Here’s a little quiz for you. I’ll describe a plot and you’ll tell me whether it comes from eighties children’s book series The Babysitter’s Club or a shiny, sexy primetime soap on the CW. Should be easy, right?
a) S.’s friend L. comes to visit from New York. L. is supersophisticated and ridicules S.’s clothes and tells her she should go on a diet. S. arranges for L. to accompany her to school; understandably, L. is less than enthused. A local boy asks L. to the dance that weekend, and although she accepts, she’s more interested in her older boyfriend back home. S. and L. finally get into a fight, and L. returns to the city. S. sadly contemplates the death of their friendship and mails L. her Best Friends necklace back.
b) H. frames his son N. for cocaine possession in an effort to hide his own drug addiction. When his mother insists on turning a blind eye, N. resorts to turning H. in to the police, only to see him charged several counts of embezzlement instead. After getting bailed out and sobering up, H. reveals his plan to flee the country with a forged passport. N. responds with a right hook to his own father’s blow-weakened nasal cartilage.
c) A. is the new girl in school and makes tentative friends with S. Much to her dismay, however, S. spreads a rumor: back in Kansas, A.’s boyfriend was a cow! This is the funniest thing these schoolkids have ever heard and they spend the day mooing at her. A. is furious with S. and vows never to speak to her again. S. regrets her cruelty and makes it up to A. by getting her a part in the musical. They have a touching heart-to-heart and become friends again.
Answers: a) BSC: Stacey’s Ex-Best Friend, b) CW: Gossip Girl, c) CW: 90210.
Have some trouble with the last one? Yeah, me too.
I’ve argued before that there’s just no place for 90210 in television right now. Beverly Hills, 90210 made big waves in the early nineties for its aspirational depiction of wealthy kids and their problems, basically inventing the primetime teen soap. Since then, the formula has been borrowed and expanded upon. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson’s Creek, Felicity, and just about everything else that ever aired on the WB have their roots in 90210.
The most important resurgence for the primetime teen soap came in 2003 with the advent of The O.C. Returning the genre to its California roots, the O.C. was both a witty, tongue-in-cheek homage to its predecessor and good show in its own right (for the first two seasons, anyway). In addition to the pretty faces, conspicuous consumption, and laissez-faire parenting, it had the hook of Ryan Atwood’s fish out of water story as the most photogenic young car thief ever to be adopted into Newport high society.
The O.C. eventually foundered, but luckily for viewers, Gossip Girl stepped in. California decadence by way of Laguna Beach and The Hills is so over, but like everything East Coast, Gossip Girl is classier, subtler, and smarter. The clothes are imaginative and imitation-inspiring, the bitchery is dialed up to eleven, and with the whole gossip blog conceit, the genre finally comes into the 21st century.
This is the world into which the new 90210 is born. So why is the show so lame?
Part of 90210’s early buzz was the involvement of Veronica Mars’ Rob Thomas, but he dropped out after the first episode. It’s easy to see why. The best writing in the two-hour season premiere was the unintentionally hilarious line spoken by Annie: “My grandmother was in an accident. A car accident!” The words “puss,” “dope,” and “dis” also appear. The clothes are borrowed from The Hills’ wardrobe, and the acting is flat. Even AnnaLynne McCord, who was deliciously insane on Nip/Tuck, delivers a limp performance as the supposed bad girl.
90210 commits a worse sin than lack of quality: it’s boring. Like, Babysitter’s Club boring. The opening episodes of The O.C. gave us grand theft auto, fistfights, white collar crime, parental abandonment, a house burned to the ground, and Peter Gallagher’s amazing eyebrows. The Gossip Girl pilot included attempted suicide, passive-aggressive power struggles between queen bees, a father pimping out his son for a business deal, and not one, but two instances of attempted sexual assault.
Compare, then, to last week’s 90210. Annie forgets to run an errand for her grandmother and feels terrible when she gets in the aforementioned accident. Naomi cheats on a paper and is immediately found out. Dixon is shoved during lacrosse practice and almost doesn’t make the team. Upon discovering that he has a son who was given up for adoption, Harry maturely discusses it with his wife. Navid and Dixon visit a porn shoot but don’t watch. The most risqué plotline involves Adrianna’s purchase of some anonymous drugs and ensuing pickpocketing to pay for them, but it loses major points when the goods are delivered in a hollowed-out book, Shawshank Redemption-style. And then there’s that whole cow thing.
Even the much hyped reappearance of Brenda and Kelly does nothing to pique the interest. The former frenemies have a civilized dinner, in which they agree to put the past behind them, which is something no viewers want. Kelly turns down a date with a teacher, but changes her mind when Brenda offers to babysit. Yawn.
If 90210 were more interesting and less infantile, I wouldn’t have spent the entire episode trying to figure out how a public high school is managing to put on Spring Awakening, a show that involves simulated onstage sex and has its rights tied up during its Broadway run. This current incarnation would be at home in 1990, and indeed seems to be imitating the original’s early afterschool special format. Nostalgia can only take you so far though, and the CW will have to step up their game. With the effort the network’s put into it, it’ll take a lot to get it cancelled. It will probably hang on for a full season, but personally, I’d rather them just fold now and cut the lovely Jessica Walter loose. Lucille Bluth is more exciting any day than 90210’s entire skinny cast.
kirsten’s first post - NICE!!!