Monthly Archive for November, 2008

The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With

NOTE: Please see last week's The Top 9 Superheroes I DON'T Want to Hang Out With.

9. Thunderball. You know, from the Wrecking Crew. He's got that awesome wrecking ball on a chain that he swings around. We'd go to a condemned building and swing that damned ball around until the whole place comes crashing down. Around the time that he decides to go rob a bank, I'll just say I'm tired and head home.

8. Deathstroke. I would convince Slade Wilson that we should go to an underground fighting tournament and have some fun. We'll do the Munson and McCracken routine from Kingpin, and pretend we're inexperienced betters. Then I'd sit back and watch Deathstroke take out every single chump one-by-one.

7. Catwoman. Sexy and spontaneous, we'd definitely do something fun. She's more of a trickster baddie than a malicious villain, so I wouldn't have to worry about risking my life too much during one night out with Selina Kyle. It would just get boring to hear her talk over and over about how great Batman is.

6. Dr. Doom. Okay, he's a bit nuts. But he can travel through time, he's a scientific genius, and he certainly doesn't lack entertainment value. The only way a hang out session with Victor Von Doom could go downhill would be if he tried to make me his servant or something like that.

5. Riddler. Our conversations would be utterly confusing but his constant need to tell me interesting puns and mystery stories could actually end up being really enjoyable. I mean, one night of Edward Nigma would be enough. But I think it would be worth it for a single hang out session.

4. Batroc. C'mon, you know that I would hang with Georges for one night and one night only for this simple reason - parkour. I would meet up with Batroc in a city that has a lot of low roofs and I would watch him do crazy stunts all night... preferably, somewhere with a lot of poured concrete architecture.

3. Mystique. I would work real hard to stay on Mystique's good side all night because when I go home with her later, I can have sex with anyone I want! It just takes Raven Darkholme one simple thought and BAM! I can choose from Kerry Washington or Lucy Liu (or why not both!?!). Excellent.

2. Namor. Yeah, the guy is a bit unstable. But the Sub-Mariner has an entire underwater kingdom at his command, and I would want to spend at least one hang out session traveling the ocean depths with him. I would ask to visit all sorts of incredible scenic underwater locations that air breathers have never seen before.

1. Galactus. Okay, first off, I would not want to hang with him on a "hungry" night. Well, I guess he's always hungry... but you catch my drift. Galactus and I would chill shortly after he's eaten. Thus he would be in a jovial mood, and I would ask the oldest being in the universe all sorts of fascinating questions about the cosmos.

Previous: The Top 9 Superheroes I DON’T Want to Hang Out With!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.

Zombie Palin #7 - The Mac is Back!

Previously in Zombie Palin: It's 2009. President Sarah Palin is a zombie. Recently, she's survived an intense rush of White House attacks, zombie detection kits, beauty queens, and inaugurations. Now it's time for a visit from an old friend...

John McCain is back... as an undead zombie head!

Busta Rhymes Makes Arab Money - Makes Neal Puke

Usually, I don't bring my work life to the AS - but this economic crisis is really effin stuff up. Suffice it to say, things just went a little pearshaped for me and I'm not in the mood to write a music video review. (Ed. note: no, I did not get fired) However, while I was driving to work last night to print out some documents, I stumbled upon a little turd of a track by one Mr. Busta Rhymes. Am I the only one who hasn't heard Busta's new joint Arab Money?

I can't even begin to tell you how offended I am by this - both from a musical and cultural perspective - and I'm not even Muslim. I can't seem to find an 'official' video, so this YouTube 'video remix' will have to do. Seriously, autotuned Arabic? (it's not actually Arabic either btw) As if my day wasn't bad enough, I have to deal with this shit.

The dance instruction video is a bit apologetic and tries to explain it all away, but what the fuck? How do you even begin to reconcile this without going all Van Gogh? I'm sorry Busta, but if I am offended - something is wrong. Am I being overly sensitive? Is this not a big deal so much as a poorly conceived song? Either way, you need to get your act together Mr. Rhymes, because this is not acceptable.

AudioShocker Podcast #57 - Eccentric Celebrity Baby Names

Kanye West is drenched in auto-tune on 808s & Heartbreak, Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz join the long list of celebrities who give their children eccentric names (in this case, Bronx Mowgli Wentz), Neal has a 72 hour crush on Hillary Duff and he's pretty sure that Sean Connery is an aphrodisiac, watching the Nick Fury movie is like putting your head in a bag of shit, Watchmen has graphic novel variant covers, and Dynamo 5 #18 is awesome.

