Monthly Archive for February, 2009

Kanye West Sticks Foot in Mouth, Forgets to Pull It Back Out

Kanye looking weird

Maybe I'm too hard on Kanye nowadays... or maybe the once-prolific producer is just out of his fucking mind.

High on fame and the opportunity to control a captive crowd, Kanye West filmed an episode of VH1 Storytellers recently and said some weird shit and some really stupid shit. Here, for your reading pleasure, are choices quotes from Kanye's adventures in storytelling:

Kanye on Chris Brown and his recent abuse of Rihanna.

"Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life."

Kanye on two famous guys named Michael that have nothing to do with each other.

"Michael Jackson, amazing. Michael Phelps, amazing ... He's a real fucking person; he makes mistakes."

Kanye on "The Juice."

"O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing though?"

Kanye on supposedly being snubbed backstage at the Grammys by Thom Yorke of Radiohead.

"So when he performed at the Grammys, I sat the fuck down."

Hmm... I mean, Kanye, did it ever occur to you that you were at THE GRAMMYS, a major live production that's broadcast around the world, and Yorke may have been a bit busy? Give the guy a break!

On the other hand, should we give Chris Brown a break? I say FUCK NO! Giving the biggest benefit of the doubt I can, I'll agree that he made a mistake. Does that mean we shouldn't give him hell for it? NO! Do you know what the picture of Rihanna looks like, Kanye? What is it, Diane? Tell me. Do you know!?!

Anyway, not that there's anything really wrong with what Kanye said about Michael Phelps, Jackson, or Simpson. I just thought I'd toss those comments in to add to the overall ambiance of insane foot-in-mouth ranting created by the Chris Brown and Thom Yorke stuff.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li - TXT Message Review

As we enter the last painstaking week before the Watchmen movie, it is important that we don't develop tunnel vision. Nick and I have been talking up the Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li movie for a hot minute, and it came out today. As you may remember from last week, we were already on the fence about this - but really, any chance to see Kristin Kreuk and Moon Bloodgood should be exercised. I caught the 5:30 showing tonight - and I think this is telling - the theater was empty. No one knew about this movie, or cares apparently. It looks like that apathy is justified. Here is the rundown in 160 characters or less:

SF blew. No lightning or helicopter kicks. Big let down. Wasn't funny either. Did Ricketts cast this one too? I'd rather re-watch the original with Van Damme.


chun-li

I'm not saying that I expected an Oscar winner. Obviously, that was going to be lame flick - but this was overly lame. The best part is when Bison starts using one of his henchpeople as a puching bag - literally. A little iMDB work exposes the real issue: The director, Andrzej Bartkowiak. Everything he touches turns into garbage. His resume includes such stinkers as DOOM, Cradle 2 The Grave, and Exit Wounds. Perhaps if DMX and Anthony Anderson had played Balrog and Vega, things would have been different. Sadly, this one was DOOMed from the start. Lastly, whoever did the costumes for this movie should be shot. - just my personal opinion.

More: What Went Wrong with Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li?

And more: Video of a Girl Fight in the Ladies Room Makes the Chun-Li Movie Look Weird

The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury

Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury

Jackson as Nick Fury

Superhero movie fans breathed a collective sigh of relief this week as Marvel Studios announced that Samuel L Jackson will be back to play Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury... back, that is, for NINE more fucking films!!!

While is certainly feels good to know that Sam isn't feuding with Marvel anymore, our collective thoughts now turn to bigger questions: for example, if the Formula 51 actor (no, not Formula 50, you asshats... but I bet Curtis was thinking of Formula 51 when he named his Vitamin Water... it tastes like Flintstones Vitamins, BTW...) takes Marvel Studios up on its full contractual option, which Marvel Comics will get turned into blockbuster flicks for Sam's next nine movies?

"HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS!" because here comes The Top 9 New Marvel Films Starring Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury:

9. Ant-Man. This movie has been announced, so I figure it's going to get made eventually. Sam should have a cameo in this one if only to stop by and call Hank Pym a "MUTHERFUCKER!" for slapping Janet around.

8. Thor. Again, this movie sure looks like it's going to get made (by Kenneth Branagh, nonetheless). It's the perfect opportunity to hear Sammy shout, "Hold onto your Asgardian butt, Odinson!"

7. Captain America: The First Avenger. Stupid title, but it's getting made. It'll all be worth it, however, when Sam gets to yell, "Yes these Nazis deserve to die, and I hope they BURN IN HELL!"

6. Iron Man 2. This movie should pick up where the last one left off, with Robert Downey Jr saying, "What? Join your Avenger Initiative!?! You just broke into my house!!! Fuck off, Fury!"

5. The Avengers. Again, already announced. I hope Marvel Studios picks up on the plot hints from the Ultimates 2 storyline and delivers a scene where Bruce Banner walks in on Nick Fury as he fucks the shit out of Betty Ross. "HULK SMASH SEXY EYEPATCH MAN!"

4. S.H.I.E.L.D. Recent press coverage features mention of a potential S.H.I.E.L.D. film. Go for it, Marvel! Just give me tons of Samuel L Jackson LMDs running around shouting, "Fuck you, MUTHERFUCKERs! I'm the real Nick Fury!!!"

