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Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND TWO Bracket:

(If you're not into reading and you want to spoil the match-ups, then skip to the bottom of this post for the ROUND THREE bracket image.)

Pete's off watching the Pittsburgh Pirates training somewhere in Florida, so I'm forced to fill-in as this week's Culturology blogger. Just to spite Pete for having fun in the sun and ditching us, I've deviously taken it upon myself to switch Culturology over to the "#00" system instead of the "000" numbering. MUWAHAHAHAHA! SO DEVIOUS!!!

Now on with the tourney:

Enter the Dragon vs. The Quick and the Dead

Location: A secret Wild West desert island manufacturing compound

Herod and Han both laughed maniacally as the battle began. Their arrogance, however, was quickly their undoing as they realized that the real fight was between Bruce Lee and Sharon Stone, each waging their own cultural war. "Who will win?" they wondered. Will The Lady snap action movie gender stereotypes in two or will Lee break down the wall holding back Asian actors in Hollywood??? Unfortunately, the battle didn't last long enough to dig deep into issues of nationality, gender, and representation -- even a moron stuck in a room full of mirrors knows that the "art of fighting without fighting" is too groundbreaking and original to be topped.

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Enter the Dragon!

Bloodsport vs. The Quest

Location: Vietnam

Jean-Claude Van Damme, glistening in the moonlight, stepped forward into the ring to face his cloaked opponent. He braced for the fight as his attacker threw off his cloak and revealed himself to be... Jean-Claude Van Damme!?! Shocked and confused, 1980s JCVD pushed through the pain of training and prior defeat to land a single, staggering blow against 1990s JCVD. Somewhere in the crowd, Ray Jackson could be heard yelling, "He just broke the fucking world record!" while Roger Moore was busy crying as the bookie collected on his large debt (hint: he took Moore's career).

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Bloodsport!

Redbelt vs. Sidekicks

Location: Houston, Texas

A most unorthodox fight indeed! People paid good money to see a battle to the death, but instead all they got was Chiwetel Ejiofor screaming something over and over about how there's always an escape while Chuck Norris was busy combing his hair and signing autographs off to the side. However, as Norris' ego grew more and more menacing in size, Ejiofor landed an unexpected roundhouse kick and knocked Norris senseless. Norris was defeated so quickly that the audience wasn't even sure if he was ever there to begin with...

The grueling battle ended with victory for: Redbelt!

The Karate Kid vs. The Karate Kid, part III

Location: Reseda, California

Just like the night's earlier bout between Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jean-Claude Van Damme, it looked like the older film would easily best its younger opponent. Iconic? Check. Memorable? Check. Inspiring? Check. On the books, the original Karate Kid looked like the safest bet. But that was before Terry Silver and John Kreese decided to join in on the action. Suddenly, the tables turned as a more mature Danny and his two new companions thrashed younger Danny and his high school angst. The picture soon became clear: superior storytelling and better antagonists were more than a match for the original installment. The threequel was triumphant!!!

The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid, part III!

Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND THREE Bracket:

Be back next week to see which movies clobber their way into the FINAL ROUND!