 

Zombie Palin #6 - Inauguration Day, Bitches!

Previously in Zombie Palin: It's 2009 and President John McCain has been eaten by zombies. That makes Sarah Palin, now a zombie herself, the next President of the United States of America. And it's Inauguration Day, bitches!

PLEASE NOTE: Zombie Palin (and any future AudioShocker webcomics) are moving to Thursdays, so get your collective asses back here on Thanksgiving 2008 for the very first Thursday edition of Zombie Palin!

Sarah Palin gets inaugurated zombie style!

Culturology 009 - At the Movies with Culturology!

So I went and saw the James Bond moving picture Thursday night, still within the first week of its release, as intended. I'll of course be dedicating some space/time here to my take on the movie, but I'd like, first to reflect a bit on several of the previews that ran before the film itself.

First, the trailer for Fast and Furious. There are many many things about this that are completely brilliant. First of all, the title. I think all of us out there remember how dramatically The Fast and the Furious captured America's imagination back in 2001. The mid-summer release captures a happy-go-lucky, pre-"Okay, we admit it, Global Warming exists."-auto-enthralled American culture that we will never have back, a sort of last bash for upper-middle-class materialism that was shaken to its core by 9/11 and An Inconvenient Truth. And yet, even as America embarked upon its immensely expensive, illegitimate war based on the economic principals of "Blood for Oil," the franchise came back, with 2003's epic, and more efficiently titled 2 Fast 2 Furious. This movie, close to my heart now, took place in Miami (parts of it were shot in front of a friend of mine's family's restaurant)--and also, the movie played here for some incredibly longer amount of time than the rest of the country (Miami's upper-middle-class materialism has never, ever, been shaken to its core). And how can we forget 2006's conclusion to the Fast/Furious Trilogy: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift?

Okay, well, I admit it, I never saw Tokyo Drift, but every time I'm in a car with other people driving around a parking garage which has its floor painted, and the tires squeal, we inevitably make reference to the infamous drifting technique, which, apparently, was made popular in, well, Tokyo. The biggest problem that I see with this movie is that the title has lost all the horrible efficiency of the SMS abbreviations in the title of the second movie in the franchise.  Now, I've never actually been in a car that was "drifting," but I did grow up in the Northeast, so have been in several cars that were doing what we liked to call "donuts." (One of my proudest moments of my High School education was driving around in a couple of cars with three or four friends late one night after it had snowed quite a bit, doing "donuts" and purposely driving into snowbanks and things, driving over the snow-covered lawn, etc. and coming to school the next day, in day light to see the absolutely incredible and unmissable number of tire tracks that we had left all over the school's property--this is an experience which should sound familiar to many of all you out there as well, I imagine. In fact, I prepped a screenplay for the series, called The Fast and the Furious: Pittsburgh Doughnut, but as of yet have not heard back about it. I assume they passed on it because the title was too long.

Which brings us back to the trailer linked to above. Movie #4: Fast & Furious. No articles, and an ampersand! And Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are back! One can only assume that both were on the losing end of the recent credit crunch. Walker's profile has been even lower than Diesel's, but to me, it's like neither of them ever even left the franchise. And now it appears as though they're working together. Oh Snap! But, much like Homer Simpson in his letter to Mr. Burns after Bart donated blood to Burns and got nothing but a card in return, if you couldn't tell, I am being sarastic. The Fast and the Furious stank. If I recall correctly, I only even saw that movie because a friend of mine's girlfriend wanted (like, actually, wanted) to go see it (she did take the time to explain to me afterwards that I would have liked the movie more if I knew what it was like to drive a nice car (which I didn't, and don't)). If there was ever a movie which I think will defy any kind of ironic enjoyment, it will be Fast & Furious. One might project Fast & Furious as the first movie in a second trilogy of movies, and therefore expect there to be five more movies in the F&F franchise altogether. I don't see any other way of seeing it (the third trilogy can be based on the real life of Al Gore III). But hopefully we will see the owners of the Fast/Furious ouvre take a step back from their work, and much like Heidegger and his Being & Time, abandon all of the projected further volumes of the series.

Next, Bedtime Stories. Adam Sandler is finally in a Disney movie. He really punk'd us all by making that one movie, Punch Drunk Love,  that was kind of, like, unique (as a dude with three brothers, I was fascinated by the fact that the seeming main point of Punch Drunk Love is that, if you have seven sisters, you will be fucked up). Still, though, I'm somewhat fascinated in watching Sandler age. I stand by Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore as being movies that were fun to watch, and actually pretty funny, but since then, the above-mentioned exception aside, all his movies have been somewhere on the scale from dismal to offensive to most sensibilities. In Bedtime Stories, though, Sandler looks older than the last time I remember seeing him in a trailer for a movie. Good. At some point, I wonder if Sandler will Carlin out, and look more or less the same for the next 35 years of his life, though I don't know that Sandler, post-SNL is doing enough drugs for that. Get snorting, Adam!

