AudioShocker

Here's how this post is going to work: instead of rambling on about how to choose the right social network for you and then failing to deliver an actual answer (much like this editorial from CNN last week), I will GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT. You'll see the name of the social network followed by a single word that best sums it up. Easy, right? Okay, then let's do this.

Honorable mention goes to deviantART, which is actually one of the better social networks out there because it allows you to express yourself through your work. But jeers to deviantART for being so obsessed with "membership benefits." GET REAL! This is the Internet. People want shit for free.

Non-honorable mentions go to Google's orkut and Yahoo!'s Kickstart. Your networks suck, guys. Stick to making search engines instead. Wait... actually, Yahoo!, you should probably just give up on that too.

9. Yuwie. You should join this social network if you are: stupid. Yuwie popped on the scene real big in 2007, promising to give its members a piece of the site's advertising revenue. In actuality, all it did was waste precious time that countless suckers could have spent changing their status updates on Facebook. Total revenue earned? $0.00!!!

8. Ning. You should join this social network if you are: obtuse. While the idea behind the Ning network - join Ning and start your OWN social networking site - is sound, the actual network is a confusing and bizarre place. Due to its mission statement, the user base is severely fragmented. While the concept promotes unique expression, the reality is that Ning lacks a coherent purpose.

7. Friendster. You should join this social network if you are: obsolete. For all intents and purposes, Friendster is dead. This was the precursor to MySpace and the first international social networking hit. But those glory days are long gone. Now, Friendster is like an apocalyptic Mad Max website where profiles have been recklessly abandoned for over half a decade while spammers openly roam the network bandwidth. You can join this network or you can go purchase a VHS player. Your choice. Same results.

6. LinkedIn. You should join this social network if you are: snobby. Do I really care about your professional achievements? NO! I want to post pictures of me and my friends getting drunk. I want to read stupid, time-wasting status updates about people I haven't seen for at least 10 years. LinkedIn denies me both of these guilty pleasures and instead asks me to share my work history. PUH-LEASE, LinkedIn!!! Why so serious?

5. Bebo. You should join this social network if you are: lame. Really, there's no other way to say it. Including myself, an admitted social networking addict, there are only four people I know on Bebo. And they're ALL lame (sorry, guys!). The network is even worse than hi5 (see #4 on this list), and that's saying something. Bebo is going nowhere fast. REALLY fast.

4. hi5. You should join this social network if you are: Hispanic. At least, that's what social networking experts would have you think. Honestly, I think hi5 is just boring. But apparently hi5 is popular among users that speak Spanish as a first language... popular, that is, according to hi5. They say the network will catch on in the United States soon. But unless they make some serious upgrades, I don't think it's going anywhere but straight to the bottom of this list.

3. MySpace. You should join this social network if you are: trashy. I'm sorry to say it, but you are officially in your twilight years, MySpace. Just like Friendster before you, you are a fallen giant. It's sad really - it was far too easy to corrupt your system with irritating spam and gaudy page designs. The only people actively using MySpace nowadays are either painfully behind the curve or fully at peace with their own trashy existence.

2. Twitter. You should join this social network if you are: trendy. It's called "micro-blogging." Don't feel bad if you don't get it - Twitter didn't get it for the first three years of its own existence. Since 2006, Twitter has been crashing and pissing off its abnormally loyal members on a regular basis. Only within the past couple months has Twitter fully embraced its social network celebrity status. Now it's poised to overtake Facebook if the (new) social networking giant ever falls.

1. Facebook. You should join this social network if you are: human. Founded in 2004, this social network was originally open only to select American university students. Slowly, it opened up to all students and became an international network. Then it opened its doors to everyone on Earth... who, surprisingly, all joined. Now, after having conquered the entire human race, Facebook seeks to network with all manner of living organisms on Earth before it steadily begins its network expansion out into the vast reaches of the Milky Way Galaxy.

More: The AudioShocker Is Trashy, Trendy, and Human!!!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.