anyway? If you don't have a compelling first paragraph, you might as well not have written anything.

Mobile
Similiar to RSS, Smartphones have changed how we view the web. Phones have small screens and most don't do flash (yet). All the sidebars, large header graphics, etc are just reducing the viewport more and more. The best mobile sites are streamlined and spartan.

Graphics
You know those ridiculous image maps/slices that people put together instead of using typographical elements? They look cool at first, but they are another crutch that bad designers use to cover up their inability to use html properly. If you are using images of text instead of regular text, you just made life harder for your readers, because you can't easily index that text. The web is not some digital alley to be plastered with interactive movie posters. It is a medium for disseminating information effectively, cheaply, and quickly. Writing good html takes less time than making complicated graphics.

HTML 5 / CSS / whatever the kids are on about these days
I am a big CSS/HTML Nazi. I didn't start out that way, but it has truly transformed my life and coincides with my beliefs in reusable code. Well formed CSS can make even the most minimal of sites look beautiful, and on multiple platforms. (cough nealshyam.com cough)

But again, with RSS and Flash making up such a large part of the blog experience these days, how important are pixel pushers like myself? Are people even paying attention to all the work I did to center my divs/floats and get them to clear properly? No one ever says "Neal, I really like the way you designed your blog's main page."

Themes
Part of why no one cares about your design, is because you likely had nothing to do with it. How many of us use premade or the default WP themes? Kubrick (and K2!) is remarkably clean and simple, but earth shattering it is not. Flickr feeds, twitter widgets, and your blogroll are just distractions. We include them on our webpages because every other blog/theme has them, but are they contributing to our page views? Conversions? Comments? I doubt it.

And there in lies my point, your blog is defined by it's content, not by the pretty background and borders. If your blog is any good, the design is irrelevant!

The Reality
Content is king. Garbage In, Garbage Out. Even great blogs can look like crap. In fact, the savviest readers aren't even looking at your masterpiece design. So, perhaps we should focus a little less on rounded corners and a little more on coherent journalism. Knowwhutimsayin?

(And yes, I know the AudioShocker uses embeds, header graphics, and we aren't exactly build for mobile, but our writing is fantastic!)

Looks like I was wrong. Soldier of Love drops Feb 9, Act like you know.

you know. this actually reminds me of a phonecall that the Unlicensed Attorneys at Law had with Alicia a few years ago. Sadly for Ms. Keys, I don't think this one went so well either. But, why don't you judge for yourself:

I'm asking you, AudioShocker fans to please enlighten me, because I am really in the dark here. What are we dubbing the next ten years? And for that matter, do you expect things to be any different? (I'm still waiting on that flying car, btw)

In keeping with this general outpouring of magnanimosity, I just wanted to let you know that the AS Crew is working on a ridiculously awesome holiday present for all of you out there. I mean, this may be the best thing we've ever given away.

And just one final reminder, The 2009 You Don't Suck Awards polls close.... on Friday. So get your movie, tv, comics, music, book, pet, ponzi scheme, or whatever nominees in now!

The new Iron Man 2 trailer just went all sorts of live. Perhaps you should get off your ass (or on it?) and watch it now. I'm just saying, it would be the prudent thing to do. Here is the link to the 189MB full HD quicktime download, and HERE for the smaller 480p one.

Anyway, today's video, courtesy of a functioning VEVO, is Calle 13's La Perla, featuring Rubén Blades. It's a great song, and the video is low impact - but scenic. If you can't enjoy this then... well i don't know, but something is clearly wrong with you. It's chill. And for what it's worth, it did win a Latin Grammy. Enjoy.

First and foremost, I can't get the site to work. I know it's in beta, and it just launched - but this is unacceptable. The launch was way too hyped for 2nd day performance to be this sluggish. I can't get any videos to play and the search functions are for shit. I can't even access a Beyonce video - apparently it's not authorized for my region. Pray tell, what region is licensed if not the U.S.? Also you have to access the site using the www prefix (which is redundant). That might all be minor nitpicking, but this whole thing is a joint venture with Google. Superstar uptime and IT are sort of their thing. Operational Fail.

And does this website even need to exist? I am totally comfortable watching ads on Hulu - and even on AOL or MTV when watching music videos, but where is the added value for me? All I see is value in aggregation, and maybe fewer broken video links in the future. But, reinventing the wheel, breaking everyone's current YouTube embeds, and promoting the site seems like a large outlay for small potential profits. Also, couldn't this have been defined as a new category of videos at Hulu (they have movies and tv right now) or even YouTube as opposed to a whole new site? Why not leverage Hulu's great brand image? I understand this involves a different set of parties, but I think this could have been done better. Oh wait - it totally has been:

MTV's implementation (which has an open API) of a music video streaming site is much better, and it launched last year. The design is infinitely less abrasive and offers all the same favorites, review, playlist, and social networking features that VEVO is promoting. And, they have a large (though not exhaustive) collection, including most current pop hits. The videos are easy to embed and most importantly, the site works. Booyah.

I imagine that Google / the labels will work the bugs out pretty quickly, but right now VEVO is a No-Go.

Actually, that isn't all - what the hell is RiRi wearing? Ha-HA!

9. Zombies - I am so horrendously sick of America's fascination with the undead - particularly zombies. What is so exciting about what is essentially a deranged flesh eating clown without the makeup? (Oh yeah, I hate clowns too...)

8. Twilight - Perhaps it goes without saying based on #9, but this particular parasitic bit of YA fiction can go eat some garlic laced silver nitrate and die.

7. Tyler Perry and M. Night Shyamlan - Original, eh?

6. Multi-Baby Mama Drama - If Jon & Kate plus 8 and the Octomom simply vanished, we as a nation would all be better off.

Deep Dish Sucks!

5. Chicago style deep dish pizza - The crust is overly buttery, the toppings are boring, and after one slice you're full. Pizza is NOT a casserole. [Note - I have to disagree on this one. IMO, ya gotta go straight to the source! Either Pizzeria Uno or Pizzeria Due ("due" as in italian for "two") in downtown Chi-town. Or, check out some of the local deep dish in the nearby (a.k.a. not Peoria) Chicago suburbs. - Nick] [Author's Note - Neal has been to both Due & Uno, as well as Giordano's and they all suck donkey balls! sorry Chi]

4. Hipsters - Hey you, scenesters! Guess what? I actually like music and occasionally bowling. Perhaps you could take your chain smoking, overly compressed testes somewhere else.

gross.

3. CG - The current state of computer graphics in movies is apalling. SFX look shittier and more phoned in then ever before. Remember the Matrix? If you want cool character makeup / effects, you should really just call Tom Savini.

2. Biodiesel - Nothing grinds my gears more than people who prattle on about how awesome biofuels are. Biodiesel is crap and so are your views on the environment. Oh - and screw you too ethanol. [Note - Neal once killed a man for believing in global warming. - Nick] [Author's Note - Yup, global warming is junk science]

1. Someone freezing and slicing my brain live on the Internet - They were actually doing this on Wednesday for some famous amnesiac. In three words: Do. Not. Want.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome!

Get started now by posting your nominations below in the comments section. You can also email your picks to audio, neal, or nick @ audioshocker.com or tweet them to us @audioshocker. And you can always post them on our facebook page. Hell, CALL them in (412.567.7606) if you're stoned and lazy.