And, finally, Star Trek. It seems to me that I am both a) not quite nerdy enough (despite having seen, I would guess, I solid 90% of all the TNG episodes ever) and b) not a big enough fan or anti-fan of J.J. Abrams (I've never seen Lost and I was pretty ambivalent towards Cloverfield) to really comment on this. Plus, the blogosphere being what it is, I reckon there's enough people out there worrying about it that my opinion is inessential. However, I will say that casting Harold as Sulu is a brave, brave choice.

And wow! wouldn't you know it? I think, though I don't keep any kind of word count going on my Culturology posts, that if I start trying to discuss QoS at this juncture in this post it'll take way too many more words. That's almost for the best, though, since I am dedicated, in general, as often mentioned, to being just slightly out of date with things here.

Things That it is Okay to Like

6) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The basic trend, so far as I can tell, with the things that I deem to be okay to like, is that, generally speaking, I want to be finding "guilty pleasures" within my own cultural-consumptive patterns, but I tend to pick things that I am proud to like and need to be, I feel, either defended or have the generally counter-cultural angle of enjoyment about them pointed out (assuming that my tastes are still, at least somewhat, counter-cultural (Oh darn this counter culture, it's got me all bugaboo)). That being said, the case here is that I actually quite like IASiP, though I only watch it over on hulu (I don't have cable), and I think plenty of other people do to. I'm only confirming it as something which is okay to like, because I can't remember the last time I liked a show while it was actually airing on TV (okay, it's South Park). I famously never watched Arrested Development before it showed up on DVD, though I quite like it now. Why didn't I watch it then? Because it was on Fox, and how could anything be good if it's on Fox? The main negative, as I see it, to IASiP is that it's easy to watch, and a lot of the comedy is easy, and it's about privileged, crass, youngish white people. But, oh well, there's, like, jokes in it.

Things That it is not Okay to Like

6) Weezer's Pinkerton. I was recently driving somewhere in a car with several other mid-to-late-20-year-olds, and we decided to listen to Weezer's first album, you know, the one that's blue. We all agreed that with the exception of a couple of songs; namely, "Buddy Holly," and "The Sweater Song" (though the song about sweaters is redeemed purely by the nostalgia factor of recalling all of the dialogue spoken therein), that it's still a solid album and a touchstone for our pop-cultural coming of age. Personally, the blue album was one of the first pop-rock CDs that I had the wherewithal to purchase when it came out (back in '94, when I was in 6th grade (I had, up to that point mostly just listened to my Dad's classic rock and They Might Be Giants)). Our conversation then shifted to how dismal a band Weezer was when they reemerged with their terrible third album, you know, that one that's green. However, I found myself at odds with the rest of the car when it came to Pinkerton. I say, and maybe it's just that I was preternaturally anti-emo back when it came out, that I never really liked this album, and at best, it's a shitty CD with a couple of good songs on it. Everyone else disagreed, that it's a great album, with a couple of shitty songs on it. In my life, though, since I never liked the music, I've probably only listened to Pinkerton, maybe... optimisticaly, six times. The "Things" portion of Culturology tends to be the section that inspires the most debate, so I'm mostly using this opportunity to see what everyone else here at Audioshocker thinks, with my figures crossed that at least a couple other people out there know what I'm talking about, and agree that Pinkerton is mostly crap, and always was.

Kanye West 808s & Heartbreak Album Review - I'll See You in My Nightmares, Kanye!

Unfortunately, this hits the streets on 11.24.08Don't get it twisted - 808s & Heartbreak is NOT a hip hop album. It's a VnB album (that stands for "vocoder and blues" for those of you keeping score at home).

Seriously, the first two tracks - Say You Will and Welcome to Heartbreak - are not even close to anything known as hip hop. Instead, Kayne sings RnB vocals drenched in vocoder and auto-tune.

The third track, Heartless, features some sort-of-rapping. But that sort-of-rapping sort of sucks, so it's pretty irrelevant. Getting back to hardcore VnB on the fourth track, Amazing, Kanye sings some more while Young Jeezy stops by to stink up the place.

