The Top 9 Things People Should Know About Millennials

TIME Magazine has a cover article coming out later this month about Millennials.

TIME Magazine Millennials

Being a Millennial myself and having a Millennial focus here on the AudioShocker, I figure now’s a good time to get the facts straight about Generation Y.

BTW I didn’t read the TIME article because that would require a subscription. And I’m too cool for that. Speaking of which…

9. We’re too cool for you.

Nick is too cool

Whatever it is, we’re probably too cool for it. I don’t mean that in an egocentric way. It’s just a matter-of-fact statement. Whatever you’re doing or thinking is probably not as cool as what I’m doing or thinking. That’s because…

8. We probably think you’re stupid.

If you’re not one of us — either younger or older — we probably think you have no fucking clue what you’re doing. In fact, even if you are one of us we probably think you’re stupid. And with that said…

7. We don’t trust you.

If you have any sort of power whatsoever we’ve already come up with ten different conspiracy theories about why you have that power and how you plan to keep it. We’re watching you, asshole. And to make matters worse…

6. We like to watch people make fools of themselves.

Jersey Shore cast

Possibly the most unifying experience of Millennial childhood in the USA was America’s Funniest Home Videos, the TV show that celebrated the idiot next door. We were the generation who fell in love with Jackass and made Jersey Shore a runaway hit. Still not convinced? YouTube. That’s our thing. We made it popular. And it’s full of people making themselves look like morons. That’s probably why…

5. We’re the “told ya so” generation.

No WMDs in Iraq? Told ya so. Financial crisis? Told ya so. Movie tickets cost $20? Told ya so. The TIME Magazine article about Millennials sucks? Told ya so. I think it all comes to down to the fact that…

4. We want to have hope but chances are we don’t.


On the whole I think most Millennials want to be optimistic people. But we rarely have hope in regards to, well, anything. I wouldn’t call us pessimistic. Just cynical. That’s why we liked Obama so much. He was all hopeful and shit. And that was cool. But whatever. We’ve already moved on. See…

3. We have insanely short attention spans.

I decide if I like a movie within the first five minutes. I don’t care if the only thing I saw was a title sequence. I’ve already decided. And no matter how much I’m enjoying the movie, chances are I’ll pause it at the 30 minute mark because I’m bored. So what do I do next? Hop online and check out my profiles! Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, G+, LinkedIn, Instagram, Pinterest, and so on. Why? Because…

2. We’re attention whores.

I’m sure the TIME article agrees with this sentiment. My generation has a celebrity complex. I’ve got one. My friends have them. And if you’re a Millennial, you probably have one too. I blame it on MTV. They made the most pointless people into cable celebrities in the 80s and 90s. So when it became our time, we flooded to the internet and acted like the next out-of-control MTV VJ. Because all Millennials secretly believe they’re celebrity material. Which brings me to my last point…

1. We want to get rich and famous without having to earn it.

Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Mark Zuckerberg, Justin Bieber

I know a lot of people feel the same way, Millennials or not. But it’s especially prevalent with my generation. I mean, look at the celebrities we’ve produced — people who were born rich or got famous practically overnight. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Mark Zuckerberg, Justin Bieber, and the list goes on. They embody the new American dream: maximum success with minimum effort.

In Conclusion…
I’m not saying I’m proud to be this way. But I’m not ashamed either. Even though my generation will change as the years go by, I believe that this list will remain an accurate representation of American Millennials in the year 2013.

4 Responses to “The Top 9 Things People Should Know About Millennials”

  1. 1 Andrew Kilian

    I think Mark Zuckerberg and Justin Beiber actually produced something for their wealth and celebrity. Whether it’s valid or not is another discussion.

  2. 2 nick marino

    I agree. They did. (And to be totally honest, for the sake the joke I stretched the truth a bit.)

    But I also think they fall pretty safely into the “famous practically overnight” category. Granted they didn’t just wake up one day and become rich and famous. But the amount of fame and/or wealth they accumulated within a super-short period of time is pretty astounding.

    That’s why I think they’re great examples.

    Also, their pictures make them look really stupid. Which I like.

  3. 3 Smars

    interestingly enough I was born at the cusp of what is considered gen X and gen Y.
    too young to think of video games as “kids stuff” but too old to really care about reality shows, facebook, and twitter.
    or maybe i’m just a weirdo anti-social, hermit of a fella.

    that article described gen Y as having narcissistic personality disorder. wow.
    i mean… I guess.
    but wouldn’t such a case be more so the product of previous generations shaping the world that gen Y currently lives in/has lived in for the last 2 decades.
    contemporary society is marketed to us, we experience it in a manner that is made to single us out and make us all feel individually important. look at movies, video games, tv shows, comics, with their chosen one complexes. people grew up on this stuff, and then you plug in the internet equation and it amps it up by 1000.
    i mean… look at this! how much time magazine is just as responsible!

    plus the more convenient civilization becomes, the more free time we have, the less we have to do in terms of “contributing to the hard working 9to5 bust yer butt society” the kind of thing people in the 40’s and 50’s thought was what gave you character and all that crap.
    the kind of stuff my old ass dad gets on me about cause i wanna’ make comics and he thinks i should be working somewhere doing manual labor with 3 kids a wife and a fuggin house. GAH!

    aaaaanyhoo… funny article. yours, not the time one.
    i don’t have a time subscription. that’s stupid.

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  5. 4 nick marino

    @Smars: such a good point about the culture creating the circumstances that foster something like “narcissistic personality disorder!” i thought of it in a much more random context until you pointed it out so clearly. and now i totally agree with you!!!

    frankly, i’m on the line between Gen X and Gen Y too. in fact, Fawn said that she heard Gen Y began in ’83, so that would make me just on the Gen X side of the cutoff (though i prefer to ’80 as the cutoff… it’s just easier that way).

    i think people on the line like us get to choose. and while Gen X was definitely influential on me in the 90s, i’m much more Gen Y in my habits and experiences and tastes. so that’s the one i choose to associate with.

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