Neal created this logo, and it does NOT suck

Final results will be posted Jan 1st 2010 or thereabout next year.

P.S. Anyone submitting Old Dogs, A Christmas Carol, or excessively vocodered hip hop music as nominees will be cast out from the AudioShocker kingdom forever!!! Okay, we'll probably just make fun of you... but do you really want to face our harsh ridicule??? (Perhaps Pete does)

sehtolc raeppasid!

Ain't nothing wrong with a little consumerism. As America starts counting down shopping days, it's only fitting that we share with you our wish lists. While none of these items are for sale - feel free to send us presents.

9. Paul Allen's Octopus Yacht - This thing has 2 helicopters and a gaggle of jetskis -- but that is just for starters. Sign us up for two.

8. Three wishes granted by Zatanna - A little piglatin and she can make anything happen; that is infinitely better than some blue skinned, harem pant wearing, Robin Williams voiced cartoon.

7. Global ban on Tyler Perry and M. Night Shyamlan - Really, how on earth are these two dudes still getting work?

6. 50 Cent's debut R&B album - Can you fathom how awesome a disc of Curtis Jackson crooning ballads would be? It would blow Before I Self Destruct out of the freaking water. It'll never happen, but I can dream.

ALF, wing man extraordinaire

5. Guest spot on Alf - Nick would most likely dirty his dungarees were this possible. I mean, imagine all the crazy hijinks with a wingman like Gordon Shumway.

4. Bootjets - Oh wait, these are like 10000% unavailable. Perhaps a more realistic question is: where the eff is my flying car already?

3. Diplomats reunion (minus Jim Jones) - Look, Diplomatic Immunity Vols. 1&2 were major and Santana's From Me To U was a classic. All I am asking is for the boys from Harlem to bury the hatchet for like 4 hours.

2. Another 'First 100 Days' for Obama - ZING! No seriously, America's CEO could use a do-over.

1. More listeners - Tell your friends, your coworkers, your boss, your boss's boss, your boss's boss's mistress: The AudioShocker Podcast wants your ears (but not in a creepy ear-necklace sort of way).

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome!

via The Playlist.

[Thx for that intro, Neal. See, I was going to do a Top 9 about Ninja Assassin because Justique and I caught an advance screening of it tonight... but Instead, Neal decided to start a Top 9 without me and left me with 2/3s of the work. Classic! Suffice to say that you'll have to wait until AudioShocker Podcast #107 on Nov 24th to find out just how awesome Ninja Assassin was (hint: it was really awesome). As for Neal's Top 9 TV characters? I'll play along. However, I've noted who chose what (mostly because I don't endorse Neal's selections). Sorry, Neal! - Nick]

9. Aang, the Avatar - What's an AudioShocker TV favorites list without some Avatar? Answer: LAME! [Nick]

8. Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad - Many peeps don't know this, but Leslie Nielsen's slapstick superstar cop started out on TV's Police Squad! before he moved to film in the Naked Gun series. [Nick]

7. Sarah Palin - Man, she sure is a character. Thank god it's all an act. (It is an act, right? Right???) [Obama]

6. The Great Gonzo - "Thank you. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music of The Flight of the Bumblebee. Music, maestro!" [Nick]

5. Homer Simpson - His character is oh so endearing. [Justique]

4. Stewie Griffin - Matricidal maniac. I'd burp that. [Neal]

3. ALF - A.K.A. Gordon Shumway [Nick]

2. Brock Samson - Actually, any character that Patrick Wharburton voices is pretty fucking awesome. [Neal]

1. Gob Bluth - Did you really think I wasn't going to take it back to Arrested Development? [Neal]

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. (Sadly, that’s what Nick calls math.)

The Track: Garbage. So far everything I have heard from this 'era' sounds the same. I think the beat could have been better used for something else. Gaga's inclusion is pointless play for relevance and she fails to add anything to the track. Bey is capable enough on her own, why is she bringing another 'diva' in the mix. Isn't that why she left DC in the first place? I don't get this, the same way I don't get why she did that other track with Shakira. Finally, I know I've said it before, but why does B keep trying to appear gutter glam? That's like Bill Gates saying he really digs the open source model and that he uses Plan 9. More to the point, it's not like anyone other than the Jigga Man has the remote possibility of a chance. Such a ridiculous and unbelievable tease.

The Video: Hype Williams done lost his mind. White, black, epilepsy inducing editing, a multitude of hyper color toy guns, Abu Grahib esque hoods, dudes with camera lenses for heads. Hype was clearly tripping off some Terry Gilliam Brazil / Time Bandits nonsense.

I mean check it out for yourself, it oozes excess and hubris. The whole thing is visually jarring for the sake of being so. Then again, taken as a leading indicator, we could be finally pulling out of the recession.

The video and inclusion of Ms. Disco Stick reinforces my theory that Lady Gaga is the most disruptive force in pop music right now. (Important note: B rocks a plastic m16 while Lady GarBage rocks an anemic pistol) Ciara, Beyonce, Shakira, Rihanna, and even my dear Amerie are all falling prey to and imitating her crazy, lone ranger, weirdass B.S. Every new pop diva video I see is just trying to capture some of her wackass style.

The Bottom Line: Hot, soggy, smelly refuse

'Rational' folks might simply say: stop watching so much TV, or catch up on the weekend, DVR everything, cut down on your shows, and the patently ridiculous - wait for the DVD. Listen folks, none of those solutions are 100% feasible, even in combination. I'm at school almost all week, literally. TV time is my time and keeps me from imploding. DVR space is limited with 4 roommates. And wait for the DVDs? Do you start buying PS3 gear when the PS5 comes out? Yeah, didn't think so.

The only real solution I see is one of tough love: divorcing shows. There are plenty of quick wins with this strategy. Heroes sucked from the get go, and letting go mid-season 2 was a breath of fresh air to my schedule. HIMYM made it easy by sucking so much after season 3. Scrubs was a no-brainer once I woke up and realized how un-endearing Sac Breath Braff really was. Alas, these are but the low hanging fruit.

Cut off one show and two more shall take its place!

Powerhouses like House has proven a bit harder to quit. I keep going back to it, and even Tim Roth's Lie to Me has shown great tenacity. But I'm done with them. I can no longer tolerate Hugh Laurie or Dr. Lightman. But, there exists a fundamental problem with this hack and slashery.

Every time you cut out a show, those wily TV execs throw two more in your way. (eh eh, see how good I am with titles) After quitting House, Parks and Recreation popped into my rotation and brought The League with it just to add insult to injury. I mean fuck, when did TV Execs wake up and start making moderately entertaining shows with just enough laugh value to engage me? Goddamn you superior formula based programming!!!!

Even when shows cut themselves off (ATHF, Sealab 2020, Home Movies), new shit springs up to replace them (The Venture Brothers, Squidbillies, Metalocalypse). And don't get me started on the half/summer season shows on HBO/Showtime or delayed starts like Chuck. Ugh.

I'm not sure how to handle this ridiculous head/show proliferation, but it's only a matter of time before my entire week is devoted to TV and I become an indoor kid again, complete with orange Cheeto fingers.

