Monthly Archive for October, 2009Page 2 of 4

I'm Gonna Post a Bunch TXT Message Reviews of Van Damme Movies

This post is my declaration of intent (which Neal told me not to declare) to post a shitload of opinions and ratings of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies in the form of TXT Message Reviews.

For how long, you ask? I'll be posting every Saturday for the forseeable future. I'm over halfway through JCVD's film catalog, which I'm watching in (somewhat) chronological order, so this should be going on for at least a few months.

For every new Van Damme TXT Message Review I post here on the blog, I'll also tweet the full review in our AudioShocker Twitter feed. Why? Many of these JCVD TXT Message Reviews are rewrites of reviews I originally tweeted in my own personal feed, so they're already in that format. Twatters should be on the lookout for #JCVD because each review I tweet will be tagged with that.

Don't miss the Jean-Claude Van Damme TXT Message Reviews fun -- it all starts on Halloween a.k.a. next Saturday, October 31, 2009!!!

P.S. Also, this Monday, check out a special Culturology wherein Pete and I discuss the importance of Bloodsport and Kickboxer, contrasting and comparing the films and their themes.

I Want to Post YOUR Top 9 Lists (So Give Them to Me)

Let this be a call heard across the blogosphere: the AudioShocker wants to post your countdowns in The Top 9! That's right, loyal AudioShocker readers (all five of you) -- I want YOU to write Top 9 lists and then I'll put the best ones up here on the blog.

Email your Top 9 ideas and/or completed lists to nick@audioshocker.com. Also make sure to include a link you'd like to promote in conjunction to your submission, be it a link to your own site or a link to something that's relevant to your list.

Finally, to help you get a grasp on the sort of thing I'm looking for, I've made a list of The Top 9 Ways to Write an AudioShocker Top 9:

9. In english, please. I only know a little bit of French and even less American Sign Language (ASL), so keep it in my native tongue.

8. Profanity is a plus. This ain't your goddamn grandma's mutherfuckin' Top 9.

7. It can be about anything you want. Movies, music, comics, video games, and TV tend to be the most popular topics around these parts, but I'm open to other stuff.

6. References to Susan Sarandon or Street Fighter are a really big plus. Yes they are.

5. Your list has to go from 9 to 1, not 1 to 9. I don't feel like re-ordering your list, so please keep it countdown style.

4. Don't give me a list that was already posted somewhere else. No repeats!

3. Normally, a list item is structured like this one. With a highlighted short first sentence and/or phrase, followed by a sentence or two of description.

2. Don't give me anything bigotted or downright mean because I won't post it. However, an exception will be made for any submissions from Neal, because he just can't help it.

1. Make sure there are only nine items in your Top 9 list. No Top 20s, no Top 5s, and sure as hell no Top 10s. I don't mind honorable mentions to start off the list, but I will only post your nine main numbered items if you send me more than that.

BONUS POINTS: If you have a Top 9 in mind but you don't want to write it out, you can call it in! Dial the AudioShocker comment line at 412-567-7606 and leave a message. Then we'll air your audio Top 9 list as a special Top 9 Podcast! Also, if you hate phones, you can record your own audio file and email it to me at nick@audioshocker.com -- just make sure it's 15 MB or less before you try to email it.

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Super Haters #16 - The Band's Back Together

Destruct-O-Tranny

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A Podcast with Ross and Nick #20 - The Shadowcast Dies!!!

The Shadowcast concludes as Ross Campbell and Nick Marino continue their talk about anime, veering into manga and Japanese live-action entertainment. The conversation turns towards genre and the use of exposition, as opinions continue to trade. AND THEN SHADOWEYES! Oh... wait... no, it nevers goes back to Shadoweyes. But they do talk about David Hayter. Does that count?

AudioShocker Podcast #102 - Memoirs of an Imperfect Podcast

Motion comics, LIGHTS, Abrams Books, Jennifer's Body, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, the balloon boy controversy, Jean-Claude Van Damme in Sudden Death and Maximum Risk and Double Team, Mariah Carey's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, Raekwon and Wu-Tang, and Byron Winton's Still Standing art show at the Zombo Gallery.

Culturology 045 - Cartoon Last Bash

As I typed out the "045" in the subject line of today's post, I wondered to myself as to whether I'd really been typing out three digits-worth for the numbers on all of these articles, not really believing that I've ever intended on doing this long enough to actually reach the hypothetical Culturology 100. I mean, I'm not even halfway there (though I do look forward to hitting 052, which will mark the first full virtual year (not including unnumbered not-really-culturology posts--which don't really exist, as such)). And then I remembered, Nick set the first few posts up for me, until I got used to the way the backend of Audioshocker worked (I think I've got a full handle on Audioshocker's backside now), so it was he that determined that three digit places would be best for my work here. Ambitious, but I've scanned around, and I think the only other article group that uses three places is the Podcasts themselves (given the fact that they're actually in three digits now). Other articles also uses the number symbol, "#," to indicate their number, which Culturology eschews--I'm clearly way too classy for such things.

