AudioShocker

I was on the phone with the human resources department at DC Comics when I missed a call from Tom DeFalco.

It was early 2005. I had been emailing humormag@yahoo.com for a couple weeks after finding a vague posting on Monster.com calling for humor submissions. I suggest you check out those emails (a.k.a. my wildly inappropriate attempts at employment), and then come back and finish this story.

In some sort of twisted way that I’ll never understand, the emails worked. The voicemail Tom left started something like this: “Nick, this is Tom DeFalco. How the hell am I supposed to hire you if you don’t pick up your phone?”

Incase you don’t know or need a quick refresher, Tom DeFalco is a seasoned comic book creator who served as Marvel Comics’ Editor-in-Chief during the wildly successful years of 1987-1994. Tom currently writes Amazing Spider-Girl and other MC2 comics.

When I started sending my bizarre emails, I had no idea I had no idea that I’d be getting a personal call from a living comics legend. All I had to go on was an incredibly cryptic job posting for a new magazine.

In actuality, Tom was heading up a revival of Cracked Magazine, the ugly stepsister of MAD Magazine. Ironically, MAD Magazine was the reason I was on the phone with DC Comics (a.k.a. Warner Bros) HR in the first place. I was scheduling an interview for the job of MAD’s front desk receptionist (more on that in a future column).

Eventually, Tom and I connected. He explained that Cracked Magazine was gearing up to turn into Cracked.com. They intended to keep the same irreverent style of humor but the delivery was going to be more like the cheeky pages from the front of Maxim.

For help, I called up my writing partner, Pete (of the AudioShocker column, Culturology). Our new standout idea was a fake ad for a “Puking Wand.” The piece was a satire of the mass media tendency to promote physically dangerous habits as beauty trends.

After pitching throughout the spring of 2005, our Puking Wand idea was tentatively accepted. Our other concepts were not so lucky. Since I’m here writing this column and not a new piece for Cracked.com, I think you can guess what happened.

Here’s what I learned the hard way: 1) If you come into contact with a guy like Tom DeFalco, keep the connection alive and don’t lose his contact info; 2) Don’t stop pitching until an editor gives in and publishes your work; and 3) never tell your prospective editor that you’ll be a “cheap date” when it comes to freelancing (even Tom told me that was a bad idea when I said it to him). As you can see, I made a lot of mistakes while pitching my work to Cracked.

And that’s just another reason why I’m going to have to sneak into the comic book industry if I ever want to make it in.