It’s another installment of FNMTV, 5 super quick music video reviews from the master of vitriol (me). This week’s videos were ‘easy listening’ for the most part. Don’t believe me? Check them out for yourself.
Jonas Brothers - Burnin Up (Live)
OMFG it’s Hanson! No wait, it’s a non-girl-looking version of Hanson that wishes it was Maroon 5. As usual, this live performance is kind of half-assed. Watch the real video instead. It’s stupid, but Danny Trejo is in it for like 3 seconds. That dude is awesome.
Nelly - Body On Me
Uhm… Did Nelly and Ashanti get back together? Am I that out of the loop? Didn’t he crush her and she was doing late night drivebys or something? Either way, this is a pretty low impact video. Akon’s voice is nearly tolerable for once too. Nothing special or even that flashy here. Surprising considering the whole thing takes place in a casino.
Shwayze - Corona and Lime
I won’t comment on how ridiculous Shwayze is as a concept. You can read the artist bio yourself. The video is funny enough though. It’s a little California Girls and a little Weird Al. That said, these have to be the whitest and least freaky deaky ‘video-hos’ ever. You could take this video home to mama or show it to your 8 year old.
Slipknot - Psycho Social
All I know about Slipknot is that they have a lot of drummers and they like masks. Both were present and I think I saw a tympany too. There is some stuff on fire - giant paper mache heads I believe. Who writes the treatments for these videos? If I were a record label exec I would be thinking, “My toddler’s nightmares are more creative than this.”
Lesley Roy - I’m Gone, I’m Going
Only two words to describe this: CHUBRIL LAVIGNE.
As I came out of the 4pm show today, I received a text message asking me if I wanted to see Batman at 9:15, with a 7:15 dinner/ticket pickup. I curtly informed the gentleman that I had just screened the very same film. When he inquired as to how I had already performed this feat, I promptly replied, “I am a man. I make time for important things.”
It is with this same level of personal duty or dharma, that I bring you my mobile review. As per the usual, 160 characters or less and typed out to Nick with a quickness known only to Jay Garrick and his successors.
Now that’s what im talking about! dent and joker were well cast. twoface makeup is wacker than batman’s voice though. brutal film. savage.
Tuesday’s podcast will be heavily focused on The Dark Knight. I hope that isn’t a problem.
Trailer Addict just posted the new Watchmen trailer that will premier before Batman tomorrow. We finally get to see Dr. Manhattan. and can you believe that Malin Akerman, of The Heartbreak Kid and Harold & Kumar fame, is playing Laurie Juspeczyk? The trailer is heavy on CG - but for a book like The Watchmen, I’m not sure you could do it any other way. I can’t wait to see Rorschach yell “I’m not locked in here with you — You’re locked in here with me!”
Keri Hilson just released the video for the lead single Energy off her new album. I don’t know much about Keri, but it turns out she actually has been active for some time. I do know that Timbaland has been promoting her quite a bit these last few months though. So, how does the video stack up? Read on to find out.
The Track: When I realized this was the track from the Verizon commercial I’ve seen at the movies for the last 2 months, I almost shut it off. But I lingered. It turns out the worst part of the song is that keyboard intro before the bass really drops in. The beat is courtesy of The Runaways and not Timbaland. No guest verse, no vocoder, no screechy notes, no skits, no dance breakdown, none of that stuff. It is listenable, and so far, I haven’t noticed the severely flawed logic present in other current hits such as Danity Kane’s Damaged. Love it or hate it - prepare to hear this in the club all effing summer long.
The Video: Whoever wrote the treatment for this video watches a lot of HBO. This is Million Dollar Baby meets Flashdance meets The Pussy Cat Dolls. Confused? There is boxing, a wardrobe stolen from Jennifer Beals’ closet, and wet hair / dancing that reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. Perhaps she rubbed off on Keri during the Scream shoot?
It probably went something like this: Ok, We’ll dress up Keri in something totally backdrop-inappropriate and she will alternatively spar and makeout with her trainer; he must have tattoos. Oh - she knocks some other chick out too, and at the end she gets ugly highlights and leaves.
Keri’s silver tapsuit (is that what it’s called?) is as ridiculous as her interpretive dancing/voguing, and I swear I saw some Happy Hands Club choreography in there. It was kind of hard to watch this without wanting to laugh. Hilson does look good and is clearly doing the damn thing, but I’m not sold.
The Bottom line:Energy is better heard and not seen.
me: I think I found my next Girl I Want To Stick It To
ro: Oh yeah? ro: Who
neal: Cute Female Vocalist aka Sara Bareilles / Aimee Mann / Fiona Apple / Regina Spektor neal: well ok, Aimee Mann isn’t really “cute” ro: CFV…where do you come up with this stuff?