3. Secret Warriors. Now the fun begins as I make shit up out of thin air. My first choice? A hilarious Secret Warriors laugh fest starring Samuel L Jackson. Nick Fury has just recruited the next generation of superheroes... but these kids just want to throw keggers and party all day!!! Watch as Colonel Fury tries to control these wild young recruits and turn them into the heroes of tomorrow! Co-starring Jonah Hill as The Druid, Shia Leboeuf as Hellfire, and Elisha Cuthbert as Quake.

2. Nick Fury 2: Identity Crisis. What about the first Nick Fury movie, you ask? It's already been made! Yeah, it sucked... but we have to honor past continuity. The only reasonable solution is to make a movie starring BOTH Samuel L Jackson and David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury(s) from alternate dimensions. The plot will revolve around their Wile E Coyote antics to destroy each other to claim the title of Ultimate Nick Fury.

1. Fury Vs. 007. You know you want it! Fiction's two biggest super spies duke it out with crazy gadgets and souped up sports cars. In the tradition of the mighty Marvel team-up, these two will realize they're on the same side halfway thru the movie and then go fight a common enemy: Jason Bourne, the hotshot wannabe super spy who's really just an emo amnesiac. Then, after they kick the shit out of Bourne, Nick Fury and James Bond will go tag team Betty Ross and make Bruce Banner cry again. "HULK SMASH THREESOME!"

More: The Top 9 Best Live-Action Superhero Movies!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

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The Last Airbender Casting Continues to Confound

OMG. OMG OMG OMG. Everyone! you have to read this article about The Last Airbender extras casting director, DeeDee Ricketts (who is probably casting the whole damn Avatar movie, from the looks of it).

Here's a choice excerpt:

"We want you to dress in traditional cultural ethnic attire," she said. "If you're Korean, wear a kimono. If you're from Belgium, wear lederhosen."

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. Korean kimonos? Belgian lederhosen?

For added perspective, please check out this excellent op-ed piece. It features the POV of someone who actually attended the Philadelphia casting call.

And let me end this blog post right by linking to the website of DeeDee Ricketts.

Once again, a choice excerpt:

Check out the AFFRICAN IMIGRANTS we found for TEARS OF THE SUN, the Afghan Village with real AFGHANS we discovered for CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR or the LA GANG MEMBERS who made TRAINING DAY sizzle. Finding real people, who add the nuances that make any scene more believable, is what we strive for.

HOLY SHIT. Please note that both "African" and "immigrants" are spelled wrong in that paragraph. No wonder the casting is totally fucked in The Last Airbender.

P.S. If you haven't been there already, please visit Saving the World with Postage. It's a LiveJournal blog devoted to protesting the insane Avatar casting decisions.

P.P.S. Check out the new and improved Charlie Wilson's War... now featuring "real AFGHANS" who were discovered exclusively for the filming of this movie! Way to go, DD Casting!!!

I Did Not Enjoy The Oscars

Shit! I totally forgot it was Wednesday, I didn't write anything, and now I am sitting at the airport. I feel like Pete! Total Munson, right? In my defense, I've been at home since Friday doing grad school stuff. But I did watch the Oscars.

Did anyone else think the show was as janky and half assed as I did? All of the presenter pairs were unprepared and acted like it was their first time reading off a teleprompter. The curtains didn't work right and Hugh Jackman is a clown. (Hi Five John C. McGinley) On Monday, when I talked to people about it they all told me how amazing Jackman was. "I never knew he was so talented / He can act, sing, dance, everything!" I suppose for those familiar only with Jackman's action movies, Wolverine does not seem so multifaceted. But anything with a passing interest in Hugh should be aware of his stage acting, his voice work in Happy Feet and Flushed Away, and the notion that ALL actors sing and dance. It's pretty much a requirement to be in the business. In any case, Jackman's enthusiasm should be credited, not his performance. Honestly, why isn't Wayne Brady hosting the Oscars? Buy American people!

I'm don't care so much about who got the awards- but I do feel like they presented an ungodly number of awards onscreen just to justify the show. I mean really, how many of us catch animated or live action shorts? Do most of us care about the award for best sound mixing and foley? And, are musicals really back? Mamma Mia! and Hairspray come out and all of a sudden musicals are back? Sorry, no. When guys like me are going to see movies like that - then perhaps musicals will be back. Until then, I call shenanigans. That musical medley was a mess too. Too much back and forth, it sounded like someone went apeshit with the radio dial.

Things I did like: the 'five presenters in the round' concept. That was kind of neat and emphasized the whole 'honor to be nominated' thing. I also liked the structure of the show illustrating the production of a movie from inception to post.

That's all I got and I have a plane to catch. Peace.

AudioShocker Podcast #69 - Jay Faerber on Dynamo 5 #0, Justique and Neal Argue Anime

Dynamo 5 #0 SPOILERS! Jay Faerber is here and we talk about Strong-Suit, Father Gideon, Tower City, War Chest, Maddie, how Scrap and Myriad get a new apartment together, and the future of the Dynamo 5 superheroes. And, as an added bonus, Dynamo 5 #20 hits stores tomorrow!