In short: FML

9. The Black Eyed Peas and U2 are the worst (and most overrated) bands ever

8. You can get ANYTHING delivered in NYC

7. Your favorite rapper probably has a ghostwriter

6. Chinese run Mexican joint > Qdoba > Chipotle

5. Grades don't actually matter

4. Xenogears > Street Fighter

3. Auto-Tune was originally developed to find oil wells, not for Teddy Pain

2. Mortgage backed sneakers are not a sound investment

1. Your breath stanks

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. (Sadly, that’s what Nick calls math.)

But Lo! Ask and ye shall receive, from Papa Pharrel no less. Shakira's new joint Did It Again is kinda awesome - both sonically and visually.

The Track
First off, I can actually make out the words. I know most of her songs are recorded in Spanish and then later rerecorded for us lazy American monoglots - but this is a big selling point for me as my Spanish has really fallen off. That said, it surprises me how manypeople don't listen to lyrics - legions of 13 year old girls have no idea what they are bumping on their iPods.

I'll defer to Nick for his thoughts on this incarnation of Neptunes production, but this is 'Pharrel Lite'. No Timbo-style acapella, just heavy synth with a light drumline/steel drum backbeat. I can dig it -- although would a little more knock have hurt? Afterall, isn't Pharrel the drum guy?

The video
Two words: Sexy Capoeira. I think the concept is pretty awesome, a sexy fight on a sexy bed with lots of cool flips. Haven't seen that before, so it is primo video material in my book. A bit reminiscent of La Tortura at points, and I liked that one too. Way better than coming out of a pool with a sequined mask and an aquamarine swimsuit. Inconsistency or 'artistic license' manifests itself in the form of the shower cutaways and the Japanese drummers. (Come on Fam, we all know those drums were from an 808 / tape loop.)

The bottom line
I dig it. Were I to assign a letter grade, it might fall around B+. Of course, I don't do that, so let's just go with dope.

BdS 2 - worst accents ever. All the money went to gun battles. A few good one-liners. Excessive male nudity and Rocco/feline cameos. 5/10, true fans will enjoy.

Read more TXT Message Reviews!!!

The movie opens Friday, so don't be the doucebag who doesn't want to talk about it on Monday at the office.

My point is, the last time beatboxing got any real exposure was that wackass freestyle from She's All That or in that Rock Your Body joint by Justin Timberlake. And while JT may have potential - it just becomes a caricature of something great when some kid from a boy band does it (i.e Dick In A Box vis a vis Color Me Bad). I know (repeat from yesterday's podcast, yea yea) that if I approach some kids on the block and ask them what they know/like about beatboxing, some kid will start spitting raspberries into his hands. Contrast that with something like B-boying which is way more popular now then back when Breakin' came out --- or rap. Any kid on the street will tell you how much work rapping is - the streets is tough and all that - but that's it.

So, Neal, are you going to shut up soon? What are you really trying to say? I think what I am trying to say is, my boy J. Stone (NYC STERN CLASS OF 2010!) still has respect for beatboxing AND has fun with it. Perhaps you should check him out. He's been doing this for a little while, all over the world to boot. If that isn't your thing or you are looking for something a little more lowkey/alt, peep his roommate (and fellow Sternie) Corey J.

J. Stone (beatboxing) vs. Diwon (MPC) Live at Shemspeed Sukkot Party @ South Paw

Yes, I did just use a whole post to plug my personal agenda and classmates. It's my blog - deal with it!

I was unaware for example, that you can cover anything you want without permission. Yes, you have to pay some license fees whenever you record, perform, or otherwise 'act' it, but this is an established process and honestly, no one really enforces the live performance part you are actually successful (or U2 (BTW, fuck U2)). Personally, I think this is the bee's knees. As part of the gospel of Scott Sandage, covers and interpretations are an important part of musical evolution. Without them we'd be spinning our musical wheels so to speak, wearing the groove but not much else. Not to mention the power a cover has in connecting an entirely new audience to an older song (i.e. The Fugee's cover of Roberta Flack's Killing Me Softly)

Contrast this with sampling. You can't sell a record without sample clearance in most cases; as a result many great songs end up on unmarketable mixtapes. What does that mean for the artist? Less creative freedom. What does it mean for the consumer? Less choice. Of course, there are plenty of stinkers that come out of sampling. The Diplomats catalog is proof enough that some 80's Rock and R&B tracks needs to be left alone.

Printed works seem to go in reverse. You can write a book that lifts entire passages from another work as long as you properly cite the source and don't claim that it is your own original work. And you can sell your book, without paying the cited author anything, as long as you followed the correct citation protocol. However, you can obviously not rewrite the original work in your own hand and sell it. (Note: do not hand in a paper written by someone else, cite your source, and expect to get an A). While this is the basis for all plagiarism, comparatively few cases are ever pursued in the music industry, (outside stuff like the Vanilla Ice vs. Queen thing or the Milli Vanilli debacle).

Granted, my analogy is less than perfect, and my underlying arguments are based on a 30 minute conversation that I had while sick with the Stern Flu - so be still your raging heart - misinterpretations/totally wrong things may have been made or said. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am below.

Regardless, what I find so interesting about this, is how these essentially opposite use schemes have allowed both music and literature to grow effectively. Where else is that true?

Unrelated but still cool: Tomorrow is the first day of the the A3C Hip Hop Festival in Atlanta. The schedule of performances is here. If you are down south, I would recommend going - since I can't. I think you can still get cheap(ish) tickets online and around.

So what is a man to do when Monday night football, show 1, and show 2 all coincide? Hit up ezRSS.it (formerly tvrss.net) and bookmark feeds for all of your favorite shows. You'll be able to download episodes the morning after they air. It isn't as slick as Hulu, but it's a lot faster. (Bittorrent required).

If you are the type of person who never remembers when things are on, you also need MyTVRss. This site allows you select all your favorite shows and generates a RSS feed that tells you the episode, season, and date of the next showing of your favorite shows. It is a must for season premieres!

I hope this helps you tame your TV habits. Perhaps Kirsten or Nick will chime in later with how they manage their TV habits.

Put down the pants or the doll gets it!

It's been almost 2 months to the day since I wrote this post about the foreign harem pant invasion. While visibly shaken during my stay in Athens, Barcelona, and Paris, I was relieved to find out that harem pants had not caught hold here in NYC.

Then fashion week started.

Now, I don't know if there is a direct correlation between the two, but you do the math. 10 days ago I hadn't seen any harem pants, and to date, I have seen at least 5. I just call 'em like I see 'em folks.

In any case, it's getting cooler in the city. So unless Givenchy or American Apparel are planning on flannel lining these joints, we will probably see them and gladiator sandals relegated to the back of the closet soon.

We recorded and edited this top 9 10 last Wednesday night during Pre-Term Orientation (between the hours of 3-11pm), and I think the results are nothing less than stellar. Please note the Stern acting debut's of Trey, Yolanda, Julia, Xianglei, Matt, and myself as we dish the top 10 reasons to move to New York City! (Special thanks to YoYo the rat, everyone at the West 4th St. courts, and the bartender at the Slaughtered Lamb) And word up to Donny Goines for the ending credits track. (Go cop The Breakfast Club disc NOW!)

Next Week: Your regularly scheduled dose of the Top 9 as Nick presents The Top 9 Reasons Why DC Comics is Now DC Entertainment!