If this were the military (or even a marching band), or an office, or anything else, really, there might be some chain of command through which I could take these concerns--an officer to whom I might say "Excuse me, Sir, but I fear that my postings are being held to a double standard." But it's not, so we're left just to read what are perhaps the shallowest, least consequential (though still trademark) self-referential introspections yet made by the internet's only non-Russian-speaking culturologist. But, after 045 posts, perhaps that's what you've come to expect (where I've just been lowering my expectations (and my average word counts)).

Now on to other things that I'm good at writing about: cartoons! I took some time out from enjoying Miami's first cold front of the fall to watch the new Simpsons Halloween special (their 20th, which means something, I suppose), though the anniversary probably should have been celebrated in a way which included some of the classic Treehouses of Horror (such, as, say, Four, and Six). The Horror-Treehouse episodes were long a bastion of funny in the unfunniest seasons of the Simpsons (Seasons 10-19), but I had even stopped watching them until last year--which was a promising but terrible year for the "ToT". Mostly, I was in front of my TV and figured what the hell, might as well watch it again this year.

But really, I don't even feel like being that negative about what was an uninspired and nearly joke-less Halloween episode (still better than last year's since last year's was, like, inspired, but did a terrible terrible job at it's inspiration). Why? Because I still dislilke the Family Guy family of cartoons (which have otherwise taken over the once-diverse Fox Sunday evening cartoon spectacular) so much that I'd rather pretend that I think the Simpsons are funny then say anything else. So my loyalty to the amazing funniness of the first 6-7 seasons of the Simpsons (and my nearly savant-like depth of referential ability to those episodes) continues unscathed.

Though this isn't really a tenable position. In fact, I feel myself in a very similar position to the one I was in back at the beginning of the summer with late night television shows (having tuned in for a while to check on Conan O'Brien's transition to Late Night), where it all just kind of sucks and I wonder why I've been watching it in the first place. I think, though, as much as I continue to determine that the few places in mainstream television that seem to still have an inkling of quality in fact have lost that inkling (for instance, on Nick's recommendation, I check in on Craig Ferguson's show for a couple of weeks, but his schtick got old really fast). Seems like maybe they're making pretty good shows over there on the HBO, but I don't have cable. But, as much as I am hereby renouncing further attempts to discuss the merits of television cartoons until further notice, I'd also like to notice this as a distancing of the culturological project from the internet concept known as "hating" (which was probably clear for a while now, going back to the classic arguments about irony from last year).

It's not my fault that so much stuff sucks. But I don't bask in that suckage. Essentially, I think that it sucks how much everything sucks. The ad-wizards making TV these days must be the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. I've just got my fingers crossed that when I get to 35 years old (and cross that demographic barrier), suddenly things will be funny or good to me that I would have never concerned. In the meantime, though, all I've got for laughs is the Super Haters.

Fightin' Felicia Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

Felicia lets the claws come out

Felicia tears Rikuo a new one! OUCH!

DOWNLOAD WALLPAPER :: 1280 X 1024 :: 1440 X 900 :: 1600 X 1200

Darkstalkers Month chugs along! This time Felicia gets ferocious and scratches Rikuo. Next Monday? Our furry femme is joined by two more Darkstalkers ladies to form another great Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

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Beatcast #43 - No One Else by Nik Furious

No One Else is more of a remix than a new song, made as a beat for an upcoming hip hop track. Building Da Beat is on hiatus until inspiration strikes.

The Top 9 Reasons Why President Obama Won the Nobel Peace Prize

The AudioShocker's new hyper-intellectual commenter, Steven, emailed me and suggested that I offer the plebeian's view on President Obama and the Noble Peace Prize (to "attract more of the NPR crowd," he said). I accepted his proposition only under one condition: I'd do it my way.

9. Blame It on the E-E-E-E-E-Economy is a number one smash hit across northern Europe.

8. The marketing potential of Chia Obama featuring Chia Nobel Peace Prize is just too great to turn down.

7. "At least he's not George W. Bush..."

6. When the Nobel Prize committee found out that Obama is planning to go as a Summer of Love hippie for Halloween, they just couldn't pass up the opportunity to make fun of him.

5. A voluntary urinalysis proved that Obama isn't using performance enhancing drugs.

4. He's been in office for almost a year now, and President Obama hasn't done the nasty with any of his staffers OR any employees at CBS (okay, maybe just once with Katie Couric... but that was on the campaign trail).

3. It's not easy being green.

2. "At least he's not Sarah Palin..."

1. Two words: sexual favors.

More: President Obama Loves Big Guns and Creepy Guys in Whiteface

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Super Haters #15 - Mulldusa

Mulldusa

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