Then Justique returns to the AudioShocker podcast to celebrate our super nasty 69th anniversary by arguing with Neal about anime. Neal thinks anime is derivative, Justique thinks anime is awesome, and Nick thinks Ghost in the Shell is sweet. We also talk about Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, The Underneath, Betty Page, the historical porn collection of Franz Kafka, and too much more.

Culturology 020 - Still Talking About That Thing From Last Week

One of the things about writing a column on Mondays is that if something catches your eye on Tuesday or Wednesday, and you decide to write about it, then you're already a week late by the time that you've gotten your opinion out there. And give the fickle and shallow nature of our national corporate media, most times a story doesn't even get to last a whole week. But I'm not going to let that stop me! I would like to briefly address the infamous-as-of-last week cartoon from the New York Post, which you can see in this randomly selected op-ed piece from The Guardian. So I assume that all of you have seen this cartoon and have already formed some sort of opinion about it.

Obviously, the thing is completely racist. Even if we take the cartoonist at his word (which we don't need to do), it's clear to me that he was drawing on a long history of racist imagery in the United States, even if he didn't consciously decide to do so. In an email conversation with Nick he brought up the fact that he's mostly disappointed because it's not a good cartoon--it's not funny, and it's a shame that it suddenly gets all this attention. I don't regularly read too many political cartoons (I once, at a dinner party, met a real life political cartoonist, and he was about the most annoying, pretentious, self-loving person I've ever tried to talk to about something as light-hearted as cartoons), but it seems to me that expecting them to be funny isn't necessarily the correct way of reading them. Granted, the "best" political cartoons may well be the funniest, but it's also the case that they're often just trying to make some point, or get some message across, or in the case of the New York Post, be a lightning-rod for controversy, as, despite threats of boycotts, controversies tend to increase rather than decrease circulation.

One argument I've heard, in terms of giving this particular cartoon a break, is that Bush was drawn as a monkey all time. That is the case, but it was always a caricature, easily recognizable as Bush, whereas the chimp shot dead in this cartoon is just a chimp. "Aha!" says the cartoon-defender, "Here we can definitely see that it's not racist, 'cause this chimp in the cartoon only points to the actual primate in Connecticut, and has nothing to do with Obama." But this is actually where can definitively identify the racism of the cartoon (and, though he isn't completely in agreement with me on what follows, I owe the noticing of this to the aforementioned conversation with Nick): normally, a political cartoon will assign a particular label to its allegorical characters, with banners or labels on the various people or things that say "Democrats" or "National Greed" or some other similar thing. In this cartoon, the chimp has no label. He know, from the caption that this chimp represents the person who wrote the economic stimulus bill. Since Obama is president, and has spear-headed the move to get a bill passed, the reader takes this the writer of the bill to be Obama. This could have been avoided with the usual labeling, with a sash, or a t-shirt on the dead chimp that said "Democrats" but there's nothing there. So, even if the dude that drew the cartoon wasn't going into it planning to be racist, but not thinking himself that the chimp needed a label, he's drawing on a long history of racist images to assign a label to his image. Any argument that he intended the cartoon to mean "monkeys wrote the economic stimulus bill" is undermined by the fact that he failed to follow the proper protocols of how political cartoons work.

And now for something more timely, since stuff that happens on Sundays is still mostly topical by the time Monday rolls around. I don't actually want to write too much about the Oscars, since I general find the awards to be mis-assigned and the proceedings to be incredibly dull. I was at an Oscar party which included a pool for correctly filling out a ballot, so I do have a record of how accurately I predicted the award winners. I was correct in only 10 out of the 21 categories that were announced on the televised ceremony, which proves, once again, that my taste is better than the people that voted for the awards. So, wow, I'm really blowing the chance at being timely here. Oh well.

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Chun-Li, Dhalsim, and Captain Commando Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

You're looking at three of Capcom's most excellent fighters. Captain Commando is straight out of Marvel vs. Capcom (as a fighting game character, that is), while Dhalsim and Chun-Li can be found in just about every Street Fighter game ever made (though Dhalsim is absent from MvC).

As always, thanks to The Fighter's Generation for the Capcom art. Be back next Monday for another Hyper Combo Wallpaper!

Beatcast #17 - Shadow Lady by Nik Furious

Shadow Lady, an original instrumental song by Nik Furious. Capcom fans and Street Fighter lovers will know what the title means.

Video of a Girl Fight in the Ladies Room Makes the Chun-Li Movie Look Weird

I've been waiting for this. Not footage of women beating on each other in the bathroom, mind you -- I can find that pretty easily on my own anytime that I want.

No, I'm referring to preview clips of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Check out these odd video clips featuring poorly mastered audio and plenty of out-of-context fight scenes.

The more I watch them, the more I feel uneasy about Kristen Kreuk as Chun-Li. But I'll reserve full judgment for opening night, when I plan to be sitting front and center for this new Capcom film.

Until then, I'll watch this bizarre clip of Chun-Li throwing down in the ladies room with a female sparring partner. Note the moment when Chunny shatters the stall door -- how the f*ck is that even possible!?!