AudioShocker

Letter pages were once found in the back of every comic book on the stands. Though lettercols have largely disappeared, publishing trends in comics are cyclical - what's out-of-fashion today could easily be the new retro trend tomorrow.

In anticipation of the impending return of the classic comic book letter column, I present to you a time-tested template that's sure to get your letter printed in the back of your favorite series.

Dear [SEMI-WITTY LETTERS PAGE TITLE],

I've been reading comics for over [OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER] of years, and this is the very first time I've ever written a letter. After I read [COMIC BOOK TITLE AND NUMBER], I couldn't believe it! How could you do that to [CHARACTER THAT RECENTLY DIED, LEFT THE BOOK, OR EXPERIENCED A MAJOR CHANGE]? He/she was my favorite and I just don't know if I'll be able to keep reading [COMIC BOOK TITLE] anymore.

Still, I have to commend [WRITER'S FULL NAME] on an incredible story. Even though I'll be fuming about what happened to [CHARACTER THAT RECENTLY DIED, LEFT THE BOOK, OR EXPERIENCED A MAJOR CHANGE] for the rest of my life, I have to admit that the story was amazing. This was [WRITER'S FIRST NAME OR NICKNAME]'s best issue yet!

[ARTIST'S FULL NAME] was wonderful, as always. I also have to take the time to add special praise for [INKER, COLORIST, LETTERER, OR OTHER ARTIST NOT TYPICALLY RECOGNIZED IN FAN LETTERS]. He/she has been turning out the best work of his/her career in [COMIC BOOK TITLE] and this series just wouldn't be the same without him/her.

Also, I noticed a mistake on page [ANY NUMBER FROM 1 TO 22], when [CHARACTER NAME] said, "[SHORT ARBITRARY PHRASE]." I think he/she really meant to say, "[ERRONEOUS REPLACEMENT FOR SHORT ARBITRARY PHRASE]." I hope you'll fix this mistake in the collected edition!

Well, I should wrap this up before I ramble on for too long. I'm still mad about what you did to [CHARACTER THAT RECENTLY DIED, LEFT THE BOOK, OR EXPERIENCED A MAJOR CHANGE], but I guess I'll have to be back next month to find out if [WRITER'S FULL NAME] can top his/her job in [NEXT ISSUE'S NUMBER]!

Sincerely,
[NAME]

P.S. Is it true that [MAIN CHARACTER] and [FORMER LOVE INTEREST] are really getting back together again? Say it ain't so! I always thought [CURRENT LOVE INTEREST] was a much better match for ol' [MAIN CHARACTER'S ENDEARING NICKNAME], and having [FORMER LOVE INTEREST] around could really mess things up between [MAIN CHARACTER] and [CURRENT LOVE INTEREST]!

For bonus points, make sure to withhold your address or use a fake international name and location.