Next up is Love Lockdown, the first single off the disc. It's a combo of Jesus Walks drums, poorly utilized Daft Punk vocal effects, and a song structure straight out of Tainted Love. Basically, it sounds like shit.

The following track, Paranoid, is a step in the right direction. The melody is strong and the song has a powerful forward movement. Kanye actually spits some rhymes here, but they're nothing insightful or infectious. This song is by far the best thing on 808s and Heartbreak.

Props to Kanye for naming the seventh track RoboCop. Too bad the song blows. Next up is Street Lights, which sucks so let's just breeze past that one. Actually, come to think of it, Bad News sounds like poop too so let's keep it moving.

This takes us to track 10, See You in My Nightmares. Now that's a nice way to sum up this album: I'll probably have nightmares about it. Hell, even Lil Wanye can't save this song.

Coldest Winter isn't as awful as its predecessors, but I still didn't enjoy it. At this point, I'm pretty sure that Kanye's next project will be a duet album with Annie Lennox.

The "bonus track" is a horrid live freestyle called Pinocchio Story. It's full of people screaming in the background. At first, you might think they're screaming out of joy. But by the end of track, it's 100% obvious that they're screaming in pain. They've just been subjected to entire concert of this crap. I would be screaming too.

Zombies and Zucchini - Or The World's Worst Joke

I hate dumb jokes.

Me: what's for dinner?

Matt: tonight? Mushroom and Spinach Galette

Me: chicken?

Matt: no chicken, it's vegetarian

Me: hunh, weird. maybe I'll do up some brown rice and chickpeas - and zucchini

Matt: what does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAAAAAAAAINS
sorry

Me: world's. worst. joke. ever.

Do you like zombies? Check out the AudioShocker's exclusive webcomic Zombie Palin!

Wet Moon 4: Drowned in Evil - TXT Message Review

I read Ross Campbell's Wet Moon 4: Drowned in Evil graphic novel last week in preparation for our podcast interview airing on December 2, 2008. Here's the text message I sent to Ross when I was done:

Finished wet moon 4. Loved unknown, the cleo & mara thing, and especially the ending.

There's an Unknown hero running around Wet Moon...

For good measure, here's an interview with Ross on Comic Book Resources about Water Baby and Wet Moon 4. And for extra awesome measure, here are the AudioShocker's most recent podcast interviews with Ross, one about Water Baby and the other about Wet Moon 4.

The Top 9 Superheroes I DON'T Want to Hang Out With

9. Man-Thing. Aside from the obvious ridicule I'd endure from my friends for chilling with someone named Man-Thing, I don't feel like "burning at the touch" of a weird swamp monster who can't hold a conversation.

8. Luke Cage. Power Man used to be awesome but now he's all into conspiracy theories and hiding out from "the man." Hanging out with Cage nowadays means putting on disguises to buy hot dogs and running underground to eat them in a deserted subway tunnel.

7. Green Arrow. Aside from being obnoxious and preachy, Ollie Queen would be extreme rude to any attractive women in his vicinity. Then he'd insist on playing darts for money until I'm broke. Not my idea of fun.

6. Doctor Strange. Seemingly fresh at first, cute sayings like "by the hoary hordes of Haggoth!" would get really old really fast. I would end up telling Stephen Strange that his "hoary whore mouth of Haggoth better shut the fuck up!" before I put my foot in it.

5. Hawkgirl. Along with being uneasy about her wings and the giant mace, I wouldn't be able to take her seriously in that bird mask. Then, if I asked her to take it off, Kendra would probably give me a line about how it's her proud warrior garb and my request insults her.

4. Hank Pym. Something is bound to go wrong. If he's not losing his mind and pretending to be a different bug, then he's slapping his wife around or getting abducted by aliens. It's not his fault he's a writers' punching bag, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with him.

3. Emma Frost. Seriously, what a bitch. The White Queen has the worst attitude in the entire Marvel Universe. She would whine about everything. The pizza's not hot enough, the restaurant is too dirty, her ludicrous costume is riding up her crack, etc.

2. Havok. Alex Summers will ditch me halfway through our night to tell some woman he just met that he's deeply in love with her and can't live without her. He'll stick me with the bill and run off to the southwest United States, where I won't hear from him again for years. At least, that's what he always does to the X-Men.

1. Cyclops. What's worse than getting ditched by Alex Summers? Chilling with his brother Scott as he rants about "how hard it is to live life when I can't relax for one moment because the smallest slip could result in my ruby quartz glasses falling off, causing my eyes to release powerful blasts of cosmic energy that could harm the people I love!"

Next: The Top 9 Supervillains I DO Want to Hang Out With!

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.