Sara Bareilles may have a strong nose, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing and her music is accessible - which I like in my female vocalists. She writes songs that aren’t atrocious, spiked with vocoder, or full of the screechy notes that R&B divas are infatuated with.
Aimee Mann’s music is like Valium, and that combined with a shot of Jack Daniels is how I get through winter. Thanks Chris, (my roommate from freshman year) for introducing me.
Fiona Apple recorded the best music she ever would when she was 16, but it took me till I was 25 to realize it. That record gets a lot of play according to my iTunes stats. Fiona is sort of the antithesis of a PPG but that pout is pretty attractive.
And Regina! Regina Spektor is too cute for words and it’s disarming. One minute you’re listening to these sweet love songs and then BAM! she’s cursing like a sailor, singing about about ODing, and belting out funny ditties about people fucking to her music.
The conversation ended pretty abruptly since Ro was busy last week, but you get the point. Female vocalists and particularly those who play the piano, (do you play Aimee?), rank pretty high in my book. My friend Evan came to the same conclusion a year or two before I did and he won’t let me forget it.
Cute Female Vocalist, I’d love to help you warm up before the show. Don’t get it? How about this: I’d like to stick it to you.
FNMTV is back like cooked crack. Unfortunately for the 2 of you that got that reference, Juelz Santana is nowhere to be found. Once again scraping the bottom of the barrel, I bring you MTV’s newest video premieres in “quickie” review style.
LL Cool J - Baby
Mr. Smith brings the ennui with a vocoder chorus, weak rhymes, terrible attempts at dancing, graphic Ts, and endorsements of drunk driving.
She and Him - Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward spin us a macabre acid trip with a subdued soundtrack. She gets axed a few times, there are some sort of Pacman-esque ghosts, and then I’m not sure what happens. It sort of kills me to watch this since Zooey is capable of so much better.
Daughtry - What About Now: 90 Second Preview
Is this supposed to be a PSA or a reimagining of Van Halen’s Right Now? Either way, it’s so boring that even MTV could only stomach 90 seconds of it.
Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl (Live)
Zooey Deschanel doppelganger hops around in a short floral print jumper singing her crappy song. Nothing to see here folks. Seriously.
So, after a hiccup where I lost the entire blog, we are now running Wordpress 2.5.1. I also updated K2 and that seems to have caused some ongoing problems as well. Old podcasts should be available again sometime tomorrow. Basically, I lost deleted them… I am never updating wordpress ever again. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my entire Saturday…
I think I am a somewhat well dressed fellow considering that I live in a Midwest sinkhole. I don’t rock sweatpants outside the house, my belt matches my shoes, I don’t have a mullet, and I am aware of trends before they appear at Old Navy. I am definitely no Sartorialist, but no one has ever said “Wow Neal you look like shit today” either. I believe this qualifies me to say the following: gladiator sandals are ugly.
I chose to bring this up now that we are in the heat of summer. Everywhere I go, girls are rocking these ridiculous things. It reeks of Crocs. I don’t understand the appeal, or the practicality of fastening and unfastening upwards of 5 buckles. They come in heels, boots, knee highs, flats, etc too. The message is: no matter what kind of shoes you like, we can make them ugly.
You need perfect legs to make the look even remotely palatable - like this, and if the shoes don’t match the outfit - forget it. I imagine this trend is costing American’s hundreds in pedicures. There go all those stimulus checks! Less important, considering what women will endure in the name of fashion, is the total lack of arch support. Perhaps one of our readers can inform me as to how comfortable it is to walk around in these.
I’m not a foot person and neither are most dudes I know, so your shiny complicated shoes are just a big distraction. Wouldn’t you rather that people looked at your smiling face and not your poorly maintained cuticles?
Here’s a mantra: 2 buckles or a T-strap - it looks like crap.
After seeing the trailers for the past couple months, I had to see the new Hellboy movie. Guillermo Del Toro’s first attempt was kind of lackluster - but once I saw that the effects mirrored Pan’s Labyrinth I was sold. I skated out of work around 3 and caught the show at 4. Here is my post-mortem txt to Nick:
visuals were great but they went by too fast. character development was poor. won’t win any awards.
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After seeing the trailers for the past couple months, I had to see the new Hellboy movie. Guillermo Del Toro’s first attempt was kind of lackluster - but once I saw that the effects mirrored Pan’s Labyrinth I was sold. I skated out of work around 3 and caught the show at 4. Here is my post-mortem txt to Nick:
