Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND ONE Bracket:
(If you're not into reading and you want to spoil the match-ups, then skip to the bottom of this post for the ROUND TWO bracket image.)
Enter the Dragon vs. DOA: Dead or Alive
Little known fact about Bruce Lee: he was also a champion beach volleyball player (and if you told him you were looking for a slightly more "mature" attitude, his pectoral muscles would inexplicably swell to three times their normal size). Facing this overwhelmingly talented, distressingly busty version of '70s icon Bruce Lee, the shiny, comfortably 21st Century characters of DOA didn't have a chance. "Based on a video game?" scoffed Lee, "Ha. Ha ha hahha haha ha."
The grueling battle ended with victory for: Enter the Dragon!
Battle Creek Brawl vs. The Quick and the Dead
Two wildly different versions of the West butted heads in this instantly classic match-up: a shanty-town were all the citizens like to stop-and-stare from time to time, and a Texas that is populated almost entirely by burly men. And those burly men were quite good at hugging each other and getting angry, but, well, they just couldn't do much against gun-slinging A-list Hollywood actors. Staring down her gun at a critically wounded Jackie Chan, who knelt bleeding on the ground, pleading for her to take pity and just end his life, Sharon Stone snickered and walked away, leaving Chan's barely breathing body to be picked at by the vultures that were swooping lower and lower.
The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Quick and the Dead!
Redbelt vs. Bronson Lee, Champion
The exploitation wizards that came up with Bronson Lee had no idea what they were in for, going up against David Mamet's well-dialogued Redbelt. Who'd of thought that one of the all-stars of contemporary theatre would also be a macho douchebag who was way into MMA? Bronson Lee didn't, and not only did he get his ass-kicked, but he was talked out of ever bothering trying to act again. Insult to injury, my friends, insult to injury. Perhaps either Charles Bronson or Bruce Lee would have stood a chance, but poor B.L. never did.
The grueling battle ended with victory for: Redbelt!
Sidekicks vs. Bloodfist
This was one of the toughest matches to call in the whole first round, because both of these movies are so... uh... good! Bloodfist fared well in the early goings, as it took immediate advantage of being readily available on DVD to control the early goings of the fight. But once Sidekicks realized that its cult status, being available almost exclusively on hard-to-find VHS tapes and bootleg DVDs snapped out of its racist day-dreaming to conjure an early-nineties Chuck Norris that was still more or less in fighting form. And also, Joe Piscopo beat Billy Blanks in a swimsuit competition. Sidekicks sneaks into round two! It might just be worth watching!
The grueling battle ended with victory for: Sidekicks!
Mortal Kombat vs. The Quest
The longest, knock-down drag-out fight of the first round. Mortal Kombat came out waving around it's many shittily-animated arms, claiming re-watchability, and a superior level of Enter the Dragon knock-offery. But then Jean-Claude Van Damme ran around with some kids, took off his shirt, and did a split, and everyone in the audience, Christopher Lambert included, swooned. This one will be debated into the ages. Was it a fair fight? Were the judges biased by a bizarre, unhealthy fascination with the Muscles from Brussels? Are they rejecting all video-game based tournament movies until Marvel Vs. Capcom finally gets greenlighted? The world may never know.
The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Quest!
Bloodsport vs. Best of the Best
Come on people. Bloodsport wins. Duh. Bloodsport won with its eyes closed.
The grueling battle ended with victory for: Bloodsport!
The Karate Kid vs. Never Back Down
One of the greatest sports movies (let alone tournament movies) ever made faces it's most successful (and not all that successful, at that) knock-off. There may well have been things about the 2000s that were okay, but Never Back Down wasn't really one of them. No contest. Way to go, Daniel-son.
The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid!
Over the Top vs. The Karate Kid, Part III
We've met many people over the years that have claimed to have been entertained by Over the Top, but we don't really believe them. Meanwhile, KKPIII is a much better, way more over the top B-movie than Over the Top. It's not even time yet, in just the first round, to even sing the full praises of The Karate Kid, Part III. A sleeper candidate? A wildcard? Could be, could be...
The grueling battle ended with victory for: The Karate Kid, part III!
Tournament Movie Tournament ROUND TWO Bracket:
Be back next week to see which movies fight their way into ROUND THREE!
Best of the Best totally threw powder in Bloodsport's eyes. FOOLISH BEST OF THE BEST, YOU CAN'T BEAT BLOODSPORT!!!!!!!!! Well, I mean, you can... but not when you're Best of the Best. Damn, that movie sucks.
Seriously, it was probably the worst movie in ROUND ONE. Hmmmm... or maybe Bloodfist. That too was horrific. I, personally, disliked Mortal Kombat upon rewatching it, but Pete and I disagree on that one. And I actually kinda like DOA, for all its crappy charm. Actually, the Making Of DOA was better than the movie (and it even tied back into Best of the Best with its awkward Eric Roberts interviews).
And PUUUHHHHHLEEEZ... the AudioShocker biased towards the MfB (Muscles from Brussels)??? NEVER!!!
bah. DOA and MK both got taken down? i call foul. that just won't do.
Hey Neal, I was with you on Mortal Kombat. For some reason, though, I let Nick push The Quest through. I do know why, actually, because the fights in MK are actually pretty lame, with a lot of boring kicking-and-punching, and Van Damme did at least try for some authenticity with the fighting in The Quest, even though everything non-fight in The Quest is barely watchable.
AudioShocker Shoutouts!
i'm more interested in Over The Top vs. Mortal Kombat and Bloodfist vs. DOA.
hmmm okay Bloodfist vs. DOA -- definitely DOA!!! Bloodfist is near unwatchable in my opinion, while DOA is corny but fun.
Over the Top vs. MK? man, i dunno what to say except that i really hate MK upon rewatching and Over the Top has lots of great quotes / moments that i love with irony. so i guess OtT.
as for The Quest, well, we've debated it a lot and i think everyone knows how i feel. i actually think that Pete was extremely generous to me by letting it thru the first round. but i also think that everyone is too harsh on it. its ridiculous "potentially-sex-offender stilt mime sold into martial arts slavery" plot is wonderfully convoluted and intriguing, if only because Van Damme seems to really follow thru on it and take it seriously.
RED BELT! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!That's my Movie, Dawg! I didn't even know who David Mamaet was before watching that movie! I paid cash money for it, it's so good! "Insist on the Move!"
AudioShocker Shoutouts!
i gotta say... the more i think about it, the more i regret leaving Kingpin out of the tournament. originally, this was conceived as a strictly martial arts tourney, but then we decided to include a couple wild cards with Over the Top and The Quick and the Dead. we considered some comedies, like Balls of Fury and, of course, Kingpin. but the problem is that Pete and I are partial to certain tourney comedies (myself to BoF, and both of us to Kingpin). in fact, we both like Kingpin so much that it's probably safe to say that the film is on both of our "favorite films" short lists. we eventually excluded Kingpin because it probably would have cleaned out the competition AND it's such a different beast from Enter the Dragon or TKKP3, for example. but now, in retrospect, i sort of wish we left it in because it's such a great film.
I'm surprised you didn't include "The Crippled Masters"!
Crippled Masters was a tourney? i haven't seen it in like 15 years
AudioShocker Shoutouts!