I used to really dig Trey Songz, and his hook on this track is pretty sick; but it's hard for me to give a fuck about Drake or his verses. His flow is just OK - there's no edge or flair to it. Not to mention the thematic content of the song is fucked considering "the times we live in". If I had a tour bus, and said tour bus looked like a 'freakshow', I would not be whining about my tumultuous internal conflicts and struggles with success and fame.

The video is pretty boring too, no more than a vehicle for Trey and Drake's faces. Nothing actually happens, it's all just passing medium shots. But perhaps Drake said it best himself: 'Buzz so big, I could probably sell a blank disc'.

Anyway, I'm glad that 'mini-weezy' has been getting so many guest spots requests recently. It can only increase the chances that he'll record some stellar hits and that he'll get stellar production throughout. As it is, I feel like most of his present hits depend pretty heavily on Weezy/Young Money.

Going back to school is a big deal and a right of passage in my family. It's not so much a question of "if" as it is of "when". Choosing what type of degree to pursue is an ever bigger issue, because who wants to blow 60-100k on another degree if it doesn't directly benefit you? I chose an MBA because (like mechanical engineering), it seems to cover a wide range of topics that gives you a solid good foundation for practical applications. Also, since things move quicker in school, it will help me break out of the corporate 'things take forever' mentality.

I've spent this past week torturing myself over details like buying a bed (my mattress is on quality hold at Ikea??), whether or not I need drywall anchors for the blinds (apparently not), wash and fold vs doing my own laundry (still on the fence), etc. It's crazy how different things are here than in Peoria.

And school itself has me shook because from what I hear, everything moves at a breakneck pace and recruiting starts almost as soon as classes. I'm not sure whether to use a 'brace for impact' or 'go with the flow' strategy. Compound that with the fact that most of these kids already work in finance, so they have a considerable head start.

But all hand-wringing aside, this looks like it'll be a great experience. I'm looking forward to going to concerts and eating edible ethnic food. So if you live near Columbus Circle, or spend time down in the Village, holler at me.

I dig the beat, and while the flow isn't nuclear heatrock or anything, I challenge you to be sad afterward. In any case, the video is cool and the keen eye will notice some key Pittsburgh architecture. Oh, and the girl? That's Nomi Leasure (go go facebook stalking powers)

OMC's How Bizarre was as Dylon would say, FIRE. The horns, the guitar, the proto-bootie dancing by an entirely caucasian crew (something only Monster Magnet was brave/foolhardy enough to emulate), this joint had it all. Compound that with frontman Pauly Fuemana looking like an effeminate Dracula, and you have one of the most memorable pre-hiphop songs of my misspent youth (and by mispent I am refering to my Dorito orange fingers and pasty white indoor skin).

I miss this stuff dearly, though I would not be caught dead with it on my iPod. A friend saw that I had Ace of Base on my joint a few years ago and I have yet to live that down. I guess this is the killer app that karaoke was designed for: nostalgia. How bizarre indeed...

First off, this movie is long, it clocks in around 170 minutes. Wish someone had told me that beforehand. But hey, some stories just don't fit the 120 minute Hollywood paradigm.

In short, I liked it - but it didn't move me. It's not like I had a phantom undescended testicle drop into place during the viewing or something. I didn't feel a strong desire to shout out U-S-A and enlist. If anything, you wonder how Patton succeeded at being such a huge dick for so long before getting reprimanded by Ike.

The second half was eh... I feel like all the cool stuff happened at the beginning - like in Apocalypse Now.

I was also little surprised how much the film clowns Montgomery and the British 8th. I mean, they just made that guy a total joke.

What I liked most was all the in camera work. Obviously in 1970, advanced SFX were yet to come, but nothing looks more real than a real explosion.  They had tanks, and howitzers, and blew up buildings! The cinematography was on point too - you usually don't get a lot of great camera angles with tanks.

It makes no sense that we rely on CG for everything now. I was reading in the WSJ today that it took nearly 9 months to render a CG shot of Dumbledore twirling around some fire in the new HP flick. How is that cheaper or more effective than rigging up some pyrotechnics? I motion for more in camera effects. I want to see dudes in rubber monster suits with Tom Savini makeup - not some pixel shaded microchip mashup. CG is the Autotune of movies, and we all know that Jay Z declared D.O.A. a few weeks back.

Bottomline: Glad I saw it - but not the greatest movie of all time.

Am I the only one who thought George C. Scott was related to Woody Harrelson and Ed O'Neill? I see them in his look and performance. It's a bit creepy. Perhaps Woody will star in a George C. Scott biopic.

My mom just got back from Tunisia and had been telling me about all the history and battles that took place there. The thing is, I had no interest in any of it until Patton strolls through a centuries old battlefield and starts talking about the Carthaginians, Romans, and reincarnation. Clearly all history should be presented as wistful nostalgia by a poetic army general.

Oh, and do I have terrible timing or what? Both Karl Michael Vogler (Field Marshal Erwin Rommel) and Karl Malden (Gen. Omar N. Bradley) just passed (June 9 and July 1 2009).

seriously people?

Of course, late to fashion as I am, AA has been selling these diaper-pants for a few months now. Ok Fine, but I have only recently seen them out and about. But they are out in force: Naxos, Santorini, Athens, Barcelona, and Paris. Imagine squads of saggy butted chicks rolling around in these, all talking about their new Prada bags, going out for drinks later, and strapping on some gladiator sandals to boot. Sometimes the fabric is so thin that I can actually tell when offender is farting! (it totally billows out a bit) And the colors. Usually pink, white, or black. Occasionally blue, and they fall anywhere from knee to ankle.

Please, I implore you blogosphere, what is the appeal of these pants? How is this sexy? I was under the impression that the world universally hated these, burned all the patterns, and refused to ever make more (like candy corn). Is it the extra room in the back? Are those without junk in the trunk trying to make some sort of statement? Are ladies digging the ability to channel their inner Hammer/Vanilla Ice extempore? I just don't get it.

Gross. Gross. Gross. None of you are Princess Jasmine, and even if you were - would you really be wearing garbage like this? Seriously ladies, lay off the harem pants.

Dear Hot 97,

As a recently returned New England-expat, I was very excited to listen to Hot 97 in my car again. I remember how you brought the heat, musically speaking, and kept me up to date on hiphop. Without a doubt, Hot 97 was the only radio station qualified to serenade my ears. Hot 97 was a shining oasis in a sea of Prophet,  Clear Channel, and short playlists.

You may notice my use of the past tense above; it is intentional. The Hot 97 of today, is rather different from the one I used to listen too in high school and during college breaks. Apparently today's playlist was a unending loop of 3 Drake/Young Money tracks (Best I Ever Had, Every Girl, Successful, and now That One w/ MJB). For every six times I heard Drake, I heard maybe one JayZ (D.O.A), Wale (Chillin), or even Kid Cudi (Day and Night - the techno remix no less) track. (ed note: for those of you regular readers, you may notice some similarity to/overlap with this week's Culturology. I can assure you that I drafted this at least a week before Pete last logged into WordPress)

Now, I understand Drizzy and anyone even remotely affiliated with Lil Wayne is a hot commodity these days. I also know that you have to give the people what they want. I've even begun to accept the rapid decline of hiphop thanks to youngsters like Soulja Boy and ignorant fools like Shawty Lo. I get all that. I know that radio has a lot to do with money.

But when did you allow jackass Weezy et al to outright buy your playlist? Last I checked, blatant over the counter payola was illegal. And, how on EARTH is Fab's Throw It In The Bag track your #1 on the midday countdown? Clearly the streets are not being represented. Anyone with even half  a brain knows that the last track Fab did with any semblance of 'heatrock'ness was Breathe. Additionally, does Miss Info provide anything that her blog does not? I don't want to hear celebrity news during my midday forays into the city, all I want is hiphop! And another thing, how about a little old school RnB in the morning - give the kids a little taste of where some of these killer samples came from. I don't mean the 90's, I mean Chaka Khan's Through The Fire and Robert Flack's Killing Me Softly. There is (was?) an independent station in Rochester (whose name I don't recall since it's been 5 years) that does this amazingly well. Seriously, drive your asses to Rochester for some dope ass radio.

Obviously, I can get my musical fix via alternate methods, but I maintain that radio is the purest form of in-car entertainment. Additionally, my iPod was stolen the week and my car can't handle XM, so throw me a frickin' bone here. Moreover, I want to like Hot 97, it has a storied history of world premiers and exclusives. I value that and good programming. As they say, variety is the spice of the life. So let's put the heat back in Hot 97!

Sincerely,

Neal - AudioShocker.com

Granted, radio is hardly relevant beyond one's car, what with the internet and all. But you get what I'm trying to say right? On another note, I'll be out of blog range until the 21st. Peace!

Or not. I only got about 10 minutes into The Brown Bunny before someone asked me to do something and I got sidetracked, but as I recall, Chloe Sevigny gives him a hummer onscreen. And the general media was mortified. I don't know what went wrong, perhaps it was one hit wonderdom, or maybe homeboy should stick to being a rocker. I'm not sure, but I know homeboy has another good movie in him.

Buffalo 66 took a while to get started but it built to a great ending. Today's loser/slacker comedies are heavy on slapstick and breakneck pacing: Airplane! to the extreme. Perhaps another Gallo film would help us remember how great it is to have a beat in between laughs. The world isn't some witty Xkcd panel or an episode of The Office. Not everything has to be mile a minute laughs.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that.

The elevator opens up and bam - a freaking dog. no leash, no shame, just a big old fatass dog. To his left, hot babe, and to his right, some dude in sunglasses slanking against the glass. Tight squeeze, but we all shuffle in. I'm bored so I just stare straight ahead while homie cracks jokes about being unable to control the dog.

My sister took an actual picture and all, but it's from the back, poorly lit, etc.

Ground floor. Dog and handlers leave while my fam and I stroll out. My sister waits a beat, then whips around and says, "do you know who what was?!" me: "no?" "that was definitely John Legend!!" The doorman confirms, but I'm still skeptical. We creep outside so big sis can have her starstruck moment and witness an unfettered poochface and his model mommy un into traffic and nearly get creamed. Convincing? Almost. Few people other than famous / rich people allow their pets to run free all over a major city like NYC. Then, I spy the most damning of proof: his air-freaking-yeezies. If that isn't proof positive of celebrity and thus identity - well, I'm not sure what is.

Anyway. I'm not a big fan of Legend's music, but celebsightings are always neat. I beleive he is playing at Foxwoods or the other CT Casino in August with India.Arie.

My welcome home was just plain super. I woke up yesterday morning to find my front passenger window busted out, console/glovebox riffled, and iPod stolen. Have you ever cleaned up safety glass? It just crumbles in your hands, takes forever. It wasn't even on the street, it was in my driveway! Add to this the whole corp card debacle and things are looking mighty shiny for the kid.

Oh, and while I was in Pittsburgh, I stupidly upgraded to WP 2.8. As a result, I lost the advanced navigation features on the blog (which Nick is actually pumped about). I got the blog working though. Then last night everything went pear shaped again, so I contacted dreamhost's support and asked if we could downgrade to 2.7.1. Well, they did - by restoring a backup from like 7 months ago - not what I wanted. So after some downloading/web searchery/hackery/etc I was able to get the site working again. No thanks are necessary, just your everlasting gratitude. That is the last time I upgrade WP just because it tells me to.

But I ain't whining. I'm going to Barcelona/Athens/Paris next month, and shortly thereafter will be moving to NYC. Things are actually pretty effin' awesome.

Regina's new album Far drops on the 23rd, and Laughing With is the lead single. I know nothing about it, so I won't color my expectations with online press/junket crap. Instead, I will say I am super effing psyched. I loved her last disc, Begin to Hope, and I ended up getting all her previous stuff and seeing her live in Chicago back in 2007. I was a bit fanatical then. But hey, what's wrong with being a Regina Stan?

Laughing With seems to be a departure from the typical Regina. There is little if any dynamic range to the vocals and the piano track is way too smooth. You would never guess that this cute redhead was capable of ballbusting tracks like Flyin, Hotel Song, or Poor Little Rich Boy. Which actually brings up a sidepoint that some of her best tracks have very little piano in them at all. (Sacrilege, I know). And where is the catchy hook? Everyone knows a good lead single has to have a catchy hook!

I'm not saying I hate it, but I am saying it isn't what I was hoping for. I wanted Regina to come flying out of the gate like she did last time. Compare Laughing With to Regina's last lead single Fidelity. Fidelity is infinitely better, both acoustically and visually. It is an engaging song with highs and lows and a cute video to match. Laughing With is a downer with a boring video. Fidelity built up to a fun ending, while Laughing With ends just as lackadaisically as it began.

So Regina, I take back my comment from earlier this year back, you were never on my "shitlist", just my "come on release something already!" list. That said - I am praying for a killer second single. Laughing With is a weak effort and I know you are capable of something 10x better.

Ed Note: Moving sucks. I'm in the process of moving out and it is just a total mess. Selling furniture, putting stuff in storage, cleaning the place, paring down to the essentials - blah blah blah. The only joy I get is from tossing stuff in the dumpster. Obviously this is no excuse for irregular posting, but try to be sympathetic, ok?

Were any of you even ready to handle MObama coming in at 3:03? I nearly lost it people. We're talking a near miss.

Oh BTW, I'm officially on educational leave as of 4pm today and headed to the sunny beaches of Folly Beach, SC. I'll see all your broke asses in a week! ESTOY DE VACACIONES!

Despite with these relative disappointments, there are a number of other records I am looking forward too.

Amy Winehouse - Say what you will about Amy Baby's drug wacked out lifestyle, Back to Black was a phenomenal disc. I've been waiting for something new since 2007. Hurry the fuck up Amy!

Modest Mouse - I was late on the MM bandwagon, but I made up for it with rabid fandom. Much like Amy, MM hasn't given me a studio worthy in a hot minute. I hear there is an EP upcoming in August, but until then, I'll be Satin In A Coffin.

Clipse - Road Till The Casket Drops - If the mixtape remixes are any indication, the album should be great. I'm talking hardbottomed knock and carefully exaggerated punchlines. Clipse isn't always 100% - but when they're on, they're on. (a lot like Cam). And if you still need proof, listen to Kind of A Big Deal. You'll be sold.

Rilo Kiley or Feist - Yeah, I know they are totally different, but either would be sufficient for another year. Perhaps RK, Feist's last disc is probably still sufficient for another year (that goes double for The Ting Tings). There are only so many albums I can overplay in a year.

The Cool Kids - When Fish Ride Bicycles - I'm sorry, I had to mention it. I'll shut up now!

That's all I got for today. What records are you waiting for?

Chuck Season Finale
From the moment Chuck threw the first kick, Kirsten called it, 'Guys, I know Kung-Fu'. Cue her cheering and me groaning. It was a great ep - but if NBC axes the show, I won't cry too much. This is as natural an endpoint as any. We all knew Chuck would re-up with the Intersect, but who knew his dad was one too? Bringing Chuck's dad back as a recurring character and killing off Bryce is way too shark jumpy for me. Compound that with Devon knowing about Chuck's secret identity and things get sticky. Plus now Chuck is some sort of super autodidact? Too Matrixy. My opinion: lock all this shit down in S3E1 or just end the show now and leave people salivating.

Did you miss the ep? watch it here courtesy of Hulu:

The Cool Kids - Gone Fishing Mixtape
(Ed. Note: Neal selected The Cool Kids' Bake Sale as 2008 You Don't Suck Awards Music Winner)
The mixtape dropped on Monday. This is just the quiet before the storm (When Fish Ride Bicycles). You have to love how artists are using the lead up to their studio albums to drop free mixtapes full of even more great tracks. Peep Champions for a great piano beat and the updated Pennies remix for guest verses by Luda and Bun B. The tape is a little overstuffed considering the typical Cool Kids release is between six and eleven tracks. Of course, single artist 'mixtapes' regularly weigh in over 30 tracks, so whatever. Also take a listen to Hammer Bros. and Broadcasting Live.

House - S5E23 - Under My Skin
Great episode. The patient's skin sloughs off, House detoxes, and though I'll miss halluci-Amber... DO IT TO IT HOUSE! HIT THAT! Um, anyway, moving on....

Eminem - 3 A.M Music Video

Cold Garbage. I can't even watch the whole thing. The flow is terrible and the visuals are as trite as it gets. I'm not feeling any of the cuts I have heard from Relapse so far. I hope he's saving the best for later.

Swine Flu
What's the quickest way to get the pig flu? Twitter! Get it? It's a joke. (though not a very timely one) Anyway, this is about as much H1N1 as any blog post should have, so I'm done with that, and this blog post. BOOYAH!

Even poorly lit, this t-shirt looks amazing

Sold yet? If so, holler at us and maybe we'll order some real ones on purple or black shirts. If you really like the white one - I'll setup a Cafepress storefront.

Neal thinks it stinks

Was not a fan. Alt ending was lame. The whole thing was just refs to other characters and setups for other movies. Remy was shitty too. And Will.I.Am??

Nick attended a later screening in Pittsburgh and had this to say:

Nick says it's a go

I enjoyed the Wolverine movie. It had its problems but overall it was pretty fun. They really fucked up Deadpool, but it still managed to make sense. 7 outta 10

Personally, I think Mr. Marino is being way too generous (I do agree re Deadpool), but he is entitled to his opinion (as are you). Look for our heated debate on Tuesday, in Podcast Episode 79!

This is where I should probably tell you about my predictions for summer jams. The thing is, I haven't heard a Hey Ma, Hot In Herre, or Izzo (HOVA) yet this year. Am I destined to spend my precious 4 days on the beach listening to Lady Gaga, Flo Rida, and (gasp) Jeezy!? If so, kill me now and spare me the horror. But, perhaps my musical sphere is just too small - I do live in a musical vacuum afterall.

So help me out here AudioShocker readers: What are your 2009 Summer Jam picks?

Need some more inspiration? This track, Would You Like To Ride, by Mr. West, Malik Yousef, and Common was my joint around... 2003 or 2004. The track is syrupy smooth and works whether you are cruising at 25, blazing at 80, or just standing still. Kanye stuck to the basics and relied on a few simple samples combined with a steady knocking beat. West's verse gives us a preview of the great wordplay we've come to associate him with, and Common just destroys Erykah Badu. If you weren't already up on this one -- act like you know!

Sadly, the video is trash - but real summer jams should be on the stereo - not your television!

The album drops 4/21 (4:20 FAIL)

Ha - what a clever title! Anyway, let's get to it.  We've all seen the I Love College video.  We've all heard the requisite Eminem comparisons. We've all thought to ourselves, "Seriously? Is this guy for real?" These days, Ash Roth, like Soulja Boy's wack ass, seems to be inescapable when it comes to hip hop.

I'm not sure I really buy the whole package - but I was willing to give him (and maybe next week Bobby Ray (formerly B.o.B)) a shot. I mean, I Love College is obviously a gimmick right? There has to be something else.

And I think there might be. I copped the album, Asleep In The Bread Aisle, the other night and I have been putting it through it's paces. I'll reserve my comments for the Podcast, so I actually have time for an informed opinion, but a couple quick notes.

Production seems solid, the beats are simple and uncomplicated. To it's credit, the album is actually pretty light on guests considering the amount of hype that dude has. Chester French, Busta, New Kingdom, Jazzy Pha, Cee-lo, Beanie Siegel - that is pretty good for a debut album these days.

How nuts is this mixtape cover?!

So far, two tracks are standing out to me, Bad Day (ft. Jazzy Pha) and Fallin'. They're both story tracks (I really dig story tracks) with decent beats and are a little different than what I had heard up till now.

Fallin' gives you a piece of where Ash is coming from (or if you are a cynical dick - where the label wants him to come from). take a listen for a different take on Roth.

Bad Day - if it had a few more sound effects, increased BPM, more bass, and a little bit of manic yelling would be a dead ringer for an Eminem track. The track is great (and short!) - but Ash, please don't shoot a video for it. It will only cement your image as an Em-clone. Use Sour Patch Kids or something instead.

Too lazy to download? Well too bad, YouTube removed all the embeds I had. Pfffff

That is about as far as I have gotten so far, so stay tune in next Tuesday!

9. 2 for 1. If you play your cards right, you may get invited to two consecutive seders. Imagine Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner back to back.

8. Exclusivity. Outside large Jewish communities, Passover largely flies under the radar. As such, most seders I have been to were pretty small and intimate. I always got a kick out of being the only Indian kid in town who knew the bread prayer.

7. Matzo ball soup. Like I could really leave this out, talk about a staple!

6. Passover Coke. I suppose it is a symptom of living in Peoria that I just found out about this. (and no, this isn't kosher cocaine) I am going to buy every freaking yellow capped bottle I see. (no HFCS!)

Follow the yellow cap to HFCS-free bliss

5. Brisket. No joke. I love me some hot and juicy brisket. I'll chomp on that stuff until my jaw hurts. Everyone in Sq seems to be a genius when it comes to beef.

4. Finding the afikoman. I can't say I was ever very good at this game - but it was a lot of fun tearing the place apart looking for a piece of matzo.

3. Wine. 4 cups - it's a Rabbinic requirement. Nothing says awesome like a religiously mandated tipple.

2. The Passover story. When we were kids, my parents would always invite stranded CMU grad students over for Thanksgiving and my sister and I would have to recite the story of the first Thanksgiving. So come spring, it was nice to have someone else do the storytelling.

My only weakness

1. Manischewitz Macaroons. You know, I could do a Top 9 based on Manischewitz products alone, but these macaroons, seemingly available only during Passover, are my favorite. I buy these suckers by the truckload every chance I get.

That's it folks. Nick will be back next week with a superwacky Texas themed Top 9. Stay tuned!

More: The Top 9 UK Oddities

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what Nick calls math.

But have you ever wondered what you could do with a pack of extra-large pingpong balls, some color filters, a couple friends, and a half hour of tape? Apparently Consequence and Rik Cordero did, and the result is this totally awesome (and short) music video for Buggin' Out 2009. I am digging the simplicity and crazy eye antics. Sometimes less is more people. (aspiring video directors take note!). And how do I feel about throwing back to an old Tribe song? I'll co-sign that too.

Want to see more lo-fi video classics? Check out Mjeezy in Emancipation (you'll have to use your auditory imagination since YouTube went all gestapo) or my onscreen debut in ETwo.

(Nick is totally gonna kill me for calling his stuff lo-fi!)

That said, what is so bad about sniffing sharpies and waking up with wood? Those are totally natural things that no one should not be ashamed of. Sometimes I call people and tell them about it; just ask Nick.

Like last week, I have not had enough time to digest the new disc, but I can say the following: I like the mixtape more!

The tape got me hyped up and in the space of 15 minutes, and I went from being totally ignorant about U-N-I to loving their style. But A Love Supreme is not doing it for me. I'll need some more time to get into it.

Perhaps it was the frenetic energy and novelty of the Mick Boogie mixtape. Honestly, I'm not sure what is up, the beat production, MCs, etc are the same. So what happened to the heat?

The first 7 tracks do nothing for me. They are non-grooveable tracks. Supreme gets meta and the punchlines get lost in the hyperactive wordplay. If this is supposed to be a mock brag track - I am not feeling it. In fact, the lyricism seems lacking throughout the disc - but that may be due to my extremely brief listening period... Anyway. Lately starts off with this cool 'tick tick tick' percussive beat and then the background synth's and adlibs ruin it.

And The second half of the disc isn't much better. Voltron, track 8 of 15, is the first with any knock. But, it cops the organ style too hard and comes off sounding like a really copycat of The Cool Kids Delivery Men.

Hammertime is 3 minutes and 19 seconds of warm garbage. How is this even a song? Lauren London may be a beautiful video chick, but she is irrelevant to this track. Halftime sounds like a reject / pre-vocoder demo from 808's and Heartbreak.

A Love Supreme, the eponymous and final track, is the only track that fits. And that is only because it is a snoozeworthy track closing out a totally underwhelming album.

I don't mean to be overly pejorative, but this disc goes against all of my (albeit limited) experience with U-N-I. Perhaps Y-O and Thurz just wanted to go in a different direction? I say that because even their first collaboration, Chicken and Watermelon kept it upbeat and exciting with Let Me Be, Fat Girl, etc. And, as I said before, Before There Was Love was packed full of great tracks: Cali Soul, Cast'em Out, Think About It, Run Son, Monster, etc - that tape is a five alarm fire!

The Bottom Line: Better luck next time.

So what can I write about that is timely, perhaps SXSW? Neh. I wasn't there and I am just not that hip. (I didn't know about the Air Yeezy till January!)  But what then? Ok, I got it: a quick preview of three upcoming/recent albums that I am interested in. Disclaimer: I really have not had much time with any of these discs, my opinions are likely to change in a couple weeks.

MF DOOM - Born Like This

Honestly, no Doom joint is ever going to top Rhymes Like Dimes. And, I kinda fell out of love with Doom's records after Nick's fateful 21st birthday. But I suppose all of that is irrelevant to this discussion.

Doom returns with more of those crazy ill beats that make you think "what the hell was he on?" Are you looking for more out of context narration over superhero cartoon music? Well, look no further than Cellz.

Gazillion Ear (get it?) is probably the track everyone will talk about, but it is classic Doom. In general, the collabo's aren't terribly inspiring (look out for Raekwon and Ghostface)

Still Dope does remind me of Rhymes though - if for no other reasons than because the beat is similar and I can actually make out the lyrics - of course that is probably because Doom isn't even on it.

I suppose if you are a hardcore MF fan, you will cop this regardless, but I can never dig more than 10% of a Doom album.

The Decemberists - Hazards of Love

Colin Meloy and his band are all about the concept album, and Hazards is just that. A story about some starcrossed lovers set to music in the style of everyone's favorite sea shanty singers. Really, that should be enough of a description for you.

The disc starts with a three minute organ prelude track that's like a really long THX demo at the movies. After that, it all sounds like ye olde Decemberists album. Again, I have only spent about a week of discontinuous listening on this - but while I really dug the previous 4 albums, I am finding this one a bit harder to get into.

The songs are self contained, but does anyone listen to an album linearly anymore? If this were a record, or if it had visuals, or performed live - I might be more inclined towards it. As it stands, Hazards is just way too hip for me.

And another thing! I feel like The Decemberists stole their whole MO from Squonk Opera. Anyone who is anyone in Western PA knows about Squonk after all. Basically, they combine music, art, and drama into their own brand of opera. It is actually pretty fucking cool. Check out their album Inferno to get a taste.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz

Perhaps I am most excited about It's Blitz. Back when they were just coming out and Maps was burning up the charts, I was totally out of the loop, (much as I am now) but was intrigued by this tiny 3 piece band and all their energy. I think my fledgling interest in Modest Mouse helped prepare me as well.

So, what up with this disc? It left me with a number of questions that perhaps you guys can answer: Did Yeah Yeah Yeahs always use keyboards this much? Is this supposed to be an electronic dance record? Heads Will Roll and Soft Shock have me thinking Goldfrapp (or am I totally off base here?) And do I hear some Feist-y influence coming through?

But don't get it twisted. I dig the keyboards and I like Feist. It's cool how the record is all over the place. Every track (except the lead single, Zero) has a big sound, and the disc ranges from in your face to subdued (Little Shadow). Of course, subdued is relative.

So far, Dull Life is my favorite track. It has the driving guitar I was looking for and the strained Karen O vocals that I desire. And for those wanting to relive the past, Shame and Fortune recalls Gold Lion. Dragon Queen had me grooving too - but it even if it probably isn't radio hit material.

Basically, despite the truncated gestation period, I am telling you to go buy It's Blitz.

The Track: Let me be clear here. I fucking love the backbeat. Producers have been killing it on percussion recently. I could do without the baby voice as it reminds me a lot of Beyonce's Diva, but it isn't nearly as annoying here. At the end of the track, it drops out and then there is that "bop bop bop beat it up like a drummer" thing. Classic! It is a real nice touch.

Let's talk punchlines and lyrics. Ever since This Is Why I'm Hot, MIMS street cred has been under scrutiny. I mean, he is about as hard as Will.I.Am or Flo Rida. So when MIMS brings lines like:

When I roll up on you niggas like a ska-ter
Move if you wanna when you see that red la-ser
No matter how you move bet that infrared will chase ya
Then I keep it movin, homey see you la-ter

I have to close my eyes and pretend that he is someone else - someone who I perceive as being a more thuggish ruggish dude. Afterall, MIMS has more in common with hipster-hop than he does Suge Knight. But here is the real test: do I keep listening to it? Yes. It is a fun track. I'd pump this in my car now that the weather is breaking.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not address the whole "MIMS is jockin' Gillie Da Kid's flo" thing. I see where everyone is coming from, and MIMS does look pretty guilty. However, unlike Gillie, he amps it up and keeps the flo dynamic. I do not care for Gillie's seeming monotone. And another thing. It's not like Gillie invented the fast/slow flow. Busta Rhymes and plenty of other artists have employed it in the past.

The Video: Talk about simple. There is very little art to this video. I feel like it is a cross between something The Cool Kids would do and the moving dolly part of Will Smith's Summertime. Basically, we have MIMS sidescrolling through some street scenes with some random dancers on a short loop. It is an interesting take on the standard performance video, but it doesn't do anything for me.

The 3 second loop thing is kind of pointless. Maybe if there were some scratching on the track it would have made sense? And the twisting thing? Also stupid. For a lead single/video I expected something more kinetic - especially considering the title.

The Bottom Line: It's hot - feel free to turn up the volume (in your car).

* Denotes non-weekly features... so don't get all pissy if these skip a week or two!

As for the weekends, expect to see some TXT Message Reviews of the latest movies in theaters, the occasional 3 Panel Reviews of comics both modern and classic, and Beatcast podcasts stuffed full of original music.

I am not the type of person to shy away from paying for decent gear. I buy chi-chi organic food. I have a thing for raw and selvage denim. I own 4 iPods and a macbook. I am a fan of shiny new shit. But, I also know a good deal when I see it. Things should have a decent use/price ratio - and I am afraid that luxury sneakers do not. I may buy a pair of Dunk SBs or  Jordan I Low Phats this year, but those will cost like 1/6 of the cheapest kicks here.

Photo via NiceKicks, check out their full coverage!

You know how there are people who deny that The Holocaust ever happened? Kanye and Louis Vuitton are basically pulling the same shit with the recession. Honestly, who can rationalize spending $800+ on sneakers? I can not even fathom the type of person who would cop these. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I know sneaker heads will do all sorts of stuff for the newest grip, but this seems like too much. Maybe I just don't know from sneakers...

And while I am clearly not a sneaker-head, how ugly are those Jaspers on the bottom? The words 'fresh', 'dope', and 'sick' do not come to mind. If I had to pick a celebrity sneaker right now, I would check out the 'Evolution of Air Pack' from the new Nike / Lance Armstrong Stages collection.

Thanks to The Smoking Section for putting me up on this.

Fat Joe claims to have overcome diafatties with hiphop. Umm REALITY CHECK?!

I haven't done a Slang of the Week in a while, but today seems like as good a day as any. I'd like to introduce you to a term that I believe is uniquely my own. A quick Urban Dictionary search turned up nothing and even the Google results are sparse. As such, I am laying claim to diafatties. Self-explanatory? Perhaps, but I know there are some of you just wishing you had come up with this. So many people we know suffer from this disease, and we hope that you'll join us in our campaign to increase awareness.

di·a·fatt·ies [dahy-uh-fat-teez]
-noun Pathology
1. Any of several conditions characterized by excess body fat: Joe needs to hit the gym for his diafatties treatment. The doctor prescribed two hours a day on the treadmill until he gets down to 250 lb.
2. An excuse for your horrible corpulence: Adam gets winded pretty quick because he suffers from constant-onset diafatties.

[Origin: This one is an AudioShocker original people]

The Track: While I always dug the beat, the Dream's crappy falsetto is just earthshatteringly annoying. I am so glad he reached out and brought in some of the game's best lyricists. Juelz, Luda, and Fab are masters of the punchline -- and getting all three of them on the same track is major. They really redeemed this otherwise wasted beat.

Fab spends half his verse referring to JayZ and Crime Mob before he pulls out something funny:

Let me drop a jewel on ya, put a rock in ear
Can I call you nana? cause you got that rockin' chair

Luda's verse is heavy on 'lovey dovy' crap instead of double entendre punchlines, but he makes an attempt:

The thought is sensational, it's perfect bliss
I'm ready to take the milky way to your hershey's kiss
You know my tongue's got batteries in it
The bedroom, we lose calories in it & start families in it

Ricky Ross' verse is short and terrible. It is all forced gov/president references, and they all fall flat.

But Juelz Santana cold shuts it down:

Call me Mr. Shoe- shine, baby I'm a polish ya
And I leave ya spit clean, I don't use no polisher

So get another shot of ciroc in ya
Cause I'm gon' be rockin' ya
Treat you like my first lady
I'll put my Barack in ya

The Video: What we have here is a hot tranny mess of style jockin'. This video is a less creative version of Kanye's Golddigger -- which of course involves the whole "couple guys and some models" treatment. The difference is it's the guys who are on the magazine covers, and not pinup girls. And whose idea was it to outfit Fab AND Juelz in  LouisV gear? That is way too much product placement! Oh, and is it just me or does The Dream looks exactly like Chris Breezy from the Freeze video?

And you know what? 'Rockin that thang' amounts to 2-stepping for pretty girls. Even Crime Mob threw in some poppin' and dippin'. This is about as involved as the dancing in a Shwayze video. Is it just me, or is club-style hiphop dancing getting really lazy? I mean Lean With It Rock With It,  The Stanky Leg, The Arab Money Dance... I think I might be onto something.

Finally, a general query for all of you out there in the blogosphere: is there a website/repository that lists video girls and what videos they have been in? I'm thinking of something like iMDB for music videos. It would give me another dimension for these posts.

The Bottom Line: I suppose that sometimes, guest spots can polish up a turd.

Vivid. Rorschach does not disappoint. Manhattan's CG was terrible - and Ozzy pins it all on him? Opening credits were long, but good use of the Hollis material.

Doc Manhattan ponders it all

Lesser things worth mentioning: The mix, or at least the hits are very crisp;  you can hear bones snapping and the sickening thuds in astounding aural clarity. Costumes were done well too. I can't help but think that Mad Men is responsible for the reemergence of skinny ties. And to those excited by CG male genitalia - there is plenty of blue Manhattan penis!

The beat is dead simple: knock and keyboards. It could be a little heavier (this is DipSet...) but it fits the track pretty well. I wonder if we're going to see a lot of YouTube freestyles over this one.

The video is fairly literal, and low budget - but isn't that exactly what a economically conscious video should be? Killa doesn't try to impress us with his acting skills either, he keeps it real. I totally buy that he doesn't really know how to conduct himself in a job interview. I also buy the idea that no one would give him any respect in a job interview, regardless of how polite he was.

And getting a job with a few priors? Cam knows it isn't easy.

I went in for an interview, for delivery
"Locked up, felonies?" now the dude's quizzing me
You working on my future, why you need to know my history?
All he did was Google me, no big mystery

Like I said, it isn't complex, but it is a good track. What IS a little more complex is the public's infatuation with Jim Jones.

In the last couple years, Jones' career has really taken off - but WHY? For some reason, guys like Yayo, Flav, Farnsworth Bentley, and now Jones - all former hypemen - get tons of airplay. And while I could sit here and philosophize about how I think he is aiming himself squarely at the frat demographic, instead I'll leave you with Jones' new video for Na Na Nana Na Na, which in addition to being the polar opposite of Cam's, just dropped as I was writing this post. (Jeebus, a Élan Luz Rivera cameo? She is just all up in my mindspace this week!) Enjoy.

Check out The D.E.Y.'s new video for I Need You. It's got three short vignettes and the track is just plain feel good. Look out for Obama's body double at 1:47! I'm digging it, and of course my thing for Élan Luz Rivera is totally unrelated. Check out Divine's MySpace page for some preview tracks off the album.