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In honor of Halloween, I've decided to name the nine most excellent characters from the six Star Wars movies. And holy shit was it hard to find out the names of some of these characters. Forever referred to as "fish head guy" and "fat blue elephant," it was a royal pain in my ass to look them up. To preserve authenticity, I've left the list in way I wrote it before I knew everyone's official title.

9. That gross bug guy who owns Anakin (Watto) - He's a really gross, asshole slave owner that spends his days forging the life experience that will one day cause Anakin Skywalker to kill millions across the universe.

8. Jet Porkins - I don't know what the hell he looks like. I couldn't pick him out of a lineup of Star Wars fighter dudes to save my life. But his name is hilarious and for that alone he makes this list.

7. Darth Maul - Really, it's mostly the double-edged lightsaber. I like that dude who has a head that looks like a lumpy penis too, but Maul is way sweeter with his wacked-out facepaint and spikes.

6. Fish head guy who bosses people around in Episode VI (Admiral Ackbar) - Does he do anything in that movie? I don't know. But he's got that crazy-ass head and I like it.

5. Lando Calrissian - A hustler that lives in a floating cloud fortress and dresses lives a Wild West meets Victorian pimp. How could you NOT like that?

4. Yoda - Imagine a senile gnome doing backflips in outerspace. That's Yoda, the moldy martial arts midget master.

3. Princess Leia (but only when she's in a bikini and chained to Jabba the Hutt) - Otherwise, she annoys me. But Carrie Fisher looked hot as fuck when she was chained up in that weird bikini. I know you know what I'm talking about.

2. Chewbacca - He's Bigfoot in space. It's a deceptively simple concept that works incredibly well.

1. The fat blue elephant guy who plays the piano in Return of the Jedi (Max Rebo) - By far the most awesome character in Star Wars. He got knocked down a notch when George Lucas insisted on redoing the music in Return of the Jedi. But the Captain EO meets circus synth jam he's playing in the original version of Jedi is teh SHIT. Plus, his keyboard is sweet as all hell. Where do I get one of those? This guy would probably make for the best Halloween costume ever.

Next: The Top 9 Whatever I Want, Bitch! You Got a Problem With That?

Why the Top 9? Because 10 is too many and 9 is better. 3 X 3 = Awesome. Now that’s